I should have taken a Topography course in college

Then, I'd be able to figure out what's what on a map. Then, I'd be able to figure out where the heck I am and how to get to where I want to be. I wish it was as easy as it is in the game "Life". All I'd have to do is draw the card and BAM! baby in the back seat.

Another thing crushing down on me is my SIL's impending baby shower. April 16th. I have 30 days to figure out what the heck I'm going to do. I've put off helping her friend organize it by using the "busy with work" excuse. I got the invite last week and haven't responded yet. I don't want to say yes and either make myself go or chicken out of it at the last minute. I don't want to say no and have to deal with all that goes with it for the next 30 days. Help?

EDIT: SIL and BIL know what's gone on as the Hubs told them a few weeks ago. His parents are the only other members of his family that know. Her shower is going to have other SIL and several other relatives that would definitely ask questions if I'm not there as we only live <30min away. I could make it through the shower with enough X.anax, assuming I'm not pregs by then (most likely not). I'll probably sit on it for a bit longer and see if I find any clarity. I'm pretty sure I'm just going to buy them something online as I can NOT go down the baby aisles w/o tearing up.

Wandering

I'm adrift. Unanchored.

Physically, it was a very short and uneventful "visit". Guess that's an upside to things. Now, I'm just floating along. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. I'm fully expecting ovulation around cd16 thanks to the wonder that is Letrozole. Only 2 more doses.

Mentally, my mind wanders non-stop. Day. Night. It doesn't help that I've had to take a round of Pred.nisone for my wonderfully enlarged lymph nodes (thanks, allergies). Thoughts about everything are bounding around in my head. If I could just get them all sorted and organized, I think it wouldn't be so bad. I can't seem to make sense of my life lately, let alone my thoughts.

I always thought growing up, that the adult had it all worked out and knew what was what. As an adult, I realized nothing is as black and white as it was when I was younger. Even the shades of gray were distinct. All the colors just run together, and we just have to do our best to try and differentiate them from one another. I'm more lost now as a grown-up than I think I was as a kid.

Sure, I didn't know what the future held or what was next as a child, but that was exciting then.  Blindly moving forward, getting right back up if I stumbled. Dust myself off, and continuing.
That same uncertainty is almost crippling now. I now tiptoe, step by step, towards I don't know what, second guessing myself along the way.With progress, comes fear. Backtracking brings doubt. I don't know if I want to keep moving forward, but I know I can't turn back.  I'm stuck at a stand-still. Petrified almost to do anything, but terrified of doing nothing.

I wish there was a way to go back and keep myself naive about certain things in life...

Widening the circle, a bit.

There are now 10 people outside of myself, the Boy (and ya'll) that know that we've been TTC and miscarried. Both parents (4), my boss, his boss, the therapist, Boy's co-worker, and now, the B & SIL. Yes, them.

I got tired of making excuses and lame back stories to why we can go to this or that and pretending to be super happy for every little thing they inform us on about their very soon to be arriving baby. The BIL was stopping by on Tuesday around 5pm to drop off a "special care package" of samples his little lab puppy was donating to my lab. As I gave him the go ahead, the Boy used that opportunity to fill him in on all our goings-ons.

At first, the BIL thought he had done something wrong, because Boy never has serious conversations. Then, he felt bad for some of the things he's said without knowing what we were going through at the time. He was caring and understanding from what hubby said. Even told us to keep trying no matter what, it will happen. And then, he suggested exactly what I knew he would. "She should talk to SIL about this. She knows about this stuff."

I knew that would come up and even had the Boy make sure to tell anyone he informs about this that it is different that SIL's situation. I feel really bad and kinda guilty about how anti-talking to her I am. Having "talks" with her in general is one-sided, and I don't think I can handle her dominating the conversation about my miscarriage and my feelings about it. And to make myself feel even more selfish, I don't want to talk to her about it because I don't want mine compared to hers. A miscarriage is a miscarriage, is never pleasant, and emotionally straining to say the least. I just don't want MY m/c to be lost in the sea of all the other (unfortunate) m/cs. I want mine to stay special.

It's just so hard now to connect with people that got pregnant easily. Or those that stayed that way with minimal assistance. I can barely stand to be in the same room as the maternity leave co-worker this past week. She spends half her time looking at pics of her son or talking about him and the other half talking about how hard it is to have to pump or breastfeed or sleep. I think I will have to bring her into the circle at least if I value my sanity at work.

