Here I am, practically 11m out from being "cured" of my IF with the glorious birth of my baby girl.
And yet, why does a pregnancy announcement still gut me?
Truth be told, it's not just a PG announcement, but a "surprise pregnancy/oopsie" announcement.
I found out on Friday from a friend/co-worker that the co-worker that irritates the daylights out of me on a regular basis had posted on FB that she was expecting a baby boy.
If we rewind to about 1.5-2m ago, I had suspicions that she was pregnant based off behavior and belly shape. I went to check out her FB page as we were friends on there. Or so I thought. De-friended. Oh well, and I shoved it to the back of my mind. Fast forward to a few weeks ago, and I was practically positive she was due to behavior, belly shape, and wardrobe choices. Hubs convinced me that I'm just trying to see babies where there aren't any as I'm "baby-crazy". Besides, Not but a few months before when she was complaining that her BF hadn't popped the question and they'd been together for X yrs, she explicitly stated that she wants kids with him, but much much farther down the line.
Guess that line was much shorter than she thought.
It was also relayed to me that she didn't know she was pregnant until she was about 3m along. How in the World?!?! I thought she was pregnant at that point; how come she was just finding out then? And shockingly, that timing coincided well with them getting engaged.
How on earth is it fair for her to get pregnant on super accident and then to skip out on teh the worry, anxiety and fear of the 1st trimester?
I tried to be the bigger person and sent her a message over the weekend to congratulate them with no response. Monday morning, I sent her a health and safety form that needed to be filled out updating her "status" that really should have been done around the 12-16w mark, not at 5m along. From that stand point though, she really should have told me sooner. If you've told other people in the lab (students, etc), then maybe it would be behoove you to also inform the lab/safety manager so that things can be put into process and your unborn fetus can be protected from potential hazards that you may not be aware of in a laboratory setting?
I tried to suck it all up yesterday and be nice, polite and attempt interactivity. This morning, I knew that was going to be a failure. I couldn't stand being around her and her blase attitude regarding something so many people would give anything to have. I was blinking back tears every time I saw her and her no longer concealed bulging belly.
Each time, it was as if all the fear and hurt and anger from loss and IF came slamming back to me. I kept feeling on the verge of breaking down. I had to do something about it, so I had a little "chat" with her supervisor/my co-worker. I had to fill her in that we went through a lot to have Emma and as such, being around her the last 2 days of it being "official", I just am not handling it well. When it was just my hunch and all, I could just play it off as "She's just fatter now" or that I was seeing things like the Boy said. But with it being really real, I just can't deal with her at the moment. I hated having to have that talk. I had hoped that I could be really professional about it and just bite it back, but alas, IF wins again. Thankfully, she understood and is going to help as best she can to minimize our interactions for a while.
It was still awkward, but at least I wasn't in tears the rest of the day. I hate this so much. I wish there was a cure for IF and the damage it does was easily repaired...
Showing posts with label Infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Infertility. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Friday, May 18, 2012
Father's Day can Suck for Men, too.
I generally don't do this, but I just had to write this post. It was prompted by an email I received completely out of the blue.
This is a part of the ALI community that is seldom heard from, because they have to be "strong." One particular statement got to me and made me feel a bit sad that the Boy felt he had to remain strong and support me through the miscarriage. I don't truly know if he wanted to grieve, but felt like he couldn't.
They are trying to raise funding to publish and promote this book on their own as major publishers "mentioned that this is an honorable book, but men typically do not buy these types of books. Basically, they were saying that this book couldn’t be profitable enough for them to invest in it."
I'm sure I'm not the only one that disagrees with this and feel it just another barrier that the rest of the world puts up to prevent IF and loss from receiving the attention and support that other medical conditions do as it is "uncomfortable." I would have loved to have been able to purchase this book for Hubs after our loss. My heart breaks to know that a book like this does need to and actually does exist and that the authors had to suffer such tragic losses (after IF) themselves. It helps though to know that I can take part in making this resource available for others that undeserving find themselves in that position and situations.
I would really appreciate it if you would take just a few moments to go to the site and read about the project as well as contribute to it, either financially or with your own story.
This is a part of the ALI community that is seldom heard from, because they have to be "strong." One particular statement got to me and made me feel a bit sad that the Boy felt he had to remain strong and support me through the miscarriage. I don't truly know if he wanted to grieve, but felt like he couldn't.
"During this time, I discovered that these “silent grievers” actually
hungered to share their stories, to speak their children’s names aloud and
describe what had happened."
hungered to share their stories, to speak their children’s names aloud and
describe what had happened."
They are trying to raise funding to publish and promote this book on their own as major publishers "mentioned that this is an honorable book, but men typically do not buy these types of books. Basically, they were saying that this book couldn’t be profitable enough for them to invest in it."
I'm sure I'm not the only one that disagrees with this and feel it just another barrier that the rest of the world puts up to prevent IF and loss from receiving the attention and support that other medical conditions do as it is "uncomfortable." I would have loved to have been able to purchase this book for Hubs after our loss. My heart breaks to know that a book like this does need to and actually does exist and that the authors had to suffer such tragic losses (after IF) themselves. It helps though to know that I can take part in making this resource available for others that undeserving find themselves in that position and situations.
I would really appreciate it if you would take just a few moments to go to the site and read about the project as well as contribute to it, either financially or with your own story.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Mother's Day...
I don't know how I feel about it this year...
This morning on the radio, driving in the parking deck at work, a commercial almost had me sobbing behind the wheel. One of the local fertility clinics runs commercials, more frequently it seems, surrounding family-themed holidays. Currently, this one is about wanting to change your name. To "Mom." In that instance, all the pain and longing I felt while TTC and dealing with IF came flooding back. At the same time, I was overcome with sadness for those still feeling those same emotions everyday. And how beyond blessed I am to be able to have that title now, myself.
I'm overjoyed that I'm actually* a Mother for it this year. But maybe I have my expectations of how significant this day actually is too high. Maybe, like my views on Valentine's, it's just a commercially over-rated day to celebrate something that should be celebrated everyday. All I know is that I'm expecting this May 13th to be unlike any I've ever had.
That being said, I don't feel that this upcoming holiday only belongs to maternal parental units. I truly feel that one becomes a mother when they accept a child into their heart. It has nothing to do with pushing one out your wazoo. The moment you decide to share your life with a child, you are a Mom. To some, this may happen at the child's birth. Some, when they get that gender or 1st ultrasound. Others at that 2nd line. And I think for most reading this post, it happened the instant you decided to TTC.
It may be almost a week early, but I want to wish all you women a happy Mother's day. You are a wonderful mother to you child, be it in your arms, belly, heart or dreams.
*As defined by other people.
This morning on the radio, driving in the parking deck at work, a commercial almost had me sobbing behind the wheel. One of the local fertility clinics runs commercials, more frequently it seems, surrounding family-themed holidays. Currently, this one is about wanting to change your name. To "Mom." In that instance, all the pain and longing I felt while TTC and dealing with IF came flooding back. At the same time, I was overcome with sadness for those still feeling those same emotions everyday. And how beyond blessed I am to be able to have that title now, myself.
I'm overjoyed that I'm actually* a Mother for it this year. But maybe I have my expectations of how significant this day actually is too high. Maybe, like my views on Valentine's, it's just a commercially over-rated day to celebrate something that should be celebrated everyday. All I know is that I'm expecting this May 13th to be unlike any I've ever had.
That being said, I don't feel that this upcoming holiday only belongs to maternal parental units. I truly feel that one becomes a mother when they accept a child into their heart. It has nothing to do with pushing one out your wazoo. The moment you decide to share your life with a child, you are a Mom. To some, this may happen at the child's birth. Some, when they get that gender or 1st ultrasound. Others at that 2nd line. And I think for most reading this post, it happened the instant you decided to TTC.
It may be almost a week early, but I want to wish all you women a happy Mother's day. You are a wonderful mother to you child, be it in your arms, belly, heart or dreams.
*As defined by other people.
Monday, February 20, 2012
The Cruelty of Infertility
I just read 2 posts that just completely broke my heart (1 by Courtney @ Bodega Bliss and 1 by Elphie @ Alice in Diaperland, formerly Yolk).
Mo of Mommy Odyssey had her water break at 22w. She is being monitored in the hope that it will replenish, otherwise her little boy is likely not ot make it.
She has gone through so much to get a viable pregnancy and even with her current. How can life be so cruel as to have someone go through RPL, loss of a tube, and everything else she's had to endure, then give her so much hope and joy only to rip it from her?
I don't even know what else to say... Please, go and give her some love and support as her, Shmerson and their little Shmaby deal with this unfortunate turn of events. And if you happen to be one of the lucky ones, like I am, hold your child close and appreciate them for the miracles they are.
Mo of Mommy Odyssey had her water break at 22w. She is being monitored in the hope that it will replenish, otherwise her little boy is likely not ot make it.
She has gone through so much to get a viable pregnancy and even with her current. How can life be so cruel as to have someone go through RPL, loss of a tube, and everything else she's had to endure, then give her so much hope and joy only to rip it from her?
I don't even know what else to say... Please, go and give her some love and support as her, Shmerson and their little Shmaby deal with this unfortunate turn of events. And if you happen to be one of the lucky ones, like I am, hold your child close and appreciate them for the miracles they are.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Another less than Super Sunday
There wasn't anything wrong with the actual day. I wasn't disappointed by the game as I didn't care if the Pats or the Giants won. All in all, it was a really average day.
But the daggers of IF struck again. I've already been dealing with the anniversary of the miscarriage this week. The last thing I wanted was to deal with a pregnancy announcement. But guess what?
My SIL, the one that was previously referred to as PG-SIL and threw the shower for me, is 7 or 8w pregnant. They have their 1st ultrasound for this pregnancy on Valentine's day. They were planning on telling us while we were over to watch the Big Game last night, but I happened to see "Ultrasound" written on their calendar.
