Mother's Day...

I don't know how I feel about it this year...

This morning on the radio, driving in the parking deck at work, a commercial almost had me sobbing behind the wheel. One of the local fertility clinics runs commercials, more frequently it seems, surrounding family-themed holidays. Currently, this one is about wanting to change your name. To "Mom." In that instance, all the pain and longing I felt while TTC and dealing with IF came flooding back. At the same time, I was overcome with sadness for those still feeling those same emotions everyday. And how beyond blessed I am to be able to have that title now, myself.

I'm overjoyed that I'm actually* a Mother for it this year. But maybe I have my expectations of how significant this day actually is too high. Maybe, like my views on Valentine's, it's just a commercially over-rated day to celebrate something that should be celebrated everyday. All I know is that I'm expecting this May 13th to be unlike any I've ever had.


That being said, I don't feel that this upcoming holiday only belongs to maternal parental units. I truly feel that one becomes a mother when they accept a child into their heart. It has nothing to do with pushing one out your wazoo. The moment you decide to share your life with a child, you are a Mom. To some, this may happen at the child's birth. Some, when they get that gender or 1st ultrasound. Others at that 2nd line. And I think for most reading this post, it happened the instant you decided to TTC.

It may be almost a week early, but I want to wish all you women a happy Mother's day. You are a wonderful mother to you child, be it in your arms, belly, heart or dreams.


*As defined by other people.

I had a dream

I'm not sure if it's all the various vitamins or the fact that I'm jacking my hormones around, but I've had super surreal, vivid, and bizarre dreams frequently the last 3-4mo. Surprisingly, only a few of them have been pregnancy or baby related. Normally, I can't remember anything but small tid-bits of my dreams and only if I focus on those details directly after waking up. The intensity of these recent dreams kinda make me a bit apprehensive about what my dreams will be like when I am pregnant.

One of last night's dream left me with a deep sadness when I awoke this morning. The other has me thinking I'm losing my marbles. The first dream I remember from last night focused on me as a boy in elementary school in the cafeteria. They didn't have the chicken Parmesan with spaghetti noodles, just shells for some reason. I complained and had them put my chicken on a pile of mac & cheese and give me the special butterscotch bread for dessert. Totally bizarro. I sat down with another boy that I had meet earlier in the day. We had a food swap at the table with some other kids and something crazy about a magician or fairy. The last bit is a blur because my loving husband woke me to kiss me goodbye as he was leaving for work. I almost immediately fell back to sleep and started the 2nd dream.

This dream started out with us on our way to the hospital. There, I gave birth to the most beautiful baby boy. Our baby boy. We didn't have a name for him, but he was our sweet little boy. We were able to take him home, still unnamed. The remainder of the dream just centered around my feelings for him and nursing and holding him. He was perfect. He would just look and stare at me, never cried, and slept like an angel. There were other people in the dream, but they were merely background characters, shadows in the soft, dim lighting of my subconscious. I woke up and my little baby boy wasn't with me any more. I tried to fall back into that wonderful dream, but only just slept.

I wonder to myself if this was the baby I had lost the other week; if this was a glimpse of what my life could have been like 8mo from now? I felt whole, complete and content. My whole world was that small little human being. I feel a bit empty now, like I'm missing a part of me this morning. And yet, I feel a bit more at peace with things, a bit more hopeful. I am sad to not be able to still hold that little boy, but the feelings and sensations of my dream have left me eager to experience them in my waking life. I can not wait to be so caught up in the calm and emotions of holding my child, sleepily nursing in the quiet dark of night. I can not wait to have my heart bursting with love for something so pure and simple. Be it a boy or a girl.