Hello, again.

It's been a while. Way too long. Like 6 months too long.

The up-to-date-ing will definitely be broken up as 6m is way too much to pack into a single post.

Life has really been a whirlwind since Lucy's birth (probably before it if I'm totally honest). Ups and downs, lots of highs and possibly more lows. Lots of beginnings and too many ends.

There are other reasons I haven't written other than time because in truth, I could make time to do a few sentences if I had really wanted to. There were times that I came close, but just couldn't. I'm pretty certain I had a decent spell of PP depression. Whether that was compounded or caused by a host of issues including finances, nursing issues, reflux and dairy intolerance (for which I went and still am dairy-free in my diet) from Lucy, I'm not sure. I am sure that there was lots of crying in this house, though I don't know which of us 2 cried more.

Things would get better, then something would happen, and BAM- down I went. Some times it was something big, but mostly not. I felt guilty a lot for not truly enjoying Lucy like I did Em in that newborn honeymoon phase. Once the reflux and screaming/crying kicked up at ~2.5w, I was doubting myself as a mother, our decision to have a 2nd, everything almost.

Things got a bit better around 4-5m PP. Then lil miss over-achiever decides to start army crawling. Yes, at 5m. I was already having huge issues coming to terms with being done. This kid seems to feel the need to shove it back in my face by being in such a hurry to grow up and not let me revel in this last age of babydom. That hasn't slowed down any, either. She was sitting unassisted at 6m. Full on hands and knees crawling before 7m. Teeth at 7m. Pulling up at 7.5m. Edging before 8m. And now, just shy of 9m, she's been trying to stand unassisted and walk. She just doesn't understand "SLOW DOWN!"

Em is growing way too fast as well. She already get sarcasm. Can dress herself from head to toe on her own. Use the bathroom all alone. Grasp hard concepts like relationships like grandma= daddy's mom and aunt is cousin's mom, and harder ones like illness and death. She's been Forward facing in dad's car for a while now and about to turn in mine. Helps with chores, some unassisted and other big kid things that make me want to cry and cradle her like a newborn again.

The IF jealousy, frustration, and spite/rage have returned as people I know get knocked up on accident from just 1 time and other fertile-myrtle crap. I've also had to revisit the loss emotions in comforting several friends as they endured heart-wrenching losses- a missed miscarriage that required 2 D&Cs and a miscarriage from a surprise pregnancy after testicular cancer surgery and chemo treatment. That was all topped off with a friend of a friend (who lives a few neighborhoods over from me) having her labor end in a stillbirth.

While there has been so much joy in my life these last 6m, there has been so incredibly much loss and heartache. The biggest of which was the news my FIL had lung cancer, followed by it metastasizing to his liver, chemo not fully working and it spreading to his brain and bones which radiation helped with slightly until it spread systemically. We got the call at the tail end of good friend's wedding that we needed to go visit ASAP if we wanted to say goodbye. He passed 2 days later on May 4th. I still hurt for the Boy, for Em, for Lucy who will never really remember him, for my MIL who lost her best friend of almost 43yrs and for his faithful choc lab that is still waiting by the windows and doors for him to come home over a month later. Telling and explaining it to Emma was quite possibly the hardest thing I've ever had to do. Seeing her cry at his viewing about killed me. I still can't talk or write about any of that without immediately welling up with tears if not full blown crying or sobbing.

As it is now 10:30pm, I'm crying and have a headache from the immensity of those last 4 paragraphs, have been sleeping for crap due to a teething almost-9 month old, and need to go nurse said child to sleep now, I'll wind this "quick update" post that turned word- and emotion-vomit up.

Hello, again, blogging world. I've missed so much! Enjoy this picture.

Another One Bites the Dust

Errrtt!

Next cycle.

I was feeling kinda hopeful this time too. After an almost normal (for me) O date, I had a lot more creamy CM than normal after ovulation. Then, on 4dpo, a tiny bit of pink was mixed in, at just one trip to the restroom, and only when I wiped. My heart skipped a beat thinking maybe implantation bleeding.

Nothing else on 5dpo. A tiny bit of red spotting before bed on 6dpo. Of course, at this point, I've been poas-ing at least once a day. I mean, the last 2 times I had a bfp a day or 2 after implantation, so the same should happen this time if that was what was going on. Plus, it was pink/red and not the usual brown spotting I would get pre-period.

