Insight or insecurity?

Even though I've been posting happy little tid bits in the Daily Delights, I still feel like I'm just spewing a lot of negativity out into the blogosphere these days. It's not intentional at all. I think it may just because there really isn't anything going on lately. With nothing to really comment on in my life, I turn to my thoughts, which tend to fall on the not-so-chipper side.

I say I'm a realist but in truth that is just a nice spin on being a pessimist. I've always looked for the bad in things, expected the worst, and never hedged my bets on the good outcome. This behavior has only been exacerbated by recent events. I have tried to not dwell on the bad and focus on the good and was doing well for a while. With the help of medication, of course.

I've been battling anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem, in one form or another, for as long as I can remember. All the way back in elementary school even. I was an awkward and very shy child, and tended to be picked on by others. Never physically, but the "I'm rubber. You're glue..." trick never worked for me. The words hurt. However, I was unable to avoid being the butt of a joke or some put-down by the more popular kids. From then on, I was a nerd, with great grades, wasn't into fashion or sports, and a late bloomer. Oh, and I had braces and acne. A prime target, really.

I had great friendships through those years and on into middle and high school. Unfortunately, they would move or we moved or someone changed schools. I've never been able to keep a true BFF. I know through counseling/therapy that this is why I guard myself, keep from getting close to other people and letting them in to my inner world. I've been burned too many times to get close to that warm, glowing flame of close friendship, and beaten down enough to think it's not something I deserve anyways.

I was making progress on all these front the last few years. I was making the efforts and seeing some results. I stepped out of my comfort zone, put myself out there and was pleasantly surprised a few times. I was slowly taking down my wall. It felt great! To talk with people, to share things. I felt lighter and happier than I have in years. Things improved even more when we ditched the prevention and started TTC.

Now, things seem to no longer be improving. I find myself retreating more and more. I find myself smiling less and less. While I'm not rebuilding the wall, I've invested in some other forms of armor. I'm not entirely sure why I'm doing this. Sharing the bad, along with the good, made things easier, less complicated. Why am I hiding and avoiding when I know it is not an emotionally healthy thing to do? Why am I withdrawing when I need the external support? Could it be that if I ignore the hard and difficult truths, they don't exist? Pretending that the monster in the closet is just my imagination and when I open my eyes again, thing will be better?

I just don't know.

What I do know is that I'm beginning to experience those feelings of depression and anxiety again, even on my meds. I don't like it, but don't know how to change it. I refuse to let things spiral back down to the point they were 2yrs ago. I don't want to hide in denial that a problem exists. But what else can I do? These feelings are surfacing because of things I can't control and can't seem to fix. Sure, I could up my med doses, but that is just masking the symptoms not curing the cause.

I know so many of you have had these same feelings as you struggle with infertility as well. It sucks and I hate it. I've feel like this after just 9m of TTC, 6m of IF. I feel weak to admit it, but I've been taking my Xan.ax far more frequently than I ever did in these past 2yrs. I just can not deal with situations involving pregnant women, new moms, etc unless my emotions have been blunted by medication or alcohol. It's sad and makes me feel worse to know that I don't have it in me to face these things on my own.

This has probably been the hardest 6m of my life. So incredibly trying. And difficult. And defeating. I don't know how some of you do this for 1yr, 2yrs, and even longer. Ya'll are far stronger than I. I don't think I could cope with these feelings for that long. I'm scared of getting a positive again and losing that as well. I'm scared of never getting another positive. It isn't the disappointment of negatives. Sure, I'm a bit down each cd1, but it is more due to thoughts of it never happening than that it didn't happen this month. I don't know how women can keep moving forward, month after month, cycle after cycle with the knowledge that it may never be something achievable for them. I know in the end "it will all be worth it". I just don't want to be an angry, bitter, and jaded women when I get to that point.

How does one separate their self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy that are so intimately tied to infertility? How does one not feel like a failure when their body fails to do something that women have been doing almost effortlessly for millions of years? I'm sure if I gained some ground somewhere, I'd feel better. I just need something really, really good to happen soon to pick me up. Anything.

The XYZs to Me

** Initially written 01/08/11**

Now that you are up to speed on all the fertility problems we are facing, I think it's probably appropriate to fill you in on some more details of who I actually AM.

I am the 2nd of 4 girls in my family, my older sister was from my mom's 1st marriage, and I was pretty unassuming growing up. I had great grades all through out school and was shy to a fault. I slowly came out of my shell, but only really comfortable with close friends and family. Except for a few of my pre-school years, I was and still am a tomboy. I loved being outdoors and knee deep in it. Dirt, bugs, birds, animals, plants- I loved it all. I still do. While I got A in all my classes in school, my favorite courses were math, science, and art (I am by no means an artist!) I loved all the equations and intricacies that made up the subjects.

So off I go to college. 1st semester in I decided to be a Biology major, but was still enthralled by chemistry, psychology, and physics. My coursework was general requirements and then packed full of science. Heck, even my electives were things like "Abnormal psychology", "Drugs and the Brain", and "Comparative Vertebrate Zoology". Science Nerd? Oh yes, I was. I teetered back and forth between focusing on genetics or conservational/behavioral biology. In the end, I just did them both, and minored in Chemisty and Psychology while I was at it. Starting my sophomore year, I also did undergraduate research in various labs. By my senior year, I knew I wanted to continue on in my science education and do more research.

Through out this whole time, I was seeing/dating/ with my now-husband-then-boyfriend. We meet online my freshman year, before internet dating was even cool. We were long distance until the end of my sophomore year, at which time he was experiencing a medical condition that kept him from working. That motivated him to move up to be with me, and that Fall we got our 1st apartment together. I'm not going to say "and things were great" because that is unrealistic and they weren't. It was hard going from being long distance to suddenly living together, seeing each other for a few days a month to 24/7. Relationships are hard, but you work on them if they are important to you, and ours was. He proposed on my 21st birthday, the end of my junior year.

My Senior year was then spent taking classes, doing undergrad research, working 30hrs, applying to grad schools and planning a wedding. Overachiever, yes I know. I didn't get into the research program that I really wanted, but happened to just fall into a different but similar one. In a 3month span, I graduated, got married, moved and started grad school.

Here's where things all start connecting to TTC. My grad program was Animal Science and my project was looking at fertility in dairy cows. I learned the ins and outs of the reproductive system of various animals (and people) and all about the play of hormones that make us all tick and tock. If it had to do with making babies, I knew it in about 5 different species. None of my learning was getting any use in my personal life yet as we were no where near ready to have kids. We barely had time for our pets, 2 cats at the time. That didn't stop the questions of "when will ya'll start having kids" and "thinking about starting a family yet?". We were the 1st on both sides to get married; we should be the 1st to have kids, right? At that time, we had no clue how wrong that would be.