Into the Unkown

Today marks the start of a whole new set of experiences for me.

At this point last time, it was the start of the end. Negative beta. Bleeding. 5wks was the end.

Tomorrow is unfamiliar territory. 5w1d. Something's been burrowed in for the last 2.5wks now. It is just too surreal and feels completely UNreal.

I've been debating of getting a walk-in beta draw this week at the RE's office. Just something to tide me over and give me reassurance until next Tuesday. But to be honest, my blood levels aren't going to tell me anything my body already hasn't. Increasing levels with great doubling rates, don't guarantee a baby developing or a heartbeat.

To appease myself, I took the last digital I had. The last hpt in the whole house. Last time, the word I expected to appear did, but so did the word I had hoped wouldn't. This time, the 2nd digi said just that one lovely word. It didn't take it long to make its decision either. And in my neurosis, I busted that test apart after to see what the lines looked like. Complete desperation. There was thankfully only the faintest of control lines.

The great line, the reassuring physical symptoms, the erratic appetite, and urgency of urination. I wish I could say these all make me feel happy and optimistic each day. Sadly, while I do take comfort in them, they don't completely ease my fears that this may meet the same unfortunate end as the previous.

Maybe it could be a blighted ovum. Maybe the baby stopped developing. I'm so fearful that there isn't a baby anymore but my body is carrying on like everything is honky-dory regardless.

The Boy is starting to think of plans and scheduling to tell the parents and things to do around the house before the baby arrives.

I'm counting down the hours until next Tuesday at 8:30a.

6 days, 11 hours, 21 minutes.

Weekend Round-up

What a weekend!

Thank you everyone for you suggestions about meeting with my friend E. I decided to go and just see how things went. We decided to make it dinner as well so that was a bit of a releif.

We meet around 7pm after I dropped the Boy off at a friend's house for a bit of a "Guy's Night" as it was on the way. I grab a table and wait for her to arrive. I order a water and sip on it a bit while waiting... She arrives. We hug. She orders a water and a beer. "Do you want anything else to drink?" No thanks, I'm good with water for now. (Crisis averted!) So we start by jumping right into how long we've both been trying, etc. I felt awful for her after hearing they started trying the month before we did, but haven't been protecting since their wedding 4yrs ago, just withdrawing. I was shocked that they didn't have any "accidents" or "scares" in that whole time.

Her Dr won't do any testing until they've been "trying" for a year even though she knows that E is turning 34, has a history with hypothyroidism (crazy, right?) and hasn't used any form of birth control in almost 5yrs now. How absurd! She was just as sympathetic with our story. She asked lots of questions about the types of treatments we've done and what we might have to do, etc. She about jumped over the table from joy when I told her we miraculously had a positive test in January, only to miscarry. She squeezed my hand and offered condolences.She was just wonderful through it all! I almost wanted to come out and tell her that I've just found out I'm pregnant again, but honestly, I don't want to have to tell very many people if it doesn't work out again.

I lent her my copy of "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" to help her with charting, which she just started doing a bit in December/January and pointed her towards Fertility Friend and a place to buy fertility supplements and tests cheap. We talked about how we've felt through these experiences and how the guys have reacted and dealt with things as well as some of the crazy things we've done or thought of doing.

It was so fantastic to just sit and talk with someone in person that completely got it! I also loved that I could impart all the IF knowledge and dispelled some misconceptions she thought were true. She has a follow-up with her Dr on May 16th. I told her to take a stand. Be her own advocate. It's been 11mo, she's approaching "advanced maternal age", and nothing as of yet. If she is ready to start testing, her Dr should be on board by now. I also suggested that she get her DH checked by his Dr. She was all for it, but not sure how eager he would be.

It was totally serendipitous that any of this happens as she rarely checks FB and just happened to do so the week I'm participating in NIAW?!

I also hung out with other friends last night for one of the girl's birthdays. Generally, that involves eating, watching movies and drinks. I was on a roll with my drink avoidance! When offered a drink - "I want to eat some food first." or "I'm good with water for now." When asked why I wasn't drinking - either "We have to get up early in the morning." or "I don't really feel like a drink right now."

I did happen to have a bit of spotting while at their place, before bed last night and a touch this morning. My heart sank initially, but it wasn't and isn't red, just kind of pinkish brown. I'm playing it off in my head as normal early pregnancy spotting and could just be because this is when I would be due for my period. I've decided to take things a bit easy today and not do any lifting or strenuous work, though. The Boy isn't super happy about me ditching out on my chores around the house, but he's understanding about it.

