Roller-coasters

Life has been a series of roller-coasters since the holidays.

The weather has been going up and down, up, way way down and back up. It's super annoying and gives me short lived joy at the thought of a warmer winter. The worse was last week, or was it the week before, where we went from highs almost in the 70s to a high of 22 (low was in the single digits), all in the span of a day or 2. I know it's not that obscenely cold as many parts of the US (and world) are colder and snowier than that for months at a time. But NC is the South. The South isn't suppose to get that cold!! Plus, I'm irritated that we have to keep light jackets and heavy coats out and accessible because who knows which you'll need tomorrow!

On top of the weather, work has been something else. I was (am) working on a collaborative paper that has been in the works for over a year and a half now, almost 2yrs. It was so annoying to have to go back to revisit data from 2+yrs ago, even more-so due to the fact that it was spread across 2 diff computers as my old work computer died out and all my data was transferred to 2 different location and not all of it was reloaded on my current computer. Plus, a co-worker that is also one of the lead authors keeps adding and requesting new things to it. I can't write at work because of other co-workers always asking me petty little questions or mentioning trivial things, nor can I write at home as I have a 2yr old who I'd rather spend time with than write and a home that does need to be cleaned and chores needing to be done at some time. Blah. The new hire is doing a bit better, but I still find myself having to repeat and re-explain things. Maybe it has to do with that age group? I don't know, but it is super irritating and annoying.

Works not been all negative, as my boss has been pretty appreciative of things, and I feel like I've accomplished a good bit by the end of the year. Plus, work was closed from Christmas eve through New Year's day. That was 10d with Em, and they were mostly fun times! As usual, all my Christmas shopping was almost last minute. My favorite gifts were for my mom and MIL- painted handprint Santas and footprint Christmas tree and penguin with cornstarch dough. Em had a blast making those! Christmas itself was nice minus 2 things- SIL was very annoying, irritating and self-centered and Em threw the biggest tantrum of her life Christmas day. For the 1st time ever, we had to soothe her by driving around the neighborhood at 10:30 at night to get her to stop screaming and settle down to sleep. Oh man, it was something else. The rest of Christmas day was beyond fun with her though!

Of course, just for fun and just in case, I POAS Christmas morning. Not surprisingly, it was negative. No Letro.zole rx, so late ovulation on cd21. I was only 5dpo. Way, way too soon for anything to show up. Not that I thought that cycle would work any way. Here's where the super-duper stressful roller-coaster begins, think along the lines of those huge wooden, rattly, old ones...

Since I used up my Letro scripts and needed to do a reconsult to get it filled, I deferred until after the holidays as I couldn't stand to have more bad news like we did back in 2010 just before Christmas. On top of that, TTC#2 has just been wearing me down. I was thinking of taking a hiatus and revisiting TTC at some point in time later in 2014. I just wasn't feeling the excitement or hopefulness of it anymore. I was getting to the point of complacency and just going through the motions. Did I even want a 2nd kid at this point? Em's pretty freakin' awesome and I love her to absolute pieces, so I don't think I'd feel incomplete or anything. Our finances are much less than ideal currently so and additional kid in daycare plus needing a new car to fit 2 carseats in would be adding new strain on our already lean bank account. I was tired of all the stress, tracking everything of my cycle, peeing on things, waiting, disappointment, more waiting. Blah...

CD10 rolls around and as I've not had any single symptom one way or another- no PMS but no nausea, adversions, headaches, nothing- I decided to POAS that was laying around under the sink that evening. Of course, it would be negative!

But it wasn't.  How on earth did that 2nd line get there! Also, the RE's office was closed for non-emergent appts. My Ob's office was able to fit me in for a beta and progesterone draw, and told me only after I had been there and completed it, that it would be about 2-3 business days. -.- (no other way to express it than that emoticon). Oh and did I mention that I only had 3 more suppositories? Yeah, had to get that rx filled as well, but thankfully, the compounding pharmacy was still opened and actually had some in stock!

I told Hubs that evening (hey, I held out a full 24hrs this time!) with a card and a test. Then we headed out for some NYE festivities. Really great timing there as I really could have used a night of inebriation! Here's the quick run down of the next 7 days:

Thursday, 1/2- beta and progesterone at REs - hCG 84, p4 was 17
Monday, 1/6 - repeat draws at RE's- hCG 631, p4 still at 17. Ob calls with 1st draw results- hCG 25 and p4 13.2
Wednesday, 1/8- another repeat draw- hCG 632- Also, Em turned 2!!
Thursday, 1/9 another draw to check if it was lab error or something was wrong.-Not ectopic, was even a bubble in my uterus and hCG came back at over 1,600. Follow up u/s scheduled for Thurs the 16th.

Then, we focused on Em's little family get together birthday celebration. She had fun, got some great stuff and did fantastic with a real cake, real candles and ice cream even!

Carrot cake w/ cream cheese icing is great for hair styling!

