Yup, that about sums it up!

Also, got a link to THIS in my email and thought I'd pass it on to others. Not a huge, huge revelation, but hopefully means big things to come.

Confused

I'm happy and sad.

A friend and former student in the lab just filled us in that she's expecting. I'm very happy for her and her husband. She was probably my closest work friend.

Unfortunately and coincidentally, her due date was my due date. Cue the tears. I'd be 14wk right now. I hadn't thought about that for a few days until she mentioned how far along she is.

I decided to talk to her and get the details. Turns out she actually had a very early miscarriage (most likely a chemical pregnancy) a few months back. That pregnancy was a surprise, but made them realized they wanted to start their family. Cue more tears. I hate that she had to go through that as well. Especially as it was right after she moved from here to back north, starting a new job and buying a house. So many sources of stress, she didn't need a m/c on top of it all.

I'm sad for her. Sad for me. Happy for her. Sad for me. This is the 1st pregnancy announcement that I've had to deal with since my m/c. My emotions about it are so conflicted and I don't know which are the real ones and which are the ones I only think I should be feeling. I'm so confused...

12wks

This time 2m ago, I was pregnant. Newly pregnant. If things had gone well, I'd be almost 13wks and entering the 2nd trimester. I'd be starting to share the news with non-immediate family members and not-so close friends. I probably wouldn't be making a FB about it, but if I did, it would probably be as subtle as my IF outings.

Instead, I'm 10dpo and not feeling too promising about this cycle. I'm trying not to think about these things. Trying to ignore "symptoms" and not think about what cd I'm on or when I'd be late.

Yeah. That's not working so well. It's all I can think about. X number of days until I'd be late. X number of dpo. If I was pregnant, X number of weeks until this or that. It's probably not healthy. Unfortunately, I do it without really thinking and without realizing I'm doing it until it's done. I'm just too comfortable with numbers. Maybe I'm calculating all this as a way of comforting myself? I don't know.

What I do know is I'm fully expecting to move onto TTC in April. I'm hoping to be pregnant again by my birthday at the end of May, but even that isn't looking like much of a possibility in my mental calculations. Also in my calculations, is the amount of money we spend each month on vitamins, supplements, and Rx's for the snowball-in-hell's chance of getting pregnant again. Just shy of $150. I know that is no where close to what some women pay each month for injectibles, u/s, etc with more intense treatments. Still, that $1,500 (~2,000 + co-pays and all) that we've spent so far without anything to really show for it, except for 2 hpts with their faint, now crusty lines that are currently taking up space in a landfill, roughly the size of the hole in my heart.

For those that like to keep tabs on other people's 2ww symptoms:
-Nauseous, catch in my throat feeling (like I had 2m ago), but since 2dpo.
-Dull and periodic ache in my Right boob and under that armpit since 7dpo
-Strong, stabbing/pinching pains (similar to O pains) on my right side, just inside my hip yesterday and a bit Monday evening.

And that's it. But now I'm off to a busy, fun-(un)filled day at work, running around like a headless chicken to get the multitude of things I have to do today done.

Wishing everyone else a great Wednesday! Enjoy the last 2 days of March and I'll see you in April!

No responses?

Almost 24hrs after sending that email to the SIL, I haven't received any form of acknowledgment that she even received the email or any form of anything. I know she's read it by now as she lives through her iphone and any other email I've sent her has been answered even briefly within the hour. Maybe, as the Hubs suggests, she's just trying to formulate an appropriate response. It is still nerve-wracking for me, none the less. Just having put myself out there like that, just kinda hanging now.

I took another big step yesterday evening in outing my infertile self. I've seen this Time article 3 different times in 3 different places now. Either it is some huge coincidence or I'm suppose to do something about it. So, without giving myself the opportunity to hesitate, I hit the FB like button. Minutes later, this pops up on my profile and into the newsfeed.

*crickets*

No response to that either. I wasn't expecting everyone on FB to come swarming my page, but I was hoping someone would see it and be intrigued or concerned enough about it to send me a message or comment or something! When I posted about my depression (re)diagnosis 2yr ago, and then happened put up a profile picture a week or so later that I thought was artsy, but incidentally also contained the Boy's bbgun, BAM! My page is lit up, my phone is ringing, and people are messaging me asking if I'm ok. I hadn't even put it up there to be angsty or deep. I just wanted to change it and liked the look of that one. The bbgun wasn't even prominently featured!

