Hello, again.

It's been a while. Way too long. Like 6 months too long.

The up-to-date-ing will definitely be broken up as 6m is way too much to pack into a single post.

Life has really been a whirlwind since Lucy's birth (probably before it if I'm totally honest). Ups and downs, lots of highs and possibly more lows. Lots of beginnings and too many ends.

There are other reasons I haven't written other than time because in truth, I could make time to do a few sentences if I had really wanted to. There were times that I came close, but just couldn't. I'm pretty certain I had a decent spell of PP depression. Whether that was compounded or caused by a host of issues including finances, nursing issues, reflux and dairy intolerance (for which I went and still am dairy-free in my diet) from Lucy, I'm not sure. I am sure that there was lots of crying in this house, though I don't know which of us 2 cried more.

Things would get better, then something would happen, and BAM- down I went. Some times it was something big, but mostly not. I felt guilty a lot for not truly enjoying Lucy like I did Em in that newborn honeymoon phase. Once the reflux and screaming/crying kicked up at ~2.5w, I was doubting myself as a mother, our decision to have a 2nd, everything almost.

Things got a bit better around 4-5m PP. Then lil miss over-achiever decides to start army crawling. Yes, at 5m. I was already having huge issues coming to terms with being done. This kid seems to feel the need to shove it back in my face by being in such a hurry to grow up and not let me revel in this last age of babydom. That hasn't slowed down any, either. She was sitting unassisted at 6m. Full on hands and knees crawling before 7m. Teeth at 7m. Pulling up at 7.5m. Edging before 8m. And now, just shy of 9m, she's been trying to stand unassisted and walk. She just doesn't understand "SLOW DOWN!"

Em is growing way too fast as well. She already get sarcasm. Can dress herself from head to toe on her own. Use the bathroom all alone. Grasp hard concepts like relationships like grandma= daddy's mom and aunt is cousin's mom, and harder ones like illness and death. She's been Forward facing in dad's car for a while now and about to turn in mine. Helps with chores, some unassisted and other big kid things that make me want to cry and cradle her like a newborn again.

The IF jealousy, frustration, and spite/rage have returned as people I know get knocked up on accident from just 1 time and other fertile-myrtle crap. I've also had to revisit the loss emotions in comforting several friends as they endured heart-wrenching losses- a missed miscarriage that required 2 D&Cs and a miscarriage from a surprise pregnancy after testicular cancer surgery and chemo treatment. That was all topped off with a friend of a friend (who lives a few neighborhoods over from me) having her labor end in a stillbirth.

While there has been so much joy in my life these last 6m, there has been so incredibly much loss and heartache. The biggest of which was the news my FIL had lung cancer, followed by it metastasizing to his liver, chemo not fully working and it spreading to his brain and bones which radiation helped with slightly until it spread systemically. We got the call at the tail end of good friend's wedding that we needed to go visit ASAP if we wanted to say goodbye. He passed 2 days later on May 4th. I still hurt for the Boy, for Em, for Lucy who will never really remember him, for my MIL who lost her best friend of almost 43yrs and for his faithful choc lab that is still waiting by the windows and doors for him to come home over a month later. Telling and explaining it to Emma was quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Seeing her cry at his viewing about killed me. I still can't talk or write about any of that without immediately welling up with tears if not full blown crying or sobbing.

As it is now 10:30pm, I'm crying and have a headache from the immensity of those last 4 paragraphs, have been sleeping for crap due to a teething almost-9 month old, and need to go nurse said child to sleep now, I'll wind this "quick update" post that turned word- and emotion-vomit up.

Hello, again, blogging world. I've missed so much! Enjoy this picture.

And 4 is Something Else Entirely!

It's been quite a while since my last post. The last several months of this pregnancy went by way too fast. I hadn't really felt up to writing. I didn't really know what to write without constantly complaining, was unmotivated to write, and was scraping the barrel when it came to energy in the evenings after work and then wrangling a toddler.

All but the complaining still hold true with some bonus reasons, but I had to share this.

Lucy Arden was born at home on 9/10 at 1:09pm.

6lbs 11oz

20.25"

Her labor was pretty quick as well. About 4hrs in total. Except for the back labor and posterior presentation, Lucy's birth was pretty similar to Em's. Similar length of time, bloody show shortly before birth, water broke right before pushing, and a similar sized baby born 2d before her due date.

Em is in love with her sister, maybe a bit too much. I'm tired, but recovery has been great; healing was much quicker than it was after Em, even through Lucy came sunny-side up. Lucy is growing well, but has some silent reflux issues and had an upper lip and tongue tie that we had taken care of this past Thursday.

I'm not going to lie and say things are happy and perfect. Far from it. Breastfeeding has been alright, but the crying has been really trying. I will admit that there have been moments where I've felt like breaking down and that having a 2nd might have been a mistake. In clearer moments, I'm head over heels in love with Lucy. I love the interaction between the girls.

Roller-coasters

Life has been a series of roller-coasters since the holidays.

The weather has been going up and down, up, way way down and back up. It's super annoying and gives me short lived joy at the thought of a warmer winter. The worse was last week, or was it the week before, where we went from highs almost in the 70s to a high of 22 (low was in the single digits), all in the span of a day or 2. I know it's not that obscenely cold as many parts of the US (and world) are colder and snowier than that for months at a time. But NC is the South. The South isn't suppose to get that cold!! Plus, I'm irritated that we have to keep light jackets and heavy coats out and accessible because who knows which you'll need tomorrow!

On top of the weather, work has been something else. I was (am) working on a collaborative paper that has been in the works for over a year and a half now, almost 2yrs. It was so annoying to have to go back to revisit data from 2+yrs ago, even more-so due to the fact that it was spread across 2 diff computers as my old work computer died out and all my data was transferred to 2 different location and not all of it was reloaded on my current computer. Plus, a co-worker that is also one of the lead authors keeps adding and requesting new things to it. I can't write at work because of other co-workers always asking me petty little questions or mentioning trivial things, nor can I write at home as I have a 2yr old who I'd rather spend time with than write and a home that does need to be cleaned and chores needing to be done at some time. Blah. The new hire is doing a bit better, but I still find myself having to repeat and re-explain things. Maybe it has to do with that age group? I don't know, but it is super irritating and annoying.

Works not been all negative, as my boss has been pretty appreciative of things, and I feel like I've accomplished a good bit by the end of the year. Plus, work was closed from Christmas eve through New Year's day. That was 10d with Em, and they were mostly fun times! As usual, all my Christmas shopping was almost last minute. My favorite gifts were for my mom and MIL- painted handprint Santas and footprint Christmas tree and penguin with cornstarch dough. Em had a blast making those! Christmas itself was nice minus 2 things- SIL was very annoying, irritating and self-centered and Em threw the biggest tantrum of her life Christmas day. For the 1st time ever, we had to soothe her by driving around the neighborhood at 10:30 at night to get her to stop screaming and settle down to sleep. Oh man, it was something else. The rest of Christmas day was beyond fun with her though!

Of course, just for fun and just in case, I POAS Christmas morning. Not surprisingly, it was negative. No Letro.zole rx, so late ovulation on cd21. I was only 5dpo. Way, way too soon for anything to show up. Not that I thought that cycle would work any way. Here's where the super-duper stressful roller-coaster begins, think along the lines of those huge wooden, rattly, old ones...

