Roller-coasters

Life has been a series of roller-coasters since the holidays.

The weather has been going up and down, up, way way down and back up. It's super annoying and gives me short lived joy at the thought of a warmer winter. The worse was last week, or was it the week before, where we went from highs almost in the 70s to a high of 22 (low was in the single digits), all in the span of a day or 2. I know it's not that obscenely cold as many parts of the US (and world) are colder and snowier than that for months at a time. But NC is the South. The South isn't suppose to get that cold!! Plus, I'm irritated that we have to keep light jackets and heavy coats out and accessible because who knows which you'll need tomorrow!

On top of the weather, work has been something else. I was (am) working on a collaborative paper that has been in the works for over a year and a half now, almost 2yrs. It was so annoying to have to go back to revisit data from 2+yrs ago, even more-so due to the fact that it was spread across 2 diff computers as my old work computer died out and all my data was transferred to 2 different location and not all of it was reloaded on my current computer. Plus, a co-worker that is also one of the lead authors keeps adding and requesting new things to it. I can't write at work because of other co-workers always asking me petty little questions or mentioning trivial things, nor can I write at home as I have a 2yr old who I'd rather spend time with than write and a home that does need to be cleaned and chores needing to be done at some time. Blah. The new hire is doing a bit better, but I still find myself having to repeat and re-explain things. Maybe it has to do with that age group? I don't know, but it is super irritating and annoying.

Works not been all negative, as my boss has been pretty appreciative of things, and I feel like I've accomplished a good bit by the end of the year. Plus, work was closed from Christmas eve through New Year's day. That was 10d with Em, and they were mostly fun times! As usual, all my Christmas shopping was almost last minute. My favorite gifts were for my mom and MIL- painted handprint Santas and footprint Christmas tree and penguin with cornstarch dough. Em had a blast making those! Christmas itself was nice minus 2 things- SIL was very annoying, irritating and self-centered and Em threw the biggest tantrum of her life Christmas day. For the 1st time ever, we had to soothe her by driving around the neighborhood at 10:30 at night to get her to stop screaming and settle down to sleep. Oh man, it was something else. The rest of Christmas day was beyond fun with her though!

Of course, just for fun and just in case, I POAS Christmas morning. Not surprisingly, it was negative. No Letro.zole rx, so late ovulation on cd21. I was only 5dpo. Way, way too soon for anything to show up. Not that I thought that cycle would work any way. Here's where the super-duper stressful roller-coaster begins, think along the lines of those huge wooden, rattly, old ones...

Since I used up my Letro scripts and needed to do a reconsult to get it filled, I deferred until after the holidays as I couldn't stand to have more bad news like we did back in 2010 just before Christmas. On top of that, TTC#2 has just been wearing me down. I was thinking of taking a hiatus and revisiting TTC at some point in time later in 2014. I just wasn't feeling the excitement or hopefulness of it anymore. I was getting to the point of complacency and just going through the motions. Did I even want a 2nd kid at this point? Em's pretty freakin' awesome and I love her to absolute pieces, so I don't think I'd feel incomplete or anything. Our finances are much less than ideal currently so and additional kid in daycare plus needing a new car to fit 2 carseats in would be adding new strain on our already lean bank account. I was tired of all the stress, tracking everything of my cycle, peeing on things, waiting, disappointment, more waiting. Blah...

CD10 rolls around and as I've not had any single symptom one way or another- no PMS but no nausea, adversions, headaches, nothing- I decided to POAS that was laying around under the sink that evening. Of course, it would be negative!

But it wasn't.  How on earth did that 2nd line get there! Also, the RE's office was closed for non-emergent appts. My Ob's office was able to fit me in for a beta and progesterone draw, and told me only after I had been there and completed it, that it would be about 2-3 business days. -.- (no other way to express it than that emoticon). Oh and did I mention that I only had 3 more suppositories? Yeah, had to get that rx filled as well, but thankfully, the compounding pharmacy was still opened and actually had some in stock!

