So sorry for the radio silence!
Since my last post (my baby turned 1?!), it's just been crazy between work, home, being sick, and Em teething.
1st off was THE anniversary. The most awful anniversary ever. The whole week, I just felt this overwhelming dread and was intensely sensitive and emotional. I fluctuated between wanting to punch the Oops! Pregnant. co-worker in the face and bursting in to tears each time I saw her. I didn't realize until the 2nd why I felt that way. It occurred to me while I was telling Boy about wanting to switch up our Super Bowl plans as the last 2 years sucked (m/c and then last year find out SIL was pg). Ding! Light-bulb moment. Guess I'm still not over that...
Then Em got the crud going around daycare. Then I got the crud from her. I kicked the snot and congestion in a few days, but I still (2w later!) have the nagging cough and can't shake it. It sucks. I have had to cut almost completely out all forms of dairy and most wheat stuff due to phlegm and coughing until I about pass out. Not cool. I even pulled a muscle at the bottom of my rib cage from a coughing fit. Boy caught the crud too, but after a few days of a stuffy, runny nose, good as new. Ugh, men.
And for the last month, Em's been working on teeth. Well, more accurately, the teeth are moving up, but nothing has broke through the gums. They are just these hard lumps and some swollen bits in her mouth. I'm thinking she's getting them all in a row at the starting line, then will open the gates and Bam! Tooth-splosion. I'm looking at the other 2 bottom incisors, possibly canines, and the 1yr molars. It sucks. She's gone from sleeping almost 6-8hrs straight in her crib, to waking up after 5hrs and then waking every 1-2hrs after coming to bed with us. Of course, it's pretty much just sick, run-down me that is being kept up from 3/4am each morning.
Work has sucked as well. I have the Oopsie! co-worker that not only is shoving her huge belly in my face daily, she's also 1 step from being incompetent. She asks some of the dumbest questions and doesn't even take the time to try and figure or find things out for herself. "Sure, I'll stop this time critical protocol to help you figure out what to put on a label." Grrrr! I'm not sure if I've mentioned it here, but she is seriously naming her kid Jack Spar.row. Specifically, after the PotC character. Oh, and she plans to nickname him Captain.... Ugh. And it's been just really busy with deadlines and surprise samples and projects cropping up, not to mention the hand-holding I have to do in training a new grad student that is rotating through the lab. So I have to coordinate her work and teaching her, do my own lab work, ordering (that people forget to tell me we are running low on things until we are practically out), and taking care of dumb and trivial crap for other lab members.
I'm sick, tired, irritated, and run-down. I promise that I'll have a happier post soon. I have tons to fill ya'll in on regarding non-work life, Em's new skills and abilities, and the excitement and fear that is contemplating TTC#2.
Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts
Friday, February 22, 2013
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Infertility - The Gift that keeps on giving, and giving, and giving..
Here I am, practically 11m out from being "cured" of my IF with the glorious birth of my baby girl.
And yet, why does a pregnancy announcement still gut me?
Truth be told, it's not just a PG announcement, but a "surprise pregnancy/oopsie" announcement.
I found out on Friday from a friend/co-worker that the co-worker that irritates the daylights out of me on a regular basis had posted on FB that she was expecting a baby boy.
If we rewind to about 1.5-2m ago, I had suspicions that she was pregnant based off behavior and belly shape. I went to check out her FB page as we were friends on there. Or so I thought. De-friended. Oh well, and I shoved it to the back of my mind. Fast forward to a few weeks ago, and I was practically positive she was due to behavior, belly shape, and wardrobe choices. Hubs convinced me that I'm just trying to see babies where there aren't any as I'm "baby-crazy". Besides, Not but a few months before when she was complaining that her BF hadn't popped the question and they'd been together for X yrs, she explicitly stated that she wants kids with him, but much much farther down the line.
Guess that line was much shorter than she thought.
It was also relayed to me that she didn't know she was pregnant until she was about 3m along. How in the World?!?! I thought she was pregnant at that point; how come she was just finding out then? And shockingly, that timing coincided well with them getting engaged.
How on earth is it fair for her to get pregnant on super accident and then to skip out on teh the worry, anxiety and fear of the 1st trimester?
I tried to be the bigger person and sent her a message over the weekend to congratulate them with no response. Monday morning, I sent her a health and safety form that needed to be filled out updating her "status" that really should have been done around the 12-16w mark, not at 5m along. From that stand point though, she really should have told me sooner. If you've told other people in the lab (students, etc), then maybe it would be behoove you to also inform the lab/safety manager so that things can be put into process and your unborn fetus can be protected from potential hazards that you may not be aware of in a laboratory setting?
I tried to suck it all up yesterday and be nice, polite and attempt interactivity. This morning, I knew that was going to be a failure. I couldn't stand being around her and her blase attitude regarding something so many people would give anything to have. I was blinking back tears every time I saw her and her no longer concealed bulging belly.
Each time, it was as if all the fear and hurt and anger from loss and IF came slamming back to me. I kept feeling on the verge of breaking down. I had to do something about it, so I had a little "chat" with her supervisor/my co-worker. I had to fill her in that we went through a lot to have Emma and as such, being around her the last 2 days of it being "official", I just am not handling it well. When it was just my hunch and all, I could just play it off as "She's just fatter now" or that I was seeing things like the Boy said. But with it being really real, I just can't deal with her at the moment. I hated having to have that talk. I had hoped that I could be really professional about it and just bite it back, but alas, IF wins again. Thankfully, she understood and is going to help as best she can to minimize our interactions for a while.
It was still awkward, but at least I wasn't in tears the rest of the day. I hate this so much. I wish there was a cure for IF and the damage it does was easily repaired...
And yet, why does a pregnancy announcement still gut me?
Truth be told, it's not just a PG announcement, but a "surprise pregnancy/oopsie" announcement.
I found out on Friday from a friend/co-worker that the co-worker that irritates the daylights out of me on a regular basis had posted on FB that she was expecting a baby boy.
If we rewind to about 1.5-2m ago, I had suspicions that she was pregnant based off behavior and belly shape. I went to check out her FB page as we were friends on there. Or so I thought. De-friended. Oh well, and I shoved it to the back of my mind. Fast forward to a few weeks ago, and I was practically positive she was due to behavior, belly shape, and wardrobe choices. Hubs convinced me that I'm just trying to see babies where there aren't any as I'm "baby-crazy". Besides, Not but a few months before when she was complaining that her BF hadn't popped the question and they'd been together for X yrs, she explicitly stated that she wants kids with him, but much much farther down the line.
Guess that line was much shorter than she thought.
It was also relayed to me that she didn't know she was pregnant until she was about 3m along. How in the World?!?! I thought she was pregnant at that point; how come she was just finding out then? And shockingly, that timing coincided well with them getting engaged.
How on earth is it fair for her to get pregnant on super accident and then to skip out on teh the worry, anxiety and fear of the 1st trimester?
I tried to be the bigger person and sent her a message over the weekend to congratulate them with no response. Monday morning, I sent her a health and safety form that needed to be filled out updating her "status" that really should have been done around the 12-16w mark, not at 5m along. From that stand point though, she really should have told me sooner. If you've told other people in the lab (students, etc), then maybe it would be behoove you to also inform the lab/safety manager so that things can be put into process and your unborn fetus can be protected from potential hazards that you may not be aware of in a laboratory setting?
I tried to suck it all up yesterday and be nice, polite and attempt interactivity. This morning, I knew that was going to be a failure. I couldn't stand being around her and her blase attitude regarding something so many people would give anything to have. I was blinking back tears every time I saw her and her no longer concealed bulging belly.
Each time, it was as if all the fear and hurt and anger from loss and IF came slamming back to me. I kept feeling on the verge of breaking down. I had to do something about it, so I had a little "chat" with her supervisor/my co-worker. I had to fill her in that we went through a lot to have Emma and as such, being around her the last 2 days of it being "official", I just am not handling it well. When it was just my hunch and all, I could just play it off as "She's just fatter now" or that I was seeing things like the Boy said. But with it being really real, I just can't deal with her at the moment. I hated having to have that talk. I had hoped that I could be really professional about it and just bite it back, but alas, IF wins again. Thankfully, she understood and is going to help as best she can to minimize our interactions for a while.
It was still awkward, but at least I wasn't in tears the rest of the day. I hate this so much. I wish there was a cure for IF and the damage it does was easily repaired...
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Can I just run away and hide?
I am so overwhelmed by life these days. The only thing that makes any sense to me and I enjoy is spending time with Emma. Even when she's super cranky, over-tired, and doesn't want to be put down or changed.
I am sick of 1/2 the people at work and all the drama that goes with them.
I'm exhausted and sleep deprived.
My house is a complete disaster.
Our bank account is a hot mess.
I just can't seem to keep anything together these days. They only thing I feel like I'm doing right is Emma.
I can't keep track of my days or hours and before I know it, a week or month has gone by. And I've forgotten to do something or pay a bill. I will sometimes even wonder if delayed post-postpartum depression is possible and maybe I need a med re-evaluation. *Sigh*
My evenings and weekends are a reprieve from the rest of life. Even if I am practically chained to the couch with a baby hanging off my chest the whole night. But I'm there with her. Doing my best to play and talk with her, trying to make her feel better from her mean, mean un-budging teeth. Some times she cries unless I nurse her. Some times she just wants to play. And some times, she just wants to me hold her while she sleeps.
Weekday mornings suck. Weekdays in general suck. I pretty much live my days waiting for that afternoon "break" to see her, and then, pass the time at work until I can go home. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. Meh. I'm working for the weekends.
And I live for Sunday mornings. Just Emma and I in bed. We sleep in. We spend over half and hour just playing in bed. Laughing. Giggling. Rolling around. Cuddling. I wish that is how all day and everyday could be. It's one of the few time I feel truly happy and content these days. For that 30min or so, everything feels right. I feel like I have to be doing something correct to have a happy child that smiles for me and wants to be with me.
And in the end, I guess that's more important than what my co-workers think or what my credit score is...
So I think I'm just going to run away and hide in bed with my Emma-nem.
I am sick of 1/2 the people at work and all the drama that goes with them.
I'm exhausted and sleep deprived.
My house is a complete disaster.
Our bank account is a hot mess.
I just can't seem to keep anything together these days. They only thing I feel like I'm doing right is Emma.