Since I used up my Letro scripts and needed to do a reconsult to get it filled, I deferred until after the holidays as I couldn't stand to have more bad news like we did back in 2010 just before Christmas. On top of that, TTC#2 has just been wearing me down. I was thinking of taking a hiatus and revisiting TTC at some point in time later in 2014. I just wasn't feeling the excitement or hopefulness of it anymore. I was getting to the point of complacency and just going through the motions. Did I even want a 2nd kid at this point? Em's pretty freakin' awesome and I love her to absolute pieces, so I don't think I'd feel incomplete or anything. Our finances are much less than ideal currently so and additional kid in daycare plus needing a new car to fit 2 carseats in would be adding new strain on our already lean bank account. I was tired of all the stress, tracking everything of my cycle, peeing on things, waiting, disappointment, more waiting. Blah...

CD10 rolls around and as I've not had any single symptom one way or another- no PMS but no nausea, adversions, headaches, nothing- I decided to POAS that was laying around under the sink that evening. Of course, it would be negative!

But it wasn't.  How on earth did that 2nd line get there! Also, the RE's office was closed for non-emergent appts. My Ob's office was able to fit me in for a beta and progesterone draw, and told me only after I had been there and completed it, that it would be about 2-3 business days. -.- (no other way to express it than that emoticon). Oh and did I mention that I only had 3 more suppositories? Yeah, had to get that rx filled as well, but thankfully, the compounding pharmacy was still opened and actually had some in stock!

I told Hubs that evening (hey, I held out a full 24hrs this time!) with a card and a test. Then we headed out for some NYE festivities. Really great timing there as I really could have used a night of inebriation! Here's the quick run down of the next 7 days:

Thursday, 1/2- beta and progesterone at REs - hCG 84, p4 was 17
Monday, 1/6 - repeat draws at RE's- hCG 631, p4 still at 17. Ob calls with 1st draw results- hCG 25 and p4 13.2
Wednesday, 1/8- another repeat draw- hCG 632- Also, Em turned 2!!
Thursday, 1/9 another draw to check if it was lab error or something was wrong.-Not ectopic, was even a bubble in my uterus and hCG came back at over 1,600. Follow up u/s scheduled for Thurs the 16th.

Then, we focused on Em's little family get together birthday celebration. She had fun, got some great stuff and did fantastic with a real cake, real candles and ice cream even!

Carrot cake w/ cream cheese icing is great for hair styling!

 Thankfully, other than being cold and rainy, the next 7d were rather uneventful. We went back on Thursday and had the repeat u/s, at ~5w6d. That little bubble, had grown into a yolk sac and there was the start of a fetal pole even. We head back again this coming Thursday to confirm the presence of a heartbeat (at ~6w6d, it should be there).

Thankfully, my only symptoms are tiredness, a bit of bloating, and the appetite of a teenage boy. Not sure I would have been able to handle all that stress and worry on top of all day nausea, headaches and overall blahs like I had with the last 2 pregnancies.

My EDD is 9/12, my BIL bday, and that would make 9 September birthdays between our families if everything works out as "normal". Yup, another September baby- the one month I had hoped to avoid. Looks like my secret to success is to try treatment for a few months, give up hope but still "try" half-heartedly, expecting utter failure.

It took me almost a week to decide to write and post this. It's weird knowing that I'm pregnant, without feeling like it or really expecting it at all. It feels a bit disconnected from me. But maybe that's what happens when in the course of a week you go from deciding not to keep TTC (or take a break), find out your pregnant, have crazy doubling hCG levels that then stall, leading you to fear either an ectopic or loss of a potential twin, to everything looking alright. All I know is that the next 8m had better be a lot smoother. Good thing this is the last baby as I don't think I could handle TTC, the worry and anxiety of TTC and being pregnant after IF and loss one more time.

Happy Holidays to all!

I know this time of year can be really hard and rough for those still in the trenches. Heck, 2 Christmases ago, we were told that we had a better chance at winning the lottery than conceiving without IVF and ICSI. That was a sad, sad holiday season for me. All I wanted was a baby.

Last year, the only thing I wanted for the holidays was the same, except I was 38w and that dream rainbow baby could have come at any moment. I just wanted a healthy baby born.

This year, I can't really think of much I want for Christmas. Not something that can be purchased for or gifted to me. I can't wait to see Christmas through the eyes of a child, and this year, it's going to be my child. I love the fascination Emma has for the twinkling lights, brightly wrapped presents under the tree, and playing with the (child-safe) ornaments on the tree.

Christmas is a time for family and friends. Those by blood, by marriage. Old and new. Near, far. Those IRL, and those only a mouse click away. I'd like to say that you are all part of my blogging family and internet friends.

From my little family to you, Blogosphere: Merry Christmas, Happy, Hanukkah and the very happiest of New Years. May your dreams come true in 2013!

Crazy Eights

Ok. I promise at some point I'll make more than just these monthly(ish) posts on Em. I honestly don't know where the hours and days (and weeks and months!) go these days. I always seem to think up things to say when I have no way to put them to paper or type. One day though...

Speaking of time flying by, Em is a freaking 8m old now! When did this happen? I mean other than "on Sept 8th".

New things going on:
- Commando-style crawling, that I think resembles a seal on land. Boy, is she quick though!
- As of Thursday, lowering herself to sitting from standing, intentionally and controlled. It sound simple and mundane, but is a pretty big deal in babyland.
- Sitting to hands & knees and attempts to stand from there. It really just ends up looking like downward-facing dog.
- Fishy/kissy faces and playing with her tongue. She makes noises that sound like a pig grunting.
- Pinching. This one is not so fun while feeding or holding her...
- Moving or "cruising" from couch to ottoman to what ever else is within reach around the room.
- Waving bye-bye or signing "milk." I'm not entirely sure which...
- Separation Anxiety. Mommy is the end-all-be-all and, at times,heaven-forbid if I set her down to do things or leave the room/turn the corner. Thank you, babywearing!
- Out of the infant car seat/carrier; hello big girl convertible car seat!
- She's officially been moved over to the mobile/ "big kid" side of the infant's room at daycare.
- Continued teething, but no teeth yet. They look like they are coming (hopefully) soon!

Chasing after Mommy. Can't believe she'd just set me down here!

Mommy is my favorite gym!

Em also had her 1st sick baby visit to the ped. She started having this spotty, pimply rash on her legs, chest, and back. There had been a couple of cases of Hand, foot & mouth (coxsackie virus) at the center, so I took her into check. Not anything to worry about as it was just a reaction to a common little virus that will need to run it's course. She didn't have any fever or diarrhea, just eye gook.

Em shared her 8m birthday with her new cousin. The previously and now PG again SIL had her boy that afternoon. 7lbs, 20in at 37.5w = a big boy; . It's odd to think that Em was smaller than that not too too long ago...

Still not much going on with me these days. I've been dealing with De Quervain tensynovitis or "mommy thumb"  in my right and dominant hand and having to wear a stabilizer brace off and on for the last several weeks. I'd also like to thank babywearing again as it let's me carry her without strain on my wrist or awkwardness in using my left side.

Just another sign that my body sucks at hormones.

An additional, more obvious sign is the unwelcomed return of acne. I was super lucky that pregnancy actually improved my complexion. It was soft, supple, and practically pimple free! Now, it's back to being (and possibly worse than before) dry, oily, and just break-outs galore. I've tried mild soaps, acne washes, toner, just water, moisturizers, oils - I'm not sure what else to do. I've been trying to drink extra fluids as I've heard hydration is the best thing for your skin, but no such luck here.

I know it's a common complaint among IFs, but it still pisses me off. I know it's possible for me to have fantastic skin as I was blessed with it for ~9m. I mean, I already miss being pregnant. This is just one more thing that make me miss it even more. Mind you, I'm not looking to start on #2 yet or for a while. I just want to have the pregnancy experience without the labor and all at the end. Oh and I could do without the nausea of it as well. I feel kinda weird admitting that as it seems sacrilegious to say after IF and to those going through it. "I want everything about being pregnant, except the baby at the end." I absolutely loved being pregnant, but as for another baby, I really just want to focus on Em and enjoy her for another year or so before adding to our family.

