Friday, June 24, 2011

My Changing Relationship with Food

I love food. LOVE it! And thankfully, I was blessed with my dad's metabolism so my love affair has been fairly well disguised. I ate whatever I want, almost whenever I wanted, and as much of it as I could put in my stomach. I have a few food allergies so I tend to avoid those things as to not spend a day hugging the toilet. But barring those items, nothing was off limits! Healthy. Junk. I ate it all.

These days, things are a bit different. Actually, a LOT different.

I eat no where near as much at a time as I had prior, but have to eat more frequently. I was a grazier anyways, but now it's just ridiculous! There is almost always food in my mouth. Breakfast. Post-breakfast snack. Nibbling. Pre-lunch snack. Lunch. Post-lunch snack. Nibbling. Afternoon snack. Nibbling. Early evening snack. Dinner. Post-dinner/pre-bed snack. Ridiculous.

What I eat has also changed. Strangely. I love snacking on sweets, yogurt, fresh fruits and veggies. Add in dips and I'm set. Or at least I use to... The only fruit I can stomach is grapes, red grapes specifically. And ONLY if they are frozen. Veggies are hit and miss. I'm stuck with anything potato, green beans, and lettuce (but only as a caesar salad). Sweets are a thing of the past. Cookies, brownies, cakes, and all other baked goods don't appeal to me at all. My only sweet friend left is ice cream, but instead of every night it is only here and there.

I miss so many foods right now. I look and think of them longingly. Last Friday taught me not to give in to all of my "cravings" or dietary desires. In the meantime, I'm thinking I might buy some stock in the potato and cheese markets. Oh and the Mexican food restaurants! You can never go wrong with cheese, potatoes or Mexican food! With that, I'm thinking I may have some chips and queso dip for my post-dinner/pre-bedtime nibbling...

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Random Run-down

I've been a bad, bad blogger and just about as poor a commenter. "I've been tired" just seems like a lame, cop-out excuse to me. So to catch everyone up on what's been going on my world (because on top of exhaustion, I actually did do some stuff!), I'm going to do a rambling, hopefully brief run-through of my life recently.

Both mothers have been hounding me about when they can tell every imaginable person about their soon-to-be newest grandchild. They still don't quite understand my hesitance but have respected my wishes to this point. I told them that I'll only hold them to secrecy until after the 12wk appt for the  nuchal scan and bloodwork. I don't plan on telling the rest of the world just yet, but I don't think it is fair to demand they contain their excitement until I feel ready. That may not be until there is a real, honest to goodness baby in my arms.

Towards the end of last week the nausea was subsiding, and in my jubilation, I treated myself to a McD's egg and cheese biscuit and hash browns on Friday. I've been wanted one for weeks, and it was delicious! Unfortunately, it ended in tragedy as I got to re-experience them a few hours later in the restroom stall at work, 20min before a meeting with my boss. So glad I told him prior. I could not mask my obvious "delicate state", at least not with my face drained of color and the random pauses in convo I had to make to settle myself. Half day of work for me thanks to my 1st puke of this pregnancy.

My little sister came into town Friday-Sunday and stayed with us. It was fun hanging with her and catching up on life. We carpooled to the Zoo on Sunday for our family trip on Father's day. It was tons of fun and the weather didn't get too miserable. The kids were too adorable to watch as they took in all the sights and animals. I took a few rounds on stroller duty and was told that I should get my practice in now. Hello! I've pushed strollers before, numerous times. Just because I'm pregnant now doesn't mean I forgot how to do so! All in all, a really good day spent with family and playing with toddlers.

I've been using my doppler nightly/every other night for a few minutes. Just long enough to find and enjoy the relaxing rhythm that reassures me that something is still kicking away in there!

I've officially tapered off the PIO. It was a nerve-wracking week and a half/2wks. My rear end couldn't be happier, but my toilet paper inspection has elevated to another level of insanity. Coincidentally, I have a 1/2 full vial and a 2nd full vial (given to me by PG-SIL) of PIO  along with countless syringes, needles and injection periphenalia that I have no clue what to do with at this point. As they've been opened and used, I know I can't donate them to the RE's clinic.

I also had a few infertile freak-out moments on Sunday while we were over at BIL/PG-SIL's house. As she is on maternity leave, not entirely enjoying her colicky daughter, she's been watching lots of TLC shows and the like (Freak-out#1 - Are you seriously complaining about your baby crying all the time and the only thing that soothes her is nursing? Just nurse her, even if you think she has "had enough to eat" for Kermit's sake!). This includes the Dug.gar's show on their umpteen children. The oldest son and his wife just found out they were expecting their 2nd on their daughter's 1st birthday (Freak-out#2 - Seriously!? PG again that soon?!). They told their family and friends at the birthday party a few days later (WTF!?!). THEN!! went on live television on the show and announced it to the whole world. At 7w. SEVEN WEEKS!! I about lost my sh1t. I'm officially 11w today, and I haven't told anyone outside of my immediate family, 2 close couple friends, and my boss. That's it. I don't even know when I'll tell anyone else or if I'll even say anything. Maybe I can just wait until they ask why I look like I'm smuggling a beach ball around?