I can't keep track of my days or hours and before I know it, a week or month has gone by. And I've forgotten to do something or pay a bill. I will sometimes even wonder if delayed post-postpartum depression is possible and maybe I need a med re-evaluation. *Sigh*
My evenings and weekends are a reprieve from the rest of life. Even if I am practically chained to the couch with a baby hanging off my chest the whole night. But I'm there with her. Doing my best to play and talk with her, trying to make her feel better from her mean, mean un-budging teeth. Some times she cries unless I nurse her. Some times she just wants to play. And some times, she just wants to me hold her while she sleeps.
Weekday mornings suck. Weekdays in general suck. I pretty much live my days waiting for that afternoon "break" to see her, and then, pass the time at work until I can go home. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. Meh. I'm working for the weekends.
And I live for Sunday mornings. Just Emma and I in bed. We sleep in. We spend over half and hour just playing in bed. Laughing. Giggling. Rolling around. Cuddling. I wish that is how all day and everyday could be. It's one of the few time I feel truly happy and content these days. For that 30min or so, everything feels right. I feel like I have to be doing something correct to have a happy child that smiles for me and wants to be with me.
And in the end, I guess that's more important than what my co-workers think or what my credit score is...
So I think I'm just going to run away and hide in bed with my Emma-nem.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Do Clocks have Wings?
Because time just keeps flying by me! I can't believe it's been so long since my last post! I don't have any real excuse other than life has just been super busy and I've been trying to spend as much time with Em in the evenings after work as I can!
Here's what we've been up to lately:
I turned 29 back at the end of May. Strangely, I'm actually looking forward to the big 3-0. We were visiting the Boy's folks for the weekend. They were blown away by how happy and active Em is! Unfortunately, I caught pink eye because of his grandmother. It was just and only me, thank goodness!
We went to re-PG SIL's parent's for Em's cousin's 1st bday "mermaid" party. Em was the only kid under 2 that didn't hate being in the pool. In fact, she loved it! It must have seemed just like a big tub for her.
Em turned 5m on Friday. She is quite the character and becoming more and more her own little person! She's getting too long in the torso for most of her 3-6m onesies. She's rolling around and spinning circles. She even pushes up on her arms and will push off of one of her legs, just not at the same time. Yet. She loves her feet and hands. My hands. Boy's hands. Oh and eating our faces! She's blowing spit bubbles and making "ba" sounds.
We are sorta starting Baby led solids. Em has really taken an interest in our food and insists on "eating" when we have food. She's tried bananas (love), apples, carrots, rice, grapes (skinless, love), teriyaki noodles, green beans, and mash potatoes + gravy (love). No teeth yet, but she can work those gums!
It's getting harder almost each morning to leave her at daycare and head to work. Sometimes, I even contemplate finding a different job that is strictly 40hrs or allows me to work from home some. Sigh... I love how my priorities have shifted
Here's what we've been up to lately:
I turned 29 back at the end of May. Strangely, I'm actually looking forward to the big 3-0. We were visiting the Boy's folks for the weekend. They were blown away by how happy and active Em is! Unfortunately, I caught pink eye because of his grandmother. It was just and only me, thank goodness!
We went to re-PG SIL's parent's for Em's cousin's 1st bday "mermaid" party. Em was the only kid under 2 that didn't hate being in the pool. In fact, she loved it! It must have seemed just like a big tub for her.
Em turned 5m on Friday. She is quite the character and becoming more and more her own little person! She's getting too long in the torso for most of her 3-6m onesies. She's rolling around and spinning circles. She even pushes up on her arms and will push off of one of her legs, just not at the same time. Yet. She loves her feet and hands. My hands. Boy's hands. Oh and eating our faces! She's blowing spit bubbles and making "ba" sounds.
 |
| Cheeky Monkey! |
It's getting harder almost each morning to leave her at daycare and head to work. Sometimes, I even contemplate finding a different job that is strictly 40hrs or allows me to work from home some. Sigh... I love how my priorities have shifted
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Medication-induced Mumblings
North Carolina in Springtime-
Very beautiful, but horrid if you suffer from seasonal allergies even in the slightest.
I'm up at 5am, unable to sleep or stay asleep due to a wonderful case of allergic sinusitis thanks to the pretty flowering trees and plants. My general practitioner has given me some steroids, nasal spray and recommendations of rest and fluids. Since the meds are BFing-friendly, no problem there and I'm trying to make sure I drink more so I don't have a drop in supply. The rest part is going to be the most difficult because what mom of a 3m old gets lots of rest? Plus, the meds wear off by bed time and leave me feeling like poo and unable to sleep. So what better time to write a update post!? (Hope it is coherent!)
1st off - Holy moly! I have a 3m old baby! How did that happen? Em is doing great and melts my heart frequently. Just over this past weekend she's erupted into babbling and is starting to have coordinated movement. She how reaches for things and actually can grab them and hold on! As tummy time was generally a bust for us, we've done lots of sitting up "practice." She likes to see everything and take it all in, all the time. It has apparently been paying off in spades as Em is now trying to pull herself into a sitting position frequently when propped lounging. My little genius is also trying to roll over from back to belly and almost has it. Just needs to figure out how to throw her shoulder into it. She's a whiz at going from belly to back though! The daycare ladies say they are really impressed with her development here as most babies aren't trying to do these things until closer to 5m! Go Em!
Work is getting a bit more normal feeling. I almost think I have a daily routine down. Almost, but not quite. I'm able to pump just enough each workday for the next day's daycare bottles, and use a few extra sessions on the weekend to give me a cushion of bottles in the fridge for when Hubs has her in the evenings until I get home. I'm still figuring out timing things for work and pumping to reliably get the max amount of milk, but without waiting too long and it being painful and mostly foremilk. Most days, I can find that balance, but not all the time.
Lastly, I'd like to discuss the debacle that was my IUD "placement" appt at the end of March. Seriously, it was ridiculous, ended up not getting done, and rescheduled for April 23rd. First off, the office calls the day before to check to see if I was scheduled for an IUD placement the next day and at what time. Hello! Thought they were suppose to know that and remind me! They also wanted to know if I would be able to come in earlier for that appt as apparently they double booked the time slot. Sorry, but I have to request the time off a bit more in advance than the afternoon before. So once I get there, they make me collect a urine sample, just to make sure I'm not PG. While I didn't mind complying, I'm pretty sure I know that it was pretty much an impossibility. Well, I mean it could have been immaculate conception, but I don't think I'm quite pious or righteous enough for that to happen. Plus, there's that whole "infertility" issue that would have hampered things if they had actually occurred. Not surprisingly, the test was negative.
Now for the fun part. I had to schedule the appt with the Dr who did my post-partum check, who was the Dr that "delivered" me. Not my fave Dr of the practice, but not my least fave. Until now. I've had an IUD placed before. Given that I was "null parous" (ie- no prior births), my favorite NP had me insert a cyto.tec pill to help soften up the ol' cervix and to schedule during my monthly visit. Since I don't think I've technically resumed that wonderful monthly occurrence and have actual given birth (to the most perfect baby, I might add), it should have been a walk in the park for us both. Right?
Wrong! The whole time, the speculum felt like it was on the verge of falling out, the assisting nurse didn't seem to have a clue what she was doing, and the Dr didn't have much more insight, or so it seemed to me. After the initial u/s to check my uterine size and position, the 1st bit wasn't much more than some discomfort. But then she had difficulty getting the catheter through my cervix and needed to use a dilator (which wasn't in that exam room so we had to wait for one to be brought over). Ouch. But still not too too bad. Then, the real fun came when she inserted the cath. Super cramping and OUCH! Just to see where she was in my uterus, the clueless nurse attempted to u/s as the Dr tried to get correct placement. Epic fail. She had actually already perforated my uterus with the cath. Placement was a no-go at this point. If she put the IUD in, it could have migrated out of the puncture. Second, my risk of infection just jumped up. Third, my body would now likely reject the IUD anyways. So out all the equipment came. OUCH. The Dr had apparently also clamped my cervix to "hold it in place" which actually caused some damage and bleeding. Several application of silver nitrate followed. Ouch. Ouch.
I was then re-scheduled for placement, this time with real-time u/s monitoring, in 1 month to allow my injuries to heal, given a Rx for antibiotics, and directions to take pain killers as needed and to expect spotting that might be ashy in color due to the silver nitrate. I had already per-emeptively taken some ibuprofen. The spotting ended up being quite heavy and more akin to bleeding with serious cramps. I have no clue why she had such a hard time with it. The NP that did my 1st IUD was in and out with only minor discomfort and had perfect placement. This time, the Dr blamed it on my "too small" uterus and cervix. I highly doubt that my uterus and cervix ended up shrinking to smaller than pre-Emma status after birth. I am shocked that they were so resilient and snapped back to practically pre-PG size, but highly dubious that they were "too small" for the procedure to go smoothly.
The whole ordeal has left a bitter-taste in my mouth, so to speak. I don't want any form BCP for contraception, but I also don't want to just go the barrier only method. I really like the ease and convenience of the IUD, plus I didn't have any crazy side effects and practically non-existent periods. Is it a sign that maybe I should look into alternative options of pregnancy prevention? I know the likelihood of us actually conceiving without some form of medical intervention is super slim, but right now, I'm not ready to take any chances. I loved being PG and truly miss it, but I'm not at all ready to jump back into that and have another little one, just yet.
With the rescheduled appt coming up, I'd like to get the blog world's input. Would you keep it with the same Dr? I'm not sure if it is an absolute requirement that it HAS to be with delivering Dr or if they just prefer it for consistency or if it is like commissions. Also, I mentioned about getting an Rx for the cyto.tec again, but she seemed to poo-poo that idea. Is it something I should press for in this case?
Very beautiful, but horrid if you suffer from seasonal allergies even in the slightest.
I'm up at 5am, unable to sleep or stay asleep due to a wonderful case of allergic sinusitis thanks to the pretty flowering trees and plants. My general practitioner has given me some steroids, nasal spray and recommendations of rest and fluids. Since the meds are BFing-friendly, no problem there and I'm trying to make sure I drink more so I don't have a drop in supply. The rest part is going to be the most difficult because what mom of a 3m old gets lots of rest? Plus, the meds wear off by bed time and leave me feeling like poo and unable to sleep. So what better time to write a update post!? (Hope it is coherent!)
1st off - Holy moly! I have a 3m old baby! How did that happen? Em is doing great and melts my heart frequently. Just over this past weekend she's erupted into babbling and is starting to have coordinated movement. She how reaches for things and actually can grab them and hold on! As tummy time was generally a bust for us, we've done lots of sitting up "practice." She likes to see everything and take it all in, all the time. It has apparently been paying off in spades as Em is now trying to pull herself into a sitting position frequently when propped lounging. My little genius is also trying to roll over from back to belly and almost has it. Just needs to figure out how to throw her shoulder into it. She's a whiz at going from belly to back though! The daycare ladies say they are really impressed with her development here as most babies aren't trying to do these things until closer to 5m! Go Em!
