Monday, February 28, 2011

Goodbye. Hello!

Goodbye, February. What a blur you were! I can't believe it will be March tomorrow. You had so many ups and downs that I'm not really sure what to make of you as a whole. You gave me the most heartbreaking experience of my life, but also some beautiful weather and a super sweet Valentine from the boy. I guess it is time that we go our separate ways now. It's kinda bittersweet, but really for the best.

Hello, March! I hope you continue with the great weather and the sweetheart of a husband. I'm holding a lot, a LOT of expectations of you to be loads better than February. You hold the start of Spring and St. Patrick's day. I'm hoping you hold another BFP for me too. That may be a lot to ask from an intangible concept of time, but I hope you pull through for me.

Goodbye, ICLW. I let you down this month, I know. I wish I could blame it on this being my first, but it's really because I got lazy, felt unmotivated and laggy. You weren't the only one that suffered. I'm really sorry. If I participate next month, I will do my absolute best to keep on top of the commenting and all. I'm not making any promises, because I hate making ones that I end up unable to keep. But I will try!

Hello, all you new people that have come to my humble little blog through ICLW, etc. I am wishing all of you the best of luck in this green and fortuitous month that is March!

Saturday, February 26, 2011

The Outing

First, Thanks for all the comments Ladies! As for the sleepless bit, I love white noise but it sorta irritates the Boy. Maybe we can find something that would work for the both of us? Hopefully, it goes away really soon.

Second, the parent visit went well. They didn't bring the uncomfortable topic up, so neither did I. There was no tiptoeing around it; it just didn't come up in the course of our conversations. There was the vague "How have ya'll been?" and "Are things going alright with work and all?" as well as greeting hugs, etc. We played with the dogs and just chatted for a bit. Then, out and about to a few places, trying to find us a new coffee table to replace our 7 or 8yr old table. Upon departure, my mom told us to take care and let them know if we need anything between now and their next visit (which is tentatively set for April sometime). "Feel free to stop by our way any time. You should look up here for that coffee table." All in all, a good visit, and very chill.

Some of the comments on my last post as well as several other people's blog posts have got me thinking. Maybe I should come out to just the family about our problems with infertility. Holding onto the "secret" is getting old. I'm tired of hiding it and covering for it. And I'd love to connect to someone IRL about IF

At the same time, I'm absolutely petrified about sharing it and the immense vulnerability that goes along with it. What will people say or do? Will I get the usual garbage advice about relaxing and what worked for cousin Mark's wife's sister's friend? Will I be handled with kid gloves like I'm some sort of fragile piece of glass emotions? All that and I really don't want people to continually be checking on how things are "progressing" especially if they aren't. I don't want nor need any additional reminders than I currently already have about our non-conceived status.

What is the best way to put this news out there? I'm most definitely not the type to post to Facebook "Hey everyone! I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm infertile. After 10 cycles and 5mo of treatment, I'm still not pregnant. I did get pregnant in Jan and then had an early miscarriage. 'Kay thanks, bye." But I'm not sure I want to do it over the phone. I want to be able to put the facts on the table and not have any immediate comments or questions. I want my cake and I want to eat it too.

Why couldn't things be easier and I "accidentally" got knocked up our 1st month off prevention?

Friday, February 25, 2011

The Parent Trap

Well, it's really just a visit, but I feel kinda stuck in a trap. We initially invited my parents down a few days after I got that positive test last month. We were over do a visit with them (the last was Christmas) and we figured I'd have an early u/s done by then and could share the pics to announce our news.

We all know how things turned out there. And with the subsequent parental phone calls. I'd feel kinda "douche baggy" as the Boy would say, to cancel the visit just because it's now just another visit. I even dropped my mom a line on FB to see if they still planned on coming this weekend. (It is far quicker and easier than calling her, trust me). They'd be bringing their 2 dogs to come play with our monsters out in the backyard, etc. She said they were still intending to come "unless of course, I didn't feel up to it". They'd understand.

Now, all I'm envisioning is my mom asking me questions about the m/c and stuff and my dad trying to awkwardly avoid it and talk about the weather, etc with Boy. I'm also super nervous that the whole things is going to be completely avoided like the plague even though it is that big pink elephant in the corner of the room with a top hat and tutu. I don't really know what I'm expecting to happen or not happen tomorrow. I really don't want to talk about the loss, but I don't want to tiptoe around it and pretend it didn't happen and everything is just honky-dory.

And what if they ask when we will start trying again?! Do I tell them that we ignored the Dr that has seen all my lady bits and insides via phalli-cam, and had lots of sex last week and "here's hoping!" Or just say "yes" or "sorta"? What if they want to know the details of the last 8 months of our trying and the "issues" we mentioned we had been having? How much detail do my parents really want to know and do I want to give them? We don't really talk about that stuff in my family, except if we are making a joke about it. 

I guess I'll just have to wait and see how it goes. I've gotten super great at that since we 1st started trying and like to fancy myself an expert at it by this point. Christina, waiting and seeing expert!

Thursday, February 24, 2011

I need to recharge the batteries

It's a bit of an oxymoron to be so tired and worn down but not able to sleep, right? The last week and a half, I feel fatigued all day which doesn't help with my already lacking motivation and dragging productivity. I get home and feel like a zombie checking email and websites and blogs. Too tired to do my usual nighttime routine and just do the quick version. Once I hop into bed and get comfortable though, wide awake.

