Crank it to 11!

Wow.

Last month as an "infant", but she'll always be my baby.

things have just been crazy between work, home, holidays and chasing after Em. I went on a work related day trip to DC to give a presentation on some work/research we did in conjunction with another institution there with my boss and the other PhD/mini-boss (from last post). It went alright, but man, is it a pain in the keister to fly with a cooler and breast milk! Between prep and traveling for that presentation and holiday prep, time has just slipped through my fingers!

We had Thanksgiving at Boy's brother's house. It was delicious food (BIL is a chef) and good times with the family. Lots of babies though. Em, her 2 cousins there, and 3 cousins from the baby-crazed SIL that just had her boy in September.

So where are we at since last monthly update?

- Walking. Well, really it's mostly attempts to run, but this girl can cross a room upright these days! Crawling is still the fastest mode of self-propulsion around the house.

-  Climbing. She has learned that she can stand on things and crawl into them. his is great for the high chair, any other chair, and her play seat. Not so great for pretty much everything else.

- She speaks! Sorta. "Daat" means either Dad, dog, that or cat. It really depends on what she's pointing at for that moment. But she loves to point at things that she finds interesting.

- Blowing kisses. Completely precious. She even makes the "mwah" sound!

- "Blowing" her nose. As of yesterday, she pretend sneezes into a tissue or cloth or does so in response to us sneezing. Super timely as we are both dealing with the cold from daycare.

She is spending a few days each week in the toddlers room at daycare. It's to get her use to the other kids, teachers, and routine. She does well in there according to the teachers and enjoys the more frequent outside time. And the snack times. Girl loves to eat!

Emma seems to understand what to do with presents. Ribbons, bows, and wrapping paper corners are just not safe in this house. She didn't care too much about the Christmas tree until this past week or so. Now, she likes to play with the ornaments on the lower branches. On, off, on, off, repeat until something moves elsewhere or there is a noise.

Let's talk holiday shopping. We initially only planned to get Em a few things and to start her college fund. I'll just say it is so easy to get swept up buying for your child. She has a gift under the tree from each of us, items in her stocking, and I'm having to keep myself from buying her a cute holiday outfit or toy or what have you. I can't wait to see how she reacts to opening gifts come Christmas.

I still can't believe my next monthly update will be her 1st birthday. We are planning a rather small, casual get-together for the event. I found a party supply theme of Little Golden Books that I think will be awesome for a kid's party.

What a year this has been...

My happy little girl!

Infertility - The Gift that keeps on giving, and giving, and giving..

Here I am, practically 11m out from being "cured" of my IF with the glorious birth of my baby girl.

And yet, why does a pregnancy announcement still gut me?

Truth be told, it's not just a PG announcement, but a "surprise pregnancy/oopsie" announcement.

I found out on Friday from a friend/co-worker that the co-worker that irritates the daylights out of me on a regular basis had posted on FB that she was expecting a baby boy.

If we rewind to about 1.5-2m ago, I had suspicions that she was pregnant based off behavior and belly shape. I went to check out her FB page as we were friends on there. Or so I thought. De-friended. Oh well, and I shoved it to the back of my mind. Fast forward to a few weeks ago, and I was practically positive she was due to behavior, belly shape, and wardrobe choices. Hubs convinced me that I'm just trying to see babies where there aren't any as I'm "baby-crazy". Besides, Not but a few months before when she was complaining that her BF hadn't popped the question and they'd been together for X yrs, she explicitly stated that she wants kids with him, but much much farther down the line.

Guess that line was much shorter than she thought.

It was also relayed to me that she didn't know she was pregnant until she was about 3m along. How in the World?!?! I thought she was pregnant at that point; how come she was just finding out then? And shockingly, that timing coincided well with them getting engaged.

How on earth is it fair for her to get pregnant on super accident and then to skip out on teh the worry, anxiety and fear of the 1st trimester?

I tried to be the bigger person and sent her a message over the weekend to congratulate them with no response. Monday morning, I sent her a health and safety form that needed to be filled out updating her "status" that really should have been done around the 12-16w mark, not at 5m along. From that stand point though, she really should have told me sooner. If you've told other people in the lab (students, etc), then maybe it would be behoove you to also inform the lab/safety manager so that things can be put into process and your unborn fetus can be protected from potential hazards that you may not be aware of in a laboratory setting?

I tried to suck it all up yesterday and be nice, polite and attempt interactivity. This morning, I knew that was going to be a failure. I couldn't stand being around her and her blase attitude regarding something so many people would give anything to have. I was blinking back tears every time I saw her and her no longer concealed bulging belly.

