This time last year...

This time last year was so starkly different from this time this year.

This time last year, I was miscarrying my 1st ever and highly improbable pregnancy. My heart was heavy and hurting, but I was coming to terms with it and starting the healing process. I didn't know if it was possible for us to conceive again. I was feeling a bit worn down with the whole TTC ordeal. Almost thinking that it was pointless and if all the trouble and disappointment was even worth it.

This year, I know it all was worth it and then some. While I haven't forgotten the loss and heartache of last year, having Emma here this year makes it easier to bear. I now know that all the medications, appts, negative pregnancy tests, and everything has paid off, in spades. This year, I am not living in my pj's, swollen and puffy eyes, and dulling the pain with alcohol. This year, I'm living in my pj's, dark circles under my eyes, and joy in my heart. And today, while writing this post up, I was treated to the wonder of Emma's 1st intentional smile at me. In that instance, all the grief and hardship of TTC and loss melted away (at least for a while).

This year, I'm happy.

Weekend Round-up

What a weekend!

Thank you everyone for you suggestions about meeting with my friend E. I decided to go and just see how things went. We decided to make it dinner as well so that was a bit of a releif.

We meet around 7pm after I dropped the Boy off at a friend's house for a bit of a "Guy's Night" as it was on the way. I grab a table and wait for her to arrive. I order a water and sip on it a bit while waiting... She arrives. We hug. She orders a water and a beer. "Do you want anything else to drink?" No thanks, I'm good with water for now. (Crisis averted!) So we start by jumping right into how long we've both been trying, etc. I felt awful for her after hearing they started trying the month before we did, but haven't been protecting since their wedding 4yrs ago, just withdrawing. I was shocked that they didn't have any "accidents" or "scares" in that whole time.

Her Dr won't do any testing until they've been "trying" for a year even though she knows that E is turning 34, has a history with hypothyroidism (crazy, right?) and hasn't used any form of birth control in almost 5yrs now. How absurd! She was just as sympathetic with our story. She asked lots of questions about the types of treatments we've done and what we might have to do, etc. She about jumped over the table from joy when I told her we miraculously had a positive test in January, only to miscarry. She squeezed my hand and offered condolences.She was just wonderful through it all! I almost wanted to come out and tell her that I've just found out I'm pregnant again, but honestly, I don't want to have to tell very many people if it doesn't work out again.

I lent her my copy of "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" to help her with charting, which she just started doing a bit in December/January and pointed her towards Fertility Friend and a place to buy fertility supplements and tests cheap. We talked about how we've felt through these experiences and how the guys have reacted and dealt with things as well as some of the crazy things we've done or thought of doing.

It was so fantastic to just sit and talk with someone in person that completely got it! I also loved that I could impart all the IF knowledge and dispelled some misconceptions she thought were true. She has a follow-up with her Dr on May 16th. I told her to take a stand. Be her own advocate. It's been 11mo, she's approaching "advanced maternal age", and nothing as of yet. If she is ready to start testing, her Dr should be on board by now. I also suggested that she get her DH checked by his Dr. She was all for it, but not sure how eager he would be.

It was totally serendipitous that any of this happens as she rarely checks FB and just happened to do so the week I'm participating in NIAW?!

I also hung out with other friends last night for one of the girl's birthdays. Generally, that involves eating, watching movies and drinks. I was on a roll with my drink avoidance! When offered a drink - "I want to eat some food first." or "I'm good with water for now." When asked why I wasn't drinking - either "We have to get up early in the morning." or "I don't really feel like a drink right now."

I did happen to have a bit of spotting while at their place, before bed last night and a touch this morning. My heart sank initially, but it wasn't and isn't red, just kind of pinkish brown. I'm playing it off in my head as normal early pregnancy spotting and could just be because this is when I would be due for my period. I've decided to take things a bit easy today and not do any lifting or strenuous work, though. The Boy isn't super happy about me ditching out on my chores around the house, but he's understanding about it.

Continuing on my neurotic reassurance, I've been testing everyday. This morning's test is by far my favorite. Not only is it not first morning (Thanks dogs for the 6:45 wake-up call), but I didn't have to force myself to hold it to test (Thank you early morning nap!).

