Busy Bee Sampler

Woohoo! Another post! And only 2.5wk between them... Oh well...

I figured that rather than a long, text-filled post, I'd join the photo bandwagon for a change and show you guys some of the things that I've been filling my time with these last few months, weeks, etc. You know, as proof that I haven't just been sitting on my (expanding) butt on the couch the whole time.

**WARNING: there are several baby and pregnancy related pics below. I've tried to group them as best I can if you need to skip on past them. I totally understand.**

Our still un-completed deck that was started in September.
Eventually, one day, we'll finish staining it, put up the last few rail spindles and do the benches...

Sparse Christmas decorations. Just a little bit for that holiday feel,
without all the work of a full on tree and exterior lighting.

Lots and lots of painting involved. And even more moving things from one room to
another and back again! Eventually, that will become an actual, usable closet and room!

I've written so many as you can see. That whole stack is blank...

 Oh and when I am on my kiester on the couch (Boy calls it my "fort"), I'm doing 1 of 2 things:

1) Internet-y things. Primarily, email, blogs, Face.book and P.interest. Lots and lots of pinning! (There is far to much good food and amazing crafts on that site!!) Oh and hunting for some awesome craigs.list finds for the nursery, etc.

This has probably been my best find/deal ever!
$50 and in great condition- original caning and finish.

2) Experiencing things like this:

The closest I'm going to come to posting a "bump" pic on here.
Enjoy my "beauty mark", scar, and wonderful linea negra!

Yeah... it's like a college dorm room in there - very little space but lots of partying! We've reached the "Countdown" stage. Just 1 month to go (ish) and hopefully the last 1.5yr+ will all have been worth it!

And if anyone is wondering, my weight gain reached about 30lbs total now. I've never been one to really gain or lose weight in any real amount, but to have put on 30lbs in pretty much 4-5m blows me away! To think, I was doubting that I could gain it when the Docs 1st told me. I don't mind the amount, and I'm sure it has all gone to my boobs, butt, hips, and of course belly. For being 8m pregnant, I'm feeling pretty good 90% of the time. Here's hoping that keeps through the holidays!

Post-shower Thought Dump

Ok, so it's been a week since my shower. A very busy, sleep-deprived kind of week.

So, overall, I'd have to say the shower wasn't all that bad. Awkward and uncomfortable at times, but not too horrible. There were points were I felt kinda lost and useless, standing/sitting around while other people were playing the games and getting ready, etc.

My SIL and friend really out did themselves, though. It was a good bit "theme-y" but at least the theme was fall/pumpkins and not something obnoxious like diaper pins/rattles, etc. I don't personally have any photos as I was a bit occupied putting on my smiley face and pretending that this is just a commonplace pregnancy and I don't have a care in the world. All the relatives over 35 that attended insisted on belly rubbings though. Definitely some of the awkward times there.

The food was really good and was predominantly made by the friend-that-helped-decorate's boyfriend. Yum! I just mostly grazed. The anxiety kinda killed my appetite. I experienced most of the food as leftovers that SIL insisted we take home. Left-overs included about 1lb of meatballs, a pint of spinach dip, a quart of chicken and grape salad, 1 dozen cupcakes (mostly carrot cake, but a few chocolate ones too), brownie "cake" pops, misc candies and some pretzels.

Games weren't too horrible. There was the obligatory "How big is my belly" game, a diaper raffle, and "guess the mystery baby items". I prefaced the belly sizing game with the fact that I won't hold it against anyone if they make their length of "belly tape" crazy long. I'm not huge and I know it. I'm comfortable with my size so a silly piece of plastic that is 5ft long isn't going to send me into hysterics, hiding in the bathroom. Two people tied for the game though. My super-fertile friend from work with the practically 1yo little girl who is my cloth diaper mentor and my friend E who is (still) TTC and recently started going to the RE practice that we saw. I really wanted E to get the prize b/c Fertile Friend won the diaper raffle. Unfortunately, SIL had a guess the number tie-breaker instead. It was fair, but I really wanted E to have won! I got to keep all the baby items from the Mystery game which I not too surprisingly got all of them correct when we did the answers.

