Distance Does Make the Heart Grow Fonder

Sometime I've realized after my last post:

I super-duper miss blogging. Lots.

I really wish I posted more. I love the connection, camaraderie, and commenting (both the leaving and the getting). I know it should be just as easy as writing more posts, more often. But it really isn't.

There is a lot going on in my life right now, but no more than in other peoples. I think my day to day stuff is pretty boring really. Not much to talk about regarding the going-ons.

I've notice my constantly decreasing drive and interest to super/over-achieve at work. "Good enough" seems to be my new methodology. An 8 or 9hr day is plenty in my book, and I'm reserving longer hours for only the days that crap HAS to get done. Things and people are just irritating me too much to put a lot of effort and energy into things there.

My parents have made an offer on a house 10min down the road from us. It's been accepted. They just had the inspection, which came back pretty good - only minor repairs, and will be closing at the end of November. We sorta have mixed feelings about this but overall are pretty happy about it. Not really enough angst or anything to dedicate a full post.

And there is always the baby stuff. 3rd trimester. Less than 10w to go. Half way through our birth and childcare education classes. But for the most part there really isn't any news to report. Ob appts are pretty generic most of the time. I'm gaining weight. Heart rate, BP, and urine are all good. Baby sounds good. Passed my glucose tolerance tests (yak!). I just don't think this is the right outlet to chronicle and go into details about all the little things of pregnancy right now and baby activity, etc. I know the last thing I wanted to read about when I was still going through treatments and trying was how uncomfortable or large someone was feeling and how "baby does this" or "that". If ya'll want all those details, by all means, let me know! Otherwise, I'll just leave you with the knowledge that my little tyke is very comfortable inside and seems to regularly have some sort of crazy rave parties that the Boy and I get to witness frequently.

I was talking to a grad student from another lab at lunch earlier this week, and she pointed out something very poignantly. "You know, you have been very different about your pregnancy than most people. I haven't heard you complain much or anything. You just seem to get on with it. You always seem to be happy and good. I never would guess that you've not felt well at any time." It's true. I just get on with it. There are things that come with being pregnant that are expected. Why complain to everyone about feeling a bit queasy early on or "uncomfortable" later? Call me daft if you will, but those things are intrinsic to being pregnant. I am so grateful to be here right now that I can't and don't feel the need to groan and moan about little things that I was aware happen in pregnancies.

Ya know... thinking about it, I'm kind of a pregnancy rebel here:
Not finding out the sex
Late on the prep (registry, nursery, etc)
Not complaining about it all

I'm the freaking John Mc.Cain of pregnant - a Maverick if you will. That or I'm just like every other infertile that is so freaking appreciative to be able to get and stay pregnant that things like gender and a nursery are just icing on the ice cream-filled, sugar and chocolate laden cake.

Maybe I'll just force myself to make time for small little posts. I do miss this space a lot...

Blogland Spectator

There is something I've been feeling super guilty about the last few months. People say I shouldn't, but I can't help it.

I've been a Blogland Spectator.

I read the posts that Blogger and Google send to my Reader everyday (or other day) or so, but sadly that is about it. I comment here and there. Post something sporadically. But mostly, I've been a ghost around the blogosphere.

I wish I could say there was a good reason. Honestly, though, there just isn't one that I feel is justified. Sure, we've been busy, but I've been busy before and was still able to keep pace. Part of it is still that lack of interest in the internet. Some of that is due to some lovely pregnancy-related vision issues and reading things for any considerable amount of time.

I fear that it might be coming off as "I'm pregnant and have far more important things to busy myself with than IF and blogs." That isn't at all the case.* I've actually felt more attached and involved with ya'll's cycle outcomes and news than before being pregnant. It's probably the hormones, but I find myself crying tears of joy at the good news and tears of sadness at  disappointment, loss, and heartache right alongside you.

Sometimes, I just can't think of a comment to write. "Sorry" and "Yay" seem like such lackluster statements to post on such monumental and personal entries. Plus, I feel they seem even more hollow coming from someone that is sailing along in pregnancy.

I am really sorry for my lack of presence these last few months in the IF blogosphere. I wish I could promise that it will change soon, but if I'm being honest with myself and you, I don't see it happening thanks to the impending holidays and hopefully, a take home baby. Just know that I am reading your words and that you have my support and shoulder as you continue in your struggles and in your successes. I am thinking of you all and wishing you nothing but the best and happiness!


