Roller-coasters

Life has been a series of roller-coasters since the holidays.

The weather has been going up and down, up, way way down and back up. It's super annoying and gives me short lived joy at the thought of a warmer winter. The worse was last week, or was it the week before, where we went from highs almost in the 70s to a high of 22 (low was in the single digits), all in the span of a day or 2. I know it's not that obscenely cold as many parts of the US (and world) are colder and snowier than that for months at a time. But NC is the South. The South isn't suppose to get that cold!! Plus, I'm irritated that we have to keep light jackets and heavy coats out and accessible because who knows which you'll need tomorrow!

On top of the weather, work has been something else. I was (am) working on a collaborative paper that has been in the works for over a year and a half now, almost 2yrs. It was so annoying to have to go back to revisit data from 2+yrs ago, even more-so due to the fact that it was spread across 2 diff computers as my old work computer died out and all my data was transferred to 2 different location and not all of it was reloaded on my current computer. Plus, a co-worker that is also one of the lead authors keeps adding and requesting new things to it. I can't write at work because of other co-workers always asking me petty little questions or mentioning trivial things, nor can I write at home as I have a 2yr old who I'd rather spend time with than write and a home that does need to be cleaned and chores needing to be done at some time. Blah. The new hire is doing a bit better, but I still find myself having to repeat and re-explain things. Maybe it has to do with that age group? I don't know, but it is super irritating and annoying.

Works not been all negative, as my boss has been pretty appreciative of things, and I feel like I've accomplished a good bit by the end of the year. Plus, work was closed from Christmas eve through New Year's day. That was 10d with Em, and they were mostly fun times! As usual, all my Christmas shopping was almost last minute. My favorite gifts were for my mom and MIL- painted handprint Santas and footprint Christmas tree and penguin with cornstarch dough. Em had a blast making those! Christmas itself was nice minus 2 things- SIL was very annoying, irritating and self-centered and Em threw the biggest tantrum of her life Christmas day. For the 1st time ever, we had to soothe her by driving around the neighborhood at 10:30 at night to get her to stop screaming and settle down to sleep. Oh man, it was something else. The rest of Christmas day was beyond fun with her though!

Of course, just for fun and just in case, I POAS Christmas morning. Not surprisingly, it was negative. No Letro.zole rx, so late ovulation on cd21. I was only 5dpo. Way, way too soon for anything to show up. Not that I thought that cycle would work any way. Here's where the super-duper stressful roller-coaster begins, think along the lines of those huge wooden, rattly, old ones...

Since I used up my Letro scripts and needed to do a reconsult to get it filled, I deferred until after the holidays as I couldn't stand to have more bad news like we did back in 2010 just before Christmas. On top of that, TTC#2 has just been wearing me down. I was thinking of taking a hiatus and revisiting TTC at some point in time later in 2014. I just wasn't feeling the excitement or hopefulness of it anymore. I was getting to the point of complacency and just going through the motions. Did I even want a 2nd kid at this point? Em's pretty freakin' awesome and I love her to absolute pieces, so I don't think I'd feel incomplete or anything. Our finances are much less than ideal currently so and additional kid in daycare plus needing a new car to fit 2 carseats in would be adding new strain on our already lean bank account. I was tired of all the stress, tracking everything of my cycle, peeing on things, waiting, disappointment, more waiting. Blah...

CD10 rolls around and as I've not had any single symptom one way or another- no PMS but no nausea, adversions, headaches, nothing- I decided to POAS that was laying around under the sink that evening. Of course, it would be negative!

But it wasn't.  How on earth did that 2nd line get there! Also, the RE's office was closed for non-emergent appts. My Ob's office was able to fit me in for a beta and progesterone draw, and told me only after I had been there and completed it, that it would be about 2-3 business days. -.- (no other way to express it than that emoticon). Oh and did I mention that I only had 3 more suppositories? Yeah, had to get that rx filled as well, but thankfully, the compounding pharmacy was still opened and actually had some in stock!