Then it was presents time. Holy freaking Cow! I have never opened that many gifts at any one point in my entire life before. Not even for our wedding! It was like a never ending pile of gifts and cards and tissue paper! We got some awesome stuff from our registry. Lots of practical items (which I love!). We even had a few crafty friends and families make us some things like a bib, onesie, pants/sweater outfit and blanket. I almost cried at those, but was able to hold it together. My MIL even brought the travel system she purchased for use, assembled and all. She out did herself b/c she even got it in the color I truly fell in love with, but couldn't find a link for anywhere but the maker's website. Sneaky husband apparently had a hand in that.

And then it was time that things were wrapping up. Holy crap again! It had been 3.5hrs! All in all, there were about 20 people there (10 of which were relatives). I didn't expect so many people to show up at all! As the Boy said, "Guess people actually really like me" (or they just really like things baby related). It was awesome having the Boy there the whole time, even if he wasn't actively participating or spending time with many people.

I can't remember if it was that evening or the next day, but I sent E a message to let her know how greatly I appreciated her attending and how much it meant to me. She said she had a great time and loved it. She is a better woman than I because I know how hard and sucky showers are when you keep getting met with disappointment in your own baby-endeavors. On top of that, she has just started her period a few days earlier. Bless her heart, she has such a better outlook on things than I did at that point. I keep thinking about it, and when the time comes (hopefully soon), I think I will offer to throw E a shower...

So grand summation of the baby shower - Not bad and almost enjoyable, but makes me really glad I only had 1 big shower and not several of medium showers (like my 2w-behind me friend whose 4th shower is this afternoon). Sure, you'd get more things that way, but that is sooo not my cup or tea! I just enjoyed having all my family and friends there supporting us and being excited for us. It also kinda lit a fire under my bum to get things cranking away in preps for baby. We had started painting the nursery, but last weekend upped the gears a bit. As I type this, the room has 2 coats of the 2 primary colors, and I'm about to start on one of the accent stripes. Also, I've gone through some of the items we've received previously and sorted/organized them as well. We still have quite a ways to go... 7w should be plenty of time for that, right? Especially with Thanksgiving and Christmas tucked in there...

List of things left to do for nursery:
Buy/decorate baby dresser
Assemble crib once my parents drop it off
Get a chair of some sort
Hang new light fixture and curtains
Make previously said curtains
Wash and put away all baby clothes, etc
Organize all other baby items (diapers, bottles, etc)

For my next post, I think I'm going to show you guys all what things I've been keeping myself busy with these last few weeks/months (and how none of them are completed). Maybe I'll even have a pic or 2 of the nursery, painted at least. Not sure if I'll be able to get that up before Thursday, in which case I want to say "Happy Thanksgiving" to all of you in the US! Those of you not in the States or not celebrating Thanksgiving, I still invite you to stuff your faces full of delicious foods and lounge around as much as possible!

Pre-shower Thoughts

(Hey! A post 2 weeks in a row!)

So...

Yeah...

Tomorrow is the big day.

MY baby shower.

That just sounds so odd and crazy. Surreal and unreal. But that's what my Goo.gle calendar says and the little invitation on my cluttered "desk" in the kitchen leads me to believe. My mom and dad are on their way down here to spend today and tomorrow with us. According to my previously-PG SIL, 20 people have RSVP'd.

TWENTY. TWO. ZERO.

That seems like a ton of people to me! Sure 10 of them are just our family, but still... I guess people actually like me. That or they just like free food and talking babies. I think it's a coin toss there. We have already received a few gifts by mail for those that are unable to attend due to distance. It's kinda scary how much baby stuff is in our house right now and how much will be here by the end of tomorrow.

So I really want to explore my thoughts and feelings pre-shower and then compare them with post-shower. I feel very strange about it all. I'm a bit more apprehensive than I think most moms-to-be are about it. I hate being the center of attention and having a huge fuss and deal made over me. I don't know how comfortable I'll be talking about my pregnancy and baby plans etc with people. I'm far more relaxed to talk about our infertility than our current success for some odd reason. There's also the fact that practically everyone has advice and recommendations about these last few weeks and beyond. While I appreciate that they are trying to "help", I'm just taking things as they come. We don't so much have a plan as we have "preferences" (thanks to our birth class teach for that term!). Our journey this far has taught me that nothing is predictable, and you really can't plan life. It does what it wants for the most part and you just have to roll with the punches.

