Hello, again.

It's been a while. Way too long. Like 6 months too long.

The up-to-date-ing will definitely be broken up as 6m is way too much to pack into a single post.

Life has really been a whirlwind since Lucy's birth (probably before it if I'm totally honest). Ups and downs, lots of highs and possibly more lows. Lots of beginnings and too many ends.

There are other reasons I haven't written other than time because in truth, I could make time to do a few sentences if I had really wanted to. There were times that I came close, but just couldn't. I'm pretty certain I had a decent spell of PP depression. Whether that was compounded or caused by a host of issues including finances, nursing issues, reflux and dairy intolerance (for which I went and still am dairy-free in my diet) from Lucy, I'm not sure. I am sure that there was lots of crying in this house, though I don't know which of us 2 cried more.

Things would get better, then something would happen, and BAM- down I went. Some times it was something big, but mostly not. I felt guilty a lot for not truly enjoying Lucy like I did Em in that newborn honeymoon phase. Once the reflux and screaming/crying kicked up at ~2.5w, I was doubting myself as a mother, our decision to have a 2nd, everything almost.

Things got a bit better around 4-5m PP. Then lil miss over-achiever decides to start army crawling. Yes, at 5m. I was already having huge issues coming to terms with being done. This kid seems to feel the need to shove it back in my face by being in such a hurry to grow up and not let me revel in this last age of babydom. That hasn't slowed down any, either. She was sitting unassisted at 6m. Full on hands and knees crawling before 7m. Teeth at 7m. Pulling up at 7.5m. Edging before 8m. And now, just shy of 9m, she's been trying to stand unassisted and walk. She just doesn't understand "SLOW DOWN!"

Em is growing way too fast as well. She already get sarcasm. Can dress herself from head to toe on her own. Use the bathroom all alone. Grasp hard concepts like relationships like grandma= daddy's mom and aunt is cousin's mom, and harder ones like illness and death. She's been Forward facing in dad's car for a while now and about to turn in mine. Helps with chores, some unassisted and other big kid things that make me want to cry and cradle her like a newborn again.

The IF jealousy, frustration, and spite/rage have returned as people I know get knocked up on accident from just 1 time and other fertile-myrtle crap. I've also had to revisit the loss emotions in comforting several friends as they endured heart-wrenching losses- a missed miscarriage that required 2 D&Cs and a miscarriage from a surprise pregnancy after testicular cancer surgery and chemo treatment. That was all topped off with a friend of a friend (who lives a few neighborhoods over from me) having her labor end in a stillbirth.

While there has been so much joy in my life these last 6m, there has been so incredibly much loss and heartache. The biggest of which was the news my FIL had lung cancer, followed by it metastasizing to his liver, chemo not fully working and it spreading to his brain and bones which radiation helped with slightly until it spread systemically. We got the call at the tail end of good friend's wedding that we needed to go visit ASAP if we wanted to say goodbye. He passed 2 days later on May 4th. I still hurt for the Boy, for Em, for Lucy who will never really remember him, for my MIL who lost her best friend of almost 43yrs and for his faithful choc lab that is still waiting by the windows and doors for him to come home over a month later. Telling and explaining it to Emma was quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Seeing her cry at his viewing about killed me. I still can't talk or write about any of that without immediately welling up with tears if not full blown crying or sobbing.

As it is now 10:30pm, I'm crying and have a headache from the immensity of those last 4 paragraphs, have been sleeping for crap due to a teething almost-9 month old, and need to go nurse said child to sleep now, I'll wind this "quick update" post that turned word- and emotion-vomit up.

Hello, again, blogging world. I've missed so much! Enjoy this picture.

Can I just run away and hide?

I am so overwhelmed by life these days. The only thing that makes any sense to me and I enjoy is spending time with Emma. Even when she's super cranky, over-tired, and doesn't want to be put down or changed.

I am sick of 1/2 the people at work and all the drama that goes with them.

I'm exhausted and sleep deprived.

My house is a complete disaster.

Our bank account is a hot mess.

I just can't seem to keep anything together these days. They only thing I feel like I'm doing right is Emma.

