Step 3: Dive In.

Kinda going gung-ho on TTC# 2 a bit. I figured if I ordered a ridiculous number of opts and hpts that Murphy's law would have it that I wouldn't need to use many of them. I thought 60 opts and 30 hpts (as a bundle option) was respectable for such an attempt.

Opts, hpts and sperm pills, Oh my!

And since there were soooo many of each, and it's been a while since I've POAS, I took one of each.

Eerrr Eerrrrtt!

Anyone else surprised by this? I wasn't, but man, did it feel satisfying to do that again. I won't lie an say I wasn't hoping a 2nd line would appear on that hpt (blue one).

At this point, I'd actually be happy with a darker 2nd line on the opts. I'm not sure if it's the nursing, which is just in the morning and before bedtime, or if my body is just more screwed up now than it was before Em, but things are not happening. I'm at cd44 today. I had a bout of semi-fertile CM from cd15-19 (pre-Em "normal") and then nothing. Then again at cd34-37, with 2 days of EWish CM, even. And still nothing. Not once has those opts come close to being positive. Sigh...

I'm not really sure what to do at this point. I'm feeling on the fence about weaning fully, but to be honest, since cutting down on the number or times and amount she nurses, I don't think I'm really producing all that much milk. Plus, she's *finally* sleeping through the night and even going to bed pretty easily 9 times out of 10 these days (only took 17m). The girls just aren't filling the nursing bras anymore, even when feeling full-ish. I'm kind of sad to be losing them. Going from a 34A to a 34 full C was awesome! I'm choosing to ignore the 3wks where they were like DD mountains on my chest when my milk came in because that was just awkward. Now, I'm not quite back to my 34A, but my well-worn bummy bras that are probably equivalent to a 32B are fitting pretty great these days. I was really hoping to keep some of the boob growth, but doesn't look like it's in the cards.

But back to my lack of cycle. I can not, for my sanity's sake, keep having month and a half long or longer cycles. I don't know how women deal with this regularly. I know my 28-29d cycles pre-baby were not even close to textbook, but I knew roughly what to expect and could plan for the next month/cycle. Now, I'm completely lost and don't have any clue about what to expect or as it's currently going, not to expect. Maybe I should put a call into the RE? Not sure what he'll be able to do about it, though until I'm not longer breastfeeding.

Has anyone else had longer cycles post baby? Did they regulate eventually?

But to keep this post from being all ho-hum and Debby-Downer, here is some adorable Em!

Step 2: Pull the Safety Cord

Or remove the IUD. This was a psychically easy step, but psychologically, yikes! My BP was 118/78 (usually like 100/65) and heart rate was over 80. When I saw the NP put it in the waste bag, it felt like jumping off a cliff. I literally held my breath laying on the table.

The NP is the one that I saw back when we 1st starting and I noticed my LP was way too short. I love her so much as a healthcare provider! She asked if the RE did any baseline checks and if I wanted to have her do them. She checked what protocol he recommended and brought up the letro.zole and BF issue. She mentioned about weaning and that she didn't until she was 2m pregnant with her 2nd as she was exhausted b/n being pg, working and nursing just took too much out of her. She made me feel more comfortable about my decision to make it a mutual decision. We agree to have my thyroid level checked. She agrees with the RE that she'd like to see it under 2.

I scheduled my annual appt for July. She is so positive and enthusiastic. "Hopefully, you'll be pregnant by then!" We'll see, but as I have no clue what my cycle is actually doing at this point. Whether it is due to BFing (most likely) or the IUD masking beginning/end of cycles, I'll be finding out soon enough.

It's crazy to think that it was almost 3yrs ago that we started TTC#1. All eager, excited, and gung-ho! Naive. If only we knew... Better yet, if only it could be that way again. Sure, it was kinda scary going into the "unknown" but it was an adventure! Now, not so much the adventure. It's like walking through the a field that you previous crashed down a pitfall. You are looking for the dangers all around you. It may have just been that one hole that you were unfortunate enough to find the hard way, or they could be everywhere. It's terrifying!

Step 1: Put Your Junk in the Sample Cup

Well, the 1st step has been taken. I had made an appt with our RE to go over plans for starting TTC for #2 (April 16th). Scheduled a SA for the hubs for the 25th. The RE was set and ok with repeating what we did last time. Fem.ara/Letro.zole for 5 days and progesterone after O. Except, Em still nurses so I can't do the Letro.zole. I'm not quite ready to wean her, and she isn't anywhere close to it either. I couldn't live with myself if I weaned her before either of us are at that point. The whole "Mommy Guilt" would just kill me. I just can't take from her in the attempt to make her a sibling. So progesterone only until that happens on its own.