Work is getting a bit more normal feeling. I almost think I have a daily routine down. Almost, but not quite. I'm able to pump just enough each workday for the next day's daycare bottles, and use a few extra sessions on the weekend to give me a cushion of bottles in the fridge for when Hubs has her in the evenings until I get home. I'm still figuring out timing things for work and pumping to reliably get the max amount of milk, but without waiting too long and it being painful and mostly foremilk. Most days, I can find that balance, but not all the time.
Lastly, I'd like to discuss the debacle that was my IUD "placement" appt at the end of March. Seriously, it was ridiculous, ended up not getting done, and rescheduled for April 23rd. First off, the office calls the day before to check to see if I was scheduled for an IUD placement the next day and at what time. Hello! Thought they were suppose to know that and remind me! They also wanted to know if I would be able to come in earlier for that appt as apparently they double booked the time slot. Sorry, but I have to request the time off a bit more in advance than the afternoon before. So once I get there, they make me collect a urine sample, just to make sure I'm not PG. While I didn't mind complying, I'm pretty sure I know that it was pretty much an impossibility. Well, I mean it could have been immaculate conception, but I don't think I'm quite pious or righteous enough for that to happen. Plus, there's that whole "infertility" issue that would have hampered things if they had actually occurred. Not surprisingly, the test was negative.
Now for the fun part. I had to schedule the appt with the Dr who did my post-partum check, who was the Dr that "delivered" me. Not my fave Dr of the practice, but not my least fave. Until now. I've had an IUD placed before. Given that I was "null parous" (ie- no prior births), my favorite NP had me insert a cyto.tec pill to help soften up the ol' cervix and to schedule during my monthly visit. Since I don't think I've technically resumed that wonderful monthly occurrence and have actual given birth (to the most perfect baby, I might add), it should have been a walk in the park for us both. Right?
Wrong! The whole time, the speculum felt like it was on the verge of falling out, the assisting nurse didn't seem to have a clue what she was doing, and the Dr didn't have much more insight, or so it seemed to me. After the initial u/s to check my uterine size and position, the 1st bit wasn't much more than some discomfort. But then she had difficulty getting the catheter through my cervix and needed to use a dilator (which wasn't in that exam room so we had to wait for one to be brought over). Ouch. But still not too too bad. Then, the real fun came when she inserted the cath. Super cramping and OUCH! Just to see where she was in my uterus, the clueless nurse attempted to u/s as the Dr tried to get correct placement. Epic fail. She had actually already perforated my uterus with the cath. Placement was a no-go at this point. If she put the IUD in, it could have migrated out of the puncture. Second, my risk of infection just jumped up. Third, my body would now likely reject the IUD anyways. So out all the equipment came. OUCH. The Dr had apparently also clamped my cervix to "hold it in place" which actually caused some damage and bleeding. Several application of silver nitrate followed. Ouch. Ouch.
I was then re-scheduled for placement, this time with real-time u/s monitoring, in 1 month to allow my injuries to heal, given a Rx for antibiotics, and directions to take pain killers as needed and to expect spotting that might be ashy in color due to the silver nitrate. I had already per-emeptively taken some ibuprofen. The spotting ended up being quite heavy and more akin to bleeding with serious cramps. I have no clue why she had such a hard time with it. The NP that did my 1st IUD was in and out with only minor discomfort and had perfect placement. This time, the Dr blamed it on my "too small" uterus and cervix. I highly doubt that my uterus and cervix ended up shrinking to smaller than pre-Emma status after birth. I am shocked that they were so resilient and snapped back to practically pre-PG size, but highly dubious that they were "too small" for the procedure to go smoothly.
The whole ordeal has left a bitter-taste in my mouth, so to speak. I don't want any form BCP for contraception, but I also don't want to just go the barrier only method. I really like the ease and convenience of the IUD, plus I didn't have any crazy side effects and practically non-existent periods. Is it a sign that maybe I should look into alternative options of pregnancy prevention? I know the likelihood of us actually conceiving without some form of medical intervention is super slim, but right now, I'm not ready to take any chances. I loved being PG and truly miss it, but I'm not at all ready to jump back into that and have another little one, just yet.
With the rescheduled appt coming up, I'd like to get the blog world's input. Would you keep it with the same Dr? I'm not sure if it is an absolute requirement that it HAS to be with delivering Dr or if they just prefer it for consistency or if it is like commissions. Also, I mentioned about getting an Rx for the cyto.tec again, but she seemed to poo-poo that idea. Is it something I should press for in this case?
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Drained (and not from pumping)
The last few weeks have been crazy.
Work.
Home.
Emma.
And I think I've got it pretty easy since she's such an easy and good baby. I get almost 6hrs of sleep a night. Sure, it's actually broken into 2-3hr chunks, but we are up, eat, and go right back to sleep. I don't think it is a lack of sleep that makes it all feel so hectic, though.
I'm THE primary care-giver to all living things in our house. I oversee the pets are fed, watered, pottied; Hubs may do the grunt work for some of it, but generally at my "request". I pay the bills, do the shopping, etc. Add onto all that working no less than 40hrs/wk, feeding a darling daughter, keeping on top of her clothes and diaper laundry as well as our own, trying to make sure there will be something for dinner, and trying to keep up our stock of expressed milk.
My typical day goes as follows:
- Wake up for the day when the Boy leaves for work at 6:30a and feed the babe
- Get dressed while she's still milk drunk and sleepy
- Put her bottles for daycare in a cooler (her diapers and wetbag were re-stocked in her daycare bag the night before)
- Eat something, make a lunch and pack snacks, pump and accessories
- Feed, water, and corral the pets for the day while we are gone
- Feed and change Em one last time and load her daycare bag, my pump bag, purse and carseat all into the car.
- Drop baby off and head to work.
- Work 8-10hrs, work in 2 pump breaks/snack/lunch into my unpredictable schedule.
- Head home and feed the pipsqueak upon my arrival.
- Possibly make, but at least eat dinner
- The next 2 hours are spent doing bills, email, prepping bottles and diapers for the next day, pumping again, cleaning bottles and pump parts, (a bit of computer free time), dessert/snack
- Get ready for bed, last evening feed, and turn in until our 2a-ish meal, followed by the 5a meal
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
I don't know how women with multiple little ones are even remotely able to function. I don't have a clue as to how women that have twins, triplets, etc survive it.
I love the time I get to spend with Em, but the evenings after work seem too short and her too sleepy. Mornings are just too hectic for real quality time, which is probably why we stay in bed until the last minute! Returning to work definitely has made me more appreciative of the time we do have together. Those 8 weeks home had me yearning for a "break" and me time. Now, I seem to be watching the clock at work, counting down the minutes until I'm able to leave and snuggle my munchkin!
Work.
Home.
Emma.
And I think I've got it pretty easy since she's such an easy and good baby. I get almost 6hrs of sleep a night. Sure, it's actually broken into 2-3hr chunks, but we are up, eat, and go right back to sleep. I don't think it is a lack of sleep that makes it all feel so hectic, though.
I'm THE primary care-giver to all living things in our house. I oversee the pets are fed, watered, pottied; Hubs may do the grunt work for some of it, but generally at my "request". I pay the bills, do the shopping, etc. Add onto all that working no less than 40hrs/wk, feeding a darling daughter, keeping on top of her clothes and diaper laundry as well as our own, trying to make sure there will be something for dinner, and trying to keep up our stock of expressed milk.
My typical day goes as follows:
- Wake up for the day when the Boy leaves for work at 6:30a and feed the babe
- Get dressed while she's still milk drunk and sleepy
- Put her bottles for daycare in a cooler (her diapers and wetbag were re-stocked in her daycare bag the night before)
- Eat something, make a lunch and pack snacks, pump and accessories
- Feed, water, and corral the pets for the day while we are gone
- Feed and change Em one last time and load her daycare bag, my pump bag, purse and carseat all into the car.
- Drop baby off and head to work.
- Work 8-10hrs, work in 2 pump breaks/snack/lunch into my unpredictable schedule.
- Head home and feed the pipsqueak upon my arrival.
- Possibly make, but at least eat dinner
- The next 2 hours are spent doing bills, email, prepping bottles and diapers for the next day, pumping again, cleaning bottles and pump parts, (a bit of computer free time), dessert/snack
- Get ready for bed, last evening feed, and turn in until our 2a-ish meal, followed by the 5a meal
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
I don't know how women with multiple little ones are even remotely able to function. I don't have a clue as to how women that have twins, triplets, etc survive it.
I love the time I get to spend with Em, but the evenings after work seem too short and her too sleepy. Mornings are just too hectic for real quality time, which is probably why we stay in bed until the last minute! Returning to work definitely has made me more appreciative of the time we do have together. Those 8 weeks home had me yearning for a "break" and me time. Now, I seem to be watching the clock at work, counting down the minutes until I'm able to leave and snuggle my munchkin!
Friday, March 9, 2012
2m & the Working Dead
Emma is 2m old, as of yesterday. Also, I've returned to work this week, hence the parody title (The Walk.ing Dead is an awesome show!).
These last 8 weeks I've been able to stay at home with my baby girl have been pretty good. There were a few rough patches and a couple of times things were on the verge of chaos, complete breakdown, or both, but overall, it's been great. I did manage to solidly confirm that, much like assumed, I am not SAHM material. I hated the lack of time distinction. Not knowing the date, day of the week, or really even the time of day unless I was staring directly at a calendar or clock. Heck, I only knew night vs day because a) it was dark outside and b) the Hubs would suggest going to bed. And as much as I love my daughter, I just can't deal with anyone for 24hrs straight, every single day of the week. We'd gotten into a loose routine though and kinda knew what to expect from each other and when.
Of course, this only happens shortly before things are all changed around with returning to work and daycare. Yes, thankfully, the center we wanted and applied to came through for us at the 11th hour. Last Wednesday evening, I received the call that a space had opened if we were still interested. We were, and she was set to start Monday. Bonus, we qualified for a tuition reduction AND a 10% discount because I work for the university. This ends up saving us $250+ a month in child care!
