Miscarriage.
The worst word a woman can hear if they are pregnant. I can't really express my emotions at this point because, well, there are so many of them and I'm still in a bit of disbelief and shock. All I know is it feels like being punched in the gut and having your heart ripped from your chest. All I know right now is I've never been this relieved to have to sit in a dark room for hours. I'm not sure how, but at some point today, I will have to leave the dark, comforting solitude of the microscope room and actually interact with people without falling to pieces. I can't imagine how much harder this would have been if I didn't secretly prepare myself for this before?
Edit: I'm an emotional wreck. I though the Xanax and wine would at least help in numbing the anguish, but alas, no luck there. I'm just thrilled to know that my RE is glad that this is a step in the right direction and shows that at least we are able to conceive. That completely helps ease the heartache of knowing that the life that was growing inside me for 6 short days will soon be expelled from my body like a bad memory. I know eventually I'll heal and be ready to move on, but right now I'm mourning. Mourning the loss of a life that will never be, but meant the world to me.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
The worry has fully set in.
I'm just about to head in for the night. It's not even 10pm here, and I'm exhausted even though I woke up at 8:30a and had a 2.5hr nap at 2pm. I have my 2nd beta blood draw tomorrow and I'm very worried and anxious about those numbers!
You see, I fell into the POAS trap. Pee on a Stick. I took my last FRER test this morning. Waited and waited, but only the control line came up. I hold my pee for the next 3hrs, with great effort, I might add, and take my last preg test in the house, that ClearBlue digital. And I wait and wait and wait. It said NOT pregnant. At this point, I'm freaking out and thinking that I've had a chemical pregnancy and will miscarry at any moment. I'm almost hysterical and sending emails and posting comments and going through tissues. Thing is that all my symptoms are still here, still very, very present. I've had ZERO bleeding or spotting, and hardly any CM since last Wednesday.
Thankfully, I talked to the Boy and he tells me to just try not worry, I'm probably blowing things out of proportions and there are so many other explanations for the tests' lack of acknowledgment of my pregnancy this morning. I'm going to try and be as positive and hopeful as I can through out tomorrow, but it will probably be one of the longest days of my life, waiting from 8am until that fateful call in the afternoon. Somehow, I have to be focused at work during this. Somehow, I have to not be so anxious and spastic tomorrow while waiting. Somehow, I will have to find a way to contain either my utter distress and heartbreak or my absolute joy and excitement as I'm trying not to tell people yet.
Please say a few prayers or send good, positive vibes my way that my hCG has at least reached 100. If it is higher than that and everything looks good, I'll be sending out the biggest, bestest internet hugs you've ever pretended you had!
You see, I fell into the POAS trap. Pee on a Stick. I took my last FRER test this morning. Waited and waited, but only the control line came up. I hold my pee for the next 3hrs, with great effort, I might add, and take my last preg test in the house, that ClearBlue digital. And I wait and wait and wait. It said NOT pregnant. At this point, I'm freaking out and thinking that I've had a chemical pregnancy and will miscarry at any moment. I'm almost hysterical and sending emails and posting comments and going through tissues. Thing is that all my symptoms are still here, still very, very present. I've had ZERO bleeding or spotting, and hardly any CM since last Wednesday.
Thankfully, I talked to the Boy and he tells me to just try not worry, I'm probably blowing things out of proportions and there are so many other explanations for the tests' lack of acknowledgment of my pregnancy this morning. I'm going to try and be as positive and hopeful as I can through out tomorrow, but it will probably be one of the longest days of my life, waiting from 8am until that fateful call in the afternoon. Somehow, I have to be focused at work during this. Somehow, I have to not be so anxious and spastic tomorrow while waiting. Somehow, I will have to find a way to contain either my utter distress and heartbreak or my absolute joy and excitement as I'm trying not to tell people yet.
Please say a few prayers or send good, positive vibes my way that my hCG has at least reached 100. If it is higher than that and everything looks good, I'll be sending out the biggest, bestest internet hugs you've ever pretended you had!