Er, at least until that happens after we've actually started trying. There's still that whole IUD removal thing I have to schedule.

But the SA has been completed. But as it was scheduled for a Thursday, I was responsible for taking it in before work as it is just up the road from my building. And up the road from daycare... I was that woman. I brought a baby to a fertility clinic. I'm not proud of it. I tried to keep her from the main waiting room and quiet. I just wanted to drop off the specimen and duck out. Leaving her in the car was not an option, and we were cutting it too close to the appt time to drop her off at daycare 1st. Although, even if we weren't, I'm not entirely sure I would have dropped her off 1st and left the cup in the car. Just as I did the 2 times prior, I tucked that plastic container into a warm nook the whole drive and inside the clinic until they asked for it. It was chilly outside, and I do what ever is in my power to keep those little guys in as ideal condition as I can.

Thankfully, it mostly paid off. While not completely "within normal range", things are acceptable and promising. Just take a gander yourself.

Compared to the 1st go round, this is great news! Now, onto step 2- IUDon't and then the scariest step, step 3- Actually trying. Well, if my cycle actually returns to normal prior to weaning, that is.

Also, strange thing, we got his results on Em's implantation anniversary. It's not something we celebrate, but there are important IF dates that I'm aware of each year since they occurred. That happens to be one of them. It's easy to remember as it was 2 days before my positive test.

Trying

I've been trying to work up the motivation to write. Actually, the motivation to do much of anything. Bah.I have the sneaking suspicion I may need to have my meds adjusted to see if that might help. I would call it depression, but it's definitely the Blahs. I'm also sure that it's at least partially due to poor sleep and work issues, primarily PG-co-worker.

After this, I don't think I'm going to invest any more time or effort into her. After several days deliberation and discussion with the Boy and some friends, I decided to have a "clearing of the air" chat with her. After several more days of working up the courage to start it, I waited until we had a semi-private moment and started. I stlarted with how I've distanced myself from her due to her pregnancy, for my own reasons that have nothing to do with her. I overcame that as I feel every mother needs support, especially in the beginning, and since we seem to fall in the same circles, I offered to be a resource for her. Only to get shot down. "I've already had most of my questions answered." Ouch. Then this weekend, I was at our local babywearing group meeting, which she was in attendance with her mom and husband. I came towards the end just to return a carrier, so when we made eye contact I smiled at her. Un-reciprocated. On top of all that, I overheard that she's not likely to return from her maternity leave, which she hasn't informed the boss about. AS she's done nothing by protocol with her pregnancy, I'm sure she's going to wait until the end of her 12w to let the lab know. Since she doesn't think I or the lab are worth her consideration and the effort we've put towards her, I'm done. I just can't take the rejection when I'm putting so much effort and swallowing a lot of feelings to do basic things for her.

Em is 15m now and just crazy. She is still working on those darn molars, but  one of her bottom lateral incisors came in finally. She's pick up an obsession with a pink Easter hat my sister got her. She loves to play and wear it as well as with her dad's hat and my sunglasses. Anything on your head is a "haut" to her. Best thing ever is probably that she's learned "hug" and "kiss." If we ask for a hug or for her to give one to someone or the animals, she gives them a sqeeze, lays her head against them and say "Awwww". Sometimes, she'll include a closed-mouth, almost slobber free kiss too. Melts my heart!

And in not so cute news, the little stinker has been sitting on the potty seat and has even used it a handful of times (all for dirty business). It's weird getting so excited for poop. Takes me back to house-training the dogs and applauding there bathroom habits out in the yard. Fun stuff.

And in non-toddler related news, I have an appt tomorrow afternoon. I scheduled a new consult with our RE to see about getting things set for TTC#2 come this summer/fall. The Boy's been taking the supplements for a couple of months now, so we are hoping that his swimmers are up to par once we actually start back. I'm excited, nervous, petrified, anxious, scared, and happy about this appt. I'm not sure what to expect from him, or if he'll think I'm putting the cart before the horse. My cycles just started back the other week. I haven't had mt Mir.ena removed yet. And Em's still nursing quite a bit. We just dropped the one afternoon session where I was visiting her at daycare. While we both enjoyed the time together, it was disruptive to both our days. It probably had a lot to do with the delay in my cycle returning too.

I'm hoping I might not have to go on the Fem.ara again. Not that it was bad, I'm just nor sure how safe it is for breastfeeding. I don't think we are ready to wean and I don't want to wean Em earlier than she's ready just to try and get pregnant again. That would be too much mommy guilt for me to handle. I would feel so selfish to put my wants over her needs. Especially if I wean her to try and it takes 6m or more, if at all. I guess I'll just have to hear what he thinks.

