Post-shower Thought Dump

Ok, so it's been a week since my shower. A very busy, sleep-deprived kind of week.

So, overall, I'd have to say the shower wasn't all that bad. Awkward and uncomfortable at times, but not too horrible. There were points were I felt kinda lost and useless, standing/sitting around while other people were playing the games and getting ready, etc.

My SIL and friend really out did themselves, though. It was a good bit "theme-y" but at least the theme was fall/pumpkins and not something obnoxious like diaper pins/rattles, etc. I don't personally have any photos as I was a bit occupied putting on my smiley face and pretending that this is just a commonplace pregnancy and I don't have a care in the world. All the relatives over 35 that attended insisted on belly rubbings though. Definitely some of the awkward times there.

The food was really good and was predominantly made by the friend-that-helped-decorate's boyfriend. Yum! I just mostly grazed. The anxiety kinda killed my appetite. I experienced most of the food as leftovers that SIL insisted we take home. Left-overs included about 1lb of meatballs, a pint of spinach dip, a quart of chicken and grape salad, 1 dozen cupcakes (mostly carrot cake, but a few chocolate ones too), brownie "cake" pops, misc candies and some pretzels.

Games weren't too horrible. There was the obligatory "How big is my belly" game, a diaper raffle, and "guess the mystery baby items". I prefaced the belly sizing game with the fact that I won't hold it against anyone if they make their length of "belly tape" crazy long. I'm not huge and I know it. I'm comfortable with my size so a silly piece of plastic that is 5ft long isn't going to send me into hysterics, hiding in the bathroom. Two people tied for the game though. My super-fertile friend from work with the practically 1yo little girl who is my cloth diaper mentor and my friend E who is (still) TTC and recently started going to the RE practice that we saw. I really wanted E to get the prize b/c Fertile Friend won the diaper raffle. Unfortunately, SIL had a guess the number tie-breaker instead. It was fair, but I really wanted E to have won! I got to keep all the baby items from the Mystery game which I not too surprisingly got all of them correct when we did the answers.

Then it was presents time. Holy freaking Cow! I have never opened that many gifts at any one point in my entire life before. Not even for our wedding! It was like a never ending pile of gifts and cards and tissue paper! We got some awesome stuff from our registry. Lots of practical items (which I love!). We even had a few crafty friends and families make us some things like a bib, onesie, pants/sweater outfit and blanket. I almost cried at those, but was able to hold it together. My MIL even brought the travel system she purchased for use, assembled and all. She out did herself b/c she even got it in the color I truly fell in love with, but couldn't find a link for anywhere but the maker's website. Sneaky husband apparently had a hand in that.

And then it was time that things were wrapping up. Holy crap again! It had been 3.5hrs! All in all, there were about 20 people there (10 of which were relatives). I didn't expect so many people to show up at all! As the Boy said, "Guess people actually really like me" (or they just really like things baby related). It was awesome having the Boy there the whole time, even if he wasn't actively participating or spending time with many people.

I can't remember if it was that evening or the next day, but I sent E a message to let her know how greatly I appreciated her attending and how much it meant to me. She said she had a great time and loved it. She is a better woman than I because I know how hard and sucky showers are when you keep getting met with disappointment in your own baby-endeavors. On top of that, she has just started her period a few days earlier. Bless her heart, she has such a better outlook on things than I did at that point. I keep thinking about it, and when the time comes (hopefully soon), I think I will offer to throw E a shower...

So grand summation of the baby shower - Not bad and almost enjoyable, but makes me really glad I only had 1 big shower and not several of medium showers (like my 2w-behind me friend whose 4th shower is this afternoon). Sure, you'd get more things that way, but that is sooo not my cup or tea! I just enjoyed having all my family and friends there supporting us and being excited for us. It also kinda lit a fire under my bum to get things cranking away in preps for baby. We had started painting the nursery, but last weekend upped the gears a bit. As I type this, the room has 2 coats of the 2 primary colors, and I'm about to start on one of the accent stripes. Also, I've gone through some of the items we've received previously and sorted/organized them as well. We still have quite a ways to go... 7w should be plenty of time for that, right? Especially with Thanksgiving and Christmas tucked in there...