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Guess this is a Pregnancy blog now?
When I started this blog, I would have sworn I'd be writing for months and months and months about our struggles and disappointment in trying to get pregnant. It never once crossed my mind that in a few short weeks, I'd be posting about my + tests, nor symptoms or any of that. I had thought this would be an Infertility blog for a long, long time. Yet, here I am, 4w3d pregnant (really only 16d post-conception).
One could say that my battle with infertility are over, and could very well be right. However, I'm not sure I will ever feel carefree about my pregnancy. I am so very aware that any day now we could be thrust back into the world of BBT, CM, supplements, medications and tests. The Boy is still taking his Male fertility and motility vitamins, and I still have my prescription bottles around. I don't want to take the chance that (knock on wood) something happens to this little embryo I'm housing and we are left up the creek and without our paddles.
I'm trying my hardest not to worry about every twinge and if this or that is a good sign or a bad sign or completely unrelated. That is probably difficult for any woman who just realized that they are going to be a mom for the 1st time. I, unfortunately, know too many women that reached this point, went over the moon, and then came crashing down to Earth as they miscarried. Maybe I'm over-analyzing everything and worrying too much, just like I always do. However, I'd rather do so, preparing myself for the worst, and be surprised when the best happens.
I'm content at the moment to just hang out here in the middle stratosphere on Cloud Nine. I'm staying aware of all that my body does and frantically googling anything that seems to be abnormal according the books, sites, and everything else I've read. I'm going to keep peeing on preg tests to see that line or the word "pregnant" pop up (shhhh... I took a digital last night), probably even after I get my levels back from the blood work on Monday. Until there is a heartbeat, movement, something that can clue me in that every thing is A-OK in Fetus Land, I'm going to keep worrying. Because until this small, poppyseed-sized baby inside me is born, I'm still fighting to be fertile.
One could say that my battle with infertility are over, and could very well be right. However, I'm not sure I will ever feel carefree about my pregnancy. I am so very aware that any day now we could be thrust back into the world of BBT, CM, supplements, medications and tests. The Boy is still taking his Male fertility and motility vitamins, and I still have my prescription bottles around. I don't want to take the chance that (knock on wood) something happens to this little embryo I'm housing and we are left up the creek and without our paddles.
I'm trying my hardest not to worry about every twinge and if this or that is a good sign or a bad sign or completely unrelated. That is probably difficult for any woman who just realized that they are going to be a mom for the 1st time. I, unfortunately, know too many women that reached this point, went over the moon, and then came crashing down to Earth as they miscarried. Maybe I'm over-analyzing everything and worrying too much, just like I always do. However, I'd rather do so, preparing myself for the worst, and be surprised when the best happens.
I'm content at the moment to just hang out here in the middle stratosphere on Cloud Nine. I'm staying aware of all that my body does and frantically googling anything that seems to be abnormal according the books, sites, and everything else I've read. I'm going to keep peeing on preg tests to see that line or the word "pregnant" pop up (shhhh... I took a digital last night), probably even after I get my levels back from the blood work on Monday. Until there is a heartbeat, movement, something that can clue me in that every thing is A-OK in Fetus Land, I'm going to keep worrying. Because until this small, poppyseed-sized baby inside me is born, I'm still fighting to be fertile.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Is a line a line, truly a line?
Warning: This post may contain incoherent ramblings.
I slept like crud last night. Between the anxiety and the physical discomfort I was feeling, I was awake about as much as I was asleep. My joints are achy and my boobs were very uncomfortable when laying on my sides. Laying on my back or stomach was out of the question as that made the queasy/nauseous feeling worse. Come 6:30am, I couldn't stay asleep.