I told Hubs that evening (hey, I held out a full 24hrs this time!) with a card and a test. Then we headed out for some NYE festivities. Really great timing there as I really could have used a night of inebriation! Here's the quick run down of the next 7 days:

Thursday, 1/2- beta and progesterone at REs - hCG 84, p4 was 17
Monday, 1/6 - repeat draws at RE's- hCG 631, p4 still at 17. Ob calls with 1st draw results- hCG 25 and p4 13.2
Wednesday, 1/8- another repeat draw- hCG 632- Also, Em turned 2!!
Thursday, 1/9 another draw to check if it was lab error or something was wrong.-Not ectopic, was even a bubble in my uterus and hCG came back at over 1,600. Follow up u/s scheduled for Thurs the 16th.

Then, we focused on Em's little family get together birthday celebration. She had fun, got some great stuff and did fantastic with a real cake, real candles and ice cream even!

Carrot cake w/ cream cheese icing is great for hair styling!

 Thankfully, other than being cold and rainy, the next 7d were rather uneventful. We went back on Thursday and had the repeat u/s, at ~5w6d. That little bubble, had grown into a yolk sac and there was the start of a fetal pole even. We head back again this coming Thursday to confirm the presence of a heartbeat (at ~6w6d, it should be there).

Thankfully, my only symptoms are tiredness, a bit of bloating, and the appetite of a teenage boy. Not sure I would have been able to handle all that stress and worry on top of all day nausea, headaches and overall blahs like I had with the last 2 pregnancies.

My EDD is 9/12, my BIL bday, and that would make 9 September birthdays between our families if everything works out as "normal". Yup, another September baby- the one month I had hoped to avoid. Looks like my secret to success is to try treatment for a few months, give up hope but still "try" half-heartedly, expecting utter failure.

It took me almost a week to decide to write and post this. It's weird knowing that I'm pregnant, without feeling like it or really expecting it at all. It feels a bit disconnected from me. But maybe that's what happens when in the course of a week you go from deciding not to keep TTC (or take a break), find out your pregnant, have crazy doubling hCG levels that then stall, leading you to fear either an ectopic or loss of a potential twin, to everything looking alright. All I know is that the next 8m had better be a lot smoother. Good thing this is the last baby as I don't think I could handle TTC, the worry and anxiety of TTC and being pregnant after IF and loss one more time.

So Over This All

November can suck a nut. It pretty much came in horrible and is going out with AF starting.

The Hub's grandma wasn't doing well when the month started, so our weekend trip just to visit became saying goodbye. I'm glad we had planned on going as she passed while we were there. I'm also glad as Em helped take his mom's mind off of things a little bit, a pleasant distraction for her. We headed back 3d later for the funeral.

Work has been harried to say the least. Between being in and out for family related items and training the new person, I'm beat. On top of all of this, I've had to do my own stuff, new things that continue to pop up, new deadlines, and trying to write a friggin' paper for a study we completed ages ago. It's been wearing me down all month.

I need a break.

I was hoping I'd be rewarded for being supportive of family, getting things done, and it being the start of the holidays. Earlier this week, I was feeling run-down, kinda sick and nauseous. I was also beyond irritated and emotional with the trainee as she didn't have a clue what she was doing even though she'd been taken through the protocol at least 2 if not 3 times prior. Monday night even had me there past 7p, and that was late enough that I missed out on spending time with Em before she went to bed that night. I was crushed! I sucked it up and kept thinking that whole Kharma thing should kick in eventually.

I was spotting yesterday at 9dpo. Implantation, maybe? I had a barely there positive with Em by this point and a similar bleeding/spotting with the m/c at 11dpo. Maybe, just maybe...

Hahaha. No.

Not to be wholey negative, there are several things I can be thankful for at this time. Good news, though, is that O was on cd15 and 9d LP is better than 7d and definitely 3d. Also, Hubs is great, for the most part. And I will always be thankful for Em each and every day. She's had a bit of a language explosion the last week or so. New words are flying out left and right from this girl! She is such a trip- silly, sweet, cute and her new thing of giving me hugs, pats and kisses melts my heart!

We also put up light and the tree today, which she was completely crazy about.