Also, I'm worried that lots of people are going to try to be touching my belly at the shower. This totally weirds me out, big time! I love touching my belly. I love the Boy touching it. I'm awkward with our parents touching it. I haven't had anyone else try to touch it, so I don't know how I'll respond. I really don't want to punch someone when/if they try to rub it. I think that would make me a horrible honoree.

The Boy keeps telling me just to think of it as we'll be getting lots of free stuff from people. True, but I feel odd when people give and buy things just for me. I keep trying to think of it more as them doing that for Baby and not me, which helps some. It is still weird for me to think that people are buying stuff and getting all excited for this giant lump in (on?) my abdomen. Plus, it brings me back to the belly-touching phobia.

My ideal shower would be more like a cook-out get-together. People just come over and hang out and talk about anything and everything. There are dudes and chicks, food and drinking and just general good times being had. There would be no "games" and no really decorations. No cutesy and froo-froo items or activities. Just chilling and "Oh yeah, I happen to be pregnant" in the background. While I didn't have my SIL label the shower as co-ed, guy are free to attend if they wanted. Shockingly, none of the male counterparts want to attend! If I had said co-ed, I think some of them may have been guilted into coming by their Sigs. I'm well aware that 99.99% of guys do NOT want to be at baby showers. And I totally understand why. They are the same reasons why I do NOT like being at baby showers! Far too many females talking about babies, being pregnant, getting pregnant, those looks of "Honey, don't you just want (another) one of those?" and "How cute is X, Y, Z!" Those things translates into "Blah blah blah blah blah" and "Warning! Danger! Danger, Will Robinson" to most guys.

Lastly, I think the shower brings up a huge fear, one I'm sure that most women that have battled infertility have. What if we get all this stuff and everyone is all excited and worked up, but there doesn't end up being a baby at the end? What if something happens between now and coming home from the hospital? What do you do with all the baby stuff that has filled your house and life? That and it is starting to make things far too real for me. It seems to no longer be "This is cute for a baby" and "Baby would like that". Things are morphing into "Baby will be using this" and "Baby will be wearing these" and "Baby needs this and that".

Sh!t is gettin' real, yo! We are both starting to get really excited about it all. I'm actually giddy about a few things. Plus, I'm starting to plan and get ahead of myself with things. Things like Maternity leave. We've been putting off most of the post-birth necessities like finding a Pediatrician and figuring out child-care for when I go back to work. Now, we are feeling the crunch to get these things done; the pressure of the limited amount of time until they are going to be needed. All that keeps making that big FEAR pop up in my head more and more.

I'm sure that these feelings are completely normal given everything to date, but it sucks. I'd really just love to be able to let myself get and stay excited. Stupid loss and IF! Well, Here's to the home stretch!!

** I wrote this all up yesterday, but forgot to hit post! Thank you auto-save!

Distance Does Make the Heart Grow Fonder

Sometime I've realized after my last post:

I super-duper miss blogging. Lots.

I really wish I posted more. I love the connection, camaraderie, and commenting (both the leaving and the getting). I know it should be just as easy as writing more posts, more often. But it really isn't.

There is a lot going on in my life right now, but no more than in other peoples. I think my day to day stuff is pretty boring really. Not much to talk about regarding the going-ons.

I've notice my constantly decreasing drive and interest to super/over-achieve at work. "Good enough" seems to be my new methodology. An 8 or 9hr day is plenty in my book, and I'm reserving longer hours for only the days that crap HAS to get done. Things and people are just irritating me too much to put a lot of effort and energy into things there.

My parents have made an offer on a house 10min down the road from us. It's been accepted. They just had the inspection, which came back pretty good - only minor repairs, and will be closing at the end of November. We sorta have mixed feelings about this but overall are pretty happy about it. Not really enough angst or anything to dedicate a full post.