Continuing on my neurotic reassurance, I've been testing everyday. This morning's test is by far my favorite. Not only is it not first morning (Thanks dogs for the 6:45 wake-up call), but I didn't have to force myself to hold it to test (Thank you early morning nap!).

Some how I have to make sure I sleep tonight. I've been anxiously awaiting and obsessively thinking about Monday morning's beta draw all weekend. That and when my earliest u/s would be if it all looks good.

I also received my PIO yesterday. I had to run to the FedEx office 20min away to collect it because, of course, the delivery guy came the 1hr we were out grocery shopping. I'm psyching myself up for the shots and have been watching videos online about how to give them. I'm pretty excited about not taking the suppositories any more!

42

If you are a dork like me, you know that is the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything.

It is also my beta hCG level for today, 11dpo. P4 is at 17. If things double by the redraw on Monday, I'll be starting on PIO shots.

Not only am I a dork, I'm neurotic. I tested Wednesday morning, yesterday morning, and took a digital that the PG-SIL gave me last night. Just to make sure I wasn't wasting my time going in this morning, I also tested today. I've never seen a line this dark on any hpt I've ever taken.

Please let this work out...

I'm also scheduled to meet with the friend (E) who came out to me because of my FB infertility postings, tonight for dinner and drinks. I hadn't anticipated this happening when I made those arrangements. I'm not entirely sure how to handle the situation at this point...

I can't drink now, knowing that I'm PUPO. I don't feel comfortable telling her just yet, but I feel like I'd be lieing to her if I don't say something. I've never been in a situation like this.

Oh, Snap...

"We interrupt your regularly scheduled blog post to bring you some late breaking news."

I know I said I'd be posting about the blog awards today. For now, I'm just going to thank Jen over at The Chronicles of Violetta Margarita, Ashlee at Savor the Moment and Amanda at Our Fertility Journey for the awards. I'll do the other requirements later! Promise!

There is pregnancy test and symptoms talk down below. If you don't want to read on, I completely understand and might even do the same if I was reading this.

I'm home from work today, nursing a killer headache that hit me yesterday afternoon and hasn't left yet in spite of the Tylenol and Ibuprofen I've taken. On top of that, my chesticles (I love the Boy and his made up words!) have been achy and hurting the last several days, I've been having cramps that span down low and pinch on both sides, and then there is that pressure feeling at the back of my throat. All since Monday. When my temp dropped.

I've been spending more time trying to explain them away than looking for new symptoms. I've really tried hard not to read anything into them. We all know how our bodies hate us and like to play tricks with our minds. I don't believe in any of the things I've been feeling.

Because I'm scared. Petrified, really.

I took a test this afternoon, confident that nothing would show up. Heck, it wasn't 1st morning urine and I'm only 9dpo. It's far too early for anything to show up and my pee couldn't be concentrated enough if there was. I took it to prove to myself and my body that there is no way I could be pregnant. I had a huge cyst on my right ovary and I didn't take any of my Ov stims. My temp hasn't really rebounded from Monday.

I peed on that plastic stick (one of the 3-pack I bought last cycle b/c the cyst was making me think I was pregnant) and stuck it right back in the wrapper. I set it on the coffee table while I started to write the Blow Award post.

...

...

...

The faintest of lines is there. Even lighter than the 1st test in January. A hair of a pink-tinged line. This has to be my imagination. There is no way. Maybe it's just the antibody line that I'm seeing? An evap line? In the time limit?

I posted it up on can you see a line.com (don't click the link if you don't want to see a pee-soaked stick). It's 7 for 7 right now on "Positive" votes. I think I am going to throw-up. Not in a morning sickness kind of way, either. In a sheer terror/anxiety sort of way. I had to talk myself up and still hesitated when I went to let the Boy know I had tested, even though I had said I wouldn't unless my period didn't show.

I can't really even say I'm excited or tentatively optimistic. I'm stunned, in disbelief, and most of all scared. I am so very afraid I'll loose this one too, if the line isn't a lie. I'm scared that all the IF friends I've made are going to turn away. I mean I'm barely an Infertile at 10m/11cycles in to TTC. I'm afraid that maybe the line is all in my imagination, and I'll never get pregnant again.

Right now, all I feel is fear.

The worry has fully set in.

I'm just about to head in for the night. It's not even 10pm here, and I'm exhausted even though I woke up at 8:30a and had a 2.5hr nap at 2pm. I have my 2nd beta blood draw tomorrow and I'm very worried and anxious about those numbers!