Some how I have to make sure I sleep tonight. I've been anxiously awaiting and obsessively thinking about Monday morning's beta draw all weekend. That and when my earliest u/s would be if it all looks good.

I also received my PIO yesterday. I had to run to the FedEx office 20min away to collect it because, of course, the delivery guy came the 1hr we were out grocery shopping. I'm psyching myself up for the shots and have been watching videos online about how to give them. I'm pretty excited about not taking the suppositories any more!

Oh, Snap...

"We interrupt your regularly scheduled blog post to bring you some late breaking news."

I know I said I'd be posting about the blog awards today. For now, I'm just going to thank Jen over at The Chronicles of Violetta Margarita, Ashlee at Savor the Moment and Amanda at Our Fertility Journey for the awards. I'll do the other requirements later! Promise!

There is pregnancy test and symptoms talk down below. If you don't want to read on, I completely understand and might even do the same if I was reading this.

I'm home from work today, nursing a killer headache that hit me yesterday afternoon and hasn't left yet in spite of the Tylenol and Ibuprofen I've taken. On top of that, my chesticles (I love the Boy and his made up words!) have been achy and hurting the last several days, I've been having cramps that span down low and pinch on both sides, and then there is that pressure feeling at the back of my throat. All since Monday. When my temp dropped.

I've been spending more time trying to explain them away than looking for new symptoms. I've really tried hard not to read anything into them. We all know how our bodies hate us and like to play tricks with our minds. I don't believe in any of the things I've been feeling.

Because I'm scared. Petrified, really.

I took a test this afternoon, confident that nothing would show up. Heck, it wasn't 1st morning urine and I'm only 9dpo. It's far too early for anything to show up and my pee couldn't be concentrated enough if there was. I took it to prove to myself and my body that there is no way I could be pregnant. I had a huge cyst on my right ovary and I didn't take any of my Ov stims. My temp hasn't really rebounded from Monday.

I peed on that plastic stick (one of the 3-pack I bought last cycle b/c the cyst was making me think I was pregnant) and stuck it right back in the wrapper. I set it on the coffee table while I started to write the Blow Award post.

...

...

...

The faintest of lines is there. Even lighter than the 1st test in January. A hair of a pink-tinged line. This has to be my imagination. There is no way. Maybe it's just the antibody line that I'm seeing? An evap line? In the time limit?

I posted it up on can you see a line.com (don't click the link if you don't want to see a pee-soaked stick). It's 7 for 7 right now on "Positive" votes. I think I am going to throw-up. Not in a morning sickness kind of way, either. In a sheer terror/anxiety sort of way. I had to talk myself up and still hesitated when I went to let the Boy know I had tested, even though I had said I wouldn't unless my period didn't show.

I can't really even say I'm excited or tentatively optimistic. I'm stunned, in disbelief, and most of all scared. I am so very afraid I'll loose this one too, if the line isn't a lie. I'm scared that all the IF friends I've made are going to turn away. I mean I'm barely an Infertile at 10m/11cycles in to TTC. I'm afraid that maybe the line is all in my imagination, and I'll never get pregnant again.

Right now, all I feel is fear.

An Over-achiever not achieving at conceiving

What happens to an over-achiever that is not achieving? They aren’t under-achieving or just meeting expectations. They just aren’t achieving.

What happens is they start to lose IT.

Sanity.

Self-confidence.

Emotional stability.

Control.

All of IT.

Just gone.

No matter the past accomplishments and victories, whatever is being un-achieved dwarfs them in comparison, shrinking their importance. They don’t seem so great or as impressive as they use to be. The shine has been dulled and tarnished, shadowed by the non-achieved looming before the OA.

It is heart-wrenching. Utterly devastating. Completely stagnant. Totally me.

Right now, I am on a paper that is being submitted to one of the most prestigious scienctific journals. I’ve been working on this project for almost 3yrs now. I’m 4^th author out of about 20. It’s huge! The OA in me would be a bit smug and excited that so much work and effort has finally paid off, Big Time!

