Keep on, Keeping on, I Guess...

I had a post I was in the midst of writing about Waiting. Waiting for labor and how it is so similar to the waiting pre-PG and early on. How is it completely different. I was about half way through it and lost direction. I just completely forgot where I was going with it.

So I just scratched it and figured I'd post something. This is probably the total opposite of Pulitzer material, but something is better than nothing right?

Here I sit at 39w. Decked out in all my pj and slippered glory. Braless. Sockless. My rings on a chain around my neck. The image of pure sexiness and seduction. My come-hither (with that bag of chips) stare and sultry waddle are just icing on the cake. Mmmm, cake...

Back on topic: The excitement of all that "progress" from last week has died off. Nothing new to report in a whole week. I have my check up at the Ob tomorrow, but I'm 99.9% sure they are going to say things are just in a holding pattern. My confidence isn't just from a hunch or feeling. Oh no. The whole TTC rollercoaster and my over-achieving tendencies have prepped me to be able to take matters into my own hands.

Literally.

I've managed to check my own cervix since about this time last week. I didn't want surprises going into that 38w appt. I needed to have a clue of what I could expect the Doc to say was going on, beforehand. It definitely was no simple, easy task compared to checking CP around ovulation. Let's just say things are much higher up, and it all feels the same in there. And then there is the belly thing to contend with... However, I some how managed to find it, feel it, and decide that it was slightly dilated. And then I jabbed the baby in the head on accident (not through the cervix though). Sorry!

So, by my self-test, I was right around 1cm dilated. So I was gung-ho excited when the Dr said I was 2cm the next day! Yay for rapid progress, right? Errrrtttt! Wrong! I've check myself again 2 times since last Thursday and nothing is different in there.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm still very much in love with being pregnant. I have not reached (nor do I think I will reach) the point of wanting to "get this thing out of me". It's just the excitement and anticipation I felt last week about the possibility of meeting and holding my baby very, very soon sort of snowballed. It gave me the kick in the pants to finish up a ton of things around the house and in preparation for the "impending" arrival. Nursery was tidied and practically finished. Meals were prepped and frozen, as well as massive stockpiling of groceries. I finally, FINALLY! finished packing a labor and hospital bag, installing the car seats, and other things I should have completed a month ago.

My accomplishment and excitement, much like my progress, has stalled the last few days. I managed to somehow motivate myself to return 2 items to Targe.t, get a hair cut/trim, and pick up a few other things at the W.Mart. The errands took me about 2hrs. The motivating? Try 6hrs. It's so discouraging to have gotten not only mine, but family and friends' hopes up only to keep trailing them along. I know they all mean well, but the check-ins are getting old and depressing. We all so very much want to meet the LO, but I feel like I'm some how letting people down by not having any change going on in there.

But what can I do? I don't want to take any risks of this baby coming out before it's ready, no matter how badly I want them in my arms. Until then, whenever that may be, I'll continue on with my glamorous, sensual, 9m pregnant self and try to clear out some of the lingering holiday goodies that are still floating around the kitchen. Gotta make room for the baby gear right?

(ps - if you are interested, I've posted completed nursery pics on the baby blurbs page. That bit hasn't seen any action in quite a while!)

Blogland Spectator

There is something I've been feeling super guilty about the last few months. People say I shouldn't, but I can't help it.

I've been a Blogland Spectator.

I read the posts that Blogger and Google send to my Reader everyday (or other day) or so, but sadly that is about it. I comment here and there. Post something sporadically. But mostly, I've been a ghost around the blogosphere.

I wish I could say there was a good reason. Honestly, though, there just isn't one that I feel is justified. Sure, we've been busy, but I've been busy before and was still able to keep pace. Part of it is still that lack of interest in the internet. Some of that is due to some lovely pregnancy-related vision issues and reading things for any considerable amount of time.

I fear that it might be coming off as "I'm pregnant and have far more important things to busy myself with than IF and blogs." That isn't at all the case.* I've actually felt more attached and involved with ya'll's cycle outcomes and news than before being pregnant. It's probably the hormones, but I find myself crying tears of joy at the good news and tears of sadness at  disappointment, loss, and heartache right alongside you.

Sometimes, I just can't think of a comment to write. "Sorry" and "Yay" seem like such lackluster statements to post on such monumental and personal entries. Plus, I feel they seem even more hollow coming from someone that is sailing along in pregnancy.

I am really sorry for my lack of presence these last few months in the IF blogosphere. I wish I could promise that it will change soon, but if I'm being honest with myself and you, I don't see it happening thanks to the impending holidays and hopefully, a take home baby. Just know that I am reading your words and that you have my support and shoulder as you continue in your struggles and in your successes. I am thinking of you all and wishing you nothing but the best and happiness!


*I have done next to ZERO to get ready for a baby or anything like that. Call me slack. The only pregnancy/baby related things I've accomplished is starting a registry at Targ'et (@ 25w - which is apparently unheard of and crazy late to most people) and confirmed a date with previously PG-SIL for the shower she's offered to host for me. That is absolutely it. My younger sis is still in the future nursery room site. No furniture has been purchased or assembled. Paint colors haven't been selected (other than just general shades). I've been delinquent on pretty much everything that isn't our back deck or work.