Mother's Day...

I don't know how I feel about it this year...

This morning on the radio, driving in the parking deck at work, a commercial almost had me sobbing behind the wheel. One of the local fertility clinics runs commercials, more frequently it seems, surrounding family-themed holidays. Currently, this one is about wanting to change your name. To "Mom." In that instance, all the pain and longing I felt while TTC and dealing with IF came flooding back. At the same time, I was overcome with sadness for those still feeling those same emotions everyday. And how beyond blessed I am to be able to have that title now, myself.

I'm overjoyed that I'm actually* a Mother for it this year. But maybe I have my expectations of how significant this day actually is too high. Maybe, like my views on Valentine's, it's just a commercially over-rated day to celebrate something that should be celebrated everyday. All I know is that I'm expecting this May 13th to be unlike any I've ever had.


That being said, I don't feel that this upcoming holiday only belongs to maternal parental units. I truly feel that one becomes a mother when they accept a child into their heart. It has nothing to do with pushing one out your wazoo. The moment you decide to share your life with a child, you are a Mom. To some, this may happen at the child's birth. Some, when they get that gender or 1st ultrasound. Others at that 2nd line. And I think for most reading this post, it happened the instant you decided to TTC.

It may be almost a week early, but I want to wish all you women a happy Mother's day. You are a wonderful mother to you child, be it in your arms, belly, heart or dreams.


*As defined by other people.

Counting Down to 2012 (oh, and baby, maybe?)

I'm so very excited for all the possibilities and potential that 2012 holds! 2011 has been an O-K year, but definitely filled with too many ups and downs to simply classify it as a good year or bad year.

Not entirely sure how we'll be ringing in the new year just yet. If you had asked me last week, it would have been possibly hanging with a few friends. Now, plans are kinda in limbo.

On Christmas and earlier in the week, I lost that glamorous mucus plug. Then at my 38w check up on Thursday, the Dr told me that I was already 2cm dilated. While I know that doesn't mean baby is imminent, he said I was ahead of the curve for 1st timers. So I've spent Thursday and Friday checking the TP with renewed vigor for some tinges of blood that would further show progress is being made. The irony is not lost on me though. I spent the last 30-some-odd weeks in fear of anything remotely reddish in color showing up. Now? Bring it.

Everyone keeps chatting me up about labor and baby's arrival. My mom and FIL were betting on the 30th. MIL says a NYE or NY day baby would be awesome. And since all the females on my side of the family have gone into labor prior to their due date, I've been entertaining the notion of meeting baby sooner, rather than later. I'm not sure why I think that trend will continue with me. The fertile/accidental pregnancy(ies) thing sure didn't. What makes me think that anything else reproductively will go the same?

I have to admit, I'm dying to meet my baby. I'd love to go into labor any day, hour or minute now. I'm not really doing anything to rush baby before it's ready, but if the kiddo decides it is time to come out, I'm totally cool with that! But for now, I just feel like I'm stuck in another waiting game. Everyone telling me I could go at any minute and how cool this day or that would be isn't helping either. The Boy is over me being pregnant. He wants our little munchkin to be here 5 minutes ago. Nothing is really helping in making the time go by quicker or distracting me with all that coming my way. It's almost worse than the 2ww. This wait, I have to make sure that the essentials are close at hand should we need to rush to the hospital. Can't/don't really want to go too far from home or the hospital, ya know, just in case. That and I don't really have the energy or range of movement to do all too much anyways.

I've also discovered my newest fear. It's pretty ridiculous, but I'm very much afraid of it. I'm petrified that I won't know I'm in labor, and I'll end up having the kid in the toilet thinking I just had to use the restroom or something. I've been having lots of Braxton Hicks contractions, but since they aren't painful or stop me in my tracks, I haven't been really paying attention to them. What if they are real, honest to goodness labor contractions? What if my incessant need to pee is actually my amniotic fluid leaking out slowly? Everyone says I'll know when the real show is on the road, but what if I don't?

At least if I was in the 2ww, I could justify a drink (pregnancy not likely, and no shared blood flow either way). That and I could fit into something cute and go out for the night. This NYE looks to be shaping up for 1 of 2 outcomes- either I'm sitting at home in pj pants and a shirt that doesn't meet the waistband or I'm wearing a hospital gown trying to push out a baby. Neither is as glamorous as a big night out on the town, drinking and partying, but I'm sure ya'll can all guess which one I'd rather it be!!

I've missed the Holiday Hooplah bus.

3 (or 4 depending on how you look at it) days until Christmas. Here's what I've completed for the holiday:

Put up 2 wreaths in the windows and a bow on the front door.
Decorated the chandelier tree I showed last post.
Hung holiday cards and stockings from the mantle

The end.

Writing and sending out Christmas cards is just not going to happen this year. Heck, Christmas is on Sunday, and I've accomplished exactly ZERO gift shopping. Zilch. Nada.

Thankfully, family and friends have given me the "preggo pass" on some of these things, but that does nothing to ease my guilt of coming off as Scrooge or the Grinch. Christmas just snuck up on me this year, it seems.

Some of my guilt and self-shaming is alleviated has been countered by me not asking for anything for Christmas. There is nothing really that I want that people can get me. I'm truly just thankful to have family that I can spend it with since my folks moved down here (which means my other sisters will be visiting here). Previously, it would have just been the Boy and I sitting on the couch with Christmas Spaghetti or the like. It's apparently not highly recommended to be traveling a few hours from the hospital at almost 38w pregnant. Go figure. Also, his parents will be coming up to visit on Tuesday, so that will be great as well.

All I'd really like for the holidays is to spend time with family. Now, if some one was able to wrap it up and put a bow on it, I'd love assurance that baby will arrive safely, and we'll both be happy and healthy at the end of it all. But since that doesn't fit well in any box, I'll just take family time.

Here is hoping everyone out there have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Awesome Kwanza, and Jolly Festivus! May your days be Merry and Bright and you get all that you want under the tree, menorah, etc. I'd put a baby under them if it was in my power!!

Post-shower Thought Dump

Ok, so it's been a week since my shower. A very busy, sleep-deprived kind of week.

So, overall, I'd have to say the shower wasn't all that bad. Awkward and uncomfortable at times, but not too horrible. There were points were I felt kinda lost and useless, standing/sitting around while other people were playing the games and getting ready, etc.

My SIL and friend really out did themselves, though. It was a good bit "theme-y" but at least the theme was fall/pumpkins and not something obnoxious like diaper pins/rattles, etc. I don't personally have any photos as I was a bit occupied putting on my smiley face and pretending that this is just a commonplace pregnancy and I don't have a care in the world. All the relatives over 35 that attended insisted on belly rubbings though. Definitely some of the awkward times there.

The food was really good and was predominantly made by the friend-that-helped-decorate's boyfriend. Yum! I just mostly grazed. The anxiety kinda killed my appetite. I experienced most of the food as leftovers that SIL insisted we take home. Left-overs included about 1lb of meatballs, a pint of spinach dip, a quart of chicken and grape salad, 1 dozen cupcakes (mostly carrot cake, but a few chocolate ones too), brownie "cake" pops, misc candies and some pretzels.

Games weren't too horrible. There was the obligatory "How big is my belly" game, a diaper raffle, and "guess the mystery baby items". I prefaced the belly sizing game with the fact that I won't hold it against anyone if they make their length of "belly tape" crazy long. I'm not huge and I know it. I'm comfortable with my size so a silly piece of plastic that is 5ft long isn't going to send me into hysterics, hiding in the bathroom. Two people tied for the game though. My super-fertile friend from work with the practically 1yo little girl who is my cloth diaper mentor and my friend E who is (still) TTC and recently started going to the RE practice that we saw. I really wanted E to get the prize b/c Fertile Friend won the diaper raffle. Unfortunately, SIL had a guess the number tie-breaker instead. It was fair, but I really wanted E to have won! I got to keep all the baby items from the Mystery game which I not too surprisingly got all of them correct when we did the answers.