I can't keep track of my days or hours and before I know it, a week or month has gone by. And I've forgotten to do something or pay a bill. I will sometimes even wonder if delayed post-postpartum depression is possible and maybe I need a med re-evaluation. *Sigh*

My evenings and weekends are a reprieve from the rest of life. Even if I am practically chained to the couch with a baby hanging off my chest the whole night. But I'm there with her. Doing my best to play and talk with her, trying to make her feel better from her mean, mean un-budging teeth. Some times she cries unless I nurse her. Some times she just wants to play. And some times, she just wants to me hold her while she sleeps.

Weekday mornings suck. Weekdays in general suck. I pretty much live my days waiting for that afternoon "break" to see her, and then, pass the time at work until I can go home. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. Meh. I'm working for the weekends.

And I live for Sunday mornings. Just Emma and I in bed. We sleep in. We spend over half and hour just playing in bed. Laughing. Giggling. Rolling around. Cuddling. I wish that is how all day and everyday could be. It's one of the few time I feel truly happy and content these days. For that 30min or so, everything feels right. I feel like I have to be doing something correct to have a happy child that smiles for me and wants to be with me.

And in the end, I guess that's more important than what my co-workers think or what my credit score is...

So I think I'm just going to run away and hide in bed with my Emma-nem.

Do Clocks have Wings?

Because time just keeps flying by me! I can't believe it's been so long since my last post! I don't have any real excuse other than life has just been super busy and I've been trying to spend as much time with Em in the evenings after work as I can!

Here's what we've been up to lately:

I turned 29 back at the end of May. Strangely, I'm actually looking forward to the big 3-0. We were visiting the Boy's folks for the weekend. They were blown away by how happy and active Em is!  Unfortunately, I caught pink eye because of his grandmother. It was just and only me, thank goodness!

We went to re-PG SIL's parent's for Em's cousin's 1st bday "mermaid" party. Em was the only kid under 2 that didn't hate being in the pool. In fact, she loved it! It must have seemed just like a big tub for her.

Em turned 5m on Friday. She is quite the character and becoming more and more her own little person! She's getting too long in the torso for most of her 3-6m onesies. She's rolling around and spinning circles. She even pushes up on her arms and will push off of one of her legs, just not at the same time. Yet. She loves her feet and hands. My hands. Boy's hands. Oh and eating our faces! She's blowing spit bubbles and making "ba" sounds.

Cheeky Monkey!

We are sorta starting Baby led solids. Em has really taken an interest in our food and insists on "eating" when we have food. She's tried bananas (love), apples, carrots, rice, grapes (skinless, love), teriyaki noodles, green beans, and mash potatoes + gravy (love). No teeth yet, but she can work those gums!

It's getting harder almost each morning to leave her at daycare and head to work. Sometimes, I even contemplate finding a different job that is strictly 40hrs or allows me to work from home some. Sigh... I love how my priorities have shifted

Drained (and not from pumping)

The last few weeks have been crazy.

Work.
Home.
Emma.

And I think I've got it pretty easy since she's such an easy and good baby. I get almost 6hrs of sleep a night. Sure, it's actually broken into 2-3hr chunks, but we are up, eat, and go right back to sleep. I don't think it is a lack of sleep that makes it all feel so hectic, though.

I'm THE primary care-giver to all living things in our house. I oversee the pets are fed, watered, pottied; Hubs may do the grunt work for some of it, but generally at my "request". I pay the bills, do the shopping, etc. Add onto all that working no less than 40hrs/wk, feeding a darling daughter, keeping on top of her clothes and diaper laundry as well as our own, trying to make sure there will be something for dinner, and trying to keep up our stock of expressed milk.


My typical day goes as follows:
- Wake up for the day when the Boy leaves for work at 6:30a and feed the babe
- Get dressed while she's still milk drunk and sleepy
- Put her bottles for daycare in a cooler (her diapers and wetbag were re-stocked in her daycare bag the night before)
- Eat something, make a lunch and pack snacks, pump and accessories
- Feed, water, and corral the pets for the day while we are gone
- Feed and change Em one last time and load her daycare bag, my pump bag, purse and carseat all into the car.
- Drop baby off and head to work.
- Work 8-10hrs, work in 2 pump breaks/snack/lunch into my unpredictable schedule.
- Head home and feed the pipsqueak upon my arrival.
- Possibly make, but at least eat dinner
- The next 2 hours are spent doing bills, email, prepping bottles and diapers for the next day, pumping again, cleaning bottles and pump parts, (a bit of computer free time), dessert/snack
- Get ready for bed, last evening feed, and turn in until our 2a-ish meal, followed by the 5a meal


Lather. Rinse. Repeat.


