Thursday, July 28, 2011

The quickest appt EVER!

So I had 2 appts today. First thing in the morning was my 16w check-up. Afternoon was with the therapist. The real meat is in the afternoon's appt, but the funniest stuff was from the morning!

Wake up. Get ready. Head to OB's with Hubs in tow. On the way there, I realized I had forgotten deodorant. Go me! I have a travel stick in a drawer at work, but that was going to be about an hour later I could access it. Thank you crazed health paranoia that has been going on these last few years. Hand sanitizer is a quick fix for no deodorant. If it kills the germs on your hands, it should kill the germs/bacteria in your pits that cause you to get musty. Plus, they are usually lightly scented, so that also helps! I slather mine while I go and do my routine, pre-appt pee-in-a-cup. (Rather than using this urine to dip a ov test or hpt, they use it to check for protein and stuff).

I was suppose to have the usual urine, weight, BP work up, a visit with one of the Drs, and blood work to check on my thyroid levels. Urine was clear. I've gained 3.5lbs since last visit. BP was 100/59.

"Are you having a glucola test?" Uh, not that I'm aware of? "Sit here to wait for teh lab tech to draw your blood."

"Actually, the Dr wants to see you 1st. You know, in case he wants to add any more tests to the draw. Don't want to stick you more than we have to!" Whatever. "Have you had a glucola test yet?"

The remaining 10 min of my appt were as follows: Greet Dr. He's about to retire so not really sure why they felt I needed to see him before he left, but whatevs. Then begins the Q&A.

"How are we doing?" - Good, slight ease in the nausea. "Good."

"Any questions?" Not really at this point. "Any concerns?" Not really. (What I really wanted to say was, Not really, other than going through this all and not going home with a baby. I just didn't think that is what he was referring to though!).

"No bleeding, cramping, etc?" Nothing other than the expected pulls and stretches as things grow.

Now was the time for me to lay back so he could feel for my uterus and check the heartbeat with the doppler. My uterus was right where it was suppose to be for my gestation. It's weird how it can be so easily felt. While he was using the doppler, he pointed out what noises were the heartbeat (duh), my heartbeat (duh) and what was "kid movement". That one impressed me. I thought those noises were my digestive system moving along! Looks like it was the kiddo bouncing around in there. I do have to say that my Sono.line B is actually quite a bit fancier than the one used there!

"So do you know how to tell the difference between the sexes?" Uh... huh... wha? "Boys have a little extra bit between their legs." Doh!! I was trying to figure out if he meant if I knew how to tell the differences from externally or via heartbeat, etc. Um, actually, I'm fairly familiar with how things look different between them on ultrasounds. I figured there wasn't any other way to tell until they were born. "That's right." and went on to tell me about how his kids did science fair projects about heartbeat, maternal feelings, days of the week vs gender and how none were different than random, 50/50 chance.

"We'll check your levels next appt. That will be in 4wks. We'll get the nurses on scheduling your Level 2 scan in about 2wks. You can find out the gender then if you'd like." And the glucola test all the nurses have been asking me about? "That we don't do until closer to 28w, so I don't know why they were even asking you about it this early."

We schedule the 20w check-up and check out. In and out in 20min! It is a bit crazy though to think that I have 2wks to convince the Boy that we shouldn't find out the gender. I really want it to be a surprise! Apparently, I have to figure out what that is on my own as he won't give me any hints, clues or suggestions about what it would take to change his mind.

I'll go into the shrink appt in another post (next probably) as I really want to cover it well. Teasers: We filled her in on my pregnancy, responses, our feelings, etc. We didn't quite make it to cover all the "issues" I wanted, but we are to do so next appt with her.

Other than that, the last few days have been hectic and a bit frenzied. I missed my prenatal yoga class last week due to the barfs. I also missed the announcement that this weeks was the week the instructor had to reschedule. I felt like a doofus sitting in the room waiting for people to show up after changing into stretch pants, only to walk back out the front door with all my yoga crap 15min later. Plus side was that I actually got to spend some time with the Boy when I though I wasn't going to (not so plus side was that it was at B & SIL's place). SIL put my due date in her iphone so she can keep up with where I'm at in my pregnancy. I don't care, but I think it's a bit of an odd thing to do. I'm ready for a few days of nothing now. Well, other than reading and commenting on other blogs!

