Oh, Snap...

"We interrupt your regularly scheduled blog post to bring you some late breaking news."

I know I said I'd be posting about the blog awards today. For now, I'm just going to thank Jen over at The Chronicles of Violetta Margarita, Ashlee at Savor the Moment and Amanda at Our Fertility Journey for the awards. I'll do the other requirements later! Promise!

There is pregnancy test and symptoms talk down below. If you don't want to read on, I completely understand and might even do the same if I was reading this.

I'm home from work today, nursing a killer headache that hit me yesterday afternoon and hasn't left yet in spite of the Tylenol and Ibuprofen I've taken. On top of that, my chesticles (I love the Boy and his made up words!) have been achy and hurting the last several days, I've been having cramps that span down low and pinch on both sides, and then there is that pressure feeling at the back of my throat. All since Monday. When my temp dropped.

I've been spending more time trying to explain them away than looking for new symptoms. I've really tried hard not to read anything into them. We all know how our bodies hate us and like to play tricks with our minds. I don't believe in any of the things I've been feeling.

Because I'm scared. Petrified, really.

I took a test this afternoon, confident that nothing would show up. Heck, it wasn't 1st morning urine and I'm only 9dpo. It's far too early for anything to show up and my pee couldn't be concentrated enough if there was. I took it to prove to myself and my body that there is no way I could be pregnant. I had a huge cyst on my right ovary and I didn't take any of my Ov stims. My temp hasn't really rebounded from Monday.

I peed on that plastic stick (one of the 3-pack I bought last cycle b/c the cyst was making me think I was pregnant) and stuck it right back in the wrapper. I set it on the coffee table while I started to write the Blow Award post.

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The faintest of lines is there. Even lighter than the 1st test in January. A hair of a pink-tinged line. This has to be my imagination. There is no way. Maybe it's just the antibody line that I'm seeing? An evap line? In the time limit?

I posted it up on can you see a line.com (don't click the link if you don't want to see a pee-soaked stick). It's 7 for 7 right now on "Positive" votes. I think I am going to throw-up. Not in a morning sickness kind of way, either. In a sheer terror/anxiety sort of way. I had to talk myself up and still hesitated when I went to let the Boy know I had tested, even though I had said I wouldn't unless my period didn't show.

I can't really even say I'm excited or tentatively optimistic. I'm stunned, in disbelief, and most of all scared. I am so very afraid I'll loose this one too, if the line isn't a lie. I'm scared that all the IF friends I've made are going to turn away. I mean I'm barely an Infertile at 10m/11cycles in to TTC. I'm afraid that maybe the line is all in my imagination, and I'll never get pregnant again.

Right now, all I feel is fear.

Is a line a line, truly a line?

Warning: This post may contain incoherent ramblings.

I slept like crud last night. Between the anxiety and the physical discomfort I was feeling, I was awake about as much as I was asleep. My joints are achy and  my boobs were very uncomfortable when laying on my sides. Laying on my back or stomach was out of the question as that made the queasy/nauseous feeling worse. Come 6:30am, I couldn't stay asleep.

I had been debating testing since Tuesday. Was that bleeding on Monday possibly implantation? Were these "symptoms" I was having real or just all in my head and I was just hoping they were real? Yesterday, the queasy feeling at the back of my throat was still there as was the dizziness/headache. I had a bit more bleeding, and could swear I was minutes away from starting thanks to the bubbly, crampy feeling in my belly. It too was just an isolated incident and I haven't seen anymore since. Last night, I started having a heavy feeling in my upper chest, just above my bra. The girls were not comfortable. I hymned and hawed about testing or just waiting until my blood draw on Friday morning. I want to know so badly if I'm pregnant or just plain nuts.

So 6:30am, and I'm up today. Just out of curiosity, I temp. 98.7. Way above my coverline of 97.9. I go and use the bathroom. I collect a bit of pee in my Testing cup (c). You know, just in case. And then I pace. Should I? Should I test? Should I wait? Should I stop talking to myself? And then I just go for it. I take 1 of my 3 First Response Early Response (FRER in TTC lingo) tests and I dunk it for the required 5 seconds. I cap it, set it down, and resume pacing. My mind is racing. The tension in our small bath is nail-biting, and I was too.

At the 3min mark (in my head), I pick the test up. I squint. I panic. I squint and tilt the test some more. My heart is about to pound out of my chest. And this is why:

There is a hint of a line. A faint pink 2nd line. I've never ever seen one of these of my own. Usually, they are pure white, as white as snow. Nothing has ever shown up in that testing zone, no shadow, no evaporation line, nothing. My hands are trembling as I hold the test in disbelief. I start to choke up. Dumbfounded, I turn and walk back to the bed. I sit down beside the husband I adore more than anything else. I nudge him a wake. Then, I hand him the test, the stick with my pee on it, as if it was normal, hands still shaking.  "Turn on your light."  "What? Ok. What's this?"  "I took a test."  "There's a dark line and a faint line. What does that mean?"

I just grin like a psychotic lunatic. And I start crying and I'm covering my mouth for some crazy reason. All I can think is Oh. My. God. ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm pregnant. I... I am pregnant. And I'm sitting there, spazzing out on my husband. Hugging him. Kissing him. Trembling and tearing up. A complete freaking basket case. For almost 10min.

I've called an rescheduled my blood draw for today. At 10am, to be exact. By this afternoon, I'll know for sure whether or not I'm pregnant, what my hCG levels are, as well as my progesterone levels to see if the supps are helping and what the plan will be for the next several weeks. Looks like we went to Vegas, rolled the dice, and hit the jackpot. Our "minimal chance" may just have happened...

UPDATE: I was impatiently being forced to wait for the call about my results between 1-4pm, that was 2-5 hrs after getting home I had to watch the clock and check my phone and try not to totally lose it! So I attempted to nap at noon and eventually conked out, my phone tightly nestled against my chest. Wake up at 2:15p. While it did help the time magically go by, still no call and I had almost 2 more hrs I could be waiting, clutching my phone like it was the last piece of bread on Earth.

3:23pm. My phone rings. It's them! It's the RE's office! I scramble to answer the phone, hurriedly saying hello, only to hear someone being cut off as my phone drops the call! Utter dispair! I spend the next minute praying and whispering "Please call back, please, please call back." 3:25pm. My phone rings again. It's them! I start blathering on about how my phone dropped the call and such. Then the nurse gets down to business. "Well, I just wanted to let you know that your levels came back. They are positive for pregnancy at 24mIU/ml. Your progesterone is at 16mIU/ml." Thankfully, I wrote those down like an absent-minded robot, because I got stuck on the positive for pregnancy part.

While those numbers may seem kinda low to most people, I'm thrilled. I actually have some hCG in my system and  my progesterone is greater than 10! I have to keep taking the supplements but I don't care if that's all it takes. I realize I haven't peed at all today since that 1st test this morning. So 6hrs later, I use my Testing cup (c) and a 2nd FRER. The 2nd line is still faint, but a bit darker than before. Hot Diggity! I'm Pregnant. The month I gave up and didn't even think it was a possibility, the month I was totally unprepared for a positive was the month I got it. Go figure!

While I'm beyond excited and happy, I know not to take it for granted. There is so much that can happen between now and that 1st ultrasound, now and the 2nd trimester, and between now and my Due date (which is Oct 6th, by the way). I'm giving myself this day to act like a doofus and be a giggly, giddy little girl. Just today because tomorrow the worry sets in and I don't see it leaving anytime in the next 18yrs or so.