Each time, it was as if all the fear and hurt and anger from loss and IF came slamming back to me. I kept feeling on the verge of breaking down. I had to do something about it, so I had a little "chat" with her supervisor/my co-worker. I had to fill her in that we went through a lot to have Emma and as such, being around her the last 2 days of it being "official", I just am not handling it well. When it was just my hunch and all, I could just play it off as "She's just fatter now" or that I was seeing things like the Boy said. But with it being really real, I just can't deal with her at the moment. I hated having to have that talk. I had hoped that I could be really professional about it and just bite it back, but alas, IF wins again. Thankfully, she understood and is going to help as best she can to minimize our interactions for a while.

It was still awkward, but at least I wasn't in tears the rest of the day. I hate this so much. I wish there was a cure for IF and the damage it does was easily repaired...

My Perfect Ten

She just keeps getting cuter, doesn't she?! (Why, no; I'm not at all biased.)

I wish I had posted before now, but this last month has been crazy. The weather can't make up it's mind. The wee one is all over the place, getting into things. There's also the sleep deprivation that I've been battling. I understand, but really wish I didn't have to have.

If you remember from last post, she had just broke her 1st tooth. Well, since October 2nd, she's added 5 more teeth. That's 6 teeth in 30 days. Rough. The good and bad news is that she's learned how to use them. Ouch! Thankfully, she's a quick study and has learned that biting means no nursing.

Halloween was a low key affair here. We sorta dressed her up, took a few pics, and handed out a tiny bit of candy to a few trick-or-treaters.

What? No candy for me?

So the rundown for the last month(ish) of happenings around here:

- 6 teeth. 2 bottom, 4 top. The upper right canine is starting to come down, and we can see the lump of the tooth in her gums. Let the fun begin again...

- Free standing. She's letting go of things more and more these days and just -standing- there. Baby girl is getting more and more confidence. Speaking of letting go...

- Baby steps. Yup. This weekend, Em took a few toddling steps a time or two. When she's not thinking about it, she just does it. My heart skipped beats. I was dumbfounded.

- Silly noises. She can do "waabbaa, waabaa" with her hand on her mouth (back of her hand) and blows raspberries like a pro. She'll fake cough and do this half laugh "Hee, hee, hee."

She's getting so big and more grown-up everyday it seems. I can't even begin to grasp the idea that she'll be ONE YEAR old in just a few more weeks. I fear it's just going to fly by with all the holidays and happenings. It is totally cliche, but my precious little newborn has almost turned into a toddler in just a few blinks of an eye.

It doesn't think even seem possible that this time last year, I was having my shower and Emma was just a jumble in my belly...

To those still in the trenches, I want to tell you that it is a good fight and worth every tear and heartache for the littlest moments that your child gives you.

Primetime, Month 9

Wow.

Three quarters of a year. Done and dusted. Insane.

My Lil' Miss is a little one. Just 15lbs 5oz (6th percentile), but 27.5" (45th percentile) and a head circumference of 42.3cm (13th percentile). So her weight and HC switched percentiles and she hasn't gained any additional weight since her sick baby visit last month. This will make sense after reading what she's been up to these last few weeks!

So what is new from last monthly update?

- Honest to goodness crawling. The Commando-crawl has upgraded to full-on hands and knees action, 95% of the time at least. Boy, is she getting fast!

- "Dancing"  Baby girl has some groove. Unfortunately, her moves are more akin to her daddy's at the moment. Leg giggles and bouncing. Swaying. And the funniest is this new head wiggle and roll thing she does, a la Stevie Wonder.

- Standing for a few seconds on her own. Plus, she's trying to get to standing from crawling and sitting, all by herself, in the middle of the floor. 

- Big girl foods. We've been doing Baby Led Solids for months, but she's been eating the "school food" at daycare for breakfast, lunch and snack; impressing all the ladies with how she packs it away. She impresses me and others as well. Girl can eat!

- New sounds and noises. Em likes to hoot and holler to hear her own voice a lot. Common sounds include "Dadada," "Bababa," "Tata," "Hhaa!" "Aaah!" "Huuhn," "Uhh" and clucking her tongue.

- Super pincer action! Puffs and Cheer.ios don't stand a chance! Neither does Daddy's nipples or chest hair.

- Waving Hi. Her's is a bit of Miss America/parade style. Dainty and all in turning the wrist.

- Copy-catting.  She tries to copy some things we do like facial expressions, sounds, and toy play. Some times, it just takes 1 or 2 times before she has it down.

