My 1yr Blog-iversary

Wow.

I am 2 days late to my own 1 yr celebration (?) of my blog. What a slacker! I guess that's bound to happen when you live your life in 2hr blocks- the days all blur together!

If you had told me when I started this blog a year ago, that I'd be typing my 1st blog-iversary with my very own baby in my lap, I probably would have laughed in your face. Or maybe cried because that couldn't be true. I'm not sure which. And yet, that is exactly where I am. Crazy.

A lot more has changed in the past year than just my parental status. While not all good things, they all played a part in where and who I am today. Here are a few of the highlights:

- The Boy and I have grown closer than we were ever before. Stronger as a couple and more in love with one another. One of the few things I can be thankful for infertility.

- The miscarriage. Definitely a low point, but it opened my eyes to so much and was truly an experience that I came though the other side stronger, more compassionate and far more appreciative than I was.

- I learned to just let things happen. Take things day by day. Not plan and structure everything. While it didn't apply to my whole life, for the 1 or 2 aspects that it did cover, I was able to really enjoy the little things.

- Not sure if it''s been because of the hormones in the fertility meds and pregnancy, but my depression and anxiety are under the best control they've been for ages!

- I've become comfortable enough with our struggle to become parents that I talk with practically anyone about it, just with less details unless it's someone closer. I want people to know that we had to fight to get where we are, and maybe, it might help someone that is going through IF to know they aren't alone and it is something that can be talked about.

- I discovered a place with more support and understanding than I could have imagined. The ALI community may be full of such sad stories and hard choices, the women (and men) that make it up are incredibly strong, courageous, and caring.

Happy 1st birthday, Two's company. Three's a family! I'm beyond happy that I worked up the courage last January to write and publish those 1st posts. I hope you all have at least enjoyed some of my posts and thoughts and possibly found something to help make the journey a little bit easier, if only for a few moments.

Thanks for reading!

Insight or insecurity?

Even though I've been posting happy little tid bits in the Daily Delights, I still feel like I'm just spewing a lot of negativity out into the blogosphere these days. It's not intentional at all. I think it may just because there really isn't anything going on lately. With nothing to really comment on in my life, I turn to my thoughts, which tend to fall on the not-so-chipper side.

I say I'm a realist but in truth that is just a nice spin on being a pessimist. I've always looked for the bad in things, expected the worst, and never hedged my bets on the good outcome. This behavior has only been exacerbated by recent events. I have tried to not dwell on the bad and focus on the good and was doing well for a while. With the help of medication, of course.

I've been battling anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem, in one form or another, for as long as I can remember. All the way back in elementary school even. I was an awkward and very shy child, and tended to be picked on by others. Never physically, but the "I'm rubber. You're glue..." trick never worked for me. The words hurt. However, I was unable to avoid being the butt of a joke or some put-down by the more popular kids. From then on, I was a nerd, with great grades, wasn't into fashion or sports, and a late bloomer. Oh, and I had braces and acne. A prime target, really.

I had great friendships through those years and on into middle and high school. Unfortunately, they would move or we moved or someone changed schools. I've never been able to keep a true BFF. I know through counseling/therapy that this is why I guard myself, keep from getting close to other people and letting them in to my inner world. I've been burned too many times to get close to that warm, glowing flame of close friendship, and beaten down enough to think it's not something I deserve anyways.

I was making progress on all these front the last few years. I was making the efforts and seeing some results. I stepped out of my comfort zone, put myself out there and was pleasantly surprised a few times. I was slowly taking down my wall. It felt great! To talk with people, to share things. I felt lighter and happier than I have in years. Things improved even more when we ditched the prevention and started TTC.

Now, things seem to no longer be improving. I find myself retreating more and more. I find myself smiling less and less. While I'm not rebuilding the wall, I've invested in some other forms of armor. I'm not entirely sure why I'm doing this. Sharing the bad, along with the good, made things easier, less complicated. Why am I hiding and avoiding when I know it is not an emotionally healthy thing to do? Why am I withdrawing when I need the external support? Could it be that if I ignore the hard and difficult truths, they don't exist? Pretending that the monster in the closet is just my imagination and when I open my eyes again, thing will be better?

I just don't know.

What I do know is that I'm beginning to experience those feelings of depression and anxiety again, even on my meds. I don't like it, but don't know how to change it. I refuse to let things spiral back down to the point they were 2yrs ago. I don't want to hide in denial that a problem exists. But what else can I do? These feelings are surfacing because of things I can't control and can't seem to fix. Sure, I could up my med doses, but that is just masking the symptoms not curing the cause.

I know so many of you have had these same feelings as you struggle with infertility as well. It sucks and I hate it. I've feel like this after just 9m of TTC, 6m of IF. I feel weak to admit it, but I've been taking my Xan.ax far more frequently than I ever did in these past 2yrs. I just can not deal with situations involving pregnant women, new moms, etc unless my emotions have been blunted by medication or alcohol. It's sad and makes me feel worse to know that I don't have it in me to face these things on my own.

This has probably been the hardest 6m of my life. So incredibly trying. And difficult. And defeating. I don't know how some of you do this for 1yr, 2yrs, and even longer. Ya'll are far stronger than I. I don't think I could cope with these feelings for that long. I'm scared of getting a positive again and losing that as well. I'm scared of never getting another positive. It isn't the disappointment of negatives. Sure, I'm a bit down each cd1, but it is more due to thoughts of it never happening than that it didn't happen this month. I don't know how women can keep moving forward, month after month, cycle after cycle with the knowledge that it may never be something achievable for them. I know in the end "it will all be worth it". I just don't want to be an angry, bitter, and jaded women when I get to that point.

How does one separate their self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy that are so intimately tied to infertility? How does one not feel like a failure when their body fails to do something that women have been doing almost effortlessly for millions of years? I'm sure if I gained some ground somewhere, I'd feel better. I just need something really, really good to happen soon to pick me up. Anything.