Work has been alright this past week. I'm a good bit rusty on science-y things and protocols, not to mention missing my afternoon nap.and staying in bed until 9 or 10am. Thankfully, my boss has let me come back at part-time this week, and even next if I'd like. He's been super awesome about everything these last 10m or so. Working 4-5hrs a day is so exhausting right now! I've never been so thankful for the "gift" of 4hrs on continuous as I am these days! It felt like a miracle when Em slept 5hrs Wednesday night. I'm not sure how productive I've really been this past week. People like to talk to ya when you've been out for 2m, even more-so when you've had a baby, and especially so when 90% of the people around you are women! I'm constantly being asked about her, my labor and for pictures. Between all the small chat, brain fog, and pumping every 3hrs, not a ton of real work-work got done each day.
Em's 1st week of daycare has been much smoother than my transition back to the living and working. The daycare ladies in her Infants' room are lovely, don't mind cloth diapering, and let us use our glass bottles (with protective rubber wraps). I didn't cry once dropping her off in the morning, but am always overjoyed to pick her up! Today, she was even awake when I arrived, and got excited by the sound of my voice when I entered the room! I'm not sure if I should feel guilty over my lack of guilt in "leaving her with strangers", but I'm ok with someone else taking care of her as she's in good (and way more experienced!) hands during the day. I'm only really sad to think they might get to experience more of her "1st's" than me. My heart would have broke if someone else had got her 1st smile, coo, or laugh!
But at 2m, my baby girl is up to 9lbs, 5oz and almost 23in long. She's on the small side of the growth charts for weight and head circumference, but on the opposite end for height. Between her long and lean physique and the fact that everyone is saying that she is completely gorgeous and has such great features (and them swearing they aren't just saying that to be nice), maybe we have a potential model on our hands?
Em-n-m: I love that you are growing and learning so much these days, but really not wanting you to grow up. Can't you grow and develop, but stay this small forever?
These last 8 weeks I've been able to stay at home with my baby girl have been pretty good. There were a few rough patches and a couple of times things were on the verge of chaos, complete breakdown, or both, but overall, it's been great. I did manage to solidly confirm that, much like assumed, I am not SAHM material. I hated the lack of time distinction. Not knowing the date, day of the week, or really even the time of day unless I was staring directly at a calendar or clock. Heck, I only knew night vs day because a) it was dark outside and b) the Hubs would suggest going to bed. And as much as I love my daughter, I just can't deal with anyone for 24hrs straight, every single day of the week. We'd gotten into a loose routine though and kinda knew what to expect from each other and when.
Of course, this only happens shortly before things are all changed around with returning to work and daycare. Yes, thankfully, the center we wanted and applied to came through for us at the 11th hour. Last Wednesday evening, I received the call that a space had opened if we were still interested. We were, and she was set to start Monday. Bonus, we qualified for a tuition reduction AND a 10% discount because I work for the university. This ends up saving us $250+ a month in child care!
Work has been alright this past week. I'm a good bit rusty on science-y things and protocols, not to mention missing my afternoon nap.and staying in bed until 9 or 10am. Thankfully, my boss has let me come back at part-time this week, and even next if I'd like. He's been super awesome about everything these last 10m or so. Working 4-5hrs a day is so exhausting right now! I've never been so thankful for the "gift" of 4hrs on continuous as I am these days! It felt like a miracle when Em slept 5hrs Wednesday night. I'm not sure how productive I've really been this past week. People like to talk to ya when you've been out for 2m, even more-so when you've had a baby, and especially so when 90% of the people around you are women! I'm constantly being asked about her, my labor and for pictures. Between all the small chat, brain fog, and pumping every 3hrs, not a ton of real work-work got done each day.
Em's 1st week of daycare has been much smoother than my transition back to the living and working. The daycare ladies in her Infants' room are lovely, don't mind cloth diapering, and let us use our glass bottles (with protective rubber wraps). I didn't cry once dropping her off in the morning, but am always overjoyed to pick her up! Today, she was even awake when I arrived, and got excited by the sound of my voice when I entered the room! I'm not sure if I should feel guilty over my lack of guilt in "leaving her with strangers", but I'm ok with someone else taking care of her as she's in good (and way more experienced!) hands during the day. I'm only really sad to think they might get to experience more of her "1st's" than me. My heart would have broke if someone else had got her 1st smile, coo, or laugh!
But at 2m, my baby girl is up to 9lbs, 5oz and almost 23in long. She's on the small side of the growth charts for weight and head circumference, but on the opposite end for height. Between her long and lean physique and the fact that everyone is saying that she is completely gorgeous and has such great features (and them swearing they aren't just saying that to be nice), maybe we have a potential model on our hands?
Em-n-m: I love that you are growing and learning so much these days, but really not wanting you to grow up. Can't you grow and develop, but stay this small forever?
Sunday, October 2, 2011
I'm No Superman
No woman is an island (even if are feeling like you are large enough to be one).
It has taken me 28yrs and 6m being pregnant to realize that, sometimes, even I can't do it all. I still try. Oh boy, do I still try!
Asking for help has never been easy for me. It always feels like I'm admitting defeat. That I'm incapable of doing something. I know a large part of this is due to frequently being underestimated in my abilities by others. How on earth could a small, little female like me be able to do (fill in the blank) ? So I overcompensated. to show them that not only CAN I do it, I can do it better than they can. This worked well for me for a good number of years. Plus, this kept others from not meeting my exacting standards for things. If there was one thing I could say I honestly hate, it is having to go behind other people to do thing correctly or to fix their half-effort attempt.
It has taken me years to relinquish control of several household chores to the Hubs. Call me crazy, but I use to prefer to do all the laundry, dishes, 90% of the household cleaning, all because our definitions of clean were... different, to say the least. Slowly, I let him help where and when he offered. Mostly because I ended up not having time between going to school full-time and working about 30hrs to do much of anything at some points. A semi-clean house was miles better than a not clean house, right? Eventually, I put him in charge of a few chores and he was openly welcomed to help with anything else he wanted to do around the house. There was no way I could keep up with keeping things clean between the 2 of us, the 2 cats, and the 2 (adorable) fur explosions we call dogs while working ~50hr a week.
Queue pregnancy.
The 1st trimester, I was so worn out to be much good at anything. That and the constant nausea prevented me from doing any chores that had even a slight odor. The Boy was stellar here. Sure, our house wasn't spick and span, but it was passable and liveable. Once the nausea and utter fatigue passed/lessened, I was back to doing more. (I'll admit here that I didn't pick up all the things I was doing before. Hey, it was pretty nice not having to do all the cleaning and sitting around instead).
The 2nd trimester, I've been more involved. Not just with household cleaning. I've been back to helping with all the projects around the house, doing more at work. It feels great to have energy to do things, even if I tend to overdo them just a touch. I no longer feel delegated to the sidelines.
Except, that's where people keep putting me or at least trying. Now that I'm "noticeably" pregnant, sure people are nicer to me and are offering their help left and right, but they are also pretty quick to try and prevent me from doing things. Oh no you don't! I may be pregnant, but that doesn't mean I'm disabled. I can still do lots of things, even some manual labor. For the most part, I just have to modify how I do thing. However, there are things that I admit I can no longer do at all (Goodbye, heavy lifting and repetitive bending over). But all their objections and coddling has kicked my "I'll show them" overcompensation into overdrive.
Exhibit A: The last month of my life - At work, things have picked up for me. I have had the usual lab work, no problem, additional (and time demanding) tissue culture for a collaborative project, and that manuscript/paper I've been making figures for and writing. At home, I've been involved as much as I could in the demo of our old deck, the construction of the new, larger one, and all that goes with it. The build ended up being more involved and took longer than we initially thought. Now that the platforms are fully constructed, we've been trying to work on the staining and railing construction, when the weather decides that it isn't going to try to wash us all away. I haven't had a weekend off this whole month. The one weekend where I wasn't doing work or home stuff, we hit the beach for a impromtu family reunion of sorts as Hubs' brother and family flew in for a week from California. We hadn't seen them all in about 2yrs, and hadn't meet the youngest niece at all! While it was tons of fun, I wouldn't call staying in a house with 8 other adults and 5 kids (4 were under 4yrs) super relaxing.
Oh, and I've forgotten to mention that my younger sister is still staying with us, and now my dad has started his new job in the area, (but due to his several days on and off schedule that makes it difficult to rent a place cost-effectively and older vehicle) stays the night at our place as well on work nights.
In the last 2 weeks, I've made next to no progress on that paper writing. I had to keep pushing back when I said I'd hand it over to the boss. It was defeating me. I didn't want to give into it, so I kept struggling. Add in crazy hormones to that frustration and you get an awesome meltdown. I realized, between my snotting and sobbing over failing at everything, that I just have taken too much onto my plate. I just can't do it all. At least, not right now. If I wasn't in my current "condition", I could probably make some serious progress staying up later and pushing myself a bit more. Right now though, that isn't a viable option. I sleep poorly as it is, so all the rest I can get is desperately needed. It just isn't healthy or a good idea to strain myself that much at the moment. I wouldn't be the only one suffering.
What's a Type A, over-achiever to do? I squeezed into my big girl panties and sucked it up. I met with the boss man and let him know that I'm not getting anywhere on the paper due to not having time outside work hours and no time during them without letting other work suffer. It was a bit of a relief, but I still almost cried. He was super understanding and asked if I wanted his help with the paper. He didn't want to take it away from me as he felt I should have ownership of all aspects of that project. But if I wanted, he would be willing to finish it for me. Part of me still felt like a failure, throwing in the towel. He understood that too. He's a classic over-achiever as well. He did admire my choice of self and family over work a bit. Apparently, if he could go back, he would like to change how often he worked instead of spending more time with his family.
I know this is just the start of me needing to let things go and start asking for help more regularly. It's creeping into all sorts of corners of my life. More and more, I've had to ask the Boy for help getting up from certain positions and to carry things that I previously could. I know I'm going to need a lot more help with little things and big things as time ticks by and I get bigger. Oh and definitely if/when the baby comes.
It's dawning on me that just because I can't do every little thing myself, it doesn't mean I'm incapable or worthless. Just human. And pregnant.
It has taken me 28yrs and 6m being pregnant to realize that, sometimes, even I can't do it all. I still try. Oh boy, do I still try!
Asking for help has never been easy for me. It always feels like I'm admitting defeat. That I'm incapable of doing something. I know a large part of this is due to frequently being underestimated in my abilities by others. How on earth could a small, little female like me be able to do (fill in the blank) ? So I overcompensated. to show them that not only CAN I do it, I can do it better than they can. This worked well for me for a good number of years. Plus, this kept others from not meeting my exacting standards for things. If there was one thing I could say I honestly hate, it is having to go behind other people to do thing correctly or to fix their half-effort attempt.