Instead, I would trade it all in, without batting an eyelash, to be pregnant right now. I would hand over my graduate degree, my position of importance and authority in the lab, my fairly decent paycheck, and 4^th author status on a ground-breaking paper/project for a baby. Not a moment of hesitation.

OA’s don’t do that! The point of over-achieving is to prove your worth, to get you where you want to be, to prove that you can do things and do them freaking well! Being recognized for a job well-done is the whole reason I over-achieve! I don’t work my butt of for things just to turn around and drop them.

It is a bit strange to think about it this way, but I have put far more effort into making (and keeping) a potential baby than I have into probably anything else in my entire adult life (save my marriage- constant effort that is well worth it). I’ve put loads of time into it. Researching. Reading. Practicing. I’ve invested large amounts of money into it. Doctor appts. Medications, vitamins, supplements. Opks and hpts. And yet, no matter how much time, money or effort I put into the baby equation, I don’t get the correct answer, the desired outcome.

With the input I’ve given to this whole “creating life” project, I would be expecting something like triplets to be the end product if I were to compare it to completely unrelated past experiences. Instead, I have negative product. Debt. Wasted time (can’t get back those hours I spent looking for positions/vitamins/chants/crystals to increase my chances of pregnancy). Loss.

I haven’t achieved. Nor have I under-achieved. I’ve just made no real, tangible progress. That is a hard pill to swallow for me- and that’s saying something given the number of medications I’m ingesting on a daily basis at this point. I can’t say I’m failing, because I’m not. One doesn’t fail if they are trying their best and making the effort. I’m just un-succeeding. Un-achieving. Un-pregnant. Feeling more and more Un-me.

AND!

And! I left my lunch at home today and had to buy something at the cafeteria.

And! I think I may have started my period several days early. Woo freakin' hoo.

At least FF gave me 5 free days of VIP membership so now all can see I've been suffering from road congestion for the last 9d. I <3 progesterone suppositories.

Why is it only Wednesday?

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Update: I have indeed started early. Cycle #11 here I come. Goodbye 2011 baby. Maybe the in-laws will get that February, April, or June baby to fill in lack of birthdays for those months in the family.

12wks

This time 2m ago, I was pregnant. Newly pregnant. If things had gone well, I'd be almost 13wks and entering the 2nd trimester. I'd be starting to share the news with non-immediate family members and not-so close friends. I probably wouldn't be making a FB about it, but if I did, it would probably be as subtle as my IF outings.

Instead, I'm 10dpo and not feeling too promising about this cycle. I'm trying not to think about these things. Trying to ignore "symptoms" and not think about what cd I'm on or when I'd be late.

Yeah. That's not working so well. It's all I can think about. X number of days until I'd be late. X number of dpo. If I was pregnant, X number of weeks until this or that. It's probably not healthy. Unfortunately, I do it without really thinking and without realizing I'm doing it until it's done. I'm just too comfortable with numbers. Maybe I'm calculating all this as a way of comforting myself? I don't know.

What I do know is I'm fully expecting to move onto TTC in April. I'm hoping to be pregnant again by my birthday at the end of May, but even that isn't looking like much of a possibility in my mental calculations. Also in my calculations, is the amount of money we spend each month on vitamins, supplements, and Rx's for the snowball-in-hell's chance of getting pregnant again. Just shy of $150. I know that is no where close to what some women pay each month for injectibles, u/s, etc with more intense treatments. Still, that $1,500 (~2,000 + co-pays and all) that we've spent so far without anything to really show for it, except for 2 hpts with their faint, now crusty lines that are currently taking up space in a landfill, roughly the size of the hole in my heart.

For those that like to keep tabs on other people's 2ww symptoms:
-Nauseous, catch in my throat feeling (like I had 2m ago), but since 2dpo.
-Dull and periodic ache in my Right boob and under that armpit since 7dpo
-Strong, stabbing/pinching pains (similar to O pains) on my right side, just inside my hip yesterday and a bit Monday evening.

And that's it. But now I'm off to a busy, fun-(un)filled day at work, running around like a headless chicken to get the multitude of things I have to do today done.

Wishing everyone else a great Wednesday! Enjoy the last 2 days of March and I'll see you in April!