Does it ever get easier?

Whirlwind Weekend of Ups and Downs

What a crazy past few days here! Thanks so much for the blog design help given last post! As you can see, I sorta figured it out and implemented. Yay me!

This weekend was super busy and activity filed, at least it was when compared to our usual weekend of hanging around the house and maybe hitting up Tar-jay or the Home Depot. I'm going to portion it into baby-related and non-related sections.

Friday - Baby: Co-worker returns from maternity leave. Spends all day talking about baby/mommy stuff and looking at pics of her kid and calling the grandparents to see how he is doing.
Not-Baby: Went to see our friend's band play and eat dinner while there. The Boy got free t-shirts that he designed for 2 of the bands. My food was not as good as usual there, and I had a cup of honey mustard fall into my lap.
Baby: His wife just entered her 2nd trimester and he sorta talked about the u/s and stuff.

Saturday - Baby: SIL had her 4d u/s, that we did not attend. We did however visit them to see the Boy's folks. Unfortunately, it was all baby talk from BIL and SIL. She even handed me the print outs to look through since we were "unable to make it". I flipped through them, not once looking down at them.
Not-Baby: It was great to see the in-laws as we haven't seen them since New Year's.  Also, took an amazing nap with Boy when we got home.
Baby: Went to a friend/co-worker's house warming party. Lots of babies and baby talk. Boo. Got to hold their little girl a lot. Yay! She even fell asleep in my arms twice! I almost cried at how sweet she looked and how great it felt to hold a baby! Unfortunately, I did cry when the 2 fertile-myrtle co-workers (maternity leaver and house owner) started talking about now having to prevent so they don't get pregnant again and how badly it seems their bodies like having babies. Big Boo. Also, had several near breakdowns while on baby duty about how I'm a "natural" and how I need to talk the hubs into "having one of them." Sigh. If all it took was talking him into it, I'd so be knocked-the-F-up right now!

Sunday - Not-baby: Got Cricket microchipped! Everyone always fawns over her because she is such a different looking dog and is so people-friendly. She did great and didn't even flinch or anything at the injection.
Unfortunately-Not-Baby: Started spotting/light flow that night after my shower.

Monday - Not-baby: Had my consult with my Primary care office. My blood work all looks good except for 2 things. My vitamin D was a bit low, even taking my calcium/D supplements, and my eosinophils were high (thanks allergies!). The best news was that my TSH was at 1.526! Much better than >3 it has been at the last several times. Looks like this 50mcg of the Synthroid is working! Sadly, bleeding in full force this morning. Onto cycle 10.
Baby: The nurse practitioner that I saw today was at least 5-6mo pregnant and I had to explain why I was taking the Synthroid and Letrozole. Nothing like explaining to a preg that your stuff is all busted and won't do what it should be doing without strong-arming it with meds. She looked lost the whole time.

New Directions

This post is unfortunately not a Glee reference, but the title fits and I love that it makes me think of Glee!

The last few days I've looked over the most recent several posts I've done. Why has anyone told me I've been a whining, complaining ball of meh? I realized I need to inject more positivity into this blog and my life as well. What I'd like to do I need help with as I'm not super good at this whole blog/website layout stuff.

I want to add link buttons/menu bar at the top of the page below the title banner. Make a few subpages. I see lots of blogs that have these and I have no clue how to put them on mine. Anyone that knows how or can point me in the right direction, I'd be eternally grateful!

I'd like to make a page that just has our TTC time line summed up for easy access for new readers and quick ref for others. I also want to make one where I have to put at least 1 positive, inspirational, or happy thought or action each and every day. I know I could just keep a journal for that, but I think the fact of putting it out where others can access it will not only make me feel more accountable for posting them, but maybe they will also help others who need a little glimmer of hope and happiness as well.

So those are the new directions I want to head in, but need some help getting there.

ps. 13dpo today. Waiting and seeing.

Emotional Volcano?

Not sure what it is, but I've been pretty freakin' emotional the past few days.

Just add Infertility and hormonally driven emotions! Fun for Days!

Last night, 2 different family members on the in-law side made certain comments that pretty much implied that we weren't as important because we don't have kids. I teared up at the 1st comment and about had a conniption fit after the second. I really wanted to reply back to her Face.book message with some snarky remark! I didn't because I chickened out and didn't think it was necessary to even respond.

