So much stuff...

So much stuff going on with life these days.

We've had 2 snow storms in the last 3wks. The 1st was nice. We had ~4in of soft, powdery snow that we had a snow day as a family to enjoy. Em loves snow. The dogs loved it, too. The 3 of them together was hilarious and adorable! It was my favorite type of snow. Came in soft and pretty and practically melted in a day or 2!

Yesterday, we got about 8in in about 4-5hrs. It was ridiculous. I left work when it started snowing, and it was coating the roads in the 5-10min it took for me to get my stuff together and get to my car. I then took 30min to make it the mile to Em's daycare that normally takes 5-10min. The rest of the drive home was unreal. We finally made it home 3hrs after leaving the care center. Can I say how much that sucked? A hungry, bored toddler stuck in the car that was pretty much not moving. She ate all my snacks, so it sucked even more as I was starving since I didn't get lunch before leaving work. I should have just stayed home yesterday. I was in the car longer than I was working, and it wasn't a super productive day. We plan to just hibernate and not leave the house unless absolutely necessary until the roads are all better and clear. I am so over this winter!

Unrelated to the weather, we've started to tell family and some very close friends about the pregnancy. While we were Sky.ping with his parents, we went over Em's stats from her 2yr appt and mentioned that she's a completely happy and healthy big sister. His mom flipped and was super excited and happy! She was hoping we were going to say something when they came up for her birthday, but things were too uncertain then. We went out that Saturday to Once.upon.a.child for their grab bag sale. I was absent-mindedly looking at the maternity clothes. My mom was talking about how they are comfortable and could be worn when not pregnant or I could get them now for if we'd need them sometime later. All I replied with was "maybe" and she came back with "Or sooner?" My reply was a sly "maybe?" That's not exactly how I had wanted to tell them, but they were excited too. She even guessed how far along I was, strangely enough.

Boy told his brother and SIL when we were over for Super Bowl Sunday. Their reactions were lukewarm at best. All his other brothers and their wives were happy and excited for us as were my sisters. Our friends that have a little girl 2w younger then Em were excited for us too. I filled my boss in since it means there are certain lab protocols I can't do any more. He was very happy for us.

Regarding work, things are going ok. Busy as usual. One of the grad students (the slacker and jinxed one) is also pregnant, 3w behind me. This should be interesting... My initial reaction was a huff and eye-roll that I had to really force to suppress. She wanted to make sure what she had to be concerned about lab-wise regarding staying safe for her and the baby. I have to applaud her on that as the last pregnant co-worker didn't seem to care about that, never mentioned it to me, and I had to bring it up after other lab members filled me in when she went FB public. [Not that mentioning concerns about reagents or protocols changed how or what that person did, at all.]

As far as my pregnancy, we are both doing good so far. I had my 1st bout of queasy and sick last weekend/early this week. I didn't eat immediately after getting up and ended up throwing up one morning. It was hard to keep eating for the rest of that day. Ick. So I've since realized that I need to eat almost constantly, but at least every 2hrs. If I wake up at night, I need to eat. When I wake up in the morning, I need to eat within 10min of waking, as well as eat breakfast with some form of protein. Prior to going to bed, I also need to eat again; lately, it's been a bagel with cream cheese. Oh, and I've had cravings this go round. I didn't' really have any with Em, but this time, there are things that I NEED to eat when I think about them or see them.

I've also meet with a Certified Nursing Midwife (CNM) in the area. She was really great, smart, and funny. She was ok with my weight, even checked Em's weight on the scale, too and took both of our blood pressures. All I have to do is sign a form when she sends it to me and do the copay, then I'll be all set for preparing for a home birth. I've researched it since I learned about them a few months after Em was born. It looks like a really good option in my situation as I had a very low risk pregnancy last time that ended in a quick and complication-less delivery. Plus, as a friend pointed out, even if the CNM isn't able to make it the house in time if this (hopeful) birth goes faster, I'll have supplies here and be in the comfort of my own home rather than popping a baby out on the side of the road. We won't have to worry about having someone to watch Em or the pets for the day or 2 we are in the hospital. Also, since this is 99% sure to be our last pregnancy and baby, I'll get the chance to experience a different birth scenario and location than the hospital. I initially looked into going to the "local" birth center, but it is about an hour drive just to get there.

I've been checking off and on with the doppler over the last week or so to see if I can pick up a heartbeat on my own. I got one with Em at a little over 9w, so was curious as to when I could catch one this time. Last night, laying in bed before trying to go to sleep, I gave it another whirl. I heard it! It sounded like a freight train. Chugga chugga chugga. Love it. Hubs wanted to see if I could catch it again this morning for Em to hear. I did eventually; she was only slightly interested. It was such a relief though to be able to hear it. In a local parenting and birth FB group, several women that are about my gestation have had missed miscarriages, and it had me a bit worried. *Sigh* I really hate loss and infertility.

And since it's been a winter wonderland/nightmare here, some obligatory snow pics!

Enjoying it coming down before bedtime

1st snowman!

Laundry basket sledding!

Snow angels!

This afternoon's round of snow on top of the 8" we got yesterday...

Growth

Today was a big appointment day for us all here.

Em had her 2yr well check. She was great until things actually needed doing while there. Where it is usually hard to keep clothes on this child, she was very reluctant to take a single thing off in the office. She went ballistic for her weight check, height check and head circumference. Then, she was a peach. She's right on target for her. She's about 34in tall (48th percentile), 24lbs (25th percentile), and 47cm head circumference (43rd percentile). She's gained percentiles! She's getting so big. Too big...

She was ok for the Dr, even tolerated the stethescope better this time. Probably because we've been playing with the basic one I've had for ages at the house. She loves to listen to our "haarts, babbumph." The shot, on the other hand, she was NOT a fan of, at all. It had an equivalent effect on her as if the doctor broke her leg. She couldn't, or rather wouldn't, comfortably walk on it and kept showing and talking about her boo-boo. The stickers were a big hit, though.

My big appt was this morning. There was growth there, as well. A heartbeat, too. I was given the option of either being released back to the OB/GYN's office or coming back next week. Initially, I was going to have them transfer me back, but over the course of the walk from the exam room to the check-out counter, I had a change of heart. I go back next week for one last check.

On a last note, I realized that the 3rd anniversary of that 1st pregnancy, that 1st surprise that it was even possible, is approaching. Maybe that played in to my need for the additional scan? I'll fill you in on how that one goes.

ps- the PIO shots are the worst this time. Butt knots galore.

Roller-coasters

Life has been a series of roller-coasters since the holidays.

The weather has been going up and down, up, way way down and back up. It's super annoying and gives me short lived joy at the thought of a warmer winter. The worse was last week, or was it the week before, where we went from highs almost in the 70s to a high of 22 (low was in the single digits), all in the span of a day or 2. I know it's not that obscenely cold as many parts of the US (and world) are colder and snowier than that for months at a time. But NC is the South. The South isn't suppose to get that cold!! Plus, I'm irritated that we have to keep light jackets and heavy coats out and accessible because who knows which you'll need tomorrow!