Somewhat Good News

3.
Then 6.
Then 7.
Now, 8 and counting!

My LP is slowly becoming longer, most likely thanks to the Letro and progesterone supps. Since I was able to make it to (and past) 7dpo, I took my NP's offer to come in and have my "cd21" levels check. Two things about this irked me, though.  First, they ask if I'm on cd21. Of course, I have to lie and say yes. If I came in on cd21, I'd be 3dpo and won't expect my prog # to be even remotely close to normal. Heck, it was only just over expect for a medicated cycle both times I had positive betas! Second, it took them almost all day to call me back, and started with their preference for scheduling these a day or 2 in advance. It's not really easy to explain to them that you didn't even know you'd be able to get your levels checked in the appropriate time range until the evening before or that morning. I really wanted to get snarky and tell the nurse on the phone "I gave you as much notice as I had in the matter." Not sure how well that would have flown...

In unrelated news, I've peed on just as many hpt sticks as days post-ovulation. I wasn't completely foolish; I waited until 3dpo to start... And took 2 a few of those days... This is so hard! I was so excited that I reached 8dpo this cycle, and with the knowledge that I was already feeling icky at this point with Em, it was a hard urge to not start testing. Plus, I've got like 30 of them sitting next to the toilet. Shockingly (or not), none of them have had more that a lone line on that stark white strip.

I don't think it is going to happen this month. For more reasons than there is no 2nd line yet at 8dpo.
a) My CM just started to change to fertile-like 2d prior to a +opt, not the usual 4-5d lead up.
b) Because of the short notice and the fact that my ovaries have it in for me, we only had one baby-making session in before I O'd the next day. At least my body is keeping with the "O 12-18hrs after +opt" pattern it was prior to baby...
c) I caught Em's cold and have been super congested all this week. I'm sure all the decongestants and mucus-fighting meds I've been taking aren't exactly creating a great environment for a developing embryo.

On a less Trick note, I'm going to share Em's Hallow.een costume. I bought it on clearance at Tar.get last year for $5. After doctoring it with some sleeves and a feather boa, all in, it was still ~$10 for a cute costume. And she LOVED it!

Cutest chicken ever!! Complete with "Baak, Baak", wing flapping, and beak pecking. This girl loves her animal sounds and movements. Carving the pumpkin was pretty fun, too. Squishing the insides was so much fun for this rambunctious toddler. It kept her occupied AND happy for almost 15min!

I'll try to get back and update with my progesterone levels and outcome of this cycle early next week. It's kind of defeating to keep coming back here to say "Not this time" or "Crap short cycle/LP again." While I'd really prefer it to end with 2 lines, I'd be pretty stoked with 10-12d for a LP. Besides, next cycle would mean an August tidbit, and that would be friggin' rad- no birthday month sharing!

Another Strike Out

A swing, and a miss!

Started yesterday after light spotting all morning. Of course, I just thought (hoped) implantation bleeding. AF made sure I knew she meant business this morning!

The stats for this cycle are pretty much the same as last, except O was at cd17 instead of 20, making this cycle only 24d long. As an attempt to keep things positive, one good thing about a short LP is you don't have to wait 2 full weeks for the disappointment!

This is the last cycle I have a script for Letro.zole. After this, I have to go back to the RE for a re-consult. Not entirely sure how that's going to go. Most likely, he'll say I need to fully, FULLY wean. I just don't know if I can do it... She just nurses for comfort, really, and just in the morning. As if TTC#2 wasn't hard enough.

Here's a cute picture of a 21m big girl who is finally letting us do her hair and keeping it in!

CD20

Well, looks like the Letro.zole is working. Not quite as well as it did pre-Em, but I'll take cd20 over cd90 any day!

A few things of note this cycle (and somewhat from last, too) (Lots of TMI to follow):

1- Leading up to O, I feel the need to pee more often. I normally nave no issue going most of the work day with out a trip to the loo, but around O late, it's every 2hrs, easy.

