I've been a bad, bad blogger and just about as poor a commenter. "I've been tired" just seems like a lame, cop-out excuse to me. So to catch everyone up on what's been going on my world (because on top of exhaustion, I actually did do some stuff!), I'm going to do a rambling, hopefully brief run-through of my life recently.
Both mothers have been hounding me about when they can tell every imaginable person about their soon-to-be newest grandchild. They still don't quite understand my hesitance but have respected my wishes to this point. I told them that I'll only hold them to secrecy until after the 12wk appt for the nuchal scan and bloodwork. I don't plan on telling the rest of the world just yet, but I don't think it is fair to demand they contain their excitement until I feel ready. That may not be until there is a real, honest to goodness baby in my arms.
Towards the end of last week the nausea was subsiding, and in my jubilation, I treated myself to a McD's egg and cheese biscuit and hash browns on Friday. I've been wanted one for weeks, and it was delicious! Unfortunately, it ended in tragedy as I got to re-experience them a few hours later in the restroom stall at work, 20min before a meeting with my boss. So glad I told him prior. I could not mask my obvious "delicate state", at least not with my face drained of color and the random pauses in convo I had to make to settle myself. Half day of work for me thanks to my 1st puke of this pregnancy.
My little sister came into town Friday-Sunday and stayed with us. It was fun hanging with her and catching up on life. We carpooled to the Zoo on Sunday for our family trip on Father's day. It was tons of fun and the weather didn't get too miserable. The kids were too adorable to watch as they took in all the sights and animals. I took a few rounds on stroller duty and was told that I should get my practice in now. Hello! I've pushed strollers before, numerous times. Just because I'm pregnant now doesn't mean I forgot how to do so! All in all, a really good day spent with family and playing with toddlers.
I've been using my doppler nightly/every other night for a few minutes. Just long enough to find and enjoy the relaxing rhythm that reassures me that something is still kicking away in there!
I've officially tapered off the PIO. It was a nerve-wracking week and a half/2wks. My rear end couldn't be happier, but my toilet paper inspection has elevated to another level of insanity. Coincidentally, I have a 1/2 full vial and a 2nd full vial (given to me by PG-SIL) of PIO along with countless syringes, needles and injection periphenalia that I have no clue what to do with at this point. As they've been opened and used, I know I can't donate them to the RE's clinic.
I also had a few infertile freak-out moments on Sunday while we were over at BIL/PG-SIL's house. As she is on maternity leave, not entirely enjoying her colicky daughter, she's been watching lots of TLC shows and the like (Freak-out#1 - Are you seriously complaining about your baby crying all the time and the only thing that soothes her is nursing? Just nurse her, even if you think she has "had enough to eat" for Kermit's sake!). This includes the Dug.gar's show on their umpteen children. The oldest son and his wife just found out they were expecting their 2nd on their daughter's 1st birthday (Freak-out#2 - Seriously!? PG again that soon?!). They told their family and friends at the birthday party a few days later (WTF!?!). THEN!! went on live television on the To.day show and announced it to the whole world. At 7w. SEVEN WEEKS!! I about lost my sh1t. I'm officially 11w today, and I haven't told anyone outside of my immediate family, 2 close couple friends, and my boss. That's it. I don't even know when I'll tell anyone else or if I'll even say anything. Maybe I can just wait until they ask why I look like I'm smuggling a beach ball around?
The other infertile moment I had Sunday was when B&SIL mentioned about what we have to look forward to in a few months. Me - "I hope so, assuming everything actually works out until then." No response from them. I'm not sure if they even realized that I'm not fully comfortable in my pregnancy, that I don't 100% believe that pregnancy = leaving the hospital with a baby. I'm not and I'm not sure when/if I'll be more confident that everything will work out perfectly.
Lastly, I registered for prenatal/birth education and yoga classes at the hospital. Yikes. The info the OB's office said to register for things in the 1st tri for your 3rd as classes fill up. The Type A planner in me had to stick to those guidelines. I don't want to miss my opportunity to take these classes and get the tour of the hospital and wards! It felt incredibly weird and terrifying, almost like I was tempting fate, when I hit that "submit" button.
So that wasn't really brief, but that's been Me for the last while. Now, I'm going to take my pre-bedtime nap.
Showing posts with label Symptoms. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Symptoms. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Caving
I caved. I gave into the fear. I admitted it and just gave into it.
I've purchased a home fetal doppler. It should be here tomorrow.
I thought I could be strong and just make it to my next appt at the end of the month. Heck, millions of women don't even get to see the baby on ultrasound until this point. I've already seen it twice.