I told Hubs that evening (hey, I held out a full 24hrs this time!) with a card and a test. Then we headed out for some NYE festivities. Really great timing there as I really could have used a night of inebriation! Here's the quick run down of the next 7 days:

Thursday, 1/2- beta and progesterone at REs - hCG 84, p4 was 17
Monday, 1/6 - repeat draws at RE's- hCG 631, p4 still at 17. Ob calls with 1st draw results- hCG 25 and p4 13.2
Wednesday, 1/8- another repeat draw- hCG 632- Also, Em turned 2!!
Thursday, 1/9 another draw to check if it was lab error or something was wrong.-Not ectopic, was even a bubble in my uterus and hCG came back at over 1,600. Follow up u/s scheduled for Thurs the 16th.

Then, we focused on Em's little family get together birthday celebration. She had fun, got some great stuff and did fantastic with a real cake, real candles and ice cream even!

Carrot cake w/ cream cheese icing is great for hair styling!

 Thankfully, other than being cold and rainy, the next 7d were rather uneventful. We went back on Thursday and had the repeat u/s, at ~5w6d. That little bubble, had grown into a yolk sac and there was the start of a fetal pole even. We head back again this coming Thursday to confirm the presence of a heartbeat (at ~6w6d, it should be there).

Thankfully, my only symptoms are tiredness, a bit of bloating, and the appetite of a teenage boy. Not sure I would have been able to handle all that stress and worry on top of all day nausea, headaches and overall blahs like I had with the last 2 pregnancies.

My EDD is 9/12, my BIL bday, and that would make 9 September birthdays between our families if everything works out as "normal". Yup, another September baby- the one month I had hoped to avoid. Looks like my secret to success is to try treatment for a few months, give up hope but still "try" half-heartedly, expecting utter failure.

It took me almost a week to decide to write and post this. It's weird knowing that I'm pregnant, without feeling like it or really expecting it at all. It feels a bit disconnected from me. But maybe that's what happens when in the course of a week you go from deciding not to keep TTC (or take a break), find out your pregnant, have crazy doubling hCG levels that then stall, leading you to fear either an ectopic or loss of a potential twin, to everything looking alright. All I know is that the next 8m had better be a lot smoother. Good thing this is the last baby as I don't think I could handle TTC, the worry and anxiety of TTC and being pregnant after IF and loss one more time.

So Over This All

November can suck a nut. It pretty much came in horrible and is going out with AF starting.

The Hub's grandma wasn't doing well when the month started, so our weekend trip just to visit became saying goodbye. I'm glad we had planned on going as she passed while we were there. I'm also glad as Em helped take his mom's mind off of things a little bit, a pleasant distraction for her. We headed back 3d later for the funeral.

Work has been harried to say the least. Between being in and out for family related items and training the new person, I'm beat. On top of all of this, I've had to do my own stuff, new things that continue to pop up, new deadlines, and trying to write a friggin' paper for a study we completed ages ago. It's been wearing me down all month.

I need a break.

I was hoping I'd be rewarded for being supportive of family, getting things done, and it being the start of the holidays. Earlier this week, I was feeling run-down, kinda sick and nauseous. I was also beyond irritated and emotional with the trainee as she didn't have a clue what she was doing even though she'd been taken through the protocol at least 2 if not 3 times prior. Monday night even had me there past 7p, and that was late enough that I missed out on spending time with Em before she went to bed that night. I was crushed! I sucked it up and kept thinking that whole Kharma thing should kick in eventually.

I was spotting yesterday at 9dpo. Implantation, maybe? I had a barely there positive with Em by this point and a similar bleeding/spotting with the m/c at 11dpo. Maybe, just maybe...

Hahaha. No.

