Father's Day can Suck for Men, too.

I generally don't do this, but I just had to write this post. It was prompted by an email I received completely out of the blue.

This is a part of the ALI community that is seldom heard from, because they have to be "strong." One particular statement got to me and made me feel a bit sad that the Boy felt he had to remain strong and support me through the miscarriage. I don't truly know if he wanted to grieve, but felt like he couldn't.

"During this time, I discovered that these “silent grievers” actually
hungered to share their stories, to speak their children’s names aloud and
describe what had happened."

They are trying to raise funding to publish and promote this book on their own as major publishers "mentioned that this is an honorable book, but men typically do not buy these types of books. Basically, they were saying that this book couldn’t be profitable enough for them to invest in it."

I'm sure I'm not the only one that disagrees with this and feel it just another barrier that the rest of the world puts up to prevent IF and loss from receiving the attention and support that other medical conditions do as it is "uncomfortable." I would have loved to have been able to purchase this book for Hubs after our loss. My heart breaks to know that a book like this does need to and actually does exist and that the authors had to suffer such tragic losses (after IF) themselves. It helps though to know that I can take part in making this resource available for others that undeserving find themselves in that position and situations.

I would really appreciate it if you would take just a few moments to go to the site and read about the project as well as contribute to it, either financially or with your own story.

The Cruelty of Infertility

I just read 2 posts that just completely broke my heart (1 by Courtney @ Bodega Bliss and 1 by Elphie @ Alice in Diaperland, formerly Yolk).

Mo of Mommy Odyssey had her water break at 22w. She is being monitored in the hope that it will replenish, otherwise her little boy is likely not ot make it.

She has gone through so much to get a viable pregnancy and even with her current. How can life be so cruel as to have someone go through RPL, loss of a tube, and everything else she's had to endure, then give her so much hope and joy only to rip it from her?

I don't even know what else to say... Please, go and give her some love and support as her,  Shmerson and their little Shmaby deal with this unfortunate turn of events. And if you happen to be one of the lucky ones, like I am, hold your child close and appreciate them for the miracles they are.

The Outing

First, Thanks for all the comments Ladies! As for the sleepless bit, I love white noise but it sorta irritates the Boy. Maybe we can find something that would work for the both of us? Hopefully, it goes away really soon.

Second, the parent visit went well. They didn't bring the uncomfortable topic up, so neither did I. There was no tiptoeing around it; it just didn't come up in the course of our conversations. There was the vague "How have ya'll been?" and "Are things going alright with work and all?" as well as greeting hugs, etc. We played with the dogs and just chatted for a bit. Then, out and about to a few places, trying to find us a new coffee table to replace our 7 or 8yr old table. Upon departure, my mom told us to take care and let them know if we need anything between now and their next visit (which is tentatively set for April sometime). "Feel free to stop by our way any time. You should look up here for that coffee table." All in all, a good visit, and very chill.

Some of the comments on my last post as well as several other people's blog posts have got me thinking. Maybe I should come out to just the family about our problems with infertility. Holding onto the "secret" is getting old. I'm tired of hiding it and covering for it. And I'd love to connect to someone IRL about IF

At the same time, I'm absolutely petrified about sharing it and the immense vulnerability that goes along with it. What will people say or do? Will I get the usual garbage advice about relaxing and what worked for cousin Mark's wife's sister's friend? Will I be handled with kid gloves like I'm some sort of fragile piece of glass emotions? All that and I really don't want people to continually be checking on how things are "progressing" especially if they aren't. I don't want nor need any additional reminders than I currently already have about our non-conceived status.

What is the best way to put this news out there? I'm most definitely not the type to post to Facebook "Hey everyone! I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm infertile. After 10 cycles and 5mo of treatment, I'm still not pregnant. I did get pregnant in Jan and then had an early miscarriage. 'Kay thanks, bye." But I'm not sure I want to do it over the phone. I want to be able to put the facts on the table and not have any immediate comments or questions. I want my cake and I want to eat it too.

Why couldn't things be easier and I "accidentally" got knocked up our 1st month off prevention?

Public vs Private

I've thought about this quite a bit since yesterday. What we define as public and private aspects of our lives. It was initially brought up during our session with the therapist. (I'll give the back story for her at the end of the post.) We were discussing our fertility difficulties, my miscarriage and the various coping mechanisms we were using, well mostly that I've been using. I told her that I had started a blog in January and how I feel it has helped get out a lot of my thoughts and feelings. She commended me for writing these posts and mentioned the irony of how such a private person as myself would put these very private and personal feelings and experiences out into public where everyone could see them. It is almost laughable that we've practically told no one we know in person that we were even TTC and yet I'm broadcasting my miscarriage to the whole world online.

