The last few weeks have been crazy.
Work.
Home.
Emma.
And I think I've got it pretty easy since she's such an easy and good baby. I get almost 6hrs of sleep a night. Sure, it's actually broken into 2-3hr chunks, but we are up, eat, and go right back to sleep. I don't think it is a lack of sleep that makes it all feel so hectic, though.
I'm THE primary care-giver to all living things in our house. I oversee the pets are fed, watered, pottied; Hubs may do the grunt work for some of it, but generally at my "request". I pay the bills, do the shopping, etc. Add onto all that working no less than 40hrs/wk, feeding a darling daughter, keeping on top of her clothes and diaper laundry as well as our own, trying to make sure there will be something for dinner, and trying to keep up our stock of expressed milk.
My typical day goes as follows:
- Wake up for the day when the Boy leaves for work at 6:30a and feed the babe
- Get dressed while she's still milk drunk and sleepy
- Put her bottles for daycare in a cooler (her diapers and wetbag were re-stocked in her daycare bag the night before)
- Eat something, make a lunch and pack snacks, pump and accessories
- Feed, water, and corral the pets for the day while we are gone
- Feed and change Em one last time and load her daycare bag, my pump bag, purse and carseat all into the car.
- Drop baby off and head to work.
- Work 8-10hrs, work in 2 pump breaks/snack/lunch into my unpredictable schedule.
- Head home and feed the pipsqueak upon my arrival.
- Possibly make, but at least eat dinner
- The next 2 hours are spent doing bills, email, prepping bottles and diapers for the next day, pumping again, cleaning bottles and pump parts, (a bit of computer free time), dessert/snack
- Get ready for bed, last evening feed, and turn in until our 2a-ish meal, followed by the 5a meal
Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
I don't know how women with multiple little ones are even remotely able to function. I don't have a clue as to how women that have twins, triplets, etc survive it.
I love the time I get to spend with Em, but the evenings after work seem too short and her too sleepy. Mornings are just too hectic for real quality time, which is probably why we stay in bed until the last minute! Returning to work definitely has made me more appreciative of the time we do have together. Those 8 weeks home had me yearning for a "break" and me time. Now, I seem to be watching the clock at work, counting down the minutes until I'm able to leave and snuggle my munchkin!
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Friday, March 9, 2012
2m & the Working Dead
Emma is 2m old, as of yesterday. Also, I've returned to work this week, hence the parody title (The Walk.ing Dead is an awesome show!).
These last 8 weeks I've been able to stay at home with my baby girl have been pretty good. There were a few rough patches and a couple of times things were on the verge of chaos, complete breakdown, or both, but overall, it's been great. I did manage to solidly confirm that, much like assumed, I am not SAHM material. I hated the lack of time distinction. Not knowing the date, day of the week, or really even the time of day unless I was staring directly at a calendar or clock. Heck, I only knew night vs day because a) it was dark outside and b) the Hubs would suggest going to bed. And as much as I love my daughter, I just can't deal with anyone for 24hrs straight, every single day of the week. We'd gotten into a loose routine though and kinda knew what to expect from each other and when.
Of course, this only happens shortly before things are all changed around with returning to work and daycare. Yes, thankfully, the center we wanted and applied to came through for us at the 11th hour. Last Wednesday evening, I received the call that a space had opened if we were still interested. We were, and she was set to start Monday. Bonus, we qualified for a tuition reduction AND a 10% discount because I work for the university. This ends up saving us $250+ a month in child care!
Work has been alright this past week. I'm a good bit rusty on science-y things and protocols, not to mention missing my afternoon nap.and staying in bed until 9 or 10am. Thankfully, my boss has let me come back at part-time this week, and even next if I'd like. He's been super awesome about everything these last 10m or so. Working 4-5hrs a day is so exhausting right now! I've never been so thankful for the "gift" of 4hrs on continuous as I am these days! It felt like a miracle when Em slept 5hrs Wednesday night. I'm not sure how productive I've really been this past week. People like to talk to ya when you've been out for 2m, even more-so when you've had a baby, and especially so when 90% of the people around you are women! I'm constantly being asked about her, my labor and for pictures. Between all the small chat, brain fog, and pumping every 3hrs, not a ton of real work-work got done each day.
