Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Oh, Snap...

"We interrupt your regularly scheduled blog post to bring you some late breaking news."

I know I said I'd be posting about the blog awards today. For now, I'm just going to thank Jen over at The Chronicles of Violetta Margarita, Ashlee at Savor the Moment and Amanda at Our Fertility Journey for the awards. I'll do the other requirements later! Promise!


There is pregnancy test and symptoms talk down below. If you don't want to read on, I completely understand and might even do the same if I was reading this.

I'm home from work today, nursing a killer headache that hit me yesterday afternoon and hasn't left yet in spite of the Tylenol and Ibuprofen I've taken. On top of that, my chesticles (I love the Boy and his made up words!) have been achy and hurting the last several days, I've been having cramps that span down low and pinch on both sides, and then there is that pressure feeling at the back of my throat. All since Monday. When my temp dropped.

I've been spending more time trying to explain them away than looking for new symptoms. I've really tried hard not to read anything into them. We all know how our bodies hate us and like to play tricks with our minds. I don't believe in any of the things I've been feeling.

Because I'm scared. Petrified, really.

I took a test this afternoon, confident that nothing would show up. Heck, it wasn't 1st morning urine and I'm only 9dpo. It's far too early for anything to show up and my pee couldn't be concentrated enough if there was. I took it to prove to myself and my body that there is no way I could be pregnant. I had a huge cyst on my right ovary and I didn't take any of my Ov stims. My temp hasn't really rebounded from Monday.

I peed on that plastic stick (one of the 3-pack I bought last cycle b/c the cyst was making me think I was pregnant) and stuck it right back in the wrapper. I set it on the coffee table while I started to write the Blow Award post.

...

...

...

The faintest of lines is there. Even lighter than the 1st test in January. A hair of a pink-tinged line. This has to be my imagination. There is no way. Maybe it's just the antibody line that I'm seeing? An evap line? In the time limit?

I posted it up on can you see a line.com (don't click the link if you don't want to see a pee-soaked stick). It's 7 for 7 right now on "Positive" votes. I think I am going to throw-up. Not in a morning sickness kind of way, either. In a sheer terror/anxiety sort of way. I had to talk myself up and still hesitated when I went to let the Boy know I had tested, even though I had said I wouldn't unless my period didn't show.

I can't really even say I'm excited or tentatively optimistic. I'm stunned, in disbelief, and most of all scared. I am so very afraid I'll loose this one too, if the line isn't a lie. I'm scared that all the IF friends I've made are going to turn away. I mean I'm barely an Infertile at 10m/11cycles in to TTC. I'm afraid that maybe the line is all in my imagination, and I'll never get pregnant again.

Right now, all I feel is fear.

10 comments:

  1. Oh wow - wow, wow, wow! I clicked over, and I normally can't see a line on pictures that people post, but I SAW A LINE!!! Oh wow - it could be real!!! I'm so happy for you - but I understand your fear too. Take a deep breath, and you better pee on something tomorrow morning with first morning urine!!!

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  2. I clicked over too. Normally I can't ever see them online either, but from the one angle I can totally see it. Like you said, it's very light, but I think it's there. I agree with Alex, POAS again first thing in the morning and be sure to update us!!!

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  3. I clicked, and you are FOR SURE pregnant!! Holy crap!!! When I get my BFP, I'll be feeling the same as you are right now, so I completely understand. Right now, just take it one day at a time. I'm so happy for you!!!!!!!!!!

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  4. It is a line for sure, its not even as faint as you are making it out to be. I've been pregnant 3x and every time using a FRER my lines looked like that. Awesome for you at 9dpo, that is early but not impossible. Now the old cliche'..... TRY TO RELAX.

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  5. throw out the fear and bring in the HOPE!!!!

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  6. Holy crap! Holy crap! Sending all the good vibes I can your way. Keep breathing and hang in there!

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  7. Take it day by day. After a loss the fear is normal, but there is definitely a 2nd line! Congrats :)

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  8. That's a line!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Take another in the morning!!!!! WOOHOO

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  9. Being the Princess of the Pee Stick, my ruling is that it IS, in fact, a positive! I can't give much advice on what you should think, fell or do now, because I've never gotten a positive...but I know that you are so smart and strong and self-aware, you will react exactly the way that is best for you. I can't wait to see tomorrow's test.

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  10. There is most definitely a line there. Usually when people post pee sticks I see nothing and loads of people are saying they can see lines I even move my laptop screen back and forth and still see nothing but your test I see it clearly faint but it is there and you said 9dpo so looks lovely!

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