I had been debating testing since Tuesday. Was that bleeding on Monday possibly implantation? Were these "symptoms" I was having real or just all in my head and I was just hoping they were real? Yesterday, the queasy feeling at the back of my throat was still there as was the dizziness/headache. I had a bit more bleeding, and could swear I was minutes away from starting thanks to the bubbly, crampy feeling in my belly. It too was just an isolated incident and I haven't seen anymore since. Last night, I started having a heavy feeling in my upper chest, just above my bra. The girls were not comfortable. I hymned and hawed about testing or just waiting until my blood draw on Friday morning. I want to know so badly if I'm pregnant or just plain nuts.
So 6:30am, and I'm up today. Just out of curiosity, I temp. 98.7. Way above my coverline of 97.9. I go and use the bathroom. I collect a bit of pee in my Testing cup (c). You know, just in case. And then I pace. Should I? Should I test? Should I wait? Should I stop talking to myself? And then I just go for it. I take 1 of my 3 First Response Early Response (FRER in TTC lingo) tests and I dunk it for the required 5 seconds. I cap it, set it down, and resume pacing. My mind is racing. The tension in our small bath is nail-biting, and I was too.
At the 3min mark (in my head), I pick the test up. I squint. I panic. I squint and tilt the test some more. My heart is about to pound out of my chest. And this is why:
There is a hint of a line. A faint pink 2nd line. I've never ever seen one of these of my own. Usually, they are pure white, as white as snow. Nothing has ever shown up in that testing zone, no shadow, no evaporation line, nothing. My hands are trembling as I hold the test in disbelief. I start to choke up. Dumbfounded, I turn and walk back to the bed. I sit down beside the husband I adore more than anything else. I nudge him a wake. Then, I hand him the test, the stick with my pee on it, as if it was normal, hands still shaking. "Turn on your light." "What? Ok. What's this?" "I took a test." "There's a dark line and a faint line. What does that mean?"
I just grin like a psychotic lunatic. And I start crying and I'm covering my mouth for some crazy reason. All I can think is Oh. My. God. ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm pregnant. I... I am pregnant. And I'm sitting there, spazzing out on my husband. Hugging him. Kissing him. Trembling and tearing up. A complete freaking basket case. For almost 10min.
I've called an rescheduled my blood draw for today. At 10am, to be exact. By this afternoon, I'll know for sure whether or not I'm pregnant, what my hCG levels are, as well as my progesterone levels to see if the supps are helping and what the plan will be for the next several weeks. Looks like we went to Vegas, rolled the dice, and hit the jackpot. Our "minimal chance" may just have happened...
UPDATE: I was impatiently being forced to wait for the call about my results between 1-4pm, that was 2-5 hrs after getting home I had to watch the clock and check my phone and try not to totally lose it! So I attempted to nap at noon and eventually conked out, my phone tightly nestled against my chest. Wake up at 2:15p. While it did help the time magically go by, still no call and I had almost 2 more hrs I could be waiting, clutching my phone like it was the last piece of bread on Earth.
3:23pm. My phone rings. It's them! It's the RE's office! I scramble to answer the phone, hurriedly saying hello, only to hear someone being cut off as my phone drops the call! Utter dispair! I spend the next minute praying and whispering "Please call back, please, please call back." 3:25pm. My phone rings again. It's them! I start blathering on about how my phone dropped the call and such. Then the nurse gets down to business. "Well, I just wanted to let you know that your levels came back. They are positive for pregnancy at 24mIU/ml. Your progesterone is at 16mIU/ml." Thankfully, I wrote those down like an absent-minded robot, because I got stuck on the positive for pregnancy part.
While those numbers may seem kinda low to most people, I'm thrilled. I actually have some hCG in my system and my progesterone is greater than 10! I have to keep taking the supplements but I don't care if that's all it takes. I realize I haven't peed at all today since that 1st test this morning. So 6hrs later, I use my Testing cup (c) and a 2nd FRER. The 2nd line is still faint, but a bit darker than before. Hot Diggity! I'm Pregnant. The month I gave up and didn't even think it was a possibility, the month I was totally unprepared for a positive was the month I got it. Go figure!