Em's 1st week of daycare has been much smoother than my transition back to the living and working. The daycare ladies in her Infants' room are lovely, don't mind cloth diapering, and let us use our glass bottles (with protective rubber wraps). I didn't cry once dropping her off in the morning, but am always overjoyed to pick her up! Today, she was even awake when I arrived, and got excited by the sound of my voice when I entered the room! I'm not sure if I should feel guilty over my lack of guilt in "leaving her with strangers", but I'm ok with someone else taking care of her as she's in good (and way more experienced!) hands during the day. I'm only really sad to think they might get to experience more of her "1st's" than me. My heart would have broke if someone else had got her 1st smile, coo, or laugh!
But at 2m, my baby girl is up to 9lbs, 5oz and almost 23in long. She's on the small side of the growth charts for weight and head circumference, but on the opposite end for height. Between her long and lean physique and the fact that everyone is saying that she is completely gorgeous and has such great features (and them swearing they aren't just saying that to be nice), maybe we have a potential model on our hands?
Em-n-m: I love that you are growing and learning so much these days, but really not wanting you to grow up. Can't you grow and develop, but stay this small forever?
These last 8 weeks I've been able to stay at home with my baby girl have been pretty good. There were a few rough patches and a couple of times things were on the verge of chaos, complete breakdown, or both, but overall, it's been great. I did manage to solidly confirm that, much like assumed, I am not SAHM material. I hated the lack of time distinction. Not knowing the date, day of the week, or really even the time of day unless I was staring directly at a calendar or clock. Heck, I only knew night vs day because a) it was dark outside and b) the Hubs would suggest going to bed. And as much as I love my daughter, I just can't deal with anyone for 24hrs straight, every single day of the week. We'd gotten into a loose routine though and kinda knew what to expect from each other and when.
Of course, this only happens shortly before things are all changed around with returning to work and daycare. Yes, thankfully, the center we wanted and applied to came through for us at the 11th hour. Last Wednesday evening, I received the call that a space had opened if we were still interested. We were, and she was set to start Monday. Bonus, we qualified for a tuition reduction AND a 10% discount because I work for the university. This ends up saving us $250+ a month in child care!
Work has been alright this past week. I'm a good bit rusty on science-y things and protocols, not to mention missing my afternoon nap.and staying in bed until 9 or 10am. Thankfully, my boss has let me come back at part-time this week, and even next if I'd like. He's been super awesome about everything these last 10m or so. Working 4-5hrs a day is so exhausting right now! I've never been so thankful for the "gift" of 4hrs on continuous as I am these days! It felt like a miracle when Em slept 5hrs Wednesday night. I'm not sure how productive I've really been this past week. People like to talk to ya when you've been out for 2m, even more-so when you've had a baby, and especially so when 90% of the people around you are women! I'm constantly being asked about her, my labor and for pictures. Between all the small chat, brain fog, and pumping every 3hrs, not a ton of real work-work got done each day.
Em's 1st week of daycare has been much smoother than my transition back to the living and working. The daycare ladies in her Infants' room are lovely, don't mind cloth diapering, and let us use our glass bottles (with protective rubber wraps). I didn't cry once dropping her off in the morning, but am always overjoyed to pick her up! Today, she was even awake when I arrived, and got excited by the sound of my voice when I entered the room! I'm not sure if I should feel guilty over my lack of guilt in "leaving her with strangers", but I'm ok with someone else taking care of her as she's in good (and way more experienced!) hands during the day. I'm only really sad to think they might get to experience more of her "1st's" than me. My heart would have broke if someone else had got her 1st smile, coo, or laugh!