My mind isn't racing. I'm relaxed. I'm freaking tired as all get out (does anyone else say that? The Boy makes fun of me for it). Why can't I fall asleep? I eventually drift off after quite a while, but end up waking back up for no reason. Not too hot, not too cold, not uncomfortable and no noises disturbing me. I just wake up. Having a drink before bed doesn't help. Reading doesn't help. Eating. Not eating. I can't seem to beat it. The only time I sleep really really well is the last few hours before I have to go to work. 4-8am is when I've been getting my best sleep.

I really wish I could blame the lack of energy on something awesome like being pregnant or something. Alas, it's just good ol' insomnia. It creeps around and stays for a few weeks every now and then throughout the year. I could probably get a script for some sleep aids from my Dr, but I really don't like taking meds unless absolutely necessary. Or at least absolutely necessary to make the baby that I really want (which is hopefully making its way down my tubes and prepping itself for burrowing into my uterus here in the next week or so!).

Regardless of why the lack of sleep, I have not been doing my appropriate amount of commenting each day. I feel really guilty about it. I just can't bring myself though to leave a comment on someone's blog just to leave a comment. I have to have something to add or at least contribute in some way. Lately, I'm just glad I can string together a few sentences periodically throughout the day that sound coherent and make at least some sense to the person with which I'm speaking.

Please forgive me my ICLW trespasses. I'll try to make up for it next month. I should be post-insomnia zombified by then. In the meantime, I'd really like to know what all your nighttime/sleep rituals are!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

ICLW and falling behind

Sorry to be an absentee on the 1st day of ICLW, but work has been kicking my butt this week. If this is your 1st time dropping by- Thanks so much for stopping in and checking me out! I could do a new post that sums up our TTC journey or I can just link you back to these 1st 2 posts I did that gives you the whole run down up to last month: The last 10 months, part 1 & part 2. One of these days, I'll figure out how the heck to make a sub-page on this here blog that will have all this info nicely outlined. Until then, you have to read through my posts!

On to the 2nd part of this post title! I'm falling behind! Not really, just not as far ahead at work and home as I'd like to be. I'm sure it doesn't help when things are added onto my plate and I have to deal with them immediately, putting of the things I had initially planned on doing. Hello, Type A! Major problem there. I don't like my plans being disrupted! Things should get better by the week after next as a co-worker returns from maternity leave  so I won't have to be covering for her share of the work any more.

As for home, if anyone has a spare couple of hours they'd like to come and help me clean, paint, and do one of the other kajillion things on my to-do list for the house, come on over! I've been pretty good about letting these things slide the last several months, but I think with my parents impending visit this weekend, I'm feeling more pressure to whip the house into presentable shape. If only I could direct the small amount of motivation I have towards that and work, rather than baby stuff...

I wrote a comment on Mel's post. Yeah. Don't tell my boss, but since we can access gmail at work for calendar purposes, I've been using that and the google reader to keep up-to-date on peoples posts and such. We aren't allowed to check many "outside" sites or do things non-work related. I can't help it though. I'm desperate to know if so and so got their test results or if there was 2 lines on whose-it's preg test, and how protocol A is treating XYZ and who is having what symptoms in their 2ww.

I will admit something else while I'm being so open. I've been filling my time with all these other peoples' lives to distract me from the omnipresent and overbearing shadow of TTC that I'm sure the rest of ya'll know fairly well. Getting wrapped up in those goings-ons keeps me from having to focus on my own. I do genuinely care about all your stories/lives, and I feel a bit selfish to be using them as distractions, but I can't seem to help it. I hope that ya'll can forgive that!

ps- Still waiting for confirmation of O, but I'm pretty sure I'm in my own 2ww now and will be needing ya'lls bright and shiny posts to keep my attention from myself.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

All Systems Go.

I'm about to "launch" into my 1st ever IComLeavWe! I'm super stoked about it! I am also amazed at the number of blogs participating. 160! Absolutely unreal! The overachiever in my really entertained the notion of doing the Iron Commenter challenge, but I honest don't think I could leave 160 comments in 1 week, at least not substantial ones. I do think I will try to at least read a post from all of the participating blogs, though. This sorta feels like one of those scavenger hunt I use to do when I was in Girls Scouts years and years ago. The anticipation of the start; planning out the strategy. Thrilling! I can't wait to start it tomorrow!

Another exciting thing is that I finally! got my + opt this afternoon! I fully expect to actually ovulate tomorrow somewhere between mid-morning and early afternoon. Any cycle that I've used opt's, ovulation followed my positive by 12-18hrs. I've never gone 24hr or more between my LH surge and my lovely and oh-so-strong ovary pain that signal my egg making a break for it.

I may still be in the motivational mire, but at least I have some things to be excited about and to help pass the time until I make my way out the the muck. It is both comforting and unfortunate that so many of us/ya'll also feel stuck, but at least there is great company here!

Saturday, February 19, 2011


Thanks, Google Images
I feel stuck. In a funk. Unmotivated, unchanging, stuck.

