Friday, April 29, 2011


If you are a dork like me, you know that is the answer to Life, the Universe, and Everything.

It is also my beta hCG level for today, 11dpo. P4 is at 17. If things double by the redraw on Monday, I'll be starting on PIO shots.

Not only am I a dork, I'm neurotic. I tested Wednesday morning, yesterday morning, and took a digital that the PG-SIL gave me last night. Just to make sure I wasn't wasting my time going in this morning, I also tested today. I've never seen a line this dark on any hpt I've ever taken.

Please let this work out...

I'm also scheduled to meet with the friend (E) who came out to me because of my FB infertility postings, tonight for dinner and drinks. I hadn't anticipated this happening when I made those arrangements. I'm not entirely sure how to handle the situation at this point...

I can't drink now, knowing that I'm PUPO. I don't feel comfortable telling her just yet, but I feel like I'd be lieing to her if I don't say something. I've never been in a situation like this.

Thursday, April 28, 2011


No change.

I still feel like I did yesterday - kinda crappy.

I didn't drink anything after 9pm last night to concentrate my pee for testing this morning. The "line" is the same. A little whisper of pink. It could be slightly more pink (maybe?) but still just as light as yesterday's.

I have a beta draw scheduled tomorrow morning at 8:15a. They didn't ask what dpo I was, so I didn't volunteer the info. Last time, they didn't want me to come in until after 15dpo. I can't wait that long.

Last night, while settling down for bed, I was talking with the Boy about being scared and not excited. He understands. In fact, he said he doesn't really feel anything about it right now. We aren't hedging our bets just yet. He gives it 60/40 of working out this time. We also discussed me talking with the RE about starting PIO if the betas do well. I didn't want to do the injections over suppositories as my period comes on its own with the supps, but would be delayed until I stopped the PIO after blood draws, etc. We wait enough without losing a few days each cycle to have the extra progesterone level my blood stream.

I'm more than willing to give myself these shots each day if it would mean keeping this sliver of pink. I just don't want to delay the inevitable, though.

I hate the waiting...

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Oh, Snap...

"We interrupt your regularly scheduled blog post to bring you some late breaking news."

I know I said I'd be posting about the blog awards today. For now, I'm just going to thank Jen over at The Chronicles of Violetta Margarita, Ashlee at Savor the Moment and Amanda at Our Fertility Journey for the awards. I'll do the other requirements later! Promise!

There is pregnancy test and symptoms talk down below. If you don't want to read on, I completely understand and might even do the same if I was reading this.

I'm home from work today, nursing a killer headache that hit me yesterday afternoon and hasn't left yet in spite of the Tylenol and Ibuprofen I've taken. On top of that, my chesticles (I love the Boy and his made up words!) have been achy and hurting the last several days, I've been having cramps that span down low and pinch on both sides, and then there is that pressure feeling at the back of my throat. All since Monday. When my temp dropped.

I've been spending more time trying to explain them away than looking for new symptoms. I've really tried hard not to read anything into them. We all know how our bodies hate us and like to play tricks with our minds. I don't believe in any of the things I've been feeling.

Because I'm scared. Petrified, really.

I took a test this afternoon, confident that nothing would show up. Heck, it wasn't 1st morning urine and I'm only 9dpo. It's far too early for anything to show up and my pee couldn't be concentrated enough if there was. I took it to prove to myself and my body that there is no way I could be pregnant. I had a huge cyst on my right ovary and I didn't take any of my Ov stims. My temp hasn't really rebounded from Monday.

I peed on that plastic stick (one of the 3-pack I bought last cycle b/c the cyst was making me think I was pregnant) and stuck it right back in the wrapper. I set it on the coffee table while I started to write the Blow Award post.




The faintest of lines is there. Even lighter than the 1st test in January. A hair of a pink-tinged line. This has to be my imagination. There is no way. Maybe it's just the antibody line that I'm seeing? An evap line? In the time limit?

I posted it up on can you see a (don't click the link if you don't want to see a pee-soaked stick). It's 7 for 7 right now on "Positive" votes. I think I am going to throw-up. Not in a morning sickness kind of way, either. In a sheer terror/anxiety sort of way. I had to talk myself up and still hesitated when I went to let the Boy know I had tested, even though I had said I wouldn't unless my period didn't show.