The other infertile moment I had Sunday was when B&SIL mentioned about what we have to look forward to in a few months. Me - "I hope so, assuming everything actually works out until then." No response from them. I'm not sure if they even realized that I'm not fully comfortable in my pregnancy, that I don't 100% believe that pregnancy = leaving the hospital with a baby. I'm not and I'm not sure when/if I'll be more confident that everything will work out perfectly.

Lastly, I registered for prenatal/birth education and yoga classes at the hospital. Yikes. The info the OB's office said to register for things in the 1st tri for your 3rd as classes fill up. The Type A planner in me had to stick to those guidelines. I don't want to miss my opportunity to take these classes and get the tour of the hospital and wards! It felt incredibly weird and terrifying, almost like I was tempting fate, when I hit that "submit" button.

So that wasn't really brief, but that's been Me for the last while. Now, I'm going to take my pre-bedtime nap.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

MacGyvering Pregnancy

My Dad taught me well. I've always been able to fanagle and jerry-rig things to work to make do as I'm not great at actual repairs of certain things. Duct tape, paperclips, rubberbands, you name it. I've used loads of everyday items to get things both at home and at work in psuedo-working order.

This "MacGyvering" (if this is an unfamiliar term to those not US, MacGyver was famous for using bubblegum, paperclips and string to make explosives and planes) has now extended into my pregnancy. Not so much in dealing with symptoms or disguising my burgeoning belly of bloat. More in the context of my wardrobe. Specifically, my pants.

It's been about 2 weeks since I could comfortably button my jeans or even wear my lounge pants across my belly. Until this past week, I've just made do with unbuttoning them when sitting down or at friend's and family's' places. This week, however, the waistline expansion makes this simple option far too obvious.

I've tried the hairband/rubberband trick from the button to the slot. Unfortunately, the gap isn't substantial enough for the band to stay on the button, making it even more obvious than just the protruding flaps. Hi there, you colorful rubber band!

I've gone so far as to purchase a belly band. I even wore it for one full work day. It takes wearing it "just so" as to not wiggle up and around to my belly, leaving my unbuttoned/unzipped fly exposed and my pants shifting their way south. I spent far too much time fixing and readjusting that thing. I think it will be a great option when I have more actual belly sticking out to keep it from wandering up.

So what's a girl to do at this point? I'm not wanting to buy lots of maternity wear, and especially not now when it less "baby" and more just bloating. Que the MacGyvering! This is what I've been rocking most days this week:

Excuse the poor quality. You know how phone pics can be.

That's right! A simple little carabiner! Not only does it nicely slip through the loop, but that little crimped part holds the button perfectly! Plus, I can just slide the button in and out of it like that of overalls. An even greater bonus is that it lays pretty flush with the waistband and there isn't this odd jutting under my shirt. I'm not sure how long this will last, but I'm going to ride it out for as long as I can! Feel free to steal this idea if you'd like.

Anyone else have any great "Wardrobe Wrangling" stories like this?

Saturday, June 11, 2011

"Why Me?"

There has been a lot of sad and disappointing news in the blogosphere lately. Losses. Failed cycles. Just bad news.

It all seems so unfair. I've seen posts where a lot of women are asking the universe "Why me?" or more often "Why not me?"

Why not them? They've put in the time, the countless cycles, the money, blood, sweat and tears. Why don't they have their babies yet? It just isn't fair.

And that has me contemplating "Why me?" Why have I been blessed, so far, with a healthy, viable pregnancy when couples trying for years longer than me are no closer to a baby than they were long before we started trying? Why has my baby continued to grow and live when so many women out there have had miscarriage after miscarriage, stillbirths and all forms of losses? What makes my little fetus any better or more deserving than those lost?

It make my heart hurt to read post after post of loss and grief, be it a failed cycle or failed pregnancy. There are far too many of them in this community. Unfortunately, there is nothing anyone can do to fix the problem. I can't make anything better for those that are still wondering down that long, long road to parenthood. I wish there was, but I know it is beyond what little power I have to control or influence.

And mostly, I feel guilty. I see these posts of heartache and heartbreak and am torn on whether to post or not. Does my "I'm so very sorry" comment hold as much weight as someone who is still on the front lines? Do my condolences help  alleviate any of the sadness and grief these women and their SOs are feeling? Or am I just inadvertently rubbing my good fortune in their faces? Does some one who just had another BFN really want to hear me offering support and suggesting they hang in there?