And yet, here I am "liking" a post about m/c and depression and not one little thing. Is it really that taboo of a subject? Maybe I'm over-reacting (very likely). Maybe, just maybe, it is just too subtle for most people to be able to 2 and 2 together. I'm not sure how, but I guess I'll give it reasonable doubt. I'm not quite ready yet to be more overt in my announcements to the whole world, but I think these baby steps are a good start.

Have any of you posted something publicly that you could have sworn would have tipped people off to things, but inadvertently it seemed to have breezed right over their heads?

The Parent Trap

Well, it's really just a visit, but I feel kinda stuck in a trap. We initially invited my parents down a few days after I got that positive test last month. We were over do a visit with them (the last was Christmas) and we figured I'd have an early u/s done by then and could share the pics to announce our news.

We all know how things turned out there. And with the subsequent parental phone calls. I'd feel kinda "douche baggy" as the Boy would say, to cancel the visit just because it's now just another visit. I even dropped my mom a line on FB to see if they still planned on coming this weekend. (It is far quicker and easier than calling her, trust me). They'd be bringing their 2 dogs to come play with our monsters out in the backyard, etc. She said they were still intending to come "unless of course, I didn't feel up to it". They'd understand.


Now, all I'm envisioning is my mom asking me questions about the m/c and stuff and my dad trying to awkwardly avoid it and talk about the weather, etc with Boy. I'm also super nervous that the whole things is going to be completely avoided like the plague even though it is that big pink elephant in the corner of the room with a top hat and tutu. I don't really know what I'm expecting to happen or not happen tomorrow. I really don't want to talk about the loss, but I don't want to tiptoe around it and pretend it didn't happen and everything is just honky-dory.


And what if they ask when we will start trying again?! Do I tell them that we ignored the Dr that has seen all my lady bits and insides via phalli-cam, and had lots of sex last week and "here's hoping!" Or just say "yes" or "sorta"? What if they want to know the details of the last 8 months of our trying and the "issues" we mentioned we had been having? How much detail do my parents really want to know and do I want to give them? We don't really talk about that stuff in my family, except if we are making a joke about it. 


I guess I'll just have to wait and see how it goes. I've gotten super great at that since we 1st started trying and like to fancy myself an expert at it by this point. Christina, waiting and seeing expert!

Not so Great Expectations

I'm rather disappointed. Everyone that we've talked with about things recently has been very understanding and supportive. No one offered me advice of what we should and how to do it. Maybe I was expecting too much? I don't even know what I was expecting, but it wasn't what I got.

I called my mom today and he called his. We clued them in that we have been TTC for the past 7mo, have been having several issues and pretty much wrote it off for a while. Then poof, I get pregnant then shortly miscarry. It was a bit awkward, more than a bit actually, but we got the expected "We're so sorry. Are ya'll doing ok?". I even expected them to have a hunch that things were going on in the family making dept with us.

What I did not expect was for both of them to tell us that it will happen when it is meant to happen and not to stress about it or try too hard. After we told them we had been having difficulties, were seeing Drs about it and weren't expecting it to actually happen. At least his mom got it the 2nd time around. Mine still felt the need to tell me about so-and-so who got pregnant after 4yrs and Drs the month that they didn't try and just relaxed. They did, unfortunately, immediately compare it to my sister-IL's miscarriage following her 1st cycle just off birth control, and her low progesterone problems. When the Boy explained that the RE didn't even think we could on our own and IVF was previously our only real option, they asked why we just didn't do that then. Because we don't have $10k just sitting around to pay for the chance of a baby. If we did, our 1 dog would have had her knee surgery by now, the cars would be paid off and we'd have no credit card debt.

I don't know what I was really expecting from them, but I was a bit shocked at what we got. They were all fairly understanding and concerned, but their suggestions and input after that left a lot to be desired. They didn't even seem phased about being the 1st people in real life that we've told about getting pregnant and losing it. It does make me feel better about not telling lots of people that are close to us. If our parents don't quite get it, how likely are friends and other family members? Let's just hope that they can keep to their promises of not discussing it with anyone or continually checking in on our TTC efforts. Fingers Crossed.

Rejoining the Living

Since I came home from work on Monday, I've not once left the house. Heck, I didn't even leave the bed on Tuesday. Wednesday was spent mostly on the couch. Both days were pjs only. Today was the 1st day I actually put on pair of pants, a real shirt, and even a pair of shoes. I actual left the house. It felt really good. I almost feel like a normal person again. The grand occasion was a quick chat with my ever so fantastic boss, who happened to have sent us this yesterday:

 

The short chat about the uncertainty of my future scheduling, of possible appt and tests, and that things like this week, could possibly and unfortunately happen again, easily became an hour and a half discussion about all sorts of things. How unfortunately common miscarriage is, how I was doing, how the Boy was doing, how his wife dealt with hers, how he dealt with his wife's.