Sunday, July 24, 2011

6 Years of (mostly) Wedded Bliss

Saturday, July 23rd, 2011.

The Boy and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary. It's absolutely mind-blowing to think that we've been married for 6yr now. Heck, come Sept, we'll have been together for 10! Complete craziness.

I got to open my gift on Thursday night. They/it arrived that day, he prettied them up in a bag, and had it waiting on the table for me. You maay be asking why he didn't wait until our actual anniversary. See, he's really bad (really, really bad) at keeping things a secret for too long. Plus, he likes to spoil me. All week long, he gave me hints and clues as to what he got me. I couldn't figure it out to save my life. Let's see if any of you can guess it!

1 - You'll really like it, but will probably want to give it to someone else.
2 - One of them you really don't want, but you'll like it.
3 - One of them is something that you really need.

Anyone figure it out? I know I sure didn't. They made a lot of sense though when I opened the gift and saw these:

Yay! Giant Microbes! I love these things, but have never bitten the bullet and splurged to buy any for myself. The cute thing is I actually do some work with leukocytes. Well, I use to as I can't really work with some of the chemicals we use in processing them now that I'm all knocked-up. The dogs were pretty excited about them too, until they realized they weren't new toys for them.

Our actual anniversary day was great, low key, and full of yummy food. We started Saturday off with Boy letting me sleep in. All that really means these days is that I get to be lazy and just lay in bed a bit longer without the pups bothering me to take them out, play with them, etc. But hey, I like just being lazy and staying in bed, so it was nice! He came back to bed, we cuddle and talked about our life these last 6 years and how we feel about things, what we've enjoyed the most, what we love about one another. Reminiscing and being sappy and mushy, really. At some point, I found myself looking up at his face, and felt this unbelievable amount of happiness and love right then that I started crying. Not sure if I can blame it on the hormones or not, but we both got a kick out of that!

Boy suggested we treat ourselves to breakfast out, and suggested IHOP. Apparently, he'd been craving it for a few days. Another instance where I could swear that he was the one that was pregnant in this relationship! I can't say that it didn't sound mighty tasty, so off we went up the road to our local IHOP. Apple juice, fried eggs, bacon, hashbrowns, and a few bites of his pancakes with some butter pecan syrup. YUM! To be honest, I only ate the yolks of the eggs really. The whites have just tasted off to me since, well, you all know why. We had left over hashbrowns that we took home (and I ate this morning for breakfast - yum again!) and left full and happy.

We were off to Targe't, where I was letting him pick out his anniversary gift. I know that is super uncreative, but I was completely caught off-guard and not expecting to do presents this year. Surprise. He picked out a movie (127 Hours - really good) and the 1st season of the Walking Dead (also really good if you like zombie stuff - which he loves).

I was about to keel over at this point, so we came home and napped. Mmmm, sleep...

Then around 6/6:30, it was time to start getting ready for dinner. The Hubs had made reservations for us at the Melting Pot (for 8:30!! but we thought we try to squeeze in early). We'd been there for our 4th anniversary, and OMG! was it delicious! It's a bit $$$, but this is probably the last anniversary for a while that we can go out to such a nice restaurant and just enjoy each other and our food for hours. So, I went and shaved my legs, etc in the hopes that I'd be wearing this dress to dinner:

Sadly, the top of the dress was not nearly as flattering of my fuller bosom as I had hoped. My now larger bra stuck out in the neckline and the empire waist was actually on my boobs. *Big sad face* I tried on another pretty dress I liked, but it strained too mightily across my midsection to be comfortable or presentable even. So, I fell back to a recently purchased, jersey skirt. Not as fancy, but better than any pants I own, none of which can be completely buttoned.

Serious picture
Not serious picture
Awesome arm placement for concealment there! Off we went for a nice, romantic dinner! One thing I love about the Melting Pot is how easily you can do substitutions! We had a nice cheddar-cheesy app fondue followed by Caesar salads. The Boy ordered Filet mignon, steak, salmon and extra salmon in place of shrimp. I was able to just order the chicken platter, but had them add on some spinach ravioli (which they did for free!). The only wine I had this time was in the cooking broth (sad face), and it made everything delicious, regardless of the fact that the alcohol cooked off! We finally started our chocolate dessert course just shy of 10pm. This baby has totally screwed up my sweet tooth! The thing I enjoyed the most with the chocolate were the apples we held onto from the cheese course, followed by the bananas. The cheesecake, strawberries and rice krispy treats were all just "eh" rather than the "YUM" they usually are. It was ridiculous that I wasn't all over the cheesecake! More for the Hubs, which he was more than happy have.