But at 2m, my baby girl is up to 9lbs, 5oz and almost 23in long. She's on the small side of the growth charts for weight and head circumference, but on the opposite end for height. Between her long and lean physique and the fact that everyone is saying that she is completely gorgeous and has such great features (and them swearing they aren't just saying that to be nice), maybe we have a potential model on our hands?
Em-n-m: I love that you are growing and learning so much these days, but really not wanting you to grow up. Can't you grow and develop, but stay this small forever?
Friday, February 24, 2012
Given the Doctor's "A-Ok"
Today was my postpartum visit with the Ob. According to her, I've got the green light to resume life as normal. My stitches have healed and dissolved. No more "lochia" as it is awesomely called. I still have the beautiful linea nigra down my belly and some equally gorgeous stretch marks on one cheek and both upper thighs. Not too shabby, all things considered.
Since everything is looking good down there, I am cleared for return of sexual intercourse with the Hubs. This leads to the BC question. To prevent back to back pregnancies, we need to use protection. It is mind-blowing to think that after all the trying and trying to get pregnant, we are now having to prevent it! I have a hard time wrapping my brain around that one. While it would be unlikely for us to conceive on our own since I'm not taking anything and neither is he, we'd rather be safe (although I'm slightly curious to know what it would be like to have an "oopsie!" pregnancy).
We've discussed the next addition to the clan is going to be a few years away, at least 2 if not 3. We worked so hard for this munchkin, we'd like to enjoy her as much as we can! As such, I've decided to have an IUD put back in. There is no way I'm going on any of the Pills or rings or shots. The IUD has been the only contraceptive that hasn't given me huge side effects. Sure, there is also the barrier method, but come on, nothing kills the mood like having to pause to "shimmy on a jimmy." There isn't enough mood these days for any to be killed. So, IUD it is.
In other news, I'll be going back to work March 5th. I'm both glad and sad about it. I'll be happy to have some delineation between days back in my life, but I'm not looking forward to leaving my little girl to be cared for my strangers at daycare nor to working 50hrs/wk and the hassle of some of my co-workers. I wish I could work from home, but there isn't much in my job description that I can do outside the lab. Finances are not such that either of us can stay at home, even though day care is going to be a huge, HUGE hit to our bank account each month.
Well, at least it will be once we get her enrolled somewhere. Thank you IF for making me scared and paranoid to do an enrollment/wait-listing while pregnant. I had to make sure that I actually had a baby and was able to take it home and keep it before I considered or thought of worrying about daycare! That really has bit me in the rear. Hopefully, the center that is our main choice should be having a few spots in their infants program shortly. Just waiting on a few of the moms to have their next baby, which is any day now for 2 of them. Otherwise, we'll have to fall back to our Plan B and see about having her go to the daycare that the (PG again) SIL's mom runs in her house. We'll just have to see how this next week goes... Hopefully better than this last one has...
Since everything is looking good down there, I am cleared for return of sexual intercourse with the Hubs. This leads to the BC question. To prevent back to back pregnancies, we need to use protection. It is mind-blowing to think that after all the trying and trying to get pregnant, we are now having to prevent it! I have a hard time wrapping my brain around that one. While it would be unlikely for us to conceive on our own since I'm not taking anything and neither is he, we'd rather be safe (although I'm slightly curious to know what it would be like to have an "oopsie!" pregnancy).
We've discussed the next addition to the clan is going to be a few years away, at least 2 if not 3. We worked so hard for this munchkin, we'd like to enjoy her as much as we can! As such, I've decided to have an IUD put back in. There is no way I'm going on any of the Pills or rings or shots. The IUD has been the only contraceptive that hasn't given me huge side effects. Sure, there is also the barrier method, but come on, nothing kills the mood like having to pause to "shimmy on a jimmy." There isn't enough mood these days for any to be killed. So, IUD it is.
In other news, I'll be going back to work March 5th. I'm both glad and sad about it. I'll be happy to have some delineation between days back in my life, but I'm not looking forward to leaving my little girl to be cared for my strangers at daycare nor to working 50hrs/wk and the hassle of some of my co-workers. I wish I could work from home, but there isn't much in my job description that I can do outside the lab. Finances are not such that either of us can stay at home, even though day care is going to be a huge, HUGE hit to our bank account each month.