I'm not sure if I should blame it on the cold weather that has lingered for far too many months (this is the South, come on!), the lack of sunlight and fun stuff to do outside, or the fact that I'm on cd-freakin-20 and not really sure if there is any sign of ovulation in my near future (I've had 10 days of absolutely, not even close to positive OPTs). Maybe it's all of the above.

I've been back to work for 2 full weeks now, and still not fully motivated to get there as early as I use to or stay as late, or cram as much productivity in the work day as my great multitasking skills will let me. I love my job. I think it is generally interesting and exciting and enjoy being there as much as someone can want to be at work. But lately, I can't get myself to get up with my alarm, stop checking my email/blogs/Facebook, or eat breakfast and pack my lunch in a timely fashion to be at work by the usual 9am. On top of that, by the time 4 o'clock rolls around, all I can think about is going home. That I blame on the Boy as he calls me when he's leaving work at 4.

I'm not depressed, per se. I know that state of mind far more intimately than I'd like. I've actually been the happiest I've been in ages since we started TTC (or WTC). I'm just feeling stagnant. I'm just treading water at work and waiting in ovulation limbo. There's no forward progress, no building momentum, no push to do things at the moment. It's all very bland and boring. I'm in desperate need of a visit from the Motivation Fairy. I think she's related the Tooth Fairy. I just need to figure out what to leave under my pillow for her...

I really want to start my 1st Quarter/Spring house cleaning and organizing. I want to get out in the yard and plant stuff, rips stuff up and make it green again. I'd love to start taking the pups on long, evening or morning walks around our neighborhood regularly. I'd like to be able to look back on each day and feel accomplished in what I've done. Unfortunately, that all takes energy and drive to actually get off my lazy butt and get started. I wish each I could currently enter each day with the outlook of "Anything is possible; it's a brand new day". If only each day didn't seem exactly like the one before it and the one before that. I've been mindlessly going through the motions. Lather. Rinse. Repeat Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday; add conditioner Saturday and Sunday.

Any suggestions or words of wisdom of how to get unstuck?

Update: Apparently, my body got tired of the smack I've been talking and finally decided it's going to do something. I struck "gold" this afternoon! Looks like ovulation my be in my plans for this next week.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

My mailbox is driving me to drink

WTF, mailbox?! For the last 3 months, I've been receiving baby-related mailings. Babies R Us coupons and adverts. American Baby magazine. Birth announcements. You get the idea. Yesterday, sitting on the dining table (because my hubby is sweet like that to get the mail) is a bible of all things baby. Target's Baby catalog. If I wasn't so exhausted yesterday, I would have gone and poured myself a nice BIG glass of wine. That meant getting up off the couch though so I pretended my glass of water had miraculously turned to wine.

Directly after my disbelief, however, I found myself curled up with the tome of babiness. I couldn't stop looking through it! Page after page of adorable nursery furniture and bedding, chubby little munchkins, pregnant women and new moms. I even picked up a marker and started checking the things I liked. You know, for research purposes. *Sigh*

I am now not-so-secretly hoping that this Target baby bible has convinced my ovaries that now is the perfect time to release that egg. I mean it is CD17 already. Do I really have to wait until CD19 or 20? They really should rename TTC to WTC because we definitely do more waiting than trying!

Monday, February 14, 2011

Picture Participation

There's a thing going round. Participate if you feel so inclined. I am. What is it you ask?

Post photos of you and your Significant Other (ideally on your wedding day, but post what you want!) and how ya'll meet.

The Boy and I meet online the 1st semester of my freshman year of undergrad, way back in the fall of 2001. Via Aol Instant Messenger. It was like the Facebook of the early 2000s. He messaged that he thought he knew me, and I'm horrible with names. So we chatted, and chatted. And chatted away. One month later, I had a "friend" drive me down to see him. We met face to face and clicked. I'm not saying it was love at 1st site, but that 1st weekend together definitely sealed the deal. 4 yrs later, we got hitched.
Our 1st dance as Mr & Mrs. Aren't we just adorable?
There were great times, and hard times. Really really rough times, and good times. Through it all, he's been my best friend and the one person I could always count on to be there for me.

Still in love at BIL's wedding several years later.
We've been married for over 5yrs now, together for almost 10yrs. This past year has probably brought us closer together than ever before. With all we've been through and have had to endure, we could find strength in one another. I was completely head-over-heals for him when we first met. I'm so in love with him now that I don't even know how it is possible.

4th anniversary. Disgustingly sweet, isn't?
So Happy Valentine's Day, boy. I love ya and so glad that it is you that I have in good times and bad. There is no one else I'd rather come home to and curl up with at night. To another 10 more years together and more, and hopefully a baby or 2!

Valentine’s Photo List:
1. Christina at 2's Company. 3's a Family
2.  Elphaba at Yolk
3. Mo at Mommyodyssey
4. Heather at Survive and Thrive
5. Bridget at Our Stork Got Lost
6. Aramelle at One Wheeler’s World
7. jjraffe at Too Many Fish to Fry

Sunday, February 13, 2011

I had a dream

I'm not sure if it's all the various vitamins or the fact that I'm jacking my hormones around, but I've had super surreal, vivid, and bizarre dreams frequently the last 3-4mo. Surprisingly, only a few of them have been pregnancy or baby related. Normally, I can't remember anything but small tid-bits of my dreams and only if I focus on those details directly after waking up. The intensity of these recent dreams kinda make me a bit apprehensive about what my dreams will be like when I am pregnant.