After eating for about 3hrs, we navigated our way back home. I was sooo fully, ridiculously happy, and probably looked like I gained 10lbs in that amount of time. All in all, it was a great anniversary. As much as I enjoyed this year's low-key celebration, I can not begin to describe how excited I am for next year's!

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Milestones and Anniversaries

Wow, how time flies!

I'm just a few posts shy of 100 posts here.

Saturday is our 6th wedding anniversary.

Last week, I was thinking "how awesome would it be to have my 100th post done on our anniversary!"  I don't think that is going to happen. I could try and squeak out a post each day from now until then, but I'm pretty sure they'd read as just filler posts.

So I've just decided that they'll have to be 2 separate posts. 6th anniversary first -probably Friday or Sunday. I think Saturday itself will be a bit busy. Hubs is in charge of making the plans this year. Apparently, my gifts are arriving any day now, and his clues have not clued me in on what they are in the slightest!

For the 100th, maybe I'll just hold that one until after next week's appointments. I have my 16w (holy crap! really?!) checkup in the morning and then finally got around to scheduling an appointment with the therapist. Haven't gone since probably March. It should be interesting to see how things go there. We'll be filling her in on the pregnancy and discussing a few *ahem* "issues" that I've been having these last 2-3mo. I'll probably wait until that post to delve into them to see what she has to say on the matter and suggestions she may have.

As for life in general, it's been pretty normal. Work has only been a little odd since informing. Just mostly questions about how I am, belly stuff and the usual innocent, general public type inquisitiveness. I has made some things a lot easier though.

Like today.

We had an appt for the Boy to see his cardiologist. We get up early, drive there, and wait. Go in for one thing. Wait. Go in for the other. It takes forever. Wait. Oops, a few more images are needed. Wait to see the Dr/fellow. She was excited to learn we are expecting. Funny thing is it came about because he disclosed that he started taking a multi-vitamin, and then mentioned the motility supplements, how long he took those and why he's not taking them. "Haven't taken them in the past month or so. We had some success." Men... (and yes, I had him keep taking them until I was about 10-11w along. At that point, I figured if things didn't work out, we'd have to wait 2-3mo anyways to try again. The supplements would kick in by then)

She made sure that I was aware that we both needed to limit our activity in this oppressive, stifling heat and humidity. I need to stay hydrated to prevent placental something-or-other. She did seem glad to hear that I knew all that (other than the placental thing) and that we'd be having a fetal echo-cardiogram done just to double check that the baby's heart developed normally.

So a long, long morning. Much longer than I had planned and told work. On top of all the waiting, I was exhausted from not sleeping well the night before and waking up fairly early. Oh, and I had an crazy strong bout of nausea. I've been so lucky that no one has been in any of the public bathrooms when I've had to throw up. Sitting around feeling super queasy is not good. All I wanted to do was lay down and sleep.

Which is exactly what I did after informing work that it would be in everyone's best interest if I just stayed home today with my "quite unwell" self. After 2, 2hr naps with lunch in between, I'm feeling a bit more normal. I was disappointed to find out that I missed a Mendel commemorative cake one of the students brought in for the lab. I was also sad to have missed my 3rd prenatal yoga class. I quite like it, but I didn't think bending and stretching forward with my stomach would have been a good idea this evening.

Wow. That was quite a rambling post. That's the exact reason why I'm not going to try and rush to have my big 1-0-0 and anniversary mash-up post. maybe after a good night's sleep, I'll have my head more together and can write something decent!

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Spilling the Beans, all over the floor

I did it.

I took the plunge and announce this pregnancy to the work folks. I went back and forth on the best way to do it. Email? In person for each person? Just randomly bring it up? Just show up wearing clothes that show off my barely-there belly? Just keep waiting until it is obvious to everyone?

The email thing wouldn't work because, well, everything sent/received through work email is publicly accessible. I'd feel weird knowing some random person is aware of my pregnancy and I don't even know they exist. I really almost went with the wait until even a blind person could tell I was pregnant, but these people are also friends. That would be a bit hurtful to me if I was them.