Then it was presents time. Holy freaking Cow! I have never opened that many gifts at any one point in my entire life before. Not even for our wedding! It was like a never ending pile of gifts and cards and tissue paper! We got some awesome stuff from our registry. Lots of practical items (which I love!). We even had a few crafty friends and families make us some things like a bib, onesie, pants/sweater outfit and blanket. I almost cried at those, but was able to hold it together. My MIL even brought the travel system she purchased for use, assembled and all. She out did herself b/c she even got it in the color I truly fell in love with, but couldn't find a link for anywhere but the maker's website. Sneaky husband apparently had a hand in that.

And then it was time that things were wrapping up. Holy crap again! It had been 3.5hrs! All in all, there were about 20 people there (10 of which were relatives). I didn't expect so many people to show up at all! As the Boy said, "Guess people actually really like me" (or they just really like things baby related). It was awesome having the Boy there the whole time, even if he wasn't actively participating or spending time with many people.

I can't remember if it was that evening or the next day, but I sent E a message to let her know how greatly I appreciated her attending and how much it meant to me. She said she had a great time and loved it. She is a better woman than I because I know how hard and sucky showers are when you keep getting met with disappointment in your own baby-endeavors. On top of that, she has just started her period a few days earlier. Bless her heart, she has such a better outlook on things than I did at that point. I keep thinking about it, and when the time comes (hopefully soon), I think I will offer to throw E a shower...

So grand summation of the baby shower - Not bad and almost enjoyable, but makes me really glad I only had 1 big shower and not several of medium showers (like my 2w-behind me friend whose 4th shower is this afternoon). Sure, you'd get more things that way, but that is sooo not my cup or tea! I just enjoyed having all my family and friends there supporting us and being excited for us. It also kinda lit a fire under my bum to get things cranking away in preps for baby. We had started painting the nursery, but last weekend upped the gears a bit. As I type this, the room has 2 coats of the 2 primary colors, and I'm about to start on one of the accent stripes. Also, I've gone through some of the items we've received previously and sorted/organized them as well. We still have quite a ways to go... 7w should be plenty of time for that, right? Especially with Thanksgiving and Christmas tucked in there...

List of things left to do for nursery:
Buy/decorate baby dresser
Assemble crib once my parents drop it off
Get a chair of some sort
Hang new light fixture and curtains
Make previously said curtains
Wash and put away all baby clothes, etc
Organize all other baby items (diapers, bottles, etc)

For my next post, I think I'm going to show you guys all what things I've been keeping myself busy with these last few weeks/months (and how none of them are completed). Maybe I'll even have a pic or 2 of the nursery, painted at least. Not sure if I'll be able to get that up before Thursday, in which case I want to say "Happy Thanksgiving" to all of you in the US! Those of you not in the States or not celebrating Thanksgiving, I still invite you to stuff your faces full of delicious foods and lounge around as much as possible!

Random Run-down #3

Yikes! Has it really been practically 3 weeks since my last post? Somebody smack me around a bit and get my butt into gear here!

There hasn't been a whole lot to say about any one particular thing so I'll just do a quick rundown with some bullet points.

• Life is still a bit frazzled here. Lil sis has moved out, but my dad is still staying with us ~3d a week. That will soon be changing, as my parents are under contract to buy a house less than 10min away from us, but likely won't close or move until after Thanksgiving and into December.

• Holy moley, I'm 30w pregnant! Some how the 3rd trimester crept up on me... just over 2mo and hopefully, we'll be bringing home a baby. I've also started the every 2w appt at the Ob's office. I wonder if they'll be doing a growth scan and all these other things I hear other women talk about their practices doing?

• It's freaking getting cold! It is too early for lows in the 30's and frost/freeze warnings here! I shouldn't have to turn the heat on in October! The cooler temps have been nicer for sleeping though.

• Speaking of sleeping, I wish I could. I need to learn how to fall back to sleep anytime I wake up for a bit at night. Taking 20-30min to drift off again each time is getting old, fast.

• The baby shower the SIL is planning/throwing for me with help from my mom and lil sis is less than 2w away. Not sure how I'm feeling about it... I'm kinda starting to have to resign myself to people fussing over me... The following weekend is the shower for the friend who had the surprise pregnancy due 2w after me. It will be her 4th shower for this child. Does that seem absurd to anyone else?

• I've made it this far without any random stranger(s) touching me or the belly. It's only been in the last month or less that people in line places, etc seem to realize and comment on me being pregnant. Let's hope the hands-off continues for the next 70d or so.

• We have still not done a thing for the nursery. Actually, I take that back. We picked out the 2 main color swatches, not just color group. Glid.den's Fresh Guacamole and Beh.r's Pastel Jade. That is the extent of our progress. Someday we'll clean the room out, actually paint it, and maybe even put some furniture in there.

• The little tyke is a mover and a shaker. It's a bit surreal (and freaky) to watch my abdomen contort like it does. Thankfully, I have a polite fetus that doesn't wake me up at night with movement or kicks to the ribs (at least not yet). Now if only my hips would be as cooperative...

• We are 95% complete with the deck. It is all built and railings are up. Just need the slats put on the step-side rail and to finish staining it all. At least it is usable and such now. Maybe I'll take a pic of it and post soon, if I can talk myself into to doing so without the project being totally complete...

• We started childbirth classes 2 weeks ago at the hospital I'll hopefully be delivering at when the munchkin decides it's ready. It's an interesting collection of people in our class to say the least. I apparently have over-researched all this stuff, because I often feel like one of the few people there that seem to know what things are, what terms mean, and all. Oh, and there is 1 other couple out of the other dozen that are waiting to find out gender as well. Coincidentally, they are also C and C W. That just tickled me!

I can't think of much else to say just now. Life has just been moving on, day by day. I have discovered the wonder that is maternity leggings and husband shirts. Other than that, my animals have been stinkers and either peeing on the floor (evil male cat) or shredding whatever they can get their slobbery traps on (Mazzy, Cricket, I'm looking at you two here!).

I hope everyone else out in blog land is doing at least ok if not great. I'm still reading and rooting for you all! Take care and hold onto hope!

Random Run-down #2

I think I'm going to start doing these "Run-downs" periodically when lots of little things go on, but nothing worth a huge, full post on their own.

Monday - I felt a true, unmistakable, genuine baby movement after dinner. Since then, they've only gotten more noticeable. I can pinpoint the common times of day that the little bugger is most likely awake and practicing it's baby-fu (mid-morning and after dinner are the most active times). It's a pretty incredible feeling. Also, completely weird and mildly disturbing at the same time. It's crazy.

Tuesday - My youngest sister "moved in" and will be staying with us for a bit. She's relocating from the town she went to college in to this area and needed a temporary lay-over. Almost 1 week in and so far so good. We haven't had the best track record/experience with letting family (BIL) and friends stay with us, but here's hoping things continue to go well. Plus, she likes to cook and bake. Oh and totally loves the dogs (Hello! In-town pet sitter!).

Wednesday - found out from my mom that my dad was laid off from his job. He'd been with the company for 15yr. They needed to cut some expenditures and the more senior supervisor (not managers mind you) seemed to have taken the brunt of the pink slips. While that completely and totally sucks, it means he can find a new job (hopefully soon) that he likes better. My parents will be fine financially as he gets a week paid for each year he worked and all his stored up PTO. Their only real worry right now is health insurance. The only exciting bit from this all is that there may be a chance of them moving to this area as well!! I would be pretty stoked about that!