I don't know how women with multiple little ones are even remotely able to function. I don't have a clue as to how women that have twins, triplets, etc survive it.


I love the time I get to spend with Em, but the evenings after work seem too short and her too sleepy. Mornings are just too hectic for real quality time, which is probably why we stay in bed until the last minute! Returning to work definitely has made me more appreciative of the time we do have together. Those 8 weeks home had me yearning for a "break" and me time. Now, I seem to be watching the clock at work, counting down the minutes until I'm able to leave and snuggle my munchkin!

Random Run-down #2

I think I'm going to start doing these "Run-downs" periodically when lots of little things go on, but nothing worth a huge, full post on their own.

Monday - I felt a true, unmistakable, genuine baby movement after dinner. Since then, they've only gotten more noticeable. I can pinpoint the common times of day that the little bugger is most likely awake and practicing it's baby-fu (mid-morning and after dinner are the most active times). It's a pretty incredible feeling. Also, completely weird and mildly disturbing at the same time. It's crazy.

Tuesday - My youngest sister "moved in" and will be staying with us for a bit. She's relocating from the town she went to college in to this area and needed a temporary lay-over. Almost 1 week in and so far so good. We haven't had the best track record/experience with letting family (BIL) and friends stay with us, but here's hoping things continue to go well. Plus, she likes to cook and bake. Oh and totally loves the dogs (Hello! In-town pet sitter!).

Wednesday - found out from my mom that my dad was laid off from his job. He'd been with the company for 15yr. They needed to cut some expenditures and the more senior supervisor (not managers mind you) seemed to have taken the brunt of the pink slips. While that completely and totally sucks, it means he can find a new job (hopefully soon) that he likes better. My parents will be fine financially as he gets a week paid for each year he worked and all his stored up PTO. Their only real worry right now is health insurance. The only exciting bit from this all is that there may be a chance of them moving to this area as well!! I would be pretty stoked about that!

Thursday - Wellness appt for the pups! They are "prime" examples of happy, healthy pooches! "Great dogs." I've apparently done a great job with them as they are "so well behaved and look fantastic!" Our almost 6yr lab mix, Mazzy, has only the tiniest hits of tarter on her teeth and the only health problems they have are Cricket's joint issues and Mazzy's chronic ear infections. They are such great dogs that they "volunteered" to participate in a study at the Vet school. I felt kinda bad for them as it required vaginal swabs, but they were champs like always. I totally felt for them though.

Friday - Not so great work day. Was straight up lied to by the newest co-worker. I had to clean out a waterbath and scrub it because it was completely gross and smelly. Apparently, it was all clear the day before when she put our stuff in it. That and I've noticed how much time she spends talking without working, talks on her phone, does non-work related stuff on the computer (which we are "prohibited" from doing), and just all-around wasting time. She's pissing me off.

Saturday - The Boy finally was able to feel The Baby move/kick! Each time he's tried, it stops or he only notices my GI movement. His reaction was classic. Que eyebrow quirk, a smirk and a bit of a giggle/chuckle. I was practically in tears, I was so touched, and he's only mildly amused. Oh well. We went ot the $1.50 theater and saw Pir,ates of the Cari.bbean 4. Good movie. Plus, I stayed awake through it all, didn't have to leave to pee, and was comfortable in the theater without a jacket on.
We ended our evening with a pseudo-birthday grill out at a friend's house. It was great to see them all again. As they were Boy's friends that I inherited, he was in charge of telling them all. Oops. It was still a bit of a surprise to quite a number of them. the fact that I'm almost 18w was pretty much a surprise to everyone though!  The food was absolutely delicious! Chips and mango salsa. Veggies and dip. Cheese (with the mango salsa). Black bean and corn salad. Caprese soaking in balsamic. Grilled jerked chicken. Mac & cheese (by yours truly). Homemade Pina Colada ice cream! Pecan cinnamon swirls. All 3 of us thoroughly enjoyed it!

I'm not looking forward to my dental appt on Tuesday morning. I'll have to inform them I'm pregnant and answer the hygienist's barrage of questions. With instruments and a spit sucker in my mouth. I hope they don't yell at me for not flossing...

