I don't know if it is the hormones, or what, but I've started having countless instances of extreme anxiety recently. I'll be happy, smiling, and just content with life one second, and petrified the next.
Holy. F'ing. Geez.
I've spent the last 16 months focusing on getting (and staying) pregnant. Why is it just now occurring to me start thinking (read: worrying) about actually having a baby and being a mom? I'll just be sitting/laying around, enjoying a few kicks and punches when -
WHAM!
Are we ready for a baby?!
Will we be good parents?!
Am I able to be 100% responsible for the well-being and life of another person?!
I've been so blinded by reaching the 1st step and keeping my footing that I haven't looked at the destination. I was so wrapped up in the idea of being pregnant and the thought of a baby that the actual baby was never a solid, corporeal thing.
While I'm sure this is completely normal, I still feel immensely guilty for it. Here I am at a place that so many women (and couples) would give limbs to be at, and I'm freaking out about it.
WTF, Christina!?!
I've had these thoughts a feelings off and on before, but more in a far away, day-dreamy sense. I don't know if it has to do with the fact that I can now see baby moving around from outside or the fact that people have started to buy us things and pass on baby stuff. maybe it's because "viability" is just around the corner. I don't know, but, we are at the point that we need to start putting things together and planning for this real, live, fast approaching baby that we so desperately wanted.
How much will I start freaking out when my lil sister moves out of the spare room, and I no longer have an excuse to put off doing a nursery? Or when we start up our registries? Or planning showers?*
Don't get me wrong. I still feel extremely and immensely blessed to be where I'm at, to have had a (so far) practically uncomplicated pregnancy. Insanely lucky, really. But I just can't seem to prevent these little, mini-panic attacks. I feel just horrible having them when this is something we worked so hard to have, for far less time (and money) than so many of you out there. I feel even worse complaining about them. However, I feel that if anyone could truly understand my fears and feelings, it would be this community. Very few people IRL seem to get my hesitation at diving head first into all things baby-obsessed.
"Gasp! You haven't started the nursery or a registry or named the baby and planned its whole life? You need to get on that! The baby will be here before you know it!!"
I'm sure there has to be some way to deal with all this anxiety and worry. I mean, something other than staying pregnant for the rest of my life. **
* My mom has mentioned planning one, but that (thankfully) got put on hold when my dad got laid-off. Now that he's been offered and accepted a job, she has a ton of other things on her plate to keep her busy and stressed-out over. The previously PG-SIL, however, emailed last night to offer to host/throw us one. We are touched, but I'm freaking out at the prospect of a) the registry, b) a huge fuss being made over me, and c) Holy crap- the impending avalanche of baby things.
** While I've enjoyed, truly enjoyed being pregnant, I couldn't fathom staying this way forever. I'm sure I'll reach the point where it would no longer be funny that I can't get up from laying down without rocking myself up/rolling to my side or dropping food on my now larger boobs and belly. That, and staying PG forever would make me HAVE to go shopping for maternity clothes, rather than making due with pj pants/yoga pants/stretching my regular shirts down for my wardrobe.
Showing posts with label anxiety.. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety.. Show all posts
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
Insight or insecurity?
Even though I've been posting happy little tid bits in the Daily Delights, I still feel like I'm just spewing a lot of negativity out into the blogosphere these days. It's not intentional at all. I think it may just because there really isn't anything going on lately. With nothing to really comment on in my life, I turn to my thoughts, which tend to fall on the not-so-chipper side.
I say I'm a realist but in truth that is just a nice spin on being a pessimist. I've always looked for the bad in things, expected the worst, and never hedged my bets on the good outcome. This behavior has only been exacerbated by recent events. I have tried to not dwell on the bad and focus on the good and was doing well for a while. With the help of medication, of course.
I've been battling anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem, in one form or another, for as long as I can remember. All the way back in elementary school even. I was an awkward and very shy child, and tended to be picked on by others. Never physically, but the "I'm rubber. You're glue..." trick never worked for me. The words hurt. However, I was unable to avoid being the butt of a joke or some put-down by the more popular kids. From then on, I was a nerd, with great grades, wasn't into fashion or sports, and a late bloomer. Oh, and I had braces and acne. A prime target, really.
I had great friendships through those years and on into middle and high school. Unfortunately, they would move or we moved or someone changed schools. I've never been able to keep a true BFF. I know through counseling/therapy that this is why I guard myself, keep from getting close to other people and letting them in to my inner world. I've been burned too many times to get close to that warm, glowing flame of close friendship, and beaten down enough to think it's not something I deserve anyways.
I was making progress on all these front the last few years. I was making the efforts and seeing some results. I stepped out of my comfort zone, put myself out there and was pleasantly surprised a few times. I was slowly taking down my wall. It felt great! To talk with people, to share things. I felt lighter and happier than I have in years. Things improved even more when we ditched the prevention and started TTC.
Now, things seem to no longer be improving. I find myself retreating more and more. I find myself smiling less and less. While I'm not rebuilding the wall, I've invested in some other forms of armor. I'm not entirely sure why I'm doing this. Sharing the bad, along with the good, made things easier, less complicated. Why am I hiding and avoiding when I know it is not an emotionally healthy thing to do? Why am I withdrawing when I need the external support? Could it be that if I ignore the hard and difficult truths, they don't exist? Pretending that the monster in the closet is just my imagination and when I open my eyes again, thing will be better?
I just don't know.