And there is always the baby stuff. 3rd trimester. Less than 10w to go. Half way through our birth and childcare education classes. But for the most part there really isn't any news to report. Ob appts are pretty generic most of the time. I'm gaining weight. Heart rate, BP, and urine are all good. Baby sounds good. Passed my glucose tolerance tests (yak!). I just don't think this is the right outlet to chronicle and go into details about all the little things of pregnancy right now and baby activity, etc. I know the last thing I wanted to read about when I was still going through treatments and trying was how uncomfortable or large someone was feeling and how "baby does this" or "that". If ya'll want all those details, by all means, let me know! Otherwise, I'll just leave you with the knowledge that my little tyke is very comfortable inside and seems to regularly have some sort of crazy rave parties that the Boy and I get to witness frequently.

I was talking to a grad student from another lab at lunch earlier this week, and she pointed out something very poignantly. "You know, you have been very different about your pregnancy than most people. I haven't heard you complain much or anything. You just seem to get on with it. You always seem to be happy and good. I never would guess that you've not felt well at any time." It's true. I just get on with it. There are things that come with being pregnant that are expected. Why complain to everyone about feeling a bit queasy early on or "uncomfortable" later? Call me daft if you will, but those things are intrinsic to being pregnant. I am so grateful to be here right now that I can't and don't feel the need to groan and moan about little things that I was aware happen in pregnancies.

Ya know... thinking about it, I'm kind of a pregnancy rebel here:
Not finding out the sex
Late on the prep (registry, nursery, etc)
Not complaining about it all

I'm the freaking John Mc.Cain of pregnant - a Maverick if you will. That or I'm just like every other infertile that is so freaking appreciative to be able to get and stay pregnant that things like gender and a nursery are just icing on the ice cream-filled, sugar and chocolate laden cake.

Maybe I'll just force myself to make time for small little posts. I do miss this space a lot...

Random Run-down #3

Yikes! Has it really been practically 3 weeks since my last post? Somebody smack me around a bit and get my butt into gear here!

There hasn't been a whole lot to say about any one particular thing so I'll just do a quick rundown with some bullet points.

• Life is still a bit frazzled here. Lil sis has moved out, but my dad is still staying with us ~3d a week. That will soon be changing, as my parents are under contract to buy a house less than 10min away from us, but likely won't close or move until after Thanksgiving and into December.

• Holy moley, I'm 30w pregnant! Some how the 3rd trimester crept up on me... just over 2mo and hopefully, we'll be bringing home a baby. I've also started the every 2w appt at the Ob's office. I wonder if they'll be doing a growth scan and all these other things I hear other women talk about their practices doing?

• It's freaking getting cold! It is too early for lows in the 30's and frost/freeze warnings here! I shouldn't have to turn the heat on in October! The cooler temps have been nicer for sleeping though.

• Speaking of sleeping, I wish I could. I need to learn how to fall back to sleep anytime I wake up for a bit at night. Taking 20-30min to drift off again each time is getting old, fast.

• The baby shower the SIL is planning/throwing for me with help from my mom and lil sis is less than 2w away. Not sure how I'm feeling about it... I'm kinda starting to have to resign myself to people fussing over me... The following weekend is the shower for the friend who had the surprise pregnancy due 2w after me. It will be her 4th shower for this child. Does that seem absurd to anyone else?

• I've made it this far without any random stranger(s) touching me or the belly. It's only been in the last month or less that people in line places, etc seem to realize and comment on me being pregnant. Let's hope the hands-off continues for the next 70d or so.

• We have still not done a thing for the nursery. Actually, I take that back. We picked out the 2 main color swatches, not just color group. Glid.den's Fresh Guacamole and Beh.r's Pastel Jade. That is the extent of our progress. Someday we'll clean the room out, actually paint it, and maybe even put some furniture in there.

• The little tyke is a mover and a shaker. It's a bit surreal (and freaky) to watch my abdomen contort like it does. Thankfully, I have a polite fetus that doesn't wake me up at night with movement or kicks to the ribs (at least not yet). Now if only my hips would be as cooperative...

• We are 95% complete with the deck. It is all built and railings are up. Just need the slats put on the step-side rail and to finish staining it all. At least it is usable and such now. Maybe I'll take a pic of it and post soon, if I can talk myself into to doing so without the project being totally complete...