And one of the most exciting and saddening things: her 1st tooth! My baby is no longer a gummy-smile little thing. Her bottom, left broke through on the 2nd after I noticed it red and swollen that morning. I was checking it that afternoon, after feeding her at daycare, and BAM! I felt it on my finger! Now, she has the right, bottom tooth and both top teeth looking either swollen or showing a white line at the tip/edge. I'm waiting for her to start biting things rather than just gnawing on them...

I'm thinking I may be adding walking on next month's update as she loves edging and walking around holding our hands or fingers. She's getting so good that sometimes it just 1 hand.

She also attended the 1st bday of our good friends' little girl. She was quite the hit, smiling and flirting with all the people, and the older women there couldn't get enough of her. I also got a sneak-peek at her cake reaction. We were going to share a slice of the Dr. Seuss cake, but before I got a bite in, she had sunk her hands into all and was shoving pieces in as fast as she could chew it. She was a blue, happy, mess.

Awesome shot of her during the 5min she kept the hat on!

We'll be visiting the in-laws this coming weekend and hanging with Boy's brother that lives in Cali but is visiting for several days. It will be the 1st he's met Em, as well as for other relative's that will be attending  the surprise 40th anniversary party for the in-laws that's being thrown.

Until next time, here is some more Em-love, in case you, like me, can't get enough!

Greek yogurt is fun AND tasty. Goes great with peaches.

Daddy love to tease her with small tastes of candy

It's exhausting being this cute!

A common infertile path

It's been a while since I mentioned my friend, and infertile mentoree, E. Quick refresher: She saw my FB posts for NIAW last year and asked if we were trying. I told her yes but we encountered some issues, and she confided that so were they! We scheduled to meet up for dinner and talk all things IF. She was going to be turning 35 in a few months, has a thyroid issue and was very eager to hear about what we've tried and planned. The day before our dinner, I got the positive pee stick that would evolve into Emma.

Unfortunately for her, they are still at the grindstone. After several clomid cycles, she was referred to the same fertility clinic we did, but had a different doctor. They went through the usual IF barrage of tests. Blood work, semen analysis, (attempted) HSG, etc. Come to find out she had scar tissue on ther cervix from a prior biopsy that restricted it's opening. A surgical dilation later and they revisited the HSG with success, but very painful.

Turns out she also had some good sized fibroids. Surgery was done to remove most of the bigger ones, some of which were located in "prime implantation" regions. She continued with ov stims going between clomid and letrozole. Her RE pressured them to move onto injections as she was of advanced maternal age and her AMH levels were "worryingly" low. The 2 cycles they did with the injectibles were busts and way too expensive to continue. They've continued TTC without aids from this past May and on.

We were over last night for a fall cookout, and I was checking in on their "progress" as it were. She had stopped seeing the RE, was just going through her GYN and started seeing a new homeopathic type doc. She also had a change up in her thyroid meds. All in all, a bit along the "same stuff, different day" line. Except the next part. It broke my heart.

She was pregnant and didn't know it. She had all but given up. Wasn't tracking anything but her periods and started having late-cycle bleeding last month. She chalked it up to the new thyroid meds. Even though it continued on for almost 3 weeks. It turned into very heavy bleeding with strong cramping. Of to her doc she went. They informed her was was pregnant, and rather very much so, but weren't sure which way it was heading. Her beta was in the 600's. While waiting for the next draw, she started to physically feel better, so knew the answer before they confirmed it had gone down. That follow up, they did an u/s which showed things were "handling" themselves.

Over 2 years of trying and she finds out she was pregnant just as she was losing it... I hate how cruel IF is!!

If anyone has some good mojo and positive, pregnancy promoting thoughts, I'd greatly appreciate it if you could direct some her way so she can get that forever BFP in the next few cycles.

Can I just run away and hide?

I am so overwhelmed by life these days. The only thing that makes any sense to me and I enjoy is spending time with Emma. Even when she's super cranky, over-tired, and doesn't want to be put down or changed.

I am sick of 1/2 the people at work and all the drama that goes with them.

I'm exhausted and sleep deprived.

My house is a complete disaster.

Our bank account is a hot mess.

I just can't seem to keep anything together these days. They only thing I feel like I'm doing right is Emma.