And yet, millions of women get early ultrasounds and have already heard the heartbeat several times by now. I feel left out. Sure, I've got 2 really good u/s with things being just as they should and measuring right on target. But I've only seen the flicker of that little heart. I haven't experienced the the woosh-woosh-wooosh that so many women, both fertile and not-so-fertile alike, have had the joy of experiencing. I can't wait 23 more days for that.
I know I may not hear it right away, but it is completely likely that I'll hear it before my next appt. According to the Ob I saw on Thursday, my uterus is tipped forward. Maybe that will make it easier to pick up sooner? All I know is I'm very eagerly awaiting the arrival of the $56 piece of equipment. My birthday gift to myself.
In other news, my "morning" sickness has amped up a bit more the last few days to the point I have made Contingency Plans in case I need to up-chuck during work hours. I've come to terms with having to actually use the bathrooms at work these days, but I don't know if I can bring myself to get face to face with them.
Also, it seems that my ALT and AST liver function levels are slightly elevated. I go in for a redraw/recheck next Monday. This worries me a bit. I found out from the boss when I filled him in on my "condition" that one of the lab members has Hep B. My blood work came back negative for Hep B, but still... On top of that, the Boy received a blood transfusion during an operation as a little baby. Yes, before 1982. He had "elevated" liver enzyme levels from a function test years and years ago, while we were dating. An Internalist said most likely Hep C, but didn't take into account several of his medications that impact liver function. His neurologist hasn't raised any concerns over these levels before, as he monitors them for medicinal toxicity. I know I'm probably freaking out for no reason, but yikes. I mean, it is obvious we had unprotected sex (duh!) so I could have contracted Hep C if he actually did have it. Just like everything else on this journey, I'll just have to wait and see.
I've purchased a home fetal doppler. It should be here tomorrow.
I thought I could be strong and just make it to my next appt at the end of the month. Heck, millions of women don't even get to see the baby on ultrasound until this point. I've already seen it twice.
And yet, millions of women get early ultrasounds and have already heard the heartbeat several times by now. I feel left out. Sure, I've got 2 really good u/s with things being just as they should and measuring right on target. But I've only seen the flicker of that little heart. I haven't experienced the the woosh-woosh-wooosh that so many women, both fertile and not-so-fertile alike, have had the joy of experiencing. I can't wait 23 more days for that.
I know I may not hear it right away, but it is completely likely that I'll hear it before my next appt. According to the Ob I saw on Thursday, my uterus is tipped forward. Maybe that will make it easier to pick up sooner? All I know is I'm very eagerly awaiting the arrival of the $56 piece of equipment. My birthday gift to myself.
In other news, my "morning" sickness has amped up a bit more the last few days to the point I have made Contingency Plans in case I need to up-chuck during work hours. I've come to terms with having to actually use the bathrooms at work these days, but I don't know if I can bring myself to get face to face with them.
Also, it seems that my ALT and AST liver function levels are slightly elevated. I go in for a redraw/recheck next Monday. This worries me a bit. I found out from the boss when I filled him in on my "condition" that one of the lab members has Hep B. My blood work came back negative for Hep B, but still... On top of that, the Boy received a blood transfusion during an operation as a little baby. Yes, before 1982. He had "elevated" liver enzyme levels from a function test years and years ago, while we were dating. An Internalist said most likely Hep C, but didn't take into account several of his medications that impact liver function. His neurologist hasn't raised any concerns over these levels before, as he monitors them for medicinal toxicity. I know I'm probably freaking out for no reason, but yikes. I mean, it is obvious we had unprotected sex (duh!) so I could have contracted Hep C if he actually did have it. Just like everything else on this journey, I'll just have to wait and see.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
I can't even think of a good title
I feel like such a bad blogger. I've been meaning to post an update about the days I was at my parents and my family's reactions. Things just kept coming up, but mostly, I just kept laying down. I feel horrible posting my symptoms because it feels like I'm complaining about them. I'm really not! I truly hope no one thinks for one second that I am not thankful for every dry heave, cramp, bathroom trip or lack thereof, and headache. Because I am so very thankful and almost relish how strong these things are at times.
They aren't glamorous. They aren't fun. They do make me feel pretty crappy.
But I wouldn't wish them away for anything! Except for maybe an accurate crystal ball or a window straight into there so I could actually see that everything was going great at any time I wanted. Every single time I find myself having to focus on not revisiting what I last ate or how uncomfortable I may feel, I mentally thank my little, growing worm for being so strong and healthy to make me feel this way.
My greatest fear right now is that my body is/will send me all these "reassuring" signals and going forward with things, but my little worm has stopped. Just thinking that a) the baby has gone, or b) all this is for nothing, is almost too much for me to even handle. Thankfully, these thoughts are usually soon followed by the need to pee or some other fluid related bodily function and I'm back to thanking the baby for them again.