Not to be wholey negative, there are several things I can be thankful for at this time. Good news, though, is that O was on cd15 and 9d LP is better than 7d and definitely 3d. Also, Hubs is great, for the most part. And I will always be thankful for Em each and every day. She's had a bit of a language explosion the last week or so. New words are flying out left and right from this girl! She is such a trip- silly, sweet, cute and her new thing of giving me hugs, pats and kisses melts my heart!

We also put up light and the tree today, which she was completely crazy about.

4th Time's the Charm?

I was correct. That cycle was a bust as well. Good news is that I wound up with an 11d LP. That in and of itself is pretty friggin' exciting for me. Maybe since that's about where I was with the treatments before conceiving Em, things may work out next? I'd be fine with an August munchkin.

My FNP at the Ob/Gyn office approved my draw for prog. levels. Got the call back on Monday. It was 8. Not great, but almost normal for an un-medicated cycle and about what it was the 1st time I had it measured in 2010. I may or may not get it check this cycle.

I've refilled my last cycle of Letro.zole, bought 2 boxes of feminine products (they were on sale and in hopes that being over-prepared means I won't need them), and my progesterone refill was ready the day I started. I'm all set for a hopeful positive in about 25d. Strangely enough, I should be finding out if this last hurrah for the year before revisiting the RE was successful right around Thanksgiving. That would be something I would be enormously grateful and thankful to get.

Somewhat Good News

3.
Then 6.
Then 7.
Now, 8 and counting!

My LP is slowly becoming longer, most likely thanks to the Letro and progesterone supps. Since I was able to make it to (and past) 7dpo, I took my NP's offer to come in and have my "cd21" levels check. Two things about this irked me, though.  First, they ask if I'm on cd21. Of course, I have to lie and say yes. If I came in on cd21, I'd be 3dpo and won't expect my prog # to be even remotely close to normal. Heck, it was only just over expect for a medicated cycle both times I had positive betas! Second, it took them almost all day to call me back, and started with their preference for scheduling these a day or 2 in advance. It's not really easy to explain to them that you didn't even know you'd be able to get your levels checked in the appropriate time range until the evening before or that morning. I really wanted to get snarky and tell the nurse on the phone "I gave you as much notice as I had in the matter." Not sure how well that would have flown...

In unrelated news, I've peed on just as many hpt sticks as days post-ovulation. I wasn't completely foolish; I waited until 3dpo to start... And took 2 a few of those days... This is so hard! I was so excited that I reached 8dpo this cycle, and with the knowledge that I was already feeling icky at this point with Em, it was a hard urge to not start testing. Plus, I've got like 30 of them sitting next to the toilet. Shockingly (or not), none of them have had more that a lone line on that stark white strip.

I don't think it is going to happen this month. For more reasons than there is no 2nd line yet at 8dpo.
a) My CM just started to change to fertile-like 2d prior to a +opt, not the usual 4-5d lead up.
b) Because of the short notice and the fact that my ovaries have it in for me, we only had one baby-making session in before I O'd the next day. At least my body is keeping with the "O 12-18hrs after +opt" pattern it was prior to baby...
c) I caught Em's cold and have been super congested all this week. I'm sure all the decongestants and mucus-fighting meds I've been taking aren't exactly creating a great environment for a developing embryo.

On a less Trick note, I'm going to share Em's Hallow.een costume. I bought it on clearance at Tar.get last year for $5. After doctoring it with some sleeves and a feather boa, all in, it was still ~$10 for a cute costume. And she LOVED it!

Cutest chicken ever!! Complete with "Baak, Baak", wing flapping, and beak pecking. This girl loves her animal sounds and movements. Carving the pumpkin was pretty fun, too. Squishing the insides was so much fun for this rambunctious toddler. It kept her occupied AND happy for almost 15min!

I'll try to get back and update with my progesterone levels and outcome of this cycle early next week. It's kind of defeating to keep coming back here to say "Not this time" or "Crap short cycle/LP again." While I'd really prefer it to end with 2 lines, I'd be pretty stoked with 10-12d for a LP. Besides, next cycle would mean an August tidbit, and that would be friggin' rad- no birthday month sharing!