While I'm beyond excited and happy, I know not to take it for granted. There is so much that can happen between now and that 1st ultrasound, now and the 2nd trimester, and between now and my Due date (which is Oct 6th, by the way). I'm giving myself this day to act like a doofus and be a giggly, giddy little girl. Just today because tomorrow the worry sets in and I don't see it leaving anytime in the next 18yrs or so.
I slept like crud last night. Between the anxiety and the physical discomfort I was feeling, I was awake about as much as I was asleep. My joints are achy and my boobs were very uncomfortable when laying on my sides. Laying on my back or stomach was out of the question as that made the queasy/nauseous feeling worse. Come 6:30am, I couldn't stay asleep.
I had been debating testing since Tuesday. Was that bleeding on Monday possibly implantation? Were these "symptoms" I was having real or just all in my head and I was just hoping they were real? Yesterday, the queasy feeling at the back of my throat was still there as was the dizziness/headache. I had a bit more bleeding, and could swear I was minutes away from starting thanks to the bubbly, crampy feeling in my belly. It too was just an isolated incident and I haven't seen anymore since. Last night, I started having a heavy feeling in my upper chest, just above my bra. The girls were not comfortable. I hymned and hawed about testing or just waiting until my blood draw on Friday morning. I want to know so badly if I'm pregnant or just plain nuts.
So 6:30am, and I'm up today. Just out of curiosity, I temp. 98.7. Way above my coverline of 97.9. I go and use the bathroom. I collect a bit of pee in my Testing cup (c). You know, just in case. And then I pace. Should I? Should I test? Should I wait? Should I stop talking to myself? And then I just go for it. I take 1 of my 3 First Response Early Response (FRER in TTC lingo) tests and I dunk it for the required 5 seconds. I cap it, set it down, and resume pacing. My mind is racing. The tension in our small bath is nail-biting, and I was too.
At the 3min mark (in my head), I pick the test up. I squint. I panic. I squint and tilt the test some more. My heart is about to pound out of my chest. And this is why:
There is a hint of a line. A faint pink 2nd line. I've never ever seen one of these of my own. Usually, they are pure white, as white as snow. Nothing has ever shown up in that testing zone, no shadow, no evaporation line, nothing. My hands are trembling as I hold the test in disbelief. I start to choke up. Dumbfounded, I turn and walk back to the bed. I sit down beside the husband I adore more than anything else. I nudge him a wake. Then, I hand him the test, the stick with my pee on it, as if it was normal, hands still shaking. "Turn on your light." "What? Ok. What's this?" "I took a test." "There's a dark line and a faint line. What does that mean?"
I just grin like a psychotic lunatic. And I start crying and I'm covering my mouth for some crazy reason. All I can think is Oh. My. God. ohmygodohmygodohmygod! I'm pregnant. I... I am pregnant. And I'm sitting there, spazzing out on my husband. Hugging him. Kissing him. Trembling and tearing up. A complete freaking basket case. For almost 10min.
I've called an rescheduled my blood draw for today. At 10am, to be exact. By this afternoon, I'll know for sure whether or not I'm pregnant, what my hCG levels are, as well as my progesterone levels to see if the supps are helping and what the plan will be for the next several weeks. Looks like we went to Vegas, rolled the dice, and hit the jackpot. Our "minimal chance" may just have happened...
UPDATE: I was impatiently being forced to wait for the call about my results between 1-4pm, that was 2-5 hrs after getting home I had to watch the clock and check my phone and try not to totally lose it! So I attempted to nap at noon and eventually conked out, my phone tightly nestled against my chest. Wake up at 2:15p. While it did help the time magically go by, still no call and I had almost 2 more hrs I could be waiting, clutching my phone like it was the last piece of bread on Earth.
