Can I just run away and hide?

I am so overwhelmed by life these days. The only thing that makes any sense to me and I enjoy is spending time with Emma. Even when she's super cranky, over-tired, and doesn't want to be put down or changed.

I am sick of 1/2 the people at work and all the drama that goes with them.

I'm exhausted and sleep deprived.

My house is a complete disaster.

Our bank account is a hot mess.

I just can't seem to keep anything together these days. They only thing I feel like I'm doing right is Emma.

I can't keep track of my days or hours and before I know it, a week or month has gone by. And I've forgotten to do something or pay a bill. I will sometimes even wonder if delayed post-postpartum depression is possible and maybe I need a med re-evaluation. *Sigh*

My evenings and weekends are a reprieve from the rest of life. Even if I am practically chained to the couch with a baby hanging off my chest the whole night. But I'm there with her. Doing my best to play and talk with her, trying to make her feel better from her mean, mean un-budging teeth. Some times she cries unless I nurse her. Some times she just wants to play. And some times, she just wants to me hold her while she sleeps.

Weekday mornings suck. Weekdays in general suck. I pretty much live my days waiting for that afternoon "break" to see her, and then, pass the time at work until I can go home. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. Meh. I'm working for the weekends.

And I live for Sunday mornings. Just Emma and I in bed. We sleep in. We spend over half and hour just playing in bed. Laughing. Giggling. Rolling around. Cuddling. I wish that is how all day and everyday could be. It's one of the few time I feel truly happy and content these days. For that 30min or so, everything feels right. I feel like I have to be doing something correct to have a happy child that smiles for me and wants to be with me.

And in the end, I guess that's more important than what my co-workers think or what my credit score is...

So I think I'm just going to run away and hide in bed with my Emma-nem.

Crazy Eights

Ok. I promise at some point I'll make more than just these monthly(ish) posts on Em. I honestly don't know where the hours and days (and weeks and months!) go these days. I always seem to think up things to say when I have no way to put them to paper or type. One day though...

Speaking of time flying by, Em is a freaking 8m old now! When did this happen? I mean other than "on Sept 8th".

New things going on:
- Commando-style crawling, that I think resembles a seal on land. Boy, is she quick though!
- As of Thursday, lowering herself to sitting from standing, intentionally and controlled. It sound simple and mundane, but is a pretty big deal in babyland.
- Sitting to hands & knees and attempts to stand from there. It really just ends up looking like downward-facing dog.
- Fishy/kissy faces and playing with her tongue. She makes noises that sound like a pig grunting.
- Pinching. This one is not so fun while feeding or holding her...
- Moving or "cruising" from couch to ottoman to what ever else is within reach around the room.
- Waving bye-bye or signing "milk." I'm not entirely sure which...
- Separation Anxiety. Mommy is the end-all-be-all and, at times,heaven-forbid if I set her down to do things or leave the room/turn the corner. Thank you, babywearing!
- Out of the infant car seat/carrier; hello big girl convertible car seat!
- She's officially been moved over to the mobile/ "big kid" side of the infant's room at daycare.
- Continued teething, but no teeth yet. They look like they are coming (hopefully) soon!

Chasing after Mommy. Can't believe she'd just set me down here!

Mommy is my favorite gym!

Em also had her 1st sick baby visit to the ped. She started having this spotty, pimply rash on her legs, chest, and back. There had been a couple of cases of Hand, foot & mouth (coxsackie virus) at the center, so I took her into check. Not anything to worry about as it was just a reaction to a common little virus that will need to run it's course. She didn't have any fever or diarrhea, just eye gook.

Em shared her 8m birthday with her new cousin. The previously and now PG again SIL had her boy that afternoon. 7lbs, 20in at 37.5w = a big boy; . It's odd to think that Em was smaller than that not too too long ago...

Still not much going on with me these days. I've been dealing with De Quervain tensynovitis or "mommy thumb"  in my right and dominant hand and having to wear a stabilizer brace off and on for the last several weeks. I'd also like to thank babywearing again as it let's me carry her without strain on my wrist or awkwardness in using my left side.

Just another sign that my body sucks at hormones.

An additional, more obvious sign is the unwelcomed return of acne. I was super lucky that pregnancy actually improved my complexion. It was soft, supple, and practically pimple free! Now, it's back to being (and possibly worse than before) dry, oily, and just break-outs galore. I've tried mild soaps, acne washes, toner, just water, moisturizers, oils - I'm not sure what else to do. I've been trying to drink extra fluids as I've heard hydration is the best thing for your skin, but no such luck here.

I know it's a common complaint among IFs, but it still pisses me off. I know it's possible for me to have fantastic skin as I was blessed with it for ~9m. I mean, I already miss being pregnant. This is just one more thing that make me miss it even more. Mind you, I'm not looking to start on #2 yet or for a while. I just want to have the pregnancy experience without the labor and all at the end. Oh and I could do without the nausea of it as well. I feel kinda weird admitting that as it seems sacrilegious to say after IF and to those going through it. "I want everything about being pregnant, except the baby at the end." I absolutely loved being pregnant, but as for another baby, I really just want to focus on Em and enjoy her for another year or so before adding to our family.