Well, at least it will be once we get her enrolled somewhere. Thank you IF for making me scared and paranoid to do an enrollment/wait-listing while pregnant. I had to make sure that I actually had a baby and was able to take it home and keep it before I considered or thought of worrying about daycare! That really has bit me in the rear. Hopefully, the center that is our main choice should be having a few spots in their infants program shortly. Just waiting on a few of the moms to have their next baby, which is any day now for 2 of them. Otherwise, we'll have to fall back to our Plan B and see about having her go to the daycare that the (PG again) SIL's mom runs in her house. We'll just have to see how this next week goes... Hopefully better than this last one has...
Monday, February 20, 2012
The Cruelty of Infertility
I just read 2 posts that just completely broke my heart (1 by Courtney @ Bodega Bliss and 1 by Elphie @ Alice in Diaperland, formerly Yolk).
Mo of Mommy Odyssey had her water break at 22w. She is being monitored in the hope that it will replenish, otherwise her little boy is likely not ot make it.
She has gone through so much to get a viable pregnancy and even with her current. How can life be so cruel as to have someone go through RPL, loss of a tube, and everything else she's had to endure, then give her so much hope and joy only to rip it from her?
I don't even know what else to say... Please, go and give her some love and support as her, Shmerson and their little Shmaby deal with this unfortunate turn of events. And if you happen to be one of the lucky ones, like I am, hold your child close and appreciate them for the miracles they are.
Mo of Mommy Odyssey had her water break at 22w. She is being monitored in the hope that it will replenish, otherwise her little boy is likely not ot make it.
She has gone through so much to get a viable pregnancy and even with her current. How can life be so cruel as to have someone go through RPL, loss of a tube, and everything else she's had to endure, then give her so much hope and joy only to rip it from her?
I don't even know what else to say... Please, go and give her some love and support as her, Shmerson and their little Shmaby deal with this unfortunate turn of events. And if you happen to be one of the lucky ones, like I am, hold your child close and appreciate them for the miracles they are.
Monday, February 13, 2012
1 Month
I just can't seem to do things "On Time" these days... Here's where things stand at 1 month(ish) of Emma.
Emma had her 1m Well Baby appt on the 9th. She got her 2nd Hep B shot (only cried for a min or two) and is up to 8lbs 2oz and grew 1 inch! She's too long now for about 80% of her Newborn (NB) clothing. We've given some of them to my fertile friend whose little girl is 12d younger than Em. Some of them, I just can't seem to part with... So she's growing well and is over all a healthy baby!
I'm doing well for the most part. I have my postpartum checkup coming up. Not entirely sure exactly when as I have to try and reschedule it as I just haven't been able to master being in 2 places at once, yet. It's easier to get in with the OB than to find a new time and day that work with the dentist/hygienist. I think I've healed back up well and all, but we'll see. I'm also thinking of getting an IUD placed again as birth control as it is going to be quite a while before we discuss siblings.
I'm not going to lie, there are some aspects of life that aren't going so well. I would love to be getting more sleep, but the lack there of is expected. It doesn't make the sleep deprivation easier, but I've been told that it should start improving as Em will be sleeping longer at night soon. We'll see about that... While she's a good baby most days, there are days that completely make up for her good behavior. Days where she's cranky, fussy, gassy, spit-uppy, and just wants to cry and holler, or eat constantly, or be held but squirm the whole time and needs to be in constant motion. Those are very. hard. days. Very. Those days, I just want to cry right alongside her and often times I do. While the hubs does help out from time to time, often all she wants is me- either for comfort nursing or just because I'm more familiar (I'm assuming). I feel a bit guilty, but those days, I really miss being pregnant. I miss having an inside baby a lot of the time as it is. I truly enjoyed being pregnant, and even though there were so many mental and emotional difficulties (Thank you, IF!), it was definitely easier than being a mom!