*I have done next to ZERO to get ready for a baby or anything like that. Call me slack. The only pregnancy/baby related things I've accomplished is starting a registry at Targ'et (@ 25w - which is apparently unheard of and crazy late to most people) and confirmed a date with previously PG-SIL for the shower she's offered to host for me. That is absolutely it. My younger sis is still in the future nursery room site. No furniture has been purchased or assembled. Paint colors haven't been selected (other than just general shades). I've been delinquent on pretty much everything that isn't our back deck or work.

"Why Me?"

There has been a lot of sad and disappointing news in the blogosphere lately. Losses. Failed cycles. Just bad news.

It all seems so unfair. I've seen posts where a lot of women are asking the universe "Why me?" or more often "Why not me?"

Why not them? They've put in the time, the countless cycles, the money, blood, sweat and tears. Why don't they have their babies yet? It just isn't fair.

And that has me contemplating "Why me?" Why have I been blessed, so far, with a healthy, viable pregnancy when couples trying for years longer than me are no closer to a baby than they were long before we started trying? Why has my baby continued to grow and live when so many women out there have had miscarriage after miscarriage, stillbirths and all forms of losses? What makes my little fetus any better or more deserving than those lost?

It make my heart hurt to read post after post of loss and grief, be it a failed cycle or failed pregnancy. There are far too many of them in this community. Unfortunately, there is nothing anyone can do to fix the problem. I can't make anything better for those that are still wondering down that long, long road to parenthood. I wish there was, but I know it is beyond what little power I have to control or influence.

And mostly, I feel guilty. I see these posts of heartache and heartbreak and am torn on whether to post or not. Does my "I'm so very sorry" comment hold as much weight as someone who is still on the front lines? Do my condolences help  alleviate any of the sadness and grief these women and their SOs are feeling? Or am I just inadvertently rubbing my good fortune in their faces? Does some one who just had another BFN really want to hear me offering support and suggesting they hang in there?

I've haven't been posting very frequently lately and the above is partly why. I truly don't want to alienate those that are still trying from my blog. I don't want to make pregnancy post after pregnancy post here. It just seems so inconsiderate of those that have been there and offering their support these past several months. I don't want it to seem that I'm flaunting my Ob appts and symptoms. The other reason is because it's pretty much the same day in and day out with only minor variations here and there. No one wants to read the same pregnancy-centric post time after time.

I'm just not comfortable discussing my pregnancy in general. Not on my blog. Not in the other TTC/PG related sites and forums. Not with family or friends. Not truly comfortable at least. I may seem to be fairly open about it, but just like everything else, I'm pretty good at putting on the "everything is fine and dandy" act for others.

Is my day-to-day life and pregnancy worth posting? Are they something people actually want to read? Is it off-putting to those that have been dealing with loss and IF longer than I? I don't want to add any additional hurt and upset for these people over something I'd only be posting for posterity?

New Directions

This post is unfortunately not a Glee reference, but the title fits and I love that it makes me think of Glee!

The last few days I've looked over the most recent several posts I've done. Why has anyone told me I've been a whining, complaining ball of meh? I realized I need to inject more positivity into this blog and my life as well. What I'd like to do I need help with as I'm not super good at this whole blog/website layout stuff.

I want to add link buttons/menu bar at the top of the page below the title banner. Make a few subpages. I see lots of blogs that have these and I have no clue how to put them on mine. Anyone that knows how or can point me in the right direction, I'd be eternally grateful!

I'd like to make a page that just has our TTC time line summed up for easy access for new readers and quick ref for others. I also want to make one where I have to put at least 1 positive, inspirational, or happy thought or action each and every day. I know I could just keep a journal for that, but I think the fact of putting it out where others can access it will not only make me feel more accountable for posting them, but maybe they will also help others who need a little glimmer of hope and happiness as well.

So those are the new directions I want to head in, but need some help getting there.

ps. 13dpo today. Waiting and seeing.

I need to recharge the batteries

It's a bit of an oxymoron to be so tired and worn down but not able to sleep, right? The last week and a half, I feel fatigued all day which doesn't help with my already lacking motivation and dragging productivity. I get home and feel like a zombie checking email and websites and blogs. Too tired to do my usual nighttime routine and just do the quick version. Once I hop into bed and get comfortable though, wide awake.

