Sunday, December 23, 2012

Happy Holidays to all!

I know this time of year can be really hard and rough for those still in the trenches. Heck, 2 Christmases ago, we were told that we had a better chance at winning the lottery than conceiving without IVF and ICSI. That was a sad, sad holiday season for me. All I wanted was a baby.

Last year, the only thing I wanted for the holidays was the same, except I was 38w and that dream rainbow baby could have come at any moment. I just wanted a healthy baby born.

This year, I can't really think of much I want for Christmas. Not something that can be purchased for or gifted to me. I can't wait to see Christmas through the eyes of a child, and this year, it's going to be my child. I love the fascination Emma has for the twinkling lights, brightly wrapped presents under the tree, and playing with the (child-safe) ornaments on the tree.

Christmas is a time for family and friends. Those by blood, by marriage. Old and new. Near, far. Those IRL, and those only a mouse click away. I'd like to say that you are all part of my blogging family and internet friends.

From my little family to you, Blogosphere: Merry Christmas, Happy, Hanukkah and the very happiest of New Years. May your dreams come true in 2013!

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Crank it to 11!


Last month as an "infant", but she'll always be my baby.

things have just been crazy between work, home, holidays and chasing after Em. I went on a work related day trip to DC to give a presentation on some work/research we did in conjunction with another institution there with my boss and the other PhD/mini-boss (from last post). It went alright, but man, is it a pain in the keister to fly with a cooler and breast milk! Between prep and traveling for that presentation and holiday prep, time has just slipped through my fingers!

We had Thanksgiving at Boy's brother's house. It was delicious food (BIL is a chef) and good times with the family. Lots of babies though. Em, her 2 cousins there, and 3 cousins from the baby-crazed SIL that just had her boy in September.

So where are we at since last monthly update?

- Walking. Well, really it's mostly attempts to run, but this girl can cross a room upright these days! Crawling is still the fastest mode of self-propulsion around the house.

-  Climbing. She has learned that she can stand on things and crawl into them. his is great for the high chair, any other chair, and her play seat. Not so great for pretty much everything else.

- She speaks! Sorta. "Daat" means either Dad, dog, that or cat. It really depends on what she's pointing at for that moment. But she loves to point at things that she finds interesting.

- Blowing kisses. Completely precious. She even makes the "mwah" sound!

- "Blowing" her nose. As of yesterday, she pretend sneezes into a tissue or cloth or does so in response to us sneezing. Super timely as we are both dealing with the cold from daycare.

She is spending a few days each week in the toddlers room at daycare. It's to get her use to the other kids, teachers, and routine. She does well in there according to the teachers and enjoys the more frequent outside time. And the snack times. Girl loves to eat!

Emma seems to understand what to do with presents. Ribbons, bows, and wrapping paper corners are just not safe in this house. She didn't care too much about the Christmas tree until this past week or so. Now, she likes to play with the ornaments on the lower branches. On, off, on, off, repeat until something moves elsewhere or there is a noise.

Let's talk holiday shopping. We initially only planned to get Em a few things and to start her college fund. I'll just say it is so easy to get swept up buying for your child. She has a gift under the tree from each of us, items in her stocking, and I'm having to keep myself from buying her a cute holiday outfit or toy or what have you. I can't wait to see how she reacts to opening gifts come Christmas.

I still can't believe my next monthly update will be her 1st birthday. We are planning a rather small, casual get-together for the event. I found a party supply theme of Little Golden Books that I think will be awesome for a kid's party.

What a year this has been...

My happy little girl!

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Infertility - The Gift that keeps on giving, and giving, and giving..

Here I am, practically 11m out from being "cured" of my IF with the glorious birth of my baby girl.

And yet, why does a pregnancy announcement still gut me?

Truth be told, it's not just a PG announcement, but a "surprise pregnancy/oopsie" announcement.

I found out on Friday from a friend/co-worker that the co-worker that irritates the daylights out of me on a regular basis had posted on FB that she was expecting a baby boy.

If we rewind to about 1.5-2m ago, I had suspicions that she was pregnant based off behavior and belly shape. I went to check out her FB page as we were friends on there. Or so I thought. De-friended. Oh well, and I shoved it to the back of my mind. Fast forward to a few weeks ago, and I was practically positive she was due to behavior, belly shape, and wardrobe choices. Hubs convinced me that I'm just trying to see babies where there aren't any as I'm "baby-crazy". Besides, Not but a few months before when she was complaining that her BF hadn't popped the question and they'd been together for X yrs, she explicitly stated that she wants kids with him, but much much farther down the line.

Guess that line was much shorter than she thought.

It was also relayed to me that she didn't know she was pregnant until she was about 3m along. How in the World?!?! I thought she was pregnant at that point; how come she was just finding out then? And shockingly, that timing coincided well with them getting engaged.

How on earth is it fair for her to get pregnant on super accident and then to skip out on teh the worry, anxiety and fear of the 1st trimester?

I tried to be the bigger person and sent her a message over the weekend to congratulate them with no response. Monday morning, I sent her a health and safety form that needed to be filled out updating her "status" that really should have been done around the 12-16w mark, not at 5m along. From that stand point though, she really should have told me sooner. If you've told other people in the lab (students, etc), then maybe it would be behoove you to also inform the lab/safety manager so that things can be put into process and your unborn fetus can be protected from potential hazards that you may not be aware of in a laboratory setting?

I tried to suck it all up yesterday and be nice, polite and attempt interactivity. This morning, I knew that was going to be a failure. I couldn't stand being around her and her blase attitude regarding something so many people would give anything to have. I was blinking back tears every time I saw her and her no longer concealed bulging belly.

Each time, it was as if all the fear and hurt and anger from loss and IF came slamming back to me. I kept feeling on the verge of breaking down. I had to do something about it, so I had a little "chat" with her supervisor/my co-worker. I had to fill her in that we went through a lot to have Emma and as such, being around her the last 2 days of it being "official", I just am not handling it well. When it was just my hunch and all, I could just play it off as "She's just fatter now" or that I was seeing things like the Boy said. But with it being really real, I just can't deal with her at the moment. I hated having to have that talk. I had hoped that I could be really professional about it and just bite it back, but alas, IF wins again. Thankfully, she understood and is going to help as best she can to minimize our interactions for a while.

It was still awkward, but at least I wasn't in tears the rest of the day. I hate this so much. I wish there was a cure for IF and the damage it does was easily repaired...