Honestly, there is not one thing about being a parent that is easy. Not one. I'm not saying it's not enjoyable. It definitely is, but it's incredibly hard! It also makes every other part of your life even harder, too. Financially, things are tighter (hello, daycare!- which in itself has been another problem and ordeal of its own). I feel like I barely have time for myself, let alone the Boy. I'm dreading going back to work in 2.5 weeks. I know things are only going to be more difficult then. If I wasn't so exhausted, I would probably be more ashamed of the state of my house than I am right now, not to mention my personal hygiene. And then there is the guilt of feeling this way knowing there are so many couples that would give everything to be right where I am. I was one of them not too long ago.
I love my daughter with all that my being. Her birth was one of the most incredible days of my life. However, looking back, getting pregnant now seems like the easy part. But I wouldn't trade any of the fear, frustration or worries of parenthood.
Emma had her 1m Well Baby appt on the 9th. She got her 2nd Hep B shot (only cried for a min or two) and is up to 8lbs 2oz and grew 1 inch! She's too long now for about 80% of her Newborn (NB) clothing. We've given some of them to my fertile friend whose little girl is 12d younger than Em. Some of them, I just can't seem to part with... So she's growing well and is over all a healthy baby!
I'm doing well for the most part. I have my postpartum checkup coming up. Not entirely sure exactly when as I have to try and reschedule it as I just haven't been able to master being in 2 places at once, yet. It's easier to get in with the OB than to find a new time and day that work with the dentist/hygienist. I think I've healed back up well and all, but we'll see. I'm also thinking of getting an IUD placed again as birth control as it is going to be quite a while before we discuss siblings.
I'm not going to lie, there are some aspects of life that aren't going so well. I would love to be getting more sleep, but the lack there of is expected. It doesn't make the sleep deprivation easier, but I've been told that it should start improving as Em will be sleeping longer at night soon. We'll see about that... While she's a good baby most days, there are days that completely make up for her good behavior. Days where she's cranky, fussy, gassy, spit-uppy, and just wants to cry and holler, or eat constantly, or be held but squirm the whole time and needs to be in constant motion. Those are very. hard. days. Very. Those days, I just want to cry right alongside her and often times I do. While the hubs does help out from time to time, often all she wants is me- either for comfort nursing or just because I'm more familiar (I'm assuming). I feel a bit guilty, but those days, I really miss being pregnant. I miss having an inside baby a lot of the time as it is. I truly enjoyed being pregnant, and even though there were so many mental and emotional difficulties (Thank you, IF!), it was definitely easier than being a mom!
Honestly, there is not one thing about being a parent that is easy. Not one. I'm not saying it's not enjoyable. It definitely is, but it's incredibly hard! It also makes every other part of your life even harder, too. Financially, things are tighter (hello, daycare!- which in itself has been another problem and ordeal of its own). I feel like I barely have time for myself, let alone the Boy. I'm dreading going back to work in 2.5 weeks. I know things are only going to be more difficult then. If I wasn't so exhausted, I would probably be more ashamed of the state of my house than I am right now, not to mention my personal hygiene. And then there is the guilt of feeling this way knowing there are so many couples that would give everything to be right where I am. I was one of them not too long ago.
I love my daughter with all that my being. Her birth was one of the most incredible days of my life. However, looking back, getting pregnant now seems like the easy part. But I wouldn't trade any of the fear, frustration or worries of parenthood.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Another less than Super Sunday
There wasn't anything wrong with the actual day. I wasn't disappointed by the game as I didn't care if the Pats or the Giants won. All in all, it was a really average day.
But the daggers of IF struck again. I've already been dealing with the anniversary of the miscarriage this week. The last thing I wanted was to deal with a pregnancy announcement. But guess what?
My SIL, the one that was previously referred to as PG-SIL and threw the shower for me, is 7 or 8w pregnant. They have their 1st ultrasound for this pregnancy on Valentine's day. They were planning on telling us while we were over to watch the Big Game last night, but I happened to see "Ultrasound" written on their calendar.