Heads up! Seven up!

Wow. Sorry it's been a month since my last update. Other than Em, not much else is going on in my life. Work is the same. There isn't much else to talk about other than this little girl at the moment.

Em is doing great with solids. She loves eating and will eat just about anything we give her. Bananas, frozen canned pumpkin, sweet potatoes, applesauce, pear and peach slices, yoghurt melts, baby puffs, pretzel sticks, zucchini, squash, chicken breast... the list goes on and on. The only pureed food she gets is at daycare, but that's only because they provide it at no additional cost. She can easily pack away a whole jar of food or 1/2 a fruit/veggie in one sitting.

Other things my eating machine does these days:
Sit on her own
360 turn while sitting
Bend all the way over and get back up to sitting
Pull herself to something
Roll and roll and roll
Blow really loud, wet raspberries
Pull herself to stand (but can't always get her feet under her the right way)

and most recently, hands and knees action. No formal crawling yet, but I fear it is soon. She just has to realize she can move her knees to go forward, and she'll be gone!

In order to try and spend more time with her during this ever changing stage/age, I've started going to the daycare on my 2nd pump break and feeding her there. Since they filled the room we were using as a lactation room on my floor to the 1st floor on the building across the street, it actually takes the same amount of time for me to go there, pump for 20ish minutes and get back as it does for me to go to the center, nurse, and drive back. It's unreal, but I love the extra 20min with my little girl.

Speaking of nursing, on Aug 4th, we partook in a nursing photoshoot. Here is the teaser link on the photog's blog/site. It was a special session at a special rate to celebrate World breastfeeding week. I am so glad we did it. It might seem so weird to many to have *that* photographed, but I'm comfortable with nursing in public (NIP, coincidentally) and I love the idea of preserving the memory of this special time and that intimate bond that just the 2 of us have. I don't know how long our breastfeeding relationship will last, so I'm super glad to have that essence captured forever. And like I told the Boy, they aren't pictures that I plan on hanging over the mantle or dead center in the living room. They are selfishly for me!

Hopefully, I'll get back here before another month has passed for the next post!

Halfway There, Baby!

Wow. Just Wow. How did this happen? I have a 6m old?! It just seems like the other day that we decided to start trying, then started treatments. Now, we are coasting to that big ONE year!

Happy 1/2 Birthday!

So, where are we at with everything here at 0.5yrs old?

• Rolling from back to belly, belly to back, and several rolls strung together
• Can do belly spins and go a full 360 deg to get a toy or see something
• Sitting up unassisted for long spurts of time without toppling!
• "Dadadada", "Babababa", and singing/shrieking at various volumes
• Popping/sucking her bottom lip
• Blowing spit bubbles and raspberries.
• Started solids - semi-Baby Led Solids as she gets some purees at daycare, my mom's and applesauce or pumpkin at home. Hasn't meet a food yet that she doesn't like
• Reaching out to people to be picked up or held
• Leaning back or to the side in our arms

I would love to add crawling, but she hasn't quite put the arms and legs together. It is one or the other, or a face-plant.


She is still a ridiculously happy baby, quick with the smiles and babblings. She is a very vocal baby. She's laughing at a few more things, mostly when I'm changing her diaper on the changing table. Em and Maz are BFFs, but she like pretty much any furry critter that comes up to her.

Em is the belle of the daycare and has a fan club of several of the caretakers, many not even assigned to her age group. Even though they have the extra work of the cloth diapers and glass bottles, we haven't had a complaint!

She is definitely the cutest and sweetest little girl. And I do mean little. At her 6m well visit, she topped the scales at 13lbs 5oz, 25.75 inches long. She's consistently been in the 10% for weight. The pediatrician isn't concerned as she's easily meeting all her milestones, is still gaining, and is overall super healthy. Plus, this girl loves, loves, loves to eat. She has no problem nursing, eating a jar of food or 1/2 banana 30 minutes later, and topping off with another nursing. She's seems to have a high metabolism as she is constantly on the go, unless sleeping.

Speaking of sleeping, she's not so perfect in that department. She takes about 2 naps at daycare, of variable lengths. Sometimes it's just a 20 minute power nap while others, it is a 3hr snooze-fest! She'll nap once in the evening, maybe. At night, she was only semi-waking twice to eat. Now, thanks to sleep regression, a 3x waking night is doing great. *Yawn*

We hit the beach the 1st weekend of July. Em loves the sand, seemed confused by the waves coming and then going, but had a good time. She definitely prefers the pool and bathtime to fulfill her aquatic desires.

Baby swimsuit model?

All in all. life is going well here. And at neck-breaking speeds. It is so cliche, but unfortunately true. They grow so fast. I'm trying my darnest to enjoy every moment of her!