I'll leave you with some Emma cuteness, because, who doesn't like cute things?

Still Sick and Teething

I promise a real, and semi-cheerful post soon. One day, some day...

Em's on-again-off-again cold manifested as another ear infection. Joyfully, while we were out of town visiting family. Yay for urgent cares!

My month-and-a-half cold ended up presenting as a sinus infection and minor bronchitis. Yay for finally sucking it and going to see a doctor.

We are now both on antibiotics. I can finally breathe through my nose and not coughing all the time or hacking up phlegm. Em's well on the way to mending from her ear infection. Unfortunately, she's got 3 teeth on the verge of erupting, 2 of them are her 1yr molars. Poor thing just can't get a break. It's been a rough week for her.

I will be back when I have some "free" time in the evenings that doesn't involve nursing a teething toddler and have a bit more sleep under my belt (and less bags under my eyes).

In Sickness and in Teeth

So sorry for the radio silence!

Since my last post (my baby turned 1?!), it's just been crazy between work, home, being sick, and Em teething.

1st off was THE anniversary. The most awful anniversary ever. The whole week, I just felt this overwhelming dread and was intensely sensitive and emotional. I fluctuated between wanting to punch the Oops! Pregnant. co-worker in the face and bursting in to tears each time I saw her. I didn't realize until the 2nd why I felt that way. It occurred to me while I was telling Boy about wanting to switch up our Super Bowl plans as the last 2 years sucked (m/c and then last year find out SIL was pg). Ding! Light-bulb moment. Guess I'm still not over that...

Then Em got the crud going around daycare. Then I got the crud from her. I kicked the snot and congestion in a few days, but I still (2w later!) have the nagging cough and can't shake it. It sucks. I have had to cut almost completely out all forms of dairy and most wheat stuff due to phlegm and coughing until I about pass out. Not cool.  I even pulled a muscle at the bottom of my rib cage from a coughing fit. Boy caught the crud too, but after a few days of a stuffy, runny nose, good as new. Ugh, men.

And for the last month, Em's been working on teeth. Well, more accurately, the teeth are moving up, but nothing has broke through the gums. They are just these hard lumps and some swollen bits in her mouth. I'm thinking she's getting them all in a row at the starting line, then will open the gates and Bam! Tooth-splosion. I'm looking at the other 2 bottom incisors, possibly canines, and the 1yr molars. It sucks. She's gone from sleeping almost 6-8hrs straight in her crib, to waking up after 5hrs and then waking every 1-2hrs after coming to bed with us. Of course, it's pretty much just sick, run-down me that is being kept up from 3/4am each morning.

Work has sucked as well. I have the Oopsie! co-worker that not only is  shoving her huge belly in my face daily, she's also 1 step from being incompetent. She asks some of the dumbest questions and doesn't even take the time to try and figure or find things out for herself. "Sure, I'll stop this time critical protocol to help you figure out what to put on a label." Grrrr! I'm not sure if I've mentioned it here, but she is seriously naming her kid Jack Spar.row. Specifically, after the PotC character. Oh, and she plans to nickname him Captain.... Ugh. And it's been just really busy with deadlines and surprise samples and projects cropping up, not to mention the hand-holding I have to do in training a new grad student that is rotating through the lab. So I have to coordinate her work and teaching her, do my own lab work, ordering (that people forget to tell me we are running low on things until we are practically out), and taking care of dumb and trivial crap for other lab members.

I'm sick, tired, irritated, and run-down. I promise that I'll have a happier post soon. I have tons to fill ya'll in on regarding non-work life, Em's new skills and abilities, and the excitement and fear that is contemplating TTC#2.

12 months = 1 year. Whoa...

Holy cow... When did this happen? How do I no longer have an infant, but a toddler instead?

The Holidays were great, but super hectic and busy. I loved having the 10 days straight with my little one, and it made going back to work after New Year's Day that much harder. After that, it was getting things ready for her *First Birthday Party*.  So this post is a bit late and likely, a bit long and photo heavy.
 
We did Christmas morning at our house and then headed over to my parents for the rest of the day for Christmas dinner and more presents! Em made out like a bandit, getting lots of toys and clothes. Several days later, we drove down to visit with my in-laws, where Em got more presents and some Christmas cash. All in all, it was exhausting, but she loved it and got the hang of opening gifts. It was great practice for her birthday.