During this, it dawned on me. I'm actually ok talking about it face to face with people that understand. I'm not completely over, but I think I am most definitely well on my to a full emotional recovery. I will never forget the last 10 days of my life, but I have come to a full acceptance of it all. I actually feel like I can join the rest of the world again. Well, at least the rest of the world that isn't going on and on about how precious their newborn is or how fantastic their pregnancy has been and that the nursery is coming along swimmingly. I can actually interact with people in an way that practically resembles normal.

This mean that I will not be helping my sister-in-law paint her nursery this weekend, especially since the helping her paint her son's room was really just me and my brother-in-law painting and her sorting papers in another room or listening to her non-stop ramblings about her pregnancy and the baby. This probably also mean that I won't be attending their Super Bowl get-together on Sunday. Darn.I can't handle being around pregnant or new mom people yet. Besides, I don't want to tell them about any of this because she had a miscarriage and will most likely give me advice on what to do now. Our situations are completely different as she had no problem getting pregnant at all, just a case of low progesterone after 7wks. Not sure how much she would understand that my pregnancy was an almost miracle to begin with and I have already a progesterone issue.

It does mean that I'll be attempting to go to work on Monday. The bleeding is slowing down, the cramps aren't as strong, and I have more energy to actually do things for myself here and there. Maybe I'll even be able to get to some of the house cleaning that has fallen to the wayside the last 2 weeks. There is only 1 major hurdle that I see before me in our path to getting back to normal.

Telling the parents. We feel we have to do it. It's really for our own good. At least this way, if we tell them we were TTC, got pregnant but miscarried, and will be TTC again, they'll stop with the grandkid questions and I won't have to think about our loss each time they bring it up and try to fumble for some excuse or cover. I've found that being upfront and honest has gotten me this far, so I'm hoping that holds up and continues to take care of us.

Dealing and Healing

I know this process is different for every woman and every pregnancy. Thankfully, I can say I'm doing alright. Not great, but ok. Monday, I was a complete and total wreck after that fated call back. I called and told Chris the bad news, and cried in the stairwell. Pulled myself together enough to make it back to the scope room and battled tears, anger, hurt, loss, and almost every other emotion under the sun for the next 3.5hrs. Then, I realized I couldn't stay in that room for the rest of the day. Crap. I'm an ugly crier. As soon as the tears start, my eyes and nose turn red. Not pink, or anything, straight up red! And my eyes get super puffy and swollen. Ugh. I could not leave that room looking like this. The only thing I could use was some ethanol on a tissue to cool my angry red, swollen eyelids and nose, hopefully enough to not look like I've spend the last 2hrs bawling alone in the dark.

It have some what worked because I was able to make it to my shared office, go in my purse and take an nice Xanax pill along with some ibuprofen without anyone mentioned anything or asking if I was ok. Oh, I forgot to mention that crying gives me intense headaches. So for the rest of the work day, i was able to be blissfully numb enough to pretend I was fine. I can not say that lasted once I got home though. After hugging and kissing my fantastic husband, I swung wildly from very sad, to wanting to be violently angry. I wanted to break something, to scream, to get all the pain, anguish and emptiness that was inside me out. I had a glass and a half of wine, don't remember what I ate, and my laptop. After several hours of tears and snot streaming down my face, multiple updates to people and groups online,  we headed to bed. Oh, I forgot to mention that our propane tank ran empty Monday morning and we had no heat until the next day.

I woke up Tuesday, still sad, but far far more stable and on the mend emotionally. And swollen. I could have been a face double for Rocky at the end of a fight, minus the blood though. My face hurt. More than my heart and more than the rest of my body. I spend the whole day in bed. Except for a few excursions to the restroom and a time or two to other rooms, I was in the bed, in pjs, ALL day long. I researched what to expect during a miscarriage, after a miscarriage, how other people dealt, how they felt, and I wrote. I wrote a blog post. I wrote to other women I knew that had gone through it. I wrote to my boss, briefly, about it all and how it would affect my work. I emailed, and Facebooked, and instant messaged. I got it out in a much healthier way than the night before. I was pulling through. Dealing with the emotional and mental aspects and healing.

Things have been picking up on the physical side of things, but aren't horrible. Much stronger cramping and aches than a normal period and just different, but not agonizing. My RE must have forgot to mention it or thought it was common sense, but I did not know that tampons are a NO-NO for miscarriage bleeding. Oops! Totally a learning process here. All of it is a process. There is no right way or wrong way of feeling or dealing or healing. It just is and that's perfectly fine. I do recommend some Tylenol or Advil or something though. Lifesavers, they are.