Today was just a crazy long, tiring day. Had a blood draw as part of my physical with my general care practitioner. I was able to get them to throw in testing my thyroid again so I can see if the meds are working at this higher dose. I was just frazzled at work as I rushed from one thing to the next and made phone call after phone call. I was finally able to eat my lunch at 2:30/3pm. We had a plumbing issue at the house that I had the people coming out to fix today. There was apparently a miss-communication about the time scheduling because I thought they were going to show up between 1-3, but they had me down at 3-6. Then they were trying to say the problem was our fault but we didn't leave the hose connected so I don't know how it happened even though that is their only explanation for it. I got way too heated over that than I normally would be.

Tonight, I saw someone post the crib they bought for their nursery on a forum and spent the next 30min looking at nursery furniture and getting upset. It even crossed my mind that if this cycle doesn't work out, maybe we should take a break from all this baby stuff. We have some debt and finances stuff we could stand to get fully sorted. Lots of work we want to do on the house. I'm still trying to figure out traveling with 2 large! dogs and a car seat in a regular sedan. The number of times that the thought "Maybe there is a reason we aren't getting/staying pregnant right now and should take it as a sign to focus on other things instead" crossed my mind today is more than I'd like to count.

10dpo. Maybe it is a symptom? Maybe not? I don't want to read into it because it could just be that I'm getting crazy whacked out emotions in prep for the start of the next cycle. I just don't know and I don't want to test! Help?

Today's post is brought to you by the #9

9
9 cycles.
9dpo.
and hey, 9pm (EST)!

I think I'm diving off the deep end this 2ww. The last 2 days have involved me flipping back and forth being optimistic and disappointed about this cycle. I could have sworn I would be finding an unwelcomed visitor on several different restroom breaks, but luckily didn't. I think I have symptoms and then I don't or think that I'm just imagining them. The only thing I can say for certain is I've had a lot of odd cramping, almost akin to ovulation pains, but kind of all over the belly area. Oh, and I almost forgot, I've been super warm off and on today and sweaty the past 3 nights. I can't recall if this happened last month or all of the past months I've taken the progesterone supplements.

I'm trying not to get my hopes too high or expect too much out of this cycle. but after 9 freaking cycles I'm ready to be pregnant already. I was talking with a TTC buddy I meet online (Hi Sheena!) about how if I had been lucky right out of the gate, I'd be due at the end of March. That is so unreal to me. How is it that I'm not pregnant by now?!

I really hope I get some insight of how things will turn out for cycle #9 by this weekend. It is far too pregnant people orientated for me to deal and not knowing or starting my period. Friday, we plan to attend a show by a friend's band. His wife found out at the start of Jan that she was pregnant, told me mid Jan, just a week or so before I got my positive. They had been not preventing for almost a year, but hadn't actually started trying. She's almost out of her 1st trimester by now. I'm not sure I can have a conversation with him without either holding back a floodgate of emotions or by drugging myself up with enough Xan.ax that I won't care.

Saturday. Oh god, Saturday. Hubby's folks are coming into town for a day or 2 to attend the SIL's 3d/4d ultrasound. She invited us to this, but 1) I really think this is a very private occasion, and 2) there is absolutely no way I can attend it without breaking down or blowing up. I'm sure to visit with the in-laws, we'll have to head over to her and BIL's house that evening and I'll have to either come clean to them or make up an excuse. The parents know the truth, so either way it's going to awkward. Then Saturday evening, a co-worker/friend is having a belated house-warming party. Belated because she gave birth the month after they moved in. Her daughter is adorable; I made a trip to their place a few weeks ago, after the m/c, and was ok. What will be difficult about this time is that there will be at a minimum 4 babies. That's right, FOUR, and 3 of those were "Holy cow! We were so surprised to have been pregnant. Totally unplanned!" If I could have assurance that it wasn't just going to be baby and new mommy talk, I'd go in a heartbeat. Somehow, I don't think that will be the case.

But in good news, the boy bought me a few little pots of strawberry plants to put in my plant hanger. I can't wait for the weather to stay warm so I can hang the planter outside and let the plants grow and supply me with a summer's worth of delicious, sweet fruits! My daffodils are exploding in the front yard. Everywhere, thanks to the previous owners. The trees are blooming and growing leaves. Things look to be turning green again and that makes me happy! Also, the baby animals are being born at work, and I got to have a closer than expected encounter with this little girl when she broke out of the pen.

Can I go home with you?

See! Even baby animals want me to be their mommy! This is totally a sign that I should be knocked up ASAP!