One of last night's dream left me with a deep sadness when I awoke this morning. The other has me thinking I'm losing my marbles. The first dream I remember from last night focused on me as a boy in elementary school in the cafeteria. They didn't have the chicken Parmesan with spaghetti noodles, just shells for some reason. I complained and had them put my chicken on a pile of mac & cheese and give me the special butterscotch bread for dessert. Totally bizarro. I sat down with another boy that I had meet earlier in the day. We had a food swap at the table with some other kids and something crazy about a magician or fairy. The last bit is a blur because my loving husband woke me to kiss me goodbye as he was leaving for work. I almost immediately fell back to sleep and started the 2nd dream.

This dream started out with us on our way to the hospital. There, I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy. Our baby boy. We didn't have a name for him, but he was our sweet little boy. We were able to take him home, still unnamed. The remainder of the dream just centered around my feelings for him and nursing and holding him. He was perfect. He would just look and stare at me, never cried, and slept like an angel. There were other people in the dream, but they were merely background characters, shadows in the soft, dim lighting of my subconscious. I woke up and my little baby boy wasn't with me any more. I tried to fall back into that wonderful dream, but only just slept.

I wonder to myself if this was the baby I had lost the other week; if this was a glimpse of what my life could have been like 8mo from now? I felt whole, complete and content. My whole world was that small little human being. I feel a bit empty now, like I'm missing a part of me this morning. And yet, I feel a bit more at peace with things, a bit more hopeful. I am sad to not be able to still hold that little boy, but the feelings and sensations of my dream have left me eager to experience them in my waking life. I can not wait to be so caught up in the calm and emotions of holding my child, sleepily nursing in the quiet dark of night. I can not wait to have my heart bursting with love for something so pure and simple. Be it a boy or a girl.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

I'm practicing my acceptance speech

Thank you all soo much! I've been awarded the "Veratile Blogger" and "I <3 this Blog" awards. Thank you soo much Endo_Life, Alli, and Princess Wahna Bea Mama for the nominations!


Definitely go check those gals out!  Love, Drama, Action, Comedy. They have it all!

I'm going to break the rules a bit here though... I'm suppose to pay it forward and award these to 15 other bloggers. I'd love to award these to every fertility-challenged lady out there blogging. That list over there to the right, all those ladies - Awarded! I can't choose just 15 blogs, and it is far too great an undertaking to contact each and every blog that I have found and started reading and following in this past month.

I will however participate in the "Share 7 things about yourself" and even double it to 14 for both awards. Now, I just have to think of 14 things I haven't already shared...

1 I met the love of my life online. He had me at "Hey, I think I know you." He didn't but what a smooth line, huh?

2 -
I have 2 large dogs and 2 cats. The dogs are my babies, my girls. The older, male cat loves to push my buttons and cause trouble, but he's pretty awesome for a cat. The smaller, female pretty much hates me, but thinks the world of the Boy. I would have more pets, preferably dogs, if we had a bigger house and yard, and if he hadn't made me agree that the next living thing to join our family had to be human.
3 - His biological clock was ticking louder than mine when we first considered TTC. Now, I think mine has become Big Ben. I very desperately want a little chubby baby to call my own!

4 - I was a prissy, fruu-fruu girl until kindergarten. Since then, huge tom-boy and it has to be a special occasion to get me in a dress. I've just recently re-introduced skirts into my wardrobe. I like them longer or at least knee-length and the flowier the better!

5 - I use to super-sort my clothing. My closet was arranged from tanks, short to long-sleeved shirts, jeans, slacks, skirts/dresses. Each category was then done in color order as well. Repeat for folded clothes. I even folded my underwear!
6 - I can only keep complex life forms alive. The easier it is to care for seems to mean the easier it is for me to kill it. Fish, most plants, even cacti, have all meet their end at my hands.

7 - I am a super science nerd. I have kept and still read my college science textbooks. I like nerdy online comics that make math and science jokes like xkcd and PhD. If it is nerdy and dorky, I will most likely love it!

8 - I am the smallest female in my family. I have 3 sisters (and my mom). While we are all, minus my blonde 5'8" younger sister, about the same height at 5'2" - 4", I'm the only one below a C cup. I didn't get curves until after my youngest sister blossomed at 15yr old and I was in college. I'm hoping that WHEN I get pregnant, my boobs will at least get to and stay a B cup.

9 - I love thunderstorms. The wind, the rain, the rolling thunder, even the lightening relaxes me. I love it all. I will crack open a window just to hear a good storm, smell the rain, and feel the wind.

10 - I wish I knew how hard getting pregnant would actually be for me. I would have saved tons (!) on birth control had I known this years ago.

11 - I obsessively check my email. I have 3 accounts, 2 personal and 1 for work, that I check all the time for emails whether I'm expecting any or not. I get anxious if I don't at least check it 2x a day.

12 - Speaking of anxiety, I've had anxiety issues since I was a child. Since elementary school, I've had testing anxiety, speaking/performance anxiety, and worried way too much to be healthy. It makes TTC extra interesting!