Word Mojoless

I'm suffering from Blogger's block. There isn't anything much weighing on my mind lately other than "Will I get/stay pregnant this cycle?" and I'm not about to make posts based solely on "symptoms". We all know that they are just a load of hog-wash unless you hugging a toilet or are late. I highly doubt my nauseous feelings today (at 3-5dpo) could at all be indicative of being knocked-up (more likely I possibly had the flu or a bug as a coworker is out the week sick).

I could make another post about my dialogue with the PG-SIL. She got my last email and decided to IM me (something she hasn't done in about 6-10m). The conversation played out exactly as I thought it would. We did the 20 questions type thing as she asked how, what, when, where and why. It was quickly followed with "I did this" and "we found that this worked for me" and "You should check out opks to determine your O and confirm it with temping". Oh and "did they happen to give me an Rx for clomid?" because that worked for her. We then discussed various forms of progesterone. Apparently, my Master's degree isn't as sufficient a knowledge base as what she's learn the 4-5m before getting pregnant this time. She did have some helpful tips and tidbits about Rx pricing and insurance type things so I was able to come away from the session with something.

My mom called today to check in on me. She saw the link on FB I had up the other day and thought I was having a rough day and wanted to see how I was and all. Very sweet of her, and I greatly appreciated it. It does seem that people don't necessarily believe me when I tell them that we are doing well, considering, and are ready to move on from there. It's probably confusing to them that I've come to terms with my m/c but not with other people's pregnancies and babies. I can talk about the loss now without crying or getting very emotional, but stick me in a room with expectant or new mothers? I'll lose it. I'm pretty sure it's a "you had to be there" thing. If you haven't gone through a loss or a struggle to get pregnant, you won't get how I (we) react differently to rather similar things.

Last thing I can think to mention is how not only am I stumped and baffled by my early ovulation, my FF chart is also confused. My temp increase today has it thinking maybe I popped my egg on cd15 now, but gave me solid crosshairs for cd14 yesterday. Not sure why, but on medicated cycles, I have slow rises. It usually takes a day, maybe 3 for them to get to the elevated, thermal shift point. It is kind of amusing to be a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, surrounded by crazy and fertility-enhancing paraphernalia!

WTF?

So I think I may have ovulated? (And yes, I meant it as a question)

Each and every month that I've taken the Femara, I've ovulated on cd16. That's 5 consistent cycles of cd16 O. I would get a day or 2 of fertile CM around cd10, and then start the watery/EW around cd14, and it would continue until the day after O. I got O pains each and every time. My sex drive perks up, blah blah blah.

As expected, had some watery CM on cd11/12 at the end of last week. Then, my body throws me a curve ball and goes straight to EW. Still ok as it should continue on for the next several days and after O on cd16... Orrr just through the weekend, and my temp jumps up yesterday and today. Makes me super glad that I am a good and dutiful wife and gave the Hubs some lovin' even though I wasn't in BDing gear just yet! If we had waited for my usual O friskiness, we'd be sitting this 2ww out and waiting for April.

I have never (that I've had record of) ovulated before cd16. Not in the 9m of TTC, not in the 4m before that I was tracking my period and "ovulatory fluid". Never. Yet, here I sit, most likely 2dpo, but possibly 3, on CD16. Yup! I ovulated on the textbook cd14 it would seem. (I hope this results in a textbook pregnancy!) Now for the fun part- the 2ww and progesterone suppositories! High five? Anyone?

In other news, the PG-SIL emailed me back. Apparently, she's been having an hectic week due to some family issues and that delayed her response. She was sorry to know we had gone through "similar" experiences as they did and that I hadn't felt comfortable in using her as a support resource. Oh, and do I want her to RSVP for me for her shower, or do I want to contact the host personally?

O.O   Uh, I don't know, that was the whole point of the initial email. As for the support she could have offered- she most definitely could relate to the emotions of going through a miscarriage, that I don't doubt. I just don't think she would get that we needed help right out the gate, and pretty much were told we stood no chance outside of $$IVF$$, then to loose our miracle pregnancy just as quickly as it came. By the time we told anyone, we were both well on the road to healing. I'm not sure how much she could have helped at that point, to be honest. I'm not sure what knowledge she could have passed onto me about TTC or "infertility" at that point that I wasn't already aware of after these last 6m. We aren't exactly what I would consider "close", but the brothers are, so I'm more amicable to her than I am to the other SIL.

