The Outing

First, Thanks for all the comments Ladies! As for the sleepless bit, I love white noise but it sorta irritates the Boy. Maybe we can find something that would work for the both of us? Hopefully, it goes away really soon.

Second, the parent visit went well. They didn't bring the uncomfortable topic up, so neither did I. There was no tiptoeing around it; it just didn't come up in the course of our conversations. There was the vague "How have ya'll been?" and "Are things going alright with work and all?" as well as greeting hugs, etc. We played with the dogs and just chatted for a bit. Then, out and about to a few places, trying to find us a new coffee table to replace our 7 or 8yr old table. Upon departure, my mom told us to take care and let them know if we need anything between now and their next visit (which is tentatively set for April sometime). "Feel free to stop by our way any time. You should look up here for that coffee table." All in all, a good visit, and very chill.

Some of the comments on my last post as well as several other people's blog posts have got me thinking. Maybe I should come out to just the family about our problems with infertility. Holding onto the "secret" is getting old. I'm tired of hiding it and covering for it. And I'd love to connect to someone IRL about IF

At the same time, I'm absolutely petrified about sharing it and the immense vulnerability that goes along with it. What will people say or do? Will I get the usual garbage advice about relaxing and what worked for cousin Mark's wife's sister's friend? Will I be handled with kid gloves like I'm some sort of fragile piece of glass emotions? All that and I really don't want people to continually be checking on how things are "progressing" especially if they aren't. I don't want nor need any additional reminders than I currently already have about our non-conceived status.

What is the best way to put this news out there? I'm most definitely not the type to post to Facebook "Hey everyone! I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm infertile. After 10 cycles and 5mo of treatment, I'm still not pregnant. I did get pregnant in Jan and then had an early miscarriage. 'Kay thanks, bye." But I'm not sure I want to do it over the phone. I want to be able to put the facts on the table and not have any immediate comments or questions. I want my cake and I want to eat it too.

Why couldn't things be easier and I "accidentally" got knocked up our 1st month off prevention?

I need to recharge the batteries

It's a bit of an oxymoron to be so tired and worn down but not able to sleep, right? The last week and a half, I feel fatigued all day which doesn't help with my already lacking motivation and dragging productivity. I get home and feel like a zombie checking email and websites and blogs. Too tired to do my usual nighttime routine and just do the quick version. Once I hop into bed and get comfortable though, wide awake.

My mind isn't racing. I'm relaxed. I'm freaking tired as all get out (does anyone else say that? The Boy makes fun of me for it). Why can't I fall asleep? I eventually drift off after quite a while, but end up waking back up for no reason. Not too hot, not too cold, not uncomfortable and no noises disturbing me. I just wake up. Having a drink before bed doesn't help. Reading doesn't help. Eating. Not eating. I can't seem to beat it. The only time I sleep really really well is the last few hours before I have to go to work. 4-8am is when I've been getting my best sleep.

I really wish I could blame the lack of energy on something awesome like being pregnant or something. Alas, it's just good ol' insomnia. It creeps around and stays for a few weeks every now and then throughout the year. I could probably get a script for some sleep aids from my Dr, but I really don't like taking meds unless absolutely necessary. Or at least absolutely necessary to make the baby that I really want (which is hopefully making its way down my tubes and prepping itself for burrowing into my uterus here in the next week or so!).

Regardless of why the lack of sleep, I have not been doing my appropriate amount of commenting each day. I feel really guilty about it. I just can't bring myself though to leave a comment on someone's blog just to leave a comment. I have to have something to add or at least contribute in some way. Lately, I'm just glad I can string together a few sentences periodically throughout the day that sound coherent and make at least some sense to the person with which I'm speaking.

Please forgive me my ICLW trespasses. I'll try to make up for it next month. I should be post-insomnia zombified by then. In the meantime, I'd really like to know what all your nighttime/sleep rituals are!