Busting?

Like I mentioned last post, I have a post up my sleeve that will be for Resolve's "Bust an Infertility Myth Blog Challenge." It's not too late if you'd like to also participate!

This post isn't it, but I saw this the other day on Pintrest and I just had to share it with ya'll!

 

 

 

Candy never comes out of my uterus! :(

I think this would be a great party activity for the infertiles of the world! "Mad about a failed cycle? Didn't ovulate this month? Suffering through an unwanted "visitor" this month? Grab a stick and beat the crap out of a uterus! Anatomically correct with cervix, fallopian tubes and ovaries! Take out your rage, frustration, and disappointment on this hand-crafted pinata!"

The maker recommends filling with your choice of candy and plastic babies. May I also recommend stuffing it with wads of cash, watches and red food coloring? You know, to represent the time and money that you've put into your reproductive parts, only to have your period.

I dove off the deep end

There is no turning back now. I'm out of the IF closet completely now.

I just posted this on FB:

I had a moment of hesitation before hitting post, but took a deep breath and clicked. This makes it pretty obvious after my previous posts what's been going on with us.

Now, I wait and see how people respond. I truly hope I get more outpouring of support and understanding from this than my other little blurbs. My end goal with this is not for people to feel sorry for me (or us) and to draw attention to myself. I really do hope this brings more awareness and understand to all the people I know on FB, especially family and friends. I want Infertility as a whole to have the support that I'm hoping my education through post brings to the general masses. Fingers crossed!

Stay tuned for more NIAW posts to come. I'll be participating the "Bust a Myth" challenge and will be thinking and talking about other ways to spread the awareness and understanding for our disease!

April ICLW

Hello All.

Welcome to IComLeavWe and to my humble little blog! I'm back to ICLW after taking March off. this last bit of April is going to be IF filled for me between ICLW and NIAW!

If you want the full run down of my IF journey, you can find it up in the menu there as "How did I get here?". Here's the Cliff's Notes version:

After being married for 5yrs and together 9yrs, we decided to add a furless baby to our family in June. I had my IUD removed and off we went! Then starts in the discovery of my luteal phase defect and sub-clinical hypothyroidism, the Boy's poor motility and low count, and a miscarriage in January. It's been a relatively short road, but a very bumpy and difficult one none the less.

I hope you enjoy reading (and commenting) and don't forget to visit all the other wonderful blogs this community and ICLW has to offer!

O & IVF?

Those 2 things don't really seem to fit together. As a local radio personality would say, they go together like "hammers and panties." Just like there is no crying in baseball, there is no ovulation in in vitro fertilization. Strangely enough though, they've both been on my mind the last 2 days or so.

The O is probably pretty apparent. I'm on cd20 today and had the usual EWs for a few days and then some serious pinches and pokes from my left ovary area. (I also had some discomfort on the right side, which accorrding to the RE's nurses, can happen with a large cyst at ovulation time.) My temp went up this morning, be it from O or from my puppy patient deciding she was up at 5am. I went back to sleep for 2 more hours before temping, so I'm hoping it is from O and not lack of Zs . To be honest, ovulation has been on my mind since my baseline u/s showed the cyst and prevented me from taking my ov meds this cycle. Will I ovulate? When? Will it work even without the follicle stimulation?

We'll find out those answers and more in approximately 12-14d!

Now onto why I've had IVF on my mind. A few nights ago, I had a dream that, while I don't remember much of the details, was pretty much an egg retrieval, but wholly unconventional in the location and such. Just out of hte blue like that. We haven't been discussing or even considering IVF so not sure where that popped in to my head.

Fast forwarding to today, I go to Resolve's website and end up clicking on the Support Groups info and wind up seeing what's local. I email the group organizer listed. Gmail pings me back and error message that the email address doesn't exist. Guess I should update Resolve on that matter. I take it upon myself to see about finding when, etc the group meets as the location is posted alongside the now defunct email address. It's held at a Women's Health center of a nearby hospital (or so says Resolve.org). I go to the center's webpage and look up support group listings. Unless they've decided to hide Infertility in the Cancer, cardiovascular, or other major illness category, it's not listed there.

Cue me entering "Infertility support group" into the hospital's search box. the 1st link leads me back to the Women's center, but this time to the Repro Endocrinology and IF page. What is posted there but a blurb and an link to an IVF study they are conduction about the efficacy of fertilization pre- and post-freeze/thaw. A benefit to participation is a discounted IVF cycle. While not a free cycle, a discount is better than paying full price! So I email the coordinator to get more info. She responds back just hours later! She fills me in on the requirements and people to contact regarding pre-participation consulting appt and financial info.

While I don't know if we'll participate or not at this point, I still want to collect the information. It is absurd to me how interested I am in this! We haven't even been TTC a full year (yet), and I'm almost salivating at the chance for a shot at a cheap IVF cycle. What the dealio!? Plus, I just freakin' ovulated! I should be dwelling on my 2ww and not the possibility of IVF! I should really be paying attention to all the twinges and aches and smells/tastes and crossing my fingers that this cycle is it and maybe we were able to conceive without much help. Yet, here I am. Already considering myself out at 1dpo, looking into the possibility of IVF... How bizarre am I?