I can't really even say I'm excited or tentatively optimistic. I'm stunned, in disbelief, and most of all scared. I am so very afraid I'll loose this one too, if the line isn't a lie. I'm scared that all the IF friends I've made are going to turn away. I mean I'm barely an Infertile at 10m/11cycles in to TTC. I'm afraid that maybe the line is all in my imagination, and I'll never get pregnant again.

Right now, all I feel is fear.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Who ya gonna call? Myth Busters!

Ok, I changed my mind. I'm going to go a-myth-busting today rather than tomorrow (award ceremony to be held then). I decided to participate in Resolve's Bust a Myth Challenge weeks ago. I then saw the Ladies in Waiting Book club were also participating. I signed up for both! I figured the more avenues I explore, the more I can help and get the word out, maybe even connect to other women that are having the same issues we've had.

So without further ado -

Myth - “You’re infertile because of your lifestyle”

Busted! - “You work too much”

“You should eat more/less. You’re too thin/big”

“You worry too much. Just relax”

“You’re always away from home”

I’m not sure how many other women have heard these things from helpful friends and family, but I don’t know a single person that is/has experienced Infertility that hasn’t had someone tell them about some diet, exercise, stress relief, what-have-you that will aid in conception. It’s like they think that it is some lifestyle choice that we’ve made that is keeping it all out of reach for us.

So what could it be about my lifestyle that is so unreceptive to having a baby? Financially stable (ish)? Eating healthy? Having a decent balance between work and home? I just can’t figure it out. We’ve even made improvements in some areas that were a bit less than ideal when we 1st realized we may have a problem. We are both the healthiest we’ve been, far more connected and emotionally close than we were, and are ready in every imaginable way for a little one to call our own.

Like so many infertile couples, we don’t drink (much), smoke, do drugs, catch STDs, have wild weekend parties and benders or push our bodies to some other extreme limit. We are just an average, everyday couple, doing what typical married people do and start a family. Infertility is not because of some choice we’ve made or not made. We just have been dealt an unfortunate hand. Nothing we change in our perceptions or routines will magically knock me up without the aid of medical mojo.

Working too much, worrying, and not being at an absolute perfect weight are not preventing my unfashionably late eggs, or too short LP from being more timely. Working less and not worrying didn’t do anything to prevent the miscarriage, either as I took 2 days off work to enjoy "being pregnant" with my husband. None of those apply to the Boy’s boys as he’s almost always relaxed and does just what he has to at work without doing too much extra, and almost the same at home. Maybe his easy-going nature and chill demeanor is the reason his swimmers are too mellow? Finally! A downside to “relaxing”!

In all seriousness though, if lifestyle choices caused Infertility, there would be no babies born to strung-out, overdosing moms; athletes wouldn’t be able to reproduce; and teenagers and college kids wouldn’t “accidentally” get pregnant from that one night stand they can’t remember after that wild party. In fact, if more people practiced our general and reproductive health choices, there wouldn’t be Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, birth defects from lack of folic acid and other vitamin and nutrient deficiencies, or babies that are abused, starving or homeless.

If there was some fault in our lives that we could change and not have to experience the heartbreak, pain, and anguish of Infertility, I’m sure all of us would do what ever was in our powers and abilities to fix it ASAP. If only it were that easy…

To suffer from Infertility is not a choice that someone makes by doing or not doing X, Y or Z. There is no change in our daily habits that can be made to magically make us fertile. By the point most couples have reached the “infertile” diagnosis, they have most likely already run the gamut of “What can we change or do to improve our chances” analysis on every aspect of their life and have probably exhausted every conceivable “fix”. At this point, Infertility becomes the lifestyle, working its way into every nook and cranny of our lives.

Infertility is not because of some inherent problem in how we are living our lives. No. We experience Infertility because of medical issues that plague our bodies. And unfortunately, there isn’t much that one can do on their own to repair or overcome what in their body is malfunctioning. That isn’t a choice that we can make. We can't just will  or decide when our bodies work, and it can't be helped without the intervention of medical professionals, not to mention time, effort, money, blood, sweat, and tears. 

The only choice we can make about Infertility is how we deal with it. We can choose to continue to have hope and move forward. We have a choice not to let it define us as women or men. We are able to choose to be happy (or sad or mad). We have a choice to reach out to other for support and understanding, to share our stories and have our voices heard.

 *** My preliminary Myth Busting can be read over at The Ladies in Waiting Book Club. ***

*** More information about Infertility can be found at ***

***For background and to participate in National Infertility Awareness Week® (NIAW), visit ***       

You can also bust your own myths - Go to Resolve's Bust an Infertility Myth Submission Guidelines to see how!