Thursday - Wellness appt for the pups! They are "prime" examples of happy, healthy pooches! "Great dogs." I've apparently done a great job with them as they are "so well behaved and look fantastic!" Our almost 6yr lab mix, Mazzy, has only the tiniest hits of tarter on her teeth and the only health problems they have are Cricket's joint issues and Mazzy's chronic ear infections. They are such great dogs that they "volunteered" to participate in a study at the Vet school. I felt kinda bad for them as it required vaginal swabs, but they were champs like always. I totally felt for them though.

Friday - Not so great work day. Was straight up lied to by the newest co-worker. I had to clean out a waterbath and scrub it because it was completely gross and smelly. Apparently, it was all clear the day before when she put our stuff in it. That and I've noticed how much time she spends talking without working, talks on her phone, does non-work related stuff on the computer (which we are "prohibited" from doing), and just all-around wasting time. She's pissing me off.

Saturday - The Boy finally was able to feel The Baby move/kick! Each time he's tried, it stops or he only notices my GI movement. His reaction was classic. Que eyebrow quirk, a smirk and a bit of a giggle/chuckle. I was practically in tears, I was so touched, and he's only mildly amused. Oh well. We went ot the $1.50 theater and saw Pir,ates of the Cari.bbean 4. Good movie. Plus, I stayed awake through it all, didn't have to leave to pee, and was comfortable in the theater without a jacket on.
We ended our evening with a pseudo-birthday grill out at a friend's house. It was great to see them all again. As they were Boy's friends that I inherited, he was in charge of telling them all. Oops. It was still a bit of a surprise to quite a number of them. the fact that I'm almost 18w was pretty much a surprise to everyone though!  The food was absolutely delicious! Chips and mango salsa. Veggies and dip. Cheese (with the mango salsa). Black bean and corn salad. Caprese soaking in balsamic. Grilled jerked chicken. Mac & cheese (by yours truly). Homemade Pina Colada ice cream! Pecan cinnamon swirls. All 3 of us thoroughly enjoyed it!

I'm not looking forward to my dental appt on Tuesday morning. I'll have to inform them I'm pregnant and answer the hygienist's barrage of questions. With instruments and a spit sucker in my mouth. I hope they don't yell at me for not flossing...

Then, Thursday is the big day. THE Anatomy Scan. With a perinatologist. I really hope all the baby's structures are just as they should be, and its little heart is perfect. I'm also hoping that the little one is modest and won't have all the "goods" in full display. We shall see. I can't wait!

A Rant to the Masses

I realized over this weekend the whole range of reasons why I've not really gone "public" about my pregnancy. There are definitely several different reasons, and some of them I know you ladies, PG or on your way there, would agree with wholeheartedly.

In the beginning, one of the main reasons was fear. I was afraid to tell people. I didn't want to put the word out and have to retract it all again in a week or two if things crashed this 2nd time around. It was fear and worry that I might somehow jinx it. I know that is absolutely ridiculous, but I probably would have done all sorts of "good luck" charms and positive incantations if it meant I'd be bringing home a real, live baby at the end. Now that I'm in the for-real 2nd trimester regardless of the website I check, the fear, while not completely gone, is greatly diminished. Several good scans, the constant heartbeat on the doppler, nothing at this moment is giving me any reason to think this shouldn't work out in the end. (Here's hoping!!) I'm starting to feel a bit more relaxed about things in general.

Second, it's not really my thing to be the center of attention or to call attention to myself. I don't like LOTS of fuss to be made over me. You tell anyone really good news and there is bound to be a big to-do about it. When that news involves babies - forget about it being a low-key thing! There are very few people that can just leave it at a "Congratulations!" Most want about 1,000 specific details about the when's, where's, who's and how's.  Not my style in the least.

But the biggest reason I've not been spreading the news like butter on toast? I don't want to talk about pregnancy, being pregnant, or babies everyday, all day. Crazy, I know, but it's not the only thing going on in my life right now. Sure, it is probably the most exciting, but there isn't much to update each and every week. Yup, still pregnant. Yup, still feeling sick. Nope, no real "baby bump" just yet. No, we haven't picked out names. I don't have any inklings about it being a boy or girl or purple, 3-eyed, tree slug.

Parents. Other family members. Friends. Anyone that I've told so far. If I spend any decent about of time around any of them, about 80% of the conversation is centered around my uterus and what will hopefully be coming out of it in January. I don't like talking about myself that much to begin with (see my Second up there). I REALLY don't like talking about my bodily functions and private parts with everyone and anyone. I'm alright with sharing this info and parts with the medical profession. It's expected and kinda required. I do not need to nor want to discuss these with people I actually know and see on a regular basis. And I can not forget about all the advice and suggestions and reliving of other people's pregnancies or their sister's husband's cousin's labor story!! Apparently, people think that being pregnant means you not only want to disclose every little thing your own body is doing, but you are just dying to hear about theirs and anyone elses! But at the same time, I can't seem to let them down or disappoint them, so I nod, listen, and reply with some tidbits. Just the usual, generic pregnancy info.

"Gee, my boobs ARE bigger. Thanks for noticing!"

"How crazy is it to think that the baby is the size of some random item from the produce section and moving around in my growing uterus!?"

"Excuse me. Pregnant lady going to the bathroom for the 4th time this afternoon." And to get away from people to have a few moments of peace and quiet. No fetus-talk. No belly rubbings. Just me, my thoughts, a bit of urine and some CM. It ain't pretty, but it's better company than the pregnancy-crazed masses that seem to surround me.


**ps- I haven't really been posting, but I've been keeping up with everyone I was following! I've been having commenting issues and a dying laptop issue to contend with, so I can't always comment or reply to the things I want to! Just know that I'm cheering for you all - be it for good news, that long-awaited BFP, or continued success in your own pregnancy (don't feel pressured to tell me what fruit your baby is this week though!).

Flying Under the Radar

Sorry for the radio silence this past while. I sorta dropped off the blogging radar, but was still commenting on others' posts. I haven't really known what to post about lately. There is only so much pregnancy talk that I can handle myself, and I don't want to post Pregnant after Pregnant after Pregnant.  Unfortunately, the rest of my life is pretty mundane and practically uneventful. I guess I could go into detail about  about the odd guy that came to the house and told the Boy that he's mow and weed our yard for $40. Except that is pretty much the whole story right there!

I've thought about it for the past several days and came up with this topic. It isn't so much about being pregnant as it is on how infertility has colored this pregnancy. It most definitely doesn't have me seeing thing through rose-colored glasses!

First things first, at 12.5w, I still haven't told any additional people than I had at 8w. However, I told both mothers that after a good NT scan (that was yesterday), I didn't feel I could hold them to their vows of silence any longer without immense guilt. So, not sure how much that is going to come back to bite me in the rear, but hopefully, they can share the news in a way that doesn't fully out me, especially publicly/globally on FB.

I'm still wearing all my normal clothes, but with increasing MacGyvering (hello twisty-ties!). I'm avoiding any and all even slightly fitted shirts and pretty much wear a jacket or sweater (or lab coat) all day to further disguise my slightly expanding waistline. Everyone is telling me to go buy maternity clothes- "you'd be so much more comfortable!" Except I wouldn't be, at least not mentally. I hate shopping to begin with, but to start buying things that would make things seem more real and absolute is terrifying. I'm not punishing myself with my wardrobe; I'm still relatively comfortable and not sausage squeezed into anything. But I don't feel I've earned stretchy panel pants just yet.