List of things left to do for nursery:
Buy/decorate baby dresser
Assemble crib once my parents drop it off
Get a chair of some sort
Hang new light fixture and curtains
Make previously said curtains
Wash and put away all baby clothes, etc
Organize all other baby items (diapers, bottles, etc)

For my next post, I think I'm going to show you guys all what things I've been keeping myself busy with these last few weeks/months (and how none of them are completed). Maybe I'll even have a pic or 2 of the nursery, painted at least. Not sure if I'll be able to get that up before Thursday, in which case I want to say "Happy Thanksgiving" to all of you in the US! Those of you not in the States or not celebrating Thanksgiving, I still invite you to stuff your faces full of delicious foods and lounge around as much as possible!

Pre-shower Thoughts

(Hey! A post 2 weeks in a row!)

So...

Yeah...

Tomorrow is the big day.

MY baby shower.

That just sounds so odd and crazy. Surreal and unreal. But that's what my Goo.gle calendar says and the little invitation on my cluttered "desk" in the kitchen leads me to believe. My mom and dad are on their way down here to spend today and tomorrow with us. According to my previously-PG SIL, 20 people have RSVP'd.

TWENTY. TWO. ZERO.

That seems like a ton of people to me! Sure 10 of them are just our family, but still... I guess people actually like me. That or they just like free food and talking babies. I think it's a coin toss there. We have already received a few gifts by mail for those that are unable to attend due to distance. It's kinda scary how much baby stuff is in our house right now and how much will be here by the end of tomorrow.

So I really want to explore my thoughts and feelings pre-shower and then compare them with post-shower. I feel very strange about it all. I'm a bit more apprehensive than I think most moms-to-be are about it. I hate being the center of attention and having a huge fuss and deal made over me. I don't know how comfortable I'll be talking about my pregnancy and baby plans etc with people. I'm far more relaxed to talk about our infertility than our current success for some odd reason. There's also the fact that practically everyone has advice and recommendations about these last few weeks and beyond. While I appreciate that they are trying to "help", I'm just taking things as they come. We don't so much have a plan as we have "preferences" (thanks to our birth class teach for that term!). Our journey this far has taught me that nothing is predictable, and you really can't plan life. It does what it wants for the most part and you just have to roll with the punches.

Also, I'm worried that lots of people are going to try to be touching my belly at the shower. This totally weirds me out, big time! I love touching my belly. I love the Boy touching it. I'm awkward with our parents touching it. I haven't had anyone else try to touch it, so I don't know how I'll respond. I really don't want to punch someone when/if they try to rub it. I think that would make me a horrible honoree.

The Boy keeps telling me just to think of it as we'll be getting lots of free stuff from people. True, but I feel odd when people give and buy things just for me. I keep trying to think of it more as them doing that for Baby and not me, which helps some. It is still weird for me to think that people are buying stuff and getting all excited for this giant lump in (on?) my abdomen. Plus, it brings me back to the belly-touching phobia.

My ideal shower would be more like a cook-out get-together. People just come over and hang out and talk about anything and everything. There are dudes and chicks, food and drinking and just general good times being had. There would be no "games" and no really decorations. No cutesy and froo-froo items or activities. Just chilling and "Oh yeah, I happen to be pregnant" in the background. While I didn't have my SIL label the shower as co-ed, guy are free to attend if they wanted. Shockingly, none of the male counterparts want to attend! If I had said co-ed, I think some of them may have been guilted into coming by their Sigs. I'm well aware that 99.99% of guys do NOT want to be at baby showers. And I totally understand why. They are the same reasons why I do NOT like being at baby showers! Far too many females talking about babies, being pregnant, getting pregnant, those looks of "Honey, don't you just want (another) one of those?" and "How cute is X, Y, Z!" Those things translates into "Blah blah blah blah blah" and "Warning! Danger! Danger, Will Robinson" to most guys.

Lastly, I think the shower brings up a huge fear, one I'm sure that most women that have battled infertility have. What if we get all this stuff and everyone is all excited and worked up, but there doesn't end up being a baby at the end? What if something happens between now and coming home from the hospital? What do you do with all the baby stuff that has filled your house and life? That and it is starting to make things far too real for me. It seems to no longer be "This is cute for a baby" and "Baby would like that". Things are morphing into "Baby will be using this" and "Baby will be wearing these" and "Baby needs this and that".

