So much stuff...

So much stuff going on with life these days.

We've had 2 snow storms in the last 3wks. The 1st was nice. We had ~4in of soft, powdery snow that we had a snow day as a family to enjoy. Em loves snow. The dogs loved it, too. The 3 of them together was hilarious and adorable! It was my favorite type of snow. Came in soft and pretty and practically melted in a day or 2!

Yesterday, we got about 8in in about 4-5hrs. It was ridiculous. I left work when it started snowing, and it was coating the roads in the 5-10min it took for me to get my stuff together and get to my car. I then took 30min to make it the mile to Em's daycare that normally takes 5-10min. The rest of the drive home was unreal. We finally made it home 3hrs after leaving the care center. Can I say how much that sucked? A hungry, bored toddler stuck in the car that was pretty much not moving. She ate all my snacks, so it sucked even more as I was starving since I didn't get lunch before leaving work. I should have just stayed home yesterday. I was in the car longer than I was working, and it wasn't a super productive day. We plan to just hibernate and not leave the house unless absolutely necessary until the roads are all better and clear. I am so over this winter!

Unrelated to the weather, we've started to tell family and some very close friends about the pregnancy. While we were Sky.ping with his parents, we went over Em's stats from her 2yr appt and mentioned that she's a completely happy and healthy big sister. His mom flipped and was super excited and happy! She was hoping we were going to say something when they came up for her birthday, but things were too uncertain then. We went out that Saturday to Once.upon.a.child for their grab bag sale. I was absent-mindedly looking at the maternity clothes. My mom was talking about how they are comfortable and could be worn when not pregnant or I could get them now for if we'd need them sometime later. All I replied with was "maybe" and she came back with "Or sooner?" My reply was a sly "maybe?" That's not exactly how I had wanted to tell them, but they were excited too. She even guessed how far along I was, strangely enough.

Boy told his brother and SIL when we were over for Super Bowl Sunday. Their reactions were lukewarm at best. All his other brothers and their wives were happy and excited for us as were my sisters. Our friends that have a little girl 2w younger then Em were excited for us too. I filled my boss in since it means there are certain lab protocols I can't do any more. He was very happy for us.

Regarding work, things are going ok. Busy as usual. One of the grad students (the slacker and jinxed one) is also pregnant, 3w behind me. This should be interesting... My initial reaction was a huff and eye-roll that I had to really force to suppress. She wanted to make sure what she had to be concerned about lab-wise regarding staying safe for her and the baby. I have to applaud her on that as the last pregnant co-worker didn't seem to care about that, never mentioned it to me, and I had to bring it up after other lab members filled me in when she went FB public. [Not that mentioning concerns about reagents or protocols changed how or what that person did, at all.]

As far as my pregnancy, we are both doing good so far. I had my 1st bout of queasy and sick last weekend/early this week. I didn't eat immediately after getting up and ended up throwing up one morning. It was hard to keep eating for the rest of that day. Ick. So I've since realized that I need to eat almost constantly, but at least every 2hrs. If I wake up at night, I need to eat. When I wake up in the morning, I need to eat within 10min of waking, as well as eat breakfast with some form of protein. Prior to going to bed, I also need to eat again; lately, it's been a bagel with cream cheese. Oh, and I've had cravings this go round. I didn't' really have any with Em, but this time, there are things that I NEED to eat when I think about them or see them.

I've also meet with a Certified Nursing Midwife (CNM) in the area. She was really great, smart, and funny. She was ok with my weight, even checked Em's weight on the scale, too and took both of our blood pressures. All I have to do is sign a form when she sends it to me and do the copay, then I'll be all set for preparing for a home birth. I've researched it since I learned about them a few months after Em was born. It looks like a really good option in my situation as I had a very low risk pregnancy last time that ended in a quick and complication-less delivery. Plus, as a friend pointed out, even if the CNM isn't able to make it the house in time if this (hopeful) birth goes faster, I'll have supplies here and be in the comfort of my own home rather than popping a baby out on the side of the road. We won't have to worry about having someone to watch Em or the pets for the day or 2 we are in the hospital. Also, since this is 99% sure to be our last pregnancy and baby, I'll get the chance to experience a different birth scenario and location than the hospital. I initially looked into going to the "local" birth center, but it is about an hour drive just to get there.

I've been checking off and on with the doppler over the last week or so to see if I can pick up a heartbeat on my own. I got one with Em at a little over 9w, so was curious as to when I could catch one this time. Last night, laying in bed before trying to go to sleep, I gave it another whirl. I heard it! It sounded like a freight train. Chugga chugga chugga. Love it. Hubs wanted to see if I could catch it again this morning for Em to hear. I did eventually; she was only slightly interested. It was such a relief though to be able to hear it. In a local parenting and birth FB group, several women that are about my gestation have had missed miscarriages, and it had me a bit worried. *Sigh* I really hate loss and infertility.