I feel really bad for my co-workers. With all my Dr appts I've scheduled and random sick days and half-days, they are starting to worry about my health. They don't seem fully relieved by my "They're just monitoring appts" answers anymore. And my new "love" of apple juice as a go-to beverage is weirding a few people out. I hate to make them worry about me, but I just can't bring myself to tell them the truth just yet. The half-day appt yesterday made things quite awkward for me to discuss. Apparently, "It went well. Things are good." is not a sufficient answer to "How was your appt? I hope you're alright" anymore. Thankfully, no one has pushed the envelope or called me out on anything just yet.

I'm not sure how much longer I can go keeping such a big (and growing) secret from 99% of the people I interact with on a regular basis. I wish there was a cloaking device for pregnancy...

Other then my fear of communications, things are good. The NT scan yesterday was incredible. I cried seeing fingers and toes, and how it wouldn't cooperate and hold still for even a second. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes again. It does still feel like a dream that there is a little life inside of me right now. It is starting to feel more like a waking dream though, one that might actually be real, and one that I'm all too happy to be having.

I hope this hasn't been too crazy "pregnant, pregnant, pregnant. Baby, baby , baby" for anyone. I haven't forgotten what it is like on the other side of the what seems like 100ft fence. I know that at any moment, I could find myself catapulted back over it. I try not to worry about it or obsess over it, because there is nothing I can about it except enjoy the ride, day by day. If I could those, I'd definitely throw as many life lines over that fence as my girl-throw would let me.

Random Run-down

I've been a bad, bad blogger and just about as poor a commenter. "I've been tired" just seems like a lame, cop-out excuse to me. So to catch everyone up on what's been going on my world (because on top of exhaustion, I actually did do some stuff!), I'm going to do a rambling, hopefully brief run-through of my life recently.

Both mothers have been hounding me about when they can tell every imaginable person about their soon-to-be newest grandchild. They still don't quite understand my hesitance but have respected my wishes to this point. I told them that I'll only hold them to secrecy until after the 12wk appt for the  nuchal scan and bloodwork. I don't plan on telling the rest of the world just yet, but I don't think it is fair to demand they contain their excitement until I feel ready. That may not be until there is a real, honest to goodness baby in my arms.

Towards the end of last week the nausea was subsiding, and in my jubilation, I treated myself to a McD's egg and cheese biscuit and hash browns on Friday. I've been wanted one for weeks, and it was delicious! Unfortunately, it ended in tragedy as I got to re-experience them a few hours later in the restroom stall at work, 20min before a meeting with my boss. So glad I told him prior. I could not mask my obvious "delicate state", at least not with my face drained of color and the random pauses in convo I had to make to settle myself. Half day of work for me thanks to my 1st puke of this pregnancy.

My little sister came into town Friday-Sunday and stayed with us. It was fun hanging with her and catching up on life. We carpooled to the Zoo on Sunday for our family trip on Father's day. It was tons of fun and the weather didn't get too miserable. The kids were too adorable to watch as they took in all the sights and animals. I took a few rounds on stroller duty and was told that I should get my practice in now. Hello! I've pushed strollers before, numerous times. Just because I'm pregnant now doesn't mean I forgot how to do so! All in all, a really good day spent with family and playing with toddlers.

I've been using my doppler nightly/every other night for a few minutes. Just long enough to find and enjoy the relaxing rhythm that reassures me that something is still kicking away in there!

I've officially tapered off the PIO. It was a nerve-wracking week and a half/2wks. My rear end couldn't be happier, but my toilet paper inspection has elevated to another level of insanity. Coincidentally, I have a 1/2 full vial and a 2nd full vial (given to me by PG-SIL) of PIO  along with countless syringes, needles and injection periphenalia that I have no clue what to do with at this point. As they've been opened and used, I know I can't donate them to the RE's clinic.

I also had a few infertile freak-out moments on Sunday while we were over at BIL/PG-SIL's house. As she is on maternity leave, not entirely enjoying her colicky daughter, she's been watching lots of TLC shows and the like (Freak-out#1 - Are you seriously complaining about your baby crying all the time and the only thing that soothes her is nursing? Just nurse her, even if you think she has "had enough to eat" for Kermit's sake!). This includes the Dug.gar's show on their umpteen children. The oldest son and his wife just found out they were expecting their 2nd on their daughter's 1st birthday (Freak-out#2 - Seriously!? PG again that soon?!). They told their family and friends at the birthday party a few days later (WTF!?!). THEN!! went on live television on the To.day show and announced it to the whole world. At 7w. SEVEN WEEKS!! I about lost my sh1t. I'm officially 11w today, and I haven't told anyone outside of my immediate family, 2 close couple friends, and my boss. That's it. I don't even know when I'll tell anyone else or if I'll even say anything. Maybe I can just wait until they ask why I look like I'm smuggling a beach ball around?

The other infertile moment I had Sunday was when B&SIL mentioned about what we have to look forward to in a few months. Me - "I hope so, assuming everything actually works out until then." No response from them. I'm not sure if they even realized that I'm not fully comfortable in my pregnancy, that I don't 100% believe that pregnancy = leaving the hospital with a baby. I'm not and I'm not sure when/if I'll be more confident that everything will work out perfectly.

Lastly, I registered for prenatal/birth education and yoga classes at the hospital. Yikes. The info the OB's office said to register for things in the 1st tri for your 3rd as classes fill up. The Type A planner in me had to stick to those guidelines. I don't want to miss my opportunity to take these classes and get the tour of the hospital and wards! It felt incredibly weird and terrifying, almost like I was tempting fate, when I hit that "submit" button.

So that wasn't really brief, but that's been Me for the last while. Now, I'm going to take my pre-bedtime nap.

The Reveal (#2)

Alright, I guess it is time to suck things up for a bit and fill everyone in on the news sharing weekend at my parents. I'm just a week late on it. Oh well. Here it is, from the beginning:

I was initially going to head up to my parent's house on Friday morning and just spend the day. This was before I was informed about the get-together the Boy was planning that same evening for my birthday. I had to reschedule with my mom, but she was happier about it because coming up on Sunday meant I was staying overnight and leaving Monday afternoon/early evening. And yes, it would just be me as the Boy had to work Sunday and Monday. It worked out better that I go alone because it meant he would be able to watch Cricket at home rather than us finding someone else to petsit.

Maz and I load up in my car and start the 1.5hr trek. I have my emergency kit of bags and paper towels and my little snack pack of nausea-abating foods. We survived the drive only down half a bottle of ginger ale, a couple packs of captain wafer crackers and 2 packs of sweettarts. Woohoo! Once all the dogs have settled down after the hellos and I've unloaded our things upstairs, Mom and I can finally spend some time catching up.

I bring in her "belated Mother's day" present and she hands me a birthday card. I practically had to beg her to open her gift for 20min before she did. She read the card, in which I had written "Keep your calendar open for January 2012. Love, Me, Boy, and baby." She was puzzled a bit until she saw "baby", looked at me and asked "Really?!". When I nodded, she tossed up the card and gave me a huge hug! Actually, several hugs. I had to prompt her to open the actual gift - 2 onesies with the u/s pic sandwiched between. One had a line of pointy teeth underneath "Little monster" (an inside joke/term of endearment for babies) and the other with a "Hi, my name is Trouble" badge on it. She loved them! When she went to show my dad, who had just woken up (works night shift), he kinda just nodded and gave a "that's nice dear" and "they're a bit small for you don't you think?" before shuffling away to have his coffee.