It wasn't. Just another kooky loop my body decided to throw at me. At least this cycle was 27d rather than 90d. My LP did almost double from last time.

My take away from this cycle is that I seem to be heading towards better. Even though this was a medicated cycle, it was almost identical to my "normal."

And last but not least, I get another shot at a June baby. That's one plus side to this.

Another downside is how uncomfortable and achy I'm feeling. Plus, no alcohol in the house at the moment, and I'm too tired and worn down feeling to go out and get it. I barely was able to work up the energy and motivation to pick up my Letro.zole script refill to start tomorrow.

It should be "interesting" in  a few weeks time over here, seeing how this cycle will play out.

FINALLY!!

3 months.

90 days.

Finally, a positive opt! I guess 5th time's the charm?

Strangely enough, I've had a +opt for 2 days now alongside a huge temp drop yesterday. I've been feeling very uncomfortable and bloated-like. I'm hoping this is going to be a good strong ovulation that will reset my body back onto a more normal cycle. We've been trying each time I've had that oh so fun vaginal gold (EWCM).

Truncated so it would fit on the screen without having to scroll over so much...
Also, to reflect when I started temping consistently (-ish).

 While I'd be overjoyed if this ridiculous cycle paid off, I'd be completely happy if it just ended as well. In all honesty, I've already looked up the possible due date if we were successful (May 8th, 2014), and we could share the news with family and friends around Thanksgiving. Planning ahead just a bit, huh? I'm also entertaining fears of twins and triplets with how uncomfortable my ovaries have been the last several days. My anxiety has lead to some pretty crazy and out there imaginary worries and scenarios. Fun-times.

If what I expect to happen does, I plan to take the Letro.zole cd4-7 next cycle even though Em still nurses a tad in the mornings. I think if I take it after she nurses, there should be very little in my milk that she's drinking very little of as it has a short half-life and will only be for 5 days. Plus, it's a fairly low dose. I would love a June baby as no one on either side has a birthday in June (or August, but I really don't want to wait 2m to have a positive preg test). This thinking has really driven home how much it suck to be TTC after IF and loss. I don't get to truly be one of those women that can "plan" a pregnancy.

"Gee, August would be such a lovely month to have a baby! Guess I should go make one now. Yipee!" (Which is almost exactly what a friend of mine is worried about right now. Her and her husband agreed to wait until she defended her PhD in October to start trying and had an incident that lead to unprotected sex. Now, they are both a bit freaked that she's likely pregnant. Seriously?! Ugh.)

Anyways, my preference would be to get pregnant ASAP, but I'm not banking on it. At all. Hopefully, it doesn't take months and months and months as I've already gone through 2 of our planned months of TTC with jack-squat happening. I've turned my Rx from the RE for the Letro and progesterone "bullets" into the pharmacy. I 100% plan to start the progesterone after it's confirmed that I've ovulated. I also 100% plan to make and appt to get my levels check around 7dpo as my NP-ObGyn so kindly offered anytime I wanted. It's strange that it's cheaper to do it there than the RE's even though it's the same time and test, so I'm glad I have that option.

I'd like to end this rambling post with this: Trying to conceive is a mind-f*ck and I hope I keep my sanity by the end of it.

(One last edition: I'm addicted to POAS. Again. Good thing I have 50 more opts and 15 more hpts on their way to me in the next few days, right?)

Nada

CD63.

THIRD round of semi-fertile CM.

Opt and hpt are still negative, but at least yesterday the line on the opt was at half the darkness of the control line. It's better than barely there, right?

I have an appt with my favorite nurse-practitioner on Monday morning. Other than the usual poking and prodding of the annual exam,  this will be my main concern/complaint. I'll see what she thinks and go from there. It will save me the $75 to see the RE for another consult/appt since women well visits are now covered by insurance (my plan didn't renew until July rather than January like most).

This blows.

Em has had several days where she's nursed just in the morning. No discomfort on my boobs' part going 24hrs or more without her nursing. Back into my pre-PG bras with some room to spare. She's also been going back and forth from side to side several times when nursing, so I know I'm making next to nothing these days.

Come on body! Get yourself together and work for a change...