On top of the weather, work has been something else. I was (am) working on a collaborative paper that has been in the works for over a year and a half now, almost 2yrs. It was so annoying to have to go back to revisit data from 2+yrs ago, even more-so due to the fact that it was spread across 2 diff computers as my old work computer died out and all my data was transferred to 2 different location and not all of it was reloaded on my current computer. Plus, a co-worker that is also one of the lead authors keeps adding and requesting new things to it. I can't write at work because of other co-workers always asking me petty little questions or mentioning trivial things, nor can I write at home as I have a 2yr old who I'd rather spend time with than write and a home that does need to be cleaned and chores needing to be done at some time. Blah. The new hire is doing a bit better, but I still find myself having to repeat and re-explain things. Maybe it has to do with that age group? I don't know, but it is super irritating and annoying.

Works not been all negative, as my boss has been pretty appreciative of things, and I feel like I've accomplished a good bit by the end of the year. Plus, work was closed from Christmas eve through New Year's day. That was 10d with Em, and they were mostly fun times! As usual, all my Christmas shopping was almost last minute. My favorite gifts were for my mom and MIL- painted handprint Santas and footprint Christmas tree and penguin with cornstarch dough. Em had a blast making those! Christmas itself was nice minus 2 things- SIL was very annoying, irritating and self-centered and Em threw the biggest tantrum of her life Christmas day. For the 1st time ever, we had to soothe her by driving around the neighborhood at 10:30 at night to get her to stop screaming and settle down to sleep. Oh man, it was something else. The rest of Christmas day was beyond fun with her though!

Of course, just for fun and just in case, I POAS Christmas morning. Not surprisingly, it was negative. No Letro.zole rx, so late ovulation on cd21. I was only 5dpo. Way, way too soon for anything to show up. Not that I thought that cycle would work any way. Here's where the super-duper stressful roller-coaster begins, think along the lines of those huge wooden, rattly, old ones...

Since I used up my Letro scripts and needed to do a reconsult to get it filled, I deferred until after the holidays as I couldn't stand to have more bad news like we did back in 2010 just before Christmas. On top of that, TTC#2 has just been wearing me down. I was thinking of taking a hiatus and revisiting TTC at some point in time later in 2014. I just wasn't feeling the excitement or hopefulness of it anymore. I was getting to the point of complacency and just going through the motions. Did I even want a 2nd kid at this point? Em's pretty freakin' awesome and I love her to absolute pieces, so I don't think I'd feel incomplete or anything. Our finances are much less than ideal currently so and additional kid in daycare plus needing a new car to fit 2 carseats in would be adding new strain on our already lean bank account. I was tired of all the stress, tracking everything of my cycle, peeing on things, waiting, disappointment, more waiting. Blah...

CD10 rolls around and as I've not had any single symptom one way or another- no PMS but no nausea, adversions, headaches, nothing- I decided to POAS that was laying around under the sink that evening. Of course, it would be negative!

But it wasn't.  How on earth did that 2nd line get there! Also, the RE's office was closed for non-emergent appts. My Ob's office was able to fit me in for a beta and progesterone draw, and told me only after I had been there and completed it, that it would be about 2-3 business days. -.- (no other way to express it than that emoticon). Oh and did I mention that I only had 3 more suppositories? Yeah, had to get that rx filled as well, but thankfully, the compounding pharmacy was still opened and actually had some in stock!

I told Hubs that evening (hey, I held out a full 24hrs this time!) with a card and a test. Then we headed out for some NYE festivities. Really great timing there as I really could have used a night of inebriation! Here's the quick run down of the next 7 days:

Thursday, 1/2- beta and progesterone at REs - hCG 84, p4 was 17
Monday, 1/6 - repeat draws at RE's- hCG 631, p4 still at 17. Ob calls with 1st draw results- hCG 25 and p4 13.2
Wednesday, 1/8- another repeat draw- hCG 632- Also, Em turned 2!!
Thursday, 1/9 another draw to check if it was lab error or something was wrong.-Not ectopic, was even a bubble in my uterus and hCG came back at over 1,600. Follow up u/s scheduled for Thurs the 16th.

Then, we focused on Em's little family get together birthday celebration. She had fun, got some great stuff and did fantastic with a real cake, real candles and ice cream even!

Carrot cake w/ cream cheese icing is great for hair styling!

 Thankfully, other than being cold and rainy, the next 7d were rather uneventful. We went back on Thursday and had the repeat u/s, at ~5w6d. That little bubble, had grown into a yolk sac and there was the start of a fetal pole even. We head back again this coming Thursday to confirm the presence of a heartbeat (at ~6w6d, it should be there).

Thankfully, my only symptoms are tiredness, a bit of bloating, and the appetite of a teenage boy. Not sure I would have been able to handle all that stress and worry on top of all day nausea, headaches and overall blahs like I had with the last 2 pregnancies.

My EDD is 9/12, my BIL bday, and that would make 9 September birthdays between our families if everything works out as "normal". Yup, another September baby- the one month I had hoped to avoid. Looks like my secret to success is to try treatment for a few months, give up hope but still "try" half-heartedly, expecting utter failure.

It took me almost a week to decide to write and post this. It's weird knowing that I'm pregnant, without feeling like it or really expecting it at all. It feels a bit disconnected from me. But maybe that's what happens when in the course of a week you go from deciding not to keep TTC (or take a break), find out your pregnant, have crazy doubling hCG levels that then stall, leading you to fear either an ectopic or loss of a potential twin, to everything looking alright. All I know is that the next 8m had better be a lot smoother. Good thing this is the last baby as I don't think I could handle TTC, the worry and anxiety of TTC and being pregnant after IF and loss one more time.

So Over This All

November can suck a nut. It pretty much came in horrible and is going out with AF starting.

The Hub's grandma wasn't doing well when the month started, so our weekend trip just to visit became saying goodbye. I'm glad we had planned on going as she passed while we were there. I'm also glad as Em helped take his mom's mind off of things a little bit, a pleasant distraction for her. We headed back 3d later for the funeral.

Work has been harried to say the least. Between being in and out for family related items and training the new person, I'm beat. On top of all of this, I've had to do my own stuff, new things that continue to pop up, new deadlines, and trying to write a friggin' paper for a study we completed ages ago. It's been wearing me down all month.

I need a break.

I was hoping I'd be rewarded for being supportive of family, getting things done, and it being the start of the holidays. Earlier this week, I was feeling run-down, kinda sick and nauseous. I was also beyond irritated and emotional with the trainee as she didn't have a clue what she was doing even though she'd been taken through the protocol at least 2 if not 3 times prior. Monday night even had me there past 7p, and that was late enough that I missed out on spending time with Em before she went to bed that night. I was crushed! I sucked it up and kept thinking that whole Kharma thing should kick in eventually.

I was spotting yesterday at 9dpo. Implantation, maybe? I had a barely there positive with Em by this point and a similar bleeding/spotting with the m/c at 11dpo. Maybe, just maybe...

Hahaha. No.