My mind isn't racing. I'm relaxed. I'm freaking tired as all get out (does anyone else say that? The Boy makes fun of me for it). Why can't I fall asleep? I eventually drift off after quite a while, but end up waking back up for no reason. Not too hot, not too cold, not uncomfortable and no noises disturbing me. I just wake up. Having a drink before bed doesn't help. Reading doesn't help. Eating. Not eating. I can't seem to beat it. The only time I sleep really really well is the last few hours before I have to go to work. 4-8am is when I've been getting my best sleep.

I really wish I could blame the lack of energy on something awesome like being pregnant or something. Alas, it's just good ol' insomnia. It creeps around and stays for a few weeks every now and then throughout the year. I could probably get a script for some sleep aids from my Dr, but I really don't like taking meds unless absolutely necessary. Or at least absolutely necessary to make the baby that I really want (which is hopefully making its way down my tubes and prepping itself for burrowing into my uterus here in the next week or so!).

Regardless of why the lack of sleep, I have not been doing my appropriate amount of commenting each day. I feel really guilty about it. I just can't bring myself though to leave a comment on someone's blog just to leave a comment. I have to have something to add or at least contribute in some way. Lately, I'm just glad I can string together a few sentences periodically throughout the day that sound coherent and make at least some sense to the person with which I'm speaking.

Please forgive me my ICLW trespasses. I'll try to make up for it next month. I should be post-insomnia zombified by then. In the meantime, I'd really like to know what all your nighttime/sleep rituals are!

ICLW and falling behind

Sorry to be an absentee on the 1st day of ICLW, but work has been kicking my butt this week. If this is your 1st time dropping by- Thanks so much for stopping in and checking me out! I could do a new post that sums up our TTC journey or I can just link you back to these 1st 2 posts I did that gives you the whole run down up to last month: The last 10 months, part 1 & part 2. One of these days, I'll figure out how the heck to make a sub-page on this here blog that will have all this info nicely outlined. Until then, you have to read through my posts!

On to the 2nd part of this post title! I'm falling behind! Not really, just not as far ahead at work and home as I'd like to be. I'm sure it doesn't help when things are added onto my plate and I have to deal with them immediately, putting of the things I had initially planned on doing. Hello, Type A! Major problem there. I don't like my plans being disrupted! Things should get better by the week after next as a co-worker returns from maternity leave  so I won't have to be covering for her share of the work any more.

As for home, if anyone has a spare couple of hours they'd like to come and help me clean, paint, and do one of the other kajillion things on my to-do list for the house, come on over! I've been pretty good about letting these things slide the last several months, but I think with my parents impending visit this weekend, I'm feeling more pressure to whip the house into presentable shape. If only I could direct the small amount of motivation I have towards that and work, rather than baby stuff...

I wrote a comment on Mel's post. Yeah. Don't tell my boss, but since we can access gmail at work for calendar purposes, I've been using that and the google reader to keep up-to-date on peoples posts and such. We aren't allowed to check many "outside" sites or do things non-work related. I can't help it though. I'm desperate to know if so and so got their test results or if there was 2 lines on whose-it's preg test, and how protocol A is treating XYZ and who is having what symptoms in their 2ww.

I will admit something else while I'm being so open. I've been filling my time with all these other peoples' lives to distract me from the omnipresent and overbearing shadow of TTC that I'm sure the rest of ya'll know fairly well. Getting wrapped up in those goings-ons keeps me from having to focus on my own. I do genuinely care about all your stories/lives, and I feel a bit selfish to be using them as distractions, but I can't seem to help it. I hope that ya'll can forgive that!

ps- Still waiting for confirmation of O, but I'm pretty sure I'm in my own 2ww now and will be needing ya'lls bright and shiny posts to keep my attention from myself.

All Systems Go.

I'm about to "launch" into my 1st ever IComLeavWe! I'm super stoked about it! I am also amazed at the number of blogs participating. 160! Absolutely unreal! The overachiever in my really entertained the notion of doing the Iron Commenter challenge, but I honest don't think I could leave 160 comments in 1 week, at least not substantial ones. I do think I will try to at least read a post from all of the participating blogs, though. This sorta feels like one of those scavenger hunt I use to do when I was in Girls Scouts years and years ago. The anticipation of the start; planning out the strategy. Thrilling! I can't wait to start it tomorrow!