Then, Thursday is the big day. THE Anatomy Scan. With a perinatologist. I really hope all the baby's structures are just as they should be, and its little heart is perfect. I'm also hoping that the little one is modest and won't have all the "goods" in full display. We shall see. I can't wait!

Lonely, but not alone

Ladies,

Thank you all for the support and understanding the past few days! I'm not sure why I'm in this mopey funk, but I'm glad to know that I'm not alone or crazy in feeling what I am.

It apparently isn't just sadness. I was tearing up reading ya'lls comments. I just felt overwhelmingly touched. I'm apparently over-emotional right now. It's ridiculous.

I almost cried talking to my boss today when he was complementing on doing my job so well and not causing any drama for him or HR, in light of the co-worker leaving today. Again, I was so touched that I almost teared up. I didn't even do that when talking with him about the miscarriage.

I'm thinking I'm just going to try and get all these tears out this weekend. We plan to just spend it in, cuddling with the pups and just enjoying our little "family" at the moment. We'll probably squeeze some yard work in there some where. It's going to be nice just focusing on us, so I think that would be a better setting for the "Big Cry "than having to work and function the day after. And no baby shower!

An Over-achiever not achieving at conceiving

What happens to an over-achiever that is not achieving? They aren’t under-achieving or just meeting expectations. They just aren’t achieving.

What happens is they start to lose IT.

Sanity.

Self-confidence.

Emotional stability.

Control.

All of IT.

Just gone.

No matter the past accomplishments and victories, whatever is being un-achieved dwarfs them in comparison, shrinking their importance. They don’t seem so great or as impressive as they use to be. The shine has been dulled and tarnished, shadowed by the non-achieved looming before the OA.

It is heart-wrenching. Utterly devastating. Completely stagnant. Totally me.

Right now, I am on a paper that is being submitted to one of the most prestigious scienctific journals. I’ve been working on this project for almost 3yrs now. I’m 4^th author out of about 20. It’s huge! The OA in me would be a bit smug and excited that so much work and effort has finally paid off, Big Time!

Instead, I would trade it all in, without batting an eyelash, to be pregnant right now. I would hand over my graduate degree, my position of importance and authority in the lab, my fairly decent paycheck, and 4^th author status on a ground-breaking paper/project for a baby. Not a moment of hesitation.

OA’s don’t do that! The point of over-achieving is to prove your worth, to get you where you want to be, to prove that you can do things and do them freaking well! Being recognized for a job well-done is the whole reason I over-achieve! I don’t work my butt of for things just to turn around and drop them.

It is a bit strange to think about it this way, but I have put far more effort into making (and keeping) a potential baby than I have into probably anything else in my entire adult life (save my marriage- constant effort that is well worth it). I’ve put loads of time into it. Researching. Reading. Practicing. I’ve invested large amounts of money into it. Doctor appts. Medications, vitamins, supplements. Opks and hpts. And yet, no matter how much time, money or effort I put into the baby equation, I don’t get the correct answer, the desired outcome.

With the input I’ve given to this whole “creating life” project, I would be expecting something like triplets to be the end product if I were to compare it to completely unrelated past experiences. Instead, I have negative product. Debt. Wasted time (can’t get back those hours I spent looking for positions/vitamins/chants/crystals to increase my chances of pregnancy). Loss.

I haven’t achieved. Nor have I under-achieved. I’ve just made no real, tangible progress. That is a hard pill to swallow for me- and that’s saying something given the number of medications I’m ingesting on a daily basis at this point. I can’t say I’m failing, because I’m not. One doesn’t fail if they are trying their best and making the effort. I’m just un-succeeding. Un-achieving. Un-pregnant. Feeling more and more Un-me.

Choppy waters

A little nautical reference if you will. I'm feeling a bit lost on the high seas in the midst of storms. Nothing is really moving in a desired direction. My little dingy is at the complete mercy of things I can't control or influence.

The ovarian cyst is more than I had anticipated it would be. Dr. Google is absolutely right that the pain is amped up during menstruation. Ouch! I physically haven't felt like doing much of anything in fears of over-doing it and causing my angry friend to rupture. I like to think I'm a pretty tough cookie as I usually shoulder through most things, but I've had to resort to the painkillers to deal with my uncooperative body the last few days.