Not to be wholey negative, there are several things I can be thankful for at this time. Good news, though, is that O was on cd15 and 9d LP is better than 7d and definitely 3d. Also, Hubs is great, for the most part. And I will always be thankful for Em each and every day. She's had a bit of a language explosion the last week or so. New words are flying out left and right from this girl! She is such a trip- silly, sweet, cute and her new thing of giving me hugs, pats and kisses melts my heart!

We also put up light and the tree today, which she was completely crazy about.

CD20

Well, looks like the Letro.zole is working. Not quite as well as it did pre-Em, but I'll take cd20 over cd90 any day!

A few things of note this cycle (and somewhat from last, too) (Lots of TMI to follow):

1- Leading up to O, I feel the need to pee more often. I normally nave no issue going most of the work day with out a trip to the loo, but around O late, it's every 2hrs, easy.

2- My cervix is not the same as it was before. Other than the opening being diff, the location and texture is way different. High is not as high as it was, nor is soft as soft. It also seems like rather than being at the end of the tunnel (so to say), it's a skylight towards the back. When it's low, it is almost touching the bottom side of things.

3- Holy EWCM!! I get it 3-4 days in a row and by the bucket loads. It practically vanishes as soon as I get that +opt though.

4- Speaking of pee sticks, I've been getting my +opt 1st thing in the morning. Before, it was later afternoon or evenings. And those sticks go from zero test line, to hint the day/evening before, to positive. No gradual darkening.

5- Em has learned that it is ok to pee on paper/sticks. And it's funny to try and stick stuff in the toilet while mommy pees.

6- I feel more uncomfortable and moody pre-O than I do pre-AF. I seriously sport a bump leading up to ovulation these days. The girly bits are rather swollen  and sore feeling too.

7- I'm just as worried about things not working out as I am about being successful.


I'll be picking up the lovely progesterone suppositories likely Tuesday afternoon/evening. Boy, and I looking forward to those. Here's to getting that June bug baby...

In the meantime, more gratuitous Em pics for your viewing pleasure. I can't believe this girl is 20m old, now! I don't think I can keep calling her a baby for long.

4.

My ovaries doth mock me.

2 days of positive opts. A slow temp rise, then a half degree jump. Ovulation confirmed!

Woo freakin' Hoo!

Except not.

Started spotting at work the next day. Light flow by night. Cue cd1.

While I'm glad that marathon cycle ended, I'm really feeling crushed by a 4d luteal phase. It was like planning a party for months only to have it whittle down to a few sparklers. woo.

It was at least nice and light for the last 3 days. I guess that's something.

I've been back and forth and back again for the last few months. It was a mute point prior as I hadn't ovulated in 3 months. Now, though, I finally had a new cycle. A decision needed to be made.

I filled the Letro.zole Rx. took the 1st dose today. I'm a bit glad that the pharmacy I dropped the progesterone script off at couldn't fill it as it needs to be compounded, but they filled the Letro. Was it some grand cosmic sign? Emma says "noo."

On the good news front, Little Miss has had a few tinkles, dribbles and drops in the p.o.t.t.y the last few days, rather than peeing on the floor. We've decided it's not worth the fight 2-3x each evening to change her diaper against her very determined will and have just been letting her run a-muck, naked as a jaybird. Well, almost naked. Shoes seem to be the only article of "clothing" she not only tolerates but requests.

It's hard to mope around when this amount of adorable silliness calls your name.

In Sickness and in Teeth

So sorry for the radio silence!

Since my last post (my baby turned 1?!), it's just been crazy between work, home, being sick, and Em teething.

1st off was THE anniversary. The most awful anniversary ever. The whole week, I just felt this overwhelming dread and was intensely sensitive and emotional. I fluctuated between wanting to punch the Oops! Pregnant. co-worker in the face and bursting in to tears each time I saw her. I didn't realize until the 2nd why I felt that way. It occurred to me while I was telling Boy about wanting to switch up our Super Bowl plans as the last 2 years sucked (m/c and then last year find out SIL was pg). Ding! Light-bulb moment. Guess I'm still not over that...

Then Em got the crud going around daycare. Then I got the crud from her. I kicked the snot and congestion in a few days, but I still (2w later!) have the nagging cough and can't shake it. It sucks. I have had to cut almost completely out all forms of dairy and most wheat stuff due to phlegm and coughing until I about pass out. Not cool.  I even pulled a muscle at the bottom of my rib cage from a coughing fit. Boy caught the crud too, but after a few days of a stuffy, runny nose, good as new. Ugh, men.

And for the last month, Em's been working on teeth. Well, more accurately, the teeth are moving up, but nothing has broke through the gums. They are just these hard lumps and some swollen bits in her mouth. I'm thinking she's getting them all in a row at the starting line, then will open the gates and Bam! Tooth-splosion. I'm looking at the other 2 bottom incisors, possibly canines, and the 1yr molars. It sucks. She's gone from sleeping almost 6-8hrs straight in her crib, to waking up after 5hrs and then waking every 1-2hrs after coming to bed with us. Of course, it's pretty much just sick, run-down me that is being kept up from 3/4am each morning.

Work has sucked as well. I have the Oopsie! co-worker that not only is  shoving her huge belly in my face daily, she's also 1 step from being incompetent. She asks some of the dumbest questions and doesn't even take the time to try and figure or find things out for herself. "Sure, I'll stop this time critical protocol to help you figure out what to put on a label." Grrrr! I'm not sure if I've mentioned it here, but she is seriously naming her kid Jack Spar.row. Specifically, after the PotC character. Oh, and she plans to nickname him Captain.... Ugh. And it's been just really busy with deadlines and surprise samples and projects cropping up, not to mention the hand-holding I have to do in training a new grad student that is rotating through the lab. So I have to coordinate her work and teaching her, do my own lab work, ordering (that people forget to tell me we are running low on things until we are practically out), and taking care of dumb and trivial crap for other lab members.

I'm sick, tired, irritated, and run-down. I promise that I'll have a happier post soon. I have tons to fill ya'll in on regarding non-work life, Em's new skills and abilities, and the excitement and fear that is contemplating TTC#2.

12 months = 1 year. Whoa...

Holy cow... When did this happen? How do I no longer have an infant, but a toddler instead?

The Holidays were great, but super hectic and busy. I loved having the 10 days straight with my little one, and it made going back to work after New Year's Day that much harder. After that, it was getting things ready for her *First Birthday Party*.  So this post is a bit late and likely, a bit long and photo heavy.
 
We did Christmas morning at our house and then headed over to my parents for the rest of the day for Christmas dinner and more presents! Em made out like a bandit, getting lots of toys and clothes. Several days later, we drove down to visit with my in-laws, where Em got more presents and some Christmas cash. All in all, it was exhausting, but she loved it and got the hang of opening gifts. It was great practice for her birthday.

We had a shoot with the photographer that did our family photos (that were used in the holiday card I posted last). In prep for Em's 1st birthday party, we did a cake smash session. It was ridiculously messy, and crazy fun. Em knew just what to do with the cake and had no fear. She did have to stop for milk breaks a time or 2 and was in definite need of a bath directly after we finished. The photog did a great job. I'm glad she didn't make me choose just my 5 favorites as I don't think I would have been able to narrow it down to less than 8 or 10. Here are a few tidbits.