I'm happy for them and glad it only took them the 2 treatment cycles of Clomid this time (although I don't think the clomid is specifically needed in their case as she ovulates fine and only seems to need a bit of progesterone support). But I didn't want to find out about it this week! The previous week would have been perfectly OK; next week would have worked, too. I just wanted to cry the rest of the evening.
WTF, Infertility!? It's been a year, and yet, the emotions seem just as strong and raw as they were then. Should they have lessened drastically by now, given time and the fact that I now have a beautiful, little daughter? Why does every pregnancy announcement still hurt? Why do I get angry and resentful when I hear people talk about how easy it was for them or how quickly it happened?
Thanks, Infertility and Loss for embittering me to happy news like this and for not letting me fully move on from it all...
But the daggers of IF struck again. I've already been dealing with the anniversary of the miscarriage this week. The last thing I wanted was to deal with a pregnancy announcement. But guess what?
My SIL, the one that was previously referred to as PG-SIL and threw the shower for me, is 7 or 8w pregnant. They have their 1st ultrasound for this pregnancy on Valentine's day. They were planning on telling us while we were over to watch the Big Game last night, but I happened to see "Ultrasound" written on their calendar.
I'm happy for them and glad it only took them the 2 treatment cycles of Clomid this time (although I don't think the clomid is specifically needed in their case as she ovulates fine and only seems to need a bit of progesterone support). But I didn't want to find out about it this week! The previous week would have been perfectly OK; next week would have worked, too. I just wanted to cry the rest of the evening.
WTF, Infertility!? It's been a year, and yet, the emotions seem just as strong and raw as they were then. Should they have lessened drastically by now, given time and the fact that I now have a beautiful, little daughter? Why does every pregnancy announcement still hurt? Why do I get angry and resentful when I hear people talk about how easy it was for them or how quickly it happened?
Thanks, Infertility and Loss for embittering me to happy news like this and for not letting me fully move on from it all...
Saturday, February 4, 2012
This time last year...
This time last year was so starkly different from this time this year.
This time last year, I was miscarrying my 1st ever and highly improbable pregnancy. My heart was heavy and hurting, but I was coming to terms with it and starting the healing process. I didn't know if it was possible for us to conceive again. I was feeling a bit worn down with the whole TTC ordeal. Almost thinking that it was pointless and if all the trouble and disappointment was even worth it.
This year, I know it all was worth it and then some. While I haven't forgotten the loss and heartache of last year, having Emma here this year makes it easier to bear. I now know that all the medications, appts, negative pregnancy tests, and everything has paid off, in spades. This year, I am not living in my pj's, swollen and puffy eyes, and dulling the pain with alcohol. This year, I'm living in my pj's, dark circles under my eyes, and joy in my heart. And today, while writing this post up, I was treated to the wonder of Emma's 1st intentional smile at me. In that instance, all the grief and hardship of TTC and loss melted away (at least for a while).
This year, I'm happy.
This time last year, I was miscarrying my 1st ever and highly improbable pregnancy. My heart was heavy and hurting, but I was coming to terms with it and starting the healing process. I didn't know if it was possible for us to conceive again. I was feeling a bit worn down with the whole TTC ordeal. Almost thinking that it was pointless and if all the trouble and disappointment was even worth it.
This year, I know it all was worth it and then some. While I haven't forgotten the loss and heartache of last year, having Emma here this year makes it easier to bear. I now know that all the medications, appts, negative pregnancy tests, and everything has paid off, in spades. This year, I am not living in my pj's, swollen and puffy eyes, and dulling the pain with alcohol. This year, I'm living in my pj's, dark circles under my eyes, and joy in my heart. And today, while writing this post up, I was treated to the wonder of Emma's 1st intentional smile at me. In that instance, all the grief and hardship of TTC and loss melted away (at least for a while).
This year, I'm happy.
Friday, December 23, 2011
Paging Dr. WTF!
I wonder if doctors have to take etiquette classes in med school. From my experience, I doubt it. It definitely needs to be a requirement though. Special session: Infertile Etiquette.
Yesterday, during my routine (and now weekly) Ob check-up, after the Q&A session and hearing the heartbeat, the Doc checks my fundal height. Out of the blue, "Excuse me a moment" and out the door he goes. I can hear him talking with a nurse out in the hall for several minutes. He re-enters. Without any apology or explanation- "Will you be around tomorrow? I'd like to schedule you for an ultrasound."
The panic alarm goes off in my brain. I don't think anything is really wrong, but I always go to the worse case scenario in my head. The fact that this just came out of left field caught me off guard as well. The last thing a Dr should do is make a pregnant lady worry about the health of her baby. It should never be done to someone who has gone through infertility.
Apparently, I'm measuring small for date. I've been so pretty much the whole time. It seems like the last few weeks it has been drastic enough for them to be concerned that their may be some growth restriction or something else possibly going on with baby. He even said "We don't want to be surprised and caught unprepared for a 4-4.5lb baby." Do they always have to bring on the bad options and save the only good option for last? "It could just be that everything is fine, and you are just smaller."
I was never expecting a big baby. Heck, I wasn't even 6lbs at birth. My mom's biggest baby was 6.5lbs. The boy was an 8 pounder, but he's not a very large guy. I've always been small and petite. I would be astounded if baby was to be >8lbs!
Why couldn't the Dr just say "It's most likely that you're measuring small because you and your husband are smaller people, but just to make sure that there isn't anything more serious going on, I'd like to get you in for an ultrasound in the next few days."? Would that be so difficult?
In the end, baby is measuring fine. A bit smaller at 36w4d rather than 37w3d, but in the 37th percentile off measurements. The u/s tech said baby is probably about 6-6.5lbs (ish) and my fluid levels are good. "I know he just wanted to make sure, but I'm not surprised that everything is fine. You're not very big yourself. It should be nice not to deliver a 9lb baby though!" The techs always amaze me. They can so easily find what they are looking for in there. I could barely tell what was what this time as it was all jumbled and squashed up together.
Long story short: Dr. made a "could go into labor any day now" infertile pregnant lady thing something might have gone wrong since the last u/s at 24w. I seriously kept going back to the thought that I've made it all this way for something to go wrong at the end?All it would have taken to prevent that is a change in wording!
At least now we have some small peace of mind over the holidays that things are good. Baby and I are healthy and doing well. Hopefully, the trend continues onto delivery and well beyond...
Yesterday, during my routine (and now weekly) Ob check-up, after the Q&A session and hearing the heartbeat, the Doc checks my fundal height. Out of the blue, "Excuse me a moment" and out the door he goes. I can hear him talking with a nurse out in the hall for several minutes. He re-enters. Without any apology or explanation- "Will you be around tomorrow? I'd like to schedule you for an ultrasound."
The panic alarm goes off in my brain. I don't think anything is really wrong, but I always go to the worse case scenario in my head. The fact that this just came out of left field caught me off guard as well. The last thing a Dr should do is make a pregnant lady worry about the health of her baby. It should never be done to someone who has gone through infertility.
Apparently, I'm measuring small for date. I've been so pretty much the whole time. It seems like the last few weeks it has been drastic enough for them to be concerned that their may be some growth restriction or something else possibly going on with baby. He even said "We don't want to be surprised and caught unprepared for a 4-4.5lb baby." Do they always have to bring on the bad options and save the only good option for last? "It could just be that everything is fine, and you are just smaller."
I was never expecting a big baby. Heck, I wasn't even 6lbs at birth. My mom's biggest baby was 6.5lbs. The boy was an 8 pounder, but he's not a very large guy. I've always been small and petite. I would be astounded if baby was to be >8lbs!
Why couldn't the Dr just say "It's most likely that you're measuring small because you and your husband are smaller people, but just to make sure that there isn't anything more serious going on, I'd like to get you in for an ultrasound in the next few days."? Would that be so difficult?
In the end, baby is measuring fine. A bit smaller at 36w4d rather than 37w3d, but in the 37th percentile off measurements. The u/s tech said baby is probably about 6-6.5lbs (ish) and my fluid levels are good. "I know he just wanted to make sure, but I'm not surprised that everything is fine. You're not very big yourself. It should be nice not to deliver a 9lb baby though!" The techs always amaze me. They can so easily find what they are looking for in there. I could barely tell what was what this time as it was all jumbled and squashed up together.
Long story short: Dr. made a "could go into labor any day now" infertile pregnant lady thing something might have gone wrong since the last u/s at 24w. I seriously kept going back to the thought that I've made it all this way for something to go wrong at the end?All it would have taken to prevent that is a change in wording!
At least now we have some small peace of mind over the holidays that things are good. Baby and I are healthy and doing well. Hopefully, the trend continues onto delivery and well beyond...
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Pre-shower Thoughts
(Hey! A post 2 weeks in a row!)
So...
Yeah...
Tomorrow is the big day.
MY baby shower.
That just sounds so odd and crazy. Surreal and unreal. But that's what my Goo.gle calendar says and the little invitation on my cluttered "desk" in the kitchen leads me to believe. My mom and dad are on their way down here to spend today and tomorrow with us. According to my previously-PG SIL, 20 people have RSVP'd.
TWENTY. TWO. ZERO.
That seems like a ton of people to me! Sure 10 of them are just our family, but still... I guess people actually like me. That or they just like free food and talking babies. I think it's a coin toss there. We have already received a few gifts by mail for those that are unable to attend due to distance. It's kinda scary how much baby stuff is in our house right now and how much will be here by the end of tomorrow.
