CD20

Well, looks like the Letro.zole is working. Not quite as well as it did pre-Em, but I'll take cd20 over cd90 any day!

A few things of note this cycle (and somewhat from last, too) (Lots of TMI to follow):

1- Leading up to O, I feel the need to pee more often. I normally nave no issue going most of the work day with out a trip to the loo, but around O late, it's every 2hrs, easy.

2- My cervix is not the same as it was before. Other than the opening being diff, the location and texture is way different. High is not as high as it was, nor is soft as soft. It also seems like rather than being at the end of the tunnel (so to say), it's a skylight towards the back. When it's low, it is almost touching the bottom side of things.

3- Holy EWCM!! I get it 3-4 days in a row and by the bucket loads. It practically vanishes as soon as I get that +opt though.

4- Speaking of pee sticks, I've been getting my +opt 1st thing in the morning. Before, it was later afternoon or evenings. And those sticks go from zero test line, to hint the day/evening before, to positive. No gradual darkening.

5- Em has learned that it is ok to pee on paper/sticks. And it's funny to try and stick stuff in the toilet while mommy pees.

6- I feel more uncomfortable and moody pre-O than I do pre-AF. I seriously sport a bump leading up to ovulation these days. The girly bits are rather swollen  and sore feeling too.

7- I'm just as worried about things not working out as I am about being successful.


I'll be picking up the lovely progesterone suppositories likely Tuesday afternoon/evening. Boy, and I looking forward to those. Here's to getting that June bug baby...

In the meantime, more gratuitous Em pics for your viewing pleasure. I can't believe this girl is 20m old, now! I don't think I can keep calling her a baby for long.

FINALLY!!

3 months.

90 days.

Finally, a positive opt! I guess 5th time's the charm?

Strangely enough, I've had a +opt for 2 days now alongside a huge temp drop yesterday. I've been feeling very uncomfortable and bloated-like. I'm hoping this is going to be a good strong ovulation that will reset my body back onto a more normal cycle. We've been trying each time I've had that oh so fun vaginal gold (EWCM).

Truncated so it would fit on the screen without having to scroll over so much...
Also, to reflect when I started temping consistently (-ish).

 While I'd be overjoyed if this ridiculous cycle paid off, I'd be completely happy if it just ended as well. In all honesty, I've already looked up the possible due date if we were successful (May 8th, 2014), and we could share the news with family and friends around Thanksgiving. Planning ahead just a bit, huh? I'm also entertaining fears of twins and triplets with how uncomfortable my ovaries have been the last several days. My anxiety has lead to some pretty crazy and out there imaginary worries and scenarios. Fun-times.

If what I expect to happen does, I plan to take the Letro.zole cd4-7 next cycle even though Em still nurses a tad in the mornings. I think if I take it after she nurses, there should be very little in my milk that she's drinking very little of as it has a short half-life and will only be for 5 days. Plus, it's a fairly low dose. I would love a June baby as no one on either side has a birthday in June (or August, but I really don't want to wait 2m to have a positive preg test). This thinking has really driven home how much it suck to be TTC after IF and loss. I don't get to truly be one of those women that can "plan" a pregnancy.

"Gee, August would be such a lovely month to have a baby! Guess I should go make one now. Yipee!" (Which is almost exactly what a friend of mine is worried about right now. Her and her husband agreed to wait until she defended her PhD in October to start trying and had an incident that lead to unprotected sex. Now, they are both a bit freaked that she's likely pregnant. Seriously?! Ugh.)

Anyways, my preference would be to get pregnant ASAP, but I'm not banking on it. At all. Hopefully, it doesn't take months and months and months as I've already gone through 2 of our planned months of TTC with jack-squat happening. I've turned my Rx from the RE for the Letro and progesterone "bullets" into the pharmacy. I 100% plan to start the progesterone after it's confirmed that I've ovulated. I also 100% plan to make and appt to get my levels check around 7dpo as my NP-ObGyn so kindly offered anytime I wanted. It's strange that it's cheaper to do it there than the RE's even though it's the same time and test, so I'm glad I have that option.

I'd like to end this rambling post with this: Trying to conceive is a mind-f*ck and I hope I keep my sanity by the end of it.

(One last edition: I'm addicted to POAS. Again. Good thing I have 50 more opts and 15 more hpts on their way to me in the next few days, right?)

O & IVF?

Those 2 things don't really seem to fit together. As a local radio personality would say, they go together like "hammers and panties." Just like there is no crying in baseball, there is no ovulation in in vitro fertilization. Strangely enough though, they've both been on my mind the last 2 days or so.

