O & IVF?

Those 2 things don't really seem to fit together. As a local radio personality would say, they go together like "hammers and panties." Just like there is no crying in baseball, there is no ovulation in in vitro fertilization. Strangely enough though, they've both been on my mind the last 2 days or so.

The O is probably pretty apparent. I'm on cd20 today and had the usual EWs for a few days and then some serious pinches and pokes from my left ovary area. (I also had some discomfort on the right side, which accorrding to the RE's nurses, can happen with a large cyst at ovulation time.) My temp went up this morning, be it from O or from my puppy patient deciding she was up at 5am. I went back to sleep for 2 more hours before temping, so I'm hoping it is from O and not lack of Zs . To be honest, ovulation has been on my mind since my baseline u/s showed the cyst and prevented me from taking my ov meds this cycle. Will I ovulate? When? Will it work even without the follicle stimulation?

We'll find out those answers and more in approximately 12-14d!

Now onto why I've had IVF on my mind. A few nights ago, I had a dream that, while I don't remember much of the details, was pretty much an egg retrieval, but wholly unconventional in the location and such. Just out of hte blue like that. We haven't been discussing or even considering IVF so not sure where that popped in to my head.

Fast forwarding to today, I go to Resolve's website and end up clicking on the Support Groups info and wind up seeing what's local. I email the group organizer listed. Gmail pings me back and error message that the email address doesn't exist. Guess I should update Resolve on that matter. I take it upon myself to see about finding when, etc the group meets as the location is posted alongside the now defunct email address. It's held at a Women's Health center of a nearby hospital (or so says Resolve.org). I go to the center's webpage and look up support group listings. Unless they've decided to hide Infertility in the Cancer, cardiovascular, or other major illness category, it's not listed there.

Cue me entering "Infertility support group" into the hospital's search box. the 1st link leads me back to the Women's center, but this time to the Repro Endocrinology and IF page. What is posted there but a blurb and an link to an IVF study they are conduction about the efficacy of fertilization pre- and post-freeze/thaw. A benefit to participation is a discounted IVF cycle. While not a free cycle, a discount is better than paying full price! So I email the coordinator to get more info. She responds back just hours later! She fills me in on the requirements and people to contact regarding pre-participation consulting appt and financial info.

While I don't know if we'll participate or not at this point, I still want to collect the information. It is absurd to me how interested I am in this! We haven't even been TTC a full year (yet), and I'm almost salivating at the chance for a shot at a cheap IVF cycle. What the dealio!? Plus, I just freakin' ovulated! I should be dwelling on my 2ww and not the possibility of IVF! I should really be paying attention to all the twinges and aches and smells/tastes and crossing my fingers that this cycle is it and maybe we were able to conceive without much help. Yet, here I am. Already considering myself out at 1dpo, looking into the possibility of IVF... How bizarre am I?

AND!

And! I left my lunch at home today and had to buy something at the cafeteria.

And! I think I may have started my period several days early. Woo freakin' hoo.

At least FF gave me 5 free days of VIP membership so now all can see I've been suffering from road congestion for the last 9d. I <3 progesterone suppositories.

Why is it only Wednesday?

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Update: I have indeed started early. Cycle #11 here I come. Goodbye 2011 baby. Maybe the in-laws will get that February, April, or June baby to fill in lack of birthdays for those months in the family.

12wks

This time 2m ago, I was pregnant. Newly pregnant. If things had gone well, I'd be almost 13wks and entering the 2nd trimester. I'd be starting to share the news with non-immediate family members and not-so close friends. I probably wouldn't be making a FB about it, but if I did, it would probably be as subtle as my IF outings.

Instead, I'm 10dpo and not feeling too promising about this cycle. I'm trying not to think about these things. Trying to ignore "symptoms" and not think about what cd I'm on or when I'd be late.

Yeah. That's not working so well. It's all I can think about. X number of days until I'd be late. X number of dpo. If I was pregnant, X number of weeks until this or that. It's probably not healthy. Unfortunately, I do it without really thinking and without realizing I'm doing it until it's done. I'm just too comfortable with numbers. Maybe I'm calculating all this as a way of comforting myself? I don't know.

What I do know is I'm fully expecting to move onto TTC in April. I'm hoping to be pregnant again by my birthday at the end of May, but even that isn't looking like much of a possibility in my mental calculations. Also in my calculations, is the amount of money we spend each month on vitamins, supplements, and Rx's for the snowball-in-hell's chance of getting pregnant again. Just shy of $150. I know that is no where close to what some women pay each month for injectibles, u/s, etc with more intense treatments. Still, that $1,500 (~2,000 + co-pays and all) that we've spent so far without anything to really show for it, except for 2 hpts with their faint, now crusty lines that are currently taking up space in a landfill, roughly the size of the hole in my heart.

For those that like to keep tabs on other people's 2ww symptoms:
-Nauseous, catch in my throat feeling (like I had 2m ago), but since 2dpo.
-Dull and periodic ache in my Right boob and under that armpit since 7dpo
-Strong, stabbing/pinching pains (similar to O pains) on my right side, just inside my hip yesterday and a bit Monday evening.

And that's it. But now I'm off to a busy, fun-(un)filled day at work, running around like a headless chicken to get the multitude of things I have to do today done.

Wishing everyone else a great Wednesday! Enjoy the last 2 days of March and I'll see you in April!

Today's post is brought to you by the #9

9
9 cycles.
9dpo.
and hey, 9pm (EST)!