So I really want to explore my thoughts and feelings pre-shower and then compare them with post-shower. I feel very strange about it all. I'm a bit more apprehensive than I think most moms-to-be are about it. I hate being the center of attention and having a huge fuss and deal made over me. I don't know how comfortable I'll be talking about my pregnancy and baby plans etc with people. I'm far more relaxed to talk about our infertility than our current success for some odd reason. There's also the fact that practically everyone has advice and recommendations about these last few weeks and beyond. While I appreciate that they are trying to "help", I'm just taking things as they come. We don't so much have a plan as we have "preferences" (thanks to our birth class teach for that term!). Our journey this far has taught me that nothing is predictable, and you really can't plan life. It does what it wants for the most part and you just have to roll with the punches.
Also, I'm worried that lots of people are going to try to be touching my belly at the shower. This totally weirds me out, big time! I love touching my belly. I love the Boy touching it. I'm awkward with our parents touching it. I haven't had anyone else try to touch it, so I don't know how I'll respond. I really don't want to punch someone when/if they try to rub it. I think that would make me a horrible honoree.
The Boy keeps telling me just to think of it as we'll be getting lots of free stuff from people. True, but I feel odd when people give and buy things just for me. I keep trying to think of it more as them doing that for Baby and not me, which helps some. It is still weird for me to think that people are buying stuff and getting all excited for this giant lump in (on?) my abdomen. Plus, it brings me back to the belly-touching phobia.
My ideal shower would be more like a cook-out get-together. People just come over and hang out and talk about anything and everything. There are dudes and chicks, food and drinking and just general good times being had. There would be no "games" and no really decorations. No cutesy and froo-froo items or activities. Just chilling and "Oh yeah, I happen to be pregnant" in the background. While I didn't have my SIL label the shower as co-ed, guy are free to attend if they wanted. Shockingly, none of the male counterparts want to attend! If I had said co-ed, I think some of them may have been guilted into coming by their Sigs. I'm well aware that 99.99% of guys do NOT want to be at baby showers. And I totally understand why. They are the same reasons why I do NOT like being at baby showers! Far too many females talking about babies, being pregnant, getting pregnant, those looks of "Honey, don't you just want (another) one of those?" and "How cute is X, Y, Z!" Those things translates into "Blah blah blah blah blah" and "Warning! Danger! Danger, Will Robinson" to most guys.
Lastly, I think the shower brings up a huge fear, one I'm sure that most women that have battled infertility have. What if we get all this stuff and everyone is all excited and worked up, but there doesn't end up being a baby at the end? What if something happens between now and coming home from the hospital? What do you do with all the baby stuff that has filled your house and life? That and it is starting to make things far too real for me. It seems to no longer be "This is cute for a baby" and "Baby would like that". Things are morphing into "Baby will be using this" and "Baby will be wearing these" and "Baby needs this and that".
Sh!t is gettin' real, yo! We are both starting to get really excited about it all. I'm actually giddy about a few things. Plus, I'm starting to plan and get ahead of myself with things. Things like Maternity leave. We've been putting off most of the post-birth necessities like finding a Pediatrician and figuring out child-care for when I go back to work. Now, we are feeling the crunch to get these things done; the pressure of the limited amount of time until they are going to be needed. All that keeps making that big FEAR pop up in my head more and more.
I'm sure that these feelings are completely normal given everything to date, but it sucks. I'd really just love to be able to let myself get and stay excited. Stupid loss and IF! Well, Here's to the home stretch!!
** I wrote this all up yesterday, but forgot to hit post! Thank you auto-save!
So...
Yeah...
Tomorrow is the big day.
MY baby shower.
That just sounds so odd and crazy. Surreal and unreal. But that's what my Goo.gle calendar says and the little invitation on my cluttered "desk" in the kitchen leads me to believe. My mom and dad are on their way down here to spend today and tomorrow with us. According to my previously-PG SIL, 20 people have RSVP'd.
TWENTY. TWO. ZERO.
That seems like a ton of people to me! Sure 10 of them are just our family, but still... I guess people actually like me. That or they just like free food and talking babies. I think it's a coin toss there. We have already received a few gifts by mail for those that are unable to attend due to distance. It's kinda scary how much baby stuff is in our house right now and how much will be here by the end of tomorrow.
So I really want to explore my thoughts and feelings pre-shower and then compare them with post-shower. I feel very strange about it all. I'm a bit more apprehensive than I think most moms-to-be are about it. I hate being the center of attention and having a huge fuss and deal made over me. I don't know how comfortable I'll be talking about my pregnancy and baby plans etc with people. I'm far more relaxed to talk about our infertility than our current success for some odd reason. There's also the fact that practically everyone has advice and recommendations about these last few weeks and beyond. While I appreciate that they are trying to "help", I'm just taking things as they come. We don't so much have a plan as we have "preferences" (thanks to our birth class teach for that term!). Our journey this far has taught me that nothing is predictable, and you really can't plan life. It does what it wants for the most part and you just have to roll with the punches.
Also, I'm worried that lots of people are going to try to be touching my belly at the shower. This totally weirds me out, big time! I love touching my belly. I love the Boy touching it. I'm awkward with our parents touching it. I haven't had anyone else try to touch it, so I don't know how I'll respond. I really don't want to punch someone when/if they try to rub it. I think that would make me a horrible honoree.
The Boy keeps telling me just to think of it as we'll be getting lots of free stuff from people. True, but I feel odd when people give and buy things just for me. I keep trying to think of it more as them doing that for Baby and not me, which helps some. It is still weird for me to think that people are buying stuff and getting all excited for this giant lump in (on?) my abdomen. Plus, it brings me back to the belly-touching phobia.
My ideal shower would be more like a cook-out get-together. People just come over and hang out and talk about anything and everything. There are dudes and chicks, food and drinking and just general good times being had. There would be no "games" and no really decorations. No cutesy and froo-froo items or activities. Just chilling and "Oh yeah, I happen to be pregnant" in the background. While I didn't have my SIL label the shower as co-ed, guy are free to attend if they wanted. Shockingly, none of the male counterparts want to attend! If I had said co-ed, I think some of them may have been guilted into coming by their Sigs. I'm well aware that 99.99% of guys do NOT want to be at baby showers. And I totally understand why. They are the same reasons why I do NOT like being at baby showers! Far too many females talking about babies, being pregnant, getting pregnant, those looks of "Honey, don't you just want (another) one of those?" and "How cute is X, Y, Z!" Those things translates into "Blah blah blah blah blah" and "Warning! Danger! Danger, Will Robinson" to most guys.
Lastly, I think the shower brings up a huge fear, one I'm sure that most women that have battled infertility have. What if we get all this stuff and everyone is all excited and worked up, but there doesn't end up being a baby at the end? What if something happens between now and coming home from the hospital? What do you do with all the baby stuff that has filled your house and life? That and it is starting to make things far too real for me. It seems to no longer be "This is cute for a baby" and "Baby would like that". Things are morphing into "Baby will be using this" and "Baby will be wearing these" and "Baby needs this and that".
Sh!t is gettin' real, yo! We are both starting to get really excited about it all. I'm actually giddy about a few things. Plus, I'm starting to plan and get ahead of myself with things. Things like Maternity leave. We've been putting off most of the post-birth necessities like finding a Pediatrician and figuring out child-care for when I go back to work. Now, we are feeling the crunch to get these things done; the pressure of the limited amount of time until they are going to be needed. All that keeps making that big FEAR pop up in my head more and more.
I'm sure that these feelings are completely normal given everything to date, but it sucks. I'd really just love to be able to let myself get and stay excited. Stupid loss and IF! Well, Here's to the home stretch!!
** I wrote this all up yesterday, but forgot to hit post! Thank you auto-save!
Friday, November 4, 2011
Distance Does Make the Heart Grow Fonder
Sometime I've realized after my last post:
I super-duper miss blogging. Lots.
I really wish I posted more. I love the connection, camaraderie, and commenting (both the leaving and the getting). I know it should be just as easy as writing more posts, more often. But it really isn't.
There is a lot going on in my life right now, but no more than in other peoples. I think my day to day stuff is pretty boring really. Not much to talk about regarding the going-ons.
I've notice my constantly decreasing drive and interest to super/over-achieve at work. "Good enough" seems to be my new methodology. An 8 or 9hr day is plenty in my book, and I'm reserving longer hours for only the days that crap HAS to get done. Things and people are just irritating me too much to put a lot of effort and energy into things there.
My parents have made an offer on a house 10min down the road from us. It's been accepted. They just had the inspection, which came back pretty good - only minor repairs, and will be closing at the end of November. We sorta have mixed feelings about this but overall are pretty happy about it. Not really enough angst or anything to dedicate a full post.
And there is always the baby stuff. 3rd trimester. Less than 10w to go. Half way through our birth and childcare education classes. But for the most part there really isn't any news to report. Ob appts are pretty generic most of the time. I'm gaining weight. Heart rate, BP, and urine are all good. Baby sounds good. Passed my glucose tolerance tests (yak!). I just don't think this is the right outlet to chronicle and go into details about all the little things of pregnancy right now and baby activity, etc. I know the last thing I wanted to read about when I was still going through treatments and trying was how uncomfortable or large someone was feeling and how "baby does this" or "that". If ya'll want all those details, by all means, let me know! Otherwise, I'll just leave you with the knowledge that my little tyke is very comfortable inside and seems to regularly have some sort of crazy rave parties that the Boy and I get to witness frequently.
I was talking to a grad student from another lab at lunch earlier this week, and she pointed out something very poignantly. "You know, you have been very different about your pregnancy than most people. I haven't heard you complain much or anything. You just seem to get on with it. You always seem to be happy and good. I never would guess that you've not felt well at any time." It's true. I just get on with it. There are things that come with being pregnant that are expected. Why complain to everyone about feeling a bit queasy early on or "uncomfortable" later? Call me daft if you will, but those things are intrinsic to being pregnant. I am so grateful to be here right now that I can't and don't feel the need to groan and moan about little things that I was aware happen in pregnancies.