Now, I need to formulate my reply to her email without blowing my top and all. I can not tell her what I've written here without it screwing things up between us all again. I'll sleep on it and see what I come up with this time. Tomorrow looks to be a whirlwind of a day- (10hr work day, 4 interviewees to coordinate, SIL email, and that's only the things that are currently planned!

****************************************************

Update! I thought about my email quite a bit last night while I was laying in bed, unable to fall asleep. This is what I sent her this morning:

I'm sorry to hear that there are such stressful issues going on with your family. Hopefully, things get worked out soon for ya'll

As for the RSVP, I guess I can just tell [host] that I will most likely attend, but not 100% definite at the moment.

As for the miscarriage, [Hubs] and I felt that it was a personal thing that we should deal with together. We hadn't even told the parents until things ended and we had recovered. We have just recently reached the point that we are comfortable enough with it to discuss it with other people. I do appreciate your offer of support, though. I'm not sure how much info [Hubs] gave [BIL] about things, but reproductively, things ended up being difficult for us from the very start and only got harder the more testing we underwent. I can elaborate further if you'd really like to know the details.

New Directions

This post is unfortunately not a Glee reference, but the title fits and I love that it makes me think of Glee!

The last few days I've looked over the most recent several posts I've done. Why has anyone told me I've been a whining, complaining ball of meh? I realized I need to inject more positivity into this blog and my life as well. What I'd like to do I need help with as I'm not super good at this whole blog/website layout stuff.

I want to add link buttons/menu bar at the top of the page below the title banner. Make a few subpages. I see lots of blogs that have these and I have no clue how to put them on mine. Anyone that knows how or can point me in the right direction, I'd be eternally grateful!

I'd like to make a page that just has our TTC time line summed up for easy access for new readers and quick ref for others. I also want to make one where I have to put at least 1 positive, inspirational, or happy thought or action each and every day. I know I could just keep a journal for that, but I think the fact of putting it out where others can access it will not only make me feel more accountable for posting them, but maybe they will also help others who need a little glimmer of hope and happiness as well.

So those are the new directions I want to head in, but need some help getting there.

ps. 13dpo today. Waiting and seeing.

Today's post is brought to you by the #9

9
9 cycles.
9dpo.
and hey, 9pm (EST)!

I think I'm diving off the deep end this 2ww. The last 2 days have involved me flipping back and forth being optimistic and disappointed about this cycle. I could have sworn I would be finding an unwelcomed visitor on several different restroom breaks, but luckily didn't. I think I have symptoms and then I don't or think that I'm just imagining them. The only thing I can say for certain is I've had a lot of odd cramping, almost akin to ovulation pains, but kind of all over the belly area. Oh, and I almost forgot, I've been super warm off and on today and sweaty the past 3 nights. I can't recall if this happened last month or all of the past months I've taken the progesterone supplements.

I'm trying not to get my hopes too high or expect too much out of this cycle. but after 9 freaking cycles I'm ready to be pregnant already. I was talking with a TTC buddy I meet online (Hi Sheena!) about how if I had been lucky right out of the gate, I'd be due at the end of March. That is so unreal to me. How is it that I'm not pregnant by now?!

I really hope I get some insight of how things will turn out for cycle #9 by this weekend. It is far too pregnant people orientated for me to deal and not knowing or starting my period. Friday, we plan to attend a show by a friend's band. His wife found out at the start of Jan that she was pregnant, told me mid Jan, just a week or so before I got my positive. They had been not preventing for almost a year, but hadn't actually started trying. She's almost out of her 1st trimester by now. I'm not sure I can have a conversation with him without either holding back a floodgate of emotions or by drugging myself up with enough Xan.ax that I won't care.