13 - I love that my husband is artistic. I really wish I was more creative, so I encourage him to do as much artsy stuff as he wants! My artistic skills are pretty much limited to things with smooth lines and symmetry. The more anal-retentive the craft is, the better I am at it!

14 - Lastly, I have very few close, confidant female friends. It is very hard for me to open up and share things. I tend to feel my emotions, thoughts, and worries burden others down, and that is the last thing I want to do to a friend. It's very much a Catch-22, as I wish I had people that I could share things with, but at the same time don't want to add to their worries, etc. If I could change only 1 thing about myself, this would be it. I feel completely abnormal in that I can not say I have a BFF.

And with that cheerful note, I hope everyone has a great weekend and finds a little romance in honor of the approaching holiday!

Thursday, February 10, 2011


I should not be this excited to talk about sperm. But I am. Super excited! One could even say ecstatic. I'm going to start with a bit of the back story on this first.

Back in October, after my initial consult with the RE, I was sent home with a Semen Analysis Collection kit. He wanted to check hubby out as well right off the bat since it is so simple and way easy. The "kit" was just a bag that had a specimen cup and the associated paperwork. The day of the analysis, the sample is collected and transported to the RE's office on my way to work. I apparently thought it was normal to stick the bagged cup in my lunch bag, next to my PB&J sandwich, so it wouldn't get cold and stay at least room temperature. These were the results we got back that afternoon:

Can you sign sperm up for swimming classes?

Abnormal. Ridiculously low motility, low volume, low count. Ugh. So now we had a male factor on top of my several female factors. Crap. This gave us that very minimal chance on our own and why the RE brought up IVF at my follow-up in December.

Well, since we had made a few changes (added multivitamin and FertilAid's Motility Boost supplement) since then, the RE and I agreed a repeat SA was warranted. That was supposed to be Jan 27th. Well, that was when we found out I was pregnant. We never officially scheduled the appt, but were going to that week. Since I was feeling "off" we decided to wait and see. And you all know what we saw.

So fast-forwarding to today, I had scheduled this appt last week and Boy was on board with providing another sample. We were both curious to see what, if any changes had occurred and if those changes could explain our luck of the draw that Jan. cycle. I was given the Collection kit after the follow-up appt, and it's just been hanging out in the bedroom. Totally not romantic or anything, but where else do you put those things? The paperwork was filled out and the cup had it's collection. Mother Nature decided snow and freezing temps were in order for today and my lunch was a frozen burrito. What is an TTC-crazed infertile woman to do? That's right. That little bagged cup was tucked neatly under my arm inside my jacket. While I was driving, it rested between my thighs. Under the arm was to awkward with steering and that is the only warm place I had to hold it as I'm not endowed. It was back under the arm on the way into the clinic.

There I sat in the waiting room with my Cup O' Sperm, waiting for my "husband" to be called back. Apparently, this go round he was also slated for morphology analysis. His boys were getting the works! I was over-joyed when the following results made their way to my inbox:

Someone's been eating their Wheaties!

I was blown away at the improvement. Those little guys went from a few circle swimmers to almost a decent army! I've been giddy about these results all day! I almost wanted to tell people that my husband passed his sperm test! His dunce tadpoles have become honor roll students! Only 7% shy of being totally, 100% normal!! No more male factor! I don't know if it was the vitamins or the Motility Boost or both. To be honest, I don't care!

I've never been more excited to say that now, the only thing standing between us and our little baby is my wonky hormones. I actually think we might have a chance this cycle! The timing couldn't be more perfect either as I think I saw a hint of EWCM (or vaginal gold as Elphaba likes to call it) earlier today. I also topped off my evening by visiting a friend and her 11wk old daughter. Beyond adorable! Man, do I want one of those!!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

It's all in the timing. Or is it the delivery?

Anyone who is actively TTC knows that everything comes down to timing. When this happens; when that happens. Waiting time. Time and timing everywhere you look! I'm good with all that time. I'm content this cycle to just wait and see, and what will be will be.

No, the timing I'm talking about right now is about postings. Boy says I should do regular scheduled posts. Knowing that on X day there will be a post here is suppose to form some connection and consistency with readers. But I don't know if I will have anything worth-while to write about every M W F, or what have you.

Should I stick to a set schedule and just find topics to write about? Or should I stick to the content that I'm delivering? Are sporadic, but meaningful posts any better than regular, comforting posts? I don't know. I personally prefer to read things that the writer wants to put out there, when they want to put it out. If that happens ever Tuesday or once a week, it's ok with me. However, I do find that I like going to sites and knowing that there will be an update, something new waiting for me. It is kind of a let down to check something several times and seeing the same old thing greeting me again.

What do ya'll think? This is my blog, but it's kind of pointless is ya'll aren't reading it. So weigh in! Dependability or substance?

Monday, February 7, 2011

Sorta Super Sunday

Yesterday was a mostly good day. Slept pretty well. Woke up on my own (thanks pups!). Weather was nice, warmish and sunny. I even did a little, little bit of cleaning around the house. And since I was feeling ok and I'm a loving wife, I told the Boy we could go to his brother's to watch the Super Bowl. It didn't hurt that his brother sent me a message on AIM to see if I was feeling any better. He was glad that I was and genuinely happy that we were coming over that afternoon.