Since I've graduated from the RE, have had good blood work and, now, a good ultrasound at my Ob's office, I'm not having any further (medical) reassurance for another 4wks. I know that if something happens or I desperately need it, I could call and schedule another appt or u/s, but I really really don't want to be one of "those" patients - the crazy, bothersome, overly worrisome, pregnant women that thinks the world revolves around their uterus. So until June 30th, I'm just going to take as much continued comfort in the morning-noon-night sickness, the dry heaves, the smells/food aversions, all the bathroom situations, wild emotions, and everything else my body decides it wants to add to the mix. They are signs of a healthy pregnancy, what I've been striving for since last July. They are the gifts from my baby. I will appreciate them as much as I do that little life growing like a weed inside me.
They aren't glamorous. They aren't fun. They do make me feel pretty crappy.
But I wouldn't wish them away for anything! Except for maybe an accurate crystal ball or a window straight into there so I could actually see that everything was going great at any time I wanted. Every single time I find myself having to focus on not revisiting what I last ate or how uncomfortable I may feel, I mentally thank my little, growing worm for being so strong and healthy to make me feel this way.
My greatest fear right now is that my body is/will send me all these "reassuring" signals and going forward with things, but my little worm has stopped. Just thinking that a) the baby has gone, or b) all this is for nothing, is almost too much for me to even handle. Thankfully, these thoughts are usually soon followed by the need to pee or some other fluid related bodily function and I'm back to thanking the baby for them again.
Since I've graduated from the RE, have had good blood work and, now, a good ultrasound at my Ob's office, I'm not having any further (medical) reassurance for another 4wks. I know that if something happens or I desperately need it, I could call and schedule another appt or u/s, but I really really don't want to be one of "those" patients - the crazy, bothersome, overly worrisome, pregnant women that thinks the world revolves around their uterus. So until June 30th, I'm just going to take as much continued comfort in the morning-noon-night sickness, the dry heaves, the smells/food aversions, all the bathroom situations, wild emotions, and everything else my body decides it wants to add to the mix. They are signs of a healthy pregnancy, what I've been striving for since last July. They are the gifts from my baby. I will appreciate them as much as I do that little life growing like a weed inside me.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
A far too pregnancy-centric post
Happy belated ICLW! I've been a very bad blogger/commenter this go round. There has definitely been a lot going on here, but that really shouldn't be an excuse!
What a whirlwind weekend it was! The reveal to his parents was great! Telling his grandma was good. On a trip to hit the beach for a bit with the PG-friend, filled her in about it. Grandma spilled the beans before we could when his sister and niece came over later on Sunday. PG-SIL and BIL were in disbelief and then excited. The friends watching our Cricket patient for the weekend were surprised, shocked, but happy. Things were good. There were several people that know that we hadn't planned on telling, but thanks to family members, the word was out.
It does seem like the theme for reactions was shock and disbelief at first! Good to know we weren't the only ones dumb-founded! There was far more pregnancy talk than I had expected with the family. I'm not sure why, but I didn't think it would monopolize the conversations all weekend. I guess women that have had kids/been pregnant really like to get all the details about other's pregnancies and symptoms and fill them in on theirs?
Speaking of symptoms, the main ones I'm having are bloating (the jeans have already been unbuttoned!), extreme fatigue to the point that a fell asleep in-the-middle of a conversation, and full-on morning-noon-night sickness. I try not to complain about that one, but it is really hard when nothing makes you feel better and you're at the verge of throwing up, but just not quite there. My foods of choice that don't having me wanting to hurl are the less desirable food groups - fried, greasy, cheesy, salty. I'm sustaining on tacos, enchiladas, tortilla chips, McD hashbrowns, apple juice and attempts with ginger ale.
I have tried all the "tricks" that people have told me - eat before getting out of bed, saltines, ginger ale, always have something on your stomach, protein, starches, what meds to take and when- but all to no real improvement. I don't think it is bad enough to the point to need a Rx for something (yet). I'm just looking for some simple things that can help ease it. I have been informed about a few items that I think are worth checking out - Queasy/Preg drops, sour candies, and pedialyte. Any of you ladies out there have any other good suggestions?!? I'll be asking my Ob about it at my appt on Thursday. I have no problem if I just have to deal with it, but would love it if there was something to ease it a bit. I'm not looking to completely cure it or prevent it, just to bring it down a few notches.