I've haven't been posting very frequently lately and the above is partly why. I truly don't want to alienate those that are still trying from my blog. I don't want to make pregnancy post after pregnancy post here. It just seems so inconsiderate of those that have been there and offering their support these past several months. I don't want it to seem that I'm flaunting my Ob appts and symptoms. The other reason is because it's pretty much the same day in and day out with only minor variations here and there. No one wants to read the same pregnancy-centric post time after time.

I'm just not comfortable discussing my pregnancy in general. Not on my blog. Not in the other TTC/PG related sites and forums. Not with family or friends. Not truly comfortable at least. I may seem to be fairly open about it, but just like everything else, I'm pretty good at putting on the "everything is fine and dandy" act for others.

Is my day-to-day life and pregnancy worth posting? Are they something people actually want to read? Is it off-putting to those that have been dealing with loss and IF longer than I? I don't want to add any additional hurt and upset for these people over something I'd only be posting for posterity?

Tuesday, June 7, 2011


I caved. I gave into the fear. I admitted it and just gave into it.

I've purchased a home fetal doppler. It should be here tomorrow.

I thought I could be strong and just make it to my next appt at the end of the month. Heck, millions of women don't even get to see the baby on ultrasound until this point. I've already seen it twice.

And yet, millions of women get early ultrasounds and have already heard the heartbeat several times by now. I feel left out. Sure, I've got 2 really good u/s with things being just as they should and measuring right on target. But I've only seen the flicker of that little heart. I haven't experienced the the woosh-woosh-wooosh that so many women, both fertile and not-so-fertile alike, have had the joy of experiencing. I can't wait 23 more days for that.

I know I may not hear it right away, but it is completely likely that I'll hear it before my next appt. According to the Ob I saw on Thursday, my uterus is tipped forward. Maybe that will make it easier to pick up sooner? All I know is I'm very eagerly awaiting the arrival of the $56 piece of equipment. My birthday gift to myself.

In other news, my "morning" sickness has amped up a bit more the last few days to the point I have made Contingency Plans in case I need to up-chuck during work hours. I've come to terms with having to actually use the bathrooms at work these days, but I don't know if I can bring myself to get face to face with them.

Also, it seems that my ALT and AST liver function levels are slightly elevated. I go in for a redraw/recheck next Monday. This worries me a bit. I found out from the boss when I filled him in on my "condition" that one of the lab members has Hep B. My blood work came back negative for Hep B, but still... On top of that, the Boy received a blood transfusion during an operation as a little baby. Yes, before 1982. He had "elevated" liver enzyme levels from a function test years and years ago, while we were dating. An Internalist said most likely Hep C, but didn't take into account several of his medications that impact liver function. His neurologist hasn't raised any concerns over these levels before, as he monitors them for medicinal toxicity.  I know I'm probably freaking out for no reason, but yikes. I mean, it is obvious we had unprotected sex (duh!) so I could have contracted Hep C if he actually did have it. Just like everything else on this journey, I'll just have to wait and see.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

The Reveal (#2)

Alright, I guess it is time to suck things up for a bit and fill everyone in on the news sharing weekend at my parents. I'm just a week late on it. Oh well. Here it is, from the beginning:

I was initially going to head up to my parent's house on Friday morning and just spend the day. This was before I was informed about the get-together the Boy was planning that same evening for my birthday. I had to reschedule with my mom, but she was happier about it because coming up on Sunday meant I was staying overnight and leaving Monday afternoon/early evening. And yes, it would just be me as the Boy had to work Sunday and Monday. It worked out better that I go alone because it meant he would be able to watch Cricket at home rather than us finding someone else to petsit.

Maz and I load up in my car and start the 1.5hr trek. I have my emergency kit of bags and paper towels and my little snack pack of nausea-abating foods. We survived the drive only down half a bottle of ginger ale, a couple packs of captain wafer crackers and 2 packs of sweettarts. Woohoo! Once all the dogs have settled down after the hellos and I've unloaded our things upstairs, Mom and I can finally spend some time catching up.

I bring in her "belated Mother's day" present and she hands me a birthday card. I practically had to beg her to open her gift for 20min before she did. She read the card, in which I had written "Keep your calendar open for January 2012. Love, Me, Boy, and baby." She was puzzled a bit until she saw "baby", looked at me and asked "Really?!". When I nodded, she tossed up the card and gave me a huge hug! Actually, several hugs. I had to prompt her to open the actual gift - 2 onesies with the u/s pic sandwiched between. One had a line of pointy teeth underneath "Little monster" (an inside joke/term of endearment for babies) and the other with a "Hi, my name is Trouble" badge on it. She loved them! When she went to show my dad, who had just woken up (works night shift), he kinda just nodded and gave a "that's nice dear" and "they're a bit small for you don't you think?" before shuffling away to have his coffee.