What I do know is that I'm beginning to experience those feelings of depression and anxiety again, even on my meds. I don't like it, but don't know how to change it. I refuse to let things spiral back down to the point they were 2yrs ago. I don't want to hide in denial that a problem exists. But what else can I do? These feelings are surfacing because of things I can't control and can't seem to fix. Sure, I could up my med doses, but that is just masking the symptoms not curing the cause.
I know so many of you have had these same feelings as you struggle with infertility as well. It sucks and I hate it. I've feel like this after just 9m of TTC, 6m of IF. I feel weak to admit it, but I've been taking my Xan.ax far more frequently than I ever did in these past 2yrs. I just can not deal with situations involving pregnant women, new moms, etc unless my emotions have been blunted by medication or alcohol. It's sad and makes me feel worse to know that I don't have it in me to face these things on my own.
This has probably been the hardest 6m of my life. So incredibly trying. And difficult. And defeating. I don't know how some of you do this for 1yr, 2yrs, and even longer. Ya'll are far stronger than I. I don't think I could cope with these feelings for that long. I'm scared of getting a positive again and losing that as well. I'm scared of never getting another positive. It isn't the disappointment of negatives. Sure, I'm a bit down each cd1, but it is more due to thoughts of it never happening than that it didn't happen this month. I don't know how women can keep moving forward, month after month, cycle after cycle with the knowledge that it may never be something achievable for them. I know in the end "it will all be worth it". I just don't want to be an angry, bitter, and jaded women when I get to that point.
How does one separate their self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy that are so intimately tied to infertility? How does one not feel like a failure when their body fails to do something that women have been doing almost effortlessly for millions of years? I'm sure if I gained some ground somewhere, I'd feel better. I just need something really, really good to happen soon to pick me up. Anything.
I say I'm a realist but in truth that is just a nice spin on being a pessimist. I've always looked for the bad in things, expected the worst, and never hedged my bets on the good outcome. This behavior has only been exacerbated by recent events. I have tried to not dwell on the bad and focus on the good and was doing well for a while. With the help of medication, of course.
I've been battling anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem, in one form or another, for as long as I can remember. All the way back in elementary school even. I was an awkward and very shy child, and tended to be picked on by others. Never physically, but the "I'm rubber. You're glue..." trick never worked for me. The words hurt. However, I was unable to avoid being the butt of a joke or some put-down by the more popular kids. From then on, I was a nerd, with great grades, wasn't into fashion or sports, and a late bloomer. Oh, and I had braces and acne. A prime target, really.
I had great friendships through those years and on into middle and high school. Unfortunately, they would move or we moved or someone changed schools. I've never been able to keep a true BFF. I know through counseling/therapy that this is why I guard myself, keep from getting close to other people and letting them in to my inner world. I've been burned too many times to get close to that warm, glowing flame of close friendship, and beaten down enough to think it's not something I deserve anyways.
I was making progress on all these front the last few years. I was making the efforts and seeing some results. I stepped out of my comfort zone, put myself out there and was pleasantly surprised a few times. I was slowly taking down my wall. It felt great! To talk with people, to share things. I felt lighter and happier than I have in years. Things improved even more when we ditched the prevention and started TTC.
Now, things seem to no longer be improving. I find myself retreating more and more. I find myself smiling less and less. While I'm not rebuilding the wall, I've invested in some other forms of armor. I'm not entirely sure why I'm doing this. Sharing the bad, along with the good, made things easier, less complicated. Why am I hiding and avoiding when I know it is not an emotionally healthy thing to do? Why am I withdrawing when I need the external support? Could it be that if I ignore the hard and difficult truths, they don't exist? Pretending that the monster in the closet is just my imagination and when I open my eyes again, thing will be better?
I just don't know.
What I do know is that I'm beginning to experience those feelings of depression and anxiety again, even on my meds. I don't like it, but don't know how to change it. I refuse to let things spiral back down to the point they were 2yrs ago. I don't want to hide in denial that a problem exists. But what else can I do? These feelings are surfacing because of things I can't control and can't seem to fix. Sure, I could up my med doses, but that is just masking the symptoms not curing the cause.
I know so many of you have had these same feelings as you struggle with infertility as well. It sucks and I hate it. I've feel like this after just 9m of TTC, 6m of IF. I feel weak to admit it, but I've been taking my Xan.ax far more frequently than I ever did in these past 2yrs. I just can not deal with situations involving pregnant women, new moms, etc unless my emotions have been blunted by medication or alcohol. It's sad and makes me feel worse to know that I don't have it in me to face these things on my own.
This has probably been the hardest 6m of my life. So incredibly trying. And difficult. And defeating. I don't know how some of you do this for 1yr, 2yrs, and even longer. Ya'll are far stronger than I. I don't think I could cope with these feelings for that long. I'm scared of getting a positive again and losing that as well. I'm scared of never getting another positive. It isn't the disappointment of negatives. Sure, I'm a bit down each cd1, but it is more due to thoughts of it never happening than that it didn't happen this month. I don't know how women can keep moving forward, month after month, cycle after cycle with the knowledge that it may never be something achievable for them. I know in the end "it will all be worth it". I just don't want to be an angry, bitter, and jaded women when I get to that point.
How does one separate their self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy that are so intimately tied to infertility? How does one not feel like a failure when their body fails to do something that women have been doing almost effortlessly for millions of years? I'm sure if I gained some ground somewhere, I'd feel better. I just need something really, really good to happen soon to pick me up. Anything.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)