And in other ways, it is still very much private. Sure, the whole world can see what I've written. However, the only ones that actually choose to do so are in the very close-knit world of IF. Individuals that have gone and/or  are going through the same or worse difficulties, trying and trying to start or continue their families.

I don't think I have made anything in our TTC journey truly public. I blog here; I participate in a TTC forum, and we have told a very select few friends that we are trying. It took a lot of back and forth for us to even decide to do a full disclosure to the parents yesterday regarding trying, getting pregnant, getting un-pregnant, and continuing trying. I have not made a single reference to any of that on Facebook (other than the secret/private TTC group I'm in) or in emails or any of that.

It's a bit surreal and strange to me to think that I am far more comfortable telling complete strangers these intimate details than some of my closest friends and family. But yesterday fully illustrated why I chose to do so. Ya'll get it. Ya'll understand. I don't feel I have to explain myself or our actions or in-actions to you. You just get it and know and support. There isn't the 20,000 questions, the inane comments and speculation. I'm not telling the whole world about the inner workings of my reproductive organs and hormones, our sex life, and any other issues. I'm telling my fellow non-fertiles, people that have shared the same back with me as well as "the rest of the world".

I agree that I am a very private person and tend to keep most things to myself. I feel that even though I'm putting this all out on the web, it is still being kept private. I'm only telling my closest, most trust-worthy friends. I'm not just telling random people about these things. I'm telling ya'll.


**Therapist info- We started seeing a professional several years ago for couples counseling as we were having some marital troubles and issues. Started out with this male therapist, but he seemed a bit too touch-feely about things and we didn't think we'd make too much progress there. We started seeing our current professional about 2yrs ago, maybe 2.5yrs. She was able to get through a lot of the ugly truths of our problems and serious progress was made. We decided to continue to see her even after the initial issues we went there for were resolved. There is nothing better than just putting everything out there once a month, getting a different perspective on things and using that to continue to grow. She is probably the reason we are still happily married and we probably wouldn't be here or even have contemplated TTC with out her help. She was great in response to our loss and our coping mechanisms for it, and very supportive and  excited about our potential future offspring.

I'm a statistic.

My life has become numbers and statistics, and none of them have anything to do with anything scientifically significant like they use to.

Cycle days (currently 2), days post ovulation, number of cycles (8), number of months (7), possible estimated due date, today's date (2/1). 1st beta hCG 24, progesterone 16. 2nd beta hCG 4.6. Numbers, numbers everywhere.

About 10% of the female US population will experience some form of infertility. 1 in 6 couples will have difficulty conceiving. One third is female issues; one third is male; 20% is unexplained, and 10% is a combination of partner issues. There is a 20-25% chance of conceiving each cycle if sex occurs during the woman's fertile period. 1 in 5 pregnancies will end in miscarriage. Of that, half will occur before a heartbeat can be detected.*

I am 1 in 6, that 10%, that 1 in 5 and that half. I am that <0.1% of the US married, TTC population that have had difficulty getting pregnant because we both have reproductive issues and the pregnancy ended in miscarriage before there was a heartbeat. I am the current face of infertility and loss. And right now, I feel like just being that number, a statistic. I'm fine with it. Numbers just are what they are. They can't help being odd or even, can't control if they are prime or not.

My infertility is nothing I've done to myself, nothing I could control. This miscarriage is what it is. Sure, it is my loss, but it's not my fault. It just is. I'm not saying I'm ok with it or that it is just a loss and nothing more. I'm far from ok, but right now I just am. I am ok with just being right now. Just being what ever I feel I need to be. If that is angry or sad, confused or numb, than that's what I am. I can't change it. I don't want to change it. I shouldn't have to change it. And I'm not going to change it.

The amount of support I have felt and been shown the last 2 days is remarkable. Women I don't know, never met, will probably never meet have sent me their condolences, their sincere sadness for my loss. The friends that I have online and a few that now in person have offered me any support I feel I need from them and their heartfelt sympathies. Unfortunately, there have been several women I have met and those I have not, that have also sent me their understanding and can commiserate with what I'm going through. Even my male boss, has shown me understanding, compassion and support. My husband had been the greatest. While he is not experiencing this loss as I am, he is still disappointed and sad. While he is not emotionally distraught, he has no problem with me being what ever I need to be and doing what ever I need to do. He even offered to make me a bowl of ice cream for dinner which I so greatly appreciated but did not have any appetite. *** He actually has taken the week off work to be with me after talking with his manager. I love my husband!***

This amazing outpouring of sympathy and support, while it doesn't change anything, makes this process slightly easier. I may be a statistic, but at least I'm not alone.




* Statistics taken from Resolve: The National Infertility Association and The CDC's Division of Reproductive Health