4 months

Wow, just realized I never did a 4m update on Em, 10d ago. Oops?

So, yeah, 4 months... It's been pretty surreal. While I was pregnant (as well as before) and during my maternity leave, I knew that I just didn't have what it takes to be a SAHM. I am not "Mom Enough" for all that it requires day in and day out. But that doesn't mean that I don't spend almost all my day at work thinking about coming home to this:

 

If we could swing it financially, I'd only work part-time in a heartbeat! Or if we were rolling in the dough, I'd not work and spend my days doing mommy&me yoga, play groups, and the whole housewife glamor lifestyle.Sigh... Bills and debt bite the big one.

But back to her update! Little Miss's stats at 4m were 11lbs 11oz, 24.75in long, and ~39cm head circumference. Those fall in the 10%, 70%, and 5%. In other words, I have a long and lean, boob-sucking machine! The pediatrician we saw this time called her "small" even those she was about the same percentiles at her 2m where that Dr said she was just fine. I'm in no particular rush to jump to solids to get her to "gain more weight" at the moment as she is consistent in her percentiles and her growth curves are smooth and increasing. Besides, cereals are just baby gruel and don't provide that much in the way of nutrients other than calories for the most part.

In other growth and developmental news, she is also a rolling machine! She flips from back to belly *like a boss* these days and had been great with belly to back for over a month now (she really hated tummy time back then). She puts weight on her feet and legs when stood up and tries her hardest to pull herself to sitting if reclined. She is quick with the smiles still and giggles are starting to be just as frequent. Her hands, toys, and yes, even her feet are always on their way to or from her mouth. Em-n-m has not only found her voice but exercises it in various pitches and volumes. She is a huge fan of her fur-siblings, but only the pups reciprocate the love.

More than anything else, she continues to win my heart each and every day. I couldn't hide it if I tried - I love this kiddo to pieces!

Father's Day can Suck for Men, too.

I generally don't do this, but I just had to write this post. It was prompted by an email I received completely out of the blue.

This is a part of the ALI community that is seldom heard from, because they have to be "strong." One particular statement got to me and made me feel a bit sad that the Boy felt he had to remain strong and support me through the miscarriage. I don't truly know if he wanted to grieve, but felt like he couldn't.

"During this time, I discovered that these “silent grievers” actually
hungered to share their stories, to speak their children’s names aloud and
describe what had happened."

They are trying to raise funding to publish and promote this book on their own as major publishers "mentioned that this is an honorable book, but men typically do not buy these types of books. Basically, they were saying that this book couldn’t be profitable enough for them to invest in it."

I'm sure I'm not the only one that disagrees with this and feel it just another barrier that the rest of the world puts up to prevent IF and loss from receiving the attention and support that other medical conditions do as it is "uncomfortable." I would have loved to have been able to purchase this book for Hubs after our loss. My heart breaks to know that a book like this does need to and actually does exist and that the authors had to suffer such tragic losses (after IF) themselves. It helps though to know that I can take part in making this resource available for others that undeserving find themselves in that position and situations.

I would really appreciate it if you would take just a few moments to go to the site and read about the project as well as contribute to it, either financially or with your own story.

Mother's Day...

I don't know how I feel about it this year...

This morning on the radio, driving in the parking deck at work, a commercial almost had me sobbing behind the wheel. One of the local fertility clinics runs commercials, more frequently it seems, surrounding family-themed holidays. Currently, this one is about wanting to change your name. To "Mom." In that instance, all the pain and longing I felt while TTC and dealing with IF came flooding back. At the same time, I was overcome with sadness for those still feeling those same emotions everyday. And how beyond blessed I am to be able to have that title now, myself.

I'm overjoyed that I'm actually* a Mother for it this year. But maybe I have my expectations of how significant this day actually is too high. Maybe, like my views on Valentine's, it's just a commercially over-rated day to celebrate something that should be celebrated everyday. All I know is that I'm expecting this May 13th to be unlike any I've ever had.