Another exciting thing is that I finally! got my + opt this afternoon! I fully expect to actually ovulate tomorrow somewhere between mid-morning and early afternoon. Any cycle that I've used opt's, ovulation followed my positive by 12-18hrs. I've never gone 24hr or more between my LH surge and my lovely and oh-so-strong ovary pain that signal my egg making a break for it.

I may still be in the motivational mire, but at least I have some things to be excited about and to help pass the time until I make my way out the the muck. It is both comforting and unfortunate that so many of us/ya'll also feel stuck, but at least there is great company here!

I'm practicing my acceptance speech

Thank you all soo much! I've been awarded the "Veratile Blogger" and "I <3 this Blog" awards. Thank you soo much Endo_Life, Alli, and Princess Wahna Bea Mama for the nominations!

 

Definitely go check those gals out!  Love, Drama, Action, Comedy. They have it all!

I'm going to break the rules a bit here though... I'm suppose to pay it forward and award these to 15 other bloggers. I'd love to award these to every fertility-challenged lady out there blogging. That list over there to the right, all those ladies - Awarded! I can't choose just 15 blogs, and it is far too great an undertaking to contact each and every blog that I have found and started reading and following in this past month.

I will however participate in the "Share 7 things about yourself" and even double it to 14 for both awards. Now, I just have to think of 14 things I haven't already shared...

1 -  I met the love of my life online. He had me at "Hey, I think I know you." He didn't but what a smooth line, huh?

2 - I have 2 large dogs and 2 cats. The dogs are my babies, my girls. The older, male cat loves to push my buttons and cause trouble, but he's pretty awesome for a cat. The smaller, female pretty much hates me, but thinks the world of the Boy. I would have more pets, preferably dogs, if we had a bigger house and yard, and if he hadn't made me agree that the next living thing to join our family had to be human.

3 - His biological clock was ticking louder than mine when we first considered TTC. Now, I think mine has become Big Ben. I very desperately want a little chubby baby to call my own!

4 - I was a prissy, fruu-fruu girl until kindergarten. Since then, huge tom-boy and it has to be a special occasion to get me in a dress. I've just recently re-introduced skirts into my wardrobe. I like them longer or at least knee-length and the flowier the better!

5 - I use to super-sort my clothing. My closet was arranged from tanks, short to long-sleeved shirts, jeans, slacks, skirts/dresses. Each category was then done in color order as well. Repeat for folded clothes. I even folded my underwear!

6 - I can only keep complex life forms alive. The easier it is to care for seems to mean the easier it is for me to kill it. Fish, most plants, even cacti, have all meet their end at my hands.

7 - I am a super science nerd. I have kept and still read my college science textbooks. I like nerdy online comics that make math and science jokes like xkcd and PhD. If it is nerdy and dorky, I will most likely love it!

8 - I am the smallest female in my family. I have 3 sisters (and my mom). While we are all, minus my blonde 5'8" younger sister, about the same height at 5'2" - 4", I'm the only one below a C cup. I didn't get curves until after my youngest sister blossomed at 15yr old and I was in college. I'm hoping that WHEN I get pregnant, my boobs will at least get to and stay a B cup.

9 - I love thunderstorms. The wind, the rain, the rolling thunder, even the lightening relaxes me. I love it all. I will crack open a window just to hear a good storm, smell the rain, and feel the wind.

10 - I wish I knew how hard getting pregnant would actually be for me. I would have saved tons (!) on birth control had I known this years ago.

11 - I obsessively check my email. I have 3 accounts, 2 personal and 1 for work, that I check all the time for emails whether I'm expecting any or not. I get anxious if I don't at least check it 2x a day.

12 - Speaking of anxiety, I've had anxiety issues since I was a child. Since elementary school, I've had testing anxiety, speaking/performance anxiety, and worried way too much to be healthy. It makes TTC extra interesting!

13 - I love that my husband is artistic. I really wish I was more creative, so I encourage him to do as much artsy stuff as he wants! My artistic skills are pretty much limited to things with smooth lines and symmetry. The more anal-retentive the craft is, the better I am at it!