Ya know... thinking about it, I'm kind of a pregnancy rebel here:
Not finding out the sex
Late on the prep (registry, nursery, etc)
Not complaining about it all
I'm the freaking John Mc.Cain of pregnant - a Maverick if you will. That or I'm just like every other infertile that is so freaking appreciative to be able to get and stay pregnant that things like gender and a nursery are just icing on the ice cream-filled, sugar and chocolate laden cake.
Maybe I'll just force myself to make time for small little posts. I do miss this space a lot...
I super-duper miss blogging. Lots.
I really wish I posted more. I love the connection, camaraderie, and commenting (both the leaving and the getting). I know it should be just as easy as writing more posts, more often. But it really isn't.
There is a lot going on in my life right now, but no more than in other peoples. I think my day to day stuff is pretty boring really. Not much to talk about regarding the going-ons.
I've notice my constantly decreasing drive and interest to super/over-achieve at work. "Good enough" seems to be my new methodology. An 8 or 9hr day is plenty in my book, and I'm reserving longer hours for only the days that crap HAS to get done. Things and people are just irritating me too much to put a lot of effort and energy into things there.
My parents have made an offer on a house 10min down the road from us. It's been accepted. They just had the inspection, which came back pretty good - only minor repairs, and will be closing at the end of November. We sorta have mixed feelings about this but overall are pretty happy about it. Not really enough angst or anything to dedicate a full post.
And there is always the baby stuff. 3rd trimester. Less than 10w to go. Half way through our birth and childcare education classes. But for the most part there really isn't any news to report. Ob appts are pretty generic most of the time. I'm gaining weight. Heart rate, BP, and urine are all good. Baby sounds good. Passed my glucose tolerance tests (yak!). I just don't think this is the right outlet to chronicle and go into details about all the little things of pregnancy right now and baby activity, etc. I know the last thing I wanted to read about when I was still going through treatments and trying was how uncomfortable or large someone was feeling and how "baby does this" or "that". If ya'll want all those details, by all means, let me know! Otherwise, I'll just leave you with the knowledge that my little tyke is very comfortable inside and seems to regularly have some sort of crazy rave parties that the Boy and I get to witness frequently.
I was talking to a grad student from another lab at lunch earlier this week, and she pointed out something very poignantly. "You know, you have been very different about your pregnancy than most people. I haven't heard you complain much or anything. You just seem to get on with it. You always seem to be happy and good. I never would guess that you've not felt well at any time." It's true. I just get on with it. There are things that come with being pregnant that are expected. Why complain to everyone about feeling a bit queasy early on or "uncomfortable" later? Call me daft if you will, but those things are intrinsic to being pregnant. I am so grateful to be here right now that I can't and don't feel the need to groan and moan about little things that I was aware happen in pregnancies.
Ya know... thinking about it, I'm kind of a pregnancy rebel here:
Not finding out the sex
Late on the prep (registry, nursery, etc)
Not complaining about it all
I'm the freaking John Mc.Cain of pregnant - a Maverick if you will. That or I'm just like every other infertile that is so freaking appreciative to be able to get and stay pregnant that things like gender and a nursery are just icing on the ice cream-filled, sugar and chocolate laden cake.
Maybe I'll just force myself to make time for small little posts. I do miss this space a lot...
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Yup, that about sums it up!
Also, got a link to THIS in my email and thought I'd pass it on to others. Not a huge, huge revelation, but hopefully means big things to come.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Flying Under the Radar
Sorry for the radio silence this past while. I sorta dropped off the blogging radar, but was still commenting on others' posts. I haven't really known what to post about lately. There is only so much pregnancy talk that I can handle myself, and I don't want to post Pregnant after Pregnant after Pregnant. Unfortunately, the rest of my life is pretty mundane and practically uneventful. I guess I could go into detail about about the odd guy that came to the house and told the Boy that he's mow and weed our yard for $40. Except that is pretty much the whole story right there!
I've thought about it for the past several days and came up with this topic. It isn't so much about being pregnant as it is on how infertility has colored this pregnancy. It most definitely doesn't have me seeing thing through rose-colored glasses!
First things first, at 12.5w, I still haven't told any additional people than I had at 8w. However, I told both mothers that after a good NT scan (that was yesterday), I didn't feel I could hold them to their vows of silence any longer without immense guilt. So, not sure how much that is going to come back to bite me in the rear, but hopefully, they can share the news in a way that doesn't fully out me, especially publicly/globally on FB.
I'm still wearing all my normal clothes, but with increasing MacGyvering (hello twisty-ties!). I'm avoiding any and all even slightly fitted shirts and pretty much wear a jacket or sweater (or lab coat) all day to further disguise my slightly expanding waistline. Everyone is telling me to go buy maternity clothes- "you'd be so much more comfortable!" Except I wouldn't be, at least not mentally. I hate shopping to begin with, but to start buying things that would make things seem more real and absolute is terrifying. I'm not punishing myself with my wardrobe; I'm still relatively comfortable and not sausage squeezed into anything. But I don't feel I've earned stretchy panel pants just yet.
I feel really bad for my co-workers. With all my Dr appts I've scheduled and random sick days and half-days, they are starting to worry about my health. They don't seem fully relieved by my "They're just monitoring appts" answers anymore. And my new "love" of apple juice as a go-to beverage is weirding a few people out. I hate to make them worry about me, but I just can't bring myself to tell them the truth just yet. The half-day appt yesterday made things quite awkward for me to discuss. Apparently, "It went well. Things are good." is not a sufficient answer to "How was your appt? I hope you're alright" anymore. Thankfully, no one has pushed the envelope or called me out on anything just yet.
I'm not sure how much longer I can go keeping such a big (and growing) secret from 99% of the people I interact with on a regular basis. I wish there was a cloaking device for pregnancy...
Other then my fear of communications, things are good. The NT scan yesterday was incredible. I cried seeing fingers and toes, and how it wouldn't cooperate and hold still for even a second. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes again. It does still feel like a dream that there is a little life inside of me right now. It is starting to feel more like a waking dream though, one that might actually be real, and one that I'm all too happy to be having.
I hope this hasn't been too crazy "pregnant, pregnant, pregnant. Baby, baby , baby" for anyone. I haven't forgotten what it is like on the other side of the what seems like 100ft fence. I know that at any moment, I could find myself catapulted back over it. I try not to worry about it or obsess over it, because there is nothing I can about it except enjoy the ride, day by day. If I could those, I'd definitely throw as many life lines over that fence as my girl-throw would let me.
I've thought about it for the past several days and came up with this topic. It isn't so much about being pregnant as it is on how infertility has colored this pregnancy. It most definitely doesn't have me seeing thing through rose-colored glasses!
First things first, at 12.5w, I still haven't told any additional people than I had at 8w. However, I told both mothers that after a good NT scan (that was yesterday), I didn't feel I could hold them to their vows of silence any longer without immense guilt. So, not sure how much that is going to come back to bite me in the rear, but hopefully, they can share the news in a way that doesn't fully out me, especially publicly/globally on FB.
I'm still wearing all my normal clothes, but with increasing MacGyvering (hello twisty-ties!). I'm avoiding any and all even slightly fitted shirts and pretty much wear a jacket or sweater (or lab coat) all day to further disguise my slightly expanding waistline. Everyone is telling me to go buy maternity clothes- "you'd be so much more comfortable!" Except I wouldn't be, at least not mentally. I hate shopping to begin with, but to start buying things that would make things seem more real and absolute is terrifying. I'm not punishing myself with my wardrobe; I'm still relatively comfortable and not sausage squeezed into anything. But I don't feel I've earned stretchy panel pants just yet.
I feel really bad for my co-workers. With all my Dr appts I've scheduled and random sick days and half-days, they are starting to worry about my health. They don't seem fully relieved by my "They're just monitoring appts" answers anymore. And my new "love" of apple juice as a go-to beverage is weirding a few people out. I hate to make them worry about me, but I just can't bring myself to tell them the truth just yet. The half-day appt yesterday made things quite awkward for me to discuss. Apparently, "It went well. Things are good." is not a sufficient answer to "How was your appt? I hope you're alright" anymore. Thankfully, no one has pushed the envelope or called me out on anything just yet.
I'm not sure how much longer I can go keeping such a big (and growing) secret from 99% of the people I interact with on a regular basis. I wish there was a cloaking device for pregnancy...
Other then my fear of communications, things are good. The NT scan yesterday was incredible. I cried seeing fingers and toes, and how it wouldn't cooperate and hold still for even a second. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes again. It does still feel like a dream that there is a little life inside of me right now. It is starting to feel more like a waking dream though, one that might actually be real, and one that I'm all too happy to be having.
I hope this hasn't been too crazy "pregnant, pregnant, pregnant. Baby, baby , baby" for anyone. I haven't forgotten what it is like on the other side of the what seems like 100ft fence. I know that at any moment, I could find myself catapulted back over it. I try not to worry about it or obsess over it, because there is nothing I can about it except enjoy the ride, day by day. If I could those, I'd definitely throw as many life lines over that fence as my girl-throw would let me.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Random Run-down
I've been a bad, bad blogger and just about as poor a commenter. "I've been tired" just seems like a lame, cop-out excuse to me. So to catch everyone up on what's been going on my world (because on top of exhaustion, I actually did do some stuff!), I'm going to do a rambling, hopefully brief run-through of my life recently.
Both mothers have been hounding me about when they can tell every imaginable person about their soon-to-be newest grandchild. They still don't quite understand my hesitance but have respected my wishes to this point. I told them that I'll only hold them to secrecy until after the 12wk appt for the nuchal scan and bloodwork. I don't plan on telling the rest of the world just yet, but I don't think it is fair to demand they contain their excitement until I feel ready. That may not be until there is a real, honest to goodness baby in my arms.