Monday, April 25, 2011

All choked up!

I am so moved and awe-struck to hear that my NIAW FB postings have inspired others to do similar! I am truly touched to have had such an impact on others and I hope that you are all rewarded with the same for your honesty and effort to spread awareness and education. I wish you all find the support and understanding of those close to you (and possibly even almost strangers - we all have those people as "friends")!

I'm only 2 status posts in to my NIAW schedule, but I already feel like I've accomplished my goal. I was able to let one person know that they aren't alone in this. That there is support and hope out there waiting for them. Other than that friend contacting me, the response has been fairly subdued. My mom likes and comments. A few friends do the same. Women that I'm FB friends from a TTC forum have shared and reposted the links.

It's not a huge wave, but even the littlest ripples can affect the whole pond. I'm making a difference. I'm awe-inspired by myself right now. If you had asked me even 6m ago if I thought I'd be posting IF stuff on FB and letting people know some of those personal details about our journey, after scoffing about dealing with infertility, I would have pulled back immediately and retorted with a "Yeah, Right!" or "I would never!" Yet here I am, sharing with all 127 Friends on FB that IF is real, it's difficult and overwhelming, but there is hope and support and friendship waiting for you to just reach out your hand to take it. I. AM. making a difference!

I'll be posting my Busted up Myth on Wednesday. Until then, I'll probably be chronicling my FB posts and the comments and reactions I receive. I haven't forgotten the Blog awards that some of you fine ladies have bestowed upon me! That's probably for tomorrow's post.

One last thing in closing here, which also related to the title - I have a rather familiar queasy pressure at the back of my throat today, lightheaded along with a bit of dizziness. My boobs are sore and achy, and I won't even mention my nip sensations... I'm 7dpo. I'm scared to read into these, given that my temp dropped from ~98.6F to 98.2F this morning. Maybe my homemade chicken stir-fry isn't agreeing with me?

Sunday, April 24, 2011

NIAW posting update!

My FB post/status today was just some general info, etc on infertility via the CDC. Much to my surprise and amazement, a friend of ours sent me a message asking if my postings were because we were trying but having trouble, and that they have been trying as well and nothing so far at almost a year.

If nothing else, my goal with my postings has been achieved! She now knows she's not alone in this! I am very excited about connecting and getting closer to her because of this. Maybe I'll be able to pass on my IF experience and some tips/info/pointers to help them out. At the very least, I can be a shoulder of support for them as they continue on their baby-making journey.

One day into NIAW and I've already made a difference! My heart feels so full of hope right now. For them. For us.


Like I mentioned last post, I have a post up my sleeve that will be for Resolve's "Bust an Infertility Myth Blog Challenge." It's not too late if you'd like to also participate!

This post isn't it, but I saw this the other day on Pintrest and I just had to share it with ya'll!

Candy never comes out of my uterus! :(
I think this would be a great party activity for the infertiles of the world! "Mad about a failed cycle? Didn't ovulate this month? Suffering through an unwanted "visitor" this month? Grab a stick and beat the crap out of a uterus! Anatomically correct with cervix, fallopian tubes and ovaries! Take out your rage, frustration, and disappointment on this hand-crafted pinata!"

The maker recommends filling with your choice of candy and plastic babies. May I also recommend stuffing it with wads of cash, watches and red food coloring? You know, to represent the time and money that you've put into your reproductive parts, only to have your period.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

I dove off the deep end

There is no turning back now. I'm out of the IF closet completely now.

I just posted this on FB:

I had a moment of hesitation before hitting post, but took a deep breath and clicked. This makes it pretty obvious after my previous posts what's been going on with us.

Now, I wait and see how people respond. I truly hope I get more outpouring of support and understanding from this than my other little blurbs. My end goal with this is not for people to feel sorry for me (or us) and to draw attention to myself. I really do hope this brings more awareness and understand to all the people I know on FB, especially family and friends. I want Infertility as a whole to have the support that I'm hoping my education through post brings to the general masses. Fingers crossed!

Stay tuned for more NIAW posts to come. I'll be participating the "Bust a Myth" challenge and will be thinking and talking about other ways to spread the awareness and understanding for our disease!

Thursday, April 21, 2011

April ICLW

Hello All.

Welcome to IComLeavWe and to my humble little blog! I'm back to ICLW after taking March off. this last bit of April is going to be IF filled for me between ICLW and NIAW!