3:23pm. My phone rings. It's them! It's the RE's office! I scramble to answer the phone, hurriedly saying hello, only to hear someone being cut off as my phone drops the call! Utter dispair! I spend the next minute praying and whispering "Please call back, please, please call back." 3:25pm. My phone rings again. It's them! I start blathering on about how my phone dropped the call and such. Then the nurse gets down to business. "Well, I just wanted to let you know that your levels came back. They are positive for pregnancy at 24mIU/ml. Your progesterone is at 16mIU/ml." Thankfully, I wrote those down like an absent-minded robot, because I got stuck on the positive for pregnancy part.
While those numbers may seem kinda low to most people, I'm thrilled. I actually have some hCG in my system and my progesterone is greater than 10! I have to keep taking the supplements but I don't care if that's all it takes. I realize I haven't peed at all today since that 1st test this morning. So 6hrs later, I use my Testing cup (c) and a 2nd FRER. The 2nd line is still faint, but a bit darker than before. Hot Diggity! I'm Pregnant. The month I gave up and didn't even think it was a possibility, the month I was totally unprepared for a positive was the month I got it. Go figure!
While I'm beyond excited and happy, I know not to take it for granted. There is so much that can happen between now and that 1st ultrasound, now and the 2nd trimester, and between now and my Due date (which is Oct 6th, by the way). I'm giving myself this day to act like a doofus and be a giggly, giddy little girl. Just today because tomorrow the worry sets in and I don't see it leaving anytime in the next 18yrs or so.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
No one tells you that you'll lose your mind when TTC
So I think I'm officially crazy. Well, at least my body is. Late Monday morning I started bleeding, I assumed this was my period so I acted as such. When I changed it in the afternoon, I was surprised at how little blood was on it, but used another one. Nothing on it that night; nothing on the next one come morning. WTH, body?
On top of that, yesterday I started having the waves of a headache w/ a bit of dizziness and would feel quite flushed. This is the part were I think I might have gone off the deep end as well. I noticed that I would feel hungry, but eating didn't help. Drinking water didn't help. And the kicker was the catch at the back of my throat, the pressure and sensation that I have when I know that I'm about to revisit a meal. But the reunion of lunch never happened. My mind starts racing! Would it, could it even be possible that the gush on Monday was just implantation bleeding?! Could I actually, possibly, even remotely finally be pregnant?!?
I hym and haw between just waiting it out and calling the RE. I call and leave a message on the nurses line that I know probably sounds like I'm a nut job. "Um hi. I'm 12d post Ov. I had bleeding yesterday that I thought was my period, but none since. What is the earliest that I may have some hCG in my system after implantation that would show up on a blood test or a home test? Thanks, bye." The whole time my voice was trembling. Hearing that message, you'd never know that I've researched the living daylights out of fertility and pregnancy and already new all about the hormones of it all! I was just as dumb sounding when the nurse called back. Stuttering over my words, couldn't even remember the date that I ovulated or able to do the math well to figure it out. The 25th is 12dpo, so.... 25 - 12, no that isn't 16; that was the cycle day I O'd. Doh. The 13th!
In the end, I have an appt on Friday morning to have my 1st beta done. The 1st test in about 6mo now that I think might actually come up positive. I feel like a nervous wreck. My anxiety is bouncing off the walls. What if I am not? What if I AM? I won't even bother to take a home pee test until at least Thursday at the absolute earliest. It seems my test anxiety that I had in elementary and middle school has resurfaced. Except this time, it's not so much about my performance as it is the results. I think that is the real reason that I won't pee on that stick just yet. I'm just a ball of excitement, of anxiety, or dread and hope, joy and fear. I have no idea how I'm going to even remote appear sane let alone keep any scrap of my sanity until Friday when I hear the results.
I'm not overly religious. I'm not sure what I believe. But right now, what ever higher power there may be, please, please, please, 1000 times please. Let this test, this life changing test, let it come out with a +.