We had a shoot with the photographer that did our family photos (that were used in the holiday card I posted last). In prep for Em's 1st birthday party, we did a cake smash session. It was ridiculously messy, and crazy fun. Em knew just what to do with the cake and had no fear. She did have to stop for milk breaks a time or 2 and was in definite need of a bath directly after we finished. The photog did a great job. I'm glad she didn't make me choose just my 5 favorites as I don't think I would have been able to narrow it down to less than 8 or 10. Here are a few tidbits.

I went back to work; she went back to daycare. That Thursday, I went to feed her in the afternoon as usual. They told me she had thrown up a little bit ago. Thinking it may have been from post-nasal drip/phlegm she's been having, I nursed her. We got up from the chair, and vomit volcanoed all down me and in the chair. Then a 2nd time about 10 min later. She left daycare early and the Boy took care of her the rest of the afternoon until I could leave work. She just kept throwing up. Poor thing was just tired and not feeling well. After a slightly better Friday of me staying home with her and limiting food, but pushing liquids in little volumes, we made an appt that Saturday. We would have done so sooner if she had a fever or anything else, but she seemed her normal self when not puking. Turns out, it was a pretty good ear infection in both ears from the cold we all had a few weeks before. Antibiotics and rest were the prescription. And this is where I think I have one of the strangest kids. She LOVED taking the Amox.icillin. LOVED it! She also gulps down any of the Ty.lenol/Mot.rin we've given her previously. She was feeling more herself in a few days, no throw up, and by the following Wednesday/Thursday, I got to sleep in another position than sitting up, holding her.

Then she turned 1 on the 8th. It was a bittersweet day, to say the least. It honestly feels like we were trying just a bit ago, I was pregnant the other day, and she was born just yesterday (almost). Time has flown faster than I could have imagined. We spend that whole week prepping the house for her party on the 12th. When you don't really have time/energy to clean well over a span of, say, a year and a half, it is a beast to tackle in a week. Thankfully, we got it most of the way, and what we couldn't get went to hide in the office.

Her party was a good bit of fun. We asked for books instead of cards, and boy, did she ever get books! There were 8 kids there under 5yrs, and my 11yr old niece. Most surprisingly, no one had a tantrum or breakdown. All the little ones had a good time in the living room, playing with toys, each other and the dogs. We did presents after all had arrived and had time to eat some of the snacks/food we set out. Presents were immediately followed by cake and cupcakes for the guest. Em really dug getting to eat a cake all to herself again. Another bath ensued directly after that. The day was a whirlwind for me, and I had forgotten to take photos of it all before the party started. Darn it.

As for what she's up to these days, she is quite the busy body. Her staggering walk is morphing into a run rather quickly.  Still keeping to the "d" "p" and "b" sounds. No "mama" yet, just lots of "doad" and "dada."

Dogs. One of her favorite things. Her dogs. Dogs on tv. In a book. A puzzle. A picture. A bark. All of them prompt a "Doad" from her. She loves a good puppy dog.

She's a genius. Well, maybe not genius, but she's figuring things out. How to stack and unstack things rather than just knock them down. Taking things in and out of containers, which she likes to open and close as well. The other day, she took the pitcher we use for giving the dogs water, and dragged it over to their bowl and turned it upside down onto it. Granted, there was nothing in it (thankfully!), but she got the picture.

Sitting in chairs. It's crazy to think about how fascinating chairs are, but they seem to be the other big thing she's wild about right now. She tries to climb into her highchair. She'll climb into her bumbo-like seat. And since my parents brought it over, the kid-sized lawn chair. which brings me to the next item...

Climbing. Oh Lord, the climbing. If it is her height or less, she'll climb on just about anything. The aforementioned chairs, the dogs, toys, laundry baskets, us, and unfortunately, even the fireplace. I'm guessing it some ingrained, left-over instinct from our monkey days as she hasn't seen us climb anything, but she just seems to know how to do it and what's the best way to get up to where she wants to be. I see some very tiring days in my future.

She's working on a few more teeth. The level of drool and gnawing are astounding to me compared to what she had/did with the last round. I'm hoping these come quicker as I don't think I have another month of practically sleepless nights in me.

There is probably more things I meant to talk about in this post, but by this point I've forgotten them. Besides, I think this has rambled on long enough. Hopefully, since all the hectic-ness of the holidays and her birthday have settled, maybe I'll be able to post more. We'll see. I really only have a bit of time free on evenings while she's sleeping, otherwise I'm chasing or otherwise entertaining my toddler. Sigh, I can't believe she's no longer the little tiny thing we brought home, but an honest-to-goodness toddler...