Saturday. Oh god, Saturday. Hubby's folks are coming into town for a day or 2 to attend the SIL's 3d/4d ultrasound. She invited us to this, but 1) I really think this is a very private occasion, and 2) there is absolutely no way I can attend it without breaking down or blowing up. I'm sure to visit with the in-laws, we'll have to head over to her and BIL's house that evening and I'll have to either come clean to them or make up an excuse. The parents know the truth, so either way it's going to awkward. Then Saturday evening, a co-worker/friend is having a belated house-warming party. Belated because she gave birth the month after they moved in. Her daughter is adorable; I made a trip to their place a few weeks ago, after the m/c, and was ok. What will be difficult about this time is that there will be at a minimum 4 babies. That's right, FOUR, and 3 of those were "Holy cow! We were so surprised to have been pregnant. Totally unplanned!" If I could have assurance that it wasn't just going to be baby and new mommy talk, I'd go in a heartbeat. Somehow, I don't think that will be the case.

But in good news, the boy bought me a few little pots of strawberry plants to put in my plant hanger. I can't wait for the weather to stay warm so I can hang the planter outside and let the plants grow and supply me with a summer's worth of delicious, sweet fruits! My daffodils are exploding in the front yard. Everywhere, thanks to the previous owners. The trees are blooming and growing leaves. Things look to be turning green again and that makes me happy! Also, the baby animals are being born at work, and I got to have a closer than expected encounter with this little girl when she broke out of the pen.

Can I go home with you?

See! Even baby animals want me to be their mommy! This is totally a sign that I should be knocked up ASAP!

Sorta Super Sunday

Yesterday was a mostly good day. Slept pretty well. Woke up on my own (thanks pups!). Weather was nice, warmish and sunny. I even did a little, little bit of cleaning around the house. And since I was feeling ok and I'm a loving wife, I told the Boy we could go to his brother's to watch the Super Bowl. It didn't hurt that his brother sent me a message on AIM to see if I was feeling any better. He was glad that I was and genuinely happy that we were coming over that afternoon.

So once he got home, I showered and morphed into a normal looking human being, tossed back a Xanax in prep, and off we headed. I steeled myself for the inevitable nursery tour and baby and belly talk from the SIL. I was fine with the nursery- it was just painted walls as the crib arrived damaged. She didn't talk too much baby. The pizza dinner was alright. I'm not a huge fan of Pizza Hut, but hey, I didn't have to cook it. I had fun and loved, loved, loved playing with their 4m old lab puppy. I even gave them helpful pointers on teaching him how to start learning "shake". I could even say that I enjoyed the evening. There were only a few incidents that made me uncomfortable.

1 - We were discussing our mutual friends' pregnancy announcement. I had already dealt with it and I'm very happy for them. My BIL's comment ticked me off though. "Good to see that someone can still get knocked-up on accident. I had to give my wife shots in the @ss." My thoughts went like this - "1st, she got pregnant the her 1st month off BC and before your 1m wedding anniversary. 2nd, she chose the shots over suppositories because they were gross and awkward. 3rd, She has had endometriosis and while they weren't officially trying, they had not been preventing for almost 1yr and didn't know if she could have kids." Thankfully, Boy must have read my mind and mentioned that they had some issues and weren't sure they could have kids because of them, followed by a meek "Oh." from BIL.

2 - The Boy was being a typical uncle and goofing off with his step-nephew. We have an on-going joke between us about whose cat is the cooler, more awesome cat. Well, nephew told him that if Boy won their arm wrestling contest that he'd admit that our cat was cooler than his. Apparently, that really set off BIL, and he started talking about screwing around like that with our kids. It wasn't that he was upset or was going to do things like that with our kids. I'd expect other relatives to try and take advantage of kids' gullible nature. No, what got me was the thought we might not have kids to trick into things or play around with like that. Sigh...

3 - SIL made a passing comment of how she has to put a pillow on her lap as her new "desk" for her laptop as BIL doesn't like her putting it on her belly. He thinks it will overheat the baby. Maybe, I don't know. She then brought it back to TTC and how it is not recommended guys use laptops on their laps as it can boil the boys so to speak. Then went on about some more TTC info. That I did not want to hear and made me glad we hadn't told them we were TTC as she'd probably mention temping and ovulation tests and everything else we've already done.