If you want the full run down of my IF journey, you can find it up in the menu there as "How did I get here?". Here's the Cliff's Notes version:

After being married for 5yrs and together 9yrs, we decided to add a furless baby to our family in June. I had my IUD removed and off we went! Then starts in the discovery of my luteal phase defect and sub-clinical hypothyroidism, the Boy's poor motility and low count, and a miscarriage in January. It's been a relatively short road, but a very bumpy and difficult one none the less.

I hope you enjoy reading (and commenting) and don't forget to visit all the other wonderful blogs this community and ICLW has to offer!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

O & IVF?

Those 2 things don't really seem to fit together. As a local radio personality would say, they go together like "hammers and panties." Just like there is no crying in baseball, there is no ovulation in in vitro fertilization. Strangely enough though, they've both been on my mind the last 2 days or so.

The O is probably pretty apparent. I'm on cd20 today and had the usual EWs for a few days and then some serious pinches and pokes from my left ovary area. (I also had some discomfort on the right side, which accorrding to the RE's nurses, can happen with a large cyst at ovulation time.) My temp went up this morning, be it from O or from my puppy patient deciding she was up at 5am. I went back to sleep for 2 more hours before temping, so I'm hoping it is from O and not lack of Zs . To be honest, ovulation has been on my mind since my baseline u/s showed the cyst and prevented me from taking my ov meds this cycle. Will I ovulate? When? Will it work even without the follicle stimulation?

We'll find out those answers and more in approximately 12-14d!

Now onto why I've had IVF on my mind. A few nights ago, I had a dream that, while I don't remember much of the details, was pretty much an egg retrieval, but wholly unconventional in the location and such. Just out of hte blue like that. We haven't been discussing or even considering IVF so not sure where that popped in to my head.

Fast forwarding to today, I go to Resolve's website and end up clicking on the Support Groups info and wind up seeing what's local. I email the group organizer listed. Gmail pings me back and error message that the email address doesn't exist. Guess I should update Resolve on that matter. I take it upon myself to see about finding when, etc the group meets as the location is posted alongside the now defunct email address. It's held at a Women's Health center of a nearby hospital (or so says I go to the center's webpage and look up support group listings. Unless they've decided to hide Infertility in the Cancer, cardiovascular, or other major illness category, it's not listed there.

Cue me entering "Infertility support group" into the hospital's search box. the 1st link leads me back to the Women's center, but this time to the Repro Endocrinology and IF page. What is posted there but a blurb and an link to an IVF study they are conduction about the efficacy of fertilization pre- and post-freeze/thaw. A benefit to participation is a discounted IVF cycle. While not a free cycle, a discount is better than paying full price! So I email the coordinator to get more info. She responds back just hours later! She fills me in on the requirements and people to contact regarding pre-participation consulting appt and financial info.

While I don't know if we'll participate or not at this point, I still want to collect the information. It is absurd to me how interested I am in this! We haven't even been TTC a full year (yet), and I'm almost salivating at the chance for a shot at a cheap IVF cycle. What the dealio!? Plus, I just freakin' ovulated! I should be dwelling on my 2ww and not the possibility of IVF! I should really be paying attention to all the twinges and aches and smells/tastes and crossing my fingers that this cycle is it and maybe we were able to conceive without much help. Yet, here I am. Already considering myself out at 1dpo, looking into the possibility of IVF... How bizarre am I?

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Playing at Mommy

Cricket's surgery went well on Thursday. We dropped her off on Wednesday morning to get radiographs of her right knee. She stayed overnight, had the surgery, and stayed for recovery until Friday afternoon. Boy, was she glad to come home! Our other dog, Mazzy the lab mix, was happy for her to be home. She definitely missed her friend!

So this brings me to the post title. Cricket is going to require a lot of care as she recovers over the next 2 months. There is medication to give; feedings and waterings to observe. I'll need to take her to the bathroom, and help support her. The rest of the time she'll be sleeping. It's so very much like taking care of a baby.

I realized that while it is very demanding, it is rewarding as well. I love that she happily and sleepily wags her tail when I come to feed or walk her. She leans into my scratches and pets. I have so much patience with her. I feel protective of her, making sure that she is comfortable and as happy as she can be.