Sh!t is gettin' real, yo! We are both starting to get really excited about it all. I'm actually giddy about a few things. Plus, I'm starting to plan and get ahead of myself with things. Things like Maternity leave. We've been putting off most of the post-birth necessities like finding a Pediatrician and figuring out child-care for when I go back to work. Now, we are feeling the crunch to get these things done; the pressure of the limited amount of time until they are going to be needed. All that keeps making that big FEAR pop up in my head more and more.

I'm sure that these feelings are completely normal given everything to date, but it sucks. I'd really just love to be able to let myself get and stay excited. Stupid loss and IF! Well, Here's to the home stretch!!

** I wrote this all up yesterday, but forgot to hit post! Thank you auto-save!

Random Run-down #3

Yikes! Has it really been practically 3 weeks since my last post? Somebody smack me around a bit and get my butt into gear here!

There hasn't been a whole lot to say about any one particular thing so I'll just do a quick rundown with some bullet points.

• Life is still a bit frazzled here. Lil sis has moved out, but my dad is still staying with us ~3d a week. That will soon be changing, as my parents are under contract to buy a house less than 10min away from us, but likely won't close or move until after Thanksgiving and into December.

• Holy moley, I'm 30w pregnant! Some how the 3rd trimester crept up on me... just over 2mo and hopefully, we'll be bringing home a baby. I've also started the every 2w appt at the Ob's office. I wonder if they'll be doing a growth scan and all these other things I hear other women talk about their practices doing?

• It's freaking getting cold! It is too early for lows in the 30's and frost/freeze warnings here! I shouldn't have to turn the heat on in October! The cooler temps have been nicer for sleeping though.

• Speaking of sleeping, I wish I could. I need to learn how to fall back to sleep anytime I wake up for a bit at night. Taking 20-30min to drift off again each time is getting old, fast.

• The baby shower the SIL is planning/throwing for me with help from my mom and lil sis is less than 2w away. Not sure how I'm feeling about it... I'm kinda starting to have to resign myself to people fussing over me... The following weekend is the shower for the friend who had the surprise pregnancy due 2w after me. It will be her 4th shower for this child. Does that seem absurd to anyone else?

• I've made it this far without any random stranger(s) touching me or the belly. It's only been in the last month or less that people in line places, etc seem to realize and comment on me being pregnant. Let's hope the hands-off continues for the next 70d or so.

• We have still not done a thing for the nursery. Actually, I take that back. We picked out the 2 main color swatches, not just color group. Glid.den's Fresh Guacamole and Beh.r's Pastel Jade. That is the extent of our progress. Someday we'll clean the room out, actually paint it, and maybe even put some furniture in there.

• The little tyke is a mover and a shaker. It's a bit surreal (and freaky) to watch my abdomen contort like it does. Thankfully, I have a polite fetus that doesn't wake me up at night with movement or kicks to the ribs (at least not yet). Now if only my hips would be as cooperative...

• We are 95% complete with the deck. It is all built and railings are up. Just need the slats put on the step-side rail and to finish staining it all. At least it is usable and such now. Maybe I'll take a pic of it and post soon, if I can talk myself into to doing so without the project being totally complete...

• We started childbirth classes 2 weeks ago at the hospital I'll hopefully be delivering at when the munchkin decides it's ready. It's an interesting collection of people in our class to say the least. I apparently have over-researched all this stuff, because I often feel like one of the few people there that seem to know what things are, what terms mean, and all. Oh, and there is 1 other couple out of the other dozen that are waiting to find out gender as well. Coincidentally, they are also C and C W. That just tickled me!

I can't think of much else to say just now. Life has just been moving on, day by day. I have discovered the wonder that is maternity leggings and husband shirts. Other than that, my animals have been stinkers and either peeing on the floor (evil male cat) or shredding whatever they can get their slobbery traps on (Mazzy, Cricket, I'm looking at you two here!).

I hope everyone else out in blog land is doing at least ok if not great. I'm still reading and rooting for you all! Take care and hold onto hope!

SIL-ution Found

The shower situation has been solved!

I found a compromise that worked for us both. Aren't I a genius!?

Partially born out of my desire not to be there with a good smidgen of my inability to attend, I decided to opt out of the actual shower next weekend.

Instead, I contacted her a few days ago to see if they had any free time this weekend to hang out a bit. We worked it out to go over there last night for dinner. I brought the intended shower gift and a card for the both of them; they gave us food and some hockey time.