2- My cervix is not the same as it was before. Other than the opening being diff, the location and texture is way different. High is not as high as it was, nor is soft as soft. It also seems like rather than being at the end of the tunnel (so to say), it's a skylight towards the back. When it's low, it is almost touching the bottom side of things.

3- Holy EWCM!! I get it 3-4 days in a row and by the bucket loads. It practically vanishes as soon as I get that +opt though.

4- Speaking of pee sticks, I've been getting my +opt 1st thing in the morning. Before, it was later afternoon or evenings. And those sticks go from zero test line, to hint the day/evening before, to positive. No gradual darkening.

5- Em has learned that it is ok to pee on paper/sticks. And it's funny to try and stick stuff in the toilet while mommy pees.

6- I feel more uncomfortable and moody pre-O than I do pre-AF. I seriously sport a bump leading up to ovulation these days. The girly bits are rather swollen  and sore feeling too.

7- I'm just as worried about things not working out as I am about being successful.


I'll be picking up the lovely progesterone suppositories likely Tuesday afternoon/evening. Boy, and I looking forward to those. Here's to getting that June bug baby...

In the meantime, more gratuitous Em pics for your viewing pleasure. I can't believe this girl is 20m old, now! I don't think I can keep calling her a baby for long.

FINALLY!!

3 months.

90 days.

Finally, a positive opt! I guess 5th time's the charm?

Strangely enough, I've had a +opt for 2 days now alongside a huge temp drop yesterday. I've been feeling very uncomfortable and bloated-like. I'm hoping this is going to be a good strong ovulation that will reset my body back onto a more normal cycle. We've been trying each time I've had that oh so fun vaginal gold (EWCM).

Truncated so it would fit on the screen without having to scroll over so much...
Also, to reflect when I started temping consistently (-ish).

 While I'd be overjoyed if this ridiculous cycle paid off, I'd be completely happy if it just ended as well. In all honesty, I've already looked up the possible due date if we were successful (May 8th, 2014), and we could share the news with family and friends around Thanksgiving. Planning ahead just a bit, huh? I'm also entertaining fears of twins and triplets with how uncomfortable my ovaries have been the last several days. My anxiety has lead to some pretty crazy and out there imaginary worries and scenarios. Fun-times.

If what I expect to happen does, I plan to take the Letro.zole cd4-7 next cycle even though Em still nurses a tad in the mornings. I think if I take it after she nurses, there should be very little in my milk that she's drinking very little of as it has a short half-life and will only be for 5 days. Plus, it's a fairly low dose. I would love a June baby as no one on either side has a birthday in June (or August, but I really don't want to wait 2m to have a positive preg test). This thinking has really driven home how much it suck to be TTC after IF and loss. I don't get to truly be one of those women that can "plan" a pregnancy.

"Gee, August would be such a lovely month to have a baby! Guess I should go make one now. Yipee!" (Which is almost exactly what a friend of mine is worried about right now. Her and her husband agreed to wait until she defended her PhD in October to start trying and had an incident that lead to unprotected sex. Now, they are both a bit freaked that she's likely pregnant. Seriously?! Ugh.)

Anyways, my preference would be to get pregnant ASAP, but I'm not banking on it. At all. Hopefully, it doesn't take months and months and months as I've already gone through 2 of our planned months of TTC with jack-squat happening. I've turned my Rx from the RE for the Letro and progesterone "bullets" into the pharmacy. I 100% plan to start the progesterone after it's confirmed that I've ovulated. I also 100% plan to make and appt to get my levels check around 7dpo as my NP-ObGyn so kindly offered anytime I wanted. It's strange that it's cheaper to do it there than the RE's even though it's the same time and test, so I'm glad I have that option.

I'd like to end this rambling post with this: Trying to conceive is a mind-f*ck and I hope I keep my sanity by the end of it.

(One last edition: I'm addicted to POAS. Again. Good thing I have 50 more opts and 15 more hpts on their way to me in the next few days, right?)

10 Weeks

Yup.

That's the length of this cycle. CD 72 today. I've had a tiny bit of spotting yesterday and today on the tp. And then there is the cramps and uncomfortable midsection. I sure hope that means this marathon of anovulation is ending.