I feel maternal. And it makes me feel happy, sad, warm and empty, all at the same time. This is why I want a baby. I enjoy taking care of others. It not only makes me feel needed and loved, but I love that I am bringing them comfort and nurturing them. It warms my heart to know that I'm the reason they are happy and content. Their well-being was something I had a hand in. Seeing them resting peacefully makes all the difficulties and inconveniences worth it.

I'm a good wife and have taken care of my poor hubby when he's hurt or feeling under the weather. I taken care of all the pets at some point after an illness or accident. I have the experience under my belt. Now, I want the chance to do the same with my own child.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Lonely, but not alone


Thank you all for the support and understanding the past few days! I'm not sure why I'm in this mopey funk, but I'm glad to know that I'm not alone or crazy in feeling what I am.

It apparently isn't just sadness. I was tearing up reading ya'lls comments. I just felt overwhelmingly touched. I'm apparently over-emotional right now. It's ridiculous.

I almost cried talking to my boss today when he was complementing on doing my job so well and not causing any drama for him or HR, in light of the co-worker leaving today. Again, I was so touched that I almost teared up. I didn't even do that when talking with him about the miscarriage.

I'm thinking I'm just going to try and get all these tears out this weekend. We plan to just spend it in, cuddling with the pups and just enjoying our little "family" at the moment. We'll probably squeeze some yard work in there some where. It's going to be nice just focusing on us, so I think that would be a better setting for the "Big Cry "than having to work and function the day after. And no baby shower!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Wooooh, oooh, Feelings...

Mine have been a bit jumbled the last several days. I'm a hot emotional mess.

I see something cute or sweet online or in a movie/show - tear up.
I read a touching blog post - tear up.
I read/see good news - tear up.
Bad news - same.
If it can elicit an emotional response from a living being - tear up.

There aren't really raging hormones for me to blame it on as I haven't taken any hormonal supplements yet this cycle. Maybe it's just the accumulation of lots of little things?

Cricket had her pre-op blood work and radiographs today, surgery tomorrow, and pick-up on Friday afternoon. That's 3 days without my cuddle-bug. The post-maternity leave co-worker  decided to resign, but bumped up her last day to tomorrow. There's some finance stuff I'm concerned/worried about. And of course the obvious, infertility struggles and sensitivities there.

Apparently, write this post - tear up. I'm not sure what is up with me. Almost every trip to the ladies' room, I'm on the verge of tears in the stall. No reason. I find myself zoning out at work a lot more frequently these last few days, but no clue where my mind goes.

When I take some time and try to be introspective and try and sort through my feelings and emotions and what is their cause, all I come away with is I'm sad and I don't know why. I mean, sure, I could just take the easiest and obvious and say I'm sad because I'm not pregnant right now. That just isn't it though. It contributes, but not the reason for my blues.

The Boy, poor guy, was a sweetheart today. I sent him a text earlier warning him that I would be an emotional mine field this evening, most likely. I get home and instead of having to make dinner, he has some pizzas in the oven. He also picked me up not 1, but 2 cartons.- one of each of my 2 favorite ice creams at the moment. He even folded the laundry without my nagging him about it.

I'm so good at work "faking it to making it". Unless someone catches me unawares, they generally have no clue if I'm having a rough day or not. At home, I'm completely transparent. I can't seem to paste on the fake smile for the Boy. So all day, the co-workers get psuedo-smiley me, and he just gets mopey-frowny me.

Maybe is should just give in and have a good cry for no apparent, specific reason? I just hate crying. I'm an ugly crier. My nose and eyes go bright red and get swollen. My nose runs like a faucet. My voice gets thick and coarse. That's all within the first little bit. I wish I could say it just happens after a good, long boo-hoo session, but a few sniffles and tears is all it takes for my transformation. Unfortunately, it takes forever for it to settle down and return to normal appearance and any good cry leaves my face and head hurting.

This is not what I had in mind as I approach my (hopefully) fertile phase. It's a bit difficult to seduce a man when it looks like you've been maced, snot is streaming out your nose, and you sound like you just finished a pack of smokes. Plus, the slouchy, comfy clothes that I decide to wear don't have the same allure as lingerie or sexy outfits. Now, I could be convinced to cry more often if it had the same effect on CM and my boobs...

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

An Over-achiever not achieving at conceiving

What happens to an over-achiever that is not achieving? They aren’t under-achieving or just meeting expectations. They just aren’t achieving.

What happens is they start to lose IT.

Emotional stability.

All of IT.

Just gone.

