I don't know if it is the hormones, or what, but I've started having countless instances of extreme anxiety recently. I'll be happy, smiling, and just content with life one second, and petrified the next.
Holy. F'ing. Geez.
I've spent the last 16 months focusing on getting (and staying) pregnant. Why is it just now occurring to me start thinking (read: worrying) about actually having a baby and being a mom? I'll just be sitting/laying around, enjoying a few kicks and punches when -
WHAM!
Are we ready for a baby?!
Will we be good parents?!
Am I able to be 100% responsible for the well-being and life of another person?!
I've been so blinded by reaching the 1st step and keeping my footing that I haven't looked at the destination. I was so wrapped up in the idea of being pregnant and the thought of a baby that the actual baby was never a solid, corporeal thing.
While I'm sure this is completely normal, I still feel immensely guilty for it. Here I am at a place that so many women (and couples) would give limbs to be at, and I'm freaking out about it.
WTF, Christina!?!
I've had these thoughts a feelings off and on before, but more in a far away, day-dreamy sense. I don't know if it has to do with the fact that I can now see baby moving around from outside or the fact that people have started to buy us things and pass on baby stuff. maybe it's because "viability" is just around the corner. I don't know, but, we are at the point that we need to start putting things together and planning for this real, live, fast approaching baby that we so desperately wanted.
How much will I start freaking out when my lil sister moves out of the spare room, and I no longer have an excuse to put off doing a nursery? Or when we start up our registries? Or planning showers?*
Don't get me wrong. I still feel extremely and immensely blessed to be where I'm at, to have had a (so far) practically uncomplicated pregnancy. Insanely lucky, really. But I just can't seem to prevent these little, mini-panic attacks. I feel just horrible having them when this is something we worked so hard to have, for far less time (and money) than so many of you out there. I feel even worse complaining about them. However, I feel that if anyone could truly understand my fears and feelings, it would be this community. Very few people IRL seem to get my hesitation at diving head first into all things baby-obsessed.
"Gasp! You haven't started the nursery or a registry or named the baby and planned its whole life? You need to get on that! The baby will be here before you know it!!"
I'm sure there has to be some way to deal with all this anxiety and worry. I mean, something other than staying pregnant for the rest of my life. **
* My mom has mentioned planning one, but that (thankfully) got put on hold when my dad got laid-off. Now that he's been offered and accepted a job, she has a ton of other things on her plate to keep her busy and stressed-out over. The previously PG-SIL, however, emailed last night to offer to host/throw us one. We are touched, but I'm freaking out at the prospect of a) the registry, b) a huge fuss being made over me, and c) Holy crap- the impending avalanche of baby things.
** While I've enjoyed, truly enjoyed being pregnant, I couldn't fathom staying this way forever. I'm sure I'll reach the point where it would no longer be funny that I can't get up from laying down without rocking myself up/rolling to my side or dropping food on my now larger boobs and belly. That, and staying PG forever would make me HAVE to go shopping for maternity clothes, rather than making due with pj pants/yoga pants/stretching my regular shirts down for my wardrobe.
People are always acting like I should have the baby's name picked out and registry completed (we actually did start working on that one) and room finished. I don't know if it's because they have no idea what it's like to go through IF or because they don't realize how many things can still go wrong. I've been very cautious about doing to many of these things "early" too. My favorite is when people act like I'm not a "planner" because of it....seriously, they have no idea how planned this baby was!
ReplyDeleteYour feelings are VERY normal! I have had those freak-out moments before, and then I just move on. Anytime I freak out about doing something like planning the nursery, I stop, don't tough it for a few weeks, and then take it back up when I'm more comfortable with it. It seems to work so far! Hang in there - you have plenty of time. Honestly a baby doesn't really need much stuff anyway, so even if you can't get it together until after your baby is born - no problem! :)
ReplyDeleteI just found this post so funny. But in this amusing, how adorable is Christina? Sort of way. Does that make sense?
ReplyDeleteGlad to see a post from you, it's been a while!
xoxo
One of the biggest gifts we can give ourselves as pregnant infertiles is the permission to have a pregnancy and pregnancy "feelings" just like any other woman. Sometimes I think we are too hard on ourselves and make ourselves feel guilty about things that are only natural to feel.
ReplyDeleteI just wrote a post about the crazy pregnancy anxiety a couple of days ago. I am with you 100% and I think it has to be hormones. If not, I am full-on crazy. I completely sympathize with the guilty feelings, but I'm getting a lot of feedback from my IF friends that they don't see my feelings as insensitive at all. I think the IF community is great about understanding that the residual effects of IF stay with us post-IF pregnant ladies.
ReplyDeleteI also wanted to share that I am in the midst of working on my baby shower stuff (because, being the control freak I am, I am running the show) and my registry and I have found both incredibly stressful. Fun...but stressful. I didn't expect that. So, my advice would be to take as much time as you need and don't push yourself to hard because it just makes the anxiety worse. I believe things will get done when they need to be...for you and for me.