I went back to work; she went back to daycare. That Thursday, I went to feed her in the afternoon as usual. They told me she had thrown up a little bit ago. Thinking it may have been from post-nasal drip/phlegm she's been having, I nursed her. We got up from the chair, and vomit volcanoed all down me and in the chair. Then a 2nd time about 10 min later. She left daycare early and the Boy took care of her the rest of the afternoon until I could leave work. She just kept throwing up. Poor thing was just tired and not feeling well. After a slightly better Friday of me staying home with her and limiting food, but pushing liquids in little volumes, we made an appt that Saturday. We would have done so sooner if she had a fever or anything else, but she seemed her normal self when not puking. Turns out, it was a pretty good ear infection in both ears from the cold we all had a few weeks before. Antibiotics and rest were the prescription. And this is where I think I have one of the strangest kids. She LOVED taking the Amox.icillin. LOVED it! She also gulps down any of the Ty.lenol/Mot.rin we've given her previously. She was feeling more herself in a few days, no throw up, and by the following Wednesday/Thursday, I got to sleep in another position than sitting up, holding her.

Then she turned 1 on the 8th. It was a bittersweet day, to say the least. It honestly feels like we were trying just a bit ago, I was pregnant the other day, and she was born just yesterday (almost). Time has flown faster than I could have imagined. We spend that whole week prepping the house for her party on the 12th. When you don't really have time/energy to clean well over a span of, say, a year and a half, it is a beast to tackle in a week. Thankfully, we got it most of the way, and what we couldn't get went to hide in the office.

Her party was a good bit of fun. We asked for books instead of cards, and boy, did she ever get books! There were 8 kids there under 5yrs, and my 11yr old niece. Most surprisingly, no one had a tantrum or breakdown. All the little ones had a good time in the living room, playing with toys, each other and the dogs. We did presents after all had arrived and had time to eat some of the snacks/food we set out. Presents were immediately followed by cake and cupcakes for the guest. Em really dug getting to eat a cake all to herself again. Another bath ensued directly after that. The day was a whirlwind for me, and I had forgotten to take photos of it all before the party started. Darn it.

As for what she's up to these days, she is quite the busy body. Her staggering walk is morphing into a run rather quickly.  Still keeping to the "d" "p" and "b" sounds. No "mama" yet, just lots of "doad" and "dada."

Dogs. One of her favorite things. Her dogs. Dogs on tv. In a book. A puzzle. A picture. A bark. All of them prompt a "Doad" from her. She loves a good puppy dog.

She's a genius. Well, maybe not genius, but she's figuring things out. How to stack and unstack things rather than just knock them down. Taking things in and out of containers, which she likes to open and close as well. The other day, she took the pitcher we use for giving the dogs water, and dragged it over to their bowl and turned it upside down onto it. Granted, there was nothing in it (thankfully!), but she got the picture.

Sitting in chairs. It's crazy to think about how fascinating chairs are, but they seem to be the other big thing she's wild about right now. She tries to climb into her highchair. She'll climb into her bumbo-like seat. And since my parents brought it over, the kid-sized lawn chair. which brings me to the next item...

Climbing. Oh Lord, the climbing. If it is her height or less, she'll climb on just about anything. The aforementioned chairs, the dogs, toys, laundry baskets, us, and unfortunately, even the fireplace. I'm guessing it some ingrained, left-over instinct from our monkey days as she hasn't seen us climb anything, but she just seems to know how to do it and what's the best way to get up to where she wants to be. I see some very tiring days in my future.

She's working on a few more teeth. The level of drool and gnawing are astounding to me compared to what she had/did with the last round. I'm hoping these come quicker as I don't think I have another month of practically sleepless nights in me.

There is probably more things I meant to talk about in this post, but by this point I've forgotten them. Besides, I think this has rambled on long enough. Hopefully, since all the hectic-ness of the holidays and her birthday have settled, maybe I'll be able to post more. We'll see. I really only have a bit of time free on evenings while she's sleeping, otherwise I'm chasing or otherwise entertaining my toddler. Sigh, I can't believe she's no longer the little tiny thing we brought home, but an honest-to-goodness toddler...

Happy Holidays to all!

I know this time of year can be really hard and rough for those still in the trenches. Heck, 2 Christmases ago, we were told that we had a better chance at winning the lottery than conceiving without IVF and ICSI. That was a sad, sad holiday season for me. All I wanted was a baby.

Last year, the only thing I wanted for the holidays was the same, except I was 38w and that dream rainbow baby could have come at any moment. I just wanted a healthy baby born.

This year, I can't really think of much I want for Christmas. Not something that can be purchased for or gifted to me. I can't wait to see Christmas through the eyes of a child, and this year, it's going to be my child. I love the fascination Emma has for the twinkling lights, brightly wrapped presents under the tree, and playing with the (child-safe) ornaments on the tree.

Christmas is a time for family and friends. Those by blood, by marriage. Old and new. Near, far. Those IRL, and those only a mouse click away. I'd like to say that you are all part of my blogging family and internet friends.

From my little family to you, Blogosphere: Merry Christmas, Happy, Hanukkah and the very happiest of New Years. May your dreams come true in 2013!

Primetime, Month 9

Wow.

Three quarters of a year. Done and dusted. Insane.

My Lil' Miss is a little one. Just 15lbs 5oz (6th percentile), but 27.5" (45th percentile) and a head circumference of 42.3cm (13th percentile). So her weight and HC switched percentiles and she hasn't gained any additional weight since her sick baby visit last month. This will make sense after reading what she's been up to these last few weeks!

So what is new from last monthly update?

- Honest to goodness crawling. The Commando-crawl has upgraded to full-on hands and knees action, 95% of the time at least. Boy, is she getting fast!

- "Dancing"  Baby girl has some groove. Unfortunately, her moves are more akin to her daddy's at the moment. Leg giggles and bouncing. Swaying. And the funniest is this new head wiggle and roll thing she does, a la Stevie Wonder.

- Standing for a few seconds on her own. Plus, she's trying to get to standing from crawling and sitting, all by herself, in the middle of the floor. 

- Big girl foods. We've been doing Baby Led Solids for months, but she's been eating the "school food" at daycare for breakfast, lunch and snack; impressing all the ladies with how she packs it away. She impresses me and others as well. Girl can eat!

- New sounds and noises. Em likes to hoot and holler to hear her own voice a lot. Common sounds include "Dadada," "Bababa," "Tata," "Hhaa!" "Aaah!" "Huuhn," "Uhh" and clucking her tongue.

- Super pincer action! Puffs and Cheer.ios don't stand a chance! Neither does Daddy's nipples or chest hair.

- Waving Hi. Her's is a bit of Miss America/parade style. Dainty and all in turning the wrist.

- Copy-catting.  She tries to copy some things we do like facial expressions, sounds, and toy play. Some times, it just takes 1 or 2 times before she has it down.