On top of that, yesterday I started having the waves of a headache w/ a bit of dizziness and would feel quite flushed. This is the part were I think I might have gone off the deep end as well. I noticed that I would feel hungry, but eating didn't help. Drinking water didn't help. And the kicker was the catch at the back of my throat, the pressure and sensation that I have when I know that I'm about to revisit a meal. But the reunion of lunch never happened. My mind starts racing! Would it, could it even be possible that the gush on Monday was just implantation bleeding?! Could I actually, possibly, even remotely finally be pregnant?!?
I hym and haw between just waiting it out and calling the RE. I call and leave a message on the nurses line that I know probably sounds like I'm a nut job. "Um hi. I'm 12d post Ov. I had bleeding yesterday that I thought was my period, but none since. What is the earliest that I may have some hCG in my system after implantation that would show up on a blood test or a home test? Thanks, bye." The whole time my voice was trembling. Hearing that message, you'd never know that I've researched the living daylights out of fertility and pregnancy and already new all about the hormones of it all! I was just as dumb sounding when the nurse called back. Stuttering over my words, couldn't even remember the date that I ovulated or able to do the math well to figure it out. The 25th is 12dpo, so.... 25 - 12, no that isn't 16; that was the cycle day I O'd. Doh. The 13th!
In the end, I have an appt on Friday morning to have my 1st beta done. The 1st test in about 6mo now that I think might actually come up positive. I feel like a nervous wreck. My anxiety is bouncing off the walls. What if I am not? What if I AM? I won't even bother to take a home pee test until at least Thursday at the absolute earliest. It seems my test anxiety that I had in elementary and middle school has resurfaced. Except this time, it's not so much about my performance as it is the results. I think that is the real reason that I won't pee on that stick just yet. I'm just a ball of excitement, of anxiety, or dread and hope, joy and fear. I have no idea how I'm going to even remote appear sane let alone keep any scrap of my sanity until Friday when I hear the results.
I'm not overly religious. I'm not sure what I believe. But right now, what ever higher power there may be, please, please, please, 1000 times please. Let this test, this life changing test, let it come out with a +.
Monday, January 24, 2011
How Low can I go?
Haha! See what I did there?! Yup, kept with the limbo theme. Plus, my period does bring me to a bit of a low. Nice play on words, huh?
CD1 again. I was pretty much sure that it was coming, just wasn't sure when. I discovered a new pre-menstrual symptom though. Sore, achy joints. Yesterday, my hips, knees, shoulders and elbows were uncomfortable and just bothersome. Then there was the softening and slight raising of the cervix, and the fact that it went wide open today. The 1st couple of days of "Aunt Flo's" visit are always suck-tastic, physically and emotionally uncomfortable.
But I can drink! Drink my delicious adult beverages without the slightest bit of guilt that I may be damaging a developing pregnancy. The glasses of wine and cocktails that I "celebrate" the start of each new cycle boosts my spirit 2 fold. 1 - I love that I can drink and enjoy it without that previously mentioned guilt; savor the yummy flavors and smells. 2 - The buzz and all that comes with drinking makes be both happy and dulls my discomforts and aches. Plus, I don't have to deal with the pretty yucky progesterone supps for at least another 3 weeks!
Of course, there are far more negative things to focus on at this point in my cycle. Lack of baby. Another month of trying. The bleeding. Dealing with pads and tampons for the next 3-6d. The crazy crap my body goes through with the crash of hormones. I could just keep going on and on about the suck factor of a period. However, if I did that all the time, each time I'm back at square one/day one, how the heck could I even bear continuing trying? My soul would be long crushed by now under the oppressing negativity and despair that would generate.
I know this road is going to be a long one now, much longer than I anticipated or even dreamed it would be. Luckily, I've been able to to make stops along the way and pick up things that keep me going and moving forward. Words of wisdom and advice. The occasional drink and comfort/junk food, I'm not going to lie. But really there are just a couple of things that have really made this trip so much more bearable. The support and understanding of friends - mostly of the cyber variety, but true encouraging and caring friends none the less. Friends and the knowledge that I've made it this far. If I turn back now, that's just a lot more unnecessary walking, especially if that magical cycle we make our baby is just around the bend.