I had my yearly exam on Monday. The NP was also disappointed that my body isn't cooperating. Once things do start going, she says that I can drop in anytime to have my progesterone levels checked after Ov.

Nursing and my weight are the likely suspects. Even though the amount of nursing and milk have decreased, she thinks the stimulation is still just enough to suppress my cycle. Also, even though I'm pretty much where I was pre-PG weight-wise, I should gain the 10lbs that I've been recommended to do for the last 5-7yrs. It hasn't worked well before and I don't hold out much hope this time. I know it sounds like a horrible plight. I know so many woman that wouldn't hesitate to say "I wish I had that problem." But those women aren't likely TTC and having issues ovulating...

Apparently, I'm not "progesterone-deficient" as I previously though but produce insufficient estrogen. This would explain why I had later ovulation than average, low or non-existent sex drive often. It doesn't explain why I had awesome EWCM for days before ovulation or great uterine lining. It's not like I actually expect my body to have conditions that are normal or typical at this point, but it would be nic eif it would at least be screw up in a consistent manner.

Blah. I'm hoping this blog has more cheerful posts soon. Between the cycle that never ends, work crap, home/husband/finance crap, and the weaning and hormonal changes, I'm seriously experiencing a major chase of the Blues. I need some good news and soon.

Nada

CD63.

THIRD round of semi-fertile CM.

Opt and hpt are still negative, but at least yesterday the line on the opt was at half the darkness of the control line. It's better than barely there, right?

I have an appt with my favorite nurse-practitioner on Monday morning. Other than the usual poking and prodding of the annual exam,  this will be my main concern/complaint. I'll see what she thinks and go from there. It will save me the $75 to see the RE for another consult/appt since women well visits are now covered by insurance (my plan didn't renew until July rather than January like most).

This blows.

Em has had several days where she's nursed just in the morning. No discomfort on my boobs' part going 24hrs or more without her nursing. Back into my pre-PG bras with some room to spare. She's also been going back and forth from side to side several times when nursing, so I know I'm making next to nothing these days.

Come on body! Get yourself together and work for a change...

Step 3: Dive In.

Kinda going gung-ho on TTC# 2 a bit. I figured if I ordered a ridiculous number of opts and hpts that Murphy's law would have it that I wouldn't need to use many of them. I thought 60 opts and 30 hpts (as a bundle option) was respectable for such an attempt.

Opts, hpts and sperm pills, Oh my!

And since there were soooo many of each, and it's been a while since I've POAS, I took one of each.

Eerrr Eerrrrtt!

Anyone else surprised by this? I wasn't, but man, did it feel satisfying to do that again. I won't lie an say I wasn't hoping a 2nd line would appear on that hpt (blue one).

At this point, I'd actually be happy with a darker 2nd line on the opts. I'm not sure if it's the nursing, which is just in the morning and before bedtime, or if my body is just more screwed up now than it was before Em, but things are not happening. I'm at cd44 today. I had a bout of semi-fertile CM from cd15-19 (pre-Em "normal") and then nothing. Then again at cd34-37, with 2 days of EWish CM, even. And still nothing. Not once has those opts come close to being positive. Sigh...

I'm not really sure what to do at this point. I'm feeling on the fence about weaning fully, but to be honest, since cutting down on the number or times and amount she nurses, I don't think I'm really producing all that much milk. Plus, she's *finally* sleeping through the night and even going to bed pretty easily 9 times out of 10 these days (only took 17m). The girls just aren't filling the nursing bras anymore, even when feeling full-ish. I'm kind of sad to be losing them. Going from a 34A to a 34 full C was awesome! I'm choosing to ignore the 3wks where they were like DD mountains on my chest when my milk came in because that was just awkward. Now, I'm not quite back to my 34A, but my well-worn bummy bras that are probably equivalent to a 32B are fitting pretty great these days. I was really hoping to keep some of the boob growth, but doesn't look like it's in the cards.