Towards the end of last week the nausea was subsiding, and in my jubilation, I treated myself to a McD's egg and cheese biscuit and hash browns on Friday. I've been wanted one for weeks, and it was delicious! Unfortunately, it ended in tragedy as I got to re-experience them a few hours later in the restroom stall at work, 20min before a meeting with my boss. So glad I told him prior. I could not mask my obvious "delicate state", at least not with my face drained of color and the random pauses in convo I had to make to settle myself. Half day of work for me thanks to my 1st puke of this pregnancy.
My little sister came into town Friday-Sunday and stayed with us. It was fun hanging with her and catching up on life. We carpooled to the Zoo on Sunday for our family trip on Father's day. It was tons of fun and the weather didn't get too miserable. The kids were too adorable to watch as they took in all the sights and animals. I took a few rounds on stroller duty and was told that I should get my practice in now. Hello! I've pushed strollers before, numerous times. Just because I'm pregnant now doesn't mean I forgot how to do so! All in all, a really good day spent with family and playing with toddlers.
I've been using my doppler nightly/every other night for a few minutes. Just long enough to find and enjoy the relaxing rhythm that reassures me that something is still kicking away in there!
I've officially tapered off the PIO. It was a nerve-wracking week and a half/2wks. My rear end couldn't be happier, but my toilet paper inspection has elevated to another level of insanity. Coincidentally, I have a 1/2 full vial and a 2nd full vial (given to me by PG-SIL) of PIO along with countless syringes, needles and injection periphenalia that I have no clue what to do with at this point. As they've been opened and used, I know I can't donate them to the RE's clinic.
I also had a few infertile freak-out moments on Sunday while we were over at BIL/PG-SIL's house. As she is on maternity leave, not entirely enjoying her colicky daughter, she's been watching lots of TLC shows and the like (Freak-out#1 - Are you seriously complaining about your baby crying all the time and the only thing that soothes her is nursing? Just nurse her, even if you think she has "had enough to eat" for Kermit's sake!). This includes the Dug.gar's show on their umpteen children. The oldest son and his wife just found out they were expecting their 2nd on their daughter's 1st birthday (Freak-out#2 - Seriously!? PG again that soon?!). They told their family and friends at the birthday party a few days later (WTF!?!). THEN!! went on live television on the To.day show and announced it to the whole world. At 7w. SEVEN WEEKS!! I about lost my sh1t. I'm officially 11w today, and I haven't told anyone outside of my immediate family, 2 close couple friends, and my boss. That's it. I don't even know when I'll tell anyone else or if I'll even say anything. Maybe I can just wait until they ask why I look like I'm smuggling a beach ball around?
The other infertile moment I had Sunday was when B&SIL mentioned about what we have to look forward to in a few months. Me - "I hope so, assuming everything actually works out until then." No response from them. I'm not sure if they even realized that I'm not fully comfortable in my pregnancy, that I don't 100% believe that pregnancy = leaving the hospital with a baby. I'm not and I'm not sure when/if I'll be more confident that everything will work out perfectly.
Lastly, I registered for prenatal/birth education and yoga classes at the hospital. Yikes. The info the OB's office said to register for things in the 1st tri for your 3rd as classes fill up. The Type A planner in me had to stick to those guidelines. I don't want to miss my opportunity to take these classes and get the tour of the hospital and wards! It felt incredibly weird and terrifying, almost like I was tempting fate, when I hit that "submit" button.
So that wasn't really brief, but that's been Me for the last while. Now, I'm going to take my pre-bedtime nap.
Both mothers have been hounding me about when they can tell every imaginable person about their soon-to-be newest grandchild. They still don't quite understand my hesitance but have respected my wishes to this point. I told them that I'll only hold them to secrecy until after the 12wk appt for the nuchal scan and bloodwork. I don't plan on telling the rest of the world just yet, but I don't think it is fair to demand they contain their excitement until I feel ready. That may not be until there is a real, honest to goodness baby in my arms.
Towards the end of last week the nausea was subsiding, and in my jubilation, I treated myself to a McD's egg and cheese biscuit and hash browns on Friday. I've been wanted one for weeks, and it was delicious! Unfortunately, it ended in tragedy as I got to re-experience them a few hours later in the restroom stall at work, 20min before a meeting with my boss. So glad I told him prior. I could not mask my obvious "delicate state", at least not with my face drained of color and the random pauses in convo I had to make to settle myself. Half day of work for me thanks to my 1st puke of this pregnancy.
My little sister came into town Friday-Sunday and stayed with us. It was fun hanging with her and catching up on life. We carpooled to the Zoo on Sunday for our family trip on Father's day. It was tons of fun and the weather didn't get too miserable. The kids were too adorable to watch as they took in all the sights and animals. I took a few rounds on stroller duty and was told that I should get my practice in now. Hello! I've pushed strollers before, numerous times. Just because I'm pregnant now doesn't mean I forgot how to do so! All in all, a really good day spent with family and playing with toddlers.
I've been using my doppler nightly/every other night for a few minutes. Just long enough to find and enjoy the relaxing rhythm that reassures me that something is still kicking away in there!
I've officially tapered off the PIO. It was a nerve-wracking week and a half/2wks. My rear end couldn't be happier, but my toilet paper inspection has elevated to another level of insanity. Coincidentally, I have a 1/2 full vial and a 2nd full vial (given to me by PG-SIL) of PIO along with countless syringes, needles and injection periphenalia that I have no clue what to do with at this point. As they've been opened and used, I know I can't donate them to the RE's clinic.
I also had a few infertile freak-out moments on Sunday while we were over at BIL/PG-SIL's house. As she is on maternity leave, not entirely enjoying her colicky daughter, she's been watching lots of TLC shows and the like (Freak-out#1 - Are you seriously complaining about your baby crying all the time and the only thing that soothes her is nursing? Just nurse her, even if you think she has "had enough to eat" for Kermit's sake!). This includes the Dug.gar's show on their umpteen children. The oldest son and his wife just found out they were expecting their 2nd on their daughter's 1st birthday (Freak-out#2 - Seriously!? PG again that soon?!). They told their family and friends at the birthday party a few days later (WTF!?!). THEN!! went on live television on the To.day show and announced it to the whole world. At 7w. SEVEN WEEKS!! I about lost my sh1t. I'm officially 11w today, and I haven't told anyone outside of my immediate family, 2 close couple friends, and my boss. That's it. I don't even know when I'll tell anyone else or if I'll even say anything. Maybe I can just wait until they ask why I look like I'm smuggling a beach ball around?
The other infertile moment I had Sunday was when B&SIL mentioned about what we have to look forward to in a few months. Me - "I hope so, assuming everything actually works out until then." No response from them. I'm not sure if they even realized that I'm not fully comfortable in my pregnancy, that I don't 100% believe that pregnancy = leaving the hospital with a baby. I'm not and I'm not sure when/if I'll be more confident that everything will work out perfectly.
Lastly, I registered for prenatal/birth education and yoga classes at the hospital. Yikes. The info the OB's office said to register for things in the 1st tri for your 3rd as classes fill up. The Type A planner in me had to stick to those guidelines. I don't want to miss my opportunity to take these classes and get the tour of the hospital and wards! It felt incredibly weird and terrifying, almost like I was tempting fate, when I hit that "submit" button.
So that wasn't really brief, but that's been Me for the last while. Now, I'm going to take my pre-bedtime nap.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
"Why Me?"
There has been a lot of sad and disappointing news in the blogosphere lately. Losses. Failed cycles. Just bad news.
It all seems so unfair. I've seen posts where a lot of women are asking the universe "Why me?" or more often "Why not me?"
Why not them? They've put in the time, the countless cycles, the money, blood, sweat and tears. Why don't they have their babies yet? It just isn't fair.
And that has me contemplating "Why me?" Why have I been blessed, so far, with a healthy, viable pregnancy when couples trying for years longer than me are no closer to a baby than they were long before we started trying? Why has my baby continued to grow and live when so many women out there have had miscarriage after miscarriage, stillbirths and all forms of losses? What makes my little fetus any better or more deserving than those lost?
It make my heart hurt to read post after post of loss and grief, be it a failed cycle or failed pregnancy. There are far too many of them in this community. Unfortunately, there is nothing anyone can do to fix the problem. I can't make anything better for those that are still wondering down that long, long road to parenthood. I wish there was, but I know it is beyond what little power I have to control or influence.
And mostly, I feel guilty. I see these posts of heartache and heartbreak and am torn on whether to post or not. Does my "I'm so very sorry" comment hold as much weight as someone who is still on the front lines? Do my condolences help alleviate any of the sadness and grief these women and their SOs are feeling? Or am I just inadvertently rubbing my good fortune in their faces? Does some one who just had another BFN really want to hear me offering support and suggesting they hang in there?
I've haven't been posting very frequently lately and the above is partly why. I truly don't want to alienate those that are still trying from my blog. I don't want to make pregnancy post after pregnancy post here. It just seems so inconsiderate of those that have been there and offering their support these past several months. I don't want it to seem that I'm flaunting my Ob appts and symptoms. The other reason is because it's pretty much the same day in and day out with only minor variations here and there. No one wants to read the same pregnancy-centric post time after time.
I'm just not comfortable discussing my pregnancy in general. Not on my blog. Not in the other TTC/PG related sites and forums. Not with family or friends. Not truly comfortable at least. I may seem to be fairly open about it, but just like everything else, I'm pretty good at putting on the "everything is fine and dandy" act for others.
Is my day-to-day life and pregnancy worth posting? Are they something people actually want to read? Is it off-putting to those that have been dealing with loss and IF longer than I? I don't want to add any additional hurt and upset for these people over something I'd only be posting for posterity?