And one of the most exciting and saddening things: her 1st tooth! My baby is no longer a gummy-smile little thing. Her bottom, left broke through on the 2nd after I noticed it red and swollen that morning. I was checking it that afternoon, after feeding her at daycare, and BAM! I felt it on my finger! Now, she has the right, bottom tooth and both top teeth looking either swollen or showing a white line at the tip/edge. I'm waiting for her to start biting things rather than just gnawing on them...

I'm thinking I may be adding walking on next month's update as she loves edging and walking around holding our hands or fingers. She's getting so good that sometimes it just 1 hand.

She also attended the 1st bday of our good friends' little girl. She was quite the hit, smiling and flirting with all the people, and the older women there couldn't get enough of her. I also got a sneak-peek at her cake reaction. We were going to share a slice of the Dr. Seuss cake, but before I got a bite in, she had sunk her hands into all and was shoving pieces in as fast as she could chew it. She was a blue, happy, mess.

Awesome shot of her during the 5min she kept the hat on!

We'll be visiting the in-laws this coming weekend and hanging with Boy's brother that lives in Cali but is visiting for several days. It will be the 1st he's met Em, as well as for other relative's that will be attending  the surprise 40th anniversary party for the in-laws that's being thrown.

Until next time, here is some more Em-love, in case you, like me, can't get enough!

Greek yogurt is fun AND tasty. Goes great with peaches.

Daddy love to tease her with small tastes of candy

It's exhausting being this cute!

Can I just run away and hide?

I am so overwhelmed by life these days. The only thing that makes any sense to me and I enjoy is spending time with Emma. Even when she's super cranky, over-tired, and doesn't want to be put down or changed.

I am sick of 1/2 the people at work and all the drama that goes with them.

I'm exhausted and sleep deprived.

My house is a complete disaster.

Our bank account is a hot mess.

I just can't seem to keep anything together these days. They only thing I feel like I'm doing right is Emma.

I can't keep track of my days or hours and before I know it, a week or month has gone by. And I've forgotten to do something or pay a bill. I will sometimes even wonder if delayed post-postpartum depression is possible and maybe I need a med re-evaluation. *Sigh*

My evenings and weekends are a reprieve from the rest of life. Even if I am practically chained to the couch with a baby hanging off my chest the whole night. But I'm there with her. Doing my best to play and talk with her, trying to make her feel better from her mean, mean un-budging teeth. Some times she cries unless I nurse her. Some times she just wants to play. And some times, she just wants to me hold her while she sleeps.

Weekday mornings suck. Weekdays in general suck. I pretty much live my days waiting for that afternoon "break" to see her, and then, pass the time at work until I can go home. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. Meh. I'm working for the weekends.

And I live for Sunday mornings. Just Emma and I in bed. We sleep in. We spend over half and hour just playing in bed. Laughing. Giggling. Rolling around. Cuddling. I wish that is how all day and everyday could be. It's one of the few time I feel truly happy and content these days. For that 30min or so, everything feels right. I feel like I have to be doing something correct to have a happy child that smiles for me and wants to be with me.

And in the end, I guess that's more important than what my co-workers think or what my credit score is...

So I think I'm just going to run away and hide in bed with my Emma-nem.

Crazy Eights

Ok. I promise at some point I'll make more than just these monthly(ish) posts on Em. I honestly don't know where the hours and days (and weeks and months!) go these days. I always seem to think up things to say when I have no way to put them to paper or type. One day though...

Speaking of time flying by, Em is a freaking 8m old now! When did this happen? I mean other than "on Sept 8th".

New things going on:
- Commando-style crawling, that I think resembles a seal on land. Boy, is she quick though!
- As of Thursday, lowering herself to sitting from standing, intentionally and controlled. It sound simple and mundane, but is a pretty big deal in babyland.
- Sitting to hands & knees and attempts to stand from there. It really just ends up looking like downward-facing dog.
- Fishy/kissy faces and playing with her tongue. She makes noises that sound like a pig grunting.
- Pinching. This one is not so fun while feeding or holding her...
- Moving or "cruising" from couch to ottoman to what ever else is within reach around the room.
- Waving bye-bye or signing "milk." I'm not entirely sure which...
- Separation Anxiety. Mommy is the end-all-be-all and, at times,heaven-forbid if I set her down to do things or leave the room/turn the corner. Thank you, babywearing!
- Out of the infant car seat/carrier; hello big girl convertible car seat!
- She's officially been moved over to the mobile/ "big kid" side of the infant's room at daycare.
- Continued teething, but no teeth yet. They look like they are coming (hopefully) soon!

Chasing after Mommy. Can't believe she'd just set me down here!

Mommy is my favorite gym!

Em also had her 1st sick baby visit to the ped. She started having this spotty, pimply rash on her legs, chest, and back. There had been a couple of cases of Hand, foot & mouth (coxsackie virus) at the center, so I took her into check. Not anything to worry about as it was just a reaction to a common little virus that will need to run it's course. She didn't have any fever or diarrhea, just eye gook.

Em shared her 8m birthday with her new cousin. The previously and now PG again SIL had her boy that afternoon. 7lbs, 20in at 37.5w = a big boy; . It's odd to think that Em was smaller than that not too too long ago...

Still not much going on with me these days. I've been dealing with De Quervain tensynovitis or "mommy thumb"  in my right and dominant hand and having to wear a stabilizer brace off and on for the last several weeks. I'd also like to thank babywearing again as it let's me carry her without strain on my wrist or awkwardness in using my left side.

Just another sign that my body sucks at hormones.

An additional, more obvious sign is the unwelcomed return of acne. I was super lucky that pregnancy actually improved my complexion. It was soft, supple, and practically pimple free! Now, it's back to being (and possibly worse than before) dry, oily, and just break-outs galore. I've tried mild soaps, acne washes, toner, just water, moisturizers, oils - I'm not sure what else to do. I've been trying to drink extra fluids as I've heard hydration is the best thing for your skin, but no such luck here.

I know it's a common complaint among IFs, but it still pisses me off. I know it's possible for me to have fantastic skin as I was blessed with it for ~9m. I mean, I already miss being pregnant. This is just one more thing that make me miss it even more. Mind you, I'm not looking to start on #2 yet or for a while. I just want to have the pregnancy experience without the labor and all at the end. Oh and I could do without the nausea of it as well. I feel kinda weird admitting that as it seems sacrilegious to say after IF and to those going through it. "I want everything about being pregnant, except the baby at the end." I absolutely loved being pregnant, but as for another baby, I really just want to focus on Em and enjoy her for another year or so before adding to our family.

Heads up! Seven up!

Wow. Sorry it's been a month since my last update. Other than Em, not much else is going on in my life. Work is the same. There isn't much else to talk about other than this little girl at the moment.

Em is doing great with solids. She loves eating and will eat just about anything we give her. Bananas, frozen canned pumpkin, sweet potatoes, applesauce, pear and peach slices, yoghurt melts, baby puffs, pretzel sticks, zucchini, squash, chicken breast... the list goes on and on. The only pureed food she gets is at daycare, but that's only because they provide it at no additional cost. She can easily pack away a whole jar of food or 1/2 a fruit/veggie in one sitting.