The O is probably pretty apparent. I'm on cd20 today and had the usual EWs for a few days and then some serious pinches and pokes from my left ovary area. (I also had some discomfort on the right side, which accorrding to the RE's nurses, can happen with a large cyst at ovulation time.) My temp went up this morning, be it from O or from my puppy patient deciding she was up at 5am. I went back to sleep for 2 more hours before temping, so I'm hoping it is from O and not lack of Zs . To be honest, ovulation has been on my mind since my baseline u/s showed the cyst and prevented me from taking my ov meds this cycle. Will I ovulate? When? Will it work even without the follicle stimulation?

We'll find out those answers and more in approximately 12-14d!

Now onto why I've had IVF on my mind. A few nights ago, I had a dream that, while I don't remember much of the details, was pretty much an egg retrieval, but wholly unconventional in the location and such. Just out of hte blue like that. We haven't been discussing or even considering IVF so not sure where that popped in to my head.

Fast forwarding to today, I go to Resolve's website and end up clicking on the Support Groups info and wind up seeing what's local. I email the group organizer listed. Gmail pings me back and error message that the email address doesn't exist. Guess I should update Resolve on that matter. I take it upon myself to see about finding when, etc the group meets as the location is posted alongside the now defunct email address. It's held at a Women's Health center of a nearby hospital (or so says Resolve.org). I go to the center's webpage and look up support group listings. Unless they've decided to hide Infertility in the Cancer, cardiovascular, or other major illness category, it's not listed there.

Cue me entering "Infertility support group" into the hospital's search box. the 1st link leads me back to the Women's center, but this time to the Repro Endocrinology and IF page. What is posted there but a blurb and an link to an IVF study they are conduction about the efficacy of fertilization pre- and post-freeze/thaw. A benefit to participation is a discounted IVF cycle. While not a free cycle, a discount is better than paying full price! So I email the coordinator to get more info. She responds back just hours later! She fills me in on the requirements and people to contact regarding pre-participation consulting appt and financial info.

While I don't know if we'll participate or not at this point, I still want to collect the information. It is absurd to me how interested I am in this! We haven't even been TTC a full year (yet), and I'm almost salivating at the chance for a shot at a cheap IVF cycle. What the dealio!? Plus, I just freakin' ovulated! I should be dwelling on my 2ww and not the possibility of IVF! I should really be paying attention to all the twinges and aches and smells/tastes and crossing my fingers that this cycle is it and maybe we were able to conceive without much help. Yet, here I am. Already considering myself out at 1dpo, looking into the possibility of IVF... How bizarre am I?

WTF?

So I think I may have ovulated? (And yes, I meant it as a question)

Each and every month that I've taken the Femara, I've ovulated on cd16. That's 5 consistent cycles of cd16 O. I would get a day or 2 of fertile CM around cd10, and then start the watery/EW around cd14, and it would continue until the day after O. I got O pains each and every time. My sex drive perks up, blah blah blah.

As expected, had some watery CM on cd11/12 at the end of last week. Then, my body throws me a curve ball and goes straight to EW. Still ok as it should continue on for the next several days and after O on cd16... Orrr just through the weekend, and my temp jumps up yesterday and today. Makes me super glad that I am a good and dutiful wife and gave the Hubs some lovin' even though I wasn't in BDing gear just yet! If we had waited for my usual O friskiness, we'd be sitting this 2ww out and waiting for April.

I have never (that I've had record of) ovulated before cd16. Not in the 9m of TTC, not in the 4m before that I was tracking my period and "ovulatory fluid". Never. Yet, here I sit, most likely 2dpo, but possibly 3, on CD16. Yup! I ovulated on the textbook cd14 it would seem. (I hope this results in a textbook pregnancy!) Now for the fun part- the 2ww and progesterone suppositories! High five? Anyone?

In other news, the PG-SIL emailed me back. Apparently, she's been having an hectic week due to some family issues and that delayed her response. She was sorry to know we had gone through "similar" experiences as they did and that I hadn't felt comfortable in using her as a support resource. Oh, and do I want her to RSVP for me for her shower, or do I want to contact the host personally?

O.O   Uh, I don't know, that was the whole point of the initial email. As for the support she could have offered- she most definitely could relate to the emotions of going through a miscarriage, that I don't doubt. I just don't think she would get that we needed help right out the gate, and pretty much were told we stood no chance outside of $$IVF$$, then to loose our miracle pregnancy just as quickly as it came. By the time we told anyone, we were both well on the road to healing. I'm not sure how much she could have helped at that point, to be honest. I'm not sure what knowledge she could have passed onto me about TTC or "infertility" at that point that I wasn't already aware of after these last 6m. We aren't exactly what I would consider "close", but the brothers are, so I'm more amicable to her than I am to the other SIL.

Now, I need to formulate my reply to her email without blowing my top and all. I can not tell her what I've written here without it screwing things up between us all again. I'll sleep on it and see what I come up with this time. Tomorrow looks to be a whirlwind of a day- (10hr work day, 4 interviewees to coordinate, SIL email, and that's only the things that are currently planned!