And since it's been a winter wonderland/nightmare here, some obligatory snow pics!

Enjoying it coming down before bedtime

1st snowman!

Laundry basket sledding!

Snow angels!

This afternoon's round of snow on top of the 8" we got yesterday...

Growth

Today was a big appointment day for us all here.

Em had her 2yr well check. She was great until things actually needed doing while there. Where it is usually hard to keep clothes on this child, she was very reluctant to take a single thing off in the office. She went ballistic for her weight check, height check and head circumference. Then, she was a peach. She's right on target for her. She's about 34in tall (48th percentile), 24lbs (25th percentile), and 47cm head circumference (43rd percentile). She's gained percentiles! She's getting so big. Too big...

She was ok for the Dr, even tolerated the stethescope better this time. Probably because we've been playing with the basic one I've had for ages at the house. She loves to listen to our "haarts, babbumph." The shot, on the other hand, she was NOT a fan of, at all. It had an equivalent effect on her as if the doctor broke her leg. She couldn't, or rather wouldn't, comfortably walk on it and kept showing and talking about her boo-boo. The stickers were a big hit, though.

My big appt was this morning. There was growth there, as well. A heartbeat, too. I was given the option of either being released back to the OB/GYN's office or coming back next week. Initially, I was going to have them transfer me back, but over the course of the walk from the exam room to the check-out counter, I had a change of heart. I go back next week for one last check.

On a last note, I realized that the 3rd anniversary of that 1st pregnancy, that 1st surprise that it was even possible, is approaching. Maybe that played in to my need for the additional scan? I'll fill you in on how that one goes.

ps- the PIO shots are the worst this time. Butt knots galore.

Roller-coasters

Life has been a series of roller-coasters since the holidays.

The weather has been going up and down, up, way way down and back up. It's super annoying and gives me short lived joy at the thought of a warmer winter. The worse was last week, or was it the week before, where we went from highs almost in the 70s to a high of 22 (low was in the single digits), all in the span of a day or 2. I know it's not that obscenely cold as many parts of the US (and world) are colder and snowier than that for months at a time. But NC is the South. The South isn't suppose to get that cold!! Plus, I'm irritated that we have to keep light jackets and heavy coats out and accessible because who knows which you'll need tomorrow!

On top of the weather, work has been something else. I was (am) working on a collaborative paper that has been in the works for over a year and a half now, almost 2yrs. It was so annoying to have to go back to revisit data from 2+yrs ago, even more-so due to the fact that it was spread across 2 diff computers as my old work computer died out and all my data was transferred to 2 different location and not all of it was reloaded on my current computer. Plus, a co-worker that is also one of the lead authors keeps adding and requesting new things to it. I can't write at work because of other co-workers always asking me petty little questions or mentioning trivial things, nor can I write at home as I have a 2yr old who I'd rather spend time with than write and a home that does need to be cleaned and chores needing to be done at some time. Blah. The new hire is doing a bit better, but I still find myself having to repeat and re-explain things. Maybe it has to do with that age group? I don't know, but it is super irritating and annoying.

Works not been all negative, as my boss has been pretty appreciative of things, and I feel like I've accomplished a good bit by the end of the year. Plus, work was closed from Christmas eve through New Year's day. That was 10d with Em, and they were mostly fun times! As usual, all my Christmas shopping was almost last minute. My favorite gifts were for my mom and MIL- painted handprint Santas and footprint Christmas tree and penguin with cornstarch dough. Em had a blast making those! Christmas itself was nice minus 2 things- SIL was very annoying, irritating and self-centered and Em threw the biggest tantrum of her life Christmas day. For the 1st time ever, we had to soothe her by driving around the neighborhood at 10:30 at night to get her to stop screaming and settle down to sleep. Oh man, it was something else. The rest of Christmas day was beyond fun with her though!

Of course, just for fun and just in case, I POAS Christmas morning. Not surprisingly, it was negative. No Letro.zole rx, so late ovulation on cd21. I was only 5dpo. Way, way too soon for anything to show up. Not that I thought that cycle would work any way. Here's where the super-duper stressful roller-coaster begins, think along the lines of those huge wooden, rattly, old ones...

Since I used up my Letro scripts and needed to do a reconsult to get it filled, I deferred until after the holidays as I couldn't stand to have more bad news like we did back in 2010 just before Christmas. On top of that, TTC#2 has just been wearing me down. I was thinking of taking a hiatus and revisiting TTC at some point in time later in 2014. I just wasn't feeling the excitement or hopefulness of it anymore. I was getting to the point of complacency and just going through the motions. Did I even want a 2nd kid at this point? Em's pretty freakin' awesome and I love her to absolute pieces, so I don't think I'd feel incomplete or anything. Our finances are much less than ideal currently so and additional kid in daycare plus needing a new car to fit 2 carseats in would be adding new strain on our already lean bank account. I was tired of all the stress, tracking everything of my cycle, peeing on things, waiting, disappointment, more waiting. Blah...