Then, technology epiphany. The one time social networking is beneficial in sharing news discreetly. Enter the FB private message. I lumped them all together in a message, so everyone would be told theoretically at the same time. It went like this - "I figured it was about time to fill you all in if you haven't already figured things out. Boy and I are happy to announce that we are expecting. We haven't gone fully public with this news just yet, so I would greatly appreciate it if no one posts anything about it just yet on my wall (or mention things at work in the presence of others)." Simple, straight-forward, and drives home the fact that I don't want everyone and their mother being told about it.

I wrote that up yesterday morning and enter the next dilemma. Do I send it now before work or wait until it's the weekend, and I don't have to see anyone until Monday? After agonizing over the when for about 5min, I just hit send. I pulled up my Big Girl Underwear (tm), just freaking sent it and headed off to start the work day.

I'm not even in the lab for 10min when one of the grad students run up to me and exclaims how excited and happy she is for us, how great the news is, "Congrats", and gives me a big hug.

In front of the other PI in the lab, who I was going to tell in person later that day.

Que me being utterly flabbergasted and caught unawares. I could barely mutter a "thanks". I could see and feel the PI watching and wondering what the heck was going on there. So, awkward convo #1. I had to go over and tell her right then or avoid her until later. She has suspicions it was something like that since my earlier chat about having a "medical issue" and needing lots of Dr appts. Thankfully, she's British and things like that aren't asked until the info is volunteered. She was very happy for us and understanding about things.

Next came the 2 other Research assistants in the lab that obviously hadn't checked FB that morning. To prevent another super awkward situation like the last one, I told them 1 at a time. Apparently, they both also had suspicions. I'm not sure how the new girl picked up on my behavior changes as they started pretty much when she did. It was uncomfortable telling people in person to say the least. I don't really like discussing things like that, especially not in a professional environment. So I pretty much said just that and how I don't need any special treatment or considerations in my abilities at this time. If there is something I don't feel safe or comfortable doing, I will let someone know and delegate that task to another lab member.

It was a bit funny, though, as some of them thought that my new shirts and sweater that I got back around the same time as I found out were "indicators" of my condition. Completely coincidental. I just needed new shirts and the sweater was to replace my aging hoodies, which were old and a bit informal for my new title in the lab.

It was nice to not have to play things off as something else or avoid answering questions. Now, I can chug my apple juice without curious stares or hide in the back corner of the lab waiting for a bout of nausea to pass. I did get some criticism on waiting so long. Most were shocked to learn that I am almost 15w. They were thinking a lot earlier on than that!

Awkward convo#2 was done over text message. One of the grad students was out of town but wanted to congratulate me. She "knew" something was up and had a "hunch" it was that I'm pregnant. Somehow, she knew it has been a rough year for us. That somehow, I'm 99.99% sure, is the now ex-co-worker that was on maternity leave, after accidentally getting pregnant with her boyfriend and not realizing it for a month or 2, before leaving the lab. She was the only one that knew we were undergoing treatment and about the miscarriage. Otherwise, this year has been really good to us. Oh well. People talk. A lot. It actually reassured me that waiting was the right decision. At least now, I'm getting comfortable in my status, so if word spreads, I'll be better able to handle it now than before.

As for other good, but not super close friends: the Boy was in-charge of his friends since college. He sent them text messages. They were surprised but happy for us. Of course, they joked about him being a dad and how I was a brave, brave woman to bear his offspring. Another group of friends will be informed this evening when we attend a cookout/bonfire hosted by our friends that are just a week or 2 behind me in her pregnancy. The surprise, not-trying-not-preventing ones that told us on my Bday. It should be interesting.

Here's hoping this doesn't mean I'll be getting bombarded by baby-talk from all directions. I don't want to become just what is going on in my abdomen in all facets of my life. Sigh. The word is out, and there is no going back now.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Yup, that about sums it up!

Also, got a link to THIS in my email and thought I'd pass it on to others. Not a huge, huge revelation, but hopefully means big things to come.

Monday, July 11, 2011

A Rant to the Masses

I realized over this weekend the whole range of reasons why I've not really gone "public" about my pregnancy. There are definitely several different reasons, and some of them I know you ladies, PG or on your way there, would agree with wholeheartedly.