No matter the past accomplishments and victories, whatever is being un-achieved dwarfs them in comparison, shrinking their importance. They don’t seem so great or as impressive as they use to be. The shine has been dulled and tarnished, shadowed by the non-achieved looming before the OA.

It is heart-wrenching. Utterly devastating. Completely stagnant. Totally me.

Right now, I am on a paper that is being submitted to one of the most prestigious scienctific journals. I’ve been working on this project for almost 3yrs now. I’m 4th author out of about 20. It’s huge! The OA in me would be a bit smug and excited that so much work and effort has finally paid off, Big Time!

Instead, I would trade it all in, without batting an eyelash, to be pregnant right now. I would hand over my graduate degree, my position of importance and authority in the lab, my fairly decent paycheck, and 4th author status on a ground-breaking paper/project for a baby. Not a moment of hesitation.

OA’s don’t do that! The point of over-achieving is to prove your worth, to get you where you want to be, to prove that you can do things and do them freaking well! Being recognized for a job well-done is the whole reason I over-achieve! I don’t work my butt of for things just to turn around and drop them.

It is a bit strange to think about it this way, but I have put far more effort into making (and keeping) a potential baby than I have into probably anything else in my entire adult life (save my marriage- constant effort that is well worth it). I’ve put loads of time into it. Researching. Reading. Practicing. I’ve invested large amounts of money into it. Doctor appts. Medications, vitamins, supplements. Opks and hpts. And yet, no matter how much time, money or effort I put into the baby equation, I don’t get the correct answer, the desired outcome.

With the input I’ve given to this whole “creating life” project, I would be expecting something like triplets to be the end product if I were to compare it to completely unrelated past experiences. Instead, I have negative product. Debt. Wasted time (can’t get back those hours I spent looking for positions/vitamins/chants/crystals to increase my chances of pregnancy). Loss.

I haven’t achieved. Nor have I under-achieved. I’ve just made no real, tangible progress. That is a hard pill to swallow for me- and that’s saying something given the number of medications I’m ingesting on a daily basis at this point. I can’t say I’m failing, because I’m not. One doesn’t fail if they are trying their best and making the effort. I’m just un-succeeding. Un-achieving. Un-pregnant. Feeling more and more Un-me.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

SIL-ution Found

The shower situation has been solved!

I found a compromise that worked for us both. Aren't I a genius!?

Partially born out of my desire not to be there with a good smidgen of my inability to attend, I decided to opt out of the actual shower next weekend.

Instead, I contacted her a few days ago to see if they had any free time this weekend to hang out a bit. We worked it out to go over there last night for dinner. I brought the intended shower gift and a card for the both of them; they gave us food and some hockey time.

I'm no sure why this hadn't occurred to me sooner. It was a great resolution. They got to know that I'm (mostly) happy for them and their baby and not just blowing them off by missing the shower. Plus, they got some onesies and some baby toys, not to mention a great gift bag! I got to appease my guilt of not attending the actual shower. It was much better to do it this way. A total win-win. They got the recognition of their great achievement, and I didn't have to deal with a house full of babies, women talking non-stop about babies and pregnancy, and there would be no crying in a bathroom.

Heck, I even got 2 free EPT digital hpt's out of the trip!

It wasn't a fantastic evening for me, but far better than I know the shower would have been. She still rambled on about the baby and her pregnancy and complained. I was a bit taken aback that she didn't seem to curb any of that given that a) she knows what we are dealing with/going through, and b) she "has been there too" and should know better. It was still like she assumed that she needed to fill me in on things that happen when you are pregnant and in your 3rd trimester. I'm sure I could figure out that you get uncomfortable, and it is difficult to do lots of things, and the baby kicks and doesn't like this or that. I get it!

But I'm proud of myself. Immensely proud. I did something that took a lot on my part to go through with at all. I didn't put a lot of thought into the gift- it was a very whirlwind zip into Target, grabbed some baby things that weren't ridiculously expensive, a bag and some tissue paper, wrapping it all in the car on the way over. But I didn't complain. I didn't pout or act anti-social. Nor did I try and make it about me or mention anything about what we are doing now, later, etc. I was quite content to just leave the gift there for them to open when they wanted and not make it a bit to-do. She wanted to open it before we left, which I was fine with, too.

And now, I can focus on one of my favorite females. My wiggle-butt pup, Cricket, goes in next week for knee surgery, and I'm able to spend next weekend pampering and tending to her, with a guilt-free conscience.