CD10 rolls around and as I've not had any single symptom one way or another- no PMS but no nausea, adversions, headaches, nothing- I decided to POAS that was laying around under the sink that evening. Of course, it would be negative!

But it wasn't.  How on earth did that 2nd line get there! Also, the RE's office was closed for non-emergent appts. My Ob's office was able to fit me in for a beta and progesterone draw, and told me only after I had been there and completed it, that it would be about 2-3 business days. -.- (no other way to express it than that emoticon). Oh and did I mention that I only had 3 more suppositories? Yeah, had to get that rx filled as well, but thankfully, the compounding pharmacy was still opened and actually had some in stock!

I told Hubs that evening (hey, I held out a full 24hrs this time!) with a card and a test. Then we headed out for some NYE festivities. Really great timing there as I really could have used a night of inebriation! Here's the quick run down of the next 7 days:

Thursday, 1/2- beta and progesterone at REs - hCG 84, p4 was 17
Monday, 1/6 - repeat draws at RE's- hCG 631, p4 still at 17. Ob calls with 1st draw results- hCG 25 and p4 13.2
Wednesday, 1/8- another repeat draw- hCG 632- Also, Em turned 2!!
Thursday, 1/9 another draw to check if it was lab error or something was wrong.-Not ectopic, was even a bubble in my uterus and hCG came back at over 1,600. Follow up u/s scheduled for Thurs the 16th.

Then, we focused on Em's little family get together birthday celebration. She had fun, got some great stuff and did fantastic with a real cake, real candles and ice cream even!

Carrot cake w/ cream cheese icing is great for hair styling!

 Thankfully, other than being cold and rainy, the next 7d were rather uneventful. We went back on Thursday and had the repeat u/s, at ~5w6d. That little bubble, had grown into a yolk sac and there was the start of a fetal pole even. We head back again this coming Thursday to confirm the presence of a heartbeat (at ~6w6d, it should be there).

Thankfully, my only symptoms are tiredness, a bit of bloating, and the appetite of a teenage boy. Not sure I would have been able to handle all that stress and worry on top of all day nausea, headaches and overall blahs like I had with the last 2 pregnancies.

My EDD is 9/12, my BIL bday, and that would make 9 September birthdays between our families if everything works out as "normal". Yup, another September baby- the one month I had hoped to avoid. Looks like my secret to success is to try treatment for a few months, give up hope but still "try" half-heartedly, expecting utter failure.

It took me almost a week to decide to write and post this. It's weird knowing that I'm pregnant, without feeling like it or really expecting it at all. It feels a bit disconnected from me. But maybe that's what happens when in the course of a week you go from deciding not to keep TTC (or take a break), find out your pregnant, have crazy doubling hCG levels that then stall, leading you to fear either an ectopic or loss of a potential twin, to everything looking alright. All I know is that the next 8m had better be a lot smoother. Good thing this is the last baby as I don't think I could handle TTC, the worry and anxiety of TTC and being pregnant after IF and loss one more time.

So Over This All

November can suck a nut. It pretty much came in horrible and is going out with AF starting.

The Hub's grandma wasn't doing well when the month started, so our weekend trip just to visit became saying goodbye. I'm glad we had planned on going as she passed while we were there. I'm also glad as Em helped take his mom's mind off of things a little bit, a pleasant distraction for her. We headed back 3d later for the funeral.

Work has been harried to say the least. Between being in and out for family related items and training the new person, I'm beat. On top of all of this, I've had to do my own stuff, new things that continue to pop up, new deadlines, and trying to write a friggin' paper for a study we completed ages ago. It's been wearing me down all month.

I need a break.

I was hoping I'd be rewarded for being supportive of family, getting things done, and it being the start of the holidays. Earlier this week, I was feeling run-down, kinda sick and nauseous. I was also beyond irritated and emotional with the trainee as she didn't have a clue what she was doing even though she'd been taken through the protocol at least 2 if not 3 times prior. Monday night even had me there past 7p, and that was late enough that I missed out on spending time with Em before she went to bed that night. I was crushed! I sucked it up and kept thinking that whole Kharma thing should kick in eventually.

I was spotting yesterday at 9dpo. Implantation, maybe? I had a barely there positive with Em by this point and a similar bleeding/spotting with the m/c at 11dpo. Maybe, just maybe...

Hahaha. No.