It all seems so unfair. I've seen posts where a lot of women are asking the universe "Why me?" or more often "Why not me?"
Why not them? They've put in the time, the countless cycles, the money, blood, sweat and tears. Why don't they have their babies yet? It just isn't fair.
And that has me contemplating "Why me?" Why have I been blessed, so far, with a healthy, viable pregnancy when couples trying for years longer than me are no closer to a baby than they were long before we started trying? Why has my baby continued to grow and live when so many women out there have had miscarriage after miscarriage, stillbirths and all forms of losses? What makes my little fetus any better or more deserving than those lost?
It make my heart hurt to read post after post of loss and grief, be it a failed cycle or failed pregnancy. There are far too many of them in this community. Unfortunately, there is nothing anyone can do to fix the problem. I can't make anything better for those that are still wondering down that long, long road to parenthood. I wish there was, but I know it is beyond what little power I have to control or influence.
And mostly, I feel guilty. I see these posts of heartache and heartbreak and am torn on whether to post or not. Does my "I'm so very sorry" comment hold as much weight as someone who is still on the front lines? Do my condolences help alleviate any of the sadness and grief these women and their SOs are feeling? Or am I just inadvertently rubbing my good fortune in their faces? Does some one who just had another BFN really want to hear me offering support and suggesting they hang in there?
I've haven't been posting very frequently lately and the above is partly why. I truly don't want to alienate those that are still trying from my blog. I don't want to make pregnancy post after pregnancy post here. It just seems so inconsiderate of those that have been there and offering their support these past several months. I don't want it to seem that I'm flaunting my Ob appts and symptoms. The other reason is because it's pretty much the same day in and day out with only minor variations here and there. No one wants to read the same pregnancy-centric post time after time.
I'm just not comfortable discussing my pregnancy in general. Not on my blog. Not in the other TTC/PG related sites and forums. Not with family or friends. Not truly comfortable at least. I may seem to be fairly open about it, but just like everything else, I'm pretty good at putting on the "everything is fine and dandy" act for others.
Is my day-to-day life and pregnancy worth posting? Are they something people actually want to read? Is it off-putting to those that have been dealing with loss and IF longer than I? I don't want to add any additional hurt and upset for these people over something I'd only be posting for posterity?
Monday, May 16, 2011
On Pins and Needles!
I promise this isn't another PIO post! (I'm doing well with those, except for some mild sciatic nerve compression from the tissue irritation. I'll live).
All I can think about today was tomorrow morning. Almost all Sunday, I spent the day on the couch (feeling a bit cruddy and tired, gracias!) googling everything I could about embryonic development at 6wks, 6wk ultrasounds, and when the heart beat can typically be seen and/or heard.
I would be over the friggin' moon if we heard the heartbeat tomorrow. It is not something I've ever been exposed to, except through TV, movies or the internet. I've never had the pleasure of being in the room when a sonogram or u/s of that nature is given. I will be overjoyed if we get to see the heartbeat flickering on the screen if it can't be heard. I'll be thrilled to see the baby is growing on target.
More than anything, I'll be happy just to know that there is a baby alive in there.
I am truly blessed to have as amazing a husband as the Boy is. He couldn't take the day off, but he told his bosses that he would be in late. He is adamant about making this appt with me. I don't know if I could stand it for him not to be there. Good or bad, we are going to be there together tomorrow, holding hands, supporting one another.
Tomorrow is a full moon. They have always been my fertile time and have been kind to me in general. I'm hoping that holds.
** I'll update everyone how things went tomorrow morning after I get home from work. I won't have the opportunity to bring my lap, so won't be able to share the news until the evening. **
All I can think about today was tomorrow morning. Almost all Sunday, I spent the day on the couch (feeling a bit cruddy and tired, gracias!) googling everything I could about embryonic development at 6wks, 6wk ultrasounds, and when the heart beat can typically be seen and/or heard.
I would be over the friggin' moon if we heard the heartbeat tomorrow. It is not something I've ever been exposed to, except through TV, movies or the internet. I've never had the pleasure of being in the room when a sonogram or u/s of that nature is given. I will be overjoyed if we get to see the heartbeat flickering on the screen if it can't be heard. I'll be thrilled to see the baby is growing on target.
More than anything, I'll be happy just to know that there is a baby alive in there.
I am truly blessed to have as amazing a husband as the Boy is. He couldn't take the day off, but he told his bosses that he would be in late. He is adamant about making this appt with me. I don't know if I could stand it for him not to be there. Good or bad, we are going to be there together tomorrow, holding hands, supporting one another.
Tomorrow is a full moon. They have always been my fertile time and have been kind to me in general. I'm hoping that holds.
** I'll update everyone how things went tomorrow morning after I get home from work. I won't have the opportunity to bring my lap, so won't be able to share the news until the evening. **
Sunday, May 15, 2011
How's this for new crazies?
There is apparently no making an infertile woman happy!
I went to use the restroom a bit ago after feeling a little gush and thinking I've wet myself or started bleeding, etc. I get in there an realize that no, it's just another gob of creamy CM. And that's when the craziest thought struck me...
I miss the changes in my CM throughout my cycle. I miss the "dry" season. More than anything, I miss seeing the EW. The rush and excitement that clear, snotty mucus brought with it! Man... I never in a million years thought I'd long for the days of "CM roulette"!
Another piece of IF crazy hanging around - I still check my CP periodically. I don't know why exactly, but it's like instinct sometimes!
I think I'm approaching certifiable here!
I went to use the restroom a bit ago after feeling a little gush and thinking I've wet myself or started bleeding, etc. I get in there an realize that no, it's just another gob of creamy CM. And that's when the craziest thought struck me...
I miss the changes in my CM throughout my cycle. I miss the "dry" season. More than anything, I miss seeing the EW. The rush and excitement that clear, snotty mucus brought with it! Man... I never in a million years thought I'd long for the days of "CM roulette"!
Another piece of IF crazy hanging around - I still check my CP periodically. I don't know why exactly, but it's like instinct sometimes!
I think I'm approaching certifiable here!
Friday, May 13, 2011
Pendulous
I first want to thank all of you for your kind words of hope and encouragement! I've been going back and reading them again and again any time I've been feeling a bit melancholy or pessimistic. Right now, ya'll are the only people that know other than the Boy and the PG friend that had a m/c and shares my 1st due date. It is the best feeling to know that there are so many people that I can turn to right now that understand practically everything I'm experiencing right now and have either advice or sweet words to offer. Thank you, thank you, thank you from the absolute bottom of my heart!
Life is a bit like a pendulum right now. Swinging from one thing to another, back and forth. I go from thinking everything will work out just fine this time to waiting for it all to end in the blink of an eye. Some days, I can't help but marvel at the changes that are/could be occurring within me right then and there. Other days, I still feel the immense distrust and frustration at my body. I don't know if it is actually doing its job this time or if it is just keeping the rouse up so I don't beat it again.
I want to make plans and think of the future with the zeal that the Boy is starting to experience and wants to share. We are thinking of telling just the parents at some point shortly after the u/s on Tuesday, if all is well. By we, I mean him. I really would feel much better waiting until after the 2nd u/s at ~8wks or even after the 1st trimester. I don't think that is fair to our parents though.
There are instances this week where I've realized that I've been daydreaming of what the u/s would be like. Keep in mind that my only experience with u/s have been to place my IUD and to scan for follicles. In my head, I'm seeing us going in, my husband holding my hand. We see and hear (not too likely at 6wks, I know) the heartbeat and see the baby moving around. The Drs and nurses are super happy for us. We hold each other crying tears of joy and disbelief. Unfortunately, there have been an equal number of times that I've had day-mares that we go for the u/s and there's absolutely nothing there or the start of a baby that stopped.
I also find myself willing and wishing time away for Tuesday to arrive ASAP. And at the same time, I'm strangely enjoying the time that I can at least pretend to naively hope and think that things are perfect and there is a fantastic, happy, healthy baby (or 2) in there, swimming around. Those moments are fleeting, but are probably some of the happiest times I've had in quite a while, in all honest.
For now, I'm ok with being 50/50 and straddling the fence on the turn out. There is nothing I can do to sway things one way or the other, so there is little use in fretting over it all so much. I'm doing my best to find the joy and peace in each and every one of my symptoms and pregnancy "discomforts" as I have them. I'm happy to feel like a goat or cow and constantly nibbling on things or having 2nd helpings as I always feel hungry. I get a sick sense of pleasure in the onset or heightening of the nausea at the back of my throat. I even smile when I use the bathroom, now twice as often as I use to, and see the CM that falls into the toilet and collects in my underwear. When I can't sleep at night after dreaming of a nap all day, I lay there and listen to my own heartbeat and imagine what could be growing and how it is developing there in my abdomen. I don't mind the soreness in my backside and hips thanks to the 25G, 1.5" needles I have to use each night. Each time I feel the ache, it reminds me what it is all for and seems a measly price to pay for the reward.
I promise to do everything in my powers to continue to feel so blessed with all the "undesirable" things that come with pregnancy. If I even seem to be complaining about any sort of physical discomfort or inconvenience, I absolutely want one of you ladies to smack me around and bring me back to my senses. I completely recognize how amazing ans special a gift I have been given here.
And more than anything, I wish there was something, anything I could do to give that same gift to each and every one of you ladies that have had to go through IF.
Life is a bit like a pendulum right now. Swinging from one thing to another, back and forth. I go from thinking everything will work out just fine this time to waiting for it all to end in the blink of an eye. Some days, I can't help but marvel at the changes that are/could be occurring within me right then and there. Other days, I still feel the immense distrust and frustration at my body. I don't know if it is actually doing its job this time or if it is just keeping the rouse up so I don't beat it again.