Two of my 3 sisters with kids in tow came over that evening for my belated birthday dinner, and my mom did the reveal the same as she did for my dad. My older sister was super stoked while my just younger sister seemed a bit unimpressed. My oldest nephew who is at the lovely age of 14 laughed saying I was going to get fat. My 2nd favorite reaction(s) came from my 3yo nephew and 2yo niece (younger sister's). They were told Aunt me was having a baby and just asked "where baby?" to which I replied "in my belly." Periodically that evening, they'd point to my stomach and shout "Baby!"

The majority of both days were spent playing with the little kids and all 3 dogs, talking with my sisters, and hanging with my parents. I'm not sure what it was, but both days the little kids were all about playing with me and even wanted me to sit with them at the kiddie table for dinner. There were a few "close calls" with the nausea, the worst being when my mom took me out to lunch on Sunday. I just couldn't finish my lunch after collecting myself in the ladies' room.

Overall, I think things were too busy to focus much on the nausea and fatigue when you have 3 large dogs, 3 kids under 4y, and about 8 adults buzzing all around you. Plus, there was food laying out almost all day on Monday for the Memorial day cookout we were having. Olives, sweet pickles, and broccoli smothered in onion dip hit the spot until the meal was served. I could really only stomach the potato salad, rolls, and pastrami/pepperoni in the pasta salad.

There was 1 really awkward part, though. After my dad had shaken his groggies, we were talking as he was finishing his 2nd cup of coffee. He muttered "Grandpa, huh..." a few times and then dropped his bombshell - "That means the 2 of ya'll had to have... Ewww!" While it was completely in jest, how do you respond to that!? I mean it is obvious that we had to have had some form of sexual contact for this to happen, but how do you admit that to your dad!? I don't remember what I answered with, but I know I stuttered and stumble over some response.

All in all, a nice, family-filled, busy 2 days. I could totally have used a day to recover from the entire birthday weekend before work on Tuesday, though. I sent the most recent u/s pics from Thursday to both parents, called the youngest sister (she's super excited!), tried to call my grandparents, and Boy called his other 2 brothers. Both moms are anxiously awaiting my permission for them to tell everyone and anyone about their newest grandchild on the way. I've given them them the green light to tell other family members (so I don't have to call the whole world), but I have forbidden any FB sharing. I know they are happy and excited, but I just can't stomach the thought of it being broadcast out on the internet for all to see. I'm scared to tell other friends and pretty much anyone other than immediate family at this point. Once it's out there, it can't be taken back. I am not strong enough to tell the world if anything unfortunate were to happen.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

I can't even think of a good title

I feel like such a bad blogger. I've been meaning to post an update about the days I was at my parents and my family's reactions. Things just kept coming up, but mostly, I just kept laying down. I feel horrible posting my symptoms because it feels like I'm complaining about them. I'm really not! I truly hope no one thinks for one second that I am not thankful for every dry heave, cramp, bathroom trip or lack thereof, and headache. Because I am so very thankful and almost relish how strong these things are at times.

They aren't glamorous. They aren't fun. They do make me feel pretty crappy.

But I wouldn't wish them away for anything! Except for maybe an accurate crystal ball or a window straight into there so I could actually see that everything was going great at any time I wanted. Every single time I find myself having to focus on not revisiting what I last ate or how uncomfortable I may feel, I mentally thank my little, growing worm for being so strong and healthy to make me feel this way.

My greatest fear right now is that my body is/will send me all these "reassuring" signals and going forward with things, but my little worm has stopped. Just thinking that a) the baby has gone, or b) all this is for nothing, is almost too much for me to even handle. Thankfully, these thoughts are usually soon followed by the need to pee or some other fluid related bodily function and I'm back to thanking the baby for them again.

Since I've graduated from the RE, have had good blood work and, now, a good ultrasound at my Ob's office, I'm not having any further (medical) reassurance for another 4wks. I know that if something happens or I desperately need it, I could call and schedule another appt or u/s, but I really really don't want to be one of "those" patients - the crazy, bothersome, overly worrisome, pregnant women that thinks the world revolves around their uterus.  So until June 30th, I'm just going to take as much continued comfort in the morning-noon-night sickness, the dry heaves, the smells/food aversions, all the bathroom situations, wild emotions, and everything else my body decides it wants to add to the mix. They are signs of a healthy pregnancy, what I've been striving for since last July. They are the gifts from my baby. I will appreciate them as much as I do that little life growing like a weed inside me.