Sunday, September 23, 2012

Can I just run away and hide?

I am so overwhelmed by life these days. The only thing that makes any sense to me and I enjoy is spending time with Emma. Even when she's super cranky, over-tired, and doesn't want to be put down or changed.

I am sick of 1/2 the people at work and all the drama that goes with them.

I'm exhausted and sleep deprived.

My house is a complete disaster.

Our bank account is a hot mess.

I just can't seem to keep anything together these days. They only thing I feel like I'm doing right is Emma.

I can't keep track of my days or hours and before I know it, a week or month has gone by. And I've forgotten to do something or pay a bill. I will sometimes even wonder if delayed post-postpartum depression is possible and maybe I need a med re-evaluation. *Sigh*

My evenings and weekends are a reprieve from the rest of life. Even if I am practically chained to the couch with a baby hanging off my chest the whole night. But I'm there with her. Doing my best to play and talk with her, trying to make her feel better from her mean, mean un-budging teeth. Some times she cries unless I nurse her. Some times she just wants to play. And some times, she just wants to me hold her while she sleeps.

Weekday mornings suck. Weekdays in general suck. I pretty much live my days waiting for that afternoon "break" to see her, and then, pass the time at work until I can go home. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday. Meh. I'm working for the weekends.

And I live for Sunday mornings. Just Emma and I in bed. We sleep in. We spend over half and hour just playing in bed. Laughing. Giggling. Rolling around. Cuddling. I wish that is how all day and everyday could be. It's one of the few time I feel truly happy and content these days. For that 30min or so, everything feels right. I feel like I have to be doing something correct to have a happy child that smiles for me and wants to be with me.

And in the end, I guess that's more important than what my co-workers think or what my credit score is...

So I think I'm just going to run away and hide in bed with my Emma-nem.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Crazy Eights

Ok. I promise at some point I'll make more than just these monthly(ish) posts on Em. I honestly don't know where the hours and days (and weeks and months!) go these days. I always seem to think up things to say when I have no way to put them to paper or type. One day though...

Speaking of time flying by, Em is a freaking 8m old now! When did this happen? I mean other than "on Sept 8th".
New things going on:
- Commando-style crawling, that I think resembles a seal on land. Boy, is she quick though!
- As of Thursday, lowering herself to sitting from standing, intentionally and controlled. It sound simple and mundane, but is a pretty big deal in babyland.
- Sitting to hands & knees and attempts to stand from there. It really just ends up looking like downward-facing dog.
- Fishy/kissy faces and playing with her tongue. She makes noises that sound like a pig grunting.
- Pinching. This one is not so fun while feeding or holding her...
- Moving or "cruising" from couch to ottoman to what ever else is within reach around the room.
- Waving bye-bye or signing "milk." I'm not entirely sure which...
- Separation Anxiety. Mommy is the end-all-be-all and, at times,heaven-forbid if I set her down to do things or leave the room/turn the corner. Thank you, babywearing!
- Out of the infant car seat/carrier; hello big girl convertible car seat!
- She's officially been moved over to the mobile/ "big kid" side of the infant's room at daycare.
- Continued teething, but no teeth yet. They look like they are coming (hopefully) soon!

Chasing after Mommy. Can't believe she'd just set me down here!

Mommy is my favorite gym!
Em also had her 1st sick baby visit to the ped. She started having this spotty, pimply rash on her legs, chest, and back. There had been a couple of cases of Hand, foot & mouth (coxsackie virus) at the center, so I took her into check. Not anything to worry about as it was just a reaction to a common little virus that will need to run it's course. She didn't have any fever or diarrhea, just eye gook.

Em shared her 8m birthday with her new cousin. The previously and now PG again SIL had her boy that afternoon. 7lbs, 20in at 37.5w = a big boy; . It's odd to think that Em was smaller than that not too too long ago...

Still not much going on with me these days. I've been dealing with De Quervain tensynovitis or "mommy thumb"  in my right and dominant hand and having to wear a stabilizer brace off and on for the last several weeks. I'd also like to thank babywearing again as it let's me carry her without strain on my wrist or awkwardness in using my left side.

Just another sign that my body sucks at hormones.

An additional, more obvious sign is the unwelcomed return of acne. I was super lucky that pregnancy actually improved my complexion. It was soft, supple, and practically pimple free! Now, it's back to being (and possibly worse than before) dry, oily, and just break-outs galore. I've tried mild soaps, acne washes, toner, just water, moisturizers, oils - I'm not sure what else to do. I've been trying to drink extra fluids as I've heard hydration is the best thing for your skin, but no such luck here.

I know it's a common complaint among IFs, but it still pisses me off. I know it's possible for me to have fantastic skin as I was blessed with it for ~9m. I mean, I already miss being pregnant. This is just one more thing that make me miss it even more. Mind you, I'm not looking to start on #2 yet or for a while. I just want to have the pregnancy experience without the labor and all at the end. Oh and I could do without the nausea of it as well. I feel kinda weird admitting that as it seems sacrilegious to say after IF and to those going through it. "I want everything about being pregnant, except the baby at the end." I absolutely loved being pregnant, but as for another baby, I really just want to focus on Em and enjoy her for another year or so before adding to our family.