Because I've been feeling so ill, and it is obviously starting to impact my job a bit, I came clean to my boss as well. I didn't want anyone thinking that I'm slacking off when I disappear for stretches of time or just sit at my desk sipping juice or when I come in late or leave early. He was very happy for us, asked if I've told anyone else in the lab (I haven't) and kinda gave me some pointers about what I should and shouldn't do in the lab (which I already knew). He did have to break some confidentiality and fill me in that one of the lab members has Hep B, but he did it with the best intentions. He knows I'd be the 1st person there helping if they got sick or hurt, and he didn't want me to expose "us" to the hazard. He also recommended I give the other PI in the lab a heads up about my delays and breaks, not to tell her I'm pregnant (unless I want to, which I don't) but just to let her know for time/record keeping purposes that I have stuff going on "medically" as he put it.
In other exciting and happy news- I'm an aunt again for the 13th time. PG-SIL went into labor just hours after we left their place on Sunday night, 2 days over her due date. She had feared having to do another cesearian but had given up that the baby was going to decide to come on her own. Surprise! After visiting the 3 of them yesterday evening, her "daydream" of giving birth naturally wasn't quite the glamorous experience she thought it would be. Apparently, contractions can be really painful, labor can be extremely exhausting, and there is lots of bodily fluids involved. Who knew?!? But everyone is doing well, is healthy, happy, and very tired.
Now, I'm just eagerly awaiting my appt on Thursday and the dinner/get together that the Boy is planning to celebrate my birthday (on Friday, the day after). An then on to telling my family this coming weekend. I need to figure out how we'll be cluing them in!
*************
What a whirlwind weekend it was! The reveal to his parents was great! Telling his grandma was good. On a trip to hit the beach for a bit with the PG-friend, filled her in about it. Grandma spilled the beans before we could when his sister and niece came over later on Sunday. PG-SIL and BIL were in disbelief and then excited. The friends watching our Cricket patient for the weekend were surprised, shocked, but happy. Things were good. There were several people that know that we hadn't planned on telling, but thanks to family members, the word was out.
It does seem like the theme for reactions was shock and disbelief at first! Good to know we weren't the only ones dumb-founded! There was far more pregnancy talk than I had expected with the family. I'm not sure why, but I didn't think it would monopolize the conversations all weekend. I guess women that have had kids/been pregnant really like to get all the details about other's pregnancies and symptoms and fill them in on theirs?
Speaking of symptoms, the main ones I'm having are bloating (the jeans have already been unbuttoned!), extreme fatigue to the point that a fell asleep in-the-middle of a conversation, and full-on morning-noon-night sickness. I try not to complain about that one, but it is really hard when nothing makes you feel better and you're at the verge of throwing up, but just not quite there. My foods of choice that don't having me wanting to hurl are the less desirable food groups - fried, greasy, cheesy, salty. I'm sustaining on tacos, enchiladas, tortilla chips, McD hashbrowns, apple juice and attempts with ginger ale.
I have tried all the "tricks" that people have told me - eat before getting out of bed, saltines, ginger ale, always have something on your stomach, protein, starches, what meds to take and when- but all to no real improvement. I don't think it is bad enough to the point to need a Rx for something (yet). I'm just looking for some simple things that can help ease it. I have been informed about a few items that I think are worth checking out - Queasy/Preg drops, sour candies, and pedialyte. Any of you ladies out there have any other good suggestions?!? I'll be asking my Ob about it at my appt on Thursday. I have no problem if I just have to deal with it, but would love it if there was something to ease it a bit. I'm not looking to completely cure it or prevent it, just to bring it down a few notches.
Because I've been feeling so ill, and it is obviously starting to impact my job a bit, I came clean to my boss as well. I didn't want anyone thinking that I'm slacking off when I disappear for stretches of time or just sit at my desk sipping juice or when I come in late or leave early. He was very happy for us, asked if I've told anyone else in the lab (I haven't) and kinda gave me some pointers about what I should and shouldn't do in the lab (which I already knew). He did have to break some confidentiality and fill me in that one of the lab members has Hep B, but he did it with the best intentions. He knows I'd be the 1st person there helping if they got sick or hurt, and he didn't want me to expose "us" to the hazard. He also recommended I give the other PI in the lab a heads up about my delays and breaks, not to tell her I'm pregnant (unless I want to, which I don't) but just to let her know for time/record keeping purposes that I have stuff going on "medically" as he put it.
In other exciting and happy news- I'm an aunt again for the 13th time. PG-SIL went into labor just hours after we left their place on Sunday night, 2 days over her due date. She had feared having to do another cesearian but had given up that the baby was going to decide to come on her own. Surprise! After visiting the 3 of them yesterday evening, her "daydream" of giving birth naturally wasn't quite the glamorous experience she thought it would be. Apparently, contractions can be really painful, labor can be extremely exhausting, and there is lots of bodily fluids involved. Who knew?!? But everyone is doing well, is healthy, happy, and very tired.