• We started childbirth classes 2 weeks ago at the hospital I'll hopefully be delivering at when the munchkin decides it's ready. It's an interesting collection of people in our class to say the least. I apparently have over-researched all this stuff, because I often feel like one of the few people there that seem to know what things are, what terms mean, and all. Oh, and there is 1 other couple out of the other dozen that are waiting to find out gender as well. Coincidentally, they are also C and C W. That just tickled me!

I can't think of much else to say just now. Life has just been moving on, day by day. I have discovered the wonder that is maternity leggings and husband shirts. Other than that, my animals have been stinkers and either peeing on the floor (evil male cat) or shredding whatever they can get their slobbery traps on (Mazzy, Cricket, I'm looking at you two here!).

I hope everyone else out in blog land is doing at least ok if not great. I'm still reading and rooting for you all! Take care and hold onto hope!

Blogland Spectator

There is something I've been feeling super guilty about the last few months. People say I shouldn't, but I can't help it.

I've been a Blogland Spectator.

I read the posts that Blogger and Google send to my Reader everyday (or other day) or so, but sadly that is about it. I comment here and there. Post something sporadically. But mostly, I've been a ghost around the blogosphere.

I wish I could say there was a good reason. Honestly, though, there just isn't one that I feel is justified. Sure, we've been busy, but I've been busy before and was still able to keep pace. Part of it is still that lack of interest in the internet. Some of that is due to some lovely pregnancy-related vision issues and reading things for any considerable amount of time.

I fear that it might be coming off as "I'm pregnant and have far more important things to busy myself with than IF and blogs." That isn't at all the case.* I've actually felt more attached and involved with ya'll's cycle outcomes and news than before being pregnant. It's probably the hormones, but I find myself crying tears of joy at the good news and tears of sadness at  disappointment, loss, and heartache right alongside you.

Sometimes, I just can't think of a comment to write. "Sorry" and "Yay" seem like such lackluster statements to post on such monumental and personal entries. Plus, I feel they seem even more hollow coming from someone that is sailing along in pregnancy.

I am really sorry for my lack of presence these last few months in the IF blogosphere. I wish I could promise that it will change soon, but if I'm being honest with myself and you, I don't see it happening thanks to the impending holidays and hopefully, a take home baby. Just know that I am reading your words and that you have my support and shoulder as you continue in your struggles and in your successes. I am thinking of you all and wishing you nothing but the best and happiness!


*I have done next to ZERO to get ready for a baby or anything like that. Call me slack. The only pregnancy/baby related things I've accomplished is starting a registry at Targ'et (@ 25w - which is apparently unheard of and crazy late to most people) and confirmed a date with previously PG-SIL for the shower she's offered to host for me. That is absolutely it. My younger sis is still in the future nursery room site. No furniture has been purchased or assembled. Paint colors haven't been selected (other than just general shades). I've been delinquent on pretty much everything that isn't our back deck or work.

I'm No Superman

No woman is an island (even if are feeling like you are large enough to be one).

It has taken me 28yrs and 6m being pregnant to realize that, sometimes, even I can't do it all. I still try. Oh boy, do I still try!

Asking for help has never been easy for me. It always feels like I'm admitting defeat. That I'm incapable of doing something. I know a large part of this is due to frequently being underestimated in my abilities by others. How on earth could a small, little female like me be able to do (fill in the blank) ? So I overcompensated. to show them that not only CAN I do it, I can do it better than they can. This worked well for me for a good number of years. Plus, this kept others from not meeting my exacting standards for things. If there was one thing I could say I honestly hate, it is having to go behind other people to do thing correctly or to fix their half-effort attempt.

It has taken me years to relinquish control of several household chores to the Hubs. Call me crazy, but I use to prefer to do all the laundry, dishes, 90% of the household cleaning, all because our definitions of clean were... different, to say the least. Slowly, I let him help where and when he offered. Mostly because I ended up not having time between going to school full-time and working about 30hrs to do much of anything at some points. A semi-clean house was miles better than a not clean house, right? Eventually, I put him in charge of a few chores and he was openly welcomed to help with anything else he wanted to do around the house. There was no way I could keep up with keeping things clean between the 2 of us, the 2 cats, and the 2 (adorable) fur explosions we call dogs while working ~50hr a week.