 Thankfully, other than being cold and rainy, the next 7d were rather uneventful. We went back on Thursday and had the repeat u/s, at ~5w6d. That little bubble, had grown into a yolk sac and there was the start of a fetal pole even. We head back again this coming Thursday to confirm the presence of a heartbeat (at ~6w6d, it should be there).

Thankfully, my only symptoms are tiredness, a bit of bloating, and the appetite of a teenage boy. Not sure I would have been able to handle all that stress and worry on top of all day nausea, headaches and overall blahs like I had with the last 2 pregnancies.

My EDD is 9/12, my BIL bday, and that would make 9 September birthdays between our families if everything works out as "normal". Yup, another September baby- the one month I had hoped to avoid. Looks like my secret to success is to try treatment for a few months, give up hope but still "try" half-heartedly, expecting utter failure.

It took me almost a week to decide to write and post this. It's weird knowing that I'm pregnant, without feeling like it or really expecting it at all. It feels a bit disconnected from me. But maybe that's what happens when in the course of a week you go from deciding not to keep TTC (or take a break), find out your pregnant, have crazy doubling hCG levels that then stall, leading you to fear either an ectopic or loss of a potential twin, to everything looking alright. All I know is that the next 8m had better be a lot smoother. Good thing this is the last baby as I don't think I could handle TTC, the worry and anxiety of TTC and being pregnant after IF and loss one more time.

So Over This All

November can suck a nut. It pretty much came in horrible and is going out with AF starting.

The Hub's grandma wasn't doing well when the month started, so our weekend trip just to visit became saying goodbye. I'm glad we had planned on going as she passed while we were there. I'm also glad as Em helped take his mom's mind off of things a little bit, a pleasant distraction for her. We headed back 3d later for the funeral.

Work has been harried to say the least. Between being in and out for family related items and training the new person, I'm beat. On top of all of this, I've had to do my own stuff, new things that continue to pop up, new deadlines, and trying to write a friggin' paper for a study we completed ages ago. It's been wearing me down all month.

I need a break.

I was hoping I'd be rewarded for being supportive of family, getting things done, and it being the start of the holidays. Earlier this week, I was feeling run-down, kinda sick and nauseous. I was also beyond irritated and emotional with the trainee as she didn't have a clue what she was doing even though she'd been taken through the protocol at least 2 if not 3 times prior. Monday night even had me there past 7p, and that was late enough that I missed out on spending time with Em before she went to bed that night. I was crushed! I sucked it up and kept thinking that whole Kharma thing should kick in eventually.

I was spotting yesterday at 9dpo. Implantation, maybe? I had a barely there positive with Em by this point and a similar bleeding/spotting with the m/c at 11dpo. Maybe, just maybe...

Hahaha. No.

Not to be wholey negative, there are several things I can be thankful for at this time. Good news, though, is that O was on cd15 and 9d LP is better than 7d and definitely 3d. Also, Hubs is great, for the most part. And I will always be thankful for Em each and every day. She's had a bit of a language explosion the last week or so. New words are flying out left and right from this girl! She is such a trip- silly, sweet, cute and her new thing of giving me hugs, pats and kisses melts my heart!

We also put up light and the tree today, which she was completely crazy about.

Happy Holidays to all!

I know this time of year can be really hard and rough for those still in the trenches. Heck, 2 Christmases ago, we were told that we had a better chance at winning the lottery than conceiving without IVF and ICSI. That was a sad, sad holiday season for me. All I wanted was a baby.

Last year, the only thing I wanted for the holidays was the same, except I was 38w and that dream rainbow baby could have come at any moment. I just wanted a healthy baby born.

This year, I can't really think of much I want for Christmas. Not something that can be purchased for or gifted to me. I can't wait to see Christmas through the eyes of a child, and this year, it's going to be my child. I love the fascination Emma has for the twinkling lights, brightly wrapped presents under the tree, and playing with the (child-safe) ornaments on the tree.

Christmas is a time for family and friends. Those by blood, by marriage. Old and new. Near, far. Those IRL, and those only a mouse click away. I'd like to say that you are all part of my blogging family and internet friends.

From my little family to you, Blogosphere: Merry Christmas, Happy, Hanukkah and the very happiest of New Years. May your dreams come true in 2013!

I've missed the Holiday Hooplah bus.

3 (or 4 depending on how you look at it) days until Christmas. Here's what I've completed for the holiday:

Put up 2 wreaths in the windows and a bow on the front door.
Decorated the chandelier tree I showed last post.
Hung holiday cards and stockings from the mantle

The end.

Writing and sending out Christmas cards is just not going to happen this year. Heck, Christmas is on Sunday, and I've accomplished exactly ZERO gift shopping. Zilch. Nada.

Thankfully, family and friends have given me the "preggo pass" on some of these things, but that does nothing to ease my guilt of coming off as Scrooge or the Grinch. Christmas just snuck up on me this year, it seems.

Some of my guilt and self-shaming is alleviated has been countered by me not asking for anything for Christmas. There is nothing really that I want that people can get me. I'm truly just thankful to have family that I can spend it with since my folks moved down here (which means my other sisters will be visiting here). Previously, it would have just been the Boy and I sitting on the couch with Christmas Spaghetti or the like. It's apparently not highly recommended to be traveling a few hours from the hospital at almost 38w pregnant. Go figure. Also, his parents will be coming up to visit on Tuesday, so that will be great as well.