Other things my eating machine does these days:
Sit on her own
360 turn while sitting
Bend all the way over and get back up to sitting
Pull herself to something
Roll and roll and roll
Blow really loud, wet raspberries
Pull herself to stand (but can't always get her feet under her the right way)

and most recently, hands and knees action. No formal crawling yet, but I fear it is soon. She just has to realize she can move her knees to go forward, and she'll be gone!

In order to try and spend more time with her during this ever changing stage/age, I've started going to the daycare on my 2nd pump break and feeding her there. Since they filled the room we were using as a lactation room on my floor to the 1st floor on the building across the street, it actually takes the same amount of time for me to go there, pump for 20ish minutes and get back as it does for me to go to the center, nurse, and drive back. It's unreal, but I love the extra 20min with my little girl.

Speaking of nursing, on Aug 4th, we partook in a nursing photoshoot. Here is the teaser link on the photog's blog/site. It was a special session at a special rate to celebrate World breastfeeding week. I am so glad we did it. It might seem so weird to many to have *that* photographed, but I'm comfortable with nursing in public (NIP, coincidentally) and I love the idea of preserving the memory of this special time and that intimate bond that just the 2 of us have. I don't know how long our breastfeeding relationship will last, so I'm super glad to have that essence captured forever. And like I told the Boy, they aren't pictures that I plan on hanging over the mantle or dead center in the living room. They are selfishly for me!

Hopefully, I'll get back here before another month has passed for the next post!

Halfway There, Baby!

Wow. Just Wow. How did this happen? I have a 6m old?! It just seems like the other day that we decided to start trying, then started treatments. Now, we are coasting to that big ONE year!

Happy 1/2 Birthday!

So, where are we at with everything here at 0.5yrs old?

• Rolling from back to belly, belly to back, and several rolls strung together
• Can do belly spins and go a full 360 deg to get a toy or see something
• Sitting up unassisted for long spurts of time without toppling!
• "Dadadada", "Babababa", and singing/shrieking at various volumes
• Popping/sucking her bottom lip
• Blowing spit bubbles and raspberries.
• Started solids - semi-Baby Led Solids as she gets some purees at daycare, my mom's and applesauce or pumpkin at home. Hasn't meet a food yet that she doesn't like
• Reaching out to people to be picked up or held
• Leaning back or to the side in our arms

I would love to add crawling, but she hasn't quite put the arms and legs together. It is one or the other, or a face-plant.


She is still a ridiculously happy baby, quick with the smiles and babblings. She is a very vocal baby. She's laughing at a few more things, mostly when I'm changing her diaper on the changing table. Em and Maz are BFFs, but she like pretty much any furry critter that comes up to her.

Em is the belle of the daycare and has a fan club of several of the caretakers, many not even assigned to her age group. Even though they have the extra work of the cloth diapers and glass bottles, we haven't had a complaint!

She is definitely the cutest and sweetest little girl. And I do mean little. At her 6m well visit, she topped the scales at 13lbs 5oz, 25.75 inches long. She's consistently been in the 10% for weight. The pediatrician isn't concerned as she's easily meeting all her milestones, is still gaining, and is overall super healthy. Plus, this girl loves, loves, loves to eat. She has no problem nursing, eating a jar of food or 1/2 banana 30 minutes later, and topping off with another nursing. She's seems to have a high metabolism as she is constantly on the go, unless sleeping.

Speaking of sleeping, she's not so perfect in that department. She takes about 2 naps at daycare, of variable lengths. Sometimes it's just a 20 minute power nap while others, it is a 3hr snooze-fest! She'll nap once in the evening, maybe. At night, she was only semi-waking twice to eat. Now, thanks to sleep regression, a 3x waking night is doing great. *Yawn*

We hit the beach the 1st weekend of July. Em loves the sand, seemed confused by the waves coming and then going, but had a good time. She definitely prefers the pool and bathtime to fulfill her aquatic desires.

Baby swimsuit model?

All in all. life is going well here. And at neck-breaking speeds. It is so cliche, but unfortunately true. They grow so fast. I'm trying my darnest to enjoy every moment of her!

Do Clocks have Wings?

Because time just keeps flying by me! I can't believe it's been so long since my last post! I don't have any real excuse other than life has just been super busy and I've been trying to spend as much time with Em in the evenings after work as I can!

Here's what we've been up to lately:

I turned 29 back at the end of May. Strangely, I'm actually looking forward to the big 3-0. We were visiting the Boy's folks for the weekend. They were blown away by how happy and active Em is!  Unfortunately, I caught pink eye because of his grandmother. It was just and only me, thank goodness!

We went to re-PG SIL's parent's for Em's cousin's 1st bday "mermaid" party. Em was the only kid under 2 that didn't hate being in the pool. In fact, she loved it! It must have seemed just like a big tub for her.

Em turned 5m on Friday. She is quite the character and becoming more and more her own little person! She's getting too long in the torso for most of her 3-6m onesies. She's rolling around and spinning circles. She even pushes up on her arms and will push off of one of her legs, just not at the same time. Yet. She loves her feet and hands. My hands. Boy's hands. Oh and eating our faces! She's blowing spit bubbles and making "ba" sounds.

Cheeky Monkey!

We are sorta starting Baby led solids. Em has really taken an interest in our food and insists on "eating" when we have food. She's tried bananas (love), apples, carrots, rice, grapes (skinless, love), teriyaki noodles, green beans, and mash potatoes + gravy (love). No teeth yet, but she can work those gums!

It's getting harder almost each morning to leave her at daycare and head to work. Sometimes, I even contemplate finding a different job that is strictly 40hrs or allows me to work from home some. Sigh... I love how my priorities have shifted

4 months

Wow, just realized I never did a 4m update on Em, 10d ago. Oops?

So, yeah, 4 months... It's been pretty surreal. While I was pregnant (as well as before) and during my maternity leave, I knew that I just didn't have what it takes to be a SAHM. I am not "Mom Enough" for all that it requires day in and day out. But that doesn't mean that I don't spend almost all my day at work thinking about coming home to this:

 

If we could swing it financially, I'd only work part-time in a heartbeat! Or if we were rolling in the dough, I'd not work and spend my days doing mommy&me yoga, play groups, and the whole housewife glamor lifestyle.Sigh... Bills and debt bite the big one.

But back to her update! Little Miss's stats at 4m were 11lbs 11oz, 24.75in long, and ~39cm head circumference. Those fall in the 10%, 70%, and 5%. In other words, I have a long and lean, boob-sucking machine! The pediatrician we saw this time called her "small" even those she was about the same percentiles at her 2m where that Dr said she was just fine. I'm in no particular rush to jump to solids to get her to "gain more weight" at the moment as she is consistent in her percentiles and her growth curves are smooth and increasing. Besides, cereals are just baby gruel and don't provide that much in the way of nutrients other than calories for the most part.

In other growth and developmental news, she is also a rolling machine! She flips from back to belly *like a boss* these days and had been great with belly to back for over a month now (she really hated tummy time back then). She puts weight on her feet and legs when stood up and tries her hardest to pull herself to sitting if reclined. She is quick with the smiles still and giggles are starting to be just as frequent. Her hands, toys, and yes, even her feet are always on their way to or from her mouth. Em-n-m has not only found her voice but exercises it in various pitches and volumes. She is a huge fan of her fur-siblings, but only the pups reciprocate the love.