It has taken me years to relinquish control of several household chores to the Hubs. Call me crazy, but I use to prefer to do all the laundry, dishes, 90% of the household cleaning, all because our definitions of clean were... different, to say the least. Slowly, I let him help where and when he offered. Mostly because I ended up not having time between going to school full-time and working about 30hrs to do much of anything at some points. A semi-clean house was miles better than a not clean house, right? Eventually, I put him in charge of a few chores and he was openly welcomed to help with anything else he wanted to do around the house. There was no way I could keep up with keeping things clean between the 2 of us, the 2 cats, and the 2 (adorable) fur explosions we call dogs while working ~50hr a week.
Queue pregnancy.
The 1st trimester, I was so worn out to be much good at anything. That and the constant nausea prevented me from doing any chores that had even a slight odor. The Boy was stellar here. Sure, our house wasn't spick and span, but it was passable and liveable. Once the nausea and utter fatigue passed/lessened, I was back to doing more. (I'll admit here that I didn't pick up all the things I was doing before. Hey, it was pretty nice not having to do all the cleaning and sitting around instead).
The 2nd trimester, I've been more involved. Not just with household cleaning. I've been back to helping with all the projects around the house, doing more at work. It feels great to have energy to do things, even if I tend to overdo them just a touch. I no longer feel delegated to the sidelines.
Except, that's where people keep putting me or at least trying. Now that I'm "noticeably" pregnant, sure people are nicer to me and are offering their help left and right, but they are also pretty quick to try and prevent me from doing things. Oh no you don't! I may be pregnant, but that doesn't mean I'm disabled. I can still do lots of things, even some manual labor. For the most part, I just have to modify how I do thing. However, there are things that I admit I can no longer do at all (Goodbye, heavy lifting and repetitive bending over). But all their objections and coddling has kicked my "I'll show them" overcompensation into overdrive.
Exhibit A: The last month of my life - At work, things have picked up for me. I have had the usual lab work, no problem, additional (and time demanding) tissue culture for a collaborative project, and that manuscript/paper I've been making figures for and writing. At home, I've been involved as much as I could in the demo of our old deck, the construction of the new, larger one, and all that goes with it. The build ended up being more involved and took longer than we initially thought. Now that the platforms are fully constructed, we've been trying to work on the staining and railing construction, when the weather decides that it isn't going to try to wash us all away. I haven't had a weekend off this whole month. The one weekend where I wasn't doing work or home stuff, we hit the beach for a impromtu family reunion of sorts as Hubs' brother and family flew in for a week from California. We hadn't seen them all in about 2yrs, and hadn't meet the youngest niece at all! While it was tons of fun, I wouldn't call staying in a house with 8 other adults and 5 kids (4 were under 4yrs) super relaxing.
Oh, and I've forgotten to mention that my younger sister is still staying with us, and now my dad has started his new job in the area, (but due to his several days on and off schedule that makes it difficult to rent a place cost-effectively and older vehicle) stays the night at our place as well on work nights.
In the last 2 weeks, I've made next to no progress on that paper writing. I had to keep pushing back when I said I'd hand it over to the boss. It was defeating me. I didn't want to give into it, so I kept struggling. Add in crazy hormones to that frustration and you get an awesome meltdown. I realized, between my snotting and sobbing over failing at everything, that I just have taken too much onto my plate. I just can't do it all. At least, not right now. If I wasn't in my current "condition", I could probably make some serious progress staying up later and pushing myself a bit more. Right now though, that isn't a viable option. I sleep poorly as it is, so all the rest I can get is desperately needed. It just isn't healthy or a good idea to strain myself that much at the moment. I wouldn't be the only one suffering.
What's a Type A, over-achiever to do? I squeezed into my big girl panties and sucked it up. I met with the boss man and let him know that I'm not getting anywhere on the paper due to not having time outside work hours and no time during them without letting other work suffer. It was a bit of a relief, but I still almost cried. He was super understanding and asked if I wanted his help with the paper. He didn't want to take it away from me as he felt I should have ownership of all aspects of that project. But if I wanted, he would be willing to finish it for me. Part of me still felt like a failure, throwing in the towel. He understood that too. He's a classic over-achiever as well. He did admire my choice of self and family over work a bit. Apparently, if he could go back, he would like to change how often he worked instead of spending more time with his family.
I know this is just the start of me needing to let things go and start asking for help more regularly. It's creeping into all sorts of corners of my life. More and more, I've had to ask the Boy for help getting up from certain positions and to carry things that I previously could. I know I'm going to need a lot more help with little things and big things as time ticks by and I get bigger. Oh and definitely if/when the baby comes.
It's dawning on me that just because I can't do every little thing myself, it doesn't mean I'm incapable or worthless. Just human. And pregnant.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Random Run-down #2
I think I'm going to start doing these "Run-downs" periodically when lots of little things go on, but nothing worth a huge, full post on their own.
Monday - I felt a true, unmistakable, genuine baby movement after dinner. Since then, they've only gotten more noticeable. I can pinpoint the common times of day that the little bugger is most likely awake and practicing it's baby-fu (mid-morning and after dinner are the most active times). It's a pretty incredible feeling. Also, completely weird and mildly disturbing at the same time. It's crazy.
Tuesday - My youngest sister "moved in" and will be staying with us for a bit. She's relocating from the town she went to college in to this area and needed a temporary lay-over. Almost 1 week in and so far so good. We haven't had the best track record/experience with letting family (BIL) and friends stay with us, but here's hoping things continue to go well. Plus, she likes to cook and bake. Oh and totally loves the dogs (Hello! In-town pet sitter!).
Wednesday - found out from my mom that my dad was laid off from his job. He'd been with the company for 15yr. They needed to cut some expenditures and the more senior supervisor (not managers mind you) seemed to have taken the brunt of the pink slips. While that completely and totally sucks, it means he can find a new job (hopefully soon) that he likes better. My parents will be fine financially as he gets a week paid for each year he worked and all his stored up PTO. Their only real worry right now is health insurance. The only exciting bit from this all is that there may be a chance of them moving to this area as well!! I would be pretty stoked about that!
Thursday - Wellness appt for the pups! They are "prime" examples of happy, healthy pooches! "Great dogs." I've apparently done a great job with them as they are "so well behaved and look fantastic!" Our almost 6yr lab mix, Mazzy, has only the tiniest hits of tarter on her teeth and the only health problems they have are Cricket's joint issues and Mazzy's chronic ear infections. They are such great dogs that they "volunteered" to participate in a study at the Vet school. I felt kinda bad for them as it required vaginal swabs, but they were champs like always. I totally felt for them though.
Friday - Not so great work day. Was straight up lied to by the newest co-worker. I had to clean out a waterbath and scrub it because it was completely gross and smelly. Apparently, it was all clear the day before when she put our stuff in it. That and I've noticed how much time she spends talking without working, talks on her phone, does non-work related stuff on the computer (which we are "prohibited" from doing), and just all-around wasting time. She's pissing me off.
Saturday - The Boy finally was able to feel The Baby move/kick! Each time he's tried, it stops or he only notices my GI movement. His reaction was classic. Que eyebrow quirk, a smirk and a bit of a giggle/chuckle. I was practically in tears, I was so touched, and he's only mildly amused. Oh well. We went ot the $1.50 theater and saw Pir,ates of the Cari.bbean 4. Good movie. Plus, I stayed awake through it all, didn't have to leave to pee, and was comfortable in the theater without a jacket on.
We ended our evening with a pseudo-birthday grill out at a friend's house. It was great to see them all again. As they were Boy's friends that I inherited, he was in charge of telling them all. Oops. It was still a bit of a surprise to quite a number of them. the fact that I'm almost 18w was pretty much a surprise to everyone though! The food was absolutely delicious! Chips and mango salsa. Veggies and dip. Cheese (with the mango salsa). Black bean and corn salad. Caprese soaking in balsamic. Grilled jerked chicken. Mac & cheese (by yours truly). Homemade Pina Colada ice cream! Pecan cinnamon swirls. All 3 of us thoroughly enjoyed it!
I'm not looking forward to my dental appt on Tuesday morning. I'll have to inform them I'm pregnant and answer the hygienist's barrage of questions. With instruments and a spit sucker in my mouth. I hope they don't yell at me for not flossing...
Then, Thursday is the big day. THE Anatomy Scan. With a perinatologist. I really hope all the baby's structures are just as they should be, and its little heart is perfect. I'm also hoping that the little one is modest and won't have all the "goods" in full display. We shall see. I can't wait!
Monday - I felt a true, unmistakable, genuine baby movement after dinner. Since then, they've only gotten more noticeable. I can pinpoint the common times of day that the little bugger is most likely awake and practicing it's baby-fu (mid-morning and after dinner are the most active times). It's a pretty incredible feeling. Also, completely weird and mildly disturbing at the same time. It's crazy.
Tuesday - My youngest sister "moved in" and will be staying with us for a bit. She's relocating from the town she went to college in to this area and needed a temporary lay-over. Almost 1 week in and so far so good. We haven't had the best track record/experience with letting family (BIL) and friends stay with us, but here's hoping things continue to go well. Plus, she likes to cook and bake. Oh and totally loves the dogs (Hello! In-town pet sitter!).
Wednesday - found out from my mom that my dad was laid off from his job. He'd been with the company for 15yr. They needed to cut some expenditures and the more senior supervisor (not managers mind you) seemed to have taken the brunt of the pink slips. While that completely and totally sucks, it means he can find a new job (hopefully soon) that he likes better. My parents will be fine financially as he gets a week paid for each year he worked and all his stored up PTO. Their only real worry right now is health insurance. The only exciting bit from this all is that there may be a chance of them moving to this area as well!! I would be pretty stoked about that!
Thursday - Wellness appt for the pups! They are "prime" examples of happy, healthy pooches! "Great dogs." I've apparently done a great job with them as they are "so well behaved and look fantastic!" Our almost 6yr lab mix, Mazzy, has only the tiniest hits of tarter on her teeth and the only health problems they have are Cricket's joint issues and Mazzy's chronic ear infections. They are such great dogs that they "volunteered" to participate in a study at the Vet school. I felt kinda bad for them as it required vaginal swabs, but they were champs like always. I totally felt for them though.
Friday - Not so great work day. Was straight up lied to by the newest co-worker. I had to clean out a waterbath and scrub it because it was completely gross and smelly. Apparently, it was all clear the day before when she put our stuff in it. That and I've noticed how much time she spends talking without working, talks on her phone, does non-work related stuff on the computer (which we are "prohibited" from doing), and just all-around wasting time. She's pissing me off.