So once he got home, I showered and morphed into a normal looking human being, tossed back a Xanax in prep, and off we headed. I steeled myself for the inevitable nursery tour and baby and belly talk from the SIL. I was fine with the nursery- it was just painted walls as the crib arrived damaged. She didn't talk too much baby. The pizza dinner was alright. I'm not a huge fan of Pizza Hut, but hey, I didn't have to cook it. I had fun and loved, loved, loved playing with their 4m old lab puppy. I even gave them helpful pointers on teaching him how to start learning "shake". I could even say that I enjoyed the evening. There were only a few incidents that made me uncomfortable.

1 - We were discussing our mutual friends' pregnancy announcement. I had already dealt with it and I'm very happy for them. My BIL's comment ticked me off though. "Good to see that someone can still get knocked-up on accident. I had to give my wife shots in the @ss." My thoughts went like this - "1st, she got pregnant the her 1st month off BC and before your 1m wedding anniversary. 2nd, she chose the shots over suppositories because they were gross and awkward. 3rd, She has had endometriosis and while they weren't officially trying, they had not been preventing for almost 1yr and didn't know if she could have kids." Thankfully, Boy must have read my mind and mentioned that they had some issues and weren't sure they could have kids because of them, followed by a meek "Oh." from BIL.

2 - The Boy was being a typical uncle and goofing off with his step-nephew. We have an on-going joke between us about whose cat is the cooler, more awesome cat. Well, nephew told him that if Boy won their arm wrestling contest that he'd admit that our cat was cooler than his. Apparently, that really set off BIL, and he started talking about screwing around like that with our kids. It wasn't that he was upset or was going to do things like that with our kids. I'd expect other relatives to try and take advantage of kids' gullible nature. No, what got me was the thought we might not have kids to trick into things or play around with like that. Sigh...

3 - SIL made a passing comment of how she has to put a pillow on her lap as her new "desk" for her laptop as BIL doesn't like her putting it on her belly. He thinks it will overheat the baby. Maybe, I don't know. She then brought it back to TTC and how it is not recommended guys use laptops on their laps as it can boil the boys so to speak. Then went on about some more TTC info. That I did not want to hear and made me glad we hadn't told them we were TTC as she'd probably mention temping and ovulation tests and everything else we've already done.

But it was a pretty good Bowl game. The commercials were kinda lame, but I was over all entertained. I'm back to work today. Man, is it hard to wake up to an alarm you haven't heard in a whole week!

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Public vs Private

I've thought about this quite a bit since yesterday. What we define as public and private aspects of our lives. It was initially brought up during our session with the therapist. (I'll give the back story for her at the end of the post.) We were discussing our fertility difficulties, my miscarriage and the various coping mechanisms we were using, well mostly that I've been using. I told her that I had started a blog in January and how I feel it has helped get out a lot of my thoughts and feelings. She commended me for writing these posts and mentioned the irony of how such a private person as myself would put these very private and personal feelings and experiences out into public where everyone could see them. It is almost laughable that we've practically told no one we know in person that we were even TTC and yet I'm broadcasting my miscarriage to the whole world online.

And in other ways, it is still very much private. Sure, the whole world can see what I've written. However, the only ones that actually choose to do so are in the very close-knit world of IF. Individuals that have gone and/or  are going through the same or worse difficulties, trying and trying to start or continue their families.

I don't think I have made anything in our TTC journey truly public. I blog here; I participate in a TTC forum, and we have told a very select few friends that we are trying. It took a lot of back and forth for us to even decide to do a full disclosure to the parents yesterday regarding trying, getting pregnant, getting un-pregnant, and continuing trying. I have not made a single reference to any of that on Facebook (other than the secret/private TTC group I'm in) or in emails or any of that.

It's a bit surreal and strange to me to think that I am far more comfortable telling complete strangers these intimate details than some of my closest friends and family. But yesterday fully illustrated why I chose to do so. Ya'll get it. Ya'll understand. I don't feel I have to explain myself or our actions or in-actions to you. You just get it and know and support. There isn't the 20,000 questions, the inane comments and speculation. I'm not telling the whole world about the inner workings of my reproductive organs and hormones, our sex life, and any other issues. I'm telling my fellow non-fertiles, people that have shared the same back with me as well as "the rest of the world".

I agree that I am a very private person and tend to keep most things to myself. I feel that even though I'm putting this all out on the web, it is still being kept private. I'm only telling my closest, most trust-worthy friends. I'm not just telling random people about these things. I'm telling ya'll.

**Therapist info- We started seeing a professional several years ago for couples counseling as we were having some marital troubles and issues. Started out with this male therapist, but he seemed a bit too touch-feely about things and we didn't think we'd make too much progress there. We started seeing our current professional about 2yrs ago, maybe 2.5yrs. She was able to get through a lot of the ugly truths of our problems and serious progress was made. We decided to continue to see her even after the initial issues we went there for were resolved. There is nothing better than just putting everything out there once a month, getting a different perspective on things and using that to continue to grow. She is probably the reason we are still happily married and we probably wouldn't be here or even have contemplated TTC with out her help. She was great in response to our loss and our coping mechanisms for it, and very supportive and  excited about our potential future offspring.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Not so Great Expectations

I'm rather disappointed. Everyone that we've talked with about things recently has been very understanding and supportive. No one offered me advice of what we should and how to do it. Maybe I was expecting too much? I don't even know what I was expecting, but it wasn't what I got.