Life is a treadmill

Right now, that's how things feel. I keep moving, but not really going anywhere. Same old, same old.

Nothing too exciting going on here. Just Emma growing and getting bigger.

The only other thing going on is I'm thinking of changing jobs. I love what I do currently and think my boss is great. What I don't like is the hours and several of my co-workers. Before Em, a 9-11hr day was no big deal. Now, that would mean an extra pumping session and possibly not seeing her awake that evening. I'm feeling a lot like Alex in terms of who gets the most quality and interactive time with my daughter. I really want a 9-5 type job now. I don't want to have to think about or do work things while home with her or on the weekends.

As for the co-workers, I'm just tired of people doing things incorrectly, teaching others how to do them wrong, and having to clean up after their ignorance and arrogance. I'm not the only one feeling this about these same 2-3 people. It's been raised to boss man and the other PI, but with the amount of work the lab has to do right now, we can't afford to lose the bodies. Also, the project I've been heading is wrapping up so I'm kinda doing odds and ends and random other projects. The funding for my position is up when that project officially ends, but my boss has some "back-up" money to keep me on for a good while longer until another project starts. I'm pretty torn what to do in this situation, though. Love my job and boss, but want what my current position can't provide.

Sigh...

But next week- I'll be posting the munchkin's 1/2 birthday pics. Crazy that it's been 6m since she was born, and even crazier that it's been 15m since we learned I was pregnant.

Do Clocks have Wings?

Because time just keeps flying by me! I can't believe it's been so long since my last post! I don't have any real excuse other than life has just been super busy and I've been trying to spend as much time with Em in the evenings after work as I can!

Here's what we've been up to lately:

I turned 29 back at the end of May. Strangely, I'm actually looking forward to the big 3-0. We were visiting the Boy's folks for the weekend. They were blown away by how happy and active Em is!  Unfortunately, I caught pink eye because of his grandmother. It was just and only me, thank goodness!

We went to re-PG SIL's parent's for Em's cousin's 1st bday "mermaid" party. Em was the only kid under 2 that didn't hate being in the pool. In fact, she loved it! It must have seemed just like a big tub for her.

Em turned 5m on Friday. She is quite the character and becoming more and more her own little person! She's getting too long in the torso for most of her 3-6m onesies. She's rolling around and spinning circles. She even pushes up on her arms and will push off of one of her legs, just not at the same time. Yet. She loves her feet and hands. My hands. Boy's hands. Oh and eating our faces! She's blowing spit bubbles and making "ba" sounds.

Cheeky Monkey!

We are sorta starting Baby led solids. Em has really taken an interest in our food and insists on "eating" when we have food. She's tried bananas (love), apples, carrots, rice, grapes (skinless, love), teriyaki noodles, green beans, and mash potatoes + gravy (love). No teeth yet, but she can work those gums!

It's getting harder almost each morning to leave her at daycare and head to work. Sometimes, I even contemplate finding a different job that is strictly 40hrs or allows me to work from home some. Sigh... I love how my priorities have shifted

4 months

Wow, just realized I never did a 4m update on Em, 10d ago. Oops?

So, yeah, 4 months... It's been pretty surreal. While I was pregnant (as well as before) and during my maternity leave, I knew that I just didn't have what it takes to be a SAHM. I am not "Mom Enough" for all that it requires day in and day out. But that doesn't mean that I don't spend almost all my day at work thinking about coming home to this:

 

If we could swing it financially, I'd only work part-time in a heartbeat! Or if we were rolling in the dough, I'd not work and spend my days doing mommy&me yoga, play groups, and the whole housewife glamor lifestyle.Sigh... Bills and debt bite the big one.

But back to her update! Little Miss's stats at 4m were 11lbs 11oz, 24.75in long, and ~39cm head circumference. Those fall in the 10%, 70%, and 5%. In other words, I have a long and lean, boob-sucking machine! The pediatrician we saw this time called her "small" even those she was about the same percentiles at her 2m where that Dr said she was just fine. I'm in no particular rush to jump to solids to get her to "gain more weight" at the moment as she is consistent in her percentiles and her growth curves are smooth and increasing. Besides, cereals are just baby gruel and don't provide that much in the way of nutrients other than calories for the most part.

In other growth and developmental news, she is also a rolling machine! She flips from back to belly *like a boss* these days and had been great with belly to back for over a month now (she really hated tummy time back then). She puts weight on her feet and legs when stood up and tries her hardest to pull herself to sitting if reclined. She is quick with the smiles still and giggles are starting to be just as frequent. Her hands, toys, and yes, even her feet are always on their way to or from her mouth. Em-n-m has not only found her voice but exercises it in various pitches and volumes. She is a huge fan of her fur-siblings, but only the pups reciprocate the love.

More than anything else, she continues to win my heart each and every day. I couldn't hide it if I tried - I love this kiddo to pieces!