Saturday - The Boy finally was able to feel The Baby move/kick! Each time he's tried, it stops or he only notices my GI movement. His reaction was classic. Que eyebrow quirk, a smirk and a bit of a giggle/chuckle. I was practically in tears, I was so touched, and he's only mildly amused. Oh well. We went ot the $1.50 theater and saw Pir,ates of the Cari.bbean 4. Good movie. Plus, I stayed awake through it all, didn't have to leave to pee, and was comfortable in the theater without a jacket on.
We ended our evening with a pseudo-birthday grill out at a friend's house. It was great to see them all again. As they were Boy's friends that I inherited, he was in charge of telling them all. Oops. It was still a bit of a surprise to quite a number of them. the fact that I'm almost 18w was pretty much a surprise to everyone though! The food was absolutely delicious! Chips and mango salsa. Veggies and dip. Cheese (with the mango salsa). Black bean and corn salad. Caprese soaking in balsamic. Grilled jerked chicken. Mac & cheese (by yours truly). Homemade Pina Colada ice cream! Pecan cinnamon swirls. All 3 of us thoroughly enjoyed it!
I'm not looking forward to my dental appt on Tuesday morning. I'll have to inform them I'm pregnant and answer the hygienist's barrage of questions. With instruments and a spit sucker in my mouth. I hope they don't yell at me for not flossing...
Then, Thursday is the big day. THE Anatomy Scan. With a perinatologist. I really hope all the baby's structures are just as they should be, and its little heart is perfect. I'm also hoping that the little one is modest and won't have all the "goods" in full display. We shall see. I can't wait!
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Spilling the Beans, all over the floor
I did it.
I took the plunge and announce this pregnancy to the work folks. I went back and forth on the best way to do it. Email? In person for each person? Just randomly bring it up? Just show up wearing clothes that show off my barely-there belly? Just keep waiting until it is obvious to everyone?
The email thing wouldn't work because, well, everything sent/received through work email is publicly accessible. I'd feel weird knowing some random person is aware of my pregnancy and I don't even know they exist. I really almost went with the wait until even a blind person could tell I was pregnant, but these people are also friends. That would be a bit hurtful to me if I was them.
Then, technology epiphany. The one time social networking is beneficial in sharing news discreetly. Enter the FB private message. I lumped them all together in a message, so everyone would be told theoretically at the same time. It went like this - "I figured it was about time to fill you all in if you haven't already figured things out. Boy and I are happy to announce that we are expecting. We haven't gone fully public with this news just yet, so I would greatly appreciate it if no one posts anything about it just yet on my wall (or mention things at work in the presence of others)." Simple, straight-forward, and drives home the fact that I don't want everyone and their mother being told about it.
I wrote that up yesterday morning and enter the next dilemma. Do I send it now before work or wait until it's the weekend, and I don't have to see anyone until Monday? After agonizing over the when for about 5min, I just hit send. I pulled up my Big Girl Underwear (tm), just freaking sent it and headed off to start the work day.
I'm not even in the lab for 10min when one of the grad students run up to me and exclaims how excited and happy she is for us, how great the news is, "Congrats", and gives me a big hug.
In front of the other PI in the lab, who I was going to tell in person later that day.
Que me being utterly flabbergasted and caught unawares. I could barely mutter a "thanks". I could see and feel the PI watching and wondering what the heck was going on there. So, awkward convo #1. I had to go over and tell her right then or avoid her until later. She has suspicions it was something like that since my earlier chat about having a "medical issue" and needing lots of Dr appts. Thankfully, she's British and things like that aren't asked until the info is volunteered. She was very happy for us and understanding about things.
Next came the 2 other Research assistants in the lab that obviously hadn't checked FB that morning. To prevent another super awkward situation like the last one, I told them 1 at a time. Apparently, they both also had suspicions. I'm not sure how the new girl picked up on my behavior changes as they started pretty much when she did. It was uncomfortable telling people in person to say the least. I don't really like discussing things like that, especially not in a professional environment. So I pretty much said just that and how I don't need any special treatment or considerations in my abilities at this time. If there is something I don't feel safe or comfortable doing, I will let someone know and delegate that task to another lab member.
It was a bit funny, though, as some of them thought that my new shirts and sweater that I got back around the same time as I found out were "indicators" of my condition. Completely coincidental. I just needed new shirts and the sweater was to replace my aging hoodies, which were old and a bit informal for my new title in the lab.
It was nice to not have to play things off as something else or avoid answering questions. Now, I can chug my apple juice without curious stares or hide in the back corner of the lab waiting for a bout of nausea to pass. I did get some criticism on waiting so long. Most were shocked to learn that I am almost 15w. They were thinking a lot earlier on than that!
Awkward convo#2 was done over text message. One of the grad students was out of town but wanted to congratulate me. She "knew" something was up and had a "hunch" it was that I'm pregnant. Somehow, she knew it has been a rough year for us. That somehow, I'm 99.99% sure, is the now ex-co-worker that was on maternity leave, after accidentally getting pregnant with her boyfriend and not realizing it for a month or 2, before leaving the lab. She was the only one that knew we were undergoing treatment and about the miscarriage. Otherwise, this year has been really good to us. Oh well. People talk. A lot. It actually reassured me that waiting was the right decision. At least now, I'm getting comfortable in my status, so if word spreads, I'll be better able to handle it now than before.
As for other good, but not super close friends: the Boy was in-charge of his friends since college. He sent them text messages. They were surprised but happy for us. Of course, they joked about him being a dad and how I was a brave, brave woman to bear his offspring. Another group of friends will be informed this evening when we attend a cookout/bonfire hosted by our friends that are just a week or 2 behind me in her pregnancy. The surprise, not-trying-not-preventing ones that told us on my Bday. It should be interesting.
Here's hoping this doesn't mean I'll be getting bombarded by baby-talk from all directions. I don't want to become just what is going on in my abdomen in all facets of my life. Sigh. The word is out, and there is no going back now.
I took the plunge and announce this pregnancy to the work folks. I went back and forth on the best way to do it. Email? In person for each person? Just randomly bring it up? Just show up wearing clothes that show off my barely-there belly? Just keep waiting until it is obvious to everyone?
The email thing wouldn't work because, well, everything sent/received through work email is publicly accessible. I'd feel weird knowing some random person is aware of my pregnancy and I don't even know they exist. I really almost went with the wait until even a blind person could tell I was pregnant, but these people are also friends. That would be a bit hurtful to me if I was them.
Then, technology epiphany. The one time social networking is beneficial in sharing news discreetly. Enter the FB private message. I lumped them all together in a message, so everyone would be told theoretically at the same time. It went like this - "I figured it was about time to fill you all in if you haven't already figured things out. Boy and I are happy to announce that we are expecting. We haven't gone fully public with this news just yet, so I would greatly appreciate it if no one posts anything about it just yet on my wall (or mention things at work in the presence of others)." Simple, straight-forward, and drives home the fact that I don't want everyone and their mother being told about it.
I wrote that up yesterday morning and enter the next dilemma. Do I send it now before work or wait until it's the weekend, and I don't have to see anyone until Monday? After agonizing over the when for about 5min, I just hit send. I pulled up my Big Girl Underwear (tm), just freaking sent it and headed off to start the work day.
I'm not even in the lab for 10min when one of the grad students run up to me and exclaims how excited and happy she is for us, how great the news is, "Congrats", and gives me a big hug.
In front of the other PI in the lab, who I was going to tell in person later that day.
Que me being utterly flabbergasted and caught unawares. I could barely mutter a "thanks". I could see and feel the PI watching and wondering what the heck was going on there. So, awkward convo #1. I had to go over and tell her right then or avoid her until later. She has suspicions it was something like that since my earlier chat about having a "medical issue" and needing lots of Dr appts. Thankfully, she's British and things like that aren't asked until the info is volunteered. She was very happy for us and understanding about things.
Next came the 2 other Research assistants in the lab that obviously hadn't checked FB that morning. To prevent another super awkward situation like the last one, I told them 1 at a time. Apparently, they both also had suspicions. I'm not sure how the new girl picked up on my behavior changes as they started pretty much when she did. It was uncomfortable telling people in person to say the least. I don't really like discussing things like that, especially not in a professional environment. So I pretty much said just that and how I don't need any special treatment or considerations in my abilities at this time. If there is something I don't feel safe or comfortable doing, I will let someone know and delegate that task to another lab member.
It was a bit funny, though, as some of them thought that my new shirts and sweater that I got back around the same time as I found out were "indicators" of my condition. Completely coincidental. I just needed new shirts and the sweater was to replace my aging hoodies, which were old and a bit informal for my new title in the lab.
It was nice to not have to play things off as something else or avoid answering questions. Now, I can chug my apple juice without curious stares or hide in the back corner of the lab waiting for a bout of nausea to pass. I did get some criticism on waiting so long. Most were shocked to learn that I am almost 15w. They were thinking a lot earlier on than that!
Awkward convo#2 was done over text message. One of the grad students was out of town but wanted to congratulate me. She "knew" something was up and had a "hunch" it was that I'm pregnant. Somehow, she knew it has been a rough year for us. That somehow, I'm 99.99% sure, is the now ex-co-worker that was on maternity leave, after accidentally getting pregnant with her boyfriend and not realizing it for a month or 2, before leaving the lab. She was the only one that knew we were undergoing treatment and about the miscarriage. Otherwise, this year has been really good to us. Oh well. People talk. A lot. It actually reassured me that waiting was the right decision. At least now, I'm getting comfortable in my status, so if word spreads, I'll be better able to handle it now than before.
As for other good, but not super close friends: the Boy was in-charge of his friends since college. He sent them text messages. They were surprised but happy for us. Of course, they joked about him being a dad and how I was a brave, brave woman to bear his offspring. Another group of friends will be informed this evening when we attend a cookout/bonfire hosted by our friends that are just a week or 2 behind me in her pregnancy. The surprise, not-trying-not-preventing ones that told us on my Bday. It should be interesting.
Here's hoping this doesn't mean I'll be getting bombarded by baby-talk from all directions. I don't want to become just what is going on in my abdomen in all facets of my life. Sigh. The word is out, and there is no going back now.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Movin' on Up
So the promotion my boss put me up for has been approved. It finally made it through all the loops and hurdles, from the bottom to the top. My boss really outdid himself in getting things through all the right channels and saying the right things to keep it moving along.
I'm officially a Research Associate now.
There was a little bit of a pay raise he threw in there as well. That took even more cajoling. I was really surprised that he was able to pull that part off as the State is currently on a pay freeze/raise freeze. That part will take effect in June.