I'm happy for them and glad it only took them the 2 treatment cycles of Clomid this time (although I don't think the clomid is specifically needed in their case as she ovulates fine and only seems to need a bit of progesterone support). But I didn't want to find out about it this week! The previous week would have been perfectly OK; next week would have worked, too. I just wanted to cry the rest of the evening.
WTF, Infertility!? It's been a year, and yet, the emotions seem just as strong and raw as they were then. Should they have lessened drastically by now, given time and the fact that I now have a beautiful, little daughter? Why does every pregnancy announcement still hurt? Why do I get angry and resentful when I hear people talk about how easy it was for them or how quickly it happened?
Thanks, Infertility and Loss for embittering me to happy news like this and for not letting me fully move on from it all...
But the daggers of IF struck again. I've already been dealing with the anniversary of the miscarriage this week. The last thing I wanted was to deal with a pregnancy announcement. But guess what?
My SIL, the one that was previously referred to as PG-SIL and threw the shower for me, is 7 or 8w pregnant. They have their 1st ultrasound for this pregnancy on Valentine's day. They were planning on telling us while we were over to watch the Big Game last night, but I happened to see "Ultrasound" written on their calendar.
I'm happy for them and glad it only took them the 2 treatment cycles of Clomid this time (although I don't think the clomid is specifically needed in their case as she ovulates fine and only seems to need a bit of progesterone support). But I didn't want to find out about it this week! The previous week would have been perfectly OK; next week would have worked, too. I just wanted to cry the rest of the evening.
WTF, Infertility!? It's been a year, and yet, the emotions seem just as strong and raw as they were then. Should they have lessened drastically by now, given time and the fact that I now have a beautiful, little daughter? Why does every pregnancy announcement still hurt? Why do I get angry and resentful when I hear people talk about how easy it was for them or how quickly it happened?
Thanks, Infertility and Loss for embittering me to happy news like this and for not letting me fully move on from it all...
Saturday, February 4, 2012
This time last year...
This time last year was so starkly different from this time this year.
This time last year, I was miscarrying my 1st ever and highly improbable pregnancy. My heart was heavy and hurting, but I was coming to terms with it and starting the healing process. I didn't know if it was possible for us to conceive again. I was feeling a bit worn down with the whole TTC ordeal. Almost thinking that it was pointless and if all the trouble and disappointment was even worth it.
This year, I know it all was worth it and then some. While I haven't forgotten the loss and heartache of last year, having Emma here this year makes it easier to bear. I now know that all the medications, appts, negative pregnancy tests, and everything has paid off, in spades. This year, I am not living in my pj's, swollen and puffy eyes, and dulling the pain with alcohol. This year, I'm living in my pj's, dark circles under my eyes, and joy in my heart. And today, while writing this post up, I was treated to the wonder of Emma's 1st intentional smile at me. In that instance, all the grief and hardship of TTC and loss melted away (at least for a while).
This year, I'm happy.
This time last year, I was miscarrying my 1st ever and highly improbable pregnancy. My heart was heavy and hurting, but I was coming to terms with it and starting the healing process. I didn't know if it was possible for us to conceive again. I was feeling a bit worn down with the whole TTC ordeal. Almost thinking that it was pointless and if all the trouble and disappointment was even worth it.
This year, I know it all was worth it and then some. While I haven't forgotten the loss and heartache of last year, having Emma here this year makes it easier to bear. I now know that all the medications, appts, negative pregnancy tests, and everything has paid off, in spades. This year, I am not living in my pj's, swollen and puffy eyes, and dulling the pain with alcohol. This year, I'm living in my pj's, dark circles under my eyes, and joy in my heart. And today, while writing this post up, I was treated to the wonder of Emma's 1st intentional smile at me. In that instance, all the grief and hardship of TTC and loss melted away (at least for a while).
This year, I'm happy.
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