Now, I'm just eagerly awaiting my appt on Thursday and the dinner/get together that the Boy is planning to celebrate my birthday (on Friday, the day after). An then on to telling my family this coming weekend. I need to figure out how we'll be cluing them in!
Friday, May 13, 2011
Pendulous
I first want to thank all of you for your kind words of hope and encouragement! I've been going back and reading them again and again any time I've been feeling a bit melancholy or pessimistic. Right now, ya'll are the only people that know other than the Boy and the PG friend that had a m/c and shares my 1st due date. It is the best feeling to know that there are so many people that I can turn to right now that understand practically everything I'm experiencing right now and have either advice or sweet words to offer. Thank you, thank you, thank you from the absolute bottom of my heart!
Life is a bit like a pendulum right now. Swinging from one thing to another, back and forth. I go from thinking everything will work out just fine this time to waiting for it all to end in the blink of an eye. Some days, I can't help but marvel at the changes that are/could be occurring within me right then and there. Other days, I still feel the immense distrust and frustration at my body. I don't know if it is actually doing its job this time or if it is just keeping the rouse up so I don't beat it again.
I want to make plans and think of the future with the zeal that the Boy is starting to experience and wants to share. We are thinking of telling just the parents at some point shortly after the u/s on Tuesday, if all is well. By we, I mean him. I really would feel much better waiting until after the 2nd u/s at ~8wks or even after the 1st trimester. I don't think that is fair to our parents though.
There are instances this week where I've realized that I've been daydreaming of what the u/s would be like. Keep in mind that my only experience with u/s have been to place my IUD and to scan for follicles. In my head, I'm seeing us going in, my husband holding my hand. We see and hear (not too likely at 6wks, I know) the heartbeat and see the baby moving around. The Drs and nurses are super happy for us. We hold each other crying tears of joy and disbelief. Unfortunately, there have been an equal number of times that I've had day-mares that we go for the u/s and there's absolutely nothing there or the start of a baby that stopped.
I also find myself willing and wishing time away for Tuesday to arrive ASAP. And at the same time, I'm strangely enjoying the time that I can at least pretend to naively hope and think that things are perfect and there is a fantastic, happy, healthy baby (or 2) in there, swimming around. Those moments are fleeting, but are probably some of the happiest times I've had in quite a while, in all honest.
For now, I'm ok with being 50/50 and straddling the fence on the turn out. There is nothing I can do to sway things one way or the other, so there is little use in fretting over it all so much. I'm doing my best to find the joy and peace in each and every one of my symptoms and pregnancy "discomforts" as I have them. I'm happy to feel like a goat or cow and constantly nibbling on things or having 2nd helpings as I always feel hungry. I get a sick sense of pleasure in the onset or heightening of the nausea at the back of my throat. I even smile when I use the bathroom, now twice as often as I use to, and see the CM that falls into the toilet and collects in my underwear. When I can't sleep at night after dreaming of a nap all day, I lay there and listen to my own heartbeat and imagine what could be growing and how it is developing there in my abdomen. I don't mind the soreness in my backside and hips thanks to the 25G, 1.5" needles I have to use each night. Each time I feel the ache, it reminds me what it is all for and seems a measly price to pay for the reward.
I promise to do everything in my powers to continue to feel so blessed with all the "undesirable" things that come with pregnancy. If I even seem to be complaining about any sort of physical discomfort or inconvenience, I absolutely want one of you ladies to smack me around and bring me back to my senses. I completely recognize how amazing ans special a gift I have been given here.
And more than anything, I wish there was something, anything I could do to give that same gift to each and every one of you ladies that have had to go through IF.
Life is a bit like a pendulum right now. Swinging from one thing to another, back and forth. I go from thinking everything will work out just fine this time to waiting for it all to end in the blink of an eye. Some days, I can't help but marvel at the changes that are/could be occurring within me right then and there. Other days, I still feel the immense distrust and frustration at my body. I don't know if it is actually doing its job this time or if it is just keeping the rouse up so I don't beat it again.
I want to make plans and think of the future with the zeal that the Boy is starting to experience and wants to share. We are thinking of telling just the parents at some point shortly after the u/s on Tuesday, if all is well. By we, I mean him. I really would feel much better waiting until after the 2nd u/s at ~8wks or even after the 1st trimester. I don't think that is fair to our parents though.
There are instances this week where I've realized that I've been daydreaming of what the u/s would be like. Keep in mind that my only experience with u/s have been to place my IUD and to scan for follicles. In my head, I'm seeing us going in, my husband holding my hand. We see and hear (not too likely at 6wks, I know) the heartbeat and see the baby moving around. The Drs and nurses are super happy for us. We hold each other crying tears of joy and disbelief. Unfortunately, there have been an equal number of times that I've had day-mares that we go for the u/s and there's absolutely nothing there or the start of a baby that stopped.