*******
Tomorrow after work, we'll be heading down to the coast to visit the Boy's folks and some friends. Today, we picked up a "I love my Grandma" and "I love my Grandpa" bibs. I wrapped them up with a card in a gift bag. The card reads " Don't forget to stop and smell the flowers" on the front. On the inside, I wrote "Things look like they are going to get pretty busy with 2 grandbabies on the way! Love C, C and Baby W (arriving ~1/11/12)."
I can't wait to tell them and see their reactions. I had a brief convo with my MIL on the phone the other day to make sure that we were still ok to come down. She asked how things were "going" and I had to fib a bit. I didn't want to just tell her over the phone on lunch when we'd be down there in a few days. I hope she can forgive my little lies and omissions!
I can't wait to tell our friends down there as well. The lady friend told me very early on about her pregnancy (just before I found out about that 1st +hpt) and has asked about things and checked in on us periodically these last few months. She responded beautifully when I told her about the miscarriage and everything else.
Maybe telling others close to us, with them expressing their joy and happiness, will allow me to do the same?
I'm officially a Research Associate now.
There was a little bit of a pay raise he threw in there as well. That took even more cajoling. I was really surprised that he was able to pull that part off as the State is currently on a pay freeze/raise freeze. That part will take effect in June.
*******
Tomorrow after work, we'll be heading down to the coast to visit the Boy's folks and some friends. Today, we picked up a "I love my Grandma" and "I love my Grandpa" bibs. I wrapped them up with a card in a gift bag. The card reads " Don't forget to stop and smell the flowers" on the front. On the inside, I wrote "Things look like they are going to get pretty busy with 2 grandbabies on the way! Love C, C and Baby W (arriving ~1/11/12)."
I can't wait to tell them and see their reactions. I had a brief convo with my MIL on the phone the other day to make sure that we were still ok to come down. She asked how things were "going" and I had to fib a bit. I didn't want to just tell her over the phone on lunch when we'd be down there in a few days. I hope she can forgive my little lies and omissions!
I can't wait to tell our friends down there as well. The lady friend told me very early on about her pregnancy (just before I found out about that 1st +hpt) and has asked about things and checked in on us periodically these last few months. She responded beautifully when I told her about the miscarriage and everything else.
Maybe telling others close to us, with them expressing their joy and happiness, will allow me to do the same?
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Lonely, but not alone
Ladies,
Thank you all for the support and understanding the past few days! I'm not sure why I'm in this mopey funk, but I'm glad to know that I'm not alone or crazy in feeling what I am.
It apparently isn't just sadness. I was tearing up reading ya'lls comments. I just felt overwhelmingly touched. I'm apparently over-emotional right now. It's ridiculous.
I almost cried talking to my boss today when he was complementing on doing my job so well and not causing any drama for him or HR, in light of the co-worker leaving today. Again, I was so touched that I almost teared up. I didn't even do that when talking with him about the miscarriage.
I'm thinking I'm just going to try and get all these tears out this weekend. We plan to just spend it in, cuddling with the pups and just enjoying our little "family" at the moment. We'll probably squeeze some yard work in there some where. It's going to be nice just focusing on us, so I think that would be a better setting for the "Big Cry "than having to work and function the day after. And no baby shower!
Thank you all for the support and understanding the past few days! I'm not sure why I'm in this mopey funk, but I'm glad to know that I'm not alone or crazy in feeling what I am.
It apparently isn't just sadness. I was tearing up reading ya'lls comments. I just felt overwhelmingly touched. I'm apparently over-emotional right now. It's ridiculous.
I almost cried talking to my boss today when he was complementing on doing my job so well and not causing any drama for him or HR, in light of the co-worker leaving today. Again, I was so touched that I almost teared up. I didn't even do that when talking with him about the miscarriage.
I'm thinking I'm just going to try and get all these tears out this weekend. We plan to just spend it in, cuddling with the pups and just enjoying our little "family" at the moment. We'll probably squeeze some yard work in there some where. It's going to be nice just focusing on us, so I think that would be a better setting for the "Big Cry "than having to work and function the day after. And no baby shower!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
An Over-achiever not achieving at conceiving
What happens to an over-achiever that is not achieving? They aren’t under-achieving or just meeting expectations. They just aren’t achieving.
What happens is they start to lose IT.
Sanity.
Self-confidence.
Emotional stability.
Control.
All of IT.
Just gone.
No matter the past accomplishments and victories, whatever is being un-achieved dwarfs them in comparison, shrinking their importance. They don’t seem so great or as impressive as they use to be. The shine has been dulled and tarnished, shadowed by the non-achieved looming before the OA.
It is heart-wrenching. Utterly devastating. Completely stagnant. Totally me.
Right now, I am on a paper that is being submitted to one of the most prestigious scienctific journals. I’ve been working on this project for almost 3yrs now. I’m 4th author out of about 20. It’s huge! The OA in me would be a bit smug and excited that so much work and effort has finally paid off, Big Time!
Instead, I would trade it all in, without batting an eyelash, to be pregnant right now. I would hand over my graduate degree, my position of importance and authority in the lab, my fairly decent paycheck, and 4th author status on a ground-breaking paper/project for a baby. Not a moment of hesitation.
OA’s don’t do that! The point of over-achieving is to prove your worth, to get you where you want to be, to prove that you can do things and do them freaking well! Being recognized for a job well-done is the whole reason I over-achieve! I don’t work my butt of for things just to turn around and drop them.
It is a bit strange to think about it this way, but I have put far more effort into making (and keeping) a potential baby than I have into probably anything else in my entire adult life (save my marriage- constant effort that is well worth it). I’ve put loads of time into it. Researching. Reading. Practicing. I’ve invested large amounts of money into it. Doctor appts. Medications, vitamins, supplements. Opks and hpts. And yet, no matter how much time, money or effort I put into the baby equation, I don’t get the correct answer, the desired outcome.
With the input I’ve given to this whole “creating life” project, I would be expecting something like triplets to be the end product if I were to compare it to completely unrelated past experiences. Instead, I have negative product. Debt. Wasted time (can’t get back those hours I spent looking for positions/vitamins/chants/crystals to increase my chances of pregnancy). Loss.
I haven’t achieved. Nor have I under-achieved. I’ve just made no real, tangible progress. That is a hard pill to swallow for me- and that’s saying something given the number of medications I’m ingesting on a daily basis at this point. I can’t say I’m failing, because I’m not. One doesn’t fail if they are trying their best and making the effort. I’m just un-succeeding. Un-achieving. Un-pregnant. Feeling more and more Un-me.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Choppy waters
A little nautical reference if you will. I'm feeling a bit lost on the high seas in the midst of storms. Nothing is really moving in a desired direction. My little dingy is at the complete mercy of things I can't control or influence.
The ovarian cyst is more than I had anticipated it would be. Dr. Google is absolutely right that the pain is amped up during menstruation. Ouch! I physically haven't felt like doing much of anything in fears of over-doing it and causing my angry friend to rupture. I like to think I'm a pretty tough cookie as I usually shoulder through most things, but I've had to resort to the painkillers to deal with my uncooperative body the last few days.
I'm quite a bit upset that I can't take my Femara this cycle. One more thing that is now out of my control. No telling when I'll end up ovulating this cycle. Yet, I'm secretly hoping that I'll hit the jackpot and be able to say that we ended up being one of those stories were after months of medical intervention, the cycle off from them is the cycle we conceived, all on our own and get to take home a baby from it. It's a long shot, but I have a tiny glimmer of hope that it could happen.
Outside my body, things are a bit tumultuous at work. The co-worker that returned from maternity leave a few weeks ago is making things a nightmare. The boss and her had an agreement that he would keep her on until after her maternity leave so she could have insurance for the birth, etc even though her funding has completely run out. He has bent over backwards trying to help her and keep her with an income during a very delicate time. She apparently isn't keeping her end of the deal. She won't resign, so he is left with 2 options: fire her and she gets no benefits or unemployment (and the rest of us have to take on her responsibilities) or keep paying her for the mandated 60d from termination notice and jeopardize the whole lab.
She can't really meet her job requirements anymore between her frequent (and necessary) breaks to go and pump, and her issues with child care. Between her and the baby's daddy, they make a pretty decent living and are well above the poverty line. But somehow, they are unable to pay for any form of child care and have to rely on when their families (who aren't local) can stay to watch him? At the same time, she can go and have her hair cut and dyed, he can buy a new laptop, they can go out to eat and buy new cloths and such? I just don't get it?! They had 9m to work out how to afford a child and then 8wks to figure out care.
It makes me so furious! I've had to struggle and work my butt of for the things they are taking for granted! You have to make sacrifices for the things that are important to you! In college, I had to work 30hrs on top of my full course load to put myself through my undergraduate degree. My parents couldn't really help much financially at the time. Hence, my >$35k in school loans. But since I had to work for it, I made sure to get all that I could out of it. I'm proud to say I was able to pay my own way and be able to come out with a 3.8 GPA while working almost full-time and taking difficult science courses. For grad school, the Boy and I lived off of less than $25k a year between him working full-time, my stipend and any extra money we could make on the side. We lived in a crap apartment, then townhouse, still managed to pay our bills, pay our large medical expense and still save a bit. We didn't go out and party much because we really couldn't afford it.
Now, sure we are making more money, but a good chunk of it goes towards medical related things as well as our chances for a baby. We are not only having to physically work for our child to bring home the money to pay for housing, food, etc., we are having to pay for the chance to even conceive each and every month. It's a lot less than some people have to pay for the same, but still, it's an additional financial responsibility we have. Our financial well-being and baby dreams are now being influenced by someone that won't even make some minor lifestyle changes to afford child care! Our chances at a planned and much wanted baby are in jeopardy because of someone that accidentally got pregnant and can't put the needs of the child or others before their own wants!
Between all this, I've just wanted to pout and cry this weekend. Just sit and wallow in my own despair and pessimism. I know part of it is just because of the gloom that accompanies my period each cycle, but the rest is genuine feeling of hopelessness in our situation. There isn't anyone I can truly talk to about this in person/real life as the only person we know that went through any form of "infertility struggle" is my PG-SIL and all she does when we talk is go on and on about their situation and doesn't really listen. It doesn't really help that she is 8m pregnant and that's all that she seems to be able to talk about. I can understand that, but it's obviously not something I really want to keep subjecting myself to, all things considered.
I hate feeling so lost and alone, sad and hopeless.
The ovarian cyst is more than I had anticipated it would be. Dr. Google is absolutely right that the pain is amped up during menstruation. Ouch! I physically haven't felt like doing much of anything in fears of over-doing it and causing my angry friend to rupture. I like to think I'm a pretty tough cookie as I usually shoulder through most things, but I've had to resort to the painkillers to deal with my uncooperative body the last few days.