Two of my 3 sisters with kids in tow came over that evening for my belated birthday dinner, and my mom did the reveal the same as she did for my dad. My older sister was super stoked while my just younger sister seemed a bit unimpressed. My oldest nephew who is at the lovely age of 14 laughed saying I was going to get fat. My 2nd favorite reaction(s) came from my 3yo nephew and 2yo niece (younger sister's). They were told Aunt me was having a baby and just asked "where baby?" to which I replied "in my belly." Periodically that evening, they'd point to my stomach and shout "Baby!"

The majority of both days were spent playing with the little kids and all 3 dogs, talking with my sisters, and hanging with my parents. I'm not sure what it was, but both days the little kids were all about playing with me and even wanted me to sit with them at the kiddie table for dinner. There were a few "close calls" with the nausea, the worst being when my mom took me out to lunch on Sunday. I just couldn't finish my lunch after collecting myself in the ladies' room.

Overall, I think things were too busy to focus much on the nausea and fatigue when you have 3 large dogs, 3 kids under 4y, and about 8 adults buzzing all around you. Plus, there was food laying out almost all day on Monday for the Memorial day cookout we were having. Olives, sweet pickles, and broccoli smothered in onion dip hit the spot until the meal was served. I could really only stomach the potato salad, rolls, and pastrami/pepperoni in the pasta salad.

There was 1 really awkward part, though. After my dad had shaken his groggies, we were talking as he was finishing his 2nd cup of coffee. He muttered "Grandpa, huh..." a few times and then dropped his bombshell - "That means the 2 of ya'll had to have... Ewww!" While it was completely in jest, how do you respond to that!? I mean it is obvious that we had to have had some form of sexual contact for this to happen, but how do you admit that to your dad!? I don't remember what I answered with, but I know I stuttered and stumble over some response.

All in all, a nice, family-filled, busy 2 days. I could totally have used a day to recover from the entire birthday weekend before work on Tuesday, though. I sent the most recent u/s pics from Thursday to both parents, called the youngest sister (she's super excited!), tried to call my grandparents, and Boy called his other 2 brothers. Both moms are anxiously awaiting my permission for them to tell everyone and anyone about their newest grandchild on the way. I've given them them the green light to tell other family members (so I don't have to call the whole world), but I have forbidden any FB sharing. I know they are happy and excited, but I just can't stomach the thought of it being broadcast out on the internet for all to see. I'm scared to tell other friends and pretty much anyone other than immediate family at this point. Once it's out there, it can't be taken back. I am not strong enough to tell the world if anything unfortunate were to happen.

Birthday Blitz

It's been a great couple of days here. I can honestly say that this has been the best birthday! Happy 28th to me! Here's a quick recap:

Wednesday- a coworker brought in some homemade chocolate cheesecake for me and the lab to enjoy before I left on vacation leave. It was super tasty! I also received the official notice letter of my promotion and raise. A pretty awesome present if you ask me!

Thursday - While I didn't get to really sleep in, I got a sweet, early morning "happy birthday" from the Boy. Then, at 9:45a, we were off to my 1st ever pre-natal appt. My Ob office has an online portal that you can go to and fill out paperwork preemptively to your appt. I had done this, but not all my forms went through apparently After finishing those, I got to pee in a cup for a culture and whatever else they'll be doing with it. Then onto vital checks. My heart rate was normal, blood pressure was lower than usual at 90/54 (normally ~95-100/65-75). I lost a few pounds, but the nurse didn't seem concerned. Then, the nurse got through the history, etc and scheduling and payment/fees stuff. it was fun going over my symptoms with the nurse and the "what to/not to eats" and what I should and shouldn't do at this point.

I could have had another u/s for dating purposes, but I let it slip that I had the one on the 17th at the RE's. Guess I'm just going to have to wait for next weeks! Following all these formalities, I was dropped off at the lab for some blood draw. I LOVE the lab tech at the Ob's!! Every time I've been there, she has been nothing but attentive, kind, caring, and very personable and invested in the patients! This time was no different! She wished me a happy birthday and talked with me about her difficult and long road to her now 15mo son (while taking the required 8 vials of blood). She even gave me a hug before I left the draw room and wished me luck with this pregnancy.

I pretty much spend the rest of the day cleaning house a bit and napping. A great, low key birthday in my book.

Friday - Still didn't get to sleep in and a bit rougher morning, but ended up having lunch with a friend/former coworker who is visiting from out of town for the weekend. It was so nice out so we ate out on the patio of the restaurant. She asked how things have been going in the baby-making dept, and I couldn't lie when she straight out asked if I was pregnant. She was ecstatic for us! We caught up on her life, school, and her love-life. It was nice and again low-key.

After another nap, we started to get things ready for the cookout birthday get-together dinner. Not as many people as we thought were able to make it. It was primarily our friends that watched Cricket the other weekend, B/SIL, her son, and the new baby, and my friend E who I'm fertility mentoring. SIL was a baby-hog, according to the Boy, and didn't let anyone else hold the baby the whole time for one reason or another. We found out that our other friends are also expecting; she's a few weeks behind me. They knew when we picked up Cricket and that explains their odd, surprised reaction- she wanted to say "Me too!" but they weren't quite there yet. Of course, they weren't actually trying, but they weren't preventing either. It's great to have a friend close by to go through pregnancy with these next 7-8m.

E came a bit later and an awkward situation came up. BIL was taking with his step-son about his "new cousin" that will be coming soon. This is exactly what I was worried would happen when telling people. Not them telling other people; them accidentally letting things slip out. I did my best to try to non-nonchalantly get E to join me outside so we could talk. The last thing I wanted was for my news to be blurted out and possibly make her uncomfortable or hurt her. As soon as we were outside, she asked "Who is pregnant? Is it you?" Again, I can't lie when asked directly by people that know what we've been going through and actually care. She was very happy and excited. I'm hoping it was all genuine. I would hate for her to have to put on the fake happy for me. We chatted after everyone else left about how things were going with them. Her Dr gave her a Rx for clomid, and her husband agreed to do a SA if nothing happens this last "natural" cycle. I'm really hopeful that things happen for them super soon. I unfortunately had to send her home with the delicious smelling wine she brought us.

Also, my fantastic husband made, all on his own, his 1st ever cake just for my birthday. It was absolutely delicious!! Great job, babe!

A far too pregnancy-centric post

Happy belated ICLW! I've been a very bad blogger/commenter this go round. There has definitely been a lot going on here, but that really shouldn't be an excuse!

*************

What a whirlwind weekend it was! The reveal to his parents was great! Telling his grandma was good. On a trip to hit the beach for a bit with the PG-friend, filled her in about it. Grandma spilled the beans before we could when his sister and niece came over later on Sunday. PG-SIL and BIL were in disbelief and then excited. The friends watching our Cricket patient for the weekend were surprised, shocked, but happy. Things were good. There were several people that know that we hadn't planned on telling, but thanks to family members, the word was out.

It does seem like the theme for reactions was shock and disbelief at first! Good to know we weren't the only ones dumb-founded! There was far more pregnancy talk than I had expected with the family. I'm not sure why, but I didn't think it would monopolize the conversations all weekend. I guess women that have had kids/been pregnant really like to get all the details about other's pregnancies and symptoms and fill them in on theirs?

Speaking of symptoms, the main ones I'm having are bloating (the jeans have already been unbuttoned!), extreme fatigue to the point that a fell asleep in-the-middle of a conversation, and full-on morning-noon-night sickness. I try not to complain about that one, but it is really hard when nothing makes you feel better and you're at the verge of throwing up, but just not quite there. My foods of choice that don't having me wanting to hurl are the less desirable food groups - fried, greasy, cheesy, salty. I'm sustaining on tacos, enchiladas, tortilla chips, McD hashbrowns, apple juice and attempts with ginger ale.