Another Strike Out

A swing, and a miss!

Started yesterday after light spotting all morning. Of course, I just thought (hoped) implantation bleeding. AF made sure I knew she meant business this morning!

The stats for this cycle are pretty much the same as last, except O was at cd17 instead of 20, making this cycle only 24d long. As an attempt to keep things positive, one good thing about a short LP is you don't have to wait 2 full weeks for the disappointment!

This is the last cycle I have a script for Letro.zole. After this, I have to go back to the RE for a re-consult. Not entirely sure how that's going to go. Most likely, he'll say I need to fully, FULLY wean. I just don't know if I can do it... She just nurses for comfort, really, and just in the morning. As if TTC#2 wasn't hard enough.

Here's a cute picture of a 21m big girl who is finally letting us do her hair and keeping it in!

Another One Bites the Dust

Errrtt!

Next cycle.

I was feeling kinda hopeful this time too. After an almost normal (for me) O date, I had a lot more creamy CM than normal after ovulation. Then, on 4dpo, a tiny bit of pink was mixed in, at just one trip to the restroom, and only when I wiped. My heart skipped a beat thinking maybe implantation bleeding.

Nothing else on 5dpo. A tiny bit of red spotting before bed on 6dpo. Of course, at this point, I've been poas-ing at least once a day. I mean, the last 2 times I had a bfp a day or 2 after implantation, so the same should happen this time if that was what was going on. Plus, it was pink/red and not the usual brown spotting I would get pre-period.

It wasn't. Just another kooky loop my body decided to throw at me. At least this cycle was 27d rather than 90d. My LP did almost double from last time.

My take away from this cycle is that I seem to be heading towards better. Even though this was a medicated cycle, it was almost identical to my "normal."

And last but not least, I get another shot at a June baby. That's one plus side to this.

Another downside is how uncomfortable and achy I'm feeling. Plus, no alcohol in the house at the moment, and I'm too tired and worn down feeling to go out and get it. I barely was able to work up the energy and motivation to pick up my Letro.zole script refill to start tomorrow.

It should be "interesting" in  a few weeks time over here, seeing how this cycle will play out.

CD20

Well, looks like the Letro.zole is working. Not quite as well as it did pre-Em, but I'll take cd20 over cd90 any day!

A few things of note this cycle (and somewhat from last, too) (Lots of TMI to follow):

1- Leading up to O, I feel the need to pee more often. I normally nave no issue going most of the work day with out a trip to the loo, but around O late, it's every 2hrs, easy.

2- My cervix is not the same as it was before. Other than the opening being diff, the location and texture is way different. High is not as high as it was, nor is soft as soft. It also seems like rather than being at the end of the tunnel (so to say), it's a skylight towards the back. When it's low, it is almost touching the bottom side of things.

3- Holy EWCM!! I get it 3-4 days in a row and by the bucket loads. It practically vanishes as soon as I get that +opt though.

4- Speaking of pee sticks, I've been getting my +opt 1st thing in the morning. Before, it was later afternoon or evenings. And those sticks go from zero test line, to hint the day/evening before, to positive. No gradual darkening.

5- Em has learned that it is ok to pee on paper/sticks. And it's funny to try and stick stuff in the toilet while mommy pees.

6- I feel more uncomfortable and moody pre-O than I do pre-AF. I seriously sport a bump leading up to ovulation these days. The girly bits are rather swollen  and sore feeling too.

7- I'm just as worried about things not working out as I am about being successful.


I'll be picking up the lovely progesterone suppositories likely Tuesday afternoon/evening. Boy, and I looking forward to those. Here's to getting that June bug baby...

In the meantime, more gratuitous Em pics for your viewing pleasure. I can't believe this girl is 20m old, now! I don't think I can keep calling her a baby for long.