42

If you are a dork like me, you know that is the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything.

It is also my beta hCG level for today, 11dpo. P4 is at 17. If things double by the redraw on Monday, I'll be starting on PIO shots.

Not only am I a dork, I'm neurotic. I tested Wednesday morning, yesterday morning, and took a digital that the PG-SIL gave me last night. Just to make sure I wasn't wasting my time going in this morning, I also tested today. I've never seen a line this dark on any hpt I've ever taken.

Please let this work out...

I'm also scheduled to meet with the friend (E) who came out to me because of my FB infertility postings, tonight for dinner and drinks. I hadn't anticipated this happening when I made those arrangements. I'm not entirely sure how to handle the situation at this point...

I can't drink now, knowing that I'm PUPO. I don't feel comfortable telling her just yet, but I feel like I'd be lieing to her if I don't say something. I've never been in a situation like this.

Update?

No change.

I still feel like I did yesterday - kinda crappy.

I didn't drink anything after 9pm last night to concentrate my pee for testing this morning. The "line" is the same. A little whisper of pink. It could be slightly more pink (maybe?) but still just as light as yesterday's.

I have a beta draw scheduled tomorrow morning at 8:15a. They didn't ask what dpo I was, so I didn't volunteer the info. Last time, they didn't want me to come in until after 15dpo. I can't wait that long.

Last night, while settling down for bed, I was talking with the Boy about being scared and not excited. He understands. In fact, he said he doesn't really feel anything about it right now. We aren't hedging our bets just yet. He gives it 60/40 of working out this time. We also discussed me talking with the RE about starting PIO if the betas do well. I didn't want to do the injections over suppositories as my period comes on its own with the supps, but would be delayed until I stopped the PIO after blood draws, etc. We wait enough without losing a few days each cycle to have the extra progesterone level my blood stream.

I'm more than willing to give myself these shots each day if it would mean keeping this sliver of pink. I just don't want to delay the inevitable, though.

I hate the waiting...

Oh, Snap...

"We interrupt your regularly scheduled blog post to bring you some late breaking news."

I know I said I'd be posting about the blog awards today. For now, I'm just going to thank Jen over at The Chronicles of Violetta Margarita, Ashlee at Savor the Moment and Amanda at Our Fertility Journey for the awards. I'll do the other requirements later! Promise!

There is pregnancy test and symptoms talk down below. If you don't want to read on, I completely understand and might even do the same if I was reading this.

I'm home from work today, nursing a killer headache that hit me yesterday afternoon and hasn't left yet in spite of the Tylenol and Ibuprofen I've taken. On top of that, my chesticles (I love the Boy and his made up words!) have been achy and hurting the last several days, I've been having cramps that span down low and pinch on both sides, and then there is that pressure feeling at the back of my throat. All since Monday. When my temp dropped.

I've been spending more time trying to explain them away than looking for new symptoms. I've really tried hard not to read anything into them. We all know how our bodies hate us and like to play tricks with our minds. I don't believe in any of the things I've been feeling.

Because I'm scared. Petrified, really.

I took a test this afternoon, confident that nothing would show up. Heck, it wasn't 1st morning urine and I'm only 9dpo. It's far too early for anything to show up and my pee couldn't be concentrated enough if there was. I took it to prove to myself and my body that there is no way I could be pregnant. I had a huge cyst on my right ovary and I didn't take any of my Ov stims. My temp hasn't really rebounded from Monday.

I peed on that plastic stick (one of the 3-pack I bought last cycle b/c the cyst was making me think I was pregnant) and stuck it right back in the wrapper. I set it on the coffee table while I started to write the Blow Award post.

...

...

...

The faintest of lines is there. Even lighter than the 1st test in January. A hair of a pink-tinged line. This has to be my imagination. There is no way. Maybe it's just the antibody line that I'm seeing? An evap line? In the time limit?

I posted it up on can you see a line.com (don't click the link if you don't want to see a pee-soaked stick). It's 7 for 7 right now on "Positive" votes. I think I am going to throw-up. Not in a morning sickness kind of way, either. In a sheer terror/anxiety sort of way. I had to talk myself up and still hesitated when I went to let the Boy know I had tested, even though I had said I wouldn't unless my period didn't show.

