FINALLY!!

3 months.

90 days.

Finally, a positive opt! I guess 5th time's the charm?

Strangely enough, I've had a +opt for 2 days now alongside a huge temp drop yesterday. I've been feeling very uncomfortable and bloated-like. I'm hoping this is going to be a good strong ovulation that will reset my body back onto a more normal cycle. We've been trying each time I've had that oh so fun vaginal gold (EWCM).

Truncated so it would fit on the screen without having to scroll over so much...
Also, to reflect when I started temping consistently (-ish).

 While I'd be overjoyed if this ridiculous cycle paid off, I'd be completely happy if it just ended as well. In all honesty, I've already looked up the possible due date if we were successful (May 8th, 2014), and we could share the news with family and friends around Thanksgiving. Planning ahead just a bit, huh? I'm also entertaining fears of twins and triplets with how uncomfortable my ovaries have been the last several days. My anxiety has lead to some pretty crazy and out there imaginary worries and scenarios. Fun-times.

If what I expect to happen does, I plan to take the Letro.zole cd4-7 next cycle even though Em still nurses a tad in the mornings. I think if I take it after she nurses, there should be very little in my milk that she's drinking very little of as it has a short half-life and will only be for 5 days. Plus, it's a fairly low dose. I would love a June baby as no one on either side has a birthday in June (or August, but I really don't want to wait 2m to have a positive preg test). This thinking has really driven home how much it suck to be TTC after IF and loss. I don't get to truly be one of those women that can "plan" a pregnancy.

"Gee, August would be such a lovely month to have a baby! Guess I should go make one now. Yipee!" (Which is almost exactly what a friend of mine is worried about right now. Her and her husband agreed to wait until she defended her PhD in October to start trying and had an incident that lead to unprotected sex. Now, they are both a bit freaked that she's likely pregnant. Seriously?! Ugh.)

Anyways, my preference would be to get pregnant ASAP, but I'm not banking on it. At all. Hopefully, it doesn't take months and months and months as I've already gone through 2 of our planned months of TTC with jack-squat happening. I've turned my Rx from the RE for the Letro and progesterone "bullets" into the pharmacy. I 100% plan to start the progesterone after it's confirmed that I've ovulated. I also 100% plan to make and appt to get my levels check around 7dpo as my NP-ObGyn so kindly offered anytime I wanted. It's strange that it's cheaper to do it there than the RE's even though it's the same time and test, so I'm glad I have that option.

I'd like to end this rambling post with this: Trying to conceive is a mind-f*ck and I hope I keep my sanity by the end of it.

(One last edition: I'm addicted to POAS. Again. Good thing I have 50 more opts and 15 more hpts on their way to me in the next few days, right?)

Change of Pace

I know I said I'd write a post all about the visit with the head doctor from last week. I've tried several times to sit here and write it all up. Forgive me for not doing so just yet (if at all). I just keep end up focusing on one thing that came up from the session.

We don't want to find out the gender.

Well, mostly I don't, but I've convinced the Boy that he doesn't either. Between my eloquent and heart-felt explanations and a few favors on top, he has agreed to wait it out with me. For 5 more months!

Call me crazy. In fact, I probably am. At least, crazy for me (but most likely, crazy for other people, too). This is a complete 180 from the normal, usual Christina. If I'm known for one thing, it's for being a planner/organizer/Type A/OCD. I would plan out what to pack for an overnight stay at friends' or family's. Heck, I actually still do! If it is for several days, I'll probably even make a list and check it off as I put the items in the bag. I schedule my days at work by the hour, for the week. If it is something that can be planned and over-thought, I'm your girl.

And yet, this whole pregnancy, I haven't really planned, other than scheduling appts when the Boy has the day off and in the morning to impact my work day as little as possible. I've been moving along, letting things take me where they will. On a day to day basis, my anxiety levels are almost non-existent. I worry about things, sure. I'm just not doing it for as long or as often. Most of the time, if I'm fretting about something with the baby or my body, I practically dismiss it with a "What will be, will be. Nothing I can do to change that."

That is probably the overriding theme of this pregnancy. Nothing I can do to change anything. It's all beyond my control, so I might as well accept it and enjoy this whole trip. That definitely carries over into the "to know or not to know" decision on the baby's sex. There is nothing I can do to make it one or the other, nor do I have a preference either way. As long as it is healthy and happy and I can take it home, I'm a happy camper. What difference will knowing the sex have any of my decisions or actions the remainder of this pregnancy?

We are planning a gender neutral nursery (green, aqua and chocolate). I'm not huge on going all blue or all pink. I don't want to force my possible daughter to wear big flowery headbands and frilly, flowery dresses. Nor do I want my boy stuck in sport themes and construction vehicles. I feel (other than the frillies) that babies of either sex can wear little overalls with bugs or dinosaurs or hearts on them. Whatever. When they are older and decide they want to wear pink (both sexes), then so be it. As long as they are happy and comfortable with themselves and in what they are wearing, does it really matter? Besides, I know how to care for boys and girls in the early stages and on up thanks to my older sister and her kids, not to mention all the baby sitting I've done. No huge surprises there or tips/tricks I need to prepare for before birth.

As for the name game, I'd like to meet the baby before saddling them with a name for the rest of their life. If I wait to get to know my pets before naming, at least I could do the same for my child! We'll likely have had several names picked out even if we end up finding out if it is a he or she, just to have a few choices to find the one that fits best. Besides, gender isn't always 100% on u/s. There could be a surprise at delivery anyways, in spite of months of planning and name selecting. (The Hubs nixed the idea of selecting gender neutral names, though, which solves this problem altogether).

Most importantly, it's been an uphill battle to get to this point since day 1. maybe more like month 3, but still. We didn't get here easily. We didn't have that naive innocence that most couples get to experience when TTC but for 2 months, 1 of which we weren't technically "trying" as much as giving it a whirl. It was bad news after bad news for us from September to easily January if not into March with the crazy ovarian cyst. None of that was planned. We weren't able to decide on those things ahead of time, schedule them in to best fit in with our lives. Why start now? We've had few happy surprises this past year. This pregnancy happening, and then continuing to progress well, happily, and healthy has been one of the greatest surprises of our lives. We may not get to experience many more joyous surprises like this. Why not make the most of it? How sweet would the icing on the cake be in the delivery room to not only welcome our child into the world (hopefully) but to find out the sex as the nurse/Dr yell "It's a _____!!"

It is more important for me to end this whole family building (phase I) with a baby than with a boy or a girl. Not all the family/friends/coworkers think it is the best choice, but it's ours. And I'm kinda digging the more relaxed approach on things. I know it will all change with that 1st little cry, so I should enjoy it while I can!

How's this for new crazies?

There is apparently no making an infertile woman happy!

I went to use the restroom a bit ago after feeling a little gush and thinking I've wet myself or started bleeding, etc. I get in there an realize that no, it's just another gob of creamy CM. And that's when the craziest thought struck me...

I miss the changes in my CM throughout my cycle. I miss the "dry" season. More than anything, I miss seeing the EW. The rush and excitement that clear, snotty mucus brought with it! Man... I never in a million years thought I'd long for the days of "CM roulette"!

Another piece of IF crazy hanging around - I still check my CP periodically. I don't know why exactly, but it's like instinct sometimes!

I think I'm approaching certifiable here!