I'm no sure why this hadn't occurred to me sooner. It was a great resolution. They got to know that I'm (mostly) happy for them and their baby and not just blowing them off by missing the shower. Plus, they got some onesies and some baby toys, not to mention a great gift bag! I got to appease my guilt of not attending the actual shower. It was much better to do it this way. A total win-win. They got the recognition of their great achievement, and I didn't have to deal with a house full of babies, women talking non-stop about babies and pregnancy, and there would be no crying in a bathroom.

Heck, I even got 2 free EPT digital hpt's out of the trip!

It wasn't a fantastic evening for me, but far better than I know the shower would have been. She still rambled on about the baby and her pregnancy and complained. I was a bit taken aback that she didn't seem to curb any of that given that a) she knows what we are dealing with/going through, and b) she "has been there too" and should know better. It was still like she assumed that she needed to fill me in on things that happen when you are pregnant and in your 3rd trimester. I'm sure I could figure out that you get uncomfortable, and it is difficult to do lots of things, and the baby kicks and doesn't like this or that. I get it!

But I'm proud of myself. Immensely proud. I did something that took a lot on my part to go through with at all. I didn't put a lot of thought into the gift- it was a very whirlwind zip into Target, grabbed some baby things that weren't ridiculously expensive, a bag and some tissue paper, wrapping it all in the car on the way over. But I didn't complain. I didn't pout or act anti-social. Nor did I try and make it about me or mention anything about what we are doing now, later, etc. I was quite content to just leave the gift there for them to open when they wanted and not make it a bit to-do. She wanted to open it before we left, which I was fine with, too.

And now, I can focus on one of my favorite females. My wiggle-butt pup, Cricket, goes in next week for knee surgery, and I'm able to spend next weekend pampering and tending to her, with a guilt-free conscience.

In other news... Things are growing. Except out in my garden and not my uterus. Veggie sprouts have been transplanted from their starter dishes into my garden beds, and I have a few little red strawberries peeking out from my planter. Here's hoping a have a bountiful harvest from my petite backyard farm!

The Baby Shower Sitch

So here's just a little update about the SIL's baby shower dealio. Rather than go back-and-forth with myself over what I should do, I sent her an email. It's a bit rough and a little disjointed, I know, because if I gave it too much more thought, I never would have the balls to hit the send button.

I know [Boy] has told [BIL] what's been going on for us lately, and I'm sure he's passed that on to you.

I've received the baby shower invite from the [SIL's friend] the other week. I haven't RSVP'd for it yet, though. I am very conflicted and just wanted to take a moment to let you know why.

I would hate to say I will be there and then unable to feel I can make it come the day of the shower. I also don't want to outright say I won't be there. At this moment, I can't predict how I will feel that day and therefore, don't know how to respond to the invite. The baby showers that I was invited to at the end of last year were a bit uncomfortable and difficult for me then, so I don't know how I will handle one now. I don't want to take away from your joy on that day. All I can promise right now is that I'll try to be there. I hope you will understand.

So here's hoping she does understand that I'll be a bit wishy-washy on that subject. Now... I have to wait and see how she responds...

I should have taken a Topography course in college

Then, I'd be able to figure out what's what on a map. Then, I'd be able to figure out where the heck I am and how to get to where I want to be. I wish it was as easy as it is in the game "Life". All I'd have to do is draw the card and BAM! baby in the back seat.

Another thing crushing down on me is my SIL's impending baby shower. April 16th. I have 30 days to figure out what the heck I'm going to do. I've put off helping her friend organize it by using the "busy with work" excuse. I got the invite last week and haven't responded yet. I don't want to say yes and either make myself go or chicken out of it at the last minute. I don't want to say no and have to deal with all that goes with it for the next 30 days. Help?

EDIT: SIL and BIL know what's gone on as the Hubs told them a few weeks ago. His parents are the only other members of his family that know. Her shower is going to have other SIL and several other relatives that would definitely ask questions if I'm not there as we only live <30min away. I could make it through the shower with enough X.anax, assuming I'm not pregs by then (most likely not). I'll probably sit on it for a bit longer and see if I find any clarity. I'm pretty sure I'm just going to buy them something online as I can NOT go down the baby aisles w/o tearing up.