Hello, again.

It's been a while. Way too long. Like 6 months too long.

The up-to-date-ing will definitely be broken up as 6m is way too much to pack into a single post.

Life has really been a whirlwind since Lucy's birth (probably before it if I'm totally honest). Ups and downs, lots of highs and possibly more lows. Lots of beginnings and too many ends.

There are other reasons I haven't written other than time because in truth, I could make time to do a few sentences if I had really wanted to. There were times that I came close, but just couldn't. I'm pretty certain I had a decent spell of PP depression. Whether that was compounded or caused by a host of issues including finances, nursing issues, reflux and dairy intolerance (for which I went and still am dairy-free in my diet) from Lucy, I'm not sure. I am sure that there was lots of crying in this house, though I don't know which of us 2 cried more.

Things would get better, then something would happen, and BAM- down I went. Some times it was something big, but mostly not. I felt guilty a lot for not truly enjoying Lucy like I did Em in that newborn honeymoon phase. Once the reflux and screaming/crying kicked up at ~2.5w, I was doubting myself as a mother, our decision to have a 2nd, everything almost.

Things got a bit better around 4-5m PP. Then lil miss over-achiever decides to start army crawling. Yes, at 5m. I was already having huge issues coming to terms with being done. This kid seems to feel the need to shove it back in my face by being in such a hurry to grow up and not let me revel in this last age of babydom. That hasn't slowed down any, either. She was sitting unassisted at 6m. Full on hands and knees crawling before 7m. Teeth at 7m. Pulling up at 7.5m. Edging before 8m. And now, just shy of 9m, she's been trying to stand unassisted and walk. She just doesn't understand "SLOW DOWN!"

Em is growing way too fast as well. She already get sarcasm. Can dress herself from head to toe on her own. Use the bathroom all alone. Grasp hard concepts like relationships like grandma= daddy's mom and aunt is cousin's mom, and harder ones like illness and death. She's been Forward facing in dad's car for a while now and about to turn in mine. Helps with chores, some unassisted and other big kid things that make me want to cry and cradle her like a newborn again.

The IF jealousy, frustration, and spite/rage have returned as people I know get knocked up on accident from just 1 time and other fertile-myrtle crap. I've also had to revisit the loss emotions in comforting several friends as they endured heart-wrenching losses- a missed miscarriage that required 2 D&Cs and a miscarriage from a surprise pregnancy after testicular cancer surgery and chemo treatment. That was all topped off with a friend of a friend (who lives a few neighborhoods over from me) having her labor end in a stillbirth.

While there has been so much joy in my life these last 6m, there has been so incredibly much loss and heartache. The biggest of which was the news my FIL had lung cancer, followed by it metastasizing to his liver, chemo not fully working and it spreading to his brain and bones which radiation helped with slightly until it spread systemically. We got the call at the tail end of good friend's wedding that we needed to go visit ASAP if we wanted to say goodbye. He passed 2 days later on May 4th. I still hurt for the Boy, for Em, for Lucy who will never really remember him, for my MIL who lost her best friend of almost 43yrs and for his faithful choc lab that is still waiting by the windows and doors for him to come home over a month later. Telling and explaining it to Emma was quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Seeing her cry at his viewing about killed me. I still can't talk or write about any of that without immediately welling up with tears if not full blown crying or sobbing.

As it is now 10:30pm, I'm crying and have a headache from the immensity of those last 4 paragraphs, have been sleeping for crap due to a teething almost-9 month old, and need to go nurse said child to sleep now, I'll wind this "quick update" post that turned word- and emotion-vomit up.

Hello, again, blogging world. I've missed so much! Enjoy this picture.

Father's Day can Suck for Men, too.

I generally don't do this, but I just had to write this post. It was prompted by an email I received completely out of the blue.

This is a part of the ALI community that is seldom heard from, because they have to be "strong." One particular statement got to me and made me feel a bit sad that the Boy felt he had to remain strong and support me through the miscarriage. I don't truly know if he wanted to grieve, but felt like he couldn't.

"During this time, I discovered that these “silent grievers” actually
hungered to share their stories, to speak their children’s names aloud and
describe what had happened."

They are trying to raise funding to publish and promote this book on their own as major publishers "mentioned that this is an honorable book, but men typically do not buy these types of books. Basically, they were saying that this book couldn’t be profitable enough for them to invest in it."

I'm sure I'm not the only one that disagrees with this and feel it just another barrier that the rest of the world puts up to prevent IF and loss from receiving the attention and support that other medical conditions do as it is "uncomfortable." I would have loved to have been able to purchase this book for Hubs after our loss. My heart breaks to know that a book like this does need to and actually does exist and that the authors had to suffer such tragic losses (after IF) themselves. It helps though to know that I can take part in making this resource available for others that undeserving find themselves in that position and situations.

I would really appreciate it if you would take just a few moments to go to the site and read about the project as well as contribute to it, either financially or with your own story.

I'm a statistic.

My life has become numbers and statistics, and none of them have anything to do with anything scientifically significant like they use to.

Cycle days (currently 2), days post ovulation, number of cycles (8), number of months (7), possible estimated due date, today's date (2/1). 1st beta hCG 24, progesterone 16. 2nd beta hCG 4.6. Numbers, numbers everywhere.

About 10% of the female US population will experience some form of infertility. 1 in 6 couples will have difficulty conceiving. One third is female issues; one third is male; 20% is unexplained, and 10% is a combination of partner issues. There is a 20-25% chance of conceiving each cycle if sex occurs during the woman's fertile period. 1 in 5 pregnancies will end in miscarriage. Of that, half will occur before a heartbeat can be detected.*

I am 1 in 6, that 10%, that 1 in 5 and that half. I am that <0.1% of the US married, TTC population that have had difficulty getting pregnant because we both have reproductive issues and the pregnancy ended in miscarriage before there was a heartbeat. I am the current face of infertility and loss. And right now, I feel like just being that number, a statistic. I'm fine with it. Numbers just are what they are. They can't help being odd or even, can't control if they are prime or not.

My infertility is nothing I've done to myself, nothing I could control. This miscarriage is what it is. Sure, it is my loss, but it's not my fault. It just is. I'm not saying I'm ok with it or that it is just a loss and nothing more. I'm far from ok, but right now I just am. I am ok with just being right now. Just being what ever I feel I need to be. If that is angry or sad, confused or numb, than that's what I am. I can't change it. I don't want to change it. I shouldn't have to change it. And I'm not going to change it.

The amount of support I have felt and been shown the last 2 days is remarkable. Women I don't know, never met, will probably never meet have sent me their condolences, their sincere sadness for my loss. The friends that I have online and a few that now in person have offered me any support I feel I need from them and their heartfelt sympathies. Unfortunately, there have been several women I have met and those I have not, that have also sent me their understanding and can commiserate with what I'm going through. Even my male boss, has shown me understanding, compassion and support. My husband had been the greatest. While he is not experiencing this loss as I am, he is still disappointed and sad. While he is not emotionally distraught, he has no problem with me being what ever I need to be and doing what ever I need to do. He even offered to make me a bowl of ice cream for dinner which I so greatly appreciated but did not have any appetite. *** He actually has taken the week off work to be with me after talking with his manager. I love my husband!***

This amazing outpouring of sympathy and support, while it doesn't change anything, makes this process slightly easier. I may be a statistic, but at least I'm not alone.




* Statistics taken from Resolve: The National Infertility Association and The CDC's Division of Reproductive Health