You see, I fell into the POAS trap. Pee on a Stick. I took my last FRER test this morning. Waited and waited, but only the control line came up. I hold my pee for the next 3hrs, with great effort, I might add, and take my last preg test in the house, that ClearBlue digital. And I wait and wait and wait. It said NOT pregnant. At this point, I'm freaking out and thinking that I've had a chemical pregnancy and will miscarry at any moment. I'm almost hysterical and sending emails and posting comments and going through tissues. Thing is that all my symptoms are still here, still very, very present. I've had ZERO bleeding or spotting, and hardly any CM since last Wednesday.

Thankfully, I talked to the Boy and he tells me to just try not worry, I'm probably blowing things out of proportions and there are so many other explanations for the tests' lack of acknowledgment of my pregnancy this morning. I'm going to try and be as positive and hopeful as I can through out tomorrow, but it will probably be one of the longest days of my life, waiting from 8am until that fateful call in the afternoon. Somehow, I have to be focused at work during this. Somehow, I have to not be so anxious and spastic tomorrow while waiting. Somehow, I will have to find a way to contain either my utter distress and heartbreak or my absolute joy and excitement as I'm trying not to tell people yet.

Please say a few prayers or send good, positive vibes my way that my hCG has at least reached 100. If it is higher than that and everything looks good, I'll be sending out the biggest, bestest internet hugs you've ever pretended you had!

Is a line a line, truly a line?

Warning: This post may contain incoherent ramblings.

I slept like crud last night. Between the anxiety and the physical discomfort I was feeling, I was awake about as much as I was asleep. My joints are achy and  my boobs were very uncomfortable when laying on my sides. Laying on my back or stomach was out of the question as that made the queasy/nauseous feeling worse. Come 6:30am, I couldn't stay asleep.

I had been debating testing since Tuesday. Was that bleeding on Monday possibly implantation? Were these "symptoms" I was having real or just all in my head and I was just hoping they were real? Yesterday, the queasy feeling at the back of my throat was still there as was the dizziness/headache. I had a bit more bleeding, and could swear I was minutes away from starting thanks to the bubbly, crampy feeling in my belly. It too was just an isolated incident and I haven't seen anymore since. Last night, I started having a heavy feeling in my upper chest, just above my bra. The girls were not comfortable. I hymned and hawed about testing or just waiting until my blood draw on Friday morning. I want to know so badly if I'm pregnant or just plain nuts.

So 6:30am, and I'm up today. Just out of curiosity, I temp. 98.7. Way above my coverline of 97.9. I go and use the bathroom. I collect a bit of pee in my Testing cup (c). You know, just in case. And then I pace. Should I? Should I test? Should I wait? Should I stop talking to myself? And then I just go for it. I take 1 of my 3 First Response Early Response (FRER in TTC lingo) tests and I dunk it for the required 5 seconds. I cap it, set it down, and resume pacing. My mind is racing. The tension in our small bath is nail-biting, and I was too.

At the 3min mark (in my head), I pick the test up. I squint. I panic. I squint and tilt the test some more. My heart is about to pound out of my chest. And this is why:

There is a hint of a line. A faint pink 2nd line. I've never ever seen one of these of my own. Usually, they are pure white, as white as snow. Nothing has ever shown up in that testing zone, no shadow, no evaporation line, nothing. My hands are trembling as I hold the test in disbelief. I start to choke up. Dumbfounded, I turn and walk back to the bed. I sit down beside the husband I adore more than anything else. I nudge him a wake. Then, I hand him the test, the stick with my pee on it, as if it was normal, hands still shaking.  "Turn on your light."  "What? Ok. What's this?"  "I took a test."  "There's a dark line and a faint line. What does that mean?"

I just grin like a psychotic lunatic. And I start crying and I'm covering my mouth for some crazy reason. All I can think is Oh. My. God. ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm pregnant. I... I am pregnant. And I'm sitting there, spazzing out on my husband. Hugging him. Kissing him. Trembling and tearing up. A complete freaking basket case. For almost 10min.

I've called an rescheduled my blood draw for today. At 10am, to be exact. By this afternoon, I'll know for sure whether or not I'm pregnant, what my hCG levels are, as well as my progesterone levels to see if the supps are helping and what the plan will be for the next several weeks. Looks like we went to Vegas, rolled the dice, and hit the jackpot. Our "minimal chance" may just have happened...