But it was a pretty good Bowl game. The commercials were kinda lame, but I was over all entertained. I'm back to work today. Man, is it hard to wake up to an alarm you haven't heard in a whole week!

Public vs Private

I've thought about this quite a bit since yesterday. What we define as public and private aspects of our lives. It was initially brought up during our session with the therapist. (I'll give the back story for her at the end of the post.) We were discussing our fertility difficulties, my miscarriage and the various coping mechanisms we were using, well mostly that I've been using. I told her that I had started a blog in January and how I feel it has helped get out a lot of my thoughts and feelings. She commended me for writing these posts and mentioned the irony of how such a private person as myself would put these very private and personal feelings and experiences out into public where everyone could see them. It is almost laughable that we've practically told no one we know in person that we were even TTC and yet I'm broadcasting my miscarriage to the whole world online.

And in other ways, it is still very much private. Sure, the whole world can see what I've written. However, the only ones that actually choose to do so are in the very close-knit world of IF. Individuals that have gone and/or  are going through the same or worse difficulties, trying and trying to start or continue their families.

I don't think I have made anything in our TTC journey truly public. I blog here; I participate in a TTC forum, and we have told a very select few friends that we are trying. It took a lot of back and forth for us to even decide to do a full disclosure to the parents yesterday regarding trying, getting pregnant, getting un-pregnant, and continuing trying. I have not made a single reference to any of that on Facebook (other than the secret/private TTC group I'm in) or in emails or any of that.

It's a bit surreal and strange to me to think that I am far more comfortable telling complete strangers these intimate details than some of my closest friends and family. But yesterday fully illustrated why I chose to do so. Ya'll get it. Ya'll understand. I don't feel I have to explain myself or our actions or in-actions to you. You just get it and know and support. There isn't the 20,000 questions, the inane comments and speculation. I'm not telling the whole world about the inner workings of my reproductive organs and hormones, our sex life, and any other issues. I'm telling my fellow non-fertiles, people that have shared the same back with me as well as "the rest of the world".

I agree that I am a very private person and tend to keep most things to myself. I feel that even though I'm putting this all out on the web, it is still being kept private. I'm only telling my closest, most trust-worthy friends. I'm not just telling random people about these things. I'm telling ya'll.


**Therapist info- We started seeing a professional several years ago for couples counseling as we were having some marital troubles and issues. Started out with this male therapist, but he seemed a bit too touch-feely about things and we didn't think we'd make too much progress there. We started seeing our current professional about 2yrs ago, maybe 2.5yrs. She was able to get through a lot of the ugly truths of our problems and serious progress was made. We decided to continue to see her even after the initial issues we went there for were resolved. There is nothing better than just putting everything out there once a month, getting a different perspective on things and using that to continue to grow. She is probably the reason we are still happily married and we probably wouldn't be here or even have contemplated TTC with out her help. She was great in response to our loss and our coping mechanisms for it, and very supportive and  excited about our potential future offspring.

Not so Great Expectations

I'm rather disappointed. Everyone that we've talked with about things recently has been very understanding and supportive. No one offered me advice of what we should and how to do it. Maybe I was expecting too much? I don't even know what I was expecting, but it wasn't what I got.

I called my mom today and he called his. We clued them in that we have been TTC for the past 7mo, have been having several issues and pretty much wrote it off for a while. Then poof, I get pregnant then shortly miscarry. It was a bit awkward, more than a bit actually, but we got the expected "We're so sorry. Are ya'll doing ok?". I even expected them to have a hunch that things were going on in the family making dept with us.

What I did not expect was for both of them to tell us that it will happen when it is meant to happen and not to stress about it or try too hard. After we told them we had been having difficulties, were seeing Drs about it and weren't expecting it to actually happen. At least his mom got it the 2nd time around. Mine still felt the need to tell me about so-and-so who got pregnant after 4yrs and Drs the month that they didn't try and just relaxed. They did, unfortunately, immediately compare it to my sister-IL's miscarriage following her 1st cycle just off birth control, and her low progesterone problems. When the Boy explained that the RE didn't even think we could on our own and IVF was previously our only real option, they asked why we just didn't do that then. Because we don't have $10k just sitting around to pay for the chance of a baby. If we did, our 1 dog would have had her knee surgery by now, the cars would be paid off and we'd have no credit card debt.

