An Over-achiever not achieving at conceiving

What happens to an over-achiever that is not achieving? They aren’t under-achieving or just meeting expectations. They just aren’t achieving.

What happens is they start to lose IT.

Sanity.

Self-confidence.

Emotional stability.

Control.

All of IT.

Just gone.

No matter the past accomplishments and victories, whatever is being un-achieved dwarfs them in comparison, shrinking their importance. They don’t seem so great or as impressive as they use to be. The shine has been dulled and tarnished, shadowed by the non-achieved looming before the OA.

It is heart-wrenching. Utterly devastating. Completely stagnant. Totally me.

Right now, I am on a paper that is being submitted to one of the most prestigious scienctific journals. I’ve been working on this project for almost 3yrs now. I’m 4^th author out of about 20. It’s huge! The OA in me would be a bit smug and excited that so much work and effort has finally paid off, Big Time!

Instead, I would trade it all in, without batting an eyelash, to be pregnant right now. I would hand over my graduate degree, my position of importance and authority in the lab, my fairly decent paycheck, and 4^th author status on a ground-breaking paper/project for a baby. Not a moment of hesitation.

OA’s don’t do that! The point of over-achieving is to prove your worth, to get you where you want to be, to prove that you can do things and do them freaking well! Being recognized for a job well-done is the whole reason I over-achieve! I don’t work my butt of for things just to turn around and drop them.

It is a bit strange to think about it this way, but I have put far more effort into making (and keeping) a potential baby than I have into probably anything else in my entire adult life (save my marriage- constant effort that is well worth it). I’ve put loads of time into it. Researching. Reading. Practicing. I’ve invested large amounts of money into it. Doctor appts. Medications, vitamins, supplements. Opks and hpts. And yet, no matter how much time, money or effort I put into the baby equation, I don’t get the correct answer, the desired outcome.

With the input I’ve given to this whole “creating life” project, I would be expecting something like triplets to be the end product if I were to compare it to completely unrelated past experiences. Instead, I have negative product. Debt. Wasted time (can’t get back those hours I spent looking for positions/vitamins/chants/crystals to increase my chances of pregnancy). Loss.

I haven’t achieved. Nor have I under-achieved. I’ve just made no real, tangible progress. That is a hard pill to swallow for me- and that’s saying something given the number of medications I’m ingesting on a daily basis at this point. I can’t say I’m failing, because I’m not. One doesn’t fail if they are trying their best and making the effort. I’m just un-succeeding. Un-achieving. Un-pregnant. Feeling more and more Un-me.

SIL-ution Found

The shower situation has been solved!

I found a compromise that worked for us both. Aren't I a genius!?

Partially born out of my desire not to be there with a good smidgen of my inability to attend, I decided to opt out of the actual shower next weekend.

Instead, I contacted her a few days ago to see if they had any free time this weekend to hang out a bit. We worked it out to go over there last night for dinner. I brought the intended shower gift and a card for the both of them; they gave us food and some hockey time.

I'm no sure why this hadn't occurred to me sooner. It was a great resolution. They got to know that I'm (mostly) happy for them and their baby and not just blowing them off by missing the shower. Plus, they got some onesies and some baby toys, not to mention a great gift bag! I got to appease my guilt of not attending the actual shower. It was much better to do it this way. A total win-win. They got the recognition of their great achievement, and I didn't have to deal with a house full of babies, women talking non-stop about babies and pregnancy, and there would be no crying in a bathroom.

Heck, I even got 2 free EPT digital hpt's out of the trip!

It wasn't a fantastic evening for me, but far better than I know the shower would have been. She still rambled on about the baby and her pregnancy and complained. I was a bit taken aback that she didn't seem to curb any of that given that a) she knows what we are dealing with/going through, and b) she "has been there too" and should know better. It was still like she assumed that she needed to fill me in on things that happen when you are pregnant and in your 3rd trimester. I'm sure I could figure out that you get uncomfortable, and it is difficult to do lots of things, and the baby kicks and doesn't like this or that. I get it!

But I'm proud of myself. Immensely proud. I did something that took a lot on my part to go through with at all. I didn't put a lot of thought into the gift- it was a very whirlwind zip into Target, grabbed some baby things that weren't ridiculously expensive, a bag and some tissue paper, wrapping it all in the car on the way over. But I didn't complain. I didn't pout or act anti-social. Nor did I try and make it about me or mention anything about what we are doing now, later, etc. I was quite content to just leave the gift there for them to open when they wanted and not make it a bit to-do. She wanted to open it before we left, which I was fine with, too.