UPDATE: I was impatiently being forced to wait for the call about my results between 1-4pm, that was 2-5 hrs after getting home I had to watch the clock and check my phone and try not to totally lose it! So I attempted to nap at noon and eventually conked out, my phone tightly nestled against my chest. Wake up at 2:15p. While it did help the time magically go by, still no call and I had almost 2 more hrs I could be waiting, clutching my phone like it was the last piece of bread on Earth.

3:23pm. My phone rings. It's them! It's the RE's office! I scramble to answer the phone, hurriedly saying hello, only to hear someone being cut off as my phone drops the call! Utter dispair! I spend the next minute praying and whispering "Please call back, please, please call back." 3:25pm. My phone rings again. It's them! I start blathering on about how my phone dropped the call and such. Then the nurse gets down to business. "Well, I just wanted to let you know that your levels came back. They are positive for pregnancy at 24mIU/ml. Your progesterone is at 16mIU/ml." Thankfully, I wrote those down like an absent-minded robot, because I got stuck on the positive for pregnancy part.

While those numbers may seem kinda low to most people, I'm thrilled. I actually have some hCG in my system and  my progesterone is greater than 10! I have to keep taking the supplements but I don't care if that's all it takes. I realize I haven't peed at all today since that 1st test this morning. So 6hrs later, I use my Testing cup (c) and a 2nd FRER. The 2nd line is still faint, but a bit darker than before. Hot Diggity! I'm Pregnant. The month I gave up and didn't even think it was a possibility, the month I was totally unprepared for a positive was the month I got it. Go figure!

While I'm beyond excited and happy, I know not to take it for granted. There is so much that can happen between now and that 1st ultrasound, now and the 2nd trimester, and between now and my Due date (which is Oct 6th, by the way). I'm giving myself this day to act like a doofus and be a giggly, giddy little girl. Just today because tomorrow the worry sets in and I don't see it leaving anytime in the next 18yrs or so.

TTC Limbo

CD26 and 10d post Ov. I feel like I'm in limbo. I have no symptoms to lead me to think that either a + preg test or my period is in my near future. Nothing. This could be a good thing. It could equally be driving me nuts! I hate the waiting, the not knowing, the flip-flopping between hope and defeat. I would probably feel better if I was having signs that my monthly visitor was about to come calling. Anything is better than the uncertainty. Especially if you are as much of a Type A planner with anxiety issues like myself.

I have pretty much resigned myself to continuing on this long, winding road that is trying to conceive (TTC) on into next month, and most likely the following several months as well. I am under no illusions that my TTC journey is coming to a close anytime soon. This is my 8th cycle off the IUD. 7th month. I'm already thinking ahead about what we may do when we reach that 12m mark. Do we keep investing in the meds and vitamins and supplements? The follow-up appointments with the RE? Should we just come to terms that maybe conception is out of our reach and call it quits for now? Maybe start saving up for IVF (yikes!).

At 10dpo, most TTC women are just chomping at the bit to pee on a preg test. I had 1 internet cheapy test left. This little sliver of a stick that I have to dip into to "collected urine". Eh, I hadn't peed all day really, so why not. I wasn't expecting anything on it so I sorta waited for the majority of the dye to pass over the testing/control field. Negative. Oh well, no surprise and into the trash with the last test in the house. Sure, I had hoped that a 2nd line might have snuck in there and blown my mind, but I didn't expecting and wasn't really entertaining it as an actual possibility.

With each passing cycle, I feel like I'm getting more and more jaded and cynical about our chances. When my period comes in the next few days (see, right there. When not If.), I'm thinking that I might not even temp for the small window of O confirmation that I had this time around. I'm not sure if even want to take the Letrozole meds or continue the progesterone supps. I'm just so tired of it all. My life is being controlled by CDs and meds it seems. I long for the days that back when TTC was new and exciting. Every day held the possibility of being pregnant. Where I had hope that even though each test I took was negative, that maybe tomorrows would have that line. Where I thought that maybe I'd be one of those women that still had their periods while pregnant, validating taking another test after my period. You know, just in case.

But those days are long gone. That twinkle of optimism has long been extinguished; only sparking back up for a few days around ovulation and fizzling back out under the weight of the dreaded 2 wk wait. And some days, like today, I have to question myself and really think hard about it all. Is all this money, hormone manipulation, the ups and downs, the boxes of tampons and pads and pregnancy tests; is it all worth it? Last summer, I wouldn't have had any hesitation in screaming out a resounding YES. Now? All I can muster up is a "It will be if we ever get to hold a child of our own." I can say that my moods have become much more stable since removing any and all forms of birth control from my system. Well, with the exception of that lovely time of the month where my emotions are just as out of whack as my hormones.