I've been a bad, bad blogger...

Good thing it's not against the law to not update your blog. Otherwise, I'd bee looking at some serious time in the hole.

I'm not sure exactly why, but I've just not been feeling the internet lately. I haven't had the obsessive urge to check my emails (yes, plural) or stalk FB or pin things like a fiend on Pinterest. I just haven't been that into the World Wide Web...

I can't say that I've been using all the time away from the computer on productive things, but some of it was. We've (I'm including myself even though I had limited involvement) demo'd our old cruddy, warped, and peeling back deck. I was on nail-flattening and water duty as I can't exactly swing the sledge hammer and such. The site has been prepped, rudimentary leveling and some basic measurements and placement of things. This weekend, after 2 marathon construction days, the upper level was erected and boarded, and the bottom level had the supports placed/sunk in and the framework done. There is just some bits of supporting left to do and then placing the boards.

I have to admit that I weaseled my way into doing some of the manual labor, despite some protests from a few of the helpers. I know my limitations, but I just can't stand by on the sidelines while everyone is sweating and grunting working on my project. I stuck with drilling mostly. I did some of the small board placements, plank cutting, and helped in some dirt leveling and stamping and block sinking.

Other than that though, I've just been sitting around, eating, sleeping, and just hanging out. Oh, and writing up a paper/manuscript for work. Blah. there just isn't a ton going on that is exciting, and I haven't had to motivation to write anything other than the paper (and most of the time, not even that...). I have been reading other blogs, but haven't really been commenting. For that I'm sorry! Like I said, I've been bad. Bad about blogging and bad about commenting. I hope everyone know that I'm secretly stalking your lives and cheering for you!

All Systems Go.

I'm about to "launch" into my 1st ever IComLeavWe! I'm super stoked about it! I am also amazed at the number of blogs participating. 160! Absolutely unreal! The overachiever in my really entertained the notion of doing the Iron Commenter challenge, but I honest don't think I could leave 160 comments in 1 week, at least not substantial ones. I do think I will try to at least read a post from all of the participating blogs, though. This sorta feels like one of those scavenger hunt I use to do when I was in Girls Scouts years and years ago. The anticipation of the start; planning out the strategy. Thrilling! I can't wait to start it tomorrow!

Another exciting thing is that I finally! got my + opt this afternoon! I fully expect to actually ovulate tomorrow somewhere between mid-morning and early afternoon. Any cycle that I've used opt's, ovulation followed my positive by 12-18hrs. I've never gone 24hr or more between my LH surge and my lovely and oh-so-strong ovary pain that signal my egg making a break for it.

I may still be in the motivational mire, but at least I have some things to be excited about and to help pass the time until I make my way out the the muck. It is both comforting and unfortunate that so many of us/ya'll also feel stuck, but at least there is great company here!

Stuck.

Thanks, Google Images

I feel stuck. In a funk. Unmotivated, unchanging, stuck.

I'm not sure if I should blame it on the cold weather that has lingered for far too many months (this is the South, come on!), the lack of sunlight and fun stuff to do outside, or the fact that I'm on cd-freakin-20 and not really sure if there is any sign of ovulation in my near future (I've had 10 days of absolutely, not even close to positive OPTs). Maybe it's all of the above.

I've been back to work for 2 full weeks now, and still not fully motivated to get there as early as I use to or stay as late, or cram as much productivity in the work day as my great multitasking skills will let me. I love my job. I think it is generally interesting and exciting and enjoy being there as much as someone can want to be at work. But lately, I can't get myself to get up with my alarm, stop checking my email/blogs/Facebook, or eat breakfast and pack my lunch in a timely fashion to be at work by the usual 9am. On top of that, by the time 4 o'clock rolls around, all I can think about is going home. That I blame on the Boy as he calls me when he's leaving work at 4.

I'm not depressed, per se. I know that state of mind far more intimately than I'd like. I've actually been the happiest I've been in ages since we started TTC (or WTC). I'm just feeling stagnant. I'm just treading water at work and waiting in ovulation limbo. There's no forward progress, no building momentum, no push to do things at the moment. It's all very bland and boring. I'm in desperate need of a visit from the Motivation Fairy. I think she's related the Tooth Fairy. I just need to figure out what to leave under my pillow for her...

I really want to start my 1st Quarter/Spring house cleaning and organizing. I want to get out in the yard and plant stuff, rips stuff up and make it green again. I'd love to start taking the pups on long, evening or morning walks around our neighborhood regularly. I'd like to be able to look back on each day and feel accomplished in what I've done. Unfortunately, that all takes energy and drive to actually get off my lazy butt and get started. I wish each I could currently enter each day with the outlook of "Anything is possible; it's a brand new day". If only each day didn't seem exactly like the one before it and the one before that. I've been mindlessly going through the motions. Lather. Rinse. Repeat Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday; add conditioner Saturday and Sunday.

Any suggestions or words of wisdom of how to get unstuck?

Update: Apparently, my body got tired of the smack I've been talking and finally decided it's going to do something. I struck "gold" this afternoon! Looks like ovulation my be in my plans for this next week.