So CD1, and I'm prepping my travel pack for this cycle. Loaded it with those friends, another pair of shoes, feminine products, alcohol, my ovulation stimulation meds, prenatals, and all that other crap. Tied it all up in a cute little bundle, stuck it on the end of that limbo pole, and plan to toss it over my shoulder as I make my way on into February. And this time, I haven't even cried once yet!
CD1 again. I was pretty much sure that it was coming, just wasn't sure when. I discovered a new pre-menstrual symptom though. Sore, achy joints. Yesterday, my hips, knees, shoulders and elbows were uncomfortable and just bothersome. Then there was the softening and slight raising of the cervix, and the fact that it went wide open today. The 1st couple of days of "Aunt Flo's" visit are always suck-tastic, physically and emotionally uncomfortable.
But I can drink! Drink my delicious adult beverages without the slightest bit of guilt that I may be damaging a developing pregnancy. The glasses of wine and cocktails that I "celebrate" the start of each new cycle boosts my spirit 2 fold. 1 - I love that I can drink and enjoy it without that previously mentioned guilt; savor the yummy flavors and smells. 2 - The buzz and all that comes with drinking makes be both happy and dulls my discomforts and aches. Plus, I don't have to deal with the pretty yucky progesterone supps for at least another 3 weeks!
Of course, there are far more negative things to focus on at this point in my cycle. Lack of baby. Another month of trying. The bleeding. Dealing with pads and tampons for the next 3-6d. The crazy crap my body goes through with the crash of hormones. I could just keep going on and on about the suck factor of a period. However, if I did that all the time, each time I'm back at square one/day one, how the heck could I even bear continuing trying? My soul would be long crushed by now under the oppressing negativity and despair that would generate.
I know this road is going to be a long one now, much longer than I anticipated or even dreamed it would be. Luckily, I've been able to to make stops along the way and pick up things that keep me going and moving forward. Words of wisdom and advice. The occasional drink and comfort/junk food, I'm not going to lie. But really there are just a couple of things that have really made this trip so much more bearable. The support and understanding of friends - mostly of the cyber variety, but true encouraging and caring friends none the less. Friends and the knowledge that I've made it this far. If I turn back now, that's just a lot more unnecessary walking, especially if that magical cycle we make our baby is just around the bend.
So CD1, and I'm prepping my travel pack for this cycle. Loaded it with those friends, another pair of shoes, feminine products, alcohol, my ovulation stimulation meds, prenatals, and all that other crap. Tied it all up in a cute little bundle, stuck it on the end of that limbo pole, and plan to toss it over my shoulder as I make my way on into February. And this time, I haven't even cried once yet!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
TTC Limbo
CD26 and 10d post Ov. I feel like I'm in limbo. I have no symptoms to lead me to think that either a + preg test or my period is in my near future. Nothing. This could be a good thing. It could equally be driving me nuts! I hate the waiting, the not knowing, the flip-flopping between hope and defeat. I would probably feel better if I was having signs that my monthly visitor was about to come calling. Anything is better than the uncertainty. Especially if you are as much of a Type A planner with anxiety issues like myself.
I have pretty much resigned myself to continuing on this long, winding road that is trying to conceive (TTC) on into next month, and most likely the following several months as well. I am under no illusions that my TTC journey is coming to a close anytime soon. This is my 8th cycle off the IUD. 7th month. I'm already thinking ahead about what we may do when we reach that 12m mark. Do we keep investing in the meds and vitamins and supplements? The follow-up appointments with the RE? Should we just come to terms that maybe conception is out of our reach and call it quits for now? Maybe start saving up for IVF (yikes!).