I'm quite a bit upset that I can't take my Femara this cycle. One more thing that is now out of my control. No telling when I'll end up ovulating this cycle. Yet, I'm secretly hoping that I'll hit the jackpot and be able to say that we ended up being one of those stories were after months of medical intervention, the cycle off from them is the cycle we conceived, all on our own and get to take home a baby from it. It's a long shot, but I have a tiny glimmer of hope that it could happen.

Outside my body, things are a bit tumultuous at work. The co-worker that returned from maternity leave a few weeks ago is making things a nightmare. The boss and her had an agreement that he would keep her on until after her maternity leave so she could have insurance for the birth, etc even though her funding has completely run out. He has bent over backwards trying to help her and keep her with an income during a very delicate time. She apparently isn't keeping her end of the deal. She won't resign, so he is left with 2 options: fire her and she gets no benefits or unemployment (and the rest of us have to take on her responsibilities) or keep paying her for the mandated 60d from termination notice and jeopardize the whole lab.

She can't really meet her job requirements anymore between her frequent (and necessary) breaks to go and pump, and her issues with child care. Between  her and the baby's daddy, they make a pretty decent living and are well above the poverty line. But somehow, they are unable to pay for any form of child care and have to rely on when their families (who aren't local) can stay to watch him? At the same time, she can go and have her hair cut and dyed, he can buy a new laptop, they can go out to eat and buy new cloths and such? I just don't get it?! They had 9m to work out how to afford a child and then 8wks to figure out care.

It makes me so furious! I've had to struggle and work my butt of for the things they are taking for granted! You have to make sacrifices for the things that are important to you! In college, I had to work 30hrs on top of my full course load to put myself through my undergraduate degree. My parents couldn't really help much financially at the time. Hence, my >$35k in school loans. But since I had to work for it, I made sure to get all that I could out of it. I'm proud to say I was able to pay my own way and be able to come out with a 3.8 GPA while working almost full-time and taking difficult science courses. For grad school, the Boy and I lived off of less than $25k a year between him working full-time, my stipend and any extra money we could make on the side. We lived in a crap apartment, then townhouse, still managed to pay our bills, pay our large medical expense and still save a bit. We didn't go out and party much because we really couldn't afford it.

Now, sure we are making more money, but a good chunk of it goes towards medical related things as well as our chances for a baby. We are not only having to physically work for our child to bring home the money to pay for housing, food, etc., we are having to pay for the chance to even conceive each and every month. It's a lot less than some people have to pay for the same, but still, it's an additional financial responsibility we have. Our financial well-being and baby dreams are now being influenced by someone that won't even make some minor lifestyle changes to afford child care! Our chances at a planned and much wanted baby are in jeopardy because of someone that accidentally got pregnant and can't put the needs of the child or others before their own wants!

Between all this, I've just wanted to pout and cry this weekend. Just sit and wallow in my own despair and pessimism. I know part of it is just because of the gloom that accompanies my period each cycle, but the rest is genuine feeling of hopelessness in our situation. There isn't anyone I can truly talk to about this in person/real life as the only person we know that went through any form of "infertility struggle" is my PG-SIL and all she does when we talk is go on and on about their situation and doesn't really listen. It doesn't really help that she is 8m pregnant and that's all that she seems to be able to talk about. I can understand that, but it's obviously not something I really want to keep subjecting myself to, all things considered.

I hate feeling so lost and alone, sad and hopeless.

I should have taken a Topography course in college

Then, I'd be able to figure out what's what on a map. Then, I'd be able to figure out where the heck I am and how to get to where I want to be. I wish it was as easy as it is in the game "Life". All I'd have to do is draw the card and BAM! baby in the back seat.

Another thing crushing down on me is my SIL's impending baby shower. April 16th. I have 30 days to figure out what the heck I'm going to do. I've put off helping her friend organize it by using the "busy with work" excuse. I got the invite last week and haven't responded yet. I don't want to say yes and either make myself go or chicken out of it at the last minute. I don't want to say no and have to deal with all that goes with it for the next 30 days. Help?

EDIT: SIL and BIL know what's gone on as the Hubs told them a few weeks ago. His parents are the only other members of his family that know. Her shower is going to have other SIL and several other relatives that would definitely ask questions if I'm not there as we only live <30min away. I could make it through the shower with enough X.anax, assuming I'm not pregs by then (most likely not). I'll probably sit on it for a bit longer and see if I find any clarity. I'm pretty sure I'm just going to buy them something online as I can NOT go down the baby aisles w/o tearing up.