I have tried all the "tricks" that people have told me - eat before getting out of bed, saltines, ginger ale, always have something on your stomach, protein, starches, what meds to take and when- but all to no real improvement. I don't think it is bad enough to the point to need a Rx for something (yet). I'm just looking for some simple things that can help ease it. I have been informed about a few items that I think are worth checking out - Queasy/Preg drops, sour candies, and pedialyte. Any of you ladies out there have any other good suggestions?!? I'll be asking my Ob about it at my appt on Thursday. I have no problem if I just have to deal with it, but would love it if there was something to ease it a bit. I'm not looking to completely cure it or prevent it, just to bring it down a few notches.

Because I've been feeling so ill, and it is obviously starting to impact my job a bit, I came clean to my boss as well. I didn't want anyone thinking that I'm slacking off when I disappear for stretches of time or just sit at my desk sipping juice or when I come in late or leave early. He was very happy for us, asked if I've told anyone else in the lab (I haven't) and kinda gave me some pointers about what I should and shouldn't do in the lab (which I already knew). He did have to break some confidentiality and fill me in that one of the lab members has Hep B, but he did it with the best intentions. He knows I'd be the 1st person there helping if they got sick or hurt, and he didn't want me to expose "us" to the hazard. He also recommended I give the other PI in the lab a heads up about my delays and breaks, not to tell her I'm pregnant (unless I want to, which I don't) but just to let her know for time/record keeping purposes that I have stuff going on "medically" as he put it.

In other exciting and happy news- I'm an aunt again for the 13th time. PG-SIL went into labor just hours after we left their place on Sunday night, 2 days over her due date. She had feared having to do another cesearian but had given up that the baby was going to decide to come on her own. Surprise! After visiting the 3 of them yesterday evening, her "daydream" of giving birth naturally wasn't quite the glamorous  experience she thought it would be. Apparently, contractions can be really painful, labor can be extremely exhausting, and there is lots of bodily fluids involved. Who knew?!? But everyone is doing well, is healthy, happy, and very tired.

Now, I'm just eagerly awaiting my appt on Thursday and the dinner/get together that the Boy is planning to celebrate my birthday (on Friday, the day after). An then on to telling my family this coming weekend. I need to figure out how we'll be cluing them in!

The Reveal (#1)

Things were a bit crazy yesterday, and I didn't have a chance to do anything computer related (read, comment, etc) until this morning, since yesterday morning.Thank you all again so much for the fantastic and touching comments! I appreciate all you ladies greatly!

After an uneventful, nice, easy drive to the coast, we arrived at the IL's house around 8:30pm. We unload our bags and the dog, set up in the guest room and then settle down to do the hellos and to catch up.

When they asked how things were going with us, we replied good and told them about my promotion and all. They were really happy and excited about that. Then, it was time to move onto the big news!

"We decided to get you guys a belated Mother's day gift and an early Father's day gift. We hope you like it."

MIL takes out the card and starts to read it. Yada, yada, yada... "2 grandbabies? Wait, what?"

I sit down on the ottoman in front of her and pull out the u/s print out with our little white glob of a baby.

"Oh wow! Oh, boy! How far along are you? When's the baby due? Congratulations!" I almost started crying with happiness. The reaction from her just reading the card was more than I could have hoped for! They hadn't even thought to pull the gifts out of the bag after reading the card for a while. They loved the bibs and informed me that they had never received a gift for someone-else's baby. We are nowhere near a first for anything else grandchild related (#10 - 5 boys, 4 girls, 1 unknown(; ) so it was nice to be able to do something for them that they'd never had before.

MIL asked if she could tell anyone. We want to be the ones to tell immediate family, but she can tell her neighbors and women at church if she'd like, I guess. We told Grandma this morning as we was in bed when we arrived last night. She is very excited about it and keeps telling MIL and FIL about the new grandbaby and asking how many great-grandbabies this makes for her. Later today, we plan to tell our good friends and his sister that also live in town.

Between telling people and the strengthening all-day sickness*, it is starting to feel more real. Plus, I slept through the whole night last night so I have a bit more energy today than I've had most of this week.

Now, to prepare for my appt (and birthday) next Thursday and telling my side of the family next weekend...



*It's a love/hate relationship right now. I love that I have it, but it is reassuring that things are still going on in there, that there is high levels of hCG coursing wildly through my veins. I would rather it not be ALL.DAY.LONG. I haven't had difficulty with things "returning", but my body doesn't seem to enjoy healthy foods as much as it does things like McD's hasbrowns, tacos, enchiladas, pizza, and bacon.

Movin' on Up

So the promotion my boss put me up for has been approved. It finally made it through all the loops and hurdles, from the bottom to the top. My boss really outdid himself in getting things through all the right channels and saying the right things to keep it moving along.

I'm officially a Research Associate now.

There was a little bit of a pay raise he threw in there as well. That took even more cajoling. I was really surprised that he was able to pull that part off as the State is currently on a pay freeze/raise freeze. That part will take effect in June.

*******

Tomorrow after work, we'll be heading down to the coast to visit the Boy's folks and some friends. Today, we picked up a "I love my Grandma"  and "I love my Grandpa" bibs. I wrapped them up with a card in a gift bag. The card reads " Don't forget to stop and smell the flowers" on the front. On the inside, I wrote "Things look like they are going to get pretty busy with 2 grandbabies on the way!  Love C, C and Baby W (arriving ~1/11/12)."

I can't wait to tell them and see their reactions. I had a brief convo with my MIL on the phone the other day to make sure that we were still ok to come down. She asked how things were "going" and I had to fib a bit. I didn't want to just tell her over the phone on lunch when we'd be down there in a few days. I hope she can forgive my little lies and omissions!

I can't wait to tell our friends down there as well. The lady friend told me very early on about her pregnancy (just before I found out about that 1st +hpt) and has asked about things and checked in on us periodically these last few months. She responded beautifully when I told her about the miscarriage and everything else.

Maybe telling others close to us, with them expressing their joy and happiness, will allow me to do the same?

All choked up!

I am so moved and awe-struck to hear that my NIAW FB postings have inspired others to do similar! I am truly touched to have had such an impact on others and I hope that you are all rewarded with the same for your honesty and effort to spread awareness and education. I wish you all find the support and understanding of those close to you (and possibly even almost strangers - we all have those people as "friends")!

I'm only 2 status posts in to my NIAW schedule, but I already feel like I've accomplished my goal. I was able to let one person know that they aren't alone in this. That there is support and hope out there waiting for them. Other than that friend contacting me, the response has been fairly subdued. My mom likes and comments. A few friends do the same. Women that I'm FB friends from a TTC forum have shared and reposted the links.

It's not a huge wave, but even the littlest ripples can affect the whole pond. I'm making a difference. I'm awe-inspired by myself right now. If you had asked me even 6m ago if I thought I'd be posting IF stuff on FB and letting people know some of those personal details about our journey, after scoffing about dealing with infertility, I would have pulled back immediately and retorted with a "Yeah, Right!" or "I would never!" Yet here I am, sharing with all 127 Friends on FB that IF is real, it's difficult and overwhelming, but there is hope and support and friendship waiting for you to just reach out your hand to take it. I. AM. making a difference!

I'll be posting my Busted up Myth on Wednesday. Until then, I'll probably be chronicling my FB posts and the comments and reactions I receive. I haven't forgotten the Blog awards that some of you fine ladies have bestowed upon me! That's probably for tomorrow's post.

One last thing in closing here, which also related to the title - I have a rather familiar queasy pressure at the back of my throat today, lightheaded along with a bit of dizziness. My boobs are sore and achy, and I won't even mention my nip sensations... I'm 7dpo. I'm scared to read into these, given that my temp dropped from ~98.6F to 98.2F this morning. Maybe my homemade chicken stir-fry isn't agreeing with me?