I can't really even say I'm excited or tentatively optimistic. I'm stunned, in disbelief, and most of all scared. I am so very afraid I'll loose this one too, if the line isn't a lie. I'm scared that all the IF friends I've made are going to turn away. I mean I'm barely an Infertile at 10m/11cycles in to TTC. I'm afraid that maybe the line is all in my imagination, and I'll never get pregnant again.

Right now, all I feel is fear.

Who ya gonna call? Myth Busters!

Ok, I changed my mind. I'm going to go a-myth-busting today rather than tomorrow (award ceremony to be held then). I decided to participate in Resolve's Bust a Myth Challenge weeks ago. I then saw the Ladies in Waiting Book club were also participating. I signed up for both! I figured the more avenues I explore, the more I can help and get the word out, maybe even connect to other women that are having the same issues we've had.

So without further ado -

Myth - “You’re infertile because of your lifestyle”

Busted! - “You work too much”

“You should eat more/less. You’re too thin/big”

“You worry too much. Just relax”

“You’re always away from home”

I’m not sure how many other women have heard these things from helpful friends and family, but I don’t know a single person that is/has experienced Infertility that hasn’t had someone tell them about some diet, exercise, stress relief, what-have-you that will aid in conception. It’s like they think that it is some lifestyle choice that we’ve made that is keeping it all out of reach for us.

So what could it be about my lifestyle that is so unreceptive to having a baby? Financially stable (ish)? Eating healthy? Having a decent balance between work and home? I just can’t figure it out. We’ve even made improvements in some areas that were a bit less than ideal when we 1^st realized we may have a problem. We are both the healthiest we’ve been, far more connected and emotionally close than we were, and are ready in every imaginable way for a little one to call our own.

Like so many infertile couples, we don’t drink (much), smoke, do drugs, catch STDs, have wild weekend parties and benders or push our bodies to some other extreme limit. We are just an average, everyday couple, doing what typical married people do and start a family. Infertility is not because of some choice we’ve made or not made. We just have been dealt an unfortunate hand. Nothing we change in our perceptions or routines will magically knock me up without the aid of medical mojo.

Working too much, worrying, and not being at an absolute perfect weight are not preventing my unfashionably late eggs, or too short LP from being more timely. Working less and not worrying didn’t do anything to prevent the miscarriage, either as I took 2 days off work to enjoy "being pregnant" with my husband. None of those apply to the Boy’s boys as he’s almost always relaxed and does just what he has to at work without doing too much extra, and almost the same at home. Maybe his easy-going nature and chill demeanor is the reason his swimmers are too mellow? Finally! A downside to “relaxing”!

In all seriousness though, if lifestyle choices caused Infertility, there would be no babies born to strung-out, overdosing moms; athletes wouldn’t be able to reproduce; and teenagers and college kids wouldn’t “accidentally” get pregnant from that one night stand they can’t remember after that wild party. In fact, if more people practiced our general and reproductive health choices, there wouldn’t be Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, birth defects from lack of folic acid and other vitamin and nutrient deficiencies, or babies that are abused, starving or homeless.

If there was some fault in our lives that we could change and not have to experience the heartbreak, pain, and anguish of Infertility, I’m sure all of us would do what ever was in our powers and abilities to fix it ASAP. If only it were that easy…

To suffer from Infertility is not a choice that someone makes by doing or not doing X, Y or Z. There is no change in our daily habits that can be made to magically make us fertile. By the point most couples have reached the “infertile” diagnosis, they have most likely already run the gamut of “What can we change or do to improve our chances” analysis on every aspect of their life and have probably exhausted every conceivable “fix”. At this point, Infertility becomes the lifestyle, working its way into every nook and cranny of our lives.

Infertility is not because of some inherent problem in how we are living our lives. No. We experience Infertility because of medical issues that plague our bodies. And unfortunately, there isn’t much that one can do on their own to repair or overcome what in their body is malfunctioning. That isn’t a choice that we can make. We can't just will  or decide when our bodies work, and it can't be helped without the intervention of medical professionals, not to mention time, effort, money, blood, sweat, and tears. 