I don't know what I was really expecting from them, but I was a bit shocked at what we got. They were all fairly understanding and concerned, but their suggestions and input after that left a lot to be desired. They didn't even seem phased about being the 1st people in real life that we've told about getting pregnant and losing it. It does make me feel better about not telling lots of people that are close to us. If our parents don't quite get it, how likely are friends and other family members? Let's just hope that they can keep to their promises of not discussing it with anyone or continually checking in on our TTC efforts. Fingers Crossed.

Dealing and Healing

I know this process is different for every woman and every pregnancy. Thankfully, I can say I'm doing alright. Not great, but ok. Monday, I was a complete and total wreck after that fated call back. I called and told Chris the bad news, and cried in the stairwell. Pulled myself together enough to make it back to the scope room and battled tears, anger, hurt, loss, and almost every other emotion under the sun for the next 3.5hrs. Then, I realized I couldn't stay in that room for the rest of the day. Crap. I'm an ugly crier. As soon as the tears start, my eyes and nose turn red. Not pink, or anything, straight up red! And my eyes get super puffy and swollen. Ugh. I could not leave that room looking like this. The only thing I could use was some ethanol on a tissue to cool my angry red, swollen eyelids and nose, hopefully enough to not look like I've spend the last 2hrs bawling alone in the dark.

It have some what worked because I was able to make it to my shared office, go in my purse and take an nice Xanax pill along with some ibuprofen without anyone mentioned anything or asking if I was ok. Oh, I forgot to mention that crying gives me intense headaches. So for the rest of the work day, i was able to be blissfully numb enough to pretend I was fine. I can not say that lasted once I got home though. After hugging and kissing my fantastic husband, I swung wildly from very sad, to wanting to be violently angry. I wanted to break something, to scream, to get all the pain, anguish and emptiness that was inside me out. I had a glass and a half of wine, don't remember what I ate, and my laptop. After several hours of tears and snot streaming down my face, multiple updates to people and groups online,  we headed to bed. Oh, I forgot to mention that our propane tank ran empty Monday morning and we had no heat until the next day.

I woke up Tuesday, still sad, but far far more stable and on the mend emotionally. And swollen. I could have been a face double for Rocky at the end of a fight, minus the blood though. My face hurt. More than my heart and more than the rest of my body. I spend the whole day in bed. Except for a few excursions to the restroom and a time or two to other rooms, I was in the bed, in pjs, ALL day long. I researched what to expect during a miscarriage, after a miscarriage, how other people dealt, how they felt, and I wrote. I wrote a blog post. I wrote to other women I knew that had gone through it. I wrote to my boss, briefly, about it all and how it would affect my work. I emailed, and Facebooked, and instant messaged. I got it out in a much healthier way than the night before. I was pulling through. Dealing with the emotional and mental aspects and healing.

Things have been picking up on the physical side of things, but aren't horrible. Much stronger cramping and aches than a normal period and just different, but not agonizing. My RE must have forgot to mention it or thought it was common sense, but I did not know that tampons are a NO-NO for miscarriage bleeding. Oops! Totally a learning process here. All of it is a process. There is no right way or wrong way of feeling or dealing or healing. It just is and that's perfectly fine. I do recommend some Tylenol or Advil or something though. Lifesavers, they are.

Today, things continue. Life is still going on, moving forward. I feel ok today as well. The talking and typing have helped. The sharing my feelings, both physical and not, is allowing me to keep on keeping on. I've accepted my loss, that the baby wasn't to be, and am thankful that it happened sooner rather than later. While not fully healed, emotionally or physically, I'm looking forward. We both agreed to keep trying right away. The Dr said to wait a cycle, but I think that is just for dating the pregnancy. If I happen to ovulate in a timely manner and we happen to feel like trying, I think I'd be ok if we happen to get pregnant again or even if it doesn't happen. I won't be taking the letrozole/femara this cycle and I haven't decided about the progesterone, but probably not. We'll just have to see. In the meantime, I'm taking things day by day and being content with just being ok.