14 - Lastly, I have very few close, confidant female friends. It is very hard for me to open up and share things. I tend to feel my emotions, thoughts, and worries burden others down, and that is the last thing I want to do to a friend. It's very much a Catch-22, as I wish I had people that I could share things with, but at the same time don't want to add to their worries, etc. If I could change only 1 thing about myself, this would be it. I feel completely abnormal in that I can not say I have a BFF.

And with that cheerful note, I hope everyone has a great weekend and finds a little romance in honor of the approaching holiday!

It's all in the timing. Or is it the delivery?

Anyone who is actively TTC knows that everything comes down to timing. When this happens; when that happens. Waiting time. Time and timing everywhere you look! I'm good with all that time. I'm content this cycle to just wait and see, and what will be will be.

No, the timing I'm talking about right now is about postings. Boy says I should do regular scheduled posts. Knowing that on X day there will be a post here is suppose to form some connection and consistency with readers. But I don't know if I will have anything worth-while to write about every M W F, or what have you.

Should I stick to a set schedule and just find topics to write about? Or should I stick to the content that I'm delivering? Are sporadic, but meaningful posts any better than regular, comforting posts? I don't know. I personally prefer to read things that the writer wants to put out there, when they want to put it out. If that happens ever Tuesday or once a week, it's ok with me. However, I do find that I like going to sites and knowing that there will be an update, something new waiting for me. It is kind of a let down to check something several times and seeing the same old thing greeting me again.

What do ya'll think? This is my blog, but it's kind of pointless is ya'll aren't reading it. So weigh in! Dependability or substance?

Public vs Private

I've thought about this quite a bit since yesterday. What we define as public and private aspects of our lives. It was initially brought up during our session with the therapist. (I'll give the back story for her at the end of the post.) We were discussing our fertility difficulties, my miscarriage and the various coping mechanisms we were using, well mostly that I've been using. I told her that I had started a blog in January and how I feel it has helped get out a lot of my thoughts and feelings. She commended me for writing these posts and mentioned the irony of how such a private person as myself would put these very private and personal feelings and experiences out into public where everyone could see them. It is almost laughable that we've practically told no one we know in person that we were even TTC and yet I'm broadcasting my miscarriage to the whole world online.

And in other ways, it is still very much private. Sure, the whole world can see what I've written. However, the only ones that actually choose to do so are in the very close-knit world of IF. Individuals that have gone and/or  are going through the same or worse difficulties, trying and trying to start or continue their families.

I don't think I have made anything in our TTC journey truly public. I blog here; I participate in a TTC forum, and we have told a very select few friends that we are trying. It took a lot of back and forth for us to even decide to do a full disclosure to the parents yesterday regarding trying, getting pregnant, getting un-pregnant, and continuing trying. I have not made a single reference to any of that on Facebook (other than the secret/private TTC group I'm in) or in emails or any of that.

It's a bit surreal and strange to me to think that I am far more comfortable telling complete strangers these intimate details than some of my closest friends and family. But yesterday fully illustrated why I chose to do so. Ya'll get it. Ya'll understand. I don't feel I have to explain myself or our actions or in-actions to you. You just get it and know and support. There isn't the 20,000 questions, the inane comments and speculation. I'm not telling the whole world about the inner workings of my reproductive organs and hormones, our sex life, and any other issues. I'm telling my fellow non-fertiles, people that have shared the same back with me as well as "the rest of the world".

I agree that I am a very private person and tend to keep most things to myself. I feel that even though I'm putting this all out on the web, it is still being kept private. I'm only telling my closest, most trust-worthy friends. I'm not just telling random people about these things. I'm telling ya'll.


**Therapist info- We started seeing a professional several years ago for couples counseling as we were having some marital troubles and issues. Started out with this male therapist, but he seemed a bit too touch-feely about things and we didn't think we'd make too much progress there. We started seeing our current professional about 2yrs ago, maybe 2.5yrs. She was able to get through a lot of the ugly truths of our problems and serious progress was made. We decided to continue to see her even after the initial issues we went there for were resolved. There is nothing better than just putting everything out there once a month, getting a different perspective on things and using that to continue to grow. She is probably the reason we are still happily married and we probably wouldn't be here or even have contemplated TTC with out her help. She was great in response to our loss and our coping mechanisms for it, and very supportive and  excited about our potential future offspring.