More than anything else, she continues to win my heart each and every day. I couldn't hide it if I tried - I love this kiddo to pieces!

Medication-induced Mumblings

North Carolina in Springtime-

Very beautiful, but horrid if you suffer from seasonal allergies even in the slightest.

I'm up at 5am, unable to sleep or stay asleep due to a wonderful case of allergic sinusitis thanks to the pretty flowering trees and plants. My general practitioner has given me some steroids, nasal spray and recommendations of rest and fluids. Since the meds are BFing-friendly, no problem there and I'm trying to make sure I drink more so I don't have a drop in supply. The rest part is going to be the most difficult because what mom of a 3m old gets lots of rest? Plus, the meds wear off by bed time and leave me feeling like poo and unable to sleep. So what better time to write a update post!? (Hope it is coherent!)

1st off - Holy moly! I have a 3m old baby! How did that happen? Em is doing great and melts my heart frequently. Just over this past weekend she's erupted into babbling and is starting to have coordinated movement. She how reaches for things and actually can grab them and hold on! As tummy time was generally a bust for us, we've done lots of sitting up "practice." She likes to see everything and take it all in, all the time. It has apparently been paying off in spades as Em is now trying to pull herself into a sitting position frequently when propped lounging. My little genius is also trying to roll over from back to belly and almost has it. Just needs to figure out how to throw her shoulder into it. She's a whiz at going from belly to back though! The daycare ladies say they are really impressed with her development here as most babies aren't trying to do these things until closer to 5m! Go Em!

Work is getting a bit more normal feeling. I almost think I have a daily routine down. Almost, but not quite. I'm able to pump just enough each workday for the next day's daycare bottles, and use a few extra sessions on the weekend to give me a cushion of bottles in the fridge for when Hubs has her in the evenings until I get home. I'm still figuring out timing things for work and pumping to reliably get the max amount of milk, but without waiting too long and it being painful and mostly foremilk. Most days, I can find that balance, but not all the time.

Lastly, I'd like to discuss the debacle that was my IUD "placement" appt at the end of March. Seriously, it was ridiculous, ended up not getting done, and rescheduled for April 23rd. First off, the office calls the day before to check to see if I was scheduled for an IUD placement the next day and at what time. Hello! Thought they were suppose to know that and remind me! They also wanted to know if I would be able to come in earlier for that appt as apparently they double booked the time slot. Sorry, but I have to request the time off a bit more in advance than the afternoon before. So once I get there, they make me collect a urine sample, just to make sure I'm not PG. While I didn't mind complying, I'm pretty sure I know that it was pretty much an impossibility. Well, I mean it could have been immaculate conception, but I don't think I'm quite pious or righteous enough for that to happen. Plus, there's that whole "infertility" issue that would have hampered things if they had actually occurred. Not surprisingly, the test was negative.

Now for the fun part. I had to schedule the appt with the Dr who did my post-partum check, who was the Dr that "delivered" me. Not my fave Dr of the practice, but not my least fave. Until now. I've had an IUD placed before. Given that I was "null parous" (ie- no prior births), my favorite NP had me insert a cyto.tec pill to help soften up the ol' cervix and to schedule during my monthly visit. Since I don't think I've technically resumed that wonderful monthly occurrence and have actual given birth (to the most perfect baby, I might add), it should have been a walk in the park for us both. Right?

Wrong! The whole time, the speculum felt like it was on the verge of falling out, the assisting nurse didn't seem to have a clue what she was doing, and the Dr didn't have much more insight, or so it seemed to me. After the initial u/s to check my uterine size and position, the 1st bit wasn't much more than some discomfort. But then she had difficulty getting the catheter through my cervix and needed to use a dilator (which wasn't in that exam room so we had to wait for one to be brought over). Ouch. But still not too too bad. Then, the real fun came when she inserted the cath. Super cramping and OUCH! Just to see where she was in my uterus, the clueless nurse attempted to u/s as the Dr tried to get correct placement. Epic fail. She had actually already perforated my uterus with the cath. Placement was a no-go at this point. If she put the IUD in, it could have migrated out of the puncture. Second, my risk of infection just jumped up. Third, my body would now likely reject the IUD anyways. So out all the equipment came. OUCH. The Dr had apparently also clamped my cervix to "hold it in place" which actually caused some damage and bleeding. Several application of silver nitrate followed. Ouch. Ouch.

I was then re-scheduled for placement, this time with real-time u/s monitoring, in 1 month to allow my injuries to heal, given a Rx for antibiotics, and directions to take pain killers as needed and to expect spotting that might be ashy in color due to the silver nitrate. I had already per-emeptively taken some ibuprofen. The spotting ended up being quite heavy and more akin to bleeding with serious cramps. I have no clue why she had such a hard time with it. The NP that did my 1st IUD was in and out with only minor discomfort and had perfect placement. This time, the Dr blamed it on my "too small" uterus and cervix. I highly doubt that my uterus and cervix ended up shrinking to smaller than pre-Emma status after birth. I am shocked that they were so resilient and snapped back to practically pre-PG size, but highly dubious that they were "too small" for the procedure to go smoothly.

The whole ordeal has left a bitter-taste in my mouth, so to speak. I don't want any form BCP for contraception, but I also don't want to just go the barrier only method. I really like the ease and convenience of the IUD, plus I didn't have any crazy side effects and practically non-existent periods. Is it a sign that maybe I should look into alternative options of pregnancy prevention? I know the likelihood of us actually conceiving without some form of medical intervention is super slim, but right now, I'm not ready to take any chances. I loved being PG and truly miss it, but I'm not at all ready to jump back into that and have another little one, just yet.

With the rescheduled appt coming up, I'd like to get the blog world's input. Would you keep it with the same Dr? I'm not sure if it is an absolute requirement that it HAS to be with delivering Dr or if they just prefer it for consistency or if it is like commissions. Also, I mentioned about getting an Rx for the cyto.tec again, but she seemed to poo-poo that idea. Is it something I should press for in this case?

Drained (and not from pumping)

The last few weeks have been crazy.

Work.
Home.
Emma.

And I think I've got it pretty easy since she's such an easy and good baby. I get almost 6hrs of sleep a night. Sure, it's actually broken into 2-3hr chunks, but we are up, eat, and go right back to sleep. I don't think it is a lack of sleep that makes it all feel so hectic, though.

I'm THE primary care-giver to all living things in our house. I oversee the pets are fed, watered, pottied; Hubs may do the grunt work for some of it, but generally at my "request". I pay the bills, do the shopping, etc. Add onto all that working no less than 40hrs/wk, feeding a darling daughter, keeping on top of her clothes and diaper laundry as well as our own, trying to make sure there will be something for dinner, and trying to keep up our stock of expressed milk.