I want to make plans and think of the future with the zeal that the Boy is starting to experience and wants to share. We are thinking of telling just the parents at some point shortly after the u/s on Tuesday, if all is well. By we, I mean him. I really would feel much better waiting until after the 2nd u/s at ~8wks or even after the 1st trimester. I don't think that is fair to our parents though.
There are instances this week where I've realized that I've been daydreaming of what the u/s would be like. Keep in mind that my only experience with u/s have been to place my IUD and to scan for follicles. In my head, I'm seeing us going in, my husband holding my hand. We see and hear (not too likely at 6wks, I know) the heartbeat and see the baby moving around. The Drs and nurses are super happy for us. We hold each other crying tears of joy and disbelief. Unfortunately, there have been an equal number of times that I've had day-mares that we go for the u/s and there's absolutely nothing there or the start of a baby that stopped.
I also find myself willing and wishing time away for Tuesday to arrive ASAP. And at the same time, I'm strangely enjoying the time that I can at least pretend to naively hope and think that things are perfect and there is a fantastic, happy, healthy baby (or 2) in there, swimming around. Those moments are fleeting, but are probably some of the happiest times I've had in quite a while, in all honest.
For now, I'm ok with being 50/50 and straddling the fence on the turn out. There is nothing I can do to sway things one way or the other, so there is little use in fretting over it all so much. I'm doing my best to find the joy and peace in each and every one of my symptoms and pregnancy "discomforts" as I have them. I'm happy to feel like a goat or cow and constantly nibbling on things or having 2nd helpings as I always feel hungry. I get a sick sense of pleasure in the onset or heightening of the nausea at the back of my throat. I even smile when I use the bathroom, now twice as often as I use to, and see the CM that falls into the toilet and collects in my underwear. When I can't sleep at night after dreaming of a nap all day, I lay there and listen to my own heartbeat and imagine what could be growing and how it is developing there in my abdomen. I don't mind the soreness in my backside and hips thanks to the 25G, 1.5" needles I have to use each night. Each time I feel the ache, it reminds me what it is all for and seems a measly price to pay for the reward.
I promise to do everything in my powers to continue to feel so blessed with all the "undesirable" things that come with pregnancy. If I even seem to be complaining about any sort of physical discomfort or inconvenience, I absolutely want one of you ladies to smack me around and bring me back to my senses. I completely recognize how amazing ans special a gift I have been given here.
And more than anything, I wish there was something, anything I could do to give that same gift to each and every one of you ladies that have had to go through IF.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Into the Unkown
Today marks the start of a whole new set of experiences for me.
At this point last time, it was the start of the end. Negative beta. Bleeding. 5wks was the end.
Tomorrow is unfamiliar territory. 5w1d. Something's been burrowed in for the last 2.5wks now. It is just too surreal and feels completely UNreal.
I've been debating of getting a walk-in beta draw this week at the RE's office. Just something to tide me over and give me reassurance until next Tuesday. But to be honest, my blood levels aren't going to tell me anything my body already hasn't. Increasing levels with great doubling rates, don't guarantee a baby developing or a heartbeat.
To appease myself, I took the last digital I had. The last hpt in the whole house. Last time, the word I expected to appear did, but so did the word I had hoped wouldn't. This time, the 2nd digi said just that one lovely word. It didn't take it long to make its decision either. And in my neurosis, I busted that test apart after to see what the lines looked like. Complete desperation. There was thankfully only the faintest of control lines.
The great line, the reassuring physical symptoms, the erratic appetite, and urgency of urination. I wish I could say these all make me feel happy and optimistic each day. Sadly, while I do take comfort in them, they don't completely ease my fears that this may meet the same unfortunate end as the previous.
Maybe it could be a blighted ovum. Maybe the baby stopped developing. I'm so fearful that there isn't a baby anymore but my body is carrying on like everything is honky-dory regardless.
The Boy is starting to think of plans and scheduling to tell the parents and things to do around the house before the baby arrives.
I'm counting down the hours until next Tuesday at 8:30a.
6 days, 11 hours, 21 minutes.
At this point last time, it was the start of the end. Negative beta. Bleeding. 5wks was the end.
Tomorrow is unfamiliar territory. 5w1d. Something's been burrowed in for the last 2.5wks now. It is just too surreal and feels completely UNreal.
I've been debating of getting a walk-in beta draw this week at the RE's office. Just something to tide me over and give me reassurance until next Tuesday. But to be honest, my blood levels aren't going to tell me anything my body already hasn't. Increasing levels with great doubling rates, don't guarantee a baby developing or a heartbeat.
To appease myself, I took the last digital I had. The last hpt in the whole house. Last time, the word I expected to appear did, but so did the word I had hoped wouldn't. This time, the 2nd digi said just that one lovely word. It didn't take it long to make its decision either. And in my neurosis, I busted that test apart after to see what the lines looked like. Complete desperation. There was thankfully only the faintest of control lines.
The great line, the reassuring physical symptoms, the erratic appetite, and urgency of urination. I wish I could say these all make me feel happy and optimistic each day. Sadly, while I do take comfort in them, they don't completely ease my fears that this may meet the same unfortunate end as the previous.
Maybe it could be a blighted ovum. Maybe the baby stopped developing. I'm so fearful that there isn't a baby anymore but my body is carrying on like everything is honky-dory regardless.
The Boy is starting to think of plans and scheduling to tell the parents and things to do around the house before the baby arrives.
I'm counting down the hours until next Tuesday at 8:30a.
6 days, 11 hours, 21 minutes.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
The Power of Definitions
Mother - [muhth-er]
"What Is a Mother? A mother is someone to shelter and guide us,
To love us, whatever we do,
With a warm understanding and infinite patience,
And wonderful gentleness, too.
How often a mother means swift reassurance
In soothing our small, childish fears,
How tenderly mothers watch over their children
And treasure them all through the years!
The heart of a mother is full of forgiveness
For any mistake, big or small,
And generous always in helping her family
Whose needs she has placed above all.
A mother can utter a word of compassion
And make all our cares fall away,
She can brighten a home with the sound of her laughter
And make life delightful and gay.
A mother possesses incredible wisdom
And wonderful insight and skill -
In each human heart is that one special corner
Which only a mother can fill!
- Katherine Nelson Davis "
To me, a mother is someone who cares and loves for another living thing. A person who nurtures, supports, comforts, and tends to others. One can "mother" a pet, a husband, a friend, a business, an idea, a passion. A child does not have to have passed through your vaginal canal for a woman to give birth to something.
To be a mother, there doesn't have to a human child in your arms or in your body. If the love for a child is in your heart, you are a mother.
I am wishing everyone a Happy Mother's day. Whether with us currently, too briefly, or still waiting to be conceived, we all have children in our heart. And that is where true mothers lie.
And while on the topic of definitions, what is "infertile"? The Boy got me thinking on this the other day. Can I technically be considered infertile? I've managed to get pregnant twice in 4m, and both prior to the 1yr TTC mark.
No where does it say that infertility is the inability to get and/or stay pregnant, with or without medical intervention. It is usually determined by age and length of time. No where does it talk about reproductive disorders equating to infertility, such that conditions X, Y, or Z will complicate or prevent conception and pregnancy.
Neither I nor the Boy meet the "accepted" definition of infertility, even through we both have our own individual issues in the baby-making/keeping department. If we hadn't been proactive, I doubt either pregnancy would have occurred. We'd still be here, 11m later not sure why things haven't happened. Wasting month after month, not knowing we had 0.01% chance of any success each cycle.
Am I actually "infertile"? I don't know, but I can identify with the IF community far more than with the general TTC or pregnant population. I have the same fears, concerns, and hopes as all of you. I lack the comfort, innocence, and naivety of conception and pregnancy that the large majority of women get to experience. I may be pregnant today, but tomorrow still looms large and imposing. There is still 8m between now and the possibility of bringing a child home. So much can happen in the blink of an eye, let alone 8m. I can't even begin to think of myself as fertile until I'm holding that baby in my arms, safe at home...
1. a female who has given birth to offspring
2. one's female parent.
3. a mother-in-law, stepmother, or adoptive mother.
That is the dictionary's definition of a mother. It that the only correct answer? Does a "mother" have to have a human child to meet this definition?
"What Is a Mother? A mother is someone to shelter and guide us,
To love us, whatever we do,
With a warm understanding and infinite patience,
And wonderful gentleness, too.
How often a mother means swift reassurance
In soothing our small, childish fears,
How tenderly mothers watch over their children
And treasure them all through the years!
The heart of a mother is full of forgiveness
For any mistake, big or small,
And generous always in helping her family
Whose needs she has placed above all.
A mother can utter a word of compassion
And make all our cares fall away,
She can brighten a home with the sound of her laughter
And make life delightful and gay.
A mother possesses incredible wisdom
And wonderful insight and skill -
In each human heart is that one special corner
Which only a mother can fill!
- Katherine Nelson Davis "
To me, a mother is someone who cares and loves for another living thing. A person who nurtures, supports, comforts, and tends to others. One can "mother" a pet, a husband, a friend, a business, an idea, a passion. A child does not have to have passed through your vaginal canal for a woman to give birth to something.
To be a mother, there doesn't have to a human child in your arms or in your body. If the love for a child is in your heart, you are a mother.
I am wishing everyone a Happy Mother's day. Whether with us currently, too briefly, or still waiting to be conceived, we all have children in our heart. And that is where true mothers lie.
*****************
And while on the topic of definitions, what is "infertile"? The Boy got me thinking on this the other day. Can I technically be considered infertile? I've managed to get pregnant twice in 4m, and both prior to the 1yr TTC mark.
No where does it say that infertility is the inability to get and/or stay pregnant, with or without medical intervention. It is usually determined by age and length of time. No where does it talk about reproductive disorders equating to infertility, such that conditions X, Y, or Z will complicate or prevent conception and pregnancy.