I also find myself willing and wishing time away for Tuesday to arrive ASAP. And at the same time, I'm strangely enjoying the time that I can at least pretend to naively hope and think that things are perfect and there is a fantastic, happy, healthy baby (or 2) in there, swimming around. Those moments are fleeting, but are probably some of the happiest times I've had in quite a while, in all honest.
For now, I'm ok with being 50/50 and straddling the fence on the turn out. There is nothing I can do to sway things one way or the other, so there is little use in fretting over it all so much. I'm doing my best to find the joy and peace in each and every one of my symptoms and pregnancy "discomforts" as I have them. I'm happy to feel like a goat or cow and constantly nibbling on things or having 2nd helpings as I always feel hungry. I get a sick sense of pleasure in the onset or heightening of the nausea at the back of my throat. I even smile when I use the bathroom, now twice as often as I use to, and see the CM that falls into the toilet and collects in my underwear. When I can't sleep at night after dreaming of a nap all day, I lay there and listen to my own heartbeat and imagine what could be growing and how it is developing there in my abdomen. I don't mind the soreness in my backside and hips thanks to the 25G, 1.5" needles I have to use each night. Each time I feel the ache, it reminds me what it is all for and seems a measly price to pay for the reward.
I promise to do everything in my powers to continue to feel so blessed with all the "undesirable" things that come with pregnancy. If I even seem to be complaining about any sort of physical discomfort or inconvenience, I absolutely want one of you ladies to smack me around and bring me back to my senses. I completely recognize how amazing ans special a gift I have been given here.
And more than anything, I wish there was something, anything I could do to give that same gift to each and every one of you ladies that have had to go through IF.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Oh, Snap...
"We interrupt your regularly scheduled blog post to bring you some late breaking news."
There is pregnancy test and symptoms talk down below. If you don't want to read on, I completely understand and might even do the same if I was reading this.
I'm home from work today, nursing a killer headache that hit me yesterday afternoon and hasn't left yet in spite of the Tylenol and Ibuprofen I've taken. On top of that, my chesticles (I love the Boy and his made up words!) have been achy and hurting the last several days, I've been having cramps that span down low and pinch on both sides, and then there is that pressure feeling at the back of my throat. All since Monday. When my temp dropped.
I've been spending more time trying to explain them away than looking for new symptoms. I've really tried hard not to read anything into them. We all know how our bodies hate us and like to play tricks with our minds. I don't believe in any of the things I've been feeling.
Because I'm scared. Petrified, really.
I took a test this afternoon, confident that nothing would show up. Heck, it wasn't 1st morning urine and I'm only 9dpo. It's far too early for anything to show up and my pee couldn't be concentrated enough if there was. I took it to prove to myself and my body that there is no way I could be pregnant. I had a huge cyst on my right ovary and I didn't take any of my Ov stims. My temp hasn't really rebounded from Monday.
I peed on that plastic stick (one of the 3-pack I bought last cycle b/c the cyst was making me think I was pregnant) and stuck it right back in the wrapper. I set it on the coffee table while I started to write the Blow Award post.
...
...
...
The faintest of lines is there. Even lighter than the 1st test in January. A hair of a pink-tinged line. This has to be my imagination. There is no way. Maybe it's just the antibody line that I'm seeing? An evap line? In the time limit?
I posted it up on can you see a line.com (don't click the link if you don't want to see a pee-soaked stick). It's 7 for 7 right now on "Positive" votes. I think I am going to throw-up. Not in a morning sickness kind of way, either. In a sheer terror/anxiety sort of way. I had to talk myself up and still hesitated when I went to let the Boy know I had tested, even though I had said I wouldn't unless my period didn't show.
I can't really even say I'm excited or tentatively optimistic. I'm stunned, in disbelief, and most of all scared. I am so very afraid I'll loose this one too, if the line isn't a lie. I'm scared that all the IF friends I've made are going to turn away. I mean I'm barely an Infertile at 10m/11cycles in to TTC. I'm afraid that maybe the line is all in my imagination, and I'll never get pregnant again.
Right now, all I feel is fear.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
12wks
This time 2m ago, I was pregnant. Newly pregnant. If things had gone well, I'd be almost 13wks and entering the 2nd trimester. I'd be starting to share the news with non-immediate family members and not-so close friends. I probably wouldn't be making a FB about it, but if I did, it would probably be as subtle as my IF outings.
Instead, I'm 10dpo and not feeling too promising about this cycle. I'm trying not to think about these things. Trying to ignore "symptoms" and not think about what cd I'm on or when I'd be late.
