Step 2: Pull the Safety Cord

Or remove the IUD. This was a psychically easy step, but psychologically, yikes! My BP was 118/78 (usually like 100/65) and heart rate was over 80. When I saw the NP put it in the waste bag, it felt like jumping off a cliff. I literally held my breath laying on the table.

The NP is the one that I saw back when we 1st starting and I noticed my LP was way too short. I love her so much as a healthcare provider! She asked if the RE did any baseline checks and if I wanted to have her do them. She checked what protocol he recommended and brought up the letro.zole and BF issue. She mentioned about weaning and that she didn't until she was 2m pregnant with her 2nd as she was exhausted b/n being pg, working and nursing just took too much out of her. She made me feel more comfortable about my decision to make it a mutual decision. We agree to have my thyroid level checked. She agrees with the RE that she'd like to see it under 2.

I scheduled my annual appt for July. She is so positive and enthusiastic. "Hopefully, you'll be pregnant by then!" We'll see, but as I have no clue what my cycle is actually doing at this point. Whether it is due to BFing (most likely) or the IUD masking beginning/end of cycles, I'll be finding out soon enough.

It's crazy to think that it was almost 3yrs ago that we started TTC#1. All eager, excited, and gung-ho! Naive. If only we knew... Better yet, if only it could be that way again. Sure, it was kinda scary going into the "unknown" but it was an adventure! Now, not so much the adventure. It's like walking through the a field that you previous crashed down a pitfall. You are looking for the dangers all around you. It may have just been that one hole that you were unfortunate enough to find the hard way, or they could be everywhere. It's terrifying!

Into the Unkown

Today marks the start of a whole new set of experiences for me.

At this point last time, it was the start of the end. Negative beta. Bleeding. 5wks was the end.

Tomorrow is unfamiliar territory. 5w1d. Something's been burrowed in for the last 2.5wks now. It is just too surreal and feels completely UNreal.

I've been debating of getting a walk-in beta draw this week at the RE's office. Just something to tide me over and give me reassurance until next Tuesday. But to be honest, my blood levels aren't going to tell me anything my body already hasn't. Increasing levels with great doubling rates, don't guarantee a baby developing or a heartbeat.

To appease myself, I took the last digital I had. The last hpt in the whole house. Last time, the word I expected to appear did, but so did the word I had hoped wouldn't. This time, the 2nd digi said just that one lovely word. It didn't take it long to make its decision either. And in my neurosis, I busted that test apart after to see what the lines looked like. Complete desperation. There was thankfully only the faintest of control lines.

The great line, the reassuring physical symptoms, the erratic appetite, and urgency of urination. I wish I could say these all make me feel happy and optimistic each day. Sadly, while I do take comfort in them, they don't completely ease my fears that this may meet the same unfortunate end as the previous.

Maybe it could be a blighted ovum. Maybe the baby stopped developing. I'm so fearful that there isn't a baby anymore but my body is carrying on like everything is honky-dory regardless.

The Boy is starting to think of plans and scheduling to tell the parents and things to do around the house before the baby arrives.

I'm counting down the hours until next Tuesday at 8:30a.

6 days, 11 hours, 21 minutes.

Update?

No change.

I still feel like I did yesterday - kinda crappy.

I didn't drink anything after 9pm last night to concentrate my pee for testing this morning. The "line" is the same. A little whisper of pink. It could be slightly more pink (maybe?) but still just as light as yesterday's.

I have a beta draw scheduled tomorrow morning at 8:15a. They didn't ask what dpo I was, so I didn't volunteer the info. Last time, they didn't want me to come in until after 15dpo. I can't wait that long.

Last night, while settling down for bed, I was talking with the Boy about being scared and not excited. He understands. In fact, he said he doesn't really feel anything about it right now. We aren't hedging our bets just yet. He gives it 60/40 of working out this time. We also discussed me talking with the RE about starting PIO if the betas do well. I didn't want to do the injections over suppositories as my period comes on its own with the supps, but would be delayed until I stopped the PIO after blood draws, etc. We wait enough without losing a few days each cycle to have the extra progesterone level my blood stream.

I'm more than willing to give myself these shots each day if it would mean keeping this sliver of pink. I just don't want to delay the inevitable, though.

I hate the waiting...

Oh, Snap...

"We interrupt your regularly scheduled blog post to bring you some late breaking news."

I know I said I'd be posting about the blog awards today. For now, I'm just going to thank Jen over at The Chronicles of Violetta Margarita, Ashlee at Savor the Moment and Amanda at Our Fertility Journey for the awards. I'll do the other requirements later! Promise!

There is pregnancy test and symptoms talk down below. If you don't want to read on, I completely understand and might even do the same if I was reading this.

I'm home from work today, nursing a killer headache that hit me yesterday afternoon and hasn't left yet in spite of the Tylenol and Ibuprofen I've taken. On top of that, my chesticles (I love the Boy and his made up words!) have been achy and hurting the last several days, I've been having cramps that span down low and pinch on both sides, and then there is that pressure feeling at the back of my throat. All since Monday. When my temp dropped.

I've been spending more time trying to explain them away than looking for new symptoms. I've really tried hard not to read anything into them. We all know how our bodies hate us and like to play tricks with our minds. I don't believe in any of the things I've been feeling.

Because I'm scared. Petrified, really.

I took a test this afternoon, confident that nothing would show up. Heck, it wasn't 1st morning urine and I'm only 9dpo. It's far too early for anything to show up and my pee couldn't be concentrated enough if there was. I took it to prove to myself and my body that there is no way I could be pregnant. I had a huge cyst on my right ovary and I didn't take any of my Ov stims. My temp hasn't really rebounded from Monday.

I peed on that plastic stick (one of the 3-pack I bought last cycle b/c the cyst was making me think I was pregnant) and stuck it right back in the wrapper. I set it on the coffee table while I started to write the Blow Award post.

...

...

...

The faintest of lines is there. Even lighter than the 1st test in January. A hair of a pink-tinged line. This has to be my imagination. There is no way. Maybe it's just the antibody line that I'm seeing? An evap line? In the time limit?

I posted it up on can you see a line.com (don't click the link if you don't want to see a pee-soaked stick). It's 7 for 7 right now on "Positive" votes. I think I am going to throw-up. Not in a morning sickness kind of way, either. In a sheer terror/anxiety sort of way. I had to talk myself up and still hesitated when I went to let the Boy know I had tested, even though I had said I wouldn't unless my period didn't show.

I can't really even say I'm excited or tentatively optimistic. I'm stunned, in disbelief, and most of all scared. I am so very afraid I'll loose this one too, if the line isn't a lie. I'm scared that all the IF friends I've made are going to turn away. I mean I'm barely an Infertile at 10m/11cycles in to TTC. I'm afraid that maybe the line is all in my imagination, and I'll never get pregnant again.

Right now, all I feel is fear.