That being said, I don't feel that this upcoming holiday only belongs to maternal parental units. I truly feel that one becomes a mother when they accept a child into their heart. It has nothing to do with pushing one out your wazoo. The moment you decide to share your life with a child, you are a Mom. To some, this may happen at the child's birth. Some, when they get that gender or 1st ultrasound. Others at that 2nd line. And I think for most reading this post, it happened the instant you decided to TTC.

It may be almost a week early, but I want to wish all you women a happy Mother's day. You are a wonderful mother to you child, be it in your arms, belly, heart or dreams.


*As defined by other people.

One year ago today...

April 28th, 2011

I was feeling like complete crap. Headache, nausea, exhaustion. It must have been a bug.

But as I was (am) an infertile, I had to poas. You know, just in - it will never happen, but hey, who really needs an excuse to pee on a hpt - case. I didn't even watch it. When I did look, I saw this:

The faintest of actual lines!

I didn't know then that it was the start of the best year of my life. And somehow that ghost of a line turned into this:

I do think it is quite fitting that I got my "Rainbow Baby" BFP at the close of NIAW. I had decided to participate and posted something IF related on my FB page everyday. It's like Kharma rewarded me for putting myself out there. I didn't know at the time that things would turn out perfect. I was a mess of fear, uncertainty, and a timid little bit of hope.

This year, as NIAW draws to a close, I put myself out there again. I feel amazingly blessed to have had the experiences that started one year ago. I truly wish this joy and love to every single one of you out there reading this, however you may find that joy. While my current happiness doesn't erase all the pain and fear that hovered during our struggle to conceive, I do appreciate it more and wouldn't be who I am today without having gone through the hell of IF. I want everyone of you out there to know that you are amazing and just that much stronger, braver, and awesomer for having to go through it as well. It completely sucks, but makes you value the sunshine a bit more when the clouds break.

**************

ps- I found this earlier this week and had to share it with you all. I know this was true for me (add in anxious as well) and that many of you feel the same.

IUD is DONE

Just a quick update to my last post.

I rescheduled my IUD re-placement appt with my fave and previous practitioner at the OB/GYN. She's the nurse-prac. that got us started on our IF/treatment journey 3m into TTC. It was quite the to-do with the appt making lady on the phone that day. She made a big stink about it needing to be with the "referring/prescribing" Dr. and the time slots had to coincide with u/s tech availability for the placement. I eventually got it such that I could see my NP at 30min after the initially scheduled appt, without the u/s I was told.

Other than running late to the appt without knowing it, things couldn't have gone better. I had been scheduled for the u/s, unbeknownst to me, for just before my time with the NP. Good thing I called to double check my appt confirmation! It was all so completely different than the previous appt. The office was slow and quiet (hence the available u/s slot). The IUD team was pretty much prepped and ready by they time I got in the room. The actual placement was as different as night and day from the previous attempt. She was able to get me situated and the IUD placed with almost ZERO discomfort. I don't know why the other Dr had such a hard time with it all. She did have 1 minor hiccup. She was unable to figure out how to lower the stool in that particular room so we had to play around with the lamp placement and she was hunched over my business, which she apologized for several times in case it was awkward, etc for me. (Yay, right... With as many people have been in that area with various pieces of equipment in the last 18 months, I didn't even understand what she was apologizing for, to be honest.)

Plus, the NP was so excited to see me back on her roster for the day and had me fill her all in on how my birth was, if it was a boy or girl, and how things were going. Have I mentioned how much I love this lady? She is honestly interested and cares about her patients. She always makes me feel at ease about things.

It does seem a bit silly when I think about it, but I'm not taking any chances. The likelihood of us conceiving on our own is pretty slim, more so without any form of treatment for either of us and practically impossible without certain interactions. But like I've said before, I'm an over-acheiver. I'm not comfortable leaving much up to chance! Besides, the IUD pretty much makes my period non-existent. After the disappointment of her consistent arrival all those months in a row, I'm happy to give "Aunt Flo" the boot for a good while longer!

Medication-induced Mumblings

North Carolina in Springtime-

Very beautiful, but horrid if you suffer from seasonal allergies even in the slightest.