Playing at Mommy

Cricket's surgery went well on Thursday. We dropped her off on Wednesday morning to get radiographs of her right knee. She stayed overnight, had the surgery, and stayed for recovery until Friday afternoon. Boy, was she glad to come home! Our other dog, Mazzy the lab mix, was happy for her to be home. She definitely missed her friend!

So this brings me to the post title. Cricket is going to require a lot of care as she recovers over the next 2 months. There is medication to give; feedings and waterings to observe. I'll need to take her to the bathroom, and help support her. The rest of the time she'll be sleeping. It's so very much like taking care of a baby.

I realized that while it is very demanding, it is rewarding as well. I love that she happily and sleepily wags her tail when I come to feed or walk her. She leans into my scratches and pets. I have so much patience with her. I feel protective of her, making sure that she is comfortable and as happy as she can be.

I feel maternal. And it makes me feel happy, sad, warm and empty, all at the same time. This is why I want a baby. I enjoy taking care of others. It not only makes me feel needed and loved, but I love that I am bringing them comfort and nurturing them. It warms my heart to know that I'm the reason they are happy and content. Their well-being was something I had a hand in. Seeing them resting peacefully makes all the difficulties and inconveniences worth it.

I'm a good wife and have taken care of my poor hubby when he's hurt or feeling under the weather. I taken care of all the pets at some point after an illness or accident. I have the experience under my belt. Now, I want the chance to do the same with my own child.

Lonely, but not alone

Ladies,

Thank you all for the support and understanding the past few days! I'm not sure why I'm in this mopey funk, but I'm glad to know that I'm not alone or crazy in feeling what I am.

It apparently isn't just sadness. I was tearing up reading ya'lls comments. I just felt overwhelmingly touched. I'm apparently over-emotional right now. It's ridiculous.

I almost cried talking to my boss today when he was complementing on doing my job so well and not causing any drama for him or HR, in light of the co-worker leaving today. Again, I was so touched that I almost teared up. I didn't even do that when talking with him about the miscarriage.

I'm thinking I'm just going to try and get all these tears out this weekend. We plan to just spend it in, cuddling with the pups and just enjoying our little "family" at the moment. We'll probably squeeze some yard work in there some where. It's going to be nice just focusing on us, so I think that would be a better setting for the "Big Cry "than having to work and function the day after. And no baby shower!

Wooooh, oooh, Feelings...

Mine have been a bit jumbled the last several days. I'm a hot emotional mess.

I see something cute or sweet online or in a movie/show - tear up.
I read a touching blog post - tear up.
I read/see good news - tear up.
Bad news - same.
If it can elicit an emotional response from a living being - tear up.

There aren't really raging hormones for me to blame it on as I haven't taken any hormonal supplements yet this cycle. Maybe it's just the accumulation of lots of little things?

Cricket had her pre-op blood work and radiographs today, surgery tomorrow, and pick-up on Friday afternoon. That's 3 days without my cuddle-bug. The post-maternity leave co-worker  decided to resign, but bumped up her last day to tomorrow. There's some finance stuff I'm concerned/worried about. And of course the obvious, infertility struggles and sensitivities there.

Apparently, write this post - tear up. I'm not sure what is up with me. Almost every trip to the ladies' room, I'm on the verge of tears in the stall. No reason. I find myself zoning out at work a lot more frequently these last few days, but no clue where my mind goes.

When I take some time and try to be introspective and try and sort through my feelings and emotions and what is their cause, all I come away with is I'm sad and I don't know why. I mean, sure, I could just take the easiest and obvious and say I'm sad because I'm not pregnant right now. That just isn't it though. It contributes, but not the reason for my blues.

The Boy, poor guy, was a sweetheart today. I sent him a text earlier warning him that I would be an emotional mine field this evening, most likely. I get home and instead of having to make dinner, he has some pizzas in the oven. He also picked me up not 1, but 2 cartons.- one of each of my 2 favorite ice creams at the moment. He even folded the laundry without my nagging him about it.

I'm so good at work "faking it to making it". Unless someone catches me unawares, they generally have no clue if I'm having a rough day or not. At home, I'm completely transparent. I can't seem to paste on the fake smile for the Boy. So all day, the co-workers get psuedo-smiley me, and he just gets mopey-frowny me.

Maybe is should just give in and have a good cry for no apparent, specific reason? I just hate crying. I'm an ugly crier. My nose and eyes go bright red and get swollen. My nose runs like a faucet. My voice gets thick and coarse. That's all within the first little bit. I wish I could say it just happens after a good, long boo-hoo session, but a few sniffles and tears is all it takes for my transformation. Unfortunately, it takes forever for it to settle down and return to normal appearance and any good cry leaves my face and head hurting.

This is not what I had in mind as I approach my (hopefully) fertile phase. It's a bit difficult to seduce a man when it looks like you've been maced, snot is streaming out your nose, and you sound like you just finished a pack of smokes. Plus, the slouchy, comfy clothes that I decide to wear don't have the same allure as lingerie or sexy outfits. Now, I could be convinced to cry more often if it had the same effect on CM and my boobs...