Neither I nor the Boy meet the "accepted" definition of infertility, even through we both have our own individual issues in the baby-making/keeping department. If we hadn't been proactive, I doubt either pregnancy would have occurred. We'd still be here, 11m later not sure why things haven't happened. Wasting month after month, not knowing we had 0.01% chance of any success each cycle.
Am I actually "infertile"? I don't know, but I can identify with the IF community far more than with the general TTC or pregnant population. I have the same fears, concerns, and hopes as all of you. I lack the comfort, innocence, and naivety of conception and pregnancy that the large majority of women get to experience. I may be pregnant today, but tomorrow still looms large and imposing. There is still 8m between now and the possibility of bringing a child home. So much can happen in the blink of an eye, let alone 8m. I can't even begin to think of myself as fertile until I'm holding that baby in my arms, safe at home...
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Weekend Round-up
What a weekend!
Thank you everyone for you suggestions about meeting with my friend E. I decided to go and just see how things went. We decided to make it dinner as well so that was a bit of a releif.
We meet around 7pm after I dropped the Boy off at a friend's house for a bit of a "Guy's Night" as it was on the way. I grab a table and wait for her to arrive. I order a water and sip on it a bit while waiting... She arrives. We hug. She orders a water and a beer. "Do you want anything else to drink?" No thanks, I'm good with water for now. (Crisis averted!) So we start by jumping right into how long we've both been trying, etc. I felt awful for her after hearing they started trying the month before we did, but haven't been protecting since their wedding 4yrs ago, just withdrawing. I was shocked that they didn't have any "accidents" or "scares" in that whole time.
Her Dr won't do any testing until they've been "trying" for a year even though she knows that E is turning 34, has a history with hypothyroidism (crazy, right?) and hasn't used any form of birth control in almost 5yrs now. How absurd! She was just as sympathetic with our story. She asked lots of questions about the types of treatments we've done and what we might have to do, etc. She about jumped over the table from joy when I told her we miraculously had a positive test in January, only to miscarry. She squeezed my hand and offered condolences.She was just wonderful through it all! I almost wanted to come out and tell her that I've just found out I'm pregnant again, but honestly, I don't want to have to tell very many people if it doesn't work out again.
I lent her my copy of "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" to help her with charting, which she just started doing a bit in December/January and pointed her towards Fertility Friend and a place to buy fertility supplements and tests cheap. We talked about how we've felt through these experiences and how the guys have reacted and dealt with things as well as some of the crazy things we've done or thought of doing.
It was so fantastic to just sit and talk with someone in person that completely got it! I also loved that I could impart all the IF knowledge and dispelled some misconceptions she thought were true. She has a follow-up with her Dr on May 16th. I told her to take a stand. Be her own advocate. It's been 11mo, she's approaching "advanced maternal age", and nothing as of yet. If she is ready to start testing, her Dr should be on board by now. I also suggested that she get her DH checked by his Dr. She was all for it, but not sure how eager he would be.
It was totally serendipitous that any of this happens as she rarely checks FB and just happened to do so the week I'm participating in NIAW?!
I also hung out with other friends last night for one of the girl's birthdays. Generally, that involves eating, watching movies and drinks. I was on a roll with my drink avoidance! When offered a drink - "I want to eat some food first." or "I'm good with water for now." When asked why I wasn't drinking - either "We have to get up early in the morning." or "I don't really feel like a drink right now."
I did happen to have a bit of spotting while at their place, before bed last night and a touch this morning. My heart sank initially, but it wasn't and isn't red, just kind of pinkish brown. I'm playing it off in my head as normal early pregnancy spotting and could just be because this is when I would be due for my period. I've decided to take things a bit easy today and not do any lifting or strenuous work, though. The Boy isn't super happy about me ditching out on my chores around the house, but he's understanding about it.
Continuing on my neurotic reassurance, I've been testing everyday. This morning's test is by far my favorite. Not only is it not first morning (Thanks dogs for the 6:45 wake-up call), but I didn't have to force myself to hold it to test (Thank you early morning nap!).
Some how I have to make sure I sleep tonight. I've been anxiously awaiting and obsessively thinking about Monday morning's beta draw all weekend. That and when my earliest u/s would be if it all looks good.
I also received my PIO yesterday. I had to run to the FedEx office 20min away to collect it because, of course, the delivery guy came the 1hr we were out grocery shopping. I'm psyching myself up for the shots and have been watching videos online about how to give them. I'm pretty excited about not taking the suppositories any more!
Thank you everyone for you suggestions about meeting with my friend E. I decided to go and just see how things went. We decided to make it dinner as well so that was a bit of a releif.
We meet around 7pm after I dropped the Boy off at a friend's house for a bit of a "Guy's Night" as it was on the way. I grab a table and wait for her to arrive. I order a water and sip on it a bit while waiting... She arrives. We hug. She orders a water and a beer. "Do you want anything else to drink?" No thanks, I'm good with water for now. (Crisis averted!) So we start by jumping right into how long we've both been trying, etc. I felt awful for her after hearing they started trying the month before we did, but haven't been protecting since their wedding 4yrs ago, just withdrawing. I was shocked that they didn't have any "accidents" or "scares" in that whole time.
Her Dr won't do any testing until they've been "trying" for a year even though she knows that E is turning 34, has a history with hypothyroidism (crazy, right?) and hasn't used any form of birth control in almost 5yrs now. How absurd! She was just as sympathetic with our story. She asked lots of questions about the types of treatments we've done and what we might have to do, etc. She about jumped over the table from joy when I told her we miraculously had a positive test in January, only to miscarry. She squeezed my hand and offered condolences.She was just wonderful through it all! I almost wanted to come out and tell her that I've just found out I'm pregnant again, but honestly, I don't want to have to tell very many people if it doesn't work out again.
I lent her my copy of "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" to help her with charting, which she just started doing a bit in December/January and pointed her towards Fertility Friend and a place to buy fertility supplements and tests cheap. We talked about how we've felt through these experiences and how the guys have reacted and dealt with things as well as some of the crazy things we've done or thought of doing.
It was so fantastic to just sit and talk with someone in person that completely got it! I also loved that I could impart all the IF knowledge and dispelled some misconceptions she thought were true. She has a follow-up with her Dr on May 16th. I told her to take a stand. Be her own advocate. It's been 11mo, she's approaching "advanced maternal age", and nothing as of yet. If she is ready to start testing, her Dr should be on board by now. I also suggested that she get her DH checked by his Dr. She was all for it, but not sure how eager he would be.
It was totally serendipitous that any of this happens as she rarely checks FB and just happened to do so the week I'm participating in NIAW?!
I also hung out with other friends last night for one of the girl's birthdays. Generally, that involves eating, watching movies and drinks. I was on a roll with my drink avoidance! When offered a drink - "I want to eat some food first." or "I'm good with water for now." When asked why I wasn't drinking - either "We have to get up early in the morning." or "I don't really feel like a drink right now."
I did happen to have a bit of spotting while at their place, before bed last night and a touch this morning. My heart sank initially, but it wasn't and isn't red, just kind of pinkish brown. I'm playing it off in my head as normal early pregnancy spotting and could just be because this is when I would be due for my period. I've decided to take things a bit easy today and not do any lifting or strenuous work, though. The Boy isn't super happy about me ditching out on my chores around the house, but he's understanding about it.
Continuing on my neurotic reassurance, I've been testing everyday. This morning's test is by far my favorite. Not only is it not first morning (Thanks dogs for the 6:45 wake-up call), but I didn't have to force myself to hold it to test (Thank you early morning nap!).
Some how I have to make sure I sleep tonight. I've been anxiously awaiting and obsessively thinking about Monday morning's beta draw all weekend. That and when my earliest u/s would be if it all looks good.
I also received my PIO yesterday. I had to run to the FedEx office 20min away to collect it because, of course, the delivery guy came the 1hr we were out grocery shopping. I'm psyching myself up for the shots and have been watching videos online about how to give them. I'm pretty excited about not taking the suppositories any more!
Friday, April 29, 2011
42
If you are a dork like me, you know that is the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything.
It is also my beta hCG level for today, 11dpo. P4 is at 17. If things double by the redraw on Monday, I'll be starting on PIO shots.
Not only am I a dork, I'm neurotic. I tested Wednesday morning, yesterday morning, and took a digital that the PG-SIL gave me last night. Just to make sure I wasn't wasting my time going in this morning, I also tested today. I've never seen a line this dark on any hpt I've ever taken.
Please let this work out...
I'm also scheduled to meet with the friend (E) who came out to me because of my FB infertility postings, tonight for dinner and drinks. I hadn't anticipated this happening when I made those arrangements. I'm not entirely sure how to handle the situation at this point...
I can't drink now, knowing that I'm PUPO. I don't feel comfortable telling her just yet, but I feel like I'd be lieing to her if I don't say something. I've never been in a situation like this.
It is also my beta hCG level for today, 11dpo. P4 is at 17. If things double by the redraw on Monday, I'll be starting on PIO shots.
Not only am I a dork, I'm neurotic. I tested Wednesday morning, yesterday morning, and took a digital that the PG-SIL gave me last night. Just to make sure I wasn't wasting my time going in this morning, I also tested today. I've never seen a line this dark on any hpt I've ever taken.
Please let this work out...
I'm also scheduled to meet with the friend (E) who came out to me because of my FB infertility postings, tonight for dinner and drinks. I hadn't anticipated this happening when I made those arrangements. I'm not entirely sure how to handle the situation at this point...
I can't drink now, knowing that I'm PUPO. I don't feel comfortable telling her just yet, but I feel like I'd be lieing to her if I don't say something. I've never been in a situation like this.
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