I'm up at 5am, unable to sleep or stay asleep due to a wonderful case of allergic sinusitis thanks to the pretty flowering trees and plants. My general practitioner has given me some steroids, nasal spray and recommendations of rest and fluids. Since the meds are BFing-friendly, no problem there and I'm trying to make sure I drink more so I don't have a drop in supply. The rest part is going to be the most difficult because what mom of a 3m old gets lots of rest? Plus, the meds wear off by bed time and leave me feeling like poo and unable to sleep. So what better time to write a update post!? (Hope it is coherent!)

1st off - Holy moly! I have a 3m old baby! How did that happen? Em is doing great and melts my heart frequently. Just over this past weekend she's erupted into babbling and is starting to have coordinated movement. She how reaches for things and actually can grab them and hold on! As tummy time was generally a bust for us, we've done lots of sitting up "practice." She likes to see everything and take it all in, all the time. It has apparently been paying off in spades as Em is now trying to pull herself into a sitting position frequently when propped lounging. My little genius is also trying to roll over from back to belly and almost has it. Just needs to figure out how to throw her shoulder into it. She's a whiz at going from belly to back though! The daycare ladies say they are really impressed with her development here as most babies aren't trying to do these things until closer to 5m! Go Em!

Work is getting a bit more normal feeling. I almost think I have a daily routine down. Almost, but not quite. I'm able to pump just enough each workday for the next day's daycare bottles, and use a few extra sessions on the weekend to give me a cushion of bottles in the fridge for when Hubs has her in the evenings until I get home. I'm still figuring out timing things for work and pumping to reliably get the max amount of milk, but without waiting too long and it being painful and mostly foremilk. Most days, I can find that balance, but not all the time.

Lastly, I'd like to discuss the debacle that was my IUD "placement" appt at the end of March. Seriously, it was ridiculous, ended up not getting done, and rescheduled for April 23rd. First off, the office calls the day before to check to see if I was scheduled for an IUD placement the next day and at what time. Hello! Thought they were suppose to know that and remind me! They also wanted to know if I would be able to come in earlier for that appt as apparently they double booked the time slot. Sorry, but I have to request the time off a bit more in advance than the afternoon before. So once I get there, they make me collect a urine sample, just to make sure I'm not PG. While I didn't mind complying, I'm pretty sure I know that it was pretty much an impossibility. Well, I mean it could have been immaculate conception, but I don't think I'm quite pious or righteous enough for that to happen. Plus, there's that whole "infertility" issue that would have hampered things if they had actually occurred. Not surprisingly, the test was negative.

Now for the fun part. I had to schedule the appt with the Dr who did my post-partum check, who was the Dr that "delivered" me. Not my fave Dr of the practice, but not my least fave. Until now. I've had an IUD placed before. Given that I was "null parous" (ie- no prior births), my favorite NP had me insert a cyto.tec pill to help soften up the ol' cervix and to schedule during my monthly visit. Since I don't think I've technically resumed that wonderful monthly occurrence and have actual given birth (to the most perfect baby, I might add), it should have been a walk in the park for us both. Right?

Wrong! The whole time, the speculum felt like it was on the verge of falling out, the assisting nurse didn't seem to have a clue what she was doing, and the Dr didn't have much more insight, or so it seemed to me. After the initial u/s to check my uterine size and position, the 1st bit wasn't much more than some discomfort. But then she had difficulty getting the catheter through my cervix and needed to use a dilator (which wasn't in that exam room so we had to wait for one to be brought over). Ouch. But still not too too bad. Then, the real fun came when she inserted the cath. Super cramping and OUCH! Just to see where she was in my uterus, the clueless nurse attempted to u/s as the Dr tried to get correct placement. Epic fail. She had actually already perforated my uterus with the cath. Placement was a no-go at this point. If she put the IUD in, it could have migrated out of the puncture. Second, my risk of infection just jumped up. Third, my body would now likely reject the IUD anyways. So out all the equipment came. OUCH. The Dr had apparently also clamped my cervix to "hold it in place" which actually caused some damage and bleeding. Several application of silver nitrate followed. Ouch. Ouch.