In other news... Things are growing. Except out in my garden and not my uterus. Veggie sprouts have been transplanted from their starter dishes into my garden beds, and I have a few little red strawberries peeking out from my planter. Here's hoping a have a bountiful harvest from my petite backyard farm!

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


I'm happy and sad.

A friend and former student in the lab just filled us in that she's expecting. I'm very happy for her and her husband. She was probably my closest work friend.

Unfortunately and coincidentally, her due date was my due date. Cue the tears. I'd be 14wk right now. I hadn't thought about that for a few days until she mentioned how far along she is.

I decided to talk to her and get the details. Turns out she actually had a very early miscarriage (most likely a chemical pregnancy) a few months back. That pregnancy was a surprise, but made them realized they wanted to start their family. Cue more tears. I hate that she had to go through that as well. Especially as it was right after she moved from here to back north, starting a new job and buying a house. So many sources of stress, she didn't need a m/c on top of it all.

I'm sad for her. Sad for me. Happy for her. Sad for me. This is the 1st pregnancy announcement that I've had to deal with since my m/c. My emotions about it are so conflicted and I don't know which are the real ones and which are the ones I only think I should be feeling. I'm so confused...

Tuesday, April 5, 2011


I've always known that PETA and the majority of it's practices and viewpoints were way out in left field, but seriously? WTH, PETA? What does awarding a vasectomy to a man that has his pet fixed honor NIAW?

I love pets and animals. All my animals are adopted from rescues or shelters, are spayed/neutered and microchipped. I care about their happiness and well-being. Which is why I never supported PETA in the 1st place. I just can't get behind their backwards way of thinking and doing to somehow raise awareness of ethical treatment for animals. How about the ethical treatment of any living creature, humans included?!

I am at a loss for more words than that at the moment. For more info and far more eloquent and insightful discourse on this matter, head over to Keiko's blog "Hannah Wept, Sarah Laughed".

I am just disgusted even more by that organization. I'll be composing my email here shortly...

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Choppy waters

A little nautical reference if you will. I'm feeling a bit lost on the high seas in the midst of storms. Nothing is really moving in a desired direction. My little dingy is at the complete mercy of things I can't control or influence.

The ovarian cyst is more than I had anticipated it would be. Dr. Google is absolutely right that the pain is amped up during menstruation. Ouch! I physically haven't felt like doing much of anything in fears of over-doing it and causing my angry friend to rupture. I like to think I'm a pretty tough cookie as I usually shoulder through most things, but I've had to resort to the painkillers to deal with my uncooperative body the last few days.

I'm quite a bit upset that I can't take my Femara this cycle. One more thing that is now out of my control. No telling when I'll end up ovulating this cycle. Yet, I'm secretly hoping that I'll hit the jackpot and be able to say that we ended up being one of those stories were after months of medical intervention, the cycle off from them is the cycle we conceived, all on our own and get to take home a baby from it. It's a long shot, but I have a tiny glimmer of hope that it could happen.

Outside my body, things are a bit tumultuous at work. The co-worker that returned from maternity leave a few weeks ago is making things a nightmare. The boss and her had an agreement that he would keep her on until after her maternity leave so she could have insurance for the birth, etc even though her funding has completely run out. He has bent over backwards trying to help her and keep her with an income during a very delicate time. She apparently isn't keeping her end of the deal. She won't resign, so he is left with 2 options: fire her and she gets no benefits or unemployment (and the rest of us have to take on her responsibilities) or keep paying her for the mandated 60d from termination notice and jeopardize the whole lab.

She can't really meet her job requirements anymore between her frequent (and necessary) breaks to go and pump, and her issues with child care. Between  her and the baby's daddy, they make a pretty decent living and are well above the poverty line. But somehow, they are unable to pay for any form of child care and have to rely on when their families (who aren't local) can stay to watch him? At the same time, she can go and have her hair cut and dyed, he can buy a new laptop, they can go out to eat and buy new cloths and such? I just don't get it?! They had 9m to work out how to afford a child and then 8wks to figure out care.

It makes me so furious! I've had to struggle and work my butt of for the things they are taking for granted! You have to make sacrifices for the things that are important to you! In college, I had to work 30hrs on top of my full course load to put myself through my undergraduate degree. My parents couldn't really help much financially at the time. Hence, my >$35k in school loans. But since I had to work for it, I made sure to get all that I could out of it. I'm proud to say I was able to pay my own way and be able to come out with a 3.8 GPA while working almost full-time and taking difficult science courses. For grad school, the Boy and I lived off of less than $25k a year between him working full-time, my stipend and any extra money we could make on the side. We lived in a crap apartment, then townhouse, still managed to pay our bills, pay our large medical expense and still save a bit. We didn't go out and party much because we really couldn't afford it.