I think I'm diving off the deep end this 2ww. The last 2 days have involved me flipping back and forth being optimistic and disappointed about this cycle. I could have sworn I would be finding an unwelcomed visitor on several different restroom breaks, but luckily didn't. I think I have symptoms and then I don't or think that I'm just imagining them. The only thing I can say for certain is I've had a lot of odd cramping, almost akin to ovulation pains, but kind of all over the belly area. Oh, and I almost forgot, I've been super warm off and on today and sweaty the past 3 nights. I can't recall if this happened last month or all of the past months I've taken the progesterone supplements.

I'm trying not to get my hopes too high or expect too much out of this cycle. but after 9 freaking cycles I'm ready to be pregnant already. I was talking with a TTC buddy I meet online (Hi Sheena!) about how if I had been lucky right out of the gate, I'd be due at the end of March. That is so unreal to me. How is it that I'm not pregnant by now?!

I really hope I get some insight of how things will turn out for cycle #9 by this weekend. It is far too pregnant people orientated for me to deal and not knowing or starting my period. Friday, we plan to attend a show by a friend's band. His wife found out at the start of Jan that she was pregnant, told me mid Jan, just a week or so before I got my positive. They had been not preventing for almost a year, but hadn't actually started trying. She's almost out of her 1st trimester by now. I'm not sure I can have a conversation with him without either holding back a floodgate of emotions or by drugging myself up with enough Xan.ax that I won't care.

Saturday. Oh god, Saturday. Hubby's folks are coming into town for a day or 2 to attend the SIL's 3d/4d ultrasound. She invited us to this, but 1) I really think this is a very private occasion, and 2) there is absolutely no way I can attend it without breaking down or blowing up. I'm sure to visit with the in-laws, we'll have to head over to her and BIL's house that evening and I'll have to either come clean to them or make up an excuse. The parents know the truth, so either way it's going to awkward. Then Saturday evening, a co-worker/friend is having a belated house-warming party. Belated because she gave birth the month after they moved in. Her daughter is adorable; I made a trip to their place a few weeks ago, after the m/c, and was ok. What will be difficult about this time is that there will be at a minimum 4 babies. That's right, FOUR, and 3 of those were "Holy cow! We were so surprised to have been pregnant. Totally unplanned!" If I could have assurance that it wasn't just going to be baby and new mommy talk, I'd go in a heartbeat. Somehow, I don't think that will be the case.

But in good news, the boy bought me a few little pots of strawberry plants to put in my plant hanger. I can't wait for the weather to stay warm so I can hang the planter outside and let the plants grow and supply me with a summer's worth of delicious, sweet fruits! My daffodils are exploding in the front yard. Everywhere, thanks to the previous owners. The trees are blooming and growing leaves. Things look to be turning green again and that makes me happy! Also, the baby animals are being born at work, and I got to have a closer than expected encounter with this little girl when she broke out of the pen.

Can I go home with you?

See! Even baby animals want me to be their mommy! This is totally a sign that I should be knocked up ASAP!

TTC Limbo

CD26 and 10d post Ov. I feel like I'm in limbo. I have no symptoms to lead me to think that either a + preg test or my period is in my near future. Nothing. This could be a good thing. It could equally be driving me nuts! I hate the waiting, the not knowing, the flip-flopping between hope and defeat. I would probably feel better if I was having signs that my monthly visitor was about to come calling. Anything is better than the uncertainty. Especially if you are as much of a Type A planner with anxiety issues like myself.

I have pretty much resigned myself to continuing on this long, winding road that is trying to conceive (TTC) on into next month, and most likely the following several months as well. I am under no illusions that my TTC journey is coming to a close anytime soon. This is my 8th cycle off the IUD. 7th month. I'm already thinking ahead about what we may do when we reach that 12m mark. Do we keep investing in the meds and vitamins and supplements? The follow-up appointments with the RE? Should we just come to terms that maybe conception is out of our reach and call it quits for now? Maybe start saving up for IVF (yikes!).

At 10dpo, most TTC women are just chomping at the bit to pee on a preg test. I had 1 internet cheapy test left. This little sliver of a stick that I have to dip into to "collected urine". Eh, I hadn't peed all day really, so why not. I wasn't expecting anything on it so I sorta waited for the majority of the dye to pass over the testing/control field. Negative. Oh well, no surprise and into the trash with the last test in the house. Sure, I had hoped that a 2nd line might have snuck in there and blown my mind, but I didn't expecting and wasn't really entertaining it as an actual possibility.

With each passing cycle, I feel like I'm getting more and more jaded and cynical about our chances. When my period comes in the next few days (see, right there. When not If.), I'm thinking that I might not even temp for the small window of O confirmation that I had this time around. I'm not sure if even want to take the Letrozole meds or continue the progesterone supps. I'm just so tired of it all. My life is being controlled by CDs and meds it seems. I long for the days that back when TTC was new and exciting. Every day held the possibility of being pregnant. Where I had hope that even though each test I took was negative, that maybe tomorrows would have that line. Where I thought that maybe I'd be one of those women that still had their periods while pregnant, validating taking another test after my period. You know, just in case.

But those days are long gone. That twinkle of optimism has long been extinguished; only sparking back up for a few days around ovulation and fizzling back out under the weight of the dreaded 2 wk wait. And some days, like today, I have to question myself and really think hard about it all. Is all this money, hormone manipulation, the ups and downs, the boxes of tampons and pads and pregnancy tests; is it all worth it? Last summer, I wouldn't have had any hesitation in screaming out a resounding YES. Now? All I can muster up is a "It will be if we ever get to hold a child of our own." I can say that my moods have become much more stable since removing any and all forms of birth control from my system. Well, with the exception of that lovely time of the month where my emotions are just as out of whack as my hormones.