All I'd really like for the holidays is to spend time with family. Now, if some one was able to wrap it up and put a bow on it, I'd love assurance that baby will arrive safely, and we'll both be happy and healthy at the end of it all. But since that doesn't fit well in any box, I'll just take family time.

Here is hoping everyone out there have a Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Awesome Kwanza, and Jolly Festivus! May your days be Merry and Bright and you get all that you want under the tree, menorah, etc. I'd put a baby under them if it was in my power!!

Busy Bee Sampler

Woohoo! Another post! And only 2.5wk between them... Oh well...

I figured that rather than a long, text-filled post, I'd join the photo bandwagon for a change and show you guys some of the things that I've been filling my time with these last few months, weeks, etc. You know, as proof that I haven't just been sitting on my (expanding) butt on the couch the whole time.

**WARNING: there are several baby and pregnancy related pics below. I've tried to group them as best I can if you need to skip on past them. I totally understand.**

Our still un-completed deck that was started in September.
Eventually, one day, we'll finish staining it, put up the last few rail spindles and do the benches...

Sparse Christmas decorations. Just a little bit for that holiday feel,
without all the work of a full on tree and exterior lighting.

Lots and lots of painting involved. And even more moving things from one room to
another and back again! Eventually, that will become an actual, usable closet and room!

I've written so many as you can see. That whole stack is blank...

 Oh and when I am on my kiester on the couch (Boy calls it my "fort"), I'm doing 1 of 2 things:

1) Internet-y things. Primarily, email, blogs, Face.book and P.interest. Lots and lots of pinning! (There is far to much good food and amazing crafts on that site!!) Oh and hunting for some awesome craigs.list finds for the nursery, etc.

This has probably been my best find/deal ever!
$50 and in great condition- original caning and finish.

2) Experiencing things like this:

The closest I'm going to come to posting a "bump" pic on here.
Enjoy my "beauty mark", scar, and wonderful linea negra!

Yeah... it's like a college dorm room in there - very little space but lots of partying! We've reached the "Countdown" stage. Just 1 month to go (ish) and hopefully the last 1.5yr+ will all have been worth it!

And if anyone is wondering, my weight gain reached about 30lbs total now. I've never been one to really gain or lose weight in any real amount, but to have put on 30lbs in pretty much 4-5m blows me away! To think, I was doubting that I could gain it when the Docs 1st told me. I don't mind the amount, and I'm sure it has all gone to my boobs, butt, hips, and of course belly. For being 8m pregnant, I'm feeling pretty good 90% of the time. Here's hoping that keeps through the holidays!

Celebrating Freedom

I know not everyone reading this is an American, but I wanted to wish all that are a happy, safe, and fun Fourth of July! I hope everyone remembers that it is more than just a day for cookouts and fireworks (but enjoy those as well if you are having them!).

While we aren't doing anything big for the 4th in our household as Boy works all day tomorrow, we've had a busy Saturday before the 4th! Went to a pool party at SIL's parents' followed by a cookout at my IF mentoree E's place (she'll find out by Tues if her 1st clomid cycle worked or not- FX'd for her!). Good food, family and friends. I was exhausted! We may be watching some early fireworks with a work friend of mine later this evening as well. A jam-packed weekend.

Over the course of this long weekend, in light of another great check up and the fact that I'll be in the 2nd Tri on the 5th, I've considered making my "condition" known to other people in my day-to-day life. I'm not sure how or exactly when I'll actually start, but it is kind of freeing to make the decision to do so, nonetheless. While not completely declaring my independence from IF, I've at least decided to stop living under its shadow for the time being. It's time to move forward, while not forgetting what all it took to get here.

I've been a bit selfish with this pregnancy. I've enjoyed keeping it mostly to just Hubs and I. Our fetal monitor listening sessions. My growing and changing body. After a bit of processing things ourselves, we share it with the parents. Anyone else has to pretty much drag the info out of me. The few people outside of close friends and family have either found out by asking me point blank if I was pregnant or by someone else's slip (primarily BIL).

The shift to volunteering the information is odd feeling. The more people that know, the more real things are going to feel. It's less likely to be a dream if 20, 30 or more people are aware of  and talking about it. Plus, if anything does happen to go wrong from here on out, I'm going to need a ton of support and understanding. People can't offer that if they don't know in the 1st place. It also means more people to celebrate the good news and milestones.

I'll keep ya'll posted on when and how things go with freeing the pregnancy news. I don't plan on making it FB official for quite a while if at all. Most things are still going to be pretty private (no belly photos plastering the internet- I've only taken 1 so far). I feel like I've started attending a Pregnancy Anonymous group or something. "My name is Christina and I'm 13w pregnant."

Let's all celebrate whatever freedoms we are happy for these next couple of days and know that none of them came easy, without great deliberations and sacrifices, and should be appreciated!