****************************************************

Update! I thought about my email quite a bit last night while I was laying in bed, unable to fall asleep. This is what I sent her this morning:

I'm sorry to hear that there are such stressful issues going on with your family. Hopefully, things get worked out soon for ya'll

As for the RSVP, I guess I can just tell [host] that I will most likely attend, but not 100% definite at the moment.

As for the miscarriage, [Hubs] and I felt that it was a personal thing that we should deal with together. We hadn't even told the parents until things ended and we had recovered. We have just recently reached the point that we are comfortable enough with it to discuss it with other people. I do appreciate your offer of support, though. I'm not sure how much info [Hubs] gave [BIL] about things, but reproductively, things ended up being difficult for us from the very start and only got harder the more testing we underwent. I can elaborate further if you'd really like to know the details.

All Systems Go.

I'm about to "launch" into my 1st ever IComLeavWe! I'm super stoked about it! I am also amazed at the number of blogs participating. 160! Absolutely unreal! The overachiever in my really entertained the notion of doing the Iron Commenter challenge, but I honest don't think I could leave 160 comments in 1 week, at least not substantial ones. I do think I will try to at least read a post from all of the participating blogs, though. This sorta feels like one of those scavenger hunt I use to do when I was in Girls Scouts years and years ago. The anticipation of the start; planning out the strategy. Thrilling! I can't wait to start it tomorrow!

Another exciting thing is that I finally! got my + opt this afternoon! I fully expect to actually ovulate tomorrow somewhere between mid-morning and early afternoon. Any cycle that I've used opt's, ovulation followed my positive by 12-18hrs. I've never gone 24hr or more between my LH surge and my lovely and oh-so-strong ovary pain that signal my egg making a break for it.

I may still be in the motivational mire, but at least I have some things to be excited about and to help pass the time until I make my way out the the muck. It is both comforting and unfortunate that so many of us/ya'll also feel stuck, but at least there is great company here!

It's that time again!

** Initially written 01/15/11**

Since July, there has always been one special time each month, where I get so excited and am beyond optimistic that this is it, this is the month. Ovulation. The big O. I'm not sure if it is the crazy surges of LH or estrogen or endorphins from the accompanying physical activities that occur at this time, but I'm just bursting with hope and possibility each time it comes around. The weeks loom before me. Which will it be? Will I see red or will I see that glint of pink on that white background? So much hope, so much anticipation over the slightest of lines on a strip of paper, a piece of paper that I pee on.

So here I am again. Ovulation. Except this time, I don't even know when it was exactly. There is a 3 day range where my fertility signs all point to fertile and possible O, but not my temps. You see, I've been horrible about temping this cycle. I've decided to stop temping after I'm confident that I've ovulated so I can start taking my progesterone supplements, as well as during my period b/c they are usually all over the place until I start to approach O. Well, on top of being a bit out of practice, I've been sleeping horribly. Tossing and turning all night. Alternating between hot and cold. This makes my temperature not remotely accurate. I've also been extremely fatigued and out of it when I wake up in the morning, sometimes to the point of sleeping through my alarm even. This makes my temps not reliable b/c of time discrepancies.

The one time I decide to be lax with temping and not to bother with any ovulation prediction tests is the one time in the past 8 cycles that it would really make any difference. Surprisingly, as frustrating as that all is, I'm not wholly concerned about it. Sure, I need to know that I have actually ovulated for the progesterone bit, but a day early or a day late won't have any grave impacts. We got busy when we felt like it rather than because I was fertile and we didn't want to "waste the opportunity." This is usually more frequent around my fertile time anyways, thanks to the libido boosting powers of estrogen. Regardless of when O was, our "bases" are covered, so now it is onto the "dreaded" 2 week wait (which is actually more like 10-12d for me thanks so much to the med regimen I'm on).

On top of the mystery of my egg's release date, weird things have been occurring physically as well. No ovulation pains to signal the ovum's escape from its follicle. No crazy acne outbreak (yet). Unusual cramping, bubbly sensations inside my right hip bone has been entertaining me as well as super *fun* tenderness in my twins. One day they felt like they were on fire. The next, you'd think I was locked in a meat locker and sporting 2 temperature buttons. And now, they are just a bit sensitive. Sensitive to hot, cold, pressure, and touch. It's not painful, just annoying.

If I had to sum up the last week with regards to my body in one single word, baffling is at the top of my list. Make that 2, no 3 words- baffling, optimistic, and hopeful. Hopeful that even though I have no clue what the heck my body is thinking right now, I'm optimistic enough to hold out on the possibility that in less that 2 wks, I too may be joining the ranks of women who have peed on a stick and seen that glorious faint hint of a 2nd line.