Friday, July 1, 2011

Flying Under the Radar

Sorry for the radio silence this past while. I sorta dropped off the blogging radar, but was still commenting on others' posts. I haven't really known what to post about lately. There is only so much pregnancy talk that I can handle myself, and I don't want to post Pregnant after Pregnant after Pregnant.  Unfortunately, the rest of my life is pretty mundane and practically uneventful. I guess I could go into detail about  about the odd guy that came to the house and told the Boy that he's mow and weed our yard for $40. Except that is pretty much the whole story right there!

I've thought about it for the past several days and came up with this topic. It isn't so much about being pregnant as it is on how infertility has colored this pregnancy. It most definitely doesn't have me seeing thing through rose-colored glasses!

First things first, at 12.5w, I still haven't told any additional people than I had at 8w. However, I told both mothers that after a good NT scan (that was yesterday), I didn't feel I could hold them to their vows of silence any longer without immense guilt. So, not sure how much that is going to come back to bite me in the rear, but hopefully, they can share the news in a way that doesn't fully out me, especially publicly/globally on FB.

I'm still wearing all my normal clothes, but with increasing MacGyvering (hello twisty-ties!). I'm avoiding any and all even slightly fitted shirts and pretty much wear a jacket or sweater (or lab coat) all day to further disguise my slightly expanding waistline. Everyone is telling me to go buy maternity clothes- "you'd be so much more comfortable!" Except I wouldn't be, at least not mentally. I hate shopping to begin with, but to start buying things that would make things seem more real and absolute is terrifying. I'm not punishing myself with my wardrobe; I'm still relatively comfortable and not sausage squeezed into anything. But I don't feel I've earned stretchy panel pants just yet.

I feel really bad for my co-workers. With all my Dr appts I've scheduled and random sick days and half-days, they are starting to worry about my health. They don't seem fully relieved by my "They're just monitoring appts" answers anymore. And my new "love" of apple juice as a go-to beverage is weirding a few people out. I hate to make them worry about me, but I just can't bring myself to tell them the truth just yet. The half-day appt yesterday made things quite awkward for me to discuss. Apparently, "It went well. Things are good." is not a sufficient answer to "How was your appt? I hope you're alright" anymore. Thankfully, no one has pushed the envelope or called me out on anything just yet.

I'm not sure how much longer I can go keeping such a big (and growing) secret from 99% of the people I interact with on a regular basis. I wish there was a cloaking device for pregnancy...

Other then my fear of communications, things are good. The NT scan yesterday was incredible. I cried seeing fingers and toes, and how it wouldn't cooperate and hold still for even a second. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes again. It does still feel like a dream that there is a little life inside of me right now. It is starting to feel more like a waking dream though, one that might actually be real, and one that I'm all too happy to be having.

I hope this hasn't been too crazy "pregnant, pregnant, pregnant. Baby, baby , baby" for anyone. I haven't forgotten what it is like on the other side of the what seems like 100ft fence. I know that at any moment, I could find myself catapulted back over it. I try not to worry about it or obsess over it, because there is nothing I can about it except enjoy the ride, day by day. If I could those, I'd definitely throw as many life lines over that fence as my girl-throw would let me.


  1. Deciding when to come out to the general public is tough. I was tired of hiding, so I sucked it up and told everyone after a positive NT scan. Congrats on a fabulous scan! So exciting!

    And yes, at that point I was starting to get real chunky as well... Try to take the plunge into a "normal" pregnancy - I know it's hard, but it will be worth it!!!

  2. Honey - you are so incredibly eloquent and thoughtful - please stop feeling self-conscious.
    I think it's time you start enjoying this pregnancy. Telling people, buying stretchy pants, blogging about it. I totally get your anxiety about it - but you're in the second trimester. You've beat the statistics and I think it's time you start enjoying the pregnancy. Esperanza from Stumbling gracefully once said that her biggest regret was NOT enjoying her pregnancy. Please try. You don't want to hit the 9 month mark and realize that you spent most of that time being secretive and feeling guilty. It was a long road to get here, and you deserve to revel in it. I believe I've said this to you before: As long as you're not doing fruit comparisons and annoying memes, you're all good.
    So glad the NT scan went well!

  3. I know just how you feel. I've told almost no one our news. I have no idea why, I'm really happy about it of course, but just can't 'take the plunge!' I'm hoping in the next week or two I can start just casually telling people. I also know what you mean about maternity clothes. I tried shopping for some last week and it did not go well. Hope your experience is better than mine was!