But back to my lack of cycle. I can not, for my sanity's sake, keep having month and a half long or longer cycles. I don't know how women deal with this regularly. I know my 28-29d cycles pre-baby were not even close to textbook, but I knew roughly what to expect and could plan for the next month/cycle. Now, I'm completely lost and don't have any clue about what to expect or as it's currently going, not to expect. Maybe I should put a call into the RE? Not sure what he'll be able to do about it, though until I'm not longer breastfeeding.

Has anyone else had longer cycles post baby? Did they regulate eventually?

But to keep this post from being all ho-hum and Debby-Downer, here is some adorable Em!

Step 2: Pull the Safety Cord

Or remove the IUD. This was a psychically easy step, but psychologically, yikes! My BP was 118/78 (usually like 100/65) and heart rate was over 80. When I saw the NP put it in the waste bag, it felt like jumping off a cliff. I literally held my breath laying on the table.

The NP is the one that I saw back when we 1st starting and I noticed my LP was way too short. I love her so much as a healthcare provider! She asked if the RE did any baseline checks and if I wanted to have her do them. She checked what protocol he recommended and brought up the letro.zole and BF issue. She mentioned about weaning and that she didn't until she was 2m pregnant with her 2nd as she was exhausted b/n being pg, working and nursing just took too much out of her. She made me feel more comfortable about my decision to make it a mutual decision. We agree to have my thyroid level checked. She agrees with the RE that she'd like to see it under 2.

I scheduled my annual appt for July. She is so positive and enthusiastic. "Hopefully, you'll be pregnant by then!" We'll see, but as I have no clue what my cycle is actually doing at this point. Whether it is due to BFing (most likely) or the IUD masking beginning/end of cycles, I'll be finding out soon enough.

It's crazy to think that it was almost 3yrs ago that we started TTC#1. All eager, excited, and gung-ho! Naive. If only we knew... Better yet, if only it could be that way again. Sure, it was kinda scary going into the "unknown" but it was an adventure! Now, not so much the adventure. It's like walking through the a field that you previous crashed down a pitfall. You are looking for the dangers all around you. It may have just been that one hole that you were unfortunate enough to find the hard way, or they could be everywhere. It's terrifying!

Step 1: Put Your Junk in the Sample Cup

Well, the 1st step has been taken. I had made an appt with our RE to go over plans for starting TTC for #2 (April 16th). Scheduled a SA for the hubs for the 25th. The RE was set and ok with repeating what we did last time. Fem.ara/Letro.zole for 5 days and progesterone after O. Except, Em still nurses so I can't do the Letro.zole. I'm not quite ready to wean her, and she isn't anywhere close to it either. I couldn't live with myself if I weaned her before either of us are at that point. The whole "Mommy Guilt" would just kill me. I just can't take from her in the attempt to make her a sibling. So progesterone only until that happens on its own.

Er, at least until that happens after we've actually started trying. There's still that whole IUD removal thing I have to schedule.

But the SA has been completed. But as it was scheduled for a Thursday, I was responsible for taking it in before work as it is just up the road from my building. And up the road from daycare... I was that woman. I brought a baby to a fertility clinic. I'm not proud of it. I tried to keep her from the main waiting room and quiet. I just wanted to drop off the specimen and duck out. Leaving her in the car was not an option, and we were cutting it too close to the appt time to drop her off at daycare 1st. Although, even if we weren't, I'm not entirely sure I would have dropped her off 1st and left the cup in the car. Just as I did the 2 times prior, I tucked that plastic container into a warm nook the whole drive and inside the clinic until they asked for it. It was chilly outside, and I do what ever is in my power to keep those little guys in as ideal condition as I can.

Thankfully, it mostly paid off. While not completely "within normal range", things are acceptable and promising. Just take a gander yourself.

Compared to the 1st go round, this is great news! Now, onto step 2- IUDon't and then the scariest step, step 3- Actually trying. Well, if my cycle actually returns to normal prior to weaning, that is.

Also, strange thing, we got his results on Em's implantation anniversary. It's not something we celebrate, but there are important IF dates that I'm aware of each year since they occurred. That happens to be one of them. It's easy to remember as it was 2 days before my positive test.