And now, I can focus on one of my favorite females. My wiggle-butt pup, Cricket, goes in next week for knee surgery, and I'm able to spend next weekend pampering and tending to her, with a guilt-free conscience.

In other news... Things are growing. Except out in my garden and not my uterus. Veggie sprouts have been transplanted from their starter dishes into my garden beds, and I have a few little red strawberries peeking out from my planter. Here's hoping a have a bountiful harvest from my petite backyard farm!

Confused

I'm happy and sad.

A friend and former student in the lab just filled us in that she's expecting. I'm very happy for her and her husband. She was probably my closest work friend.

Unfortunately and coincidentally, her due date was my due date. Cue the tears. I'd be 14wk right now. I hadn't thought about that for a few days until she mentioned how far along she is.

I decided to talk to her and get the details. Turns out she actually had a very early miscarriage (most likely a chemical pregnancy) a few months back. That pregnancy was a surprise, but made them realized they wanted to start their family. Cue more tears. I hate that she had to go through that as well. Especially as it was right after she moved from here to back north, starting a new job and buying a house. So many sources of stress, she didn't need a m/c on top of it all.

I'm sad for her. Sad for me. Happy for her. Sad for me. This is the 1st pregnancy announcement that I've had to deal with since my m/c. My emotions about it are so conflicted and I don't know which are the real ones and which are the ones I only think I should be feeling. I'm so confused...

WTH, PETA?

I've always known that PETA and the majority of it's practices and viewpoints were way out in left field, but seriously? WTH, PETA? What does awarding a vasectomy to a man that has his pet fixed honor NIAW?

I love pets and animals. All my animals are adopted from rescues or shelters, are spayed/neutered and microchipped. I care about their happiness and well-being. Which is why I never supported PETA in the 1st place. I just can't get behind their backwards way of thinking and doing to somehow raise awareness of ethical treatment for animals. How about the ethical treatment of any living creature, humans included?!

I am at a loss for more words than that at the moment. For more info and far more eloquent and insightful discourse on this matter, head over to Keiko's blog "Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed".

I am just disgusted even more by that organization. I'll be composing my email here shortly...

Choppy waters

A little nautical reference if you will. I'm feeling a bit lost on the high seas in the midst of storms. Nothing is really moving in a desired direction. My little dingy is at the complete mercy of things I can't control or influence.

The ovarian cyst is more than I had anticipated it would be. Dr. Google is absolutely right that the pain is amped up during menstruation. Ouch! I physically haven't felt like doing much of anything in fears of over-doing it and causing my angry friend to rupture. I like to think I'm a pretty tough cookie as I usually shoulder through most things, but I've had to resort to the painkillers to deal with my uncooperative body the last few days.

I'm quite a bit upset that I can't take my Femara this cycle. One more thing that is now out of my control. No telling when I'll end up ovulating this cycle. Yet, I'm secretly hoping that I'll hit the jackpot and be able to say that we ended up being one of those stories were after months of medical intervention, the cycle off from them is the cycle we conceived, all on our own and get to take home a baby from it. It's a long shot, but I have a tiny glimmer of hope that it could happen.

Outside my body, things are a bit tumultuous at work. The co-worker that returned from maternity leave a few weeks ago is making things a nightmare. The boss and her had an agreement that he would keep her on until after her maternity leave so she could have insurance for the birth, etc even though her funding has completely run out. He has bent over backwards trying to help her and keep her with an income during a very delicate time. She apparently isn't keeping her end of the deal. She won't resign, so he is left with 2 options: fire her and she gets no benefits or unemployment (and the rest of us have to take on her responsibilities) or keep paying her for the mandated 60d from termination notice and jeopardize the whole lab.

She can't really meet her job requirements anymore between her frequent (and necessary) breaks to go and pump, and her issues with child care. Between  her and the baby's daddy, they make a pretty decent living and are well above the poverty line. But somehow, they are unable to pay for any form of child care and have to rely on when their families (who aren't local) can stay to watch him? At the same time, she can go and have her hair cut and dyed, he can buy a new laptop, they can go out to eat and buy new cloths and such? I just don't get it?! They had 9m to work out how to afford a child and then 8wks to figure out care.