The only choice we can make about Infertility is how we deal with it. We can choose to continue to have hope and move forward. We have a choice not to let it define us as women or men. We are able to choose to be happy (or sad or mad). We have a choice to reach out to other for support and understanding, to share our stories and have our voices heard.

 *** My preliminary Myth Busting can be read over at The Ladies in Waiting Book Club. ***

*** More information about Infertility can be found at http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 ***

***For background and to participate in National Infertility Awareness Week® (NIAW), visit http://www.resolve.org/takecharge. ***       

You can also bust your own myths - Go to Resolve's Bust an Infertility Myth Submission Guidelines to see how!

All choked up!

I am so moved and awe-struck to hear that my NIAW FB postings have inspired others to do similar! I am truly touched to have had such an impact on others and I hope that you are all rewarded with the same for your honesty and effort to spread awareness and education. I wish you all find the support and understanding of those close to you (and possibly even almost strangers - we all have those people as "friends")!

I'm only 2 status posts in to my NIAW schedule, but I already feel like I've accomplished my goal. I was able to let one person know that they aren't alone in this. That there is support and hope out there waiting for them. Other than that friend contacting me, the response has been fairly subdued. My mom likes and comments. A few friends do the same. Women that I'm FB friends from a TTC forum have shared and reposted the links.

It's not a huge wave, but even the littlest ripples can affect the whole pond. I'm making a difference. I'm awe-inspired by myself right now. If you had asked me even 6m ago if I thought I'd be posting IF stuff on FB and letting people know some of those personal details about our journey, after scoffing about dealing with infertility, I would have pulled back immediately and retorted with a "Yeah, Right!" or "I would never!" Yet here I am, sharing with all 127 Friends on FB that IF is real, it's difficult and overwhelming, but there is hope and support and friendship waiting for you to just reach out your hand to take it. I. AM. making a difference!

I'll be posting my Busted up Myth on Wednesday. Until then, I'll probably be chronicling my FB posts and the comments and reactions I receive. I haven't forgotten the Blog awards that some of you fine ladies have bestowed upon me! That's probably for tomorrow's post.

One last thing in closing here, which also related to the title - I have a rather familiar queasy pressure at the back of my throat today, lightheaded along with a bit of dizziness. My boobs are sore and achy, and I won't even mention my nip sensations... I'm 7dpo. I'm scared to read into these, given that my temp dropped from ~98.6F to 98.2F this morning. Maybe my homemade chicken stir-fry isn't agreeing with me?

NIAW posting update!

My FB post/status today was just some general info, etc on infertility via the CDC. Much to my surprise and amazement, a friend of ours sent me a message asking if my postings were because we were trying but having trouble, and that they have been trying as well and nothing so far at almost a year.

If nothing else, my goal with my postings has been achieved! She now knows she's not alone in this! I am very excited about connecting and getting closer to her because of this. Maybe I'll be able to pass on my IF experience and some tips/info/pointers to help them out. At the very least, I can be a shoulder of support for them as they continue on their baby-making journey.

One day into NIAW and I've already made a difference! My heart feels so full of hope right now. For them. For us.

Busting?

Like I mentioned last post, I have a post up my sleeve that will be for Resolve's "Bust an Infertility Myth Blog Challenge." It's not too late if you'd like to also participate!

This post isn't it, but I saw this the other day on Pintrest and I just had to share it with ya'll!

 

 

 

Candy never comes out of my uterus! :(

I think this would be a great party activity for the infertiles of the world! "Mad about a failed cycle? Didn't ovulate this month? Suffering through an unwanted "visitor" this month? Grab a stick and beat the crap out of a uterus! Anatomically correct with cervix, fallopian tubes and ovaries! Take out your rage, frustration, and disappointment on this hand-crafted pinata!"

The maker recommends filling with your choice of candy and plastic babies. May I also recommend stuffing it with wads of cash, watches and red food coloring? You know, to represent the time and money that you've put into your reproductive parts, only to have your period.