My typical day goes as follows:
- Wake up for the day when the Boy leaves for work at 6:30a and feed the babe
- Get dressed while she's still milk drunk and sleepy
- Put her bottles for daycare in a cooler (her diapers and wetbag were re-stocked in her daycare bag the night before)
- Eat something, make a lunch and pack snacks, pump and accessories
- Feed, water, and corral the pets for the day while we are gone
- Feed and change Em one last time and load her daycare bag, my pump bag, purse and carseat all into the car.
- Drop baby off and head to work.
- Work 8-10hrs, work in 2 pump breaks/snack/lunch into my unpredictable schedule.
- Head home and feed the pipsqueak upon my arrival.
- Possibly make, but at least eat dinner
- The next 2 hours are spent doing bills, email, prepping bottles and diapers for the next day, pumping again, cleaning bottles and pump parts, (a bit of computer free time), dessert/snack
- Get ready for bed, last evening feed, and turn in until our 2a-ish meal, followed by the 5a meal


Lather. Rinse. Repeat.


I don't know how women with multiple little ones are even remotely able to function. I don't have a clue as to how women that have twins, triplets, etc survive it.


I love the time I get to spend with Em, but the evenings after work seem too short and her too sleepy. Mornings are just too hectic for real quality time, which is probably why we stay in bed until the last minute! Returning to work definitely has made me more appreciative of the time we do have together. Those 8 weeks home had me yearning for a "break" and me time. Now, I seem to be watching the clock at work, counting down the minutes until I'm able to leave and snuggle my munchkin!

2m & the Working Dead

Emma is 2m old, as of yesterday. Also, I've returned to work this week, hence the parody title (The Walk.ing Dead is an awesome show!).

These last 8 weeks I've been able to stay at home with my baby girl have been pretty good. There were a few rough patches and a couple of times things were on the verge of chaos, complete breakdown, or both, but overall, it's been great. I did manage to solidly confirm that, much like assumed, I am not SAHM material. I hated the lack of time distinction. Not knowing the date, day of the week, or really even the time of day unless I was staring directly at a calendar or clock. Heck, I only knew night vs day because a) it was dark outside and b) the Hubs would suggest going to bed. And as much as I love my daughter, I just can't deal with anyone for 24hrs straight, every single day of the week. We'd gotten into a loose routine though and kinda knew what to expect from each other and when. 

Of course, this only happens shortly before things are all changed around with returning to work and daycare. Yes, thankfully, the center we wanted and applied to came through for us at the 11th hour. Last Wednesday evening, I received the call that a space had opened if we were still interested. We were, and she was set to start Monday. Bonus, we qualified for a tuition reduction AND a 10% discount because I work for the university. This ends up saving us $250+ a month in child care!

Work has been alright this past week. I'm a good bit rusty on science-y things and protocols, not to mention missing my afternoon nap.and staying in bed until 9 or 10am. Thankfully, my boss has let me come back at part-time this week, and even next if I'd like. He's been super awesome about everything these last 10m or so. Working 4-5hrs a day is so exhausting right now! I've never been so thankful for the "gift" of 4hrs on continuous as I am these days! It felt like a miracle when Em slept 5hrs Wednesday night. I'm not sure how productive I've really been this past week. People like to talk to ya when you've been out for 2m, even more-so when you've had a baby, and especially so when 90% of the people around you are women! I'm constantly being asked about her, my labor and for pictures. Between all the small chat, brain fog, and pumping every 3hrs, not a ton of real work-work got done each day.

Em's 1st week of daycare has been much smoother than my transition back to the living and working. The daycare ladies in her Infants' room are lovely, don't mind cloth diapering, and let us use our glass bottles (with protective rubber wraps). I didn't cry once dropping her off in the morning, but am always overjoyed to pick her up! Today, she was even awake when I arrived, and got excited by the sound of my voice when I entered the room! I'm not sure if I should feel guilty over my lack of guilt in "leaving her with strangers", but I'm ok with someone else taking care of her as she's in good (and way more experienced!) hands during the day. I'm only really sad to think they might get to experience more of her "1st's" than me. My heart would have broke if someone else had got her 1st smile, coo, or laugh!

But at 2m, my baby girl is up to 9lbs, 5oz and almost 23in long. She's on the small side of the growth charts for weight and head circumference, but on the opposite end for height. Between her long and lean physique and the fact that everyone is saying that she is completely gorgeous and has such great features (and them swearing they aren't just saying that to be nice), maybe we have a potential model on our hands?

Em-n-m: I love that you are growing and learning so much these days, but really not wanting you to grow up. Can't you grow and develop, but stay this small forever?

1 Month

I just can't seem to do things "On Time" these days... Here's where things stand at 1 month(ish) of Emma.

Emma had her 1m Well Baby appt on the 9th. She got her 2nd Hep B shot (only cried for a min or two) and is up to 8lbs 2oz and grew 1 inch! She's too long now for about 80% of her Newborn (NB) clothing. We've given some of them to my fertile friend whose little girl is 12d younger than Em. Some of them, I just can't seem to part with... So she's growing well and is over all a healthy baby!

I'm doing well for the most part. I have my postpartum checkup coming up. Not entirely sure exactly when as I have to try and reschedule it as I just haven't been able to master being in 2 places at once, yet. It's easier to get in with the OB than to find a new time and day that work with the dentist/hygienist. I think I've healed back up well and all, but we'll see. I'm also thinking of getting an IUD placed again as birth control as it is going to be quite a while before we discuss siblings.

I'm not going to lie, there are some aspects of life that aren't going so well. I would love to be getting more sleep, but the lack there of is expected. It doesn't make the sleep deprivation easier, but I've been told that it should start improving as Em will be sleeping longer at night soon. We'll see about that... While she's a good baby most days, there are days that completely make up for her good behavior. Days where she's cranky, fussy, gassy, spit-uppy, and just wants to cry and holler, or eat constantly, or be held but squirm the whole time and needs to be in constant motion. Those are very.  hard. days. Very. Those days, I just want to cry right alongside her and often times I do. While the hubs does help out from time to time, often all she wants is me- either for comfort nursing or just because I'm more familiar (I'm assuming). I feel a bit guilty, but those days, I really miss being pregnant. I miss having an inside baby a lot of the time as it is. I truly enjoyed being pregnant, and even though there were so many mental and emotional difficulties (Thank you, IF!), it was definitely easier than being a mom!

Honestly, there is not one thing about being a parent that is easy. Not one. I'm not saying it's not enjoyable. It definitely is, but it's incredibly hard! It also makes every other part of your life even harder, too. Financially, things are tighter (hello, daycare!- which in itself has been another problem and ordeal of its own). I feel like I barely have time for myself, let alone the Boy. I'm dreading going back to work in 2.5 weeks. I know things are only going to be more difficult then. If I wasn't so exhausted, I would probably be more ashamed of the state of my house than I am right now, not to mention my personal hygiene. And then there is the guilt of feeling this way knowing there are so many couples that would give everything to be right where I am. I was one of them not too long ago.

I love my daughter with all that my being. Her birth was one of the most incredible days of my life. However, looking back, getting pregnant now seems like the easy part. But I wouldn't trade any of the fear, frustration or worries of parenthood.