Yeah. That's not working so well. It's all I can think about. X number of days until I'd be late. X number of dpo. If I was pregnant, X number of weeks until this or that. It's probably not healthy. Unfortunately, I do it without really thinking and without realizing I'm doing it until it's done. I'm just too comfortable with numbers. Maybe I'm calculating all this as a way of comforting myself? I don't know.
What I do know is I'm fully expecting to move onto TTC in April. I'm hoping to be pregnant again by my birthday at the end of May, but even that isn't looking like much of a possibility in my mental calculations. Also in my calculations, is the amount of money we spend each month on vitamins, supplements, and Rx's for the snowball-in-hell's chance of getting pregnant again. Just shy of $150. I know that is no where close to what some women pay each month for injectibles, u/s, etc with more intense treatments. Still, that $1,500 (~2,000 + co-pays and all) that we've spent so far without anything to really show for it, except for 2 hpts with their faint, now crusty lines that are currently taking up space in a landfill, roughly the size of the hole in my heart.
For those that like to keep tabs on other people's 2ww symptoms:
-Nauseous, catch in my throat feeling (like I had 2m ago), but since 2dpo.
-Dull and periodic ache in my Right boob and under that armpit since 7dpo
-Strong, stabbing/pinching pains (similar to O pains) on my right side, just inside my hip yesterday and a bit Monday evening.
And that's it. But now I'm off to a busy, fun-(un)filled day at work, running around like a headless chicken to get the multitude of things I have to do today done.
Wishing everyone else a great Wednesday! Enjoy the last 2 days of March and I'll see you in April!
Instead, I'm 10dpo and not feeling too promising about this cycle. I'm trying not to think about these things. Trying to ignore "symptoms" and not think about what cd I'm on or when I'd be late.
Yeah. That's not working so well. It's all I can think about. X number of days until I'd be late. X number of dpo. If I was pregnant, X number of weeks until this or that. It's probably not healthy. Unfortunately, I do it without really thinking and without realizing I'm doing it until it's done. I'm just too comfortable with numbers. Maybe I'm calculating all this as a way of comforting myself? I don't know.
What I do know is I'm fully expecting to move onto TTC in April. I'm hoping to be pregnant again by my birthday at the end of May, but even that isn't looking like much of a possibility in my mental calculations. Also in my calculations, is the amount of money we spend each month on vitamins, supplements, and Rx's for the snowball-in-hell's chance of getting pregnant again. Just shy of $150. I know that is no where close to what some women pay each month for injectibles, u/s, etc with more intense treatments. Still, that $1,500 (~2,000 + co-pays and all) that we've spent so far without anything to really show for it, except for 2 hpts with their faint, now crusty lines that are currently taking up space in a landfill, roughly the size of the hole in my heart.
For those that like to keep tabs on other people's 2ww symptoms:
-Nauseous, catch in my throat feeling (like I had 2m ago), but since 2dpo.
-Dull and periodic ache in my Right boob and under that armpit since 7dpo
-Strong, stabbing/pinching pains (similar to O pains) on my right side, just inside my hip yesterday and a bit Monday evening.
And that's it. But now I'm off to a busy, fun-(un)filled day at work, running around like a headless chicken to get the multitude of things I have to do today done.
Wishing everyone else a great Wednesday! Enjoy the last 2 days of March and I'll see you in April!
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Today's post is brought to you by the #9
9
9 cycles.
9dpo.
and hey, 9pm (EST)!
I think I'm diving off the deep end this 2ww. The last 2 days have involved me flipping back and forth being optimistic and disappointed about this cycle. I could have sworn I would be finding an unwelcomed visitor on several different restroom breaks, but luckily didn't. I think I have symptoms and then I don't or think that I'm just imagining them. The only thing I can say for certain is I've had a lot of odd cramping, almost akin to ovulation pains, but kind of all over the belly area. Oh, and I almost forgot, I've been super warm off and on today and sweaty the past 3 nights. I can't recall if this happened last month or all of the past months I've taken the progesterone supplements.
I'm trying not to get my hopes too high or expect too much out of this cycle. but after 9 freaking cycles I'm ready to be pregnant already. I was talking with a TTC buddy I meet online (Hi Sheena!) about how if I had been lucky right out of the gate, I'd be due at the end of March. That is so unreal to me. How is it that I'm not pregnant by now?!
I really hope I get some insight of how things will turn out for cycle #9 by this weekend. It is far too pregnant people orientated for me to deal and not knowing or starting my period. Friday, we plan to attend a show by a friend's band. His wife found out at the start of Jan that she was pregnant, told me mid Jan, just a week or so before I got my positive. They had been not preventing for almost a year, but hadn't actually started trying. She's almost out of her 1st trimester by now. I'm not sure I can have a conversation with him without either holding back a floodgate of emotions or by drugging myself up with enough Xan.ax that I won't care.