At 10dpo, most TTC women are just chomping at the bit to pee on a preg test. I had 1 internet cheapy test left. This little sliver of a stick that I have to dip into to "collected urine". Eh, I hadn't peed all day really, so why not. I wasn't expecting anything on it so I sorta waited for the majority of the dye to pass over the testing/control field. Negative. Oh well, no surprise and into the trash with the last test in the house. Sure, I had hoped that a 2nd line might have snuck in there and blown my mind, but I didn't expecting and wasn't really entertaining it as an actual possibility.
With each passing cycle, I feel like I'm getting more and more jaded and cynical about our chances. When my period comes in the next few days (see, right there. When not If.), I'm thinking that I might not even temp for the small window of O confirmation that I had this time around. I'm not sure if even want to take the Letrozole meds or continue the progesterone supps. I'm just so tired of it all. My life is being controlled by CDs and meds it seems. I long for the days that back when TTC was new and exciting. Every day held the possibility of being pregnant. Where I had hope that even though each test I took was negative, that maybe tomorrows would have that line. Where I thought that maybe I'd be one of those women that still had their periods while pregnant, validating taking another test after my period. You know, just in case.
But those days are long gone. That twinkle of optimism has long been extinguished; only sparking back up for a few days around ovulation and fizzling back out under the weight of the dreaded 2 wk wait. And some days, like today, I have to question myself and really think hard about it all. Is all this money, hormone manipulation, the ups and downs, the boxes of tampons and pads and pregnancy tests; is it all worth it? Last summer, I wouldn't have had any hesitation in screaming out a resounding YES. Now? All I can muster up is a "It will be if we ever get to hold a child of our own." I can say that my moods have become much more stable since removing any and all forms of birth control from my system. Well, with the exception of that lovely time of the month where my emotions are just as out of whack as my hormones.
I have pretty much resigned myself to continuing on this long, winding road that is trying to conceive (TTC) on into next month, and most likely the following several months as well. I am under no illusions that my TTC journey is coming to a close anytime soon. This is my 8th cycle off the IUD. 7th month. I'm already thinking ahead about what we may do when we reach that 12m mark. Do we keep investing in the meds and vitamins and supplements? The follow-up appointments with the RE? Should we just come to terms that maybe conception is out of our reach and call it quits for now? Maybe start saving up for IVF (yikes!).
At 10dpo, most TTC women are just chomping at the bit to pee on a preg test. I had 1 internet cheapy test left. This little sliver of a stick that I have to dip into to "collected urine". Eh, I hadn't peed all day really, so why not. I wasn't expecting anything on it so I sorta waited for the majority of the dye to pass over the testing/control field. Negative. Oh well, no surprise and into the trash with the last test in the house. Sure, I had hoped that a 2nd line might have snuck in there and blown my mind, but I didn't expecting and wasn't really entertaining it as an actual possibility.
With each passing cycle, I feel like I'm getting more and more jaded and cynical about our chances. When my period comes in the next few days (see, right there. When not If.), I'm thinking that I might not even temp for the small window of O confirmation that I had this time around. I'm not sure if even want to take the Letrozole meds or continue the progesterone supps. I'm just so tired of it all. My life is being controlled by CDs and meds it seems. I long for the days that back when TTC was new and exciting. Every day held the possibility of being pregnant. Where I had hope that even though each test I took was negative, that maybe tomorrows would have that line. Where I thought that maybe I'd be one of those women that still had their periods while pregnant, validating taking another test after my period. You know, just in case.
But those days are long gone. That twinkle of optimism has long been extinguished; only sparking back up for a few days around ovulation and fizzling back out under the weight of the dreaded 2 wk wait. And some days, like today, I have to question myself and really think hard about it all. Is all this money, hormone manipulation, the ups and downs, the boxes of tampons and pads and pregnancy tests; is it all worth it? Last summer, I wouldn't have had any hesitation in screaming out a resounding YES. Now? All I can muster up is a "It will be if we ever get to hold a child of our own." I can say that my moods have become much more stable since removing any and all forms of birth control from my system. Well, with the exception of that lovely time of the month where my emotions are just as out of whack as my hormones.
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