I was then re-scheduled for placement, this time with real-time u/s monitoring, in 1 month to allow my injuries to heal, given a Rx for antibiotics, and directions to take pain killers as needed and to expect spotting that might be ashy in color due to the silver nitrate. I had already per-emeptively taken some ibuprofen. The spotting ended up being quite heavy and more akin to bleeding with serious cramps. I have no clue why she had such a hard time with it. The NP that did my 1st IUD was in and out with only minor discomfort and had perfect placement. This time, the Dr blamed it on my "too small" uterus and cervix. I highly doubt that my uterus and cervix ended up shrinking to smaller than pre-Emma status after birth. I am shocked that they were so resilient and snapped back to practically pre-PG size, but highly dubious that they were "too small" for the procedure to go smoothly.

The whole ordeal has left a bitter-taste in my mouth, so to speak. I don't want any form BCP for contraception, but I also don't want to just go the barrier only method. I really like the ease and convenience of the IUD, plus I didn't have any crazy side effects and practically non-existent periods. Is it a sign that maybe I should look into alternative options of pregnancy prevention? I know the likelihood of us actually conceiving without some form of medical intervention is super slim, but right now, I'm not ready to take any chances. I loved being PG and truly miss it, but I'm not at all ready to jump back into that and have another little one, just yet.

With the rescheduled appt coming up, I'd like to get the blog world's input. Would you keep it with the same Dr? I'm not sure if it is an absolute requirement that it HAS to be with delivering Dr or if they just prefer it for consistency or if it is like commissions. Also, I mentioned about getting an Rx for the cyto.tec again, but she seemed to poo-poo that idea. Is it something I should press for in this case?

Drained (and not from pumping)

The last few weeks have been crazy.

Work.
Home.
Emma.

And I think I've got it pretty easy since she's such an easy and good baby. I get almost 6hrs of sleep a night. Sure, it's actually broken into 2-3hr chunks, but we are up, eat, and go right back to sleep. I don't think it is a lack of sleep that makes it all feel so hectic, though.

I'm THE primary care-giver to all living things in our house. I oversee the pets are fed, watered, pottied; Hubs may do the grunt work for some of it, but generally at my "request". I pay the bills, do the shopping, etc. Add onto all that working no less than 40hrs/wk, feeding a darling daughter, keeping on top of her clothes and diaper laundry as well as our own, trying to make sure there will be something for dinner, and trying to keep up our stock of expressed milk.


My typical day goes as follows:
- Wake up for the day when the Boy leaves for work at 6:30a and feed the babe
- Get dressed while she's still milk drunk and sleepy
- Put her bottles for daycare in a cooler (her diapers and wetbag were re-stocked in her daycare bag the night before)
- Eat something, make a lunch and pack snacks, pump and accessories
- Feed, water, and corral the pets for the day while we are gone
- Feed and change Em one last time and load her daycare bag, my pump bag, purse and carseat all into the car.
- Drop baby off and head to work.
- Work 8-10hrs, work in 2 pump breaks/snack/lunch into my unpredictable schedule.
- Head home and feed the pipsqueak upon my arrival.
- Possibly make, but at least eat dinner
- The next 2 hours are spent doing bills, email, prepping bottles and diapers for the next day, pumping again, cleaning bottles and pump parts, (a bit of computer free time), dessert/snack
- Get ready for bed, last evening feed, and turn in until our 2a-ish meal, followed by the 5a meal


Lather. Rinse. Repeat.


I don't know how women with multiple little ones are even remotely able to function. I don't have a clue as to how women that have twins, triplets, etc survive it.


I love the time I get to spend with Em, but the evenings after work seem too short and her too sleepy. Mornings are just too hectic for real quality time, which is probably why we stay in bed until the last minute! Returning to work definitely has made me more appreciative of the time we do have together. Those 8 weeks home had me yearning for a "break" and me time. Now, I seem to be watching the clock at work, counting down the minutes until I'm able to leave and snuggle my munchkin!