I called my mom today and he called his. We clued them in that we have been TTC for the past 7mo, have been having several issues and pretty much wrote it off for a while. Then poof, I get pregnant then shortly miscarry. It was a bit awkward, more than a bit actually, but we got the expected "We're so sorry. Are ya'll doing ok?". I even expected them to have a hunch that things were going on in the family making dept with us.

What I did not expect was for both of them to tell us that it will happen when it is meant to happen and not to stress about it or try too hard. After we told them we had been having difficulties, were seeing Drs about it and weren't expecting it to actually happen. At least his mom got it the 2nd time around. Mine still felt the need to tell me about so-and-so who got pregnant after 4yrs and Drs the month that they didn't try and just relaxed. They did, unfortunately, immediately compare it to my sister-IL's miscarriage following her 1st cycle just off birth control, and her low progesterone problems. When the Boy explained that the RE didn't even think we could on our own and IVF was previously our only real option, they asked why we just didn't do that then. Because we don't have $10k just sitting around to pay for the chance of a baby. If we did, our 1 dog would have had her knee surgery by now, the cars would be paid off and we'd have no credit card debt.

I don't know what I was really expecting from them, but I was a bit shocked at what we got. They were all fairly understanding and concerned, but their suggestions and input after that left a lot to be desired. They didn't even seem phased about being the 1st people in real life that we've told about getting pregnant and losing it. It does make me feel better about not telling lots of people that are close to us. If our parents don't quite get it, how likely are friends and other family members? Let's just hope that they can keep to their promises of not discussing it with anyone or continually checking in on our TTC efforts. Fingers Crossed.

Thursday, February 3, 2011

Rejoining the Living

Since I came home from work on Monday, I've not once left the house. Heck, I didn't even leave the bed on Tuesday. Wednesday was spent mostly on the couch. Both days were pjs only. Today was the 1st day I actually put on pair of pants, a real shirt, and even a pair of shoes. I actual left the house. It felt really good. I almost feel like a normal person again. The grand occasion was a quick chat with my ever so fantastic boss, who happened to have sent us this yesterday:

The short chat about the uncertainty of my future scheduling, of possible appt and tests, and that things like this week, could possibly and unfortunately happen again, easily became an hour and a half discussion about all sorts of things. How unfortunately common miscarriage is, how I was doing, how the Boy was doing, how his wife dealt with hers, how he dealt with his wife's.

During this, it dawned on me. I'm actually ok talking about it face to face with people that understand. I'm not completely over, but I think I am most definitely well on my to a full emotional recovery. I will never forget the last 10 days of my life, but I have come to a full acceptance of it all. I actually feel like I can join the rest of the world again. Well, at least the rest of the world that isn't going on and on about how precious their newborn is or how fantastic their pregnancy has been and that the nursery is coming along swimmingly. I can actually interact with people in an way that practically resembles normal.

This mean that I will not be helping my sister-in-law paint her nursery this weekend, especially since the helping her paint her son's room was really just me and my brother-in-law painting and her sorting papers in another room or listening to her non-stop ramblings about her pregnancy and the baby. This probably also mean that I won't be attending their Super Bowl get-together on Sunday. Darn.I can't handle being around pregnant or new mom people yet. Besides, I don't want to tell them about any of this because she had a miscarriage and will most likely give me advice on what to do now. Our situations are completely different as she had no problem getting pregnant at all, just a case of low progesterone after 7wks. Not sure how much she would understand that my pregnancy was an almost miracle to begin with and I have already a progesterone issue.

It does mean that I'll be attempting to go to work on Monday. The bleeding is slowing down, the cramps aren't as strong, and I have more energy to actually do things for myself here and there. Maybe I'll even be able to get to some of the house cleaning that has fallen to the wayside the last 2 weeks. There is only 1 major hurdle that I see before me in our path to getting back to normal.

Telling the parents. We feel we have to do it. It's really for our own good. At least this way, if we tell them we were TTC, got pregnant but miscarried, and will be TTC again, they'll stop with the grandkid questions and I won't have to think about our loss each time they bring it up and try to fumble for some excuse or cover. I've found that being upfront and honest has gotten me this far, so I'm hoping that holds up and continues to take care of us.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Dealing and Healing

I know this process is different for every woman and every pregnancy. Thankfully, I can say I'm doing alright. Not great, but ok. Monday, I was a complete and total wreck after that fated call back. I called and told Chris the bad news, and cried in the stairwell. Pulled myself together enough to make it back to the scope room and battled tears, anger, hurt, loss, and almost every other emotion under the sun for the next 3.5hrs. Then, I realized I couldn't stay in that room for the rest of the day. Crap. I'm an ugly crier. As soon as the tears start, my eyes and nose turn red. Not pink, or anything, straight up red! And my eyes get super puffy and swollen. Ugh. I could not leave that room looking like this. The only thing I could use was some ethanol on a tissue to cool my angry red, swollen eyelids and nose, hopefully enough to not look like I've spend the last 2hrs bawling alone in the dark.