In the beginning, one of the main reasons was fear. I was afraid to tell people. I didn't want to put the word out and have to retract it all again in a week or two if things crashed this 2nd time around. It was fear and worry that I might somehow jinx it. I know that is absolutely ridiculous, but I probably would have done all sorts of "good luck" charms and positive incantations if it meant I'd be bringing home a real, live baby at the end. Now that I'm in the for-real 2nd trimester regardless of the website I check, the fear, while not completely gone, is greatly diminished. Several good scans, the constant heartbeat on the doppler, nothing at this moment is giving me any reason to think this shouldn't work out in the end. (Here's hoping!!) I'm starting to feel a bit more relaxed about things in general.

Second, it's not really my thing to be the center of attention or to call attention to myself. I don't like LOTS of fuss to be made over me. You tell anyone really good news and there is bound to be a big to-do about it. When that news involves babies - forget about it being a low-key thing! There are very few people that can just leave it at a "Congratulations!" Most want about 1,000 specific details about the when's, where's, who's and how's.  Not my style in the least.

But the biggest reason I've not been spreading the news like butter on toast? I don't want to talk about pregnancy, being pregnant, or babies everyday, all day. Crazy, I know, but it's not the only thing going on in my life right now. Sure, it is probably the most exciting, but there isn't much to update each and every week. Yup, still pregnant. Yup, still feeling sick. Nope, no real "baby bump" just yet. No, we haven't picked out names. I don't have any inklings about it being a boy or girl or purple, 3-eyed, tree slug.

Parents. Other family members. Friends. Anyone that I've told so far. If I spend any decent about of time around any of them, about 80% of the conversation is centered around my uterus and what will hopefully be coming out of it in January. I don't like talking about myself that much to begin with (see my Second up there). I REALLY don't like talking about my bodily functions and private parts with everyone and anyone. I'm alright with sharing this info and parts with the medical profession. It's expected and kinda required. I do not need to nor want to discuss these with people I actually know and see on a regular basis. And I can not forget about all the advice and suggestions and reliving of other people's pregnancies or their sister's husband's cousin's labor story!! Apparently, people think that being pregnant means you not only want to disclose every little thing your own body is doing, but you are just dying to hear about theirs and anyone elses! But at the same time, I can't seem to let them down or disappoint them, so I nod, listen, and reply with some tidbits. Just the usual, generic pregnancy info.

"Gee, my boobs ARE bigger. Thanks for noticing!"

"How crazy is it to think that the baby is the size of some random item from the produce section and moving around in my growing uterus!?"

"Excuse me. Pregnant lady going to the bathroom for the 4th time this afternoon." And to get away from people to have a few moments of peace and quiet. No fetus-talk. No belly rubbings. Just me, my thoughts, a bit of urine and some CM. It ain't pretty, but it's better company than the pregnancy-crazed masses that seem to surround me.

**ps- I haven't really been posting, but I've been keeping up with everyone I was following! I've been having commenting issues and a dying laptop issue to contend with, so I can't always comment or reply to the things I want to! Just know that I'm cheering for you all - be it for good news, that long-awaited BFP, or continued success in your own pregnancy (don't feel pressured to tell me what fruit your baby is this week though!).

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Celebrating Freedom

I know not everyone reading this is an American, but I wanted to wish all that are a happy, safe, and fun Fourth of July! I hope everyone remembers that it is more than just a day for cookouts and fireworks (but enjoy those as well if you are having them!).

While we aren't doing anything big for the 4th in our household as Boy works all day tomorrow, we've had a busy Saturday before the 4th! Went to a pool party at SIL's parents' followed by a cookout at my IF mentoree E's place (she'll find out by Tues if her 1st clomid cycle worked or not- FX'd for her!). Good food, family and friends. I was exhausted! We may be watching some early fireworks with a work friend of mine later this evening as well. A jam-packed weekend.

Over the course of this long weekend, in light of another great check up and the fact that I'll be in the 2nd Tri on the 5th, I've considered making my "condition" known to other people in my day-to-day life. I'm not sure how or exactly when I'll actually start, but it is kind of freeing to make the decision to do so, nonetheless. While not completely declaring my independence from IF, I've at least decided to stop living under its shadow for the time being. It's time to move forward, while not forgetting what all it took to get here.