Now, sure we are making more money, but a good chunk of it goes towards medical related things as well as our chances for a baby. We are not only having to physically work for our child to bring home the money to pay for housing, food, etc., we are having to pay for the chance to even conceive each and every month. It's a lot less than some people have to pay for the same, but still, it's an additional financial responsibility we have. Our financial well-being and baby dreams are now being influenced by someone that won't even make some minor lifestyle changes to afford child care! Our chances at a planned and much wanted baby are in jeopardy because of someone that accidentally got pregnant and can't put the needs of the child or others before their own wants!

Between all this, I've just wanted to pout and cry this weekend. Just sit and wallow in my own despair and pessimism. I know part of it is just because of the gloom that accompanies my period each cycle, but the rest is genuine feeling of hopelessness in our situation. There isn't anyone I can truly talk to about this in person/real life as the only person we know that went through any form of "infertility struggle" is my PG-SIL and all she does when we talk is go on and on about their situation and doesn't really listen. It doesn't really help that she is 8m pregnant and that's all that she seems to be able to talk about. I can understand that, but it's obviously not something I really want to keep subjecting myself to, all things considered.

I hate feeling so lost and alone, sad and hopeless.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Baseline to sideline

I had my baseline u/s this morning, more around 9:30a than 9a as they were super busy this morning. No bloodwork. Just me and Senor Wando.

The u/s technician was great. She obviously knows her stuff. In fact, she asked if I was actually cd2, which I am, as my uterine lining is a textbook cd2. Which I think is great. She's also the 2nd medical professional to compliment my uterus. The other was my Ob/Gyn at my IUD placement.

My left ovary was normal, with ~10 antral follicles waiting to start the race to ovulation. It's strange to think that one of those could end up being a baby!

My right ovary... Well, that can just be called my right cyst for the cycle. I have a very large cyst that hasn't resolved itself. I shouldn't worry about it, though. It should go away on its own. But! I can't take any stims this cycle. See ya next cycle, Femara. I also have to go in on my next ~cd3 for another baseline u/s to make sure it is gone by then. Not sure what we'll do if it isn't.

IF I some how manage to actually get pregnant this cycle, the tech told me that I shouldn't worry about the cyst negatively impacting it in any way.

It does explain a few things for me. That Big Ol' Cyst is why I've had the localized cramping/pinching on my right side. And I think I just had a Super Egg! that exploded out on cd14 and decimated my ovary this last cycle, thus explaining the early O. That's at least how I'm going to keep thinking things happened anyways. Still not sure why only a 10d LP with the meds and supps... Also, don't cyst generally delay your period?

PS- I apologize for anyone that had actually hoped my earlier post was true and not my lame attempt to make fun of the usual April Fool's joke that many (fertile) women make. To be honest, I was really, really hoping that the u/s tech would inform me with wonder and disbelief that I was indeed, totally pregnant and the bleeding is a weird fluke. I had this thought 3 different times this morning. Alas, I am not.

"I'm pregnant."

I know that is a super lame April fool's joke. (It is unfortunately a favorite of many fertile women of child-bearing age). However, this year, I could totally play the bitter infertile and post that or tell people that. When they get all excited and such, I can scream "Not!" and dive into how my body actually played that joke on me a few days early and that right now, I'm in the midst of my full-on, raging period. Hahaha! "April Fool's!"

I did call and schedule a follow-up consult with the RE to see we want to try anything new or make any minor changes in my protocol. Not much more we can do as my craptastic insurance won't cover anything but testing, but maybe we can change dosing or meds or delivery forms?

He also emailed me to say I should do some baseline testing this cycle.  I just got off the phone with the office and I'll be going in today (9am actually) for my "cd3/baseline" u/s and probably bloodwork. On cd2. It's going to be a party! These types of procedures and u/s always make me super self conscious. It's bad enough I have to get intimate with Senor Wando, but it ain't no picnic down there on top of that. It's almost enough to make me want to "vajazzle" or do some "clitter" to make it up to the u/s tech! (Links not necessarily safe for work).

I'll update ya'll on everyhing after I find things out and see how things go. Happy Friday and hope you don't get any horrible April Fool's day gags!