I'm quite a bit upset that I can't take my Femara this cycle. One more thing that is now out of my control. No telling when I'll end up ovulating this cycle. Yet, I'm secretly hoping that I'll hit the jackpot and be able to say that we ended up being one of those stories were after months of medical intervention, the cycle off from them is the cycle we conceived, all on our own and get to take home a baby from it. It's a long shot, but I have a tiny glimmer of hope that it could happen.
Outside my body, things are a bit tumultuous at work. The co-worker that returned from maternity leave a few weeks ago is making things a nightmare. The boss and her had an agreement that he would keep her on until after her maternity leave so she could have insurance for the birth, etc even though her funding has completely run out. He has bent over backwards trying to help her and keep her with an income during a very delicate time. She apparently isn't keeping her end of the deal. She won't resign, so he is left with 2 options: fire her and she gets no benefits or unemployment (and the rest of us have to take on her responsibilities) or keep paying her for the mandated 60d from termination notice and jeopardize the whole lab.
She can't really meet her job requirements anymore between her frequent (and necessary) breaks to go and pump, and her issues with child care. Between her and the baby's daddy, they make a pretty decent living and are well above the poverty line. But somehow, they are unable to pay for any form of child care and have to rely on when their families (who aren't local) can stay to watch him? At the same time, she can go and have her hair cut and dyed, he can buy a new laptop, they can go out to eat and buy new cloths and such? I just don't get it?! They had 9m to work out how to afford a child and then 8wks to figure out care.
It makes me so furious! I've had to struggle and work my butt of for the things they are taking for granted! You have to make sacrifices for the things that are important to you! In college, I had to work 30hrs on top of my full course load to put myself through my undergraduate degree. My parents couldn't really help much financially at the time. Hence, my >$35k in school loans. But since I had to work for it, I made sure to get all that I could out of it. I'm proud to say I was able to pay my own way and be able to come out with a 3.8 GPA while working almost full-time and taking difficult science courses. For grad school, the Boy and I lived off of less than $25k a year between him working full-time, my stipend and any extra money we could make on the side. We lived in a crap apartment, then townhouse, still managed to pay our bills, pay our large medical expense and still save a bit. We didn't go out and party much because we really couldn't afford it.
Now, sure we are making more money, but a good chunk of it goes towards medical related things as well as our chances for a baby. We are not only having to physically work for our child to bring home the money to pay for housing, food, etc., we are having to pay for the chance to even conceive each and every month. It's a lot less than some people have to pay for the same, but still, it's an additional financial responsibility we have. Our financial well-being and baby dreams are now being influenced by someone that won't even make some minor lifestyle changes to afford child care! Our chances at a planned and much wanted baby are in jeopardy because of someone that accidentally got pregnant and can't put the needs of the child or others before their own wants!
Between all this, I've just wanted to pout and cry this weekend. Just sit and wallow in my own despair and pessimism. I know part of it is just because of the gloom that accompanies my period each cycle, but the rest is genuine feeling of hopelessness in our situation. There isn't anyone I can truly talk to about this in person/real life as the only person we know that went through any form of "infertility struggle" is my PG-SIL and all she does when we talk is go on and on about their situation and doesn't really listen. It doesn't really help that she is 8m pregnant and that's all that she seems to be able to talk about. I can understand that, but it's obviously not something I really want to keep subjecting myself to, all things considered.
I hate feeling so lost and alone, sad and hopeless.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
AND!
And! I left my lunch at home today and had to buy something at the cafeteria.
And! I think I may have started my period several days early. Woo freakin' hoo.
At least FF gave me 5 free days of VIP membership so now all can see I've been suffering from road congestion for the last 9d. I <3 progesterone suppositories.
Why is it only Wednesday?
Update: I have indeed started early. Cycle #11 here I come. Goodbye 2011 baby. Maybe the in-laws will get that February, April, or June baby to fill in lack of birthdays for those months in the family.
And! I think I may have started my period several days early. Woo freakin' hoo.
At least FF gave me 5 free days of VIP membership so now all can see I've been suffering from road congestion for the last 9d. I <3 progesterone suppositories.
Why is it only Wednesday?
********************************************************
Update: I have indeed started early. Cycle #11 here I come. Goodbye 2011 baby. Maybe the in-laws will get that February, April, or June baby to fill in lack of birthdays for those months in the family.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
ICLW and falling behind
Sorry to be an absentee on the 1st day of ICLW, but work has been kicking my butt this week. If this is your 1st time dropping by- Thanks so much for stopping in and checking me out! I could do a new post that sums up our TTC journey or I can just link you back to these 1st 2 posts I did that gives you the whole run down up to last month: The last 10 months, part 1 & part 2. One of these days, I'll figure out how the heck to make a sub-page on this here blog that will have all this info nicely outlined. Until then, you have to read through my posts!
On to the 2nd part of this post title! I'm falling behind! Not really, just not as far ahead at work and home as I'd like to be. I'm sure it doesn't help when things are added onto my plate and I have to deal with them immediately, putting of the things I had initially planned on doing. Hello, Type A! Major problem there. I don't like my plans being disrupted! Things should get better by the week after next as a co-worker returns from maternity leave so I won't have to be covering for her share of the work any more.
As for home, if anyone has a spare couple of hours they'd like to come and help me clean, paint, and do one of the other kajillion things on my to-do list for the house, come on over! I've been pretty good about letting these things slide the last several months, but I think with my parents impending visit this weekend, I'm feeling more pressure to whip the house into presentable shape. If only I could direct the small amount of motivation I have towards that and work, rather than baby stuff...
I wrote a comment on Mel's post. Yeah. Don't tell my boss, but since we can access gmail at work for calendar purposes, I've been using that and the google reader to keep up-to-date on peoples posts and such. We aren't allowed to check many "outside" sites or do things non-work related. I can't help it though. I'm desperate to know if so and so got their test results or if there was 2 lines on whose-it's preg test, and how protocol A is treating XYZ and who is having what symptoms in their 2ww.
I will admit something else while I'm being so open. I've been filling my time with all these other peoples' lives to distract me from the omnipresent and overbearing shadow of TTC that I'm sure the rest of ya'll know fairly well. Getting wrapped up in those goings-ons keeps me from having to focus on my own. I do genuinely care about all your stories/lives, and I feel a bit selfish to be using them as distractions, but I can't seem to help it. I hope that ya'll can forgive that!
ps- Still waiting for confirmation of O, but I'm pretty sure I'm in my own 2ww now and will be needing ya'lls bright and shiny posts to keep my attention from myself.
On to the 2nd part of this post title! I'm falling behind! Not really, just not as far ahead at work and home as I'd like to be. I'm sure it doesn't help when things are added onto my plate and I have to deal with them immediately, putting of the things I had initially planned on doing. Hello, Type A! Major problem there. I don't like my plans being disrupted! Things should get better by the week after next as a co-worker returns from maternity leave so I won't have to be covering for her share of the work any more.
As for home, if anyone has a spare couple of hours they'd like to come and help me clean, paint, and do one of the other kajillion things on my to-do list for the house, come on over! I've been pretty good about letting these things slide the last several months, but I think with my parents impending visit this weekend, I'm feeling more pressure to whip the house into presentable shape. If only I could direct the small amount of motivation I have towards that and work, rather than baby stuff...
I wrote a comment on Mel's post. Yeah. Don't tell my boss, but since we can access gmail at work for calendar purposes, I've been using that and the google reader to keep up-to-date on peoples posts and such. We aren't allowed to check many "outside" sites or do things non-work related. I can't help it though. I'm desperate to know if so and so got their test results or if there was 2 lines on whose-it's preg test, and how protocol A is treating XYZ and who is having what symptoms in their 2ww.
I will admit something else while I'm being so open. I've been filling my time with all these other peoples' lives to distract me from the omnipresent and overbearing shadow of TTC that I'm sure the rest of ya'll know fairly well. Getting wrapped up in those goings-ons keeps me from having to focus on my own. I do genuinely care about all your stories/lives, and I feel a bit selfish to be using them as distractions, but I can't seem to help it. I hope that ya'll can forgive that!
ps- Still waiting for confirmation of O, but I'm pretty sure I'm in my own 2ww now and will be needing ya'lls bright and shiny posts to keep my attention from myself.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Stuck.
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| Thanks, Google Images |
I'm not sure if I should blame it on the cold weather that has lingered for far too many months (this is the South, come on!), the lack of sunlight and fun stuff to do outside, or the fact that I'm on cd-freakin-20 and not really sure if there is any sign of ovulation in my near future (I've had 10 days of absolutely, not even close to positive OPTs). Maybe it's all of the above.
I've been back to work for 2 full weeks now, and still not fully motivated to get there as early as I use to or stay as late, or cram as much productivity in the work day as my great multitasking skills will let me. I love my job. I think it is generally interesting and exciting and enjoy being there as much as someone can want to be at work. But lately, I can't get myself to get up with my alarm, stop checking my email/blogs/Facebook, or eat breakfast and pack my lunch in a timely fashion to be at work by the usual 9am. On top of that, by the time 4 o'clock rolls around, all I can think about is going home. That I blame on the Boy as he calls me when he's leaving work at 4.
I'm not depressed, per se. I know that state of mind far more intimately than I'd like. I've actually been the happiest I've been in ages since we started TTC (or WTC). I'm just feeling stagnant. I'm just treading water at work and waiting in ovulation limbo. There's no forward progress, no building momentum, no push to do things at the moment. It's all very bland and boring. I'm in desperate need of a visit from the Motivation Fairy. I think she's related the Tooth Fairy. I just need to figure out what to leave under my pillow for her...
I really want to start my 1st Quarter/Spring house cleaning and organizing. I want to get out in the yard and plant stuff, rips stuff up and make it green again. I'd love to start taking the pups on long, evening or morning walks around our neighborhood regularly. I'd like to be able to look back on each day and feel accomplished in what I've done. Unfortunately, that all takes energy and drive to actually get off my lazy butt and get started. I wish each I could currently enter each day with the outlook of "Anything is possible; it's a brand new day". If only each day didn't seem exactly like the one before it and the one before that. I've been mindlessly going through the motions. Lather. Rinse. Repeat Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday; add conditioner Saturday and Sunday.
Any suggestions or words of wisdom of how to get unstuck?
Update: Apparently, my body got tired of the smack I've been talking and finally decided it's going to do something. I struck "gold" this afternoon! Looks like ovulation my be in my plans for this next week.
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