I've been a bit selfish with this pregnancy. I've enjoyed keeping it mostly to just Hubs and I. Our fetal monitor listening sessions. My growing and changing body. After a bit of processing things ourselves, we share it with the parents. Anyone else has to pretty much drag the info out of me. The few people outside of close friends and family have either found out by asking me point blank if I was pregnant or by someone else's slip (primarily BIL).

The shift to volunteering the information is odd feeling. The more people that know, the more real things are going to feel. It's less likely to be a dream if 20, 30 or more people are aware of  and talking about it. Plus, if anything does happen to go wrong from here on out, I'm going to need a ton of support and understanding. People can't offer that if they don't know in the 1st place. It also means more people to celebrate the good news and milestones.

I'll keep ya'll posted on when and how things go with freeing the pregnancy news. I don't plan on making it FB official for quite a while if at all. Most things are still going to be pretty private (no belly photos plastering the internet- I've only taken 1 so far). I feel like I've started attending a Pregnancy Anonymous group or something. "My name is Christina and I'm 13w pregnant."

Let's all celebrate whatever freedoms we are happy for these next couple of days and know that none of them came easy, without great deliberations and sacrifices, and should be appreciated!

Friday, July 1, 2011

Flying Under the Radar

Sorry for the radio silence this past while. I sorta dropped off the blogging radar, but was still commenting on others' posts. I haven't really known what to post about lately. There is only so much pregnancy talk that I can handle myself, and I don't want to post Pregnant after Pregnant after Pregnant.  Unfortunately, the rest of my life is pretty mundane and practically uneventful. I guess I could go into detail about  about the odd guy that came to the house and told the Boy that he's mow and weed our yard for $40. Except that is pretty much the whole story right there!

I've thought about it for the past several days and came up with this topic. It isn't so much about being pregnant as it is on how infertility has colored this pregnancy. It most definitely doesn't have me seeing thing through rose-colored glasses!

First things first, at 12.5w, I still haven't told any additional people than I had at 8w. However, I told both mothers that after a good NT scan (that was yesterday), I didn't feel I could hold them to their vows of silence any longer without immense guilt. So, not sure how much that is going to come back to bite me in the rear, but hopefully, they can share the news in a way that doesn't fully out me, especially publicly/globally on FB.

I'm still wearing all my normal clothes, but with increasing MacGyvering (hello twisty-ties!). I'm avoiding any and all even slightly fitted shirts and pretty much wear a jacket or sweater (or lab coat) all day to further disguise my slightly expanding waistline. Everyone is telling me to go buy maternity clothes- "you'd be so much more comfortable!" Except I wouldn't be, at least not mentally. I hate shopping to begin with, but to start buying things that would make things seem more real and absolute is terrifying. I'm not punishing myself with my wardrobe; I'm still relatively comfortable and not sausage squeezed into anything. But I don't feel I've earned stretchy panel pants just yet.

I feel really bad for my co-workers. With all my Dr appts I've scheduled and random sick days and half-days, they are starting to worry about my health. They don't seem fully relieved by my "They're just monitoring appts" answers anymore. And my new "love" of apple juice as a go-to beverage is weirding a few people out. I hate to make them worry about me, but I just can't bring myself to tell them the truth just yet. The half-day appt yesterday made things quite awkward for me to discuss. Apparently, "It went well. Things are good." is not a sufficient answer to "How was your appt? I hope you're alright" anymore. Thankfully, no one has pushed the envelope or called me out on anything just yet.

I'm not sure how much longer I can go keeping such a big (and growing) secret from 99% of the people I interact with on a regular basis. I wish there was a cloaking device for pregnancy...

Other then my fear of communications, things are good. The NT scan yesterday was incredible. I cried seeing fingers and toes, and how it wouldn't cooperate and hold still for even a second. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes again. It does still feel like a dream that there is a little life inside of me right now. It is starting to feel more like a waking dream though, one that might actually be real, and one that I'm all too happy to be having.

I hope this hasn't been too crazy "pregnant, pregnant, pregnant. Baby, baby , baby" for anyone. I haven't forgotten what it is like on the other side of the what seems like 100ft fence. I know that at any moment, I could find myself catapulted back over it. I try not to worry about it or obsess over it, because there is nothing I can about it except enjoy the ride, day by day. If I could those, I'd definitely throw as many life lines over that fence as my girl-throw would let me.