It have some what worked because I was able to make it to my shared office, go in my purse and take an nice Xanax pill along with some ibuprofen without anyone mentioned anything or asking if I was ok. Oh, I forgot to mention that crying gives me intense headaches. So for the rest of the work day, i was able to be blissfully numb enough to pretend I was fine. I can not say that lasted once I got home though. After hugging and kissing my fantastic husband, I swung wildly from very sad, to wanting to be violently angry. I wanted to break something, to scream, to get all the pain, anguish and emptiness that was inside me out. I had a glass and a half of wine, don't remember what I ate, and my laptop. After several hours of tears and snot streaming down my face, multiple updates to people and groups online,  we headed to bed. Oh, I forgot to mention that our propane tank ran empty Monday morning and we had no heat until the next day.

I woke up Tuesday, still sad, but far far more stable and on the mend emotionally. And swollen. I could have been a face double for Rocky at the end of a fight, minus the blood though. My face hurt. More than my heart and more than the rest of my body. I spend the whole day in bed. Except for a few excursions to the restroom and a time or two to other rooms, I was in the bed, in pjs, ALL day long. I researched what to expect during a miscarriage, after a miscarriage, how other people dealt, how they felt, and I wrote. I wrote a blog post. I wrote to other women I knew that had gone through it. I wrote to my boss, briefly, about it all and how it would affect my work. I emailed, and Facebooked, and instant messaged. I got it out in a much healthier way than the night before. I was pulling through. Dealing with the emotional and mental aspects and healing.

Things have been picking up on the physical side of things, but aren't horrible. Much stronger cramping and aches than a normal period and just different, but not agonizing. My RE must have forgot to mention it or thought it was common sense, but I did not know that tampons are a NO-NO for miscarriage bleeding. Oops! Totally a learning process here. All of it is a process. There is no right way or wrong way of feeling or dealing or healing. It just is and that's perfectly fine. I do recommend some Tylenol or Advil or something though. Lifesavers, they are.

Today, things continue. Life is still going on, moving forward. I feel ok today as well. The talking and typing have helped. The sharing my feelings, both physical and not, is allowing me to keep on keeping on. I've accepted my loss, that the baby wasn't to be, and am thankful that it happened sooner rather than later. While not fully healed, emotionally or physically, I'm looking forward. We both agreed to keep trying right away. The Dr said to wait a cycle, but I think that is just for dating the pregnancy. If I happen to ovulate in a timely manner and we happen to feel like trying, I think I'd be ok if we happen to get pregnant again or even if it doesn't happen. I won't be taking the letrozole/femara this cycle and I haven't decided about the progesterone, but probably not. We'll just have to see. In the meantime, I'm taking things day by day and being content with just being ok.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

I'm a statistic.

My life has become numbers and statistics, and none of them have anything to do with anything scientifically significant like they use to.

Cycle days (currently 2), days post ovulation, number of cycles (8), number of months (7), possible estimated due date, today's date (2/1). 1st beta hCG 24, progesterone 16. 2nd beta hCG 4.6. Numbers, numbers everywhere.

About 10% of the female US population will experience some form of infertility. 1 in 6 couples will have difficulty conceiving. One third is female issues; one third is male; 20% is unexplained, and 10% is a combination of partner issues. There is a 20-25% chance of conceiving each cycle if sex occurs during the woman's fertile period. 1 in 5 pregnancies will end in miscarriage. Of that, half will occur before a heartbeat can be detected.*

I am 1 in 6, that 10%, that 1 in 5 and that half. I am that <0.1% of the US married, TTC population that have had difficulty getting pregnant because we both have reproductive issues and the pregnancy ended in miscarriage before there was a heartbeat. I am the current face of infertility and loss. And right now, I feel like just being that number, a statistic. I'm fine with it. Numbers just are what they are. They can't help being odd or even, can't control if they are prime or not.

My infertility is nothing I've done to myself, nothing I could control. This miscarriage is what it is. Sure, it is my loss, but it's not my fault. It just is. I'm not saying I'm ok with it or that it is just a loss and nothing more. I'm far from ok, but right now I just am. I am ok with just being right now. Just being what ever I feel I need to be. If that is angry or sad, confused or numb, than that's what I am. I can't change it. I don't want to change it. I shouldn't have to change it. And I'm not going to change it.

The amount of support I have felt and been shown the last 2 days is remarkable. Women I don't know, never met, will probably never meet have sent me their condolences, their sincere sadness for my loss. The friends that I have online and a few that now in person have offered me any support I feel I need from them and their heartfelt sympathies. Unfortunately, there have been several women I have met and those I have not, that have also sent me their understanding and can commiserate with what I'm going through. Even my male boss, has shown me understanding, compassion and support. My husband had been the greatest. While he is not experiencing this loss as I am, he is still disappointed and sad. While he is not emotionally distraught, he has no problem with me being what ever I need to be and doing what ever I need to do. He even offered to make me a bowl of ice cream for dinner which I so greatly appreciated but did not have any appetite. *** He actually has taken the week off work to be with me after talking with his manager. I love my husband!***

This amazing outpouring of sympathy and support, while it doesn't change anything, makes this process slightly easier. I may be a statistic, but at least I'm not alone.

* Statistics taken from Resolve: The National Infertility Association and The CDC's Division of Reproductive Health