Saturday. Oh god, Saturday. Hubby's folks are coming into town for a day or 2 to attend the SIL's 3d/4d ultrasound. She invited us to this, but 1) I really think this is a very private occasion, and 2) there is absolutely no way I can attend it without breaking down or blowing up. I'm sure to visit with the in-laws, we'll have to head over to her and BIL's house that evening and I'll have to either come clean to them or make up an excuse. The parents know the truth, so either way it's going to awkward. Then Saturday evening, a co-worker/friend is having a belated house-warming party. Belated because she gave birth the month after they moved in. Her daughter is adorable; I made a trip to their place a few weeks ago, after the m/c, and was ok. What will be difficult about this time is that there will be at a minimum 4 babies. That's right, FOUR, and 3 of those were "Holy cow! We were so surprised to have been pregnant. Totally unplanned!" If I could have assurance that it wasn't just going to be baby and new mommy talk, I'd go in a heartbeat. Somehow, I don't think that will be the case.
But in good news, the boy bought me a few little pots of strawberry plants to put in my plant hanger. I can't wait for the weather to stay warm so I can hang the planter outside and let the plants grow and supply me with a summer's worth of delicious, sweet fruits! My daffodils are exploding in the front yard. Everywhere, thanks to the previous owners. The trees are blooming and growing leaves. Things look to be turning green again and that makes me happy! Also, the baby animals are being born at work, and I got to have a closer than expected encounter with this little girl when she broke out of the pen.
See! Even baby animals want me to be their mommy! This is totally a sign that I should be knocked up ASAP!
9 cycles.
9dpo.
and hey, 9pm (EST)!
I think I'm diving off the deep end this 2ww. The last 2 days have involved me flipping back and forth being optimistic and disappointed about this cycle. I could have sworn I would be finding an unwelcomed visitor on several different restroom breaks, but luckily didn't. I think I have symptoms and then I don't or think that I'm just imagining them. The only thing I can say for certain is I've had a lot of odd cramping, almost akin to ovulation pains, but kind of all over the belly area. Oh, and I almost forgot, I've been super warm off and on today and sweaty the past 3 nights. I can't recall if this happened last month or all of the past months I've taken the progesterone supplements.
I'm trying not to get my hopes too high or expect too much out of this cycle. but after 9 freaking cycles I'm ready to be pregnant already. I was talking with a TTC buddy I meet online (Hi Sheena!) about how if I had been lucky right out of the gate, I'd be due at the end of March. That is so unreal to me. How is it that I'm not pregnant by now?!
I really hope I get some insight of how things will turn out for cycle #9 by this weekend. It is far too pregnant people orientated for me to deal and not knowing or starting my period. Friday, we plan to attend a show by a friend's band. His wife found out at the start of Jan that she was pregnant, told me mid Jan, just a week or so before I got my positive. They had been not preventing for almost a year, but hadn't actually started trying. She's almost out of her 1st trimester by now. I'm not sure I can have a conversation with him without either holding back a floodgate of emotions or by drugging myself up with enough Xan.ax that I won't care.
Saturday. Oh god, Saturday. Hubby's folks are coming into town for a day or 2 to attend the SIL's 3d/4d ultrasound. She invited us to this, but 1) I really think this is a very private occasion, and 2) there is absolutely no way I can attend it without breaking down or blowing up. I'm sure to visit with the in-laws, we'll have to head over to her and BIL's house that evening and I'll have to either come clean to them or make up an excuse. The parents know the truth, so either way it's going to awkward. Then Saturday evening, a co-worker/friend is having a belated house-warming party. Belated because she gave birth the month after they moved in. Her daughter is adorable; I made a trip to their place a few weeks ago, after the m/c, and was ok. What will be difficult about this time is that there will be at a minimum 4 babies. That's right, FOUR, and 3 of those were "Holy cow! We were so surprised to have been pregnant. Totally unplanned!" If I could have assurance that it wasn't just going to be baby and new mommy talk, I'd go in a heartbeat. Somehow, I don't think that will be the case.
But in good news, the boy bought me a few little pots of strawberry plants to put in my plant hanger. I can't wait for the weather to stay warm so I can hang the planter outside and let the plants grow and supply me with a summer's worth of delicious, sweet fruits! My daffodils are exploding in the front yard. Everywhere, thanks to the previous owners. The trees are blooming and growing leaves. Things look to be turning green again and that makes me happy! Also, the baby animals are being born at work, and I got to have a closer than expected encounter with this little girl when she broke out of the pen.
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