It makes me so furious! I've had to struggle and work my butt of for the things they are taking for granted! You have to make sacrifices for the things that are important to you! In college, I had to work 30hrs on top of my full course load to put myself through my undergraduate degree. My parents couldn't really help much financially at the time. Hence, my >$35k in school loans. But since I had to work for it, I made sure to get all that I could out of it. I'm proud to say I was able to pay my own way and be able to come out with a 3.8 GPA while working almost full-time and taking difficult science courses. For grad school, the Boy and I lived off of less than $25k a year between him working full-time, my stipend and any extra money we could make on the side. We lived in a crap apartment, then townhouse, still managed to pay our bills, pay our large medical expense and still save a bit. We didn't go out and party much because we really couldn't afford it.

Now, sure we are making more money, but a good chunk of it goes towards medical related things as well as our chances for a baby. We are not only having to physically work for our child to bring home the money to pay for housing, food, etc., we are having to pay for the chance to even conceive each and every month. It's a lot less than some people have to pay for the same, but still, it's an additional financial responsibility we have. Our financial well-being and baby dreams are now being influenced by someone that won't even make some minor lifestyle changes to afford child care! Our chances at a planned and much wanted baby are in jeopardy because of someone that accidentally got pregnant and can't put the needs of the child or others before their own wants!

Between all this, I've just wanted to pout and cry this weekend. Just sit and wallow in my own despair and pessimism. I know part of it is just because of the gloom that accompanies my period each cycle, but the rest is genuine feeling of hopelessness in our situation. There isn't anyone I can truly talk to about this in person/real life as the only person we know that went through any form of "infertility struggle" is my PG-SIL and all she does when we talk is go on and on about their situation and doesn't really listen. It doesn't really help that she is 8m pregnant and that's all that she seems to be able to talk about. I can understand that, but it's obviously not something I really want to keep subjecting myself to, all things considered.

I hate feeling so lost and alone, sad and hopeless.

Baseline to sideline

I had my baseline u/s this morning, more around 9:30a than 9a as they were super busy this morning. No bloodwork. Just me and Senor Wando.

The u/s technician was great. She obviously knows her stuff. In fact, she asked if I was actually cd2, which I am, as my uterine lining is a textbook cd2. Which I think is great. She's also the 2nd medical professional to compliment my uterus. The other was my Ob/Gyn at my IUD placement.

My left ovary was normal, with ~10 antral follicles waiting to start the race to ovulation. It's strange to think that one of those could end up being a baby!

My right ovary... Well, that can just be called my right cyst for the cycle. I have a very large cyst that hasn't resolved itself. I shouldn't worry about it, though. It should go away on its own. But! I can't take any stims this cycle. See ya next cycle, Femara. I also have to go in on my next ~cd3 for another baseline u/s to make sure it is gone by then. Not sure what we'll do if it isn't.

IF I some how manage to actually get pregnant this cycle, the tech told me that I shouldn't worry about the cyst negatively impacting it in any way.

It does explain a few things for me. That Big Ol' Cyst is why I've had the localized cramping/pinching on my right side. And I think I just had a Super Egg! that exploded out on cd14 and decimated my ovary this last cycle, thus explaining the early O. That's at least how I'm going to keep thinking things happened anyways. Still not sure why only a 10d LP with the meds and supps... Also, don't cyst generally delay your period?

PS- I apologize for anyone that had actually hoped my earlier post was true and not my lame attempt to make fun of the usual April Fool's joke that many (fertile) women make. To be honest, I was really, really hoping that the u/s tech would inform me with wonder and disbelief that I was indeed, totally pregnant and the bleeding is a weird fluke. I had this thought 3 different times this morning. Alas, I am not.

"I'm pregnant."

I know that is a super lame April fool's joke. (It is unfortunately a favorite of many fertile women of child-bearing age). However, this year, I could totally play the bitter infertile and post that or tell people that. When they get all excited and such, I can scream "Not!" and dive into how my body actually played that joke on me a few days early and that right now, I'm in the midst of my full-on, raging period. Hahaha! "April Fool's!"

I did call and schedule a follow-up consult with the RE to see we want to try anything new or make any minor changes in my protocol. Not much more we can do as my craptastic insurance won't cover anything but testing, but maybe we can change dosing or meds or delivery forms?

He also emailed me to say I should do some baseline testing this cycle.  I just got off the phone with the office and I'll be going in today (9am actually) for my "cd3/baseline" u/s and probably bloodwork. On cd2. It's going to be a party! These types of procedures and u/s always make me super self conscious. It's bad enough I have to get intimate with Senor Wando, but it ain't no picnic down there on top of that. It's almost enough to make me want to "vajazzle" or do some "clitter" to make it up to the u/s tech! (Links not necessarily safe for work).

I'll update ya'll on everyhing after I find things out and see how things go. Happy Friday and hope you don't get any horrible April Fool's day gags!