I can't keep track of my days or hours and before I know it, a week or month has gone by. And I've forgotten to do something or pay a bill. I will sometimes even wonder if delayed post-postpartum depression is possible and maybe I need a med re-evaluation. *Sigh*

My evenings and weekends are a reprieve from the rest of life. Even if I am practically chained to the couch with a baby hanging off my chest the whole night. But I'm there with her. Doing my best to play and talk with her, trying to make her feel better from her mean, mean un-budging teeth. Some times she cries unless I nurse her. Some times she just wants to play. And some times, she just wants to me hold her while she sleeps.

Weekday mornings suck. Weekdays in general suck. I pretty much live my days waiting for that afternoon "break" to see her, and then, pass the time at work until I can go home. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. Meh. I'm working for the weekends.

And I live for Sunday mornings. Just Emma and I in bed. We sleep in. We spend over half and hour just playing in bed. Laughing. Giggling. Rolling around. Cuddling. I wish that is how all day and everyday could be. It's one of the few time I feel truly happy and content these days. For that 30min or so, everything feels right. I feel like I have to be doing something correct to have a happy child that smiles for me and wants to be with me.

And in the end, I guess that's more important than what my co-workers think or what my credit score is...

So I think I'm just going to run away and hide in bed with my Emma-nem.

Crazy Eights

Ok. I promise at some point I'll make more than just these monthly(ish) posts on Em. I honestly don't know where the hours and days (and weeks and months!) go these days. I always seem to think up things to say when I have no way to put them to paper or type. One day though...

Speaking of time flying by, Em is a freaking 8m old now! When did this happen? I mean other than "on Sept 8th".

New things going on:
- Commando-style crawling, that I think resembles a seal on land. Boy, is she quick though!
- As of Thursday, lowering herself to sitting from standing, intentionally and controlled. It sound simple and mundane, but is a pretty big deal in babyland.
- Sitting to hands & knees and attempts to stand from there. It really just ends up looking like downward-facing dog.
- Fishy/kissy faces and playing with her tongue. She makes noises that sound like a pig grunting.
- Pinching. This one is not so fun while feeding or holding her...
- Moving or "cruising" from couch to ottoman to what ever else is within reach around the room.
- Waving bye-bye or signing "milk." I'm not entirely sure which...
- Separation Anxiety. Mommy is the end-all-be-all and, at times,heaven-forbid if I set her down to do things or leave the room/turn the corner. Thank you, babywearing!
- Out of the infant car seat/carrier; hello big girl convertible car seat!
- She's officially been moved over to the mobile/ "big kid" side of the infant's room at daycare.
- Continued teething, but no teeth yet. They look like they are coming (hopefully) soon!

Chasing after Mommy. Can't believe she'd just set me down here!

Mommy is my favorite gym!

Em also had her 1st sick baby visit to the ped. She started having this spotty, pimply rash on her legs, chest, and back. There had been a couple of cases of Hand, foot & mouth (coxsackie virus) at the center, so I took her into check. Not anything to worry about as it was just a reaction to a common little virus that will need to run it's course. She didn't have any fever or diarrhea, just eye gook.

Em shared her 8m birthday with her new cousin. The previously and now PG again SIL had her boy that afternoon. 7lbs, 20in at 37.5w = a big boy; . It's odd to think that Em was smaller than that not too too long ago...

Still not much going on with me these days. I've been dealing with De Quervain tensynovitis or "mommy thumb"  in my right and dominant hand and having to wear a stabilizer brace off and on for the last several weeks. I'd also like to thank babywearing again as it let's me carry her without strain on my wrist or awkwardness in using my left side.

Just another sign that my body sucks at hormones.

An additional, more obvious sign is the unwelcomed return of acne. I was super lucky that pregnancy actually improved my complexion. It was soft, supple, and practically pimple free! Now, it's back to being (and possibly worse than before) dry, oily, and just break-outs galore. I've tried mild soaps, acne washes, toner, just water, moisturizers, oils - I'm not sure what else to do. I've been trying to drink extra fluids as I've heard hydration is the best thing for your skin, but no such luck here.

I know it's a common complaint among IFs, but it still pisses me off. I know it's possible for me to have fantastic skin as I was blessed with it for ~9m. I mean, I already miss being pregnant. This is just one more thing that make me miss it even more. Mind you, I'm not looking to start on #2 yet or for a while. I just want to have the pregnancy experience without the labor and all at the end. Oh and I could do without the nausea of it as well. I feel kinda weird admitting that as it seems sacrilegious to say after IF and to those going through it. "I want everything about being pregnant, except the baby at the end." I absolutely loved being pregnant, but as for another baby, I really just want to focus on Em and enjoy her for another year or so before adding to our family.