Widening the circle, a bit.

There are now 10 people outside of myself, the Boy (and ya'll) that know that we've been TTC and miscarried. Both parents (4), my boss, his boss, the therapist, Boy's co-worker, and now, the B & SIL. Yes, them.

I got tired of making excuses and lame back stories to why we can go to this or that and pretending to be super happy for every little thing they inform us on about their very soon to be arriving baby. The BIL was stopping by on Tuesday around 5pm to drop off a "special care package" of samples his little lab puppy was donating to my lab. As I gave him the go ahead, the Boy used that opportunity to fill him in on all our goings-ons.

At first, the BIL thought he had done something wrong, because Boy never has serious conversations. Then, he felt bad for some of the things he's said without knowing what we were going through at the time. He was caring and understanding from what hubby said. Even told us to keep trying no matter what, it will happen. And then, he suggested exactly what I knew he would. "She should talk to SIL about this. She knows about this stuff."

I knew that would come up and even had the Boy make sure to tell anyone he informs about this that it is different that SIL's situation. I feel really bad and kinda guilty about how anti-talking to her I am. Having "talks" with her in general is one-sided, and I don't think I can handle her dominating the conversation about my miscarriage and my feelings about it. And to make myself feel even more selfish, I don't want to talk to her about it because I don't want mine compared to hers. A miscarriage is a miscarriage, is never pleasant, and emotionally straining to say the least. I just don't want MY m/c to be lost in the sea of all the other (unfortunate) m/cs. I want mine to stay special.

It's just so hard now to connect with people that got pregnant easily. Or those that stayed that way with minimal assistance. I can barely stand to be in the same room as the maternity leave co-worker this past week. She spends half her time looking at pics of her son or talking about him and the other half talking about how hard it is to have to pump or breastfeed or sleep. I think I will have to bring her into the circle at least if I value my sanity at work.

Does it ever get easier?

Today's post is brought to you by the #9

9
9 cycles.
9dpo.
and hey, 9pm (EST)!

I think I'm diving off the deep end this 2ww. The last 2 days have involved me flipping back and forth being optimistic and disappointed about this cycle. I could have sworn I would be finding an unwelcomed visitor on several different restroom breaks, but luckily didn't. I think I have symptoms and then I don't or think that I'm just imagining them. The only thing I can say for certain is I've had a lot of odd cramping, almost akin to ovulation pains, but kind of all over the belly area. Oh, and I almost forgot, I've been super warm off and on today and sweaty the past 3 nights. I can't recall if this happened last month or all of the past months I've taken the progesterone supplements.

I'm trying not to get my hopes too high or expect too much out of this cycle. but after 9 freaking cycles I'm ready to be pregnant already. I was talking with a TTC buddy I meet online (Hi Sheena!) about how if I had been lucky right out of the gate, I'd be due at the end of March. That is so unreal to me. How is it that I'm not pregnant by now?!

I really hope I get some insight of how things will turn out for cycle #9 by this weekend. It is far too pregnant people orientated for me to deal and not knowing or starting my period. Friday, we plan to attend a show by a friend's band. His wife found out at the start of Jan that she was pregnant, told me mid Jan, just a week or so before I got my positive. They had been not preventing for almost a year, but hadn't actually started trying. She's almost out of her 1st trimester by now. I'm not sure I can have a conversation with him without either holding back a floodgate of emotions or by drugging myself up with enough Xan.ax that I won't care.

Saturday. Oh god, Saturday. Hubby's folks are coming into town for a day or 2 to attend the SIL's 3d/4d ultrasound. She invited us to this, but 1) I really think this is a very private occasion, and 2) there is absolutely no way I can attend it without breaking down or blowing up. I'm sure to visit with the in-laws, we'll have to head over to her and BIL's house that evening and I'll have to either come clean to them or make up an excuse. The parents know the truth, so either way it's going to awkward. Then Saturday evening, a co-worker/friend is having a belated house-warming party. Belated because she gave birth the month after they moved in. Her daughter is adorable; I made a trip to their place a few weeks ago, after the m/c, and was ok. What will be difficult about this time is that there will be at a minimum 4 babies. That's right, FOUR, and 3 of those were "Holy cow! We were so surprised to have been pregnant. Totally unplanned!" If I could have assurance that it wasn't just going to be baby and new mommy talk, I'd go in a heartbeat. Somehow, I don't think that will be the case.

But in good news, the boy bought me a few little pots of strawberry plants to put in my plant hanger. I can't wait for the weather to stay warm so I can hang the planter outside and let the plants grow and supply me with a summer's worth of delicious, sweet fruits! My daffodils are exploding in the front yard. Everywhere, thanks to the previous owners. The trees are blooming and growing leaves. Things look to be turning green again and that makes me happy! Also, the baby animals are being born at work, and I got to have a closer than expected encounter with this little girl when she broke out of the pen.

Can I go home with you?

See! Even baby animals want me to be their mommy! This is totally a sign that I should be knocked up ASAP!