Today, things continue. Life is still going on, moving forward. I feel ok today as well. The talking and typing have helped. The sharing my feelings, both physical and not, is allowing me to keep on keeping on. I've accepted my loss, that the baby wasn't to be, and am thankful that it happened sooner rather than later. While not fully healed, emotionally or physically, I'm looking forward. We both agreed to keep trying right away. The Dr said to wait a cycle, but I think that is just for dating the pregnancy. If I happen to ovulate in a timely manner and we happen to feel like trying, I think I'd be ok if we happen to get pregnant again or even if it doesn't happen. I won't be taking the letrozole/femara this cycle and I haven't decided about the progesterone, but probably not. We'll just have to see. In the meantime, I'm taking things day by day and being content with just being ok.

I'm a statistic.

My life has become numbers and statistics, and none of them have anything to do with anything scientifically significant like they use to.

Cycle days (currently 2), days post ovulation, number of cycles (8), number of months (7), possible estimated due date, today's date (2/1). 1st beta hCG 24, progesterone 16. 2nd beta hCG 4.6. Numbers, numbers everywhere.

About 10% of the female US population will experience some form of infertility. 1 in 6 couples will have difficulty conceiving. One third is female issues; one third is male; 20% is unexplained, and 10% is a combination of partner issues. There is a 20-25% chance of conceiving each cycle if sex occurs during the woman's fertile period. 1 in 5 pregnancies will end in miscarriage. Of that, half will occur before a heartbeat can be detected.*

I am 1 in 6, that 10%, that 1 in 5 and that half. I am that <0.1% of the US married, TTC population that have had difficulty getting pregnant because we both have reproductive issues and the pregnancy ended in miscarriage before there was a heartbeat. I am the current face of infertility and loss. And right now, I feel like just being that number, a statistic. I'm fine with it. Numbers just are what they are. They can't help being odd or even, can't control if they are prime or not.

My infertility is nothing I've done to myself, nothing I could control. This miscarriage is what it is. Sure, it is my loss, but it's not my fault. It just is. I'm not saying I'm ok with it or that it is just a loss and nothing more. I'm far from ok, but right now I just am. I am ok with just being right now. Just being what ever I feel I need to be. If that is angry or sad, confused or numb, than that's what I am. I can't change it. I don't want to change it. I shouldn't have to change it. And I'm not going to change it.

The amount of support I have felt and been shown the last 2 days is remarkable. Women I don't know, never met, will probably never meet have sent me their condolences, their sincere sadness for my loss. The friends that I have online and a few that now in person have offered me any support I feel I need from them and their heartfelt sympathies. Unfortunately, there have been several women I have met and those I have not, that have also sent me their understanding and can commiserate with what I'm going through. Even my male boss, has shown me understanding, compassion and support. My husband had been the greatest. While he is not experiencing this loss as I am, he is still disappointed and sad. While he is not emotionally distraught, he has no problem with me being what ever I need to be and doing what ever I need to do. He even offered to make me a bowl of ice cream for dinner which I so greatly appreciated but did not have any appetite. *** He actually has taken the week off work to be with me after talking with his manager. I love my husband!***

This amazing outpouring of sympathy and support, while it doesn't change anything, makes this process slightly easier. I may be a statistic, but at least I'm not alone.




* Statistics taken from Resolve: The National Infertility Association and The CDC's Division of Reproductive Health

The dreaded "M" word

Miscarriage.

The worst word a woman can hear if they are pregnant. I can't really express my emotions at this point because, well, there are so many of them and I'm still in a bit of disbelief and shock. All I know is it feels like being punched in the gut and having your heart ripped from your chest. All I know right now is I've never been this relieved to have to sit in a dark room for hours. I'm not sure how, but at some point today, I will have to leave the dark, comforting solitude of the microscope room and actually interact with people without falling to pieces. I can't imagine how much harder this would have been if I didn't secretly prepare myself for this before?

Edit: I'm an emotional wreck. I though the Xanax and wine would at least help in numbing the anguish, but alas, no luck there. I'm just thrilled to know that my RE is glad that this is a step in the right direction and shows that at least we are able to conceive. That completely helps ease the heartache of knowing that the life that was growing inside me for 6 short days will soon be expelled from my body like a bad memory. I know eventually I'll heal and be ready to move on, but right now I'm mourning. Mourning the loss of a life that will never be, but meant the world to me.