Not to be wholey negative, there are several things I can be thankful for at this time. Good news, though, is that O was on cd15 and 9d LP is better than 7d and definitely 3d. Also, Hubs is great, for the most part. And I will always be thankful for Em each and every day. She's had a bit of a language explosion the last week or so. New words are flying out left and right from this girl! She is such a trip- silly, sweet, cute and her new thing of giving me hugs, pats and kisses melts my heart!

We also put up light and the tree today, which she was completely crazy about.

4th Time's the Charm?

I was correct. That cycle was a bust as well. Good news is that I wound up with an 11d LP. That in and of itself is pretty friggin' exciting for me. Maybe since that's about where I was with the treatments before conceiving Em, things may work out next? I'd be fine with an August munchkin.

My FNP at the Ob/Gyn office approved my draw for prog. levels. Got the call back on Monday. It was 8. Not great, but almost normal for an un-medicated cycle and about what it was the 1st time I had it measured in 2010. I may or may not get it check this cycle.

I've refilled my last cycle of Letro.zole, bought 2 boxes of feminine products (they were on sale and in hopes that being over-prepared means I won't need them), and my progesterone refill was ready the day I started. I'm all set for a hopeful positive in about 25d. Strangely enough, I should be finding out if this last hurrah for the year before revisiting the RE was successful right around Thanksgiving. That would be something I would be enormously grateful and thankful to get.

Somewhat Good News

3.
Then 6.
Then 7.
Now, 8 and counting!

My LP is slowly becoming longer, most likely thanks to the Letro and progesterone supps. Since I was able to make it to (and past) 7dpo, I took my NP's offer to come in and have my "cd21" levels check. Two things about this irked me, though.  First, they ask if I'm on cd21. Of course, I have to lie and say yes. If I came in on cd21, I'd be 3dpo and won't expect my prog # to be even remotely close to normal. Heck, it was only just over expect for a medicated cycle both times I had positive betas! Second, it took them almost all day to call me back, and started with their preference for scheduling these a day or 2 in advance. It's not really easy to explain to them that you didn't even know you'd be able to get your levels checked in the appropriate time range until the evening before or that morning. I really wanted to get snarky and tell the nurse on the phone "I gave you as much notice as I had in the matter." Not sure how well that would have flown...

In unrelated news, I've peed on just as many hpt sticks as days post-ovulation. I wasn't completely foolish; I waited until 3dpo to start... And took 2 a few of those days... This is so hard! I was so excited that I reached 8dpo this cycle, and with the knowledge that I was already feeling icky at this point with Em, it was a hard urge to not start testing. Plus, I've got like 30 of them sitting next to the toilet. Shockingly (or not), none of them have had more that a lone line on that stark white strip.

I don't think it is going to happen this month. For more reasons than there is no 2nd line yet at 8dpo.
a) My CM just started to change to fertile-like 2d prior to a +opt, not the usual 4-5d lead up.
b) Because of the short notice and the fact that my ovaries have it in for me, we only had one baby-making session in before I O'd the next day. At least my body is keeping with the "O 12-18hrs after +opt" pattern it was prior to baby...
c) I caught Em's cold and have been super congested all this week. I'm sure all the decongestants and mucus-fighting meds I've been taking aren't exactly creating a great environment for a developing embryo.

On a less Trick note, I'm going to share Em's Hallow.een costume. I bought it on clearance at Tar.get last year for $5. After doctoring it with some sleeves and a feather boa, all in, it was still ~$10 for a cute costume. And she LOVED it!

Cutest chicken ever!! Complete with "Baak, Baak", wing flapping, and beak pecking. This girl loves her animal sounds and movements. Carving the pumpkin was pretty fun, too. Squishing the insides was so much fun for this rambunctious toddler. It kept her occupied AND happy for almost 15min!

I'll try to get back and update with my progesterone levels and outcome of this cycle early next week. It's kind of defeating to keep coming back here to say "Not this time" or "Crap short cycle/LP again." While I'd really prefer it to end with 2 lines, I'd be pretty stoked with 10-12d for a LP. Besides, next cycle would mean an August tidbit, and that would be friggin' rad- no birthday month sharing!

Another Strike Out

A swing, and a miss!

Started yesterday after light spotting all morning. Of course, I just thought (hoped) implantation bleeding. AF made sure I knew she meant business this morning!

The stats for this cycle are pretty much the same as last, except O was at cd17 instead of 20, making this cycle only 24d long. As an attempt to keep things positive, one good thing about a short LP is you don't have to wait 2 full weeks for the disappointment!

This is the last cycle I have a script for Letro.zole. After this, I have to go back to the RE for a re-consult. Not entirely sure how that's going to go. Most likely, he'll say I need to fully, FULLY wean. I just don't know if I can do it... She just nurses for comfort, really, and just in the morning. As if TTC#2 wasn't hard enough.

Here's a cute picture of a 21m big girl who is finally letting us do her hair and keeping it in!