Queue pregnancy.

The 1st trimester, I was so worn out to be much good at anything. That and the constant nausea prevented me from doing any chores that had even a slight odor. The Boy was stellar here. Sure, our house wasn't spick and span, but it was passable and liveable. Once the nausea and utter fatigue passed/lessened, I was back to doing more. (I'll admit here that I didn't pick up all the things I was doing before. Hey, it was pretty nice not having to do all the cleaning and sitting around instead).

The 2nd trimester, I've been more involved. Not just with household cleaning. I've been back to helping with all the projects around the house, doing more at work. It feels great to have energy to do things, even if I tend to overdo them just a touch. I no longer feel delegated to the sidelines.

Except, that's where people keep putting me or at least trying. Now that I'm "noticeably" pregnant, sure people are nicer to me and are offering their help left and right, but they are also pretty quick to try and prevent me from doing things. Oh no you don't! I may be pregnant, but that doesn't mean I'm disabled. I can still do lots of things, even some manual labor. For the most part, I just have to modify how I do thing. However, there are things that I admit I can no longer do at all (Goodbye, heavy lifting and repetitive bending over). But all their objections and coddling has kicked my "I'll show them" overcompensation into overdrive.

Exhibit A: The last month of my life - At work, things have picked up for me. I have had the usual lab work, no problem, additional (and time demanding) tissue culture for a collaborative project, and that manuscript/paper I've been making figures for and writing. At home, I've been involved as much as I could in the demo of our old deck, the construction of the new, larger one, and all that goes with it. The build ended up being more involved and took longer than we initially thought. Now that the platforms are fully constructed, we've been trying to work on the staining and railing construction, when the weather decides that it isn't going to try to wash us all away. I haven't had a weekend off this whole month. The one weekend where I wasn't doing work or home stuff, we hit the beach for a impromtu family reunion of sorts as Hubs' brother and family flew in for a week from California. We hadn't seen them all in about 2yrs, and hadn't meet the youngest niece at all! While it was tons of fun, I wouldn't call staying in a house with 8 other adults and 5 kids (4 were under 4yrs) super relaxing.

Oh, and I've forgotten to mention that my younger sister is still staying with us, and now my dad has started his new job in the area, (but due to his several days on and off schedule that makes it difficult to rent a place cost-effectively and older vehicle) stays the night at our place as well on work nights.

In the last 2 weeks, I've made next to no progress on that paper writing. I had to keep pushing back when I said I'd hand it over to the boss. It was defeating me. I didn't want to give into it, so I kept struggling. Add in crazy hormones to that frustration and you get an awesome meltdown. I realized, between my snotting and sobbing over failing at everything, that I just have taken too much onto my plate. I just can't do it all. At least, not right now. If I wasn't in my current "condition", I could probably make some serious progress staying up later and pushing myself a bit more. Right now though, that isn't a viable option. I sleep poorly as it is, so all the rest I can get is desperately needed. It just isn't healthy or a good idea to strain myself that much at the moment. I wouldn't be the only one suffering.

What's a Type A, over-achiever to do? I squeezed into my big girl panties and sucked it up. I met with the boss man and let him know that I'm not getting anywhere on the paper due to not having time outside work hours and no time during them without letting other work suffer. It was a bit of a relief, but I still almost cried. He was super understanding and asked if I wanted his help with the paper. He didn't want to take it away from me as he felt I should have ownership of all aspects of that project. But if I wanted, he would be willing to finish it for me. Part of me still felt like a failure, throwing in the towel. He understood that too. He's a classic over-achiever as well. He did admire my choice of self and family over work a bit. Apparently, if he could go back, he would like to change how often he worked instead of spending more time with his family.

I know this is just the start of me needing to let things go and start asking for help more regularly. It's creeping into all sorts of corners of my life. More and more, I've had to ask the Boy for help getting up from certain positions and to carry things that I previously could. I know I'm going to need a lot more help with little things and big things as time ticks by and I get bigger. Oh and definitely if/when the baby comes.

It's dawning on me that just